01x04 - I'm Middle Aged, Married, and Coming Out!

[bunniefuu]

[applause]

What went through your mind?

Your husband comes home after 17 years, three children, and says, "Honey, I'm gay."

You know, it took some time. It really did.

I mean, this is someone you've gotten to know in a certain way and been intimate with, but...

I'm choosing to support my husband.

Good for you.

Were there any clues along the way?

Well, you know, he always liked Barry Manilow.

Hey, I love Barry Manilow.

Oh, sorry.

That's not a gay thing.

This is about them, Donny.

You know, this has been the most gay friendly show since 1997, and what do we say on the show, guys?

Gay yay.

All: Gay yay! Gay yay! Gay yay!

Gay yay!

You okay?

Oh, boy. Denise is gonna blow.

[sobs]

[all murmuring]

There's nothing to cry about.

It has to do with me, not you, sweet...

It is, and he's being brave. You know how hard this is?

Uh huh.

Let me just set something straight right here.

You did not cause your husband to be gay.

It's not about you. It's about who he is.

I just felt that maybe if I was more or better or...

No. No.

No, no, no, no.

No, no.

You are beautiful.

Thank you.

I find you very attractive.

Really?

Yes, you are gorgeous.

I want to shift back to you guys.

I'm gonna ask you a very personal question.

When you were in the bedroom having sex with your wife, were you actually having sex with men up here?

Yeah.

What kind of fantasies would be in your head?

Um, you know, elevator rides.

Is it, like, the elevator operator and you?

What happened?

No, just, you know, people getting off and on different floors.

All gay floors?

Uh...

Is this, like, a gay hotel?

Where are you going with this, Donny?

All right, interesting.

I'm very moved by you guys, and the strength and the bravery...

[applause]

Yes, the bravery, for these men to come out with who you are when everybody thinks you're one way and everybody has a certain image of you, you know, and you don't want to change anybody's image of you, and then to just all of a sudden go, "I don't care. This is who I am."

To be brave and to come out at this stage of life, I wish I had that kind of bravery.

I wish I was brave enough to come out.

Whose bravery are we talking about here?

I wish I was brave enough to say, "I'm gay and I'm out."

I should be that brave! I should be.

[audience murmuring]

What's he saying?

Someone tell me what he's saying.

And you guys have been inspirational to me.

To say, "You know what?

I'm coming out and I don't care what anyone else thinks."

Donny, you just said you want to come out.

Yes, it does take a lot of bravery to come out, to stand up and say, "I am gay and I am brave and I am proud and I am gay and I am proud."

You do realize what just happened, don't you?

Kind of sounds like you're saying you're gay.

All: Let's be brave.

Let's be brave. Let's be brave.

All right, we'll be right back after this.

All: Let's be brave.

[breathing heavily]

Congratulations.

I know, great show today.

Crowd, like... was, like, totally into it.

Yeah, 'cause you told everybody that you're gay.

I didn't say I was gay. Nobody's gonna think I'm gay.

Yeah, you did, you said you wish you had their bravery to come out, and that maybe one day you will.

No, I said they're brave, and I wish I could be brave.

I was talking about the bravery part, not the coming out part.

You chanted that you're gay.

No one thinks I'm gay.

Gay yay, but nobody thinks I'm gay.

Donny, you decent?

Yeah, I'm dressed. Just trying on some new eyewear.

Okay, did you make some big announcement today on your show?

No, I did not make an announcement on my show today.

Really? 'Cause it seems like you did.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, the Internet has actually traced you back to your lover.

There is no lover for the Internet to trace.

What about Jason, Donny?

Jason is my trainer.

How could anybody possibly think I'm gay?

Uh...

What?

We did just walk in on you trying "eyewear."

And you never wear socks with your shoes.

Then we got your floral pants collection.

Floral pants.

Personally, I love a perky pant.

Okay, this conversation is over, okay?

We know I'm not gay.

Bye-bye, thank you.

Okay.

Thank you for your 1950s sensibility.

Oh, no, you dropped your eyewear.

Put some socks on, Donny.

Blue steel.

How was school, everybody?

Awesome. All my friends who used to think you were a sleaze are totally jealous now.

Is Jason going to be my other dad?

What are you ta...

We have cell phones, it's everywhere.

Congrats.

Is that why you and Mom broke up?

All right, guys, I'm not gay, okay?

And by the way, if either one of you guys were gay, great.

I am not.

But, Dad, you came out on your show today.

Just be who you are.

Okay, I didn't come out on my show.

I kind of got my words tangled up, trying to kind of celebrate those guys' bravery, okay?

Gay yay, gay nay. Sorry.

What?

Jason is here for your workout.

My girlfriend dumped me, man.

Talkin' 'bout me and you make a beautiful couple.

Oh, man, this whole thing has gotten so whacked out.

I'm sorry, it's so stupid.

How could anybody think I'm gay, man?

Come on.

Yeah.

All right.

What do you mean, "All right"?

You got tendencies, bro.

I got no tendencies.

You got tendencies, Donny.

Okay, there's only one tendency that makes somebody gay, and that's if they want to be naked with another man...

Gay yay... but I don't have that tendency.

Well, is that why you came at me last month, asking to see my junk?

Okay.

Hmm?

I was having problems with Christie Brinkley.

She didn't like my grooming. It was a grooming aid.

It was not a... didn't want to see anything you had.

You know that. Stop it.

I would know if I was gay, right?

You took the test?

What test?

The test, man.

Look, you put on a tape... some gay p*rn, dude-on-dude... and if your man stands up to attention... bow... you know what it is.

I don't have to put it to a test, all right?

Whoa, if you're so confident and you know that you're straight, what's the problem?

Because there's no chance I'm gay, right?

Yeah.

Can Lisa and I use your shower?

We're so dirty.

Is it really your first three-way?

Oh, this is gonna be so fun.

[women groaning]

Hey, anybody here? You guys?

Everybody left, right?

[women moaning]

Oh, yeah!

Oh...

[typing]

[prison door opening]

Inmate Johnson, I warned you about smuggling things into prison.

I'm going to have to ask you to bend over, right now.

I thought you'd never ask.

[zipper opening and sexy music playing]

I'm about to throw the full force of the law in ya.

[men moaning]

Hmm.

Yeah, moment of truth.

[men groaning]

No, straight.

What is going on here, kids?

Gay gift bags.

Okay, we got lots of congrats flowers, tons of party invites, and look at all these clothes.

Wow.

I just got all this stuff since everybody thinks I'm gay?

Yes.

It's amazing.

Designer duds, invites, all this attention.

The gays, they've been keeping it from us.

You know you're not supposed to put "the" in front of "gays."

Like, "the gays."

There are these perks that come with being gay that straight guys don't even know about.

Gay perks.

Gay perks.

Gay perks.

And remember Samantha Masters, the fashion editor?

Yes, super bitchy, but she is so, so, so hot, never invites me to any of her parties.

That was pre-gay. Post gay, she has some launch party at Marquee and she wants you to be her gay sidekick.

All right, we will take her gay invite and then we'll go from there.

Okay, you do realize she expects you to be gay, so you're just going as her arm candy.

You can't actually hit on her.

This is all good. This is all falling into place.

I kind of ride in on the gay Trojan horse, that's what gets me into the party, all right?

I'm hanging with her, like, ten minutes into it, I have this moment with her where I kind of go, like, "You know, I've been thinking I'm gay, and it's only because I've just never connected with a woman like you, and I realize I'm straight."

Really?

I mean, what a turn on it's gonna be for her.

Super flattering.

Super offensive.

It's a gay pivot, that's what I just did.

No.

Don't.

Coming out, best mistake I've ever made.

[big band music]

Johnny D!

Mr. Deutsch. Right this way.

I have the perfect table for you.

♪ Class act that's what I want to be ♪

There you go.

I'm really proud of him for coming out.

He really tried to deny it to the world, and to come out like this is incredibly brave.

It is incredibly brave.

It's not something you can turn back from.

The Tonys?

All right, well, I thought Neil Patrick Harris had that on lock-down.

♪ Class act, Everyone's smiling at me ♪

Not a big surprise.

No, not really. I-I...

Did you always know he was gay?

Oh, totally.

Donny float in the Gay Pride Parade?

Commencement speech? He's not that articulate.

I could always tell, like, his sort of fake hitting on me...

Yeah.

Was not real.

♪ Class act all the way ♪

Samantha!

Donny, you made it!

How hot do you look?

Mmm, thank you.

[gasps] You hear that song?

That's my favorite. You want to go dance?

Let's do it, baby.

[dance music playing]

♪ Body catch fire ♪
♪ I know what's on your mind ♪
♪ Take me, take me ♪
♪ Right for my hot girl ♪
♪ Hot girl ♪

[disco music playing]

Hey, guys.

Hi, this is Donny.

Hi.

I'm Donny. How you doing?

Hi, nice to meet you.

Great to meet you guys.

Pleasure.

So Donny totally used to hit on me back when he was in the closet, but I always knew.

Donny, I have to tell you, what you did was so courageous.

Beyond.

Trust me, I was not that courageous.

Oh, it was.

It was!

There's something we really need to do for you.

What?

Get this guy laid!

No, we don't need to do that.

Are you on Instabang?

Oh, yeah.

What is Instabang?

Oh!

It's the hornier Grindr.

Mm-hmm.

Donny, even I am on Instabang.

Oh, he is so on Instabang.

Tssh!

I'm not a big social media guy.

Donny, this place is like a veritable cafeteria of men.

I... you know what? I'm gonna just...

I gotta go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

Is he not the cutest?

All right, it's all good.

We're gonna move off the gay thing.

Right now, she's loving gay Donny.

In a little while, she's gonna be getting good love from straight Donny, 'cause you're gonna do a gay pivot.

You're gonna do it.

[door opening]

[sighs]

Impressive.

Oh, thanks. You too.

[zipping fly]

I missed you!

I missed you.

What took you so long?

What's going on?

Hey, do you want to go back out and dance some more?

No, I'm a little tired, but wow, Oh. that dress!

You like? It's not too Marilyn?

You look so amazing in it, it's making me think how not gay I could possibly be.

[laughs]

That is such a nice compliment.

No, I mean that.

You always had really good taste.

No, no, I mean that.

It's got me so confused that I think...

I just want to go home and make love to you.

[laughs] You are so cute.

But, Donny, I don't have sex with gay guys anymore.

I'm... I'm straight.

Donny love, you need to embrace who you are.

Be your real self, and the world will love you.

Watch this.

Hey, boys!

Who want to get with this silver fox tonight?

[enthusiastic catcalling]

Hey, sexy!

Everybody go back to your dancing partners.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Jag, what's up, buddy?

Dad, you look terrible.

Uh, yeah, I don't...

I don't feel so good.

Um, I had a very, very, very late night at the club last night.

With the guys?

No, pal, I was with women.

I told you, I'm not gay.

I'm not gay. Gay yay, pal, but I'm not.

It's okay to be gay.

I'm here whenever you want to talk.

When you're ready to talk, bring your phone to NET10, the largest, most dependable networks You never need a contract.

Keep your phone, your number, your network.

Just go to a retailer near you, and pick up an activation kit.

NET10, wireless your way.

[phone trilling]

You reach Galina. Leave message.

Hey, Galina, I know we're on a pause, and I never... you know me. I don't... I don't beg.

Please come over today, okay?

All right, I miss you. I'll see you later.

Oh, man.

[upbeat music]

[changing television shows]

Hey, Daddy. Galina's on her way up.

Oh, good. Send her up.

Thank goodness.

Oh, I am so happy you're here.

You said you had to see me. I'm here.

What's with the attitude? What are you so pissed about?

You used me as your woman, so you could go around New York touching all the men.

All right, I don't touch men.

I'm not gay. You and I, we've had sex, like, a trillion times.

I should have know when you shaved all your pubic hair.

Okay, that's just, like, to kinda be a little hip.

It's growing back.

You close your eyes when we make love.

I'm, like, making, like, sex faces.

That's... everybody does that.

I don't want a gay boyfriend.

I'm going to spin class.

I don't want a gay boyfriend either.

Baby, I'll keep my eyes open.

I almost never use Viagra with you.

Of course not. Look at me.

Oh, man.

You gotta help me.

I don't want to be gay anymore.

Being gay is not a choice, Donny.

No, no, no. This is really, really bad.

I mean, gay perks are great and everything.

Not worth it. I can't get laid.

My kids think I'm gay. Galina thinks I'm...

I slept with this woman 10,000 times, and she actually thinks I'm gay.

Gay rumors are almost impossible to k*ll.

Especially once this stuff hits social media, you might as well, you know, accept the new you.

Gay yay.

It's not funny.

This is my life. I mean, I have kids.

I... the... the... there's a lot of implications here.

I got it, I got it. I got it.

I'm just gonna get together with my ex-wife.

[scoffs]

I am.

Piper?

Duh, so simple.

Good-bye. Problem solved.

I quit.

How badly do you need me to do something?

Like new Birkin bag badly...

Like croc Birkin baldly.

Oh, wow.

I was not the best husband.

[scoffs]

I admit it.

There were a couple infidelities...

A couple? Manicurist.

Darla at the Hamptons. Galina.

Galina came afterwards, okay?

Did she?

I promise. The other two, mea culpa, and it was stupid.

What do you need?

Um, I need you to just call the tabloids, and tell them about all the women I slept with when we were married. A tell-all!

"Hey, you know that Donny Deutsch?

He slept with this girl. He slept with that girl."

It'll be cathartic for you to do it.

So you'd rather be a scumbag than be gay.

No, I don't want to be a scumbag, but I also don't want to be gay anymore.

I'm gonna help you.

By not going to the tabloids. We have kids.

I love them more than I resent you.

You're right. Stupid idea.

Hi, Piper. Donny.

Alan Cumming's people called. They sent you tickets to the premier of the "Vanderklug"...

[gasps]

Tonight.

Wow.

This is what I'm talking about. I can't do this anymore.

The gay perks? They just keep rolling in.

Hey, guys, I'm Maria Menounos from E! News, and tonight's stop story is Donny Deutsch.

He recently stepped out to the premier of Alan Cumming's new thriller, "Vanderklug," and briefly came out on his own show.

I'm coming out.

But is he really gay?

You know, speaking personally, I've known Donny for years, and anytime I've ever interviewed him, he's hit on me.

You look so hot tonight.

I have to tell you, if you weren't married, I would be in love with you.

And he has a long history as a lady's man, including Christie Brinkley.

So, even though he's allegedly linked with his hunky trainer, he is the biggest openly bisexual man in media.

Congratulations, Donny. You're an inspiration.

Well, you've managed to make headlines again.

You're all over Gawker.

Who's Gawker?

Gawker is not a person.

It's a website, and they're running an article that says, "Donny... is he gay, straight, or bi? We decide."

Who decides?

Gawker.

I don't understand.

"Write us about your sexual encounters with Donny Deutsch.

Whether it's this year or 25 years ago, we want to hear your bedroom stories about Donny."

I mean, what could you possibly have to hide?

This is gonna be so romantic.

Oh, sweetie.

This is why there shouldn't be an Internet.

There shouldn't be an Internet?

You know, anybody could write anything.

[playful music]

Yeah.

[bleep].

[bleep].

[upbeat music]

Are you ready for this?

All right, let me get this straight.

So Gawker is gonna decide whether I'm gay, or straight, or bi.

That's right.

That's great. That makes a lot of sense.

Up first, we have hotpantser71.

"The sex was good-ish. He kept claiming he was big for a Jew."

I believe that would go into the straight category. Check.

Ooh, this one's good. "And then he says, 'So, want to come to my place and I can be the lord of the manor, and you could be the woman who just escaped from the castle next-door?' Donny is straight, and way into role-playing."

That story could never be true.

That was a fun night.

We have another that said you could only hit one home run a night.

But it's a long one.

It goes the distance. Everybody's happy, okay?

All right. So are there any gay ones?

There are no gay ones, trust me.

Oh, got a gay one.

What do you mean?

There's a gay guy.

There's no gay guy.

There can't be a gay guy.

Gay guy says, "He peed in a urinal next to me at Marquis last week, and he casually complimented my penis."

He goes, "Impressive," and I just... manners... "Well, thank you, you too."

I didn't look... like, it was a manners thing.

Unfortunately, this is the comment that got, like, hundreds of likes, so most people still think you're gay.

Okay, this is ridiculous. The internet decides I'm gay, and once you're out, you're out.

And there's no way to... there's no way to de-out yourself.

There's no way to undo it.

People come out every day.

Why don't you just come back in?

Both: What?

You are a genius.

both: What?

Here's what I'm gonna do, tomorrow, on "Donny!" for the first time on national television, come in.

No.

I am coming in.

Might want to rethink it.

Live, heartfelt, proudly...

Yeah, you are.

Nope.

Bad idea, I just...

Ellen? That was, like, so yester...

Oh, I came out, like, please. Coming in.

Bad idea.

I'm coming in, America.

20 seconds, everybody. 20 seconds.

For the record, if you weren't my boss, I would forbid this.

All right.

Relax, this is gonna be bigger than Ellen.

You just sit back, and take it in.

The stuff of legends, yeah. That's for sure.

Oh, God, let this be a dream.

[upbeat theme music]

[applause]

Welcome back.

A couple of weeks ago, as a result of a show we did, there's been a lot of rumors swirling about my sexuality, about me being gay. Um, first let me say that, uh, I have the most incredible respect for the gay community.

[cheers and applause]

Yes, gay yay.

I know what it means more than ever now and there's a lot of wonderful things

about being gay.

Don't say gay perks.

I mean, the gay perks are extraordinary.

[sighs] Donny.

But I... wanted to, um... excuse me.

Laying it on a little thick, don't you think?

I'm sorry I'm getting a little emotional.

Um...

You the man!

I'm Donny Deutsch...

We love you, Donny!

And I am coming in.

[disappointed sighs]

I am straight, and I am proud.

And I think every man should be able to be straight and come in.

What the [bleep], Donny?

So I will let the chips fall where they may, and I hope I'm an inspiration out there for any men that are confused.

Congratulations, big boy.

I think we just lost the gay demo.

And I am in!

Which was our demo.

And I am straight!

Donny, you're an assh*le!

[upbeat music]

How you doing?

Hi.

Just, uh, me today.

Yeah, no, absolutely.

I've got the perfect table for you.

Great.

This way.

There's... are open ones right up here.

No, there are some better tables in the back.

Here you go, just for you.

This table's not even clean.

Oh, I caught your show, by the way.

It's real brave.

No more gay perks, huh?

[toilet flushes]

Still gay yay.