07x09 - The Convention

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

So, where's my desk?

You won't have a desk.

That's the whole Smile Superstars international concept.

Everything is modern and open.

You'll just float from chair to chair with a smile tablet.

Really? Smile tablet?

I'm sorry, Dr. Goodwin.

I don't get why we have to do this.

I thought what we had was going great.

Long lunches, going online looking at bad celebrity plastic surgeries.

Frankie, I know all this new stuff is scary.

I was the same way with Indian food, but now bring on the sag aloo.

And don't worry, Dr. Samuelson will explain the whole deal.

Wait, wait... who?

Dr. Sommer Samuelson, our fearless leader.

Now that we're members of Smile Superstars, we're under her umbrella.

Her story is capital "a" Amazing.

She came from a bad family... her parents made pottery.

And now she owns the 13th largest dental chain in the country. [Gasps]

[Chuckles]

You'll hear it at the convention in Des Moines next week.

What? No!

I can't afford to go to Des Moines.

I had to siphon gas out of the lawnmower to get here.

That's the best part. Y'all's expenses are paid.

Sorry, Frankie.

If you're opening a new branch, it's kind of mandatory.

Actually, they call it "fundatory." [Laughs]

♪ ♪

Frankie: This is gonna suck, Mike.

They took my desk away.

Do you know how many cookies were in there?

And now I got to go to some stupid convention.

Hey, you should go with me.

Why would I do that?

Let me finish. It's in Des Moines.

Eh, I don't think so.

Come on.

It's gonna be at a hotel, all the expenses are paid.

And besides, won't it be good for you to get out of your normal routine and watch TV in a different location?

That has always been the dream.

Listen, I'm gonna be at seminars all day, so you'll have the place to yourself.

So, just to be clear, I don't have to go to any dentist stuff or talk to anybody or do anything?

No, Boo Radley, you can just shutter yourself in the room.

Okay. I'm in.

He's like a locust.

There's no more food. Go infest another house.

Oh, my god, it's not my fault I'm stuck living here.

I accidentally paid two hippies I thought were my landlord.

Do you think this is easy on me?

Think I like seeing mom walk around in her bra?

Good, then it's working.

Hey, mom, can I take this old bedspread back to school?

I was thinking I could turn my extra bed into, like, a fun study-lounge area.

You know, put some lemonheads on an end table.

Maybe I can lure people in.

Wait, hold on. [Snaps fingers]

This is perfect.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Sue's just sitting there with an empty bed.

I need a bed. You guys are driving me nuts.

Ha ha! I'll just crash with Sue.

Forward my mail. That's a thing, right?

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mom, dad, you cannot let this happen.

I don't even know if it's legal.

What if I get written up again? Dad?

You got an empty bed and we got an empty fridge.

I got to go with Axl on this one.

Mom?

I'm sorry, honey.

We just really need him not to be here.

Don't fight it, Sue. It's happening.

♪ ♪

[Gasps]

Wow!

Yeah, wow. Look at that TV.

Betcha that's a 46-incher.

Oh, my god, this bathroom!

Look! They have a square showerhead.

Oh! There's a little soap for the sink and a little soap for the tub.

You don't have to carry it back and forth.

But let's do that anyway so we can take one home.

Hey, look. You barely touch "channel" and it changes, and the button doesn't stick inside the remote where you got to get a fork and dig it out.

Hey, you want a tiny can of Pringles and the cutest vodka I've ever seen?

Courtesy of Smile Superstars International.

Hit me, baby.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, my gosh.

Look how easily these slide.

[Gasps]

They have a safe. They think we have stuff.

Hm.

All right, I got to go down to orientation.

I'm gonna see if I can sign in and duck out, so hands off the snickers and gin.

♪ ♪

Frankie: So, while we were gone, we got the best babysitter we could find.

But she wanted 10 bucks an hour, so we went with free.

Hey there, Brick. I found this out by the curb.

I'm guessing someone threw it out 'cause it's busted.

That was mom.

She ruined it sucking up rotted lettuce out of the fridge.

Oh, well, we'll get her fixed up.

I'm sorry you had to come all the way over, grandpa big Mike.

I told mom and dad I could take care of myself.

Oh, now, you may think you can, but you need somebody to look after you.

Remember, the bird that leaves the nest too early ends up on dr*gs in Indianapolis.

So, who's ready to have a little fun with his grandpa?

[Snoring]

What's this for?

Oh, that's your vision journal.

You know, for writing down your thoughts and feelings, any ideas to make the company better.

[Scoffs] What a load of...

Man: And now the moment you've all been waiting for, Dr. Sommer Samuelson!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you!

Thank you all for coming, and welcome to the Smile Superstars bi-annual meeting and educational workshops.

I think you'll find it informative, inspiring, and most of all...

Fun!

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪
♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪
♪ believe in believin' ♪
♪ go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

[Cheering]

[Snoring]

Hey, grandpa big Mike.

[Grunts]

Um, I was just resting my eyes and...

What... what's this?

It's 9:00.

I was getting kind of hungry, so I went to the store and did a little grocery shopping.

I made us scrambled eggs.

Scrambled.

I'm not sure about this, Brick.

I've never been too crazy about yellow food.

They're good for you. Just try one bite.

♪ ♪

One bite.

That's not bad...

For a food that's yellow.

If you eat it all, you'll get dessert.

I've never been crazy about plain water.

You got any juice?

Smile Superstars is a different kind of company.

We turn reality into dreams with our proven tools for creating unlimited wealth.

[Scattered applause]

Debbie Grimes? Where's Debbie Grimes?

There she is.

Debbie won a trip to Hawaii for recruiting over 50 new clients for our joplin branch!

Thank you, Debbie. How was Maui?

Oh, you don't need to tell me. I've got a house there.

[Laughter]

Now, let me ask you.

Are you tired of working yourself to death and still not reaching your goals?

Are you tired of looking around and seeing everyone else get theirs and you not get yours?

I'd like to get mine.

Do you see those people on those fancy boats and planes and think, "that should be me"?

Well, that can be you.

It can?

You bet it can.

You can earn your way into our platinum elite club and be on a private jet as part of our winner's circle retreat to Costa Rica!

Who's with me?

Who's with me on a private jet to success?

I am!

[Cheers and applause]

We can change the world one smile at a time!

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪
♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪
♪ believe in believin' ♪
♪ go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

Well, Axl and Sue might've shared a house for 18 years, but for the first time in their lives, they were sharing a room.

You know, I've been watching you.

You brush your hair a lot.

Shut your mouth!

Shut your stupid mouth!

I did not want you here.

I did not ask for you to be here.

You are here because I am nice and I am weak and I am still a little scared of dad!

And just so you know, there is fudge somewhere in this room that grandma sent to me with love, and don't even bother trying to find it because it is hidden and it is mine!

Correction... was fudge.

That's it! You took something I love.

Now I am going to take something you love.

I do not like this palm tree.

It does not go with my room.

[Air hisses]

I am not doing a beach theme.

I am doing classic rustic cottage, which anyone with half a brain could see!

Die!

Die!

Oh, my god, Mike.

I can't believe how inspiring that was.

I mean, okay, at first I thought it was a bunch of crap, but it's not.

Seriously, this could be a game changer for us.

Every single person is an independent business owner with the unlimited potential as we redefine the future of dental care with Smile Superstars' line of proprietary products and transformational business model.

And get this... if I bring in a client, even if they go to the Texas branch, I get a commission.

Who do you know in Texas?

I talk to people, Mike.

Remember yesterday at that rest stop, I handed that woman toilet paper under the stall?

She's from Texas.

Hmm.

No, no, it's... it's just that I'm feeling like I'm... I'm tingling right now.

I'm just so excited, I'm pumped, I'm... oh!

Oh!

[Guitar notes play]

I am trying to study, Axl.

I'm studying, too.

You couldn't possibly be studying because you are playing guitar.

Look, Sue, everybody likes the guitar.

Nobody likes you.

Therefore, everybody likes me playing the guitar.

It's the pythagorean theorem.

I learned that studying while playing guitar.

Your witness. I'll see you in law school.

I mean it, Axl.

Finals are coming up.

Nobody wants to hear your dumb guitar.

Cool guitar.

Yeah, we were wondering where the music was coming from.

Ah, come on in.

I take requests. What do you like?

Do you know anything by The Lumineers?

Ha! Practically a professional.

[Chord plays]

Yeah, I got nothing.

[Chuckles]

So, do you live here, too?

Yeah. Been here all semester.

Really? I haven't seen you around.

Oh, well, I've seen you.

Well, not like in a weird way or anything.

Just, like, in the bathroom and stuff.

Lemonhead?

See, there's one thing Sue forgot about her brother...

Everybody liked him.

And by the pythagorean theorem, everybody liked her, too.

Yep, she was on a real high, and she wasn't the only one.

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

Take it uptown!

♪ Tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

Take it downtown.

♪ Believe in believin' ♪

Whoo!

Hey.

♪ Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

And through the tears, I said to myself, "they can take away everything, but they can't take away your smile."

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪
♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

You take the m-I-l-e out of "smile," add a u-c-c-e-s-s to that "s" that was left over, and you've got "success."

And you can't spell "success" without "u."

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪
♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪
♪ believe in believin' ♪

[Knock on door]

Man: Room service.

Ah, sh**t, you b*at me again.

You're so good at this.

I give up.

No, no. Just one more game.

You can be red this time. It might change your luck.

I'd love to, but unfortunately, I've got a ton of work to do.

I'm gonna put a video on for you.

Oh, how about "Kelly's Heroes"?

You like w*r, don't you?

[Imitates g*nsh*t]

[Chuckles]

♪ ♪

In just a matter of days, Sue's room had become a place she would never have gotten invited to.

[Gasps] Hey, Jordan.

Come on in, girl! Yeah!

Whoo!

Axl, it is after midnight.

This is the latest I've ever stayed up at college.

I feel like I could go all night.

[Birds chirping]

Oh, my god! I slept through my test!

Oh, my god.

I can't believe I'm missing a test.

This is a disaster.

Me, a test misser?

Axl, you're not listening to me!

I am missing a test, and it is all your fault!

My fault? What are you talking about?

I threw a party in your room, and you loved it.

I did.

I did love it.

I was partying like John Mayer last night!

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's 20 minutes left of class.

If I Wade through the fountain, I can shave off 30 seconds.

Sue, you are not thinking clearly.

You cannot take a two-hour test in 20 minutes.

Right. Maybe I can ask for some extra credit, or mom can e-mail the professor and explain to him that I made a mistake.

Sue! This is not high school. They don't care.

Look, just give me 10 minutes and I can teach you how to get out of this.

Congratulations.

You've just been accepted to the University of Axl.

♪ ♪

Hey, now, watch that stuff.

Checkout's at noon.

We got to focus on cleaning this place out.

Everything that isn't nailed down.

Hey, I was thinking, on the way home maybe we can stop at the candle museum.

Whatever, babe.

Ooh, we got mail.

It's a bill, Frankie.

Why would we be getting a bill?

You said the trip was all expenses paid.

It is.

Then why are they charging us for minibar, room service, and movies?

Hold on. Is the room charge on there?

No. Just all the extra stuff.

It adds up to $674!

Wait, wait, wait. This is weird.

There's got to be some kind of mistake.

Hey, Dr. Goodwin.

Um, you said all expenses were being taken care of, right?

Yepperoonie.

[Chuckling] Oh, thank god.

'Cause we just got a bill by mistake for our room service and minibar charges.

Oh, no, now, they never pay for that.

That's why I always bring my snack sack with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But you said all expenses paid. That's what you said.

No, I distinctly remember saying y'all's expenses are paid.

Not all y'all's.

No, no, no, no, that can't be.

I mean, how is anybody supposed to know that "all y'all's" is plural for "y'all's"?

Well, all y'all's would obviously be more than y'all's.

I mean... what is he saying? Do you speak hillbilly?

Not well, but I think this hillbilly is telling us that we owe $674.

Ooh, y'all ordered a lot.

Oh, man.

I ordered ribs, and I didn't like them, so I ordered a steak.

I was living like Caesar up here.

And, Frankie, seriously? Dry cleaning?

They folded my underwear. It made me feel special.

But what about you? Shoeshine?

What are you, running for congress?

I thought all expenses were paid.

It seemed nuts not to do it. Let's just run, Mike.

Let's just grab the soap and Kleenex and run.

We can't. We gave them a credit card... the good one.

Ooh, boy, I got to say, y'all are in quite a pickle.

Are we? [Southern accent] Are we in a pickle?

Have we done and done it?

Are we long-tail cats in a room full of rockers?

Mike, calm down. That is not helping anything.

Now, look, I will think of something, but in the meantime, take the robe off, hef.

That costs 60 bucks.

Take the other one out of my suitcase.

Okay, we start with the basic categories of lies.

Number one... personal tragedy.

You're dying, a friend's dying, grandma's dying.

You get the picture.

It's old school, but it totally works.

It does, however, require a certain shady moral compass.

I could never do that to grandma.

She just sent fudge.

Well, there's the "appeal to their humanity" lie.

You call up the professor and say, "I could tell you a lie, but I respect you too much."

Wait, so am I lying or not lying?

That might be a little advanced for you.

There is a new category that's very promising.

The "I identify with the opposite gender and have issues" lie.

The only downside is you have to live the next four years as a man.

It's a big commitment.

I don't know! I don't know!

Okay, Axl, just tell me what to do.

Please! Please!

I can't do that, Sue.

You got to come up with your own special lie so when you say it, you believe it.

Okay. Okay. I'll say I-I was outside sudfeld hall when I saw a man collapse.

Good. Man collapse.

I like it. Go on.

And... and he was scared.

A-and he wanted me to comfort him, and... and sing him a song.

Eeh! Lose the song.

You might be required to sing it.

Right, right, right, right.

Then he looked into my eyes and he eked out, "don't leave me, please!"

And I didn't 'cause I wouldn't.

I really wouldn't.

So, I waited until the paramedics came, a-and then I ran all the way here 'cause I really want to take this test.

Nicely done, Sue. I like this lie for you.

It's fresh. It's original.

It's very you. You got this.

Thank you.

Sue, where were you?

[Panting]

[Vomits]

Hi, Dr. Samuelson?

I'm Frankie Heck from the new Orson clinic.

Of course you are.

[Chuckles]

Anyway, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Not that I'm accusing anyone, but I'm not sure it was 100% clear that all expenses were paid.

Oh, it's very clear.

The convention and your room is completely paid for.

Okay, see, I think that's the misunderstanding.

Again, not accusing anyone... it was Dr. Goodwin...

But some people's expenses were not just the room and convention.

Wow. You guys really had fun.

Yeah, we did. We really did.

[Chuckles]

But since this is my husband's and my first time with all expenses paid, we were hoping that you could, just this once, fold the bill into all your other expenses.

Just fold it in.

You've been with this company for all of 48 hours and you're asking me to pay your $674 bill?

Maybe.

Wow.

That's the exact kind of moxie we're looking for.

Picturing the impossible and thinking you can make it happen.

In this case, you can't.

But don't lose that fire.

So, you're not going to pay for it?

No way.

Selfie?

Sure.

[Cellphone clicks]

♪ ♪

[Telephone rings]

[Beep]

Hello?

Cindy, I told you not to call at this hour.

I just put him down for his nap.

No, you know I can't go out for ice cream.

Who would watch grandpa big Mike?

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

I've got a million things to do.

He left all his stuff on the living room floor.

All I want to do is finish picking up, pour myself a glass of juice, and decompress.

Boy, they're a lot of work at this age.

It's a good thing grandpas are cute.

Oh, I'm telling you, Sue, that was great.

You took the lie, you internalized it, then you externalized it all over your professor.

Impressive.

Oh, thank you. It felt good.

Well, not the throwing-up part, but the make-up test is awesome.

Damn, Sue, you crushed it.

You have just graduated summa cum blabbity-blah from the University of Axl.

Aww.

Listen, I know I was a little hostile about having you here at first, but now I'm kind of glad you're my roommate.

[Chuckles] Actually, was your roommate.

What? Where are you going?

I'm like Mary Poppins.

I've helped you.

Now it's time for me to move on and help others.

And in this case, "others" are two super-hot chicks that live above Donovan's market that'll let me sleep on their beanbag for a week.

But it won't be the same here without you.

Of course it won't, but when the fudge returns, so shall I.

Wait!

♪ ♪

[Clicks tongue]

Bye.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Sue.

Oh, Axl's not here. He moved out.

Oh, well, actually, we were gonna go get some lunch and wanted to know if you wanted to come with.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, oh, lunch is one of my favorite meals.

[Laughs]

You know, Mike, I think it's really nice that Smile Superstars is willing to pay the bill.

They're not paying it, Frankie.

They're taking it out of your next six paychecks.

Well, I don't care. We had a great time.

You know, it's because of our own stupidity that this whole trip was possible.

I mean, were we stupid not to find out everything wasn't paid for beforehand? Sure.

But if we had found out, would we have had so much fun?

I don't think so.

And I had fun. Did you have fun?

Yes, I had fun.

Hm. You bet you did.

Ha! Yeah, that's right.

Not over yet.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey.

Shh.

Oh.

He's a good boy.

Wasn't much trouble.

Another year or two, you won't even need me.

♪ ♪