Patricia: Don't touch my boobs.
Rob: Why not?
Patricia: I don't want all that bacteria on my nipples.
Rob: What? What bacteria? I don't have any bacteria.
Patricia: Yes, you do. You touch your balls every five minutes, and then you touch your face and your phone. Then you touch your balls again. I don't want all that bacteria. I'm still breastfeeding the baby at night.
Rob: So I can't touch your boobs?
Patricia: No.
Rob: Well, that sucks.
Patricia: [Sighs] You can touch my boobs over my shirt.
Rob: Yeah, but it's not the same thing.
Patricia: Yeah, but it's better than nothing.
Rob: Yeah, barely. Can I at least touch one of them?
Patricia: [Sighs] OK. Touch the right one. But stay away from the nipple.
Rob: God, so many rules. OK. Which one?
Patricia: The right one.
Rob: The right one? This one?
Patricia: Mm-hmm. Touched the nipple. I told you not to!
Rob: I couldn't help it, honey. Once you start touching, you just go right to the nipple. That's what everybody does.
[Scoffs]
[clicks tongue]
[Baby crying]
Well, you lost your chance.
No, let her cry.
No.
No, crying is good, honey. She's got to be strong.
Let her cry a little!
[Baby crying]
Rob: [Sighs]
She's got to learn to cry.
[Sighs]
[Opening theme]
Man: Rob...
Will you sign these?
Rob: Yeah.
What the hell is this?
This is your movie, "Deuce Bigalow".
It's one of my favourites of yours.
It's a blank disc!
No, it's on there.
I downloaded it from the internet.
[Sighs]
What's this?!
The bonus features!
You want me to sign a bootleg "Deuce Bigalow" bonus features?
Yeah. It's a set!
Thanks! I can sell these for, like, two bucks.
Christ!
Jamie: [On recording] Hey, it's Jamie, Rob Schneider's assistant. Please leave me a message!
Look at that.
Jesus! What the hell, man?
I'm sorry.
You do know what time I got in, right?
I'm sorry.
Traffic on the 405 is nuts right now!
You're sorry?
I've been waiting a half hour for your ass!
I've got a lot of sh*t going on!
I've got a lot of sh*t going on, too, waiting for you all day!
I'm really sorry, man.
What is all this sh*t?
Margaret kicked me out of the house last night.
I don't blame her!
She thought I was hitting on some girl at Whole Foods.
Were you?
No!
I mean, she was hot...
Where the f*ck am I going to sit?
I'll make room.
You can't be serious with this!
I'm sorry, man.
It's been a terrible, terrible day.
I just...
Are you f*cking kidding me?
I'm sorry!
The airbag is going to blow my f*cking head off!
I have a 40-year-old assistant.
Now, he's a great guy, but two things: never hire a 40-year-old assistant and never hire your friend especially a friend that doesn't know jack sh*t about computers... especially when you don't know jack sh*t about computers!
Get me out of this piece of sh*t!
God! Fur in my face...
I've got your bag.
Do you have to drive with your whole record collection?
[Sighs]
Did you update my Twitter account?
I've got a guy on it.
Then what do I need you for?
I'm the one that got the guy.
Did you book my flight to Portland?
It's done.
Almost.
Almost?
It's either done or it's not done. It's not "almost" done.
Relax, man! I am on it!
When do you leave, again?
Friday!
Is that that f*cking stalker guy?
Yeah.
He always knows exactly when you're going to be home.
He knows your schedule better than I do.
What a psycho!
My wife's Mexican.
She's not, like, jump-out-at-you Mexican, you know what I mean?
I'm not saying, like, Mexicans jump out at you, but, you know, there is some occasional jumping, you know what I mean?
I'm Patricia, Rob Schneider's wife.
Rob and I have an 11-month-old baby girl.
I don't have a nanny right now.
She got injured walking the dog.
Nanny: [Unintelligible]
I'm not working right now, and I get bored easily, so I need to be doing lots of different things.
What the hell is that?
It's an exercise pole.
I thought they were called "dirty stripper poles".
Shh! Don't wake up Miranda.
This is the perfect room for it.
I can work out and watch Miranda at the same time.
Yeah, but these things are dangerous.
I think we should get rid of it.
No. I'm not getting rid of this pole.
I think this is sending the wrong message to the baby.
Of course it's the right message.
She's going to learn how to work out.
What am I supposed to do now? Pay 20 dollars?
You already spent 1,200 dollars on this... without installation.
[Whispering] I love you!
I got rid of the pole because I didn't think it was sending the right message.
Ugh.
She's super-cute, though.
She's the cutest when she said "ah-thung"?
Patricia: I know! [Both laugh]
Oh...
sh*t. Sorry.
Wait. What...
You're not going to eat that, right?
It didn't fall on the floor. It fell on my shoe.
My shoe is clean.
That's disgusting.
If you eat that, I swear you're sleeping on the couch tonight.
Yeah.
What? What's the matter?
It's called "shoe-shi"!
You know, women are so easily grossed out.
She's like "I found a hair!
It's a hair! Disgusting!"
And I said, "Well, take it out. It's not a finger, it's a hair.
Just, you know..."
"No, I don't want to eat anymore. I don't want to eat it.
Now I'm disgusted. I'm not hungry.
I don't want to eat anymore."
You know, it's like guys don't understand that at all.
You know, when it comes to food, guys work around the problem.
For a guy not to eat his food would take more than a hair.
For a guy not to eat his food would take multiple hairs attached to a pair of balls, you know?
Then a guy's going to go, "How far away are those balls from the food source?
If I wore a visor, I could probably sneak up on one of those things and..."
Rob makes me buy all sorts of weird sh*t!
He's got me driving all over town, going to all these different farmers' markets, it's got to be all organic.
And I try to get all organic, but sometimes... like, if I'm fighting with my girlfriend I just go wherever.
Hey, buddy. Can I get 20 dollars on pump number 8?
And can I get five of those apples?
Clerk: Sure.
Jamie: They're right beneath the condoms.
This apple tastes like sh*t!
There's no way this is organic!
Are you sure? Jamie just bought those.
It tastes like motor oil.
We've got to get rid of Jamie.
Why?
I just don't think he really does anything.
You've been saying that for the last five years.
Well, this time, I really mean it.
Hey...
I finally figured out something that I can do that could be a really good business.
I'm so excited to tell you all about it.
That's great, honey!
I want to hear all about it.
First, I have to make five phone calls.
I think it's a great idea.
It might make us some good money.
Rob: Mm-hmm.
That way, you don't have to be on the road so much.
Honey, you know I love you.
What makes you happy makes me happy, and I want that for you, OK?
OK.
Whatever it is.
Patricia: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I want you to be... Oops! It's my agent.
[Baby crying]
Patricia: OK.
Oh! She's awake.
Rob: Hey, Andy. What's up?
Andy: The club in Portland needs to know your flight information.
Well, Jamie was supposed to send it to them.
Well, they don't have it yet!
Patricia: Honey, I need your help in here.
[Sighs] I'll be right there, baby!
Right. They need it as soon as possible!
Yeah. I will call Jamie right now and I will make sure that they get it.
OK.
I've got to go.
Honey, that crazy stalker guy!
That weird stalker guy is staring into the back yard!
What's going on?
I was going to get your suit for the book signing, but the battery for the closet lock d*ed.
I told Jamie to change the battery in the closet lock a week ago!
Well, he never did it, and now my clothes are trapped in there, too.
That's it.
Call "Dipshit".
Phone: Calling "Dipshit".
Jamie: Margaret, you know I love you and you're the hottest!
Listen to me.
I've got to take this call.
I've got to grab... No, it's not the girl from Whole Foods!
It's my boss!
Hold on. I've got... Hold on.
Hey, Rob. What's going on, man?
Where are you?!
Walking the dog!
For three hours?
Dude, I have not been gone for three hours.
Even if I was, it's 'cause I'm out there doing stuff for you.
I asked you to get batteries for the closet lock a week ago.
Now I need to get in there, and it's locked!
I called the guy!
If you don't believe me, you can check my phone.
You don't need a guy to get batteries!
You just go to CVS and you get the batteries!
What kind of assistant doesn't know how to change some batteries?
I won't use him next time.
I won't use you next time!
I can't take this anymore!
I'm sorry, man.
I've been a mess since this breakup and I don't even know what's happening with us right now.
I'm tired of your excuses.
I'm tired of you trying to find guys to do stuff that you should be doing.
No, you're right.
I should be doing some of that stuff.
Some of it? You should be doing all of it!
Do you even know where I'm supposed to be in 45 minutes?
You know what?
I've got to charge my phone in the car and I'll call you right back.
I'm really low on battery.
Of course you are!
Maybe you should get some guy to charge it for you.
It's dying! Oh! Oh no!
Hey, baby.
I'm sorry we're fighting.
His phone just d*ed.
I can't even fire the idiot!
We've got to break in there.
OK.
Well, you can probably do it.
Oh...
What do you mean?
Like, you might be able to get in there, because you have a... your nationality has a strength in, um, [Spanish] Como Se dice "unlocking things that are locked"?
Patricia: Oh... [Chuckles]
Miranda, did you hear that?
Daddy thinks, because Mommy is Mexican, she should be able to break into things, like all Mexicans are good at breaking into places.
Is that it?
I don't mean that.
I didn't... I never... Miranda, I didn't mean that at all.
I just... Can you?
Voilà.
Gracias.
Don't hold this against me.
OK.
Can you take me?
I can't.
I'm teaching a Zumba class.
Is that important?
What do you mean?
I mean it's very important and you shouldn't miss it.
And then, later, I have auditions here at the house, if that's OK.
Of course it is.
How are you going to get there?
That moron Jamie has my car!
I don't even know the address of where I'm supposed to go!
Wait. Who can I find at the last minute that knows my exact schedule and can take me there?
I've got to be there by 4:30. Thanks for driving me.
Stalker: You're actually supposed to be there at 4:15.
The signing starts at 4:30.
Damn! I forgot to get something to eat.
Here.
This is your organic juice from Erewhon.
Thanks, man.
It's got an extra sh*t of ginger!
I followed you down there, and I asked the juice guy exactly what's in there.
[Chuckles] He told me everything!
That's creepy... in an awesome way.
This is what I do.
I don't have a pen. Where's a pen?
What kind of Sharpie would you need?
Oh, thanks. I guess a silver.
Mm... I would go with the black because it goes so much better with the cover design.
Wow.
This guy's good, huh? [Chuckles]
"You can do it." [Chuckles]
Alright. See you. [Chuckles]
Ah.
Man: Excuse me, Mr. Schneider.
Yeah?
Do you mind if my wife takes a quick photo with you?
Sure, no problem.
Just take the flash off, OK?
Yeah, yeah.
Alright.
Flash off?
Ah. You f*cked me on that, didn't you? OK.
Thanks a lot.
Prick.
Hi. What's your name?
Cheryl.
Cheryl. Is that with a "Cherrrryl"?
[Woman chuckles]
Alright. There you go.
Thank you.
OK. Thanks now.
You can do it.
Hi. And what's your n...
Where's my phone?
Stalker: Here's your phone.
I charged it for you in my car.
You did?
Yeah.
Wow.
[Chuckles] And your name?
Stefanie.
Is that with a "ph" or...?
F.
F? Oh.
Sorry, too late.
I already did it. [Chuckles]
Thank you.
You can do it. Thanks.
A busload of handicapped people just arrived.
I've got to get you out of here.
You're right. They take forever!
Can't thank you enough, buddy.
You're, like, a million times better than my assistant.
Thank you.
Hey, where did you get this car, anyway?
My grandmother gave it to me.
Rob: Yeah?
This is a precious baby.
She practically raised me, because, see, my mother, she wasn't really capable of being there when we wanted her to, because she...
Alright, buddy.
Hey, thanks a lot, huh?
You're a good man. Take care.
Hey... what are you doing tomorrow around 3:30?
Picking you up for your meeting at Fox Studios with the head of the television department, Mr. Jeff Goldwyn.
[Laughs] Alright.
We'll see you then, huh?
Sorry. What's going on here?
Oh, I... I...
No, no, no... Not so...
Rob: [Muttering]
Hard, not so hard.
Softer.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no...
Rob, Rob, Rob, no, no, no, no...
Rob: How's that?
Stalker: Rob...
I got it.
Stalker: Please! No!
There you go.
No, no, no, no!
I'm sorry.
Please!
That's not how you fix it.
There you go.
No! No, Rob...
OK. I'll see you tomorrow, huh? Thanks, man.
[Sobs]
Hey, honey. You're not going to believe this.
That stalker guy is amazing.
I think I'm going to hire him as my new assistant.
Man: What's up?
Hey. How are you doing?
What the f*ck?
What are all these naked guys doing in here?
That's what I was trying to tell you.
This is my new idea.
What's your new idea?
Throwing a surprise party for Anderson Cooper?
No. I'm putting on a male cabaret show like Crazy Horse in Paris, but, instead of naked women, naked men.
This is the casting.
These guys can really dance.
Yeah, I'm glad they can really dance, but can they really put on a shirt?
Do they have to have their dicks waving in front of the baby?
Where is the baby?
Hey, give me that!
Baby: Whoa!
Honey, don't they already have these shows?
Yeah. I've been to a bunch of male strip shows.
They all suck.
Well, that's interesting.
You went to a bunch of them, they all sucked, and yet you continued to go.
I was doing research.
You hear that, Miranda?
Mommy's doing research at male strip clubs.
Now she wants to own her own male strip club.
No, that's not what this is at all.
OK, guys, you can take five.
I want to put on a great show.
Women spend money like crazy on those kind of shows, and those are not even good.
I'm going to make something special something from a female perspective.
Honey, when we met, I was a TV producer in Mexico.
I didn't give up my career and my life just to move here to the States with you.
You didn't?
No.
Well, that sucks.
I need to do something for myself.
I can't be just a desperate housewife.
Rob: Well, just tell me the truth.
You want to do this show, but you also wouldn't mind being surrounded by a bunch of half-naked, hunky guys.
No.
I just think this is a good opportunity to have a good family business.
Just admit that you like the idea of being surrounded by a bunch of naked guys, and I'll be fine with it.
OK, maybe a little bit.
Thank you.
No. No way. Absolutely not.
I'm not asking you for permission. I'm just telling you that I'm doing it.
Well, since I don't have a choice, I...
I guess I'm fine with it.
OK, I've got to go now.
Patricia: Mm. OK, baby.
Did you just have to kiss that guy's tit?
What?
The guy's tit!
Some guy have a problem with a woman's sexual past, you know?
Some guys, you know, get f*cked up about that, you know?
Some cultures get f*cked up about that... like the Taliban, you know?
They get weirded out by a woman's sexual past, you know?
It's like I know my wife and I know she had a past.
You know, she lived with a guy. I'm not naive.
They probably made out, you know?
I'm not stupid, you know?
But that Taliban... Oof.
That... What's that... What was that kind of, um... that Sharia law?
That's tough.
If a woman has sex before marriage, they could stone her to death.
That's pretty extreme, huh? Stoned to death?
I mean, I could imagine maybe one stone.
You know... like, a little one.
Pop! "Whore."
"What? Huh?
Did somebody just call me a whore?
That's f*cked up."
He's great. You'll see.
He's ten times better than Jamie.
It turns out stalkers are natural born assistants.
I don't want to have a stalker inside of our house.
He's not going to be inside the house.
That's the best part!
He stays outside and he still st*lks me.
It's perfect.
It's creepy.
How do I look?
You look good.
OK. Got to go. Give me a kiss.
I'm not comfortable with it.
Hey, Rob!
You never brought my car back last night.
Why did you take it in the first place?
I had all my stuff in mine.
Thank you for letting me sleep in there. Very comfortable...
I didn't let you sleep in it!
You took it without asking!
Hey, we'd better get you to your meeting today.
I'll drive you. Come on.
I don't need you to get me to my meeting.
I have somebody else to take me.
Maybe I'll just grab you a few things from Whole Foods.
I'll see you later back at the house...
I won't be seeing you later at the house, either!
I'm f*ring you.
You're f*ring me?!
That's the word that just came out of my mouth!
"Fire you"!
You know how you always get that guy?
The guy who knows how to do all the stuff?
All the stuff that you should be doing?
I got that guy!
What?
Yeah, I got him.
OK. Obviously, you're upset.
Obviously!
Jamie: And you should be.
Uh huh.
I deserve it.
Maybe you should have some organic greens, some Nordic bottled water...
Organic greens and Nordic water is not going to save you this time, Jamie.
I'm replacing you.
With who? Who did you hire?
You hired the stalker?!
I got your juice!
I didn't know you liked juice in the morning!
Well, I do.
See you around, Jamie.
Well, how am I going to get home?
I don't know. Why don't you call that guy?
You know, the guy!
He never calls me back.
I don't blame him!
First of all, we are big fans of your work. We really want to work with you.
Thank you.
The script is perfect.
There's just a couple ideas we'd like to run by you.
OK.
First off, is this something you have to star in?
Wh... Well, I mean, it's called "Rob".
I was... I was hoping, you know? [Chuckles] I mean...
Well, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to star in it.
Um... Yeah. Yes.
You see, I want this to be more real, you know?
Like, um... a lot of the shows, you know...
I mean, I think the audiences really want to see that these days, you know?
And I'm not afraid to show that part of my life especially now, with my young family...
What is that guy doing out there?
Huh?
That's my stalker.
How did he get on the lot? Call security!
He drove me here.
What?
We drove... drove together.
You... You know your stalker?
Yeah. He's my stalker, but he actually...
Um, I needed a ride.
He's... He's very...
Thank... Uh, Rob, uh, thanks for coming in.
When is my next meeting? Have I got a 3:45?
Hate to run, but got to go, Rob.
Thanks.
Thank you.
His notes were terrible!
Especially the ones about casting.
These guys, they have no idea what they're talking about!
I know where they live if you need...
No, no. Don't do anything crazy.
OK.
Don't forget about your radio interview tomorrow.
Uh, and, also, I booked your Portland flight for you.
Wait a minute. You have my credit card information?
I took your statement out of the garbage a couple of months ago.
I've got to get a shredder.
Yeah.
Alright.
So, what time are you picking me up tomorrow?
OK...
I... I've got to tell you something, Rob.
What?
I... I can't pick you up tomorrow.
I can't be your assistant.
Why not?
We've got a good thing going.
You're the best assistant I've ever had!
I'm a stalker.
I like watching you from afar.
But now you're in the car with me!
Isn't that even better?
Yeah, you would think so... but no.
I think I understand.
So I'm going to go back to hanging around and show up when you least expect it and make you feel uncomfortable... if it's OK with you.
Yeah, I guess.
[Chuckles]
Oh, jeez! I'm sorry.
Wow. That just came right off there.
Here, I'll put it back on for you.
Sorry about that.
It's OK.
No, I got it.
I... I got it. I got it.
Sorry.
Oh, f*ck.
Sorry. There you go.
Ah.
I'm sorry, buddy.
You should probably fix that thing, or...
Ah.
Oh my God.
Hey... one more thing.
Patricia is wearing that pyjamas you bought her for Valentine's Day.
[Chuckles] Have fun.
Wow. That does make me uncomfortable.
Oh, I love you, too.
I mean... I'm sorry. OK. Bye.
My wife, she wanted a security system for the house, you know?
I said, "OK. We'll get it. Whatever you want."
She went, "I want an alarm system with a motion detector... to detect the motion."
I said, "OK. Alright."
So we got the whole motion-detector thing, we set it up, and I thought that would calm her down.
She wasn't calmed down at all, you know?
She was still like "Did you check the garage?"
"Yeah, but we got the alarm system there."
"Yeah, but, by the time the alarm people come, the guy will be through the garage, upstairs, and stabbing, and strangling, and stabbing, and strangling, and sh**ting, and stabbing."
I said, "OK, I'm going to check the garage."
So I go downstairs, check the garage.
Like, of course it's closed.
I never left it open a day in my life.
"Yeah, the garage is closed."
"Did you check the front door?"
"Yes."
"You paused. You always lie when you pause, you know?"
"Yeah, I do I always lie when I pause. Alright."
"Yeah, I checked the front door. It's locked.
The chain was on, too."
It's like "I didn't put the chain on.
Did you put the chain on?
Who put the chain on?!"
"Honey, nobody broke in our house and put the f*cking chain on, I guarantee you."
"Did you check the sliding glass door?"
"No, but I was about to.
First, I wanted to take off my pants, and get into bed, and kind of regroup, you know?
Now that I've done that, I'll get out of bed, put my pants back on, and check the sliding glass door."
I check it.
Of course, it's locked.
I get back into bed, you know?
"I hear something!"
"Honey, the only person who wants to k*ll you is already in the house, OK?
And he knows all the codes, OK?
He knows all that sh*t."
I feel like I got dumped by my stalker.
Is that even possible?
You need to move on.
Next time you hire someone, just make sure to hire the right person someone with your highest potential.
I hired Jamie back.
I knew it!
You coward.
I know what to expect from him.
Yeah, nothing.
Hey, but I have great news.
What?
I hired a new nanny.
Oh, that's terrific!
Mm-hmm.
We really need one.
Mm-hmm.
Is it someone you trust?
Absolutely.
Good!
You're going to love him.
Him?
You hired a guy?
Yeah.
Shouldn't I have at least met him first before you hire a guy?
You already met him.
When?
The other day.
He's one of my male dancers.
You've got to be sh1tting me!
Shh! You're going to wake him up.
He's here?!
Well, I told him he could stay in the guest room.
No f*cking way!
God damn it!
Honey...
Get out! Get out of my house!
Wait! Don't kick him out. Come on.
I want you out!
Don't do anything stupid, please.
Come back. Please.
01x01 - Pilot
"Real Rob" is "an exaggerated yet brutally honest depiction of [Rob] Schneider's real life", while living in Hollywood.