07x13 - The Great Night of Shiva

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The League". Aired October 29, 2009 – December 9, 2015.
"The League", set in Cook County, Illinois, is about a fantasy football league, its members, and their everyday lives.
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07x13 - The Great Night of Shiva

Post by bunniefuu »

Greetings, members of the league! Remember last week when I ran into a former flame? Well, it was that night I made a very important decision.

I never want to be without you again.


Ruxin: Oh, no, Andre, what are you about to do?

So we went to Mexico and tied the knot! We went to Mexico and tied the knot!

Wait, what?

(Andre laughs)

Yeah! I'm Mrs. Meegan Nowzick!

And I don't really hate it that much.

The name, I mean.

Taco: Wow.

I could've notarized it.

You know Venezuela's different than Mexico, right? How so?

But right now it's all about my lady.

That's me.

And bam! Bam!


I never thought I would be embarrassed for Vanilla Ice to be associated with something.

♪ Why don't you join us in a dance where you are? ♪
♪ We are robots who are in love. ♪


Check it out.

Oh. Jesus, Taco, what the hell happened?

You know, just normal wear and tear.

This is not normal wear and tear.

Well, also, the pony knocked over a lava lamp. There was a f*re...

The pony caught the place on f*re?

No, no, no.

The pony caught himself on f*re.

This was from smoking in a bed.

Was that you, Taco? No, it was the pony.

Aren't you listening to what I'm saying?

Anyway, now all I have to do is get insurance and I'm gonna make a fortune.

Uh, it doesn't really work that way.

It's all part of my master plan.

Step one of the master plan: burn down the EBDBBnB.

Step two: vanish without a trace.


Can't tell you, Jenny. I wish I could, but I don't trust you.

Can you believe it? Soon the EBDBBnB will be closing its doors. What? Taco, you have people in there.

Taco: Hey, guys, watch out for the hole in the floor while you're having sex!

It's real dangerous in there.

You want to come up?

Ew. What? No.

Not with me, with strangers.

Oh, God, Taco.

All right, I'm going in.

Jenny: The rules of the Fertility Bowl are simple:

And when I win, she's gonna get her tubes tied. Oh, boy.

But this is a very serious issue, so we're gonna try to be mature It is. about it. . And that's why I made a trophy.

Let me introduce you to the Snip.

Look at this. That's a real trophy, babe. Oh, yeah.

Your name's gonna go right here for the rest of eternity.

We'll see about that.

Never run with the Snip.

Be careful on the stairs.

Carry the Snip with the sharp end down.

Kevin: I don't really care for this thing.

Then why didn't you make your own trophy?

I was going to, but the trophy place didn't have plastic ovaries.

That's disgusting.

I know.

That's what the old lady that worked there said.

Kevin: Wow.

Andre: We're so excited you guys are here. You guys.

This is great.

What is it exactly?

Andre: Oh, it's a baby gender party. It is a baby gender party.

So it's a baby shower?

Meegan and Andre: No.

Yohave to buy other presents the next time. No.

Yeah, we'll ha a shower registry, and this is the gender registry.

I need a cocktail. Yes. Oh, we have boy cocktails and girlocaiSo, if you want a boy, pick a blue cocktail. If you want a girl, pick a pink cocktail.

I'll just mix a little of both in a glass and call it an Andre.

That's what he's been doing all day.


Great. Okay.

I mean, how are they gonna babyproof this joint?

Well, Andre already pe-proofed it.

Ooh. Anyone gonna take a hit off of Kevin's pubes?

Mm. I don't smoke the red stuff, thanks.

Hey, uh, Pete, what'd you get Andre?

Uh, nothing. Why? What are you talking about? You got to get him something extra special. You guys are Eskimo husbands.

While it's true we've spelunked in the same cave, only I left something behind.

Ew. That's so gross.

Wh, like a brokeadla?

Oh, hold that thought.


I have a very important announcement, everyone.

Now, I know you think today's party can't get any better. No one thought that.

Uh-oh. What's that?


Oh. I think they're gonna sing.

I've reunited my college a cappella group, the Dre Tones, and we're gonna bring Oh, no. our Motown sound ba ti-To.

♪ Do you recall ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive? ♪
♪ Hope in the air ♪
♪ No one had a care ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore Drive ♪
♪ And now marital bliss ♪
♪ Dre's seed in her uterus ♪


♪ Down by Lake Shore ♪
♪ Drive ♪
♪ Down by Lake Shore ♪
♪ Drive... ♪

(laughs) Give it up for the Dre Tones!


Everybody clap!

Kevin: Wow.

Andre: Yeah.

The Dre Tones! You guys remember the Dre Tones.

I know that you were busy for the shows that you were supposed to come see, but I figured if you couldn't come to them, they could come to you. Anyway, I'd like to say a few words, if I may.

Oh, my gosh. Taco with a speech.


Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

First speech!

Andre, Meegan, this has nothing to do with you.

Everyone, I want you all to know that I am going to mysteriously vanish and I want you to know why.

I have been summoned to court.

I knew that one day it'd catch up to me. Yeah.

They want to put me on trial. They want me to fry. No, they want you to be on a jury.

You can't be on a jury and tried at the same time.

That's not how it works, dum-dum.

I thought you were a lawyer.

Noyou n't...

Just... Taco, what exactly are you trial for? What?

Did you guys never ask yourselves, "How does he maintain this decadent lifestyle?"

The bicycles, the vintage suit t used van?

We p for all of that. That's us.

The spear g*n?


I guess we really just didn't want to know the truth.

I appreciate that, Ruspin.

So I guess this is good-bye.

All right, bye. Later.

I love you, guy...

Well, I don't love y...

What's just below like and above dislike?


I neutral you guys. Andre, I neutral you less.

So more towards like?

So I'm gonna vanish right... now. Poof. Smoke.

This is crazy.

No. Let him go.

Vanishing! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I'll take some of that.

Vanishing food. Mmm.

And just like that, he mysteriously vanished.


Andre: Well, everybody, let's not let one vanishing wreck a whole afternoon of a cappella fun.

Oh, no. Let's just have one more vanishing.

What? No. No, no more vanishing.

Poof! Smoke.

And you made a pitch pipe appear! (gasps)

Meegan: Magic!

(plays note)


♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪
♪ On the treetop... ♪


Dre Tones:

♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ Hello, my baby, hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my ragtime, ragtime gal, send me a kiss by... ♪

The Dre Tones are driving me crazy.

I know.

Andre is so sexy.


So, when does the little pumpkin drop?

Labor Day.

When did you guys break up again?


Oh, I remember.

You guys broke up around the Beer Mile. That was week four of the NFL season, 'cause C.J. Spiller was on my bench, and he k*lled it.

And then you said the baby was due Labor Day.


Most people don't know this, but a baby actually gestates for ten months.

I know. Don't remind me.

(chuckles) But that means the baby would have been conceived at the end of October, not at the beginning of October, around week seven or eight of the season.

But you and Andre had broken up at that point.

I don't.

You know what, I'm probably mixing up my dates.

The doctor was just throwing a lot of numbers out at me...

I got some week five problems here. You got a problem there, too.

Oh, it's nothing.

Don't worry about it. Yeah.

Roethlisberger's out.

So what do I do, pick up Tyrod Taylor?

I mean, you can, but you'd never have the balls to use him.

Tyrod Taylor's like buying a Bowflex.

You're gonna buy it 'cause it looks good, and then you're like, "I'm never gonna use this."

Never use him. (grunts)

What is it, hemorrhoids?

No it's just a weird night. Sleep.

You know.


Meegan: ...maybe could be coming early or...

It doesn't really matter, as long as we have a healthy baby.

Hey, Meegan.


Can I guess what sex the baby is?


I think the sex... was with Pete.

(chuckling): Oh, man.

Shark Ruxin, sniffing out the blood in the water and chomping down on the truth!

Please don't tell Andre.

It was one time.

Does Pete know?


He doesn't know, and he cannot know. Promise me he will never find out.

Keep that nasty finger away from me.

Please, please, Ruxin.

Um, Meegan.

Meegan, come here.

I-I-I'll be right there, honey.

Hold on. Promise me.


Ruxin, promise me.

Come here, come here.

I'm coming, honey.

(chuckles) This is an amazing baby shower.

It is now time to announce the sex of the Nowzick baby.

Is it a boy or is it a girl?

Mouth-roll, please!

♪ What's the sex? ♪
♪ What's the sex? ♪
♪ What's the sex? ♪
♪ What's the sex? ♪


It's a boy! It's a boy!



Kevin: Between the Dre Tones and the hummus,

I'm gonna barf. Does your stomach hurt?

What...? Is that...?



Nice job vanishing, Taco.

The only thing vanishing are our deli meats.

(sighs) Hey, honey, I'm ho.

(chuckles) Oh, my God. What is this, a youth hostel?

You guys look great.

Where you been?

Out. We were at Andre and Meegan's baby shower.

Don't tell him.

She's pregnant?

Jenny: Yeah.

Oh, God, I hope it's not mine.

Why would it be yours, Rafi?

I've been jacking down on their towels like crazy.

You think that's how it works?


She puts the towel on, my biz gets on her leg, swim, swim, swim, next thing you know, four months later, Baby Rafi comes out.

Well, congratulations if you're having a baby, Rafi. No, I don't want a baby with Meegan.

Plus, if you must know, my very serious girlfriend Margaret and I have been trying.


Oh. You and Margaret are stilgether. Yeah. But...

I don't know she can get pregnant or not.

I'm starting to worry she might be seedless.

Either way, it's... time to go.


So... you should be...

No, no, no. I'm sleeping back here, behind the couch.




Because Margar's already back there, and I'm already hard.

So you guys should probably get out of here pretty quick.

Jenny: at?

Kevin: Um...

You know what, you-you might be right, Rafi. Cool.

It's about to get weird! (chuckles)

You guys are welcome to stay and watch. I'd love the audience.

(screams) Oh, my God!



No, no, no, no, no!

Someone m*rder Margaret!

First Sofia, now Margaret!

Someone's m*rder the womeat I love!

We're just gonna go to bed now.

I think we should... (sobbing)

One, two, three. (exhales)

(grunts) Mmm. Oh.

One last time, baby.

Rafi, the remote...


Don't judge me, Brian.

I need you to look at me, Brian.

I need you to look at me so I can finish, Brian.

Oh, no.

There are seeds.

She was pregnant!

Do I roll the dice with Stefon Diggs or... do I play it safe with Allen Robinson?

God, Andre's team is stacked.

If I tell him about Pete and Meegan, he'll implode.

On the other hand...

I'm such a good friend.

I need a sign.

(doorbell rings)



I'm so sorry I didn't come to the funeral.

I was out of the country.

No, no, no.

You're here now, and that's all that matters.

Shiva: This is for you, Geoffrey.

Oh, a baseball glove. Thanks, The Shiva.

Just "Shiva" is fine.

Oh, you did great, buddy.

Hey, go upstairs, I'll tuck you in in a bit, all right? Okay.

Oh, my gosh. I didn't know what to get you, I'm sorry.

Oh, Shiva, your presence is a gift.

Are you doing okay?

Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, I mean, there's... one thing.

What is this?

This is my fantasy lineup.

Okay, what do you want me to do with this?

I want you to bless it.


A blessing from The Shiva.


Rodney, you know that I'm just a girl you went to high school with, right?

I don't have magical powers, I can't help you win a fake football league.

I know it seems crazy, but...

Is this really gonna help you?

More than anything anyone has done for me since my wife died.


Specifically in the wide receiver area.

That's been a real bugaboo this week.

This is what I would do: Hey, you seen my pube trimmers?


Who's this?

Shiva, Rafi.


Very firm grip.

You know what that means-- super good hand jobs.

Okay, Rafi, that's enough.

Sorry to interrupt, but, uh, I just can't help but feel like with Sofia only, like, a month d*ad, it's a little early for you to be dating.

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

We're not dating.

Oh, whatever you call it-- like, finger blasting, ass blasting. No.

Okay. Okay... Kissing on the mouths: upstairs, downstairs.

Wide... wide receiver.

You know what?

I'm just gonna go. Front to back, top to bottom.

Rodney... I'll see you...

Swappin' poops, butt to butt.

I'll see you next week.


Next week is too late.


Ooh, you smell good.

What is that, McDonald's?

Mmm. Wow.

She's like a Big Mac.

Shiva, just tell me who to play at wide receiver.

(door closes)

Oh, Rafi, you screwed it up.

That was great.

You're welcome, man.

You're welcome?


No, you screwed me, Rafi.

She was about to bless my lineup.

Well, I'll bless your lineup.

Is that what we're talking about here?



There you go, bingo bango.

Blessed, Rafi style.

Ruxin: Tell him. I shouldn't tell him.

Tell him.

Don't tell him.

Tell him.

Hey. Hey.


What?! What the hell?

Who are you?

Where am I?

Come on.

What are you, an idiot?

Who do I look like?

Should I know who you are?

I would think so.

Did you jerk off into a sock when you were 12?

Yes, but who didn't?

Okay, yeah.

Camp Whiterow.

You scored ten points in the color w*r game, you came home, you told everybody you scored 28.


In the sixth grade you played Ali Hakim in Oklahoma! In Oklahoma!

Oh, yeah. They cut the song. Yeah, they cut my song, "It's a Scandal! It's a Scandal, It's a-a... It's an Outrage! It's an Outrage!"

It was scandal! A scandal!

Both: It was an outrage!

So you're me.

Sorry to say I am.

Yes, I'm Ruxin from the future.

The hair's a bummer, man.

The hair's a real bummer.

You know why that happened.


After you told Andre, you lost your job, you lost your friends, you lost the league.

So you're saying that because I told Andre, I lost my hair?

Yeah, I got used to it after a while.



Do women?

There's a small percentage that has a thing for it.


Yes. Those are the ones you got to go after.

How are they?

Not great.


Hey, come on, I want to show you something.

Just show it to me here.

I can't show it to you, I'm comfortable in bed.

Why do I have to get up and go somewhere?

Get-get up.

Come on, let's go.

I want to show you something.

All right, all right, all right.

(both sigh)
So, what, I make some decision to tell Andre, the league falls apart, everything goes to shit?

Even worse.

Holy shit, that's the Oracle.

Jenny: The Freaky Friedman kid?

I kind of want to talk to him.

Okay, I'll pay for the nuts. Oracle!

Still licking food and putting it back. Classic.

Excuse me? You still play fantasy football, man?

I'm having problems with my number-two running back this week.

I got Melvin Gordon.

Oracle: I wouldn't worry about it.

See, what happens this week is... you die.

(snorts) Okay. Uh, you don't have to get so dramatic, man. I haven't told you the rest of my lineup.

I got Melvin Gordon or... (grunts)


Kevin? Kevin?

Kevin?! Kevin, oh, my God, help me! Help!

Oh, my God.

I can't believe Jenny's a widow.

Well, I didn't exactly say that.

(breathing heavily)

Honey, I'm home from work.

How was your day?

Those kids wanted a spaceman at their birthday party and they got one.

I bet they did.

Ellie, dinner!

I heard you, Mom.

Oh, my God.

Ugh, yuck.

I'll eat at the tattoo parlor.

Such a hard worker.

Sweetheart, what are you gonna eat there--

Red Bull and vodka?

Maybe, biatch.

Are you gonna be bringing home the older gentleman you're in a casual relationship with?

And don'foet to pick up your kid at day care.

There he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, young man.

(gasps) Oh.

Chalupa Batman, is that a joint?

What did I tell you?

Do notteal from your father's stash. m.

Usyo vape instead.


Look at this family we've got, huh?

(both grunting)

Let's do it in front of the kid.

Okay. Okay, fine.

I want to see what happens if I don't tell Andre.

Do I win The Shiva?


Mm. Mm.

You know, it is so flattering, but you do not have to blast my name every time you climax.

I actuly lally do.

No, you don't.

Well, I'm happy you're happy, because now you're stuck with me, Rodney.

Everybody calls me Somakanakram.

I can't believe you took my name.

And legally changed my first name to Ruxin.


Okay, well, good to know what happens, theoretically, in the future, but what happens this year-- do I win the league?

That's up to you.

So... Okay, I'll-I'll make a decision here, just...

I mean, what do you think, do I play LeSe McCoy-- does he end up having a good week?

Come on, do the right thing.

I would do the right thing if I knew I had a rock-solid lineup.

Stop tinkering and choose.

Okay, fine. But you know where I like to do my final tinkers.

Yes, I know where you like to do your final tinkers. Mm.


Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm... Mm...

All right, I don't think I need to be here for this.

I will, uh, let myself out.

Wow. I mean, what a pleasure! What a pleasure!

We have to get together! We have to get together!

Aw... Oh, yeah. Aw... Oh, yeah.

Uh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, uh...

Yeah, sure.



Is there a problem?


No problem.

I just kind of forgot, uh...

(scoffs) I hate myself.

(computer beeps, Ruxin groans)

Oh, no, no!

Getting older sucks.


Pete Eckhart.


Hi, I'm James.

I'm with DraftKings.

Welcome to fantasy football world championships. Thanks.

Little FYI-- tournament's no different than what you've been doing all season.

Here's the thing, there's only ten players.

Highest score wins it all.

Oh, that's crazy-- my league is actually doing the same thing this week.

Your other league allows you to win a million dollars at the end?

No, we-we compete for a trophy.

It's... it's actually named after this girl we went to high school with.

Her name... Great story. Nicky, get him a ticket to paradise, show him to his table.

Good luck, Peter.

Uh, okay, yeah.

See you out there, man.


Oh, you know, I'm in my high school league championships at the same time, so I'm pulling double duty.

Yeah, you should definitely work on that.

I'll, uh, focus on winning a million dollars.


He's actually right.

The hell am I doing?

All right, set that lineup.

Adrian Peterson. My Eskimo brother. I mean, it's A.D.-- you got to do it, right? Are you trying to look at my lineup?

No, I was just talking about football.

Why would I want to talk about football with you?

I'm actively trying to b*at you.

I also want you to lose.

This is really fun.

I cannot believe that we are ending the season like we began it-- in shitty costumes.

Relax and behold the Maha Shivaratri.

The great night of Shiva.

Wait, is this, like, a real religious ceremony?


Om Namah Shivaya.

Praise Shiva.

Praise Shiva. Praise Shiva.

Ruxin: Praise Shiva.

Andre: Praise Shiva. We do not belong here.

We absolutely belong here.

Kevin: Yeah, we've got The Shiva, The Sacko...

And don't forget The Snip.

Ah. I got to hand it to you, Commish.

How'd you swing this place?

Oh, I told 'em that the trophies were... a special offering.

And I did bring a way for us to watch the late games on the iPad.

Ooh, all praise Wi-Fi.

While we're on the subject of praising, let's do this right, shall we?

For you.

What are you doing?

There are no false idols.

(speaking foreign language)

Oh, oh, guys, guys, quiet, it's starting.

(speaks foreign language)

(Indian pop music playing)

That's cool.

How are the Bears doing?

(man singing in foreign language)



Put your hands up! Put your hands up! Ooh!

♪ ♪

Ooh! Ooh!


What's going on, guys?

I have reappeared. Smoke.

I couldn't stay away, even if means going to jail.

How's it going?

You come to this temple often?

Taco, get over here!

I'll talk to you later.

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Oh, look at all these people worshiping The Shiva.

Fantasy football's really taken off over the past few years.

Yes! Matt Forte, TD!

That was a value pick, too.

Suck it, shit-sippers!

Excuse me. That's inappropriate language.

Well, it's smack talk.

This is fantasy.

Come on.

Why would you think that I sip shit?

Oh, you know what?

Forget it. You...

(cheering on TV)

Aaron Rodgers!

TD! Come on!

Man: Stop.

Don't look at me.

I want to foot-punch your face.

I don't care.

I'm winning.

(speaking foreign language)

Ooh, Rudolfo, give me a spritz of that.

You know what? Give me a little kiss on this cheek, too.

(silly giggling)

Looks like The Sacko is concluding first. Oh.

And tied with the lowest score, we have Pete and Taco.

Who's The Sacko?

Pete's got no one left, and you have Justin Tucker.

Baltimore is about to kick you guys. Yup.

Justin Tucker's a kicker?



I had Justin Tucker once.

You've had every kicker once.

Guys, I won! Pete Eckhart!

I won a million dollars!

Yeah, you're also about to get The Sacko, so...

Man (on TV): Justin Tucker... gets ready for the kick from 47 yards out. Oh, shit.

Oh, kick is up.

Man (on TV): The kick is up.

And... ooh, no good.


Mm. No. Flag.

Man (on TV): Wait. We've got a flag on the play. Oh.

Offside. Pittsburgh five-yard penalty.

Kevin: Offsides on Pittsburgh!



That is a shitty call!

I don't know.

The ref said.

Yeah. Refs.

Okay. All right.

Uh. Rekick.

Man (on TV): Here's the rekick. It's up.

And it's good.

And it's...

Another three points.


Oh, son of a... Sacko!

No, no, no, I saw him miss it.

I lost fair and square.

He didn't have to redo it for me.

Pete, you lost because of a bad call from the ref.

Karma's a real bitch.

Should I remind you guys that I just won a million dollars?

Should I remind you you are... Sacko!




Oh, Sacko!

♪ Sack-oh! ♪


Sacko del Toro!

You know, I am rich enough that this really shouldn't bother me, but this really bothers me!

Money can't buy you not-Sacko-ness.

What about The Shiva?

We'll find out soon enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, please come and seek the blessings of Lord Shiva.

Oh, now's the time. Here we go, guys.

Pete: Oh.


Yup, this way. Come on.

Here we go. This.

All (chanting): Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shivaya.

(shouting): Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!

(whoops) Excuse me. What...?

Just, with you in one second.

Now, first up, the Fertility Bowl.

(Jenny laughs)

With a score of 87 to 76, I am happy to announce I am keeping my parts the way they are!

What? No! No!


You give me that!

Let me see that!

I'm sorry about your balls, Jenny.


Shut up, Pete!

But if you're gonna open up the hood, you should let me in there, and I could just get...

What? No! Shut up about my parts!

Jenny, here's the Snip.

You are the winner. No.

No, I'm not taking that!

This whole thing is stupid!

I'm not doing this!

Jenny! Oh, Jenny, come on!

Don't... What? What? No, no, no, no, no, no. Shiva.

Shiva, Shiva, Shiva.

All right, fine.

I wasn't gonna make her do it.

I just wanted to lord my victory over her.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Everyone waiting here!

Chill out.

Your league'll be next.

Now to the main event-- the Shiva Bowl.

Pete: Fine.

And the winner is... a tie between Ruxin and the Coin-- 84 to 84.

Well, so that means I won.

No, we have to go to the tie-breakers. We...

The tie-breakers are all even, as well.

Points, record, head-to-head.

Well, I won.

I mean, what are you gonna do?

How are we gonna solve this?

I say flip the Coin.


Flip the Coin?

The Coin is obviously gonna choose himself.

Come on. What do you mean, "choose himself"?

It's Coin collusion!

Pete: Okay, here it is.

It is not Coin collusion.

I mean, this is a classic case of Coin collusion!

Well, how do we break the tie then?

You can't have a race, you can't...

Just... flip it!

You heard the man. All right, we'll flip the Coin.

You can call it in the air, okay?

Oh, thanks so much.

Here we go.

♪ ♪

Heads. No. Tails.


Mother f*ck!

f*ck you, future Ruxin!

He f*cked me!

If I ever see him again, I'm gonna chop off both of his butt cheeks, use 'em as buns, then chop off his meaty clackers, stick 'em together in a big meatball sub, and then make him eat it!

Okay, I'm gonna go see how Jenny's doing, so...

You had to tinker on the Coin flip.

Pete: Is this what it comes down to?

I mean, a coin is our Shiva Bowl champion?

Shiva, is this what you want?

Are we all so unworthy?


Now, get the hell off my stage!

Well, I'll just keep this for safekeeping.

Ooh! Change.

Here we go.

Just total bullshit!

Ruxin: Get your trophy.

Oh. Oh, get my trophy, Ruxin?

I will get my trophy.

I will get my trophy, and then I will throw it directly into the trash! Guys, I couldn't find Jenny... Hey!

(Kevin and Jenny screaming)

All: Oh! JENNY: Oh, my God!

(Kevin screams in high pitch)

Oh, my God!

(high-pitched screaming)

Jenny: Oh, no!

Kevin: Oh!

Ohno Oh, God, is it bad?



Yeah, it's awful.

Ruxin: Ugh, what a tragedy.

I can't believe I lost to the Coin.

What the f*ck is going on?

Just normal fantasy football stuff.

(Kevin screams)


Kevin: What's going on? What happened?

Just relax, Kevin.

You've lost a lot of blood, but you're gonna be fine.

It smells like bacon.

That... is not bacon.

We're cauterizing the smaller vessels.



Hey, handsome, you're awake.

What happened?

Shiva: Kevin, you've suffered extensive trauma from a sharp object.

Oh. What?

We couldn't save your testicles.


Oh, God.

Kevin, you got straight-up snipped by the Snip.

Oh. So I'm gonna lose my balls?

They are gone.

Did you keep them?

Well, I can ask.


I want them to go in The Sacko.

Pete: I will go look in the Dumpster right now if that's where they are...

Ruxin: Hold on, so, Pete wins The Sacko, which means he gets Andre's beach house, and he now has the money to fix it up, and he gets Kevin's balls?

How is this a Sacko punishment?

Well, as The Sacko commissioner, um...

It is decided?

I'm sorry. Kevin just lost both of his testicles, and all you care about is your league?

(quietly): Hmm. Yeah...

Kevin: Yes.

It was what I was thinking about, too.

Well, at least you guys are consistent.

Ever since I've known you, you have never stopped being stupid.

Kevin, I've given this a lot of thought, and I'm willing to donate one of my testicles to you.

No, I don't want it. It'll be the one I use less.

Like the lazy-eye testicle, the one that wanders.

Here, feel this guy right here.

No. God almighty, Taco.

That guy.

Oh, my God.

Jenny: Oh, God. It's gonna be yours.

It's gonna be in you.

Andre: I just want you to know that I'll do the procedure.

Let me see the canvas I'm working with here. (gasps)

Taco: Oh!

Oh, looks like someone sucked the pork out of a dumpling.

Well, guess that's the end of the season.

All the winners and losers are accounted for.

Except for one, Pete.

May I remind you of a bet that you and I had...

Mm. ...about who would be happier at the end of the season.

Right. Yes. And I know that you won the house and all that money.

But I... am gonna be the father of a beautiful baby boy.

I won, and it's not even close.

Well, Andre, I cannot compete with that.

As a consolation prize, I'll quit my job, I'll never work again, and I will buy a first-class plane ticket and fly off into the California sunset.

Woe is me.


You know what Pete used to say about fantasy football?

"There are many things a man can do with his time, but this... is better than those things."


Did you feel that?

Oh, my God, it kicked!

We need to Vine this.

Let's go. Come on.


Oh, my God...

Meegan: It's so exciting when he kicks!

They seem happy.

We're not gonna tell Andre, right?

Wait. You knew?

This unmentionable stays unmentioned.

At least until the kid's 18th birthday.

Mm. You want to get a coffee, talk about it?

Let's go.

Happy 18th birthday, son.

Thank you. I have spared no expense making you into a great man.

Enrolling you in the best magic camps and teaching you the fine art of haberdashery.

But this is the one I'm most excited about.

Your own fantasy team.

Really, Father?

Welcome to the league!


Welcome to the league!


Huh? Your first message board message!

Hello, Andre.

You are watching this video 18 years in the future.

Andre, what's the future like?

What are the douchiest douche bags wearing now?

I don't know.

We are sh**ting this video on the day your son, Andre II, was born.

The Deuce!

Named after your turd of a father.

He's not... not a turd.

It's actually a more fashionable way to say "Junior."

Kevin: Speaking of which, we have something we'd like to tell you.

All (to tune of "Hava Nagila"):

♪ Andre is not your father ♪
♪ He's not your papa ♪
♪ Biologically, hey! ♪
♪ Andre is not your pa, Andre is not your pa ♪
♪ Pa, pa, pa-pa-pa, Andre's not your pa ♪
♪ Hey! Who... is? ♪
♪ Who, who, is, is? ♪
♪ Pete's your dad, Pete's your papa, Pete's your dad ♪
♪ Pete's your papa, Pete's your dad... ♪

Pete's my father?

♪ Pete's your real live dad. ♪

Let's grab a beer sometime.

Welcome to the league, buddy.

Suck it!

(panting softly)

(laughing): Yes!


(laughing): Yeah!
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