01x10 - The Wedding of Rad Lie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
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01x10 - The Wedding of Rad Lie

Post by bunniefuu »

Nebula: The Thermospherion. Moonbeam City's newest, tallest, sophisticlassiest hotel and casino. Hi! I'm Nebula Deluxardio, from the Deluxardio crime family.

Hey, how you doing?

Nebula: We funnel all our crime money into this legitimate enterprise, featuring not one but two revolving restaurants: Rotations and Revolvos!

And nightly shows by Equinox, King of the Doves!

You're gonna love my doves! [laughs]

Nebula: So take a gamble on us!

Make your family part of our crime family.

g*dd*mn Deluxardios! They rob this town blind, while that idiot Nebula shows up on every tabloid cover.

Blech. She's the worst.

I know! She puts out so many workout videos, I can barely find time to watch them all.

It's time we finally take down Nebula's father, Don Segatore Deluxardio.

But it won't be easy. He's extremely elusive, and he keeps himself completely isolated...

Chrysalis: Wait, there he is!

[all murmuring]

Let's get him!

[g*n f*ring]

[glass shattering]

[b*ll*ts ringing]

Aw, out of rounds already?

This thing is worthless!


[horn honks]


Yes! Score 1 for Rad, the master assassin-ster!



Be careful, I have ticklish thighs!

[techno music]

1x10 - The Wedding of Rad Lie

[all talking at once]

Chief Miller, what is the name of the officer that took Segatore down?

Obviously, we're keeping that information secret, so as to not...

I'll take it from here!

The name's Rad.

Do I scare you? Good!

'Cause I got a thirst for mob blood, and I always want seconds!

So better say your prayer-inos, 'cause...

So you're the dirty pig who k*lled my Dad!

[feedback] No, no, no, no! It wasn't me!

It was Dazzle Novak!

He k*lled your dad and forced me to brag about it!

[crying] Oh God, he's a monster!

I always vowed that if anybody k*lled my father, I'd make sweet, sweet love to them.

[crowd gasps]

[camera shutters click]

Oh yeah, you dirty pig!


Oh, make my Daddy roll in his grave!

Oh, he's rolling now.

Wait, I'm the dirty pig!


Save some public sex for me! Oh!

Genesis: Everyone's talking about


Moonbeam City's horniest new super couple, Debulazz.

With a passion fueled by hot, steamy dad-hate, they've been powerspoodging charity events, supermarkets, and red carpets citywide.

They join me in studio tonight.

Debulazz... oh, whoa! [laughs]

They're doing it! Oh, my glasses.

You're getting my... it's okay, though!

No, no, no! Keep it on them!

Keep it on them! Screw standards and practices!

Zoom in on their butts!

Nebula: They said it was their highest ratings since the live su1c1de of Mayor Pendragon.

The doggy style in particular seemed to resonate with younger viewers.

Rad: I, for one, found it disgusting.

Boo-hoo, Rad. You're just jealous of me and my exotic new humpbuddy.

No, I just prefer not to kiss and tell... about my hot new girlfriend who gets naked at me all the time.

[all murmuring]

Uh huh. She just moved into my mansion in Diamond Crest Estates, and the Jacuzzi has never been more filthy.

[pleased exclamations]

Say, Rad, do you have any pictures of her?

Uh, I had some, but the guy at the Fotomat stole them, to masturbate to.

That is too bad. Without any proof, people might start suspecting that she doesn't exist.


And that you don't even live in Diamond Crest Estates.


And that everything about you is just a lie!

Uh, well, guess what? She's visiting the office this week!

She never misses a chance to prove that she exists!

Great, I can't wait to meet her.

Hope you like egg, 'cause your face is gonna be covered in it.

Bring a whole carton.

Oh, I will Cage-free!

Make them jumbo.

Oh, no problem!

I'm a very versatile egg chef.

Rad: Stupid Dazzle! He's wrong.

I do live in Diamond Crest Estates!

Cunningham! I thought I told you to clean that Jacuzzi!

It's never been more filthy!

Yes, Mr. Blastrod! [sighs]

How am I gonna handle this girlfriend thing?

What should I do, Steven?

[squeaks] Yes, Steven! I know I'm not friends with any girls!

Thanks for rubbing it in! [squeaks]

You're right. I do know one girl.

But she might be more trouble than it's worth.

[squeaks] Okay, okay. I'll call her.

What's that, Steven? You want to give me a goodnight kiss?

[screeches] Ow! Let go, Steven! Stop it!

Quick Debulazz huddle. What's our sex anecdote for today?

We cannot repeat material. These people are vultures.

[music and finger snapping]

♪ Here comes Rad ♪
♪ And he's so sad ♪
♪ Dazzle thinks he's lying ♪
♪ And that Rad is crying ♪
♪ But wait, but wait! ♪
♪ Who could that be? ♪
♪ Could it be a girl named Talc? ♪

[all gasp]

What the...?

Nebula: She shines like a sapphire.

Talc. What a pretty name.

Hello, everyone! Hello, darling!

Hello my dear, dear, Talc.

That's right, Dazzle. She's real.

Put that in your pipe and go smoke yourself. [both laugh]

Isn't she amazing?

What's that on your ear, Rad?

Uh, that is a bite of passion, from our incessant, animalistic lovemaking.

Speaking of which, what do you say we go explore the evidence room?

If you know what I mean... Sex.

[banging on door]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah!

Ah, aah...

Oh, Rad. Don't stop!

They're buying it. What a bunch of g*dd*mn morons!

Did you see Dazzle? He was so jealous! Unh!

Don't ever stop!

Oh, I don't intend to!

You better not blow this, okay?

What's the matter, Rad?

Afraid they'll find out I'm your sister?

Shh! Not so loud!

Shut your butt, Rad.

I'm a con artist. This is what I do!

I'm carrying your d*ad weight out there!

Yeah, right! I'm lying circles around you!

Uh, how am I doing, sex-wise?


Rad: Well, here comes plus number three!

Look, let's just wrap this up quick and get you back to Canada.

[laughs] No way!

This town is easy pickings and I've got big plans.

Follow my lead, dumbass.

Talc: Oh, my God!

Rad: No, no, no!

Guess what, everyone! Rad asked me to marry him!

[all gasp] Really?



And the entire Moonbeam police force is invited!

[gasps] When, where? Details, please please please share.


I want to do it right here in Moonbeam City! All we need is a venue.

I insist that you bask in the luxurious splendor of the Thermospherion.

The mob casino?

Oh! What a dream!

I'll even plan it for you!

With all the deluxiest Deluxiardo frills.

Oh, we don't need the deluxiest.

Oh, I'm the happiest girl in the world!


Yes, this is certainly cause for twirling!

This all unfolded rather quickly.

At least you're jealous, right, Dazzle?

I was, right up until your engagement. [chuckles]

Marriage, ouch. Enjoy your matrimonial tomb.

[grunts] Uh, thank you.

Rad: A wedding?!

This was supposed to be a web of lies!

You're turning it into a maze of deception!

Think about it, Rad.

You can invite all your idiot co-workers and bleed them for cash and toaster ovens.

But that casino's run by the mafia!

Don't worry, crybaby.

We got a plan.


Well, well, if it isn't the happy g*dd*mn couple.

Hello, Rad!

Mom? Dad?

[techno music]

Glam: Nice digs, Rad!

You still lay around spilling your troubles to a rat like when you were a little human turd?

Put him down! You guys shouldn't be here!

Too late. When your sister told us about the wedding scam, we just had to grab a piece of that scam pie.

Yeah, a big, sloppy slice of scam pie!

There is no scam pie!

I just wanted this jerk, Dazzle, to think I had a girlfriend.

Well, that's your problem, Rad. You got no end game.

You got to quit lying and start grifting.

And yes, it's a golden grift-portunity, eh?

It's not a grift-portunity! It's my life, and you're gonna ruin it!

We saved your life, Rad! You were just a helpless baby with a malformed foot, left in a dumpster!

Yeah, then we gave you a new life, and a very cool haircut.

And now all we ask is that you marry your sister, and you want to kick us to the curb?

Gee, Mom, maybe you need to remind him who's best.

Aah! Woody, the spank spoon!

Glam as Woody: I missed you, Rad. How about a kiss on the cheeks?


Okay, okay... I'll do the wedding!

Just stay away from my cheeks!

That's the spirit, fartbrain.

[laughs] Just like old times.

[techno music]

Rad: Oh, no, they're all here!

Who, your cop friends? They look like easy marks to me.

Trust me, Dad, they all got turds for brains.

I bet, if they're friends with this bag of crap, eh?


[clears throat] Ah.

If it isn't Moonbeam's finest.

I'm Quench, and, uh, this is my wife, Glam.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Glam Cunningham. Her womb should get a blue ribbon.

It grew the world's biggest douche.

How nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham.

You've raised a great... a, um, a pretty good... you know, you've raised a son.

Ugh, freaking cops. This is a mob casino, not a cop casino!

Can in, Neongelo. As long as we're getting rich and Dazzle's jumping my bones good, the cops and the mob are in a ceasefire, understood?


Damn it, now I'm all agitated.

Stress goes straight to my vag*na.

Hey, Dazz, wanna go bang under the buffet tables?


Bang my vag*na!

Yeah, I'll bang. Bang where?

Under the buffet tables.

I'm sorry, I can't hear where you want me to [bleep] you.
Now here, we'll have one of our famous marinara fountains where guests can dip their ravelinos and farfalatonis and digalagodsovs. It comes in several sizes.

Oh geez, I guess the biggest one, then.

The one with the mozzarella gargoyles, please.

You know, I've always dreamed of riding into my wedding on a beautiful, white unicorn.

Unfortunately at this time, unicorns do not exist.

But we can drill a hole into a bleached donkey's head.

What do I get to ride in on?

You got to walk behind and pick up the unicorn's flops.

Let's just give our perfect new daughter, Talc, the most expensive wedding the Deluxardios can muster.

Or the least.

Oh, silly Rad.

The Cunninghams are taking care of everything.

Should we leave a deposit now?

Oh, no, we can settle up after the wedding.

After all, who would skip town owing money to the Deluxiardo crime family?

You'd have to be stupid, or nuts.

Or both.



[upbeat lounge music]

Remember, folks, the harder you clap, the higher they flap.

Isn't it wonderful, folks?

I love those doves as much as I hate the cops!

I'm telling you, Dazzle.

Something's not right here. Look at Rad.

Chrysalis: That is not the way normal people smile.

Oh, Chrysalis, just relax and have fun.

This place has all you can drink shrimp cocktails.


Mm, you can really taste the shrimp.

Uh, attention, everyone.

My wife and I are so thrilled y'all could be here tonight.

We don't get excitement like this back in Canada, unless somebody hits a moose with a Zamboni.

You know, our little Radward, he's faced a lot of adversity.

From his malformed foot with just that one huge toe, to his teenage struggles with constant surprise ejaculation...

Dad! Aah!

Oh, but now, you know, he's all grown up.

We're so proud he has a great life here in Moonbeam City with so many wonderful friends.

[cheers and applause]

Aw, that's so sweet.

God damn mouth breathers.

It's almost too easy. Heh.

This will be a breeze.

Only one I'm worried about is the ginger.

She thinks she's so smart with those glasses.

Let's wrap her in bed sheets and sell her to that guy in Moonsas City who likes fresh redheads.

Rad, go steal us some chloroform!

No, Mom, I'm not chloroforming anyone.

Don't make a stink, Rad!

Remember, you're supposed to be happy and in love.

Now give your sister some God damn tongue.

Uh, I got to use the bathroom!



Rad? Are you okay?

Yes, it's just, uh... thinking about this movie I saw once.


Yeah, about a guy who wanted to make this idiot jealous then his Canadian parents showed up and made him kiss someone he didn't want to kiss.

Now he's afraid they're gonna hurt everybody.

How does this movie end, Rad?

I don't know.

But maybe a sympathetic friend with glasses helped the very handsome protagonist stand up to his parents and their spanking spoon.

I think I can make that ending happen, Rad.

And then, at the very, very end, the guy and the glasses friend made out a little.

With tongue.

That is definitely not how this movie ended!

Aww, are you sure? Director's cut?


Ah, crap!

[sentimental techno music]


Eww, what did you eat?

Welcome, everyone, today as we celebrate the union of Rad Cunningham and Talc... uh, something.

Well, it'll be Cunningham soon enough.

You know, marriage is like this revolving restaurant.

An infinite circle, forever.

Look at those smug cops. Having a wedding in tacky ass Rotations.

What, are they too good for a nice mom and pop place like Revolvo's?

Look, I don't like those cops either, but until this cease f*re is over, all we can do is glare. So everybody, let's glare.

[all groaning]

♪ Bride, bride, bibbity bride ♪
♪ I'm gonna wed this bride ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Bride, bride, bibbity bride ♪
♪ I'm gonna wed this bride ♪
♪ Tonight, yeah ♪

And now by the power invested in me as Moonbeam City Chief of Police, I pronounce you husband and wife.

You must kiss the bride.

[gulps] Okay. Let's make a kiss, then.


Uh... ne... mm.

Rad: Uhh.

Oh, come on, Rad. Kiss your bride.

Come on, kiss her!

None of us can leave until you kiss her.


Kiss her.

all: Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her...

What's wrong with you, man? Kiss your sister.

Stop! This wedding is a sham.

[all gasping]

Talc is Rad's sister.

[all gasping]

Ugh! [crashes]

What?! Why didn't you tell me you were my sister, Talc?!

I rescind my song.

Do not wed this bride bride bibbity bride.

Wait, the lies don't stop there.

man: They don't?

[all gasping]

Last night, Quench said Rad had just one big toe.

Well, I looked up all recorded cases of Canadian monotoe-ism, and I have found only two: actor Zinc Moranis, and this boy.

Who's that?

Chrysalis: He was the only son of the Mannings, the billionaire founders of Flamingo Computers.

Despite his freakish foot, the Mannings loved him.

He had everything he could have wanted... a play room full of toys, a miniwave tech child's yacht.

Until one day, he was kidnapped.

[all gasping]

Chrysalis: That was you, Rad.

You're Gregory Manning.

Chrysalis: These people stole you, and now they're trying to rip us all off!

I'm Gregory Manning? You lied to me?

I should have been really rich and happy all along?

Aw, cram it, you cry baby.

God damn it, you red-headed b*tch!

You ruined my daughter's wedding!

Time to catch the lead bouquet! Blam-o!


Mom! [music]

Jesus, Rad's mom just sh*t Chrysalis.

Talc, keep those cops on the ground.

Your pop and I are gonna grab the gifts.

Quench, stuff the cash in the toaster!



Chrysalis, are you okay?

Yep... yeah, she only got my shoulder.

Now go... go stop your parents.


Oh, no, she's got a g*n!

You're police officers. You all have g*n!



That's it. Time to wake the snake.

[heroic techno music]

Ow, you whipped my eye out, you b*tch.


[glass breaking]

The cops broke the cease f*re.

God damn it. I knew this would happen!


[glass breaking]

They're revolving away.

Should we keep sh**ting?

No, we got to wait for it to go around again.

[clock ticking]

Okay, here they come... let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!


[techno music]

[clock ticking]


[clock ticking]


Oh, this is driving me crazy. Let's just go over there!




Whoa. If it isn't the cop who k*lled my Dad and [bleep] my sister.



[car horn honks]


I'm gonna sh**t your little pig fingers off one by one.

[g*n] Losing... my... grisp.

Dazzle, play along with me.

Boogie Woogie. Eight to the bar.

One, two, three, four!

[upbeat piano music]



[g*n and piano music]

The boogie woogie make his fingers move too fast.

[g*n and piano music]

Oh! Ha!

Whoo! Yeah!

Hey, Neongelo.


Eat snake belt.


Ow! You sh*t me in the shoulder!

All right. Let's get back to the Yukon, lay low in the hideout, your...


You lied to me. You said I was from a dumpster.

And you sh*t my friend. And my foot is weird!


Ah, cut the crap, Rad.

Just start acting like a Cunningham.

I am not a Cunningham! From now on, I'm Rad Manning!

So you're keeping the first name?

Yeah, well, I'm so used to it, and it's on the suit already.

It's hard to alter these thing.

What, you too p*ssy to change the whole thing?

You shut up!

I am Officer Rad Manning, and you're under arrest!


Bang! Pop! Whoo! Yeah!

[g*n and piano music]

Ow! sh*t in the shoulder!

[low note]

Uh... Aah!






Right in the shoulder.

[techno music]

[doves cooing]

The doves saved Dazzle.

Of course they did.

Doves are always there to help a dreamer.

Dazzle's back. I sh**t him in the shoulder.


Ow! My shoulder!

[fountain crumbling, falling]

So long, you butt asses! [laughs]

[loud crash]

Aah! My eyes!

Quench: They're full of sauce and glass!

Mom, Dad, Talc, you have the right to remain silent.

Hey, Woody, go spank yourself.


Thank you, Governor Vangelis.

[cheers and applause]

[cameras clicking]

Damn it. I can't believe we all got sh*t in the shoulders.

Are you kidding?

This is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me!

You know something, Rad? I used to think that you were a pathetic, conniving loser.

But now that I've witnessed the nightmarish way in which you were raised, I know why you're a pathetic, conniving loser.

You're like an ugly tree that looks less ugly when you realize it grew from [bleep].

Like weird, discolored duck [bleep].

Thank you.

You're all my best friends.

We'll get you, Rad Manning.

Hey, Talc, go steal us some tattoo needles, you useless idiot.

Dazzle voice-over: And so, with only minimal shoulder damage, Moonbeam City's finest heroes lived to fight another day.

Emboldened to face the challenges that lie beyond each new dawn.

Also, I might have gotten that mob lady pregnant. Not sure.

I've been avoiding her calls. So, we'll see.

[techno music]

[g*n f*ring]




Hey, Dazz!


Bang me.


My vaginer. Bang it.

Dazzle: Where will we bang?

Under the farfalatonis.

You want it where?

The tray of farfalatonis.

Dazzle: What?
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