02x02 - Season 2, Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Oh, er, that boiled ham has reached it's sell-by date tomorrow.

( Click )

Hey, did you hear that click?

That's me switching to boiled ham selling mode.

Watch and learn.

Watch and learn.

Oh, good day to you, Mrs Boiled Ham.

Oh, sorry. Kath.

You called me boiled ham.

Yes, I did, didn't I?

Yes. Of course, there's absolutely no resemblance.

It's just it's on me brain.

Been thinking about it all day.

I'm looking forward to having that last slice of delicious...

Last slice?

Mm.

Oh.

That's a pity.

Eric likes his boiled ham.

Oh, right, keeps him docile, does it?

Are you sure it's the last slice?

Oh, yes, unfortunately.

I'm looking forward to having it with a nice little bit of pickle.

Tough.

( He yawns )

All right.

( Till rings )

Now, that one doesn't go in there.

Ha-ha!

( Door opens and closes )

You bought too much boiled ham.

That's not the problem.

The problem is we haven't sold enough.

It's like that other daft thing you bought on the internet.

Oh, it wasn't daft, not at the price.

Dr Proctor's Perfect Posture.

Support where you need it, inflatable underwear.

Yes, I've got plans for that.

You're not getting me in it.

It's trying to stop you getting out of your underwear that's the problem at your age.

( Doorbell rings )

( He burps )

What have you got for...?

Boiled ham.

An upset stomach.

Boiled ham.

It's been known for generations as a cure for upset stomachs.

The Aztecs used to swear by it.

I thought they did human sacrifice.

Oh, yes, that was because they ran out of boiled ham.

What would you like, half a pound or three quarters?

I'll take half a pound.

Oh, half a pound. Oh.

You don't like your dog any more, then?

All right, three quarters.

Three quarters. Yes.

Why are you standing like that?

Like what?

Well, like that. You know, like that.

Posture.

Where's your posture, eh?

You're never going to get anywhere with Madge with posture like that.

I always stand like this.

Get ready for changes, Gastric.

How would you like to look two inches taller and be deadly to women?

I can live with that.

I told you.

Go. Go out there and release your inner beast.

What do we need from the shop?

Oh, I thought I'd just say good morning, blush a bit, prod one of his teacakes.

It's called being human.

I can't stand the sight of you making eyes at each other.

You're going to grow old and bitter.

You'll frighten cuddly toys.

Rawr!

Right, there we go Mr, er...?

Newbold.

Newbold. There's your boiled ham.

But I usually have corned beef.

Oh, we are creatures of habit, aren't we, eh?

I tell you what. Why don't I cut you three or four slices of corned beef as well, hm?

Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't get through both.

I live alone, you know?

You're never alone with boiled ham.

No Mr, er...

Newbold. Newbold, yes.

Do you know that research has shown that regular eaters of boiled ham are 7.5% more likely to find a suitable relationship?

( Doorbell rings )

There. Thank you. Oh!

Who can this be, in a collar and tie and nicely polished shoes?

Oh, Mrs Featherstone.

This is Mr, er...

Newbold. Newbold and he comes from Crawford Street.

Oh! Well, we're practically neighbours, Mr Newbold.

I know it's none of my business, but would there be a Mrs Newbold at that address?

Not for many a year. I'm on my own.

Oh, courage, Mr Newbold.

Relief could be just around the corner.

In Denton Street, actually.

Oh, see him scurrying off.

I know the type.

He's mine if I turn the pressure up.

You should snatch me while I'm still available, Granville.

Ow!

This place could do with a woman's touch.

Imagine this vision...

Delphine Featherstone is magnificent in nightwear.

What are you seeing, Granville?

Boiled ham.

Oh.

50%?

Shh. Keep your voice down.

Arkwright, he'll be listening.

I was up all night arguing with him.

How can you argue with the departed?

At 50% off, he comes back quite readily.

You'll never go through with it.

You'll come out in spots or something.

Half price is against your nature.

Look, we've got to get rid of some of this old clutter to make room for some new clutter.

Er, stock. I meant stock.

There he is again, look.

He was there yesterday.

What have you been doing?

Why me?

Because he could be an angry father.

Have you been fooling about with his daughter? No.

Anyway, looks more like a grandfather.

Oi!

( Car horn beeps )

It's you, isn't it?

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

I've been looking all over for you.

Move along, please.

You remember me.

Michael.

No.

You squeezed my boil.

Move along, please, and go and be insane somewhere else.

That's it. That's just how you were.

Tough as old boots, straight in, no nonsense.

I love it.

Move it.

Ha-ha! That's my girl.

Not changed a bit. I love it!

I'll be back.

Oh, goodie.

( He whistles )

( Bell rings )

Oh.

Can you quieten that bell?

Come in, Cyril, it won't bite you.

You're not going to die are you?

I don't allow dying on the premises, you know?

I can't make any promises...

Oh? ..unless you've got a cure.

What have you got for the world's worst headache?

World's worst headache?

Boiled ham.

I don't want to eat.

I may never eat again.

Oh, it's not for eating.

It's for wearing.

Run that past me again.

Did you say "wearing"?

Yes, wearing.

Boiled ham?

You didn't think that boiled ham was just for eating, did you?

I've never heard of it as a cure for headaches.

Oh, yes, yes. It's a well-known fact.

How come I've never heard of it?

Well, you probably were too engrossed in world affairs and serious philosophical matters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be it, yeah, yeah.

World matters.

Stand there, Mr Newbold, out of the draught.

This is Leroy, who assists here when he's not in the hands of various moppets training to be single parents.

Good day, Mrs Featherstone.

And this is Mr Newbold, who we've decided needs to take more exercise.

Is that not so, Mr Newbold?

Bring the colour back into those cheeks.

And good day to you, Mr Newbold.

You might mention to Granville that I was passing, Leroy, in the company of Mr Newbold.

I was going to watch the cricket.

Ooh, I had a husband did that.

He's been dead these many innings.

Not good odds, Mr Newbold.

First of all, you put a slice of boiled ham, right?

One slice. Two if the pain is severe.

It is, it is. It is severe and I'm from a warrior race. Yes.

And then you fold it in a piece of, er, grease-proof paper, like thus.

And then you place it inside your hat.

Boiled ham in your hat?

Wait a minute.

I may be inches away from death, but I'm not falling for that.

Let me refresh your vision, here.

Now, you've seen the television, haven't you, all about them distant lands, great mountain ranges?

Done that, seen it.

Right, OK.

Remote South America...

I know where you're coming from.

Mm. The high Andes, all those colourful natives, all wearing hats very similar to yours.

Even the ladies.

I seen it on the telly, but what point are we making here?

Did you ever stop to think why so many hats?

Why do people who live in mountains wear hats?

You've probably got a branch out there selling hats.

It is the altitude.

It's the thinness of the air.

Oxygen deprivation.

It gives them all these nasty headaches unless...

You're telling me that all the natives are wearing boiled ham in their hats?

Even the vegetarians.

Go in peace, my son, free of pain.

£3.50.

Nice bit of boiled ham, was that.

It was the last slice.

Before I go back to work, do you realise we might just have time to recapture the magic of our honeymoon?

Magic?

You got sunburn.

You ended up looking like a big hot raspberry ripple.

And it's been cool ever since.

You're wasting our best years.

I shan't always be virile and magnetic.

Eric, you work behind a desk.

You're hardly Captain Midnight.

Sometimes I'd like to come home and find you all made up and... seductive.

You're in insurance. Where do you come up with fantasies like that?

Will you stop taking stuff off that table?

You're supposed to be selling it.

I can't let these go, you know, not at that price.

I told you you'd come out in spots and I bet you they're all over your back pocket, where you keep that wodge of money.

Hey! Shh!

That's classified information, that.

Anyway, what is the point of having a jumbo, "everything must go" sale if nobody has heard about it, right?

So, I want you to take to the streets, my son, and wake them all up.

I hate going out in this thing.

It's embarrassing.

It's not compatible with my image.

Oh, really?

This is an iconic vehicle.

You will be taking Arkwright's to a wider world.

You will be penetrating areas where no Arkwright has been before.

Though I sometimes wonder whether it was true about him and Mrs Battersby.

Mm?

He reduced her eggs.

( Bell rings )

All right, you stay there. I'll go.

Hello, Granville.

Hello, Mavis.

I love the way you say "hello".

It just gently strokes the ear.

Oh, I've forgotten what I've come for now.

Boiled ham.

No, no. Sorry, sorry.

I didn't mean that.

You get a free pass, don't you?

I don't think it was boiled ham.

No, no. No, you didn't.

It was just me.

I just... A slip of the overzealous tongue.

I don't think it was tongue, either.

What are you doing for St Darren's Day?

When would that be?

Well, it's today, funnily enough.

It's the day when ladies wear a flower in their hair and they place it in a vase in the best bedroom of their loved ones.

I bet you've not even got a vase.

Now, you used to be a medical person.

Now tell me, what do you think of his posture?

I'd say it's, erm, relaxed, borderline sloppy.

Relaxed. That's very me.

You go with what you're comfy with.

All right, all right.

Let's forget the medical viewpoint.

Now, what do you think of him as like, you know, man to woman, potential lover?

I'm not here to be a fantasy figure for the ladies.

I wouldn't worry.

Some of us can handle the impact.

You could double your impact if you got your posture right.

Double?

Yeah, treble, if you wore the right support.

Oh, er, Nurse Gladys, your cheese.

Are you sure you didn't mention boiled ham?

You're the only one who keeps mentioning boiled ham.

( Doorbell rings )

Right, stand there, Mr Newbold, and find your list for Granville.

Mr Newbold is living just round the corner from me, in a female-free zone.

Imagine, a widower in suit and tie, all alone with his microwave and his basic laundry.

Brings a tear, don't it?

Mm, it did to me.

Apparently, his daughter is some sort of groupie for the Hebden Colliery Band.

He only sees her if someone needs a new trumpet.

Well, he's worth a few bob, then, is he?

Oh, yes, in the building society, aside from his ISAs.

Oh.

In future, I think we'll keep it in here.

Now, perhaps you left it on the table when I said, "Have you got your list? Don't leave it on the table."

It's here. Ah.

That's a relief.

I thought she were going to execute you on the spot.

Me, too.

Oh.

Oh, you appear to have a stain on your tie, Mr Newbold.

Are we being too casual with our custard?

More likely porridge.

Oh, that sounds healthier.

He wears a tie at breakfast.

Are we being gentrified, Granville?

Is this the beginning?

Well, I wear a tie for breakfast.

Oh, you must allow me to witness that.

Yes, well, it doesn't get stained with porridge, but you'd be surprised how a shopkeeper gets splashed during the course of a day.

But what about the night, Granville?

Well, if you want a good splash, you've got my number.

Yes, I've got your number, Mrs Featherstone.

Everything must go!

( Dogs bark and whine )

The Arkwright jumble sale!

Oi! Come back!

Sorry!

Right, move it, Cindy. Come on, give it some clog.

Oh.

I'm sorry, but who is this?

I've no idea.

Oh, you can't have forgotten.

It's Mike. Mick!

Mr Stillworth.

I asked you to marry me.

I remember you now. You were drunk.

Oh, you don't think I'm having a boil squeezed without an anaesthetic.

Goodbye, Mr Stillworth.

Call me Mick. I'm sober now.

Ha!

What can I get her?

What does she like?

Boiled ham?

Everything must go?

It's nearly gone.

I wish I could say the same for your Madge.

She's better for knowing.

Or maybe not.

Do you think you'll ever get on, you two?

We'll just have to convince her of the benefits of Gastric.

You'll have to remind me.

What are the benefits of Gastric?

Mind you, they do say that he's handy round the house.

Not much use if he never gets in the house.

I know the feeling.

I never get inside your house.

She does go out sometimes, when she's doing hair.

You could come for a coffee.

Oh, unless you'd rather have tea?

No, no, tea or coffee, I don't mind, no.

Well, now I shan't know which to offer you.

All right, coffee.

She could style his hair.

That's a start.

Has he got any hair?

There's always a snag.

How will I know when she's gone out?

You'll just have to hope for a sign, like St Darren's Day, when ladies wear a flower in their hair.

Oh.

Sorry.

Don't... Don't be.

Ooh, right. I can't stay here all day.

I'll fetch sandwiches.

I'm supposed to be out advertising.

We can do that later.

I don't like you being unfaithful.

Leroy, I've never been unfaithful to you.

Not to me, to your boyfriend.

Oh, him.

Oh. Ooh!

This underwear feels funny.

Yes, well, it's, er, not yet adjusted to your shape, is it?

Well, when I get the perfect posture... Mm?

...what am I supposed to do with it?

Well, you're going to go out there and parade it in front of Madge, just to prove that you're not always looking like something that's been put out for recycling.

You find a style that suits you and you stay with that.

And you're going to have to get a haircut.

Are you sure? Yes.

You've got to let Madge play with it, you see, so that you can reel her in with some... snappy conversation.

( Doorbell rings )

Ay up. It works.

Ah, Cyril. Come in. Your hat's in, why don't you follow it?

I'm not shopping.

I thought I'd pop in and say it works.

No more headaches?

Gone. I feel like a two-year-old.

Ha, the Aztec cure.

I can't believe it.

I mean, boiled ham in your hat.

In your hat?

I recommend it. It works.

And no side effects?

I wouldn't say no side effects.

I once treated his boil.

Mm. Just goes to show, you daren't handle them casually, even for medicinal purposes.

A boil?

Bit slim as grounds for a relationship.

Tell me about it.

He builds all this on a boil.

It's a good job I never handled his broken leg.

Oh, you have to feel sorry for him if he had a broken leg.

Oh, he didn't have a broken leg.

Nurse was speaking hypothetically.

Oh, that was my first thought, but then I decided, no, she can't be.

Well, I suppose you could take the view that a boil being interested in you is better than nothing.

Boil, something red and angry, that's a pain.

I think I married one.

Oh, she doesn't mean that.

I do on Mondays.

Why Mondays?

Well, I've usually ruined his weekend by then and he's in a foul mood.

They can be tricky at weekends.

The answer is long walks.

Oh, I don't see you as a hiker.

Not me, them.

If you pick the right route, they come home shattered and very little trouble.

How can they expect you to remember a boil?

I wish I had a penny for every boil.

I was sure somebody said he had a broken leg.

I know they no longer promise to obey, but where does it say they have to be in charge?

Right, stand straight.

I'm standing straight.

It's this underwear that's slouching.

Ha-ha. Not for long.

Right.

To be honest, I'm a p*ssy.

Sometimes I think I ought to be more... assertive.

So, why don't you?

Because the last time I tried it, it was a fortnight before I could sit comfortably.

What's he got up there that needs inflating?

I were wondering that.

Just squeeze your nose if your ears start to pop.

Oh, it's moving.

I can't be doing with wandering underwear.

This was Errol Flynn's secret, you know?

He never went anywhere without first inflating his underwear.

Ah!

Oh!

Can you be strangled below the waist?

Not round here.

There!

Ah!

The perfect posture.

Right, now go out there and impose yourself upon Madge.

( Rubber creaks )

Go on. Go get her, tiger.

Go on, off you go.

( Rubber creaks )

I think you've put too much wind up him.

If his underwear explodes now, those ladies are not going to know where to look.

( Rubber creaks )

How you doing, Madge?

How you been keeping?

Thought I'd just pop over and say hello, as you do.

( Whistling as air escapes )

( Underwear deflates )

I saw you talking. I thought I'd just say, "Hi." Ha-ha.

( Underwear deflates )

You'll have to excuse me.

I think my underwear's going down.

( Air escapes loudly )

Come on. Hurry up.

Get these off!

Why did you do that, you fool?

'I'm sure there was more air coming out of Gastric than I put in.

'Oh, well, at least we shifted some boiled ham.'

Have you seen a dog with a hat?

He went that way.

Is that you wearing a flower, Mavis?

Happy St Darren's Day, Granville.

Coffee time. Ho-ho.

Keep cool, Granville.