02x04 - In Which Todd Accidentally Learns a Secret and Brent and Doug Get Closer to Further from the Truth

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret"...

Brent Wilts: Brent, I am not weak-- I am a strong, confident assh*le.

Hudson: To a delicious meal.

Alice Bell: Oh, my god! Hudson, I just got off the phone from "the Molecule."

You're hired.

Really?

I think this salad might be off.

Doug Whitney: We have a few questions for mr. Mountford.

[ laughing ]

Dave: Idiots!

Do you know what would be fun tomorrow?

If we followed them around for a bit.

Todd Margaret: I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

S02E04 - "In Which Todd Accidentally Learns a Secret and Brent and Doug Get Closer to Further From the Truth"
Original Air Date on January 27, 2012

Another? "Wipe the beans off your j"-- Yeah, yeah.

Huh?

I didn't know Brent was jewish.

Oh!

[ door slamming ]

Pam: Hey, mommy's home!

What the f-- has happened here?

What the--

Baby formula? What the hell is that?

Now, this is the last Mountford on our list.

I gotta say, I'm feeling kind of excited, but mixed with a little bit of vulnerability.

Mountford, you in there?

Dorothy Mountford: Coming, dear.

Hey, you wrinkled bitch, where's Mountford?

There's only me lives here.

I'm Mountford--

Dorothy Mountford.

So, we finally meet.

Brent, I'm fairly certain The D. Mountford we're looking for is a man.

Well, well, well, looks like we got some f*ckin' Mrs. Doubtfire sh*t goin' on here, is that it?

'Cause guess what, dude?

I've been fooled by better looking cocks in frocks than you!

You didn't even bother to shave off your 'stache.

I'm not a man, deary.

Oh, aren't ya?

Well, what's gonna happen when I reach down here? a grave misunderstanding.

My... partner will apologize on my behalf.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I am.

Allow us to give you this free complimentary phone charger, ma'am.

[ knock at door ]

Pam.

Alice?

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

I didn't do anything.

Wh-what didn't I do?

Where have you been? What've you been doing?

Noth-- I-- nothing.

Todd!

Okay, uh, I drove an English truck up to Leeds, where I bought Butterscotch, and Dave had me join a rugby game, but I didn't know the rules, so, they b*at me up, and then I ended up spending three days in a coma, in the hospital, and then, when I woke up, I ran over an important liberal with my wheelchair, and then I walked home.

The end.

Well, then, how did you find time to get me a job at "the Molecule?"

What?

Who?

Where?

When?

How?

No, not "how"-- not "how."

Todd, I know it was you!

I mean, at-at first, I thought it was Hudson, and then I saw the crates of Thunder Muscle and I thought, "that's odd."

But, you know, whatever.

And then, later, I remember that the chef said the man who recommended me for the job wasn't her type.

She was talking about you, of course!

I thought it was a black and white thing, but it turns out, it was just a gorgeousness thing.

I-I-- she, you know, might have--

Look, it's the package, really.

It's the wh-- not the package, but the-the overall sense of--

You know, which you have a lot of, in-in a unique way.

You know, I mean, you're very unique.

You, um, and, um--

It's a compliment, okay?

Todd, why didn't you tell me?

I thought if you knew that I had something to do with it, then maybe, uh--

But they treated you okay, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

They-they treated me like I was special.

And you're okay with that?

Yeah, of course.

Okay, well, good, good.

I mean, the Thunder Muscle story would only go so far.

So, I-I knew I had to juice it up a little but.

But, hey, wait a second. You're not--

When you say "special," you don't mean Ret*rded. You mean special, like a princess?

Which is...

How you should be treated.

Chuck Margaret: Hey, look, kids, your mommy's back!

Children: Oh!

Hey!

Why you got my kids done up like a bunch of fairies, you perverted gnome?

I got 'em cleaned up.

Look, I got nicorette patches on little Malibu there.

Whoa, nanny McPhee!

Thanks for that, but you've done your bit and mommy's back now. You can piss off.

What's the point of having a telly, if you ain't gonna watch it?

I know I'm not Hudson, but I'm me, and, you know--

That's a good thing.

As such, because you are, Uh...

Well, cupid, you've worked your magic again.

Okay, I'll take it.

There you go, old man.

You can take those, as well. They're quite sh*t.

My work here is done.

Anyway, you can understand why I did what I did.

Yeah, and, I mean, I'm a-I'm a bit confused now, because I-I think, you know, maybe I was wrong about you.

Maybe you were.

Breaking news.

In Hertfordshire, renowned restaurant, la Molecule, has been quarantined by the national environmental agency, due to the suspected release of megathrax, the most lethal of all--

Oh, no, my job!

Uh-oh!

What do you mean, "uh-oh?"

I mean, uh-oh. The-the-the TV fell over, by accident.

What did you do?

I've done nothing.

What did you do?

Okay, now I'm rememb--

Okay, this probably, maybe, has something to do with this, uh-uh, vial I took from the hospital lab, uh, that was over by the--

Your dressing, which was absolutely so delicious.

What are you doing?

Are you mental?

I-I said, "possibly."

Everything you touch turns to sh*t!

You're-you're a pariah!

Was just... trying to do the right thing.

You know, your-your parents really won the lottery when they picked you!

All right, enough, enough.

What do you mean, "picked me?" That doesn't even make any sense.

The adoption, Todd.

Chuck deserves some sort of reward for not giving you back!

What are you talking about? I wasn't adopted.

You can't stop lying for one minute!

I'm not lying!

I wasn't adopted!

You're pathetic. What-- Chuck's just a liar now, is he?

My dad told you I was adopted?

Ye--

Yeah.

Okay, this... this is crazy talk.

What are you--

I wasn't adopt--

What did-- what did he say? What did he say?

Um...

Uh, I-I don't know.

I-- nothing!

Just-- god, just ask him!

Alice, I swear to you, I wasn't adopted!

I think.

Dad, dad, get out here, right now!

What are you yelling about?

I wanna speak to my dad.

He's left, hasn't he?

Where to?

I don't know.

Your dad's a weird one, though, isn't he?

He likes taking little kids and making 'em like they're his own.

...Nation...

Manhunt now on for Margaret.

Todd: Mom, it's Todd.

Um, can you call me when you get up, please?

Also, was I adopted?

Bye.

Who am I?

Who are you?

Daddy?

[ siren blaring ]

Doug: It seems we have exhausted our list of Mountford's.

Dorothy was our last one.

Brent: Who is this guy?

He's a cipher!

Uh, he could be anywhere.

[ cell phone ringing ]

It's him. It's Mountford!

Pick it up.

What?

Don't be such a "p" word.

Yes, hello, Mr. Mountford, sir.

Dave: Wilts, [ indistinct ].

I will have your money for you in four days, sir.

Call Dave and have him trace this call.

I'm sorry-- what's that, sir?

Four days?

I need it in three, or should I just pick it up at your funeral?

If you don't give me my money within three days, you yankee doodle f*ck-bucket, I'm gonna rip your balls off, then I'm gonna rip your cock off and I'm gonna play snooker.

And Wilts, before you get a big head, it's a tiny snooker table.

Of course it is, sir. Thank you.

Wait-- hang on a minute.

Hello, Todd's assistant, Dave, here.

Hi, Dave, Doug Whitney here.

Hi, mr. Whitney. What can I do for ya?

Um, you were speaking earlier about tracing phone calls.

Oh, yeah, I'm standing in front of my mobile trace tracker 3000, now.

Oh, give me one second.

Wilts, you mincing skid mark, are you still there?

Yes, sir.

Um, keep him talking.

Sir, uh, mr. Mountford, How's the family?

Good, yeah?

Uh, Dave?

Yeah?

C-can you trace this call right here?

Uh, yeah, sure. Are you within 20 meters of it?

I am within 20 meters.

And is there someone around that you can hug and boost the signal?

Yeah, yeah.

What are you doing?

It's for the signal.

It's hugging--

No, don't!

Wilts!

Yes, sir?

No, I-I was just inquiring about the-the precious little ones.

What are you prattling on about, you twat?

You leave my kids out of this!

Mr. Whitney?

Yes?

I'm gonna put the coordinates into the [ indistinct ] and the results should be with you shortly.

You freaking perv!

What's it matter to you how my kids are?

I've got half a mind to send Billy the Cheese grater over there, pay you a little visit.

Yes, sir!

Mr. Whitney, you need to put it on speaker phone for it to work.

Okay, you need to put it on speaker.

Make noises like a '70s computer.

Jon Hamm: Sir?

Like a dumb robot.

[ robotic gibberish ]

I didn't say it was underwater.

I-I-I can do, like, a '90s dial-up modem.

No! I knew I should've hired Michael Winslow.

Uh...

Uh...

[ robotic gibberish ]

Fine-- that'll have to do.

Mr. Whitney, I've got it working now.

Good.

When the trace stabilizes, you'll hear Mountford's conversation.

Call Todd Margaret from this phone.

[ cell phone vibrating ]

Hello, Todd Margaret here.

Hello, mr. Margaret.

This is Yolanda, from the head office.

We are trying to authorize payment of your paycheck to you.

It's from a mr. Manford via Brent Wilts, but we cannot find a Manford in our system.

Finally, yes.

Uh, no, uh-uh, Brent Wilts is my boss.

The guy's name on the check is Mountford.

Like I said, we are ready to authorize that payment to you, but we cannot find a Manford listed.

Right-- no, it's Mountford.

Not Manford?

That's a misspelling. It's Mountford.

Malanford?

Mountford!

Mountford!

Mountford!

God, just give me the money!

Mountford works for Todd Margaret?

What the hell is going on?

Mr. Whitney, I've got the address now.

It's, uh, 13 Chipstow Passage.

Thirteen Chipstow Passage. Thanks, Dave-- great work.

Wait.

Thirteen Chipstow Passage.

It's very familiar.

It's like working with idiots.

Cheryl: Uh, diet coke, please.

Hello.

Uh, hi, hi, hi.

You look like you've been to a funeral.

Well, I did kinda lose somebody today.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

That's-that's all right.

He was a decent guy.

Never meant anybody any harm.

Good kisser.

I'm Cheryl.

Oh, hi-- sorry.

Yeah, uh, Todd-- sorry.

Uh, can I get you a drink?

Oh, no, thanks. I've just ordered a diet cola.

I shouldn't drink yet.

It's gonna be a long night.

I'm a bit of a lightweight.

Go on, then. Just be friendly.

Um, Roy, could you put, uh, rum in that? Just a tiny little one.

[ flatulence]

Uh...

Oh, uh...

Sor-sorry. That's my, uh, my ring tone.

I have a farting ring tone.

I love that!

But...

Yeah, and a smell app, as well.

Separate but equal download.

Japanese.

That is wicked!

It's a wrong number, anyway.

Uh, so, Cheryl, what do you do?

It's my best mate's wedding this weekend.

And, um, so, we're having a bit of a hen night.

Uh, me and Leslie, my best mate, us and some of the girls, we're just gonna have a bit of a giggle.

We go way back, me and Leslie.

She's a great girl.

She would do anything for anyone.

Yeah, but she's a man.

Yeah.

Dirty slug.

Yeah, she thinks she is the queen bee.

Bitch!

Flaunting her tits and her little skirt.

Yeah, with her big lardy ass.

[ laughing ]

I can get a man, yeah, but a proper man.

None of that soft d*ck she's marrying.

But, she's my best friend and I-I am so happy for her. I love her to bits.

Well, she sounds wonderful.

Bitch!

Awful.

This is delta one, completing our sweep of east London. No sign of Todd Margaret. We're heading west.

Cheryl: So, I said, [ indistinct ] "You listen, and you listen good, 'cause you do not know true class if it was standing in front of you, and-and, like, ordering french wine in a restaurant, with, like, china plates and waiters and things."

Yeah?

Yeah, and Christmas, too, Yeah.

I remember--

Todd: So, I gotta get goin'.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

Good luck on your--

No, I bought you a pint of shandy.

Oh, no-no, I'm good.

Oh, no, come on-- sit down.

All right, okay.

Sit down.

But, I gotta go after that.

Sit--

Yes, okay.

You are with me tonight.

Yeah, yeah?

Okay, all right.

But, after this, I'm done. All right?

I-I do have to go after this.

I do.

I was just talking about my--

[ indistinct mumbling ]

Leslie: Cheryl got started without us!

[ collective screaming ]

Come here!

Who's he?

Todd-- his friend just d*ed.

[ indistinct ]

All: Oh!

[ cell phone vibrating ]

Hey, this is so fun!

Uh...

[ flatulence ]

[ collective laughter ]

His ring-tone is a fart!

[ indistinct ]

Dave?

Dave: Todd, are you in a pub?

I can't hear you. You-you're breaking up.

Yeah, Dave, I'll-- all right, I'll have, uh, I'll have two more.

[ chanting "drink" ]

Bloody hell.

Jon: S-sir, thank you again, so much, for the opportunity to work with you.

It has been a tremendous honor, but I have to get back to the "Mad Men" set.

They need to start sh**ting me on Monday.

Not this sh*t again, Hamm!

I'm really sorry, sir.

I've done everything you asked.

It's just, they've already written me out of the first four episodes.

Jon, enough of your whining!

I'm so sorry, sir!

God, here come the waterworks.

Look...

I have one last script for you to do, then you're done, for good. I promise.

All right! Who's having what?

Um, sex on the beach.

Oh, that must be Nadia's.

She'll take sex anywhere she can get it!

Leslie: Including her bum!

[ collective laughter ]

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

You've gotta ask for it.

Come on, there's no drink named that.

There is-- ask for it.

Can I have ten inches of black cock up my ass?

[ collective laughter ]

This is it-- Thirteen Chipstow Passage.

Great.

Wait-- this is where Mountford was calling from?

This is Todd's place.

[ collective laughter ]

Okay, okay, I-I really do have to get going.

No, hey, [ indistinct ]!

No, no, no, I gotta go.

[ collective laughter ]

I just have some sh*t to sort out, you know?

I mean, I-I-I got so many questions about who I am.

Drink up, honey!

Takin' it like a tr*nny!

[ indistinct ]

I'm marrying that tr*nny!

Hey, hey-hey-hey!

It's the fart phone!

[ flatulence]

[ collective laughter ]

Hey, mom.

Shh-shh.

Hey-- no, no-no-no.

I'm in a-I'm in a limousine.

No, it's doesn't matter.

But, listen, I have a very important question to ask you.

Was I adopt-- no!

No cheating, right.

Okay, take this number down, okay?

And when this phone begins farting!

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Don't do that-- don't do that.

All right.

[ flatulence ]

[ collective laughter ]

Me, me, me, me, me!

No-no, that's enough.

Come on, just--

[ flatulence ]

[ collective shouting ]

Dirty, nasty bugger!

I didn't!--

Take your shitty fart phone, you w*nk*r!

My clothes!

Doug: Uh, he's gone.

Brent: He's like Jason Bourne, this guy.

It's a good thing I splurged on this "suddenly Sherlock CSI Baker Street kit," right?

We can finally find out who Todd Margaret really is.

Pentagram's gone-- it worked!

I tell ya, if there's one thing I learned from Jesus, it's that ghosts hate pentagrams.

Brent...

He's taunting us.

What-what does he want from us?

What sort of diabolical genius are we dealing with?

Todd: Todd Frances Margaret.

♪ Am I a whisper of a person ♪
♪ of a name that I don't know ♪
♪ It's time to bury ♪
♪ an old friend. ♪

Good-bye, Todd Margaret.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Get your hands up in the air!

Oh, my god! It's Todd Margaret!

You bastard! Digging up princess Di's grave.

I--

♪ ]Life is short ♪
♪ and the days are long ♪
♪ gotta get right back ♪
♪ where I don't belong ♪
♪ Life's too sweet ♪
♪ so good thing it's gone ♪
♪ I know what I need ♪
♪ without reservation ♪
♪ Can't control myself ♪
♪ Anticipation ♪
♪ Things are gonna get worse ♪

Jon: Hey, chubby, you do realize what a menu is, right?

It's a list of choices. You don't have to eat the whole thing.

Do it again, Hamm, that was crap!