02x04 - Bewitched, Bothered and Belittled

[bunniefuu]

Let's cut to the chase.

If you help me save my love, you'll be celebrated in song for 100 years, and that's a promise from Galavant, the most beloved warrior in the five kingdoms and Knight b*at Magazine's Swordsman of the Year...

Three times running.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you've already given us your résumé.

So...

What's in this deal for us?

Perhaps I have something that might help.

Jewel of Valencia!

Boom!

Where did you get that?

I smuggled it out when we escaped from the kingdom.

How? We didn't have anything with us.

I swallowed it.

It's huge. Believe me, I know.

I had to slather it with bacon grease to choke it down.

Richard, that's insane.

No, what's insane is when it came out.

Do you remember that day on the ship when I was screaming for hours?

Well, now I know what my mother was always complaining about.

Enough!

We have a deal.

I mean, rinse it off one more time...

And we have a deal.

Excellent.

Uh, can I just say, it is so nice to negotiate with men of honor.

I mean, you outnumber us 10 to 1.

You could've just as easily m*rder*d us and kept the Jewel for yourself, but, you, sir, are a class act.

Roberta, we're leaving!

Grab the horses, pup-pup!

Right! Uh...Pup-pup?

Well, no one's called me that since...

Wait a minute.

Are you Roberta Steingas?

I am!

Oh...My...God!

Bobby Steingas! Why didn't you say something?

I didn't think you'd remember me. Duck!

Not remember you? Are you crazy?

We grew up together, you big dummy!

Galavant, you're not gonna freakin' believe this!

Our new traveling companion is Bobby Steingas!

She was one of the children my parents used to hire to play with me!

Do you think maybe we could catch up later?!

Oh, sure, she was 7 and I was 13, but it just worked, you know?

Yeah, we can talk about this later.

Richard, I need you to focus.

Yes, it's good you smuggled the Jewel out in your...

Bottom. Well, mouth first.

Wait, what?

But we can't have any more mistakes.

This Jewel is now our key to getting an army.

And it's Isabella's life, her salvation.

How she must be suffering in Hortensia.

No, no, no, no, no.

Jester, it's slide, back, slide.

Please get it right, otherwise my wedding dance is gonna look so stupid.

Sorry, Princess.

I'm a prop comic, not a dancer.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Snacky time!

Yay!

Okay, everyone, let's take five.

Milady, I hope it won't sound impertinent, but I can't help noticing the big change that's come over you lately.

Oh. I guess I'm just happy.

After all, I am getting married!

Yeah, but your pupils just spun 'round then, and your tiara started to glow, which...

She said... She's happy, okay?

Right.

Let's all go back to one, shall we?

Chef, no! Don't throw it away!

Gwyndolin, bae, you know you don't have to do that anymore.

We are officially big-pimpin'.

No more living on leftovers.

We can be as wasteful as the fine folk.

I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.

Oh, what do you mean? It feels fantastic!

♪
♪ We got a snazzy, new room ♪
♪ With two whole benches ♪
♪ It's practically rodent-free ♪
♪ We've got expensive perfume ♪
♪ For all our stenches ♪
♪ As swellegant as can be ♪
♪ And with these pointy, new shoes ♪
♪ To walk through mud in ♪
♪ Fancy silk squares to cough up blood in ♪
♪ Baby, let's face it ♪
♪ This is as good as it gets ♪

I suppose it is rather nice.

♪ We've got the classier type of bedbug species ♪
♪ Between our new burlap sheets ♪
♪ We've got a custom-made pipe ♪
♪ That dumps our feces ♪
♪ On one of the nicer streets ♪
♪ And when there's something amiss inside our breeches ♪
♪ Our barber applies his fattest leeches ♪
♪ Why not embrace it? ♪
♪ This is as good as it gets ♪
♪ We're part of the upper lower class now ♪
♪ Sickly, yet, oh, so chic ♪
♪ Our glass is half full ♪
♪ We own a glass now ♪
♪ We bathe once a week ♪
♪ Well, "bathe," so to speak ♪
♪ And as our station in life keeps growing stronger ♪
♪ We're growing in more ways, too ♪
♪ I think my tapeworm is, like, a whole foot longer ♪
♪ By now I might have a few ♪
♪ And though our breath and our teeth may still be rotten ♪
♪ Together, just look how far we've gotten ♪
♪ Baby, we made it ♪
♪ Totally slayed it ♪
♪ Why would we trade it? ♪
♪ This is ♪
♪ As good as it ge-e-e-e-e-e-ts ♪

Go ahead.

I know it's driving you crazy.

♪

Galavant - S02E04
Bewitched, Bothered and Belittled

Which are better... Gold or diamonds?

Gold? Diamonds?

I'm going with gold.

They're beautiful, My Queen.

And you're sure they don't make me look poor?

No, because they're gold.

Still with the earrings?

For God's sake, just pick a pair, and just because you've been invited by a couple of old tarts to a Sunday roast does not mean that you can take my manservant for days.

Uh, I thought we agreed on "personal assistant"?

And the Von Falconburgh sisters are not tarts.

They are the most popular queens in all the seven realms.

I remember the first time I saw them.

I was just a little girl, and they passed through my village.

I'd never seen anything like them.

They could've bought or sold all of us with just one of their spectacular earrings.

And, to my amazement, they singled me out for special attention.

Little girl, do you want a ride?

Oops, sorry. Hop in!

You're so poor!

They sound awful.

Oh, they were.

And that's when I realized I wanted to be just like them.

And this invitation to their Sunday roast proves that I've finally arrived.

Hey, Gal, listen, I want to apologize again for screwing up earlier.

I was only trying to be helpful, but I promise, from now on, I'm going to do everything right.

You're sitting on the map.

Oh, sorry. From now on.

Sorry. From now now on.

Sorry.

No need to apologize.

Listen, I was thinking from here on out, maybe I'll do the hero thing...Alone.

What?

Why?

Well, because you nearly got us k*lled by those mercenaries and the mercenaries before that or any of the countless other times you've put our lives in jeopardy.

But helping you is all I have right now.

I mean, what else would I even do?

I don't know. For argument's sake, maybe you could spend some more time with Roberta.

Hmm?

I mean, you two obviously have something going on.

Me and her?

Are you serious?

No. I just said it to get out of an awkward situation, but, actually, now that I think about it, yeah, that would be a really good way to get you out of my hair.

Okay, that is officially the grossest thing I have ever heard.

Me and Bobby?!

I mean, we played together as children!

She's like a sister!

And not the kind of sister you marry.

Yeah, look, I know it's hard to see people in a different light.

Unless someone comes up with a ridiculous plan to force you together.

Apropos of nothing, why don't we all go for dinner tonight, hmm?

Somewhere candlelit.

Hmm.

So...Anywhere?

Yeah, pretty much anywhere at all.

I've brought luncheon, Your Highness.

Oh, just a moment.

I'm practicing writing my married name.

Oh.

Although, isn't it exactly the same as your current name?

Yeah.

My lady, I hate to trouble you with the problems of those so far, far beneath you.

But I can't help noticing, after several weeks of constant escape attempts, you've settled in here pretty fast.

My Gwynne is having a hard time adjusting.

Is there anything I can do to help her?

You just need to let Gwynne know how special she is.

Buy her something expensive.

Every woman wants to be treated like a princess.

Have you been sleeping in that thing?

Allow me to straighten it for you.

Mine!

A million pardons, my lady.

I'll go get you a lozenge for that throat.

[Sighs] May I present to you our guest of honor, all the way from Valencia...

Queen Madalena!

Thank you so much.

It is such a thrill to be invited to share Sunday roast with such esteemed company.

So, what are we roasting... Wild boar, stag, heretics?

Oh, no, Madalena, you've got it all wrong.

We're roasting you.

What?

Welcome, gentle lords and ladies and especially you, friars.

Thank you for letting us use your club.

Today, we roast Queen Madalena, a target so easy, it almost doesn't seem fair.

I know.

Now, we all know how she got her title...

By k*lling or beheading all her exes, which just goes to show that even when she throws them in a dungeon, she still can't keep her man!

But this isn't all about what an absolutely massive hussy Madalena is.

Yeah, she is very regal.

We always knew she would end up in a castle.

Yeah, we just thought she'd be cleaning it.

Okay, let's get real for a moment.

Mm.

Madalena, you have done so well.

You have come from nothing, and we are really, really proud of you.

Mm-hmm.

We think that you've turned yourself into the queen who has everything.

Except love, respect, friends...

And a decent pair of earrings!

Oh, yes.

See?

I see.

That was so much fun for us.

Yeah, thank you for being so easy to make fun of.

I-I loved it. I just loved it.

We should definitely do this again.

Of course.

Gwynne?

Gwyndolin?

In here!

What are you doing in there?

You have a bed to sleep in now.

Like I'm gonna sleep in the thing people use to give birth and die in... Sometimes simultaneously.

Wow. Grim.

I can't live like the fancy folk.

It just isn't me.

I'm never on edge anymore.

I haven't had a disease for weeks.

But isn't that a good thing?

Maybe for some people... For you.

But the thought that we're drifting apart has gotten me so down, I can barely get out of drawer.

So I think it's best if I just leave.

Wait.

I'll pack our things.

Done.

What? No.

Unpack right now.

You can't leave. You love it here.

Gwyndolin, don't you understand?

Sure, it's nice not going hungry, and my bones don't bend anymore, and my teeth don't wiggle in their sockets.

I could be the king of a castle.

But without you, I'd be the lowliest man in the world.

Oh, Vincenzo.

We leave the castle together.

So, as soon as we're all seated, you come and send for me.

That looks romantic, doesn't it?

Oh, Roberta! Ooh, you look smashing!

Please excuse the dress.

The blouse I usually wear under it has completely disappeared.

Wha... mine, too!

Must be fairies. Big problem around here.

Shall we sit?

Oh.

You're over there.

Okay.

Uh!

You're across from her.

All right.

Isn't this nice?

Mm.

An urgent crow for you, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Unexpected.

Oh. I've got to take this.

Uh, you carry on without me.

Here.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Thank you.

He's... He's a bit odd.

I'm sorry. This is crazy.

If you had told me a week ago that I would be sitting here with my old pal Bobby, I'd say you've got a goblin in your head.

Oh, guess what!

I can still fit my entire fist in my mouth. Do you want to see?

Oh.

Oh, Richard, honestly, do I have to do everything myself?

Lutes.

Viols.

Irritating little crumhorns.

♪
♪ Gaze at the person across from you now ♪
♪ Feel the sweet spark of connection ♪
♪ If you don't screw up this moment somehow ♪
♪ Maybe you won't die alone ♪
♪ Don't be too needy ♪
♪ Or bring up your ex ♪
♪ Don't say the words ♪
♪ "Herpes simplex" ♪
♪ Don't ever mention ♪
♪ You've never had sex ♪
♪ Trust me ♪
♪ I promise ♪
♪ She knows ♪
♪ And now her defenses are starting to fall ♪
♪ Smile and return her affection ♪
♪ If you don't manage to ruin it all ♪
♪ Maybe you won't die alone ♪

It is the damnedest thing, but...

Looking at you right now...

Yeah.

I mean, it's almost as if...

You're on fire.

I mean, I don't know that I'd say I'm on "fire," but...

No, no, you're on fire!

Oh! Oh, oh, God!

Agh! Ow!

Oh, God!

♪ Don't begin screaming ♪

Oh, oh! Oh!

♪ You'll blow the whole mood ♪

Oh, no! Ow! Ow!

♪ Maybe you won't die alone ♪

Oh, God!

Ow!

♪ Maybe you won't die alone ♪

What's all this?

I just packed up all your gear like a good sidekick.

By the way, I know what you were up to last night.

Oh, yeah. I guess it was pretty obvious.

Because I sang it out loud.

Hey, Bobby, I was right!

Galavant was trying to set us up.

Hilarious!

Creepy, right?

Disgusting!

The worst!

Yeah, all right.

But, hey, at least we got that all figured out.

We know that we are just good friends.

Right.

Mm. So, what's next?

We head to the forest.

I hear there are Giants in the Southern Reach.

Perhaps we can convince them to join us in attacking Hortensia.

So, we're right back where we started.

Yep! Nothing has changed.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Your turn.

Am I...King Arthur?

Yeah.

So, this is what you two half-wits do when I'm gone?

Just get sloshed?

Steady on, queenie.

I'm completely sober, and he's only had one.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

It was a great party... Danced all night.

You'd understand if you'd ever been anywhere nice.

♪

What's happening to me?

♪ What am I feeling? ♪
♪ Is it a feeling? ♪
♪ Could I be feeling somehow? ♪
♪ All this time, I've never truly had one ♪
♪ Why would I be starting now? ♪
♪ If it's a feeling ♪
♪ Truly a feeling ♪
♪ Why is it hurting me so? ♪
♪ Could it be my first one is a bad one? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to know? ♪
♪ Is it meant to make your insides ache? ♪
♪ Meant to make your chest go tight? ♪
♪ Meant to make you sweat and shake? ♪
♪ How could anything like that be right? ♪
♪ If I am feeling ♪
♪ Some stupid feeling ♪
♪ Why can't it just go away? ♪
♪ Why did all these feelings have to start? ♪

Galavant?

♪ Tearing at my armor-plated heart ♪

Isabella?

♪ What if, God forbid, they're here to stay? ♪
♪ How can I unfeel ♪
♪ The way I feel toda-a-a-a-a-y? ♪

What's this?

A present.

I got you the same exact earrings those queens had.

Oh, I forgot to take the ears off.

No.

I like them this way.

Thank you.

♪ What is this feeling? ♪
♪ Is it a feeling? ♪