01x11 - The Sat Pack

[bunniefuu]

So, Friday night, I'm with this smokin' hot chick.

Her boyfriend was on the elevator, too.

He was even better looking.

They're making out so hard they don't even notice what comes out of her purse.

Bam! Susan B. Anthony.

What?

Okay, what? Another coin story?

Morning, g*ng.

Whoops. Oh, thank God.

Jimmy, thank God.

Tell me about your night.

Oh! Uh...

You're gonna like this.

I'm buckling my seat belt.

Last night, I'm in the produce department at the grocery store and I'm minding my own business.

And, uh, I'm not gonna lie, I'm looking pretty good, right?

Mm-hmm.

Then I heard this girl call my name.

"Bimmy!"

Right? "Bimmy!"

Turns out to be my granddaughter Edie.

She calls me "Bimmy" now.

And you think that's crazy?

I looked down on their cart... we have the same stuff.

Like baby stuff and snacks for when she comes over, and it's like, we got to start coordinating this!

(chuckling)

Anyway...

Uh...

And then... this is the best part...

I'm, I go up to the, um, the checkout area and who's there?

Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy.

And they're like, "Hey, Bimmy, you know, why don't you, uh, you know, come down to the MTV beach house?"

Can I see the coin again?

(Jimmy groans)

When did I become so lame?

Hey, Jimmy.

What did you say to the guys in the kitchen?

They're really depressed.

A couple of them took off early.

I used to have the coolest life.

Now look at me.

I mean, I still look great... arguably, better.

I am getting more sleep...

You done complimenting yourself?

(snaps fingers) Something I got to do.

Cancel my morning.

I'm not sure who to call to cancel your three-hour nap.

See if you can push it to the afternoon.

Baby girl, are you excited to see your first movie with Mommy tonight?

Yeah, now that you're two, you can watch screens without the risk of developing long-term attention problems.

Like the ones Mommy has.

All right, tonight's feature presentation is The Little Mermaid! Mm-hmm. Oh, wait.

And if you turn down the brightness, well, you can barely see the cracks? What?

Our daughter's not watching her first movie on a phone.

All right? We're gonna use my set up: 50-inch LCD screen, 1080 P, 7.1 Dolby surround sound.

Hey, what's the cup holder sitch?

'Cause I'm not holding my own cup.

I have 13 cup holders.

I've had enough!

Look who it is, Edie. Who is that?

Bimmy!

No, no, not Bimmy.

No offense, kid. Bimmy is dead.

Bimmy!

Uh, what did I just say?

All right, everyone, do not, I repeat, do not ask me to hang out with you tonight.

Wasn't planning on it.

I used to be Jimmy Martino, man about town.

Now I'm this boring guy who hangs out in the suburbs on the weekends with his family. I'm-I'm...

Bimmy!

Watch yourself, sister.

Now, tonight I'm gonna get my groove back.

I'm putting the old g*ng back together.

That's right... the Sat Pack.

What's the Sat Pack?

Please don't ask.

Go ahead, Gerald.

You're an adult. Ask. Finish your question.

Mom, I'm sorry, I have to know. What's the Sat Pack?

(groans)

The Sat Pack are my boys, okay?

And when you get us knuckleheads together... (sputters) watch out, anything can happen.

Uh, fistfights, threesomes. We once took a trip to Mount Rushmore... I never see these guys anymore, because I'm stuck with you people.

We call ourselves the Sat Pack, and do not, I repeat, do not ask why.

Why do you call...

Gerald, you can see what he's doing, right? Don't take the bait.

It's all I want to know.

It's a long story, son, but, you see...

It's because they hang out on Saturdays... that's literally it.

Cool.

Yeah, I came up with the idea.

It's a satire on the Rat Pack.

(exhales)

Well, anyway, the point is, I'm not hanging out with you guys tonight, okay?

Tonight I'm dead to you. You got it?

That's fine, because we have plans tonight that have nothing to do with you.

Bruce found this great Chinese restaurant...

We get it... Bruce used to live in China.

Look, I go to Cabo once a year... you don't see me pushing tacos down everyone's throat.

And he is taking me out with Gerald and his girlfriend Frankie.

Oh. (chuckles)

You're going on a double date with your son?

Man, if Ronnie from the Sat Pack were here, he'd be like, "Oh, guys, that's so lame!"

Jimmy (chuckles): You know...

I'm gonna leave.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You drove all the way here just to brag about your plans tonight?

You could've called.

No, I came to pick up my, uh... my spoon.

Sat Pack!

Sat Pack!

Jimmy: Ravi, Annelise, I'm here for pleasure tonight, so the restaurant's in your hands.

Just do what I would do.

Mm-hmm.

Suck up to celebrities and hit on women? Got it.

Jimmy, Jimmy, I can absolutely hold down the fort tonight, or... hear me out...

I go out with you guys, we have such a good time you make me a member of the Sat Pack.

What was the first option?

You make a member of the Sat Pack.

Get back to work. Boys!

Hey, Mr. Mom! Hey!

What, PTA meeting run late, or were you out back pumping breast milk?

Ha-ha! (laughter)

I deserve that, I know. It's been a long time, guys, but I promise I'm gonna make it up to you tonight.

Tonight's gonna be like the old days, huh?

Where's Ronnie?

I'm right here, you son of a bitch.

(restaurant chatter stops)

Ronnie, hey! You know what?

You blow us off for months, and then you call us out of nowhere and you expect us to come running.

So I think I speak for all of us when I say... hit it.

♪ ♪

Ha-ha!

♪ Happy Saturday to you ♪

(laughing)

♪ I've been drinkin' since two ♪
♪ You're as sexy ♪
♪ As your mother... ♪
♪ So drop your pants and let's... ♪

Oh! Hug. I was gonna say hug.

Two men can't drop their pants and hug anymore?

Jimmy: I missed you, you bastard.

Salute me.

Oh, God, yeah, this is... this is good.

Ooh.

Cheers.

Cheers.

(laughs) This place is great, right?

They got the best soup dumplings outside of China.

What is it with these communal tables?

You know, I don't want to sit next to some weird strangers eavesdropping on our conversation.

They just got a labradoodle. Why do I know that?

Well, so listen, I didn't just bring you guys to Din Tai Chow because they've got the best xiaolongbao.

I also came... with some big news.

Am I gonna finally be a big brother?

(laughing): No, that's... not possible.

I was transferred from China to the U.S. about a month ago, right?

And everything has been wonderful.

The lab in Beijing doesn't agree.

They're calling me back.

Oh, my God.

You're leaving again?

It's crazy, I know, but it's totally out of my control.

And they're giving me a 30% raise.

And it's only gonna be for a few years.

So you brought us here to tell us that you're leaving?

No.

I brought you here to ask you if you're coming.

Will you move to China with me, Sara?

This is a big decision, I know, and I totally understand if you want to take your time.

No.

Uh... no, you don't want to... take your time, or-or-or no, you... do want to move to China?

I'm not moving to China, Bruce.

So, I heard you got a labradoodle.

Hey, okay, Edie, we're gonna watch The Little Mermaid,

Mommy's favorite non-Fast and Furious movie, and then we're gonna make a mermaid cake.

Yay!

Yay!

Okay.

First, let's figure out which one of Daddy's jillion remotes turns on the TV.

Huh? Oh.

I think this remote turned on that remote.

Mmm. Ah. On demand.

Well, never seen this screen before.

Here we go. "Buy now."

"Shinjumatsu Films."

"The Littlest Fishgirl and Michu Michu."

(screams) (roars)

(gasps) Hold on, hold on. Oh, don't look, don't look.

Oh, no, which remote is it?

Michu! Michu!

(Edie screams, cries)

Michu! Michu!

Ugh, Gerald!

♪ ♪

(whoops)

Jimmy: Stevie, don't be shy.

Oop.

Whoa, whoa. Aah.

(laughing)

Sat Pack!

Sat Pack!

Greatest group of morons you'll ever want to meet.

All right, everybody, this is Marco, he's a plastic surgeon.

Does all the big-time breast reductions in Hollywood.

And this of course is Stevie.

Stevie, uh produces the reality show about the r*cist family who runs a business.

And this is my best friend since I'm 20 years old, Ronnie.

Ah, Ronnie.

Ah... Jimmy.

Ronnie bought and sold the biggest solar company in California.

Don't worry, ladies, I don't really care about the environment.

(laughing)

Last but not least.

Ladies, they call me Ravi.

I'm in charge of all things kitchen.

Here's a little rap to remember my name.

(rapping): Yo, my name is Rav, I fit like a glove...

Is someone's elbow on the button, guys?

Alicia, I think, uh, you and Ronnie might hit it off.

You know, he's recently single.

Oh, really?

Yes, actually, my wife just left me for another man.

Older and richer or younger and poorer?

Older and much poorer.

All: Ooh. Well, tonight's not about past mistakes.

It's about making new ones, right?

Like getting that stain out of your shirt right there.

What?

Aah, you don't have one!

Ronnie!

(laughing)

(bantering indistinctly)

They don't make men like this anymore.

Coolest of the cool.

Jimmy: I'm coming in for the nipple.

(no audio)

(sighs) Wow, that's rough.

He really thought she was gonna move to China for him.

Talk about being on different pages.

Yeah. L-Let's never be like that, okay?

You know, l-let's make sure we're always on the same page?

Starting now.

Do we really need to worry about that right now?

I mean, we're not even exclusive.

We're not? (short laugh)

Really? You're dating other guys?

I'm sorry, not to put you on the spot.

No, no, no, I'm just trying to count how many other guys I'm dating.

Now, this is gonna seem high because I was just in Aruba.

All right, let's just back it up.

Uh, here's what I know.

I know we haven't been dating very long, but I-I really like you. And I-I think maybe we should be exclusive.

Now you go.

You're a really great guy.

And-and we've had a lot of fun.

Ooh, I like where this is going.

But we're obviously in very different places.

You want to move fast, maybe because you have a child.

Not sure we're looking for the same thing.

I think we should break up.

(short laugh) Wow.

It was good to have this conversation.

That way we could end things before either of us got hurt.

Ooh, are these shrimp?

Mmm.

(chuckling) Make yourselves at home.

(all chattering) Play Party Playlist.

(upbeat music starts playing)

Jimmy, keep this thing going. I'm gonna take a quick shower.

What?

Yeah.

Ronnie.

Bring it in.

Jimmy.

(laughs)

I freaking love you.

I freaking love you, man.

It's gonna get crazy tonight.

It's gonna get the craziest.

You gonna pull away? 'Cause I'm not.

I'm not pulling away.

All right, we both pull away on three.

Ready?

Yeah.

Both: One, two, three.

Aah! (laugh) I didn't pull away.

I didn't do it.

I didn't pull it.

Never.

Dad, thank God you're here. I need to talk to you.

Play Tender Folk Mix.

(music switches to folk)

♪ Every now and again... ♪

Hey. What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to be dead to you tonight.

Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had plans.

I drove all the way to Pasadena to tell you.

But I thought that was to borrow a spoon.

(sighs) Gerald...

I have the Sat Pack here.

Well, now you got the Sad Pack here, too. Party of me.

I get it. Clever. Eh...

Let's move on. What-what's up tonight?

Frankie and I broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.

Thanks. Hey, what's the ice cream situation here?

Ah, maybe it'll make me feel better just to tell you how I'm feeling: awful.

No, that did nothing.

God, I just want to curl up with a root beer float, depending on the ice cream situation.

Mm.

You have people here.

I'm sorry, I-I should let you go.

Okay.

It wouldn't suck to not be alone tonight.

(sighs) All right, you can stay.

But don't unload your feelings on everyone.

It's not good for you and it's not good for the party.

You need a good Sat Pack night.

This'll be good for you... to cut loose a little bit, have some fun, break some hearts, right?

Okay. You running with the pack tonight?

Fresh meat.

Go unclog the shower, pledge.

Just kidding. Happy to have you.

So then the goat looks back at me and says, "You're being baad."

(all laugh)

What's going on?

I'm just telling one of my funny stories.

(laughs) Hilarious. Can I hear it?

You want me to tell the whole story again?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's only so many times I can hump your couch.

sh*ts?

None for me, thanks.

I feel like I've already taken a sh*t. To the gut.

That's my son Gerald, everybody. That's Gerald.

He, uh, he's having sort of a rough night, but he promised he wouldn't k*ll the vibe, right?

Oh, no, what happened? Uh, he'll be fine, don't worry.

It's okay. I've been sort of "forbidden" to talk about it.

Oh... Aw.

You can tell us.

Where do I begin?

(sighs)

It's just never been a challenge for me to be vulnerable, you know?

When I was 17, I was 290 pounds.

Spoiler alert: it wasn't all muscle.

Mmm.

So... I guess we'll do the long-distance thing, you know?

We'll... meet up, like, once a year and talk on the phone sometimes.

Yeah.

You know, it's only a 15-hour time difference, right?

So, 8:00 p.m. for me is, like...

5:00 a.m. for me.

I'm in a great mood then.

So I only ate the veggie dumplings, so how are we gonna do the bill?

I just wish I could erase this awful feeling, you know?

Guess it'll just take time.

I think the problem is that I open myself up too easily.

Gerald, that's not a problem.

Everyone else is the problem.

Yeah, you know what, uh, I'm exactly like Gerald. I love to love.

I got a heart the size of a freakin' cheese wheel.

Can you move? You're sitting on my purse.

Kind of like it?

No.

Okay, excuse me.

Hey, Jimmy, you know what the best part of having your son here is?

What?

No, I'm asking you because I can't think of anything.

Don't worry. The key to unlock this night is coming through this door in three, two, one.

I can't believe you made me wait out there for ten minutes just so you could be dramatic.

I'm a showman. All right, what do you got?

I made some calls, got us into a yacht party hosted by the Winklevoss twins.

A yacht party... I like that.

I'm gonna make this up to you.

It's all good.

Boob cage can make it up to me on the boat.

You're going with us?

Who's watching my restaurant?

Ian's got it covered.

Uh, everybody?

The Sat Pack's going to a yacht party!

(excited chattering) (laughs)

(groans) These dumb remotes!

Screw it.

I'm k*lling the movie.

Let's just make the cake.

(rattling)

Edie?

All right, let's get our story straight.

I was teaching you to read when you tied me up and did this to yourself.

Okay, Mommy.

♪ ♪

See, Ronnie, it always works out for us.

Ten minutes we'll be on a yacht with a couple of blond twins.

Male twins but still.

I call the ugly Winklevoss.

(both laugh)

Yeah. Plus, once we're out at sea, none of your other family members can get to us.

(laughter) (sighs)

All right, I deserve that.

Mm. I'm just kidding with you, buddy.

Why don't we make like old times and stop and donate blood on the way to the party? See if we can drunk faster.

(chuckles) Possibly even save a life.

(phone chimes)

Huh...

(whooping from inside limo)

Yacht party! Yacht party!

Yacht! Yacht! Yacht! Yacht! Ya...

Where the hell are we?

Why are we stopping here?

Oh, well, you never know where a Sat Pack night's gonna take you: yacht party, Playboy Mansion, Sara's house.

I'll be back in five.

All right, you got five minutes of my time.

Make 'em count. I got a yacht to catch.

What are you doing here? I didn't tell you to come.

Well, you texted me because you wanted me to come.

Let's not do this dance.

All right, what's up?

Well, since you're here...

I'm about to get mine.

Watch and learn.

Hey.

Hi.

So, I couldn't help but notice that neither of us have boyfriends here tonight.

Oh, mine's in Sacramento for a medical convention.

Where's yours?

Ouch.

I'll take it from here.

(grunts)

I'm gay.

Thanks for talking to me about this, Alicia.

Of course. Do you feel any better?

I'm dead inside.

I'm a husk of a man.

What the hell is taking Jimmy so long?

Move to China? That's-that's a big ask.

Yeah. But the old me would have done that at the drop of a hat.

My plan was always to live all over the world.

Los Angeles was just the first stop.

And then Gerald came along, and so I told myself, "I will see the world when he moves out of the house."

Mm. Good luck with that. Have you seen what I pay him?

(chuckles) And then there was Edie.

All of a sudden the idea of moving is just ridiculous.

Even if it's for Bruce.

Well, you know what they say.

Things happen for a reason, right?

Maybe the best guy for you is right here in Los Angeles.

You know, Ronnie's single now.

(both laugh)

All right, I'm starting to feel this wine.

Couple more glasses of this, I would consider making a trip to Ronnie-ville.

(knocking)

What the hell is this?

Oh, hey, Ronnie! I was just talking about how I was gonna have sex with you, but I'm not going to.

Nice to see you, too, Sara. Jimmy, you said five minutes.

It's been 20.

Well, Sara needed me. This is important.

All right. I'm leaving.

Why?

Why? Tonight was supposed to be about us.

Yeah.

And while you're sitting here, sipping on wine, I've been out, sitting on my thumb, in some driveway in the freaking boondocks.

It's Pasadena. And it's charming.

Well, great. Have fun.

I'll just go back out there and listen to your daughter Gerald tell me all about her problems.

All right, you know what, it's time for you to calm down, because I'm starting to see the vein.

Good! The vein comes out for a reason.

Yeah. You're the reason.

Yeah, well, when the vein comes out, the hand comes out, remember?

I remember. Remember the last time your hand came out? I did this.

Ha, ha, you like that, Grandpa? (gasps)

'Cause I... (grunts)

Oh!

Wow. That felt good.

I did need to cut loose.

I'm gonna go make out with Alicia real quick.

Wh...

(Ronnie groans)

You okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Just horny.

You're always horny.

You want my forehead again?

(chuckles)

Yeah, but this time it's different.

I think I'm horny for what you have.

I'm horny for family.

I know you, Ronnie. Someday you're gonna find out you have a kid you didn't know about, too.

Thanks, man.

Hey, guys, yeah, can we speed this up?

You're kind of making us late to the yacht party.

Ian, what are you doing here?

And who's running the restaurant?

Thank you for coming. This was by far the best experience we've had at Jimmy's.

Whatever you're doing, don't change a thing.

Okay.

Well? To the yacht, huh?

Definitely. Hell yeah.

What time is it, about 1:00?

It's got to be later than that.

It's 10:30.

Oh, great, you're here!

Edie won't take a bath unless it's with you.

Bimmy.

All right. Come on. Come on, you.

(grunts)

You're all... (sputters)

(Vanessa laughs)

(indistinct chatter)

Ronnie: All right, let's do this! Yacht party!

(cheering, whooping)

(door closing)

Yes, I'd like a cab to Valley Village, please.

Unbelievable.

Everything okay, Jimmy?

No, it's not okay.

I asked for one night off.

And do I get it? No.

Because I-I got to be here for you guys.

"Dad, can you help me navigate the seas of love?"

And "Jimmy, my boyfriend's moving to China.

(squeaking)

Can you comfort me?"

Never asked him. Couldn't get him to leave.

And the worst part is I don't have a choice.

I have to be here for you now because I care about you, and it's annoying. I can't even enjoy violent rap songs because of her.

What's wrong with Jimmy?

He's saying nice things in a mad voice.

Yeah, because I am mad.

Here. You're taking advantage of me, and-and I am mad because it's Saturday night and I have to spend my night in a bathtub because I'm the only one in this family who knows how to make bath time fun.

(squeaking)

I'm in hell.

(blows)

(jabbers)

Ooh.