05x07 - And the Coming Out Party

[bunniefuu]

Listen up, everybody.

Something strange is afoot.

Don't be hard on yourself, Han.

You're taller than a foot.

What's wrong? Somebody rub your belly for luck again?

No, I think I might be losing my memory.

According to Netflix, last night I watched half the "Taken"s and all the "Insidious"es-es.

All of them!

Relax. You probably just sleep-watched them.

And you probably also sleep-ordered 28 boxes of tampons on Amazon.

Max, you hacked into my accounts?

That's illegal!

And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of!

Not much of a hack when the password is "Hanstoppable."

That's a breach of trust, girls.

Did you order me those shoes?

Dammit! I should have gone with "Han Golden Pond."

(Peter Bjorn and John)

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, this is weird.

There's a message from Bernard, my grandmother's butler.

Why would he be calling me?

Maybe he butler-dialed you.

(Bernard) Caroline, hello.

I'm calling on behalf of your grandmother.

Wait, she abandons me after four years with no explanation and now she reaches out?

Now? [scoffs]

There is no excuse for that.

(Bernard) She's been in a coma.

Okay, there's one excuse for that.

But she's awake now and wants to see you.

Max, she wants to see me. I'm going to go call him.

She didn't shun me, she was just practically dead!

Max, can I ask your opinion about something?

If Sophie and I want to get pregnant, she needs to be on dr*gs.

Oh, to have sex with you? I get that.

No, fertility dr*gs.

I haven't paid this much for sex since Orgy Cruise '08.

So I'm going to ask Han for a raise.

What do you think?

I think that'll be fun to watch.

Well, I've come up with a new password that none of you will ever guess.

Han-ah Montana?

Dammit!

Lookin' good, Han.

Have you been shopping at Men's Wearhouse?

'Cause I like the way you look.

You know I exclusively shop at T.J. Maxx.

They've been helping me spring into summer for years.

Hey, everybody!

Oleg, what happened?

Did you ask that little Korean girl for a raise?

Max, my grandmother wants me to come and see her tomorrow!

This is so exciting.

Someone in my family is alive and not in federal prison.

That is exciting.

How much money do you think we're getting?

She's rich, right?

I can't believe all this time she was in a coma.

I can't believe you knew someone in a coma and I didn't get to draw a mustache on them.

Hello, Caroline.

Your grandmother's place is fancy.

I'm just gonna say it.

I don't think anybody has ever peed in there.

Caroline: Bernard!

You haven't aged at all.

Thank you.

She hasn't been awake to guard her creams.

Oh, this brings back so many childhood memories.

Right here is where we had our 14-foot Christmas tree.

And then right here is where she'd give me her yearly hug.

Well, Caroline, have you bounced back from the scandal?

If you count working at a diner, sleeping in a wall, and clothes shopping at CVS, then she's real bouncy.

And is this your same-sex partner?

I will be if that gets me in the will.

Bernard, this is Max. She's my roommate.

Yes, that's what we called them back in the day.

[bell rings]

Oh, she's found the bell.

Lucky me.

But that was just a single dingle.

A warning dingle.

[bell rings]

Double dingle. Mayday.

Grammy Astrid, it's Caroline!

I know, darling. I'm old, not blind.

I've missed you so much.

Careful. Don't get her overexcited.

cr*ck a window. Smells like Ass-trid in here.

I suppose I should conserve my energy for the luncheon you're going to throw me.

What luncheon now?

The one you're going to throw to re-introduce her to society, a sort of coming out party.

Isn't that more your turf?

Grammy, I'd be happy to throw you a luncheon but I can't afford...

Gah! [clears throat]

Sorry. Caroline, never mind all that.

Introductions are in order.

Oh, Grammy. This is my friend, Max.

Hey, uh, I guess, welcome back.

You haven't changed a bit, Caroline.

Always making friends with the help.

Maria, was it?

I'll take a tall glass of agua, por favor.

Hoping there's a Maria behind me.

Caroline, how have you been?

Are you running Wall Street yet?

No, but I did cut my hair, which was scary but rewarding.

Grammy, a lot has changed since I lost all my...

Gah!

Seriously, dude, get an x-ray.

Outside. Now.

And still waiting on that agua, Maria.

Ay, yi yi.

Okay, Bernard, what's with the "gahs"?

You interrupted what I was saying so often, it's like we're a married couple.

I was trying to stop you from mentioning your father's scandal.

Oh, I thought that's just how British people fart.

Your grandmother has no memory of what happened.

When I attempted to tell her the bad news, she had a stroke and slipped into a coma.

I said, "Your son might be in some trouble," and that was it; she was out.

She doesn't know I lost all my money?

I know. It's terrible.

And what's worse is you have to tell her she's lost all hers.

She's broke?

Then why did I get her that water?

Hey, girls. Buckle up.

Oleg's gonna ask Han for a raise again.

Hot stuff, coming through.

Oh look, it's Chef Boy-Are-You-Gross.

Nice hat, right?

He wears it in the bedroom when we role-play.

I'm the fussy customer, and he slathers butter on my biscuit.

This isn't the whole costume.

I also wear a drumstick paper frill around my penis.

Boner appétit.

Oh, here comes Han.

It's showtime, baby.

Well, I have a new password that no one will ever get.

"Straight Outta Compt-han"?

Dammit!

Mmm! This food is so good.

My compliments to the man who hired the chef.

Oleg, you're not getting a raise just because Sophie can act like your food is yummy in her tummy.

Would you change your mind if I did it in a different accent?

I used to act in Poland. I can do a whole bunch.

[Southern accent] Mmm! My word.

I just love this tasty tortellini.

Mm-hmm!

Thank you for tonight's nightmare.

Uh, table for one?

Not for this one, thank you.

Bernard, hi. What are you doing here?

I could ask the same of you and follow up with a series of questions about that hideous uniform.

Looks like mustard and ketchup had a fight and everyone lost.

What up, B-nard? You look even paler here.

And you look perfect here.

Now, something to wear for tomorrow's luncheon.

One of your grandmother's Chanel suits.

Here's her guest list.

I'm afraid only one guest RSVP'd "yes."

All the rest of her friends RSVP'd "dead."

Bernard, I really do wish I could give my Grammy what she wants, but I don't have the money for a real fancy luncheon.

Or even real milk, for that matter.

We drink "milk drink."

I don't think she can take much more disappointment.

This morning I had to tell her all about her favorite athlete, Bruce Jenner.

This is so sad.

Grammy's whole world is gone and she has no idea.

Max, I have to give her the one thing that she wants.

A major rollback on civil rights?

No, the luncheon.

She deserves one last hurrah before I tell her she's lost everything.

I wish someone had done that for me before my life came crashing down.

Okay, I'll help you.

I mean, Maria will, if she can find a babysitter.

You are the only person I'll wear this for.

You know, without the $300 up front.

Thank God Sophie had that maid outfit.

I think this is gonna work.

As long as you don't turn around.

Astrid: Caroline, is that you?

Oh, she's coming. Quick.

Behind the screen. Put the suit on over that.

You want me to change into a Chanel suit behind this screen?

Oh, there's room. I've done it numerous times.

Oh, did the rest of our staff arrive yet?

Yes, if you can call them that.

Where did you find them anyway?

Um, around.

Just push me into the room!

I'm doing the best I can!

These pants are five sizes too big!

Bernard, next time, don't hire a child butler.

And you, don't they have wheelchairs in China?

I'm from Korea!

I don't think so.

Tell Caroline she owes me.

Who knows what STD I'm catching from Oleg's butler costume?

And why does he even have this?

It's from when they play "Going Downtown Abbey."

Maria, I need help with my hair.

See what you can do.

Um, no, I'm not really good at that.

Maria, just do it. Go.

Okay.

You get one of those, and that was it.

Oh, there's my girl. You look wonderful.

I forgot how good Chanel feels against my skin.

It's like coming home, but the house is made of silk and hope.

How's this? A little too Princess Leia?

On top! I like it up on top.

Whoa!

Whoa, Grammy. Keep it PG.

[elevator dings]

Where am I?

Oh, it's Gertrude Goolsby.

Your first and only guest has arrived.

Astrid! Oh!

Oh, have to... oh.

Sneaks up on you.

Good luck with all this.

I'll be in the kitchen, studying the Chipotle menu.

For my next job.

Don't you look smashing, Astrid.

I'm assuming. I can't see anymore.

Well, I bet you and Grammy have a lot of fun stuff to catch up on.

How is Gordon?

He has face cancer.

Or the weather is also a subject.

We'd like the first course, pronto.

Maria! Look alive.

You're one to talk.

[bell dinging]

And she gets one of those and that was it.

Dear, may I ask you a question?

Where am I?

Oh, and where is our sommelier?

At your service.

Some wine?

Um...

My bad. This one's empty.

I got bored.

And what about you, ma'am?

White, red, or maybe you prefer a chocolate brown?

I must be in New Orleans.

Here we go.

It's from the Bordeaux region.

More like the Costco region.

Maria!

That's me.

Why are these forks not laid out correctly?

Maria, forks, now.

Glad you like that outfit, 'cause you're gonna be buried in it.

I think I'm gonna let this one breathe in the kitchen.

Caroline, I'd like to meet the chef.

Oh, of course. Chef!

Booyah!

I'm Chef Oleg.

Gordon Ramsay once put me in a headlock.

Please enjoy the first course of my first course: a tasty tortellini.

Caroline, this sauce is delicious!

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

This is the kind of luncheon that makes you feel like you can handle anything that comes along.

Pity there aren't more guests to enjoy it.

[elevator dings]

[posh accent] Darling!

Well, I hope I'm not late for the luncheon!

Mmm!

[posh accent] This crème brûlée is just divine!

Don't mind if I don't mind.

[normal voice] Uh, excuse me. I have to tinkle.

Where's your john?

Oh, I forgot!

Yes, um...

[posh accent] Pardon me, yes.

Could you direct me to your...

Jonathan?

Astrid, darling, I wasn't sure what to expect from one of your lunches, you know, since the scandal, since you lost all of your...

Gah!

I mean, uh...

Lunch is over. Gertrude is leaving.

Scandal? What scandal?

Oh, you know.

The horror of you not having any more...

Mayday! Double dingle!

Maria, do something.

Gertrude: Oh.

So you mean she doesn't want to talk about the fact that she's lost all her mon...

[glass shatters]

Oh, it's crystal that broke.

I thought it was one of Astrid's bones.

I'll replace it. I mean, I can't, but it's the right thing to say right now.

Maria, that's my good crystal.

And it's not replaceable, unlike you.

Now go!

Fine.

I'll go. To wherever Maria lives.

But just know your granddaughter worked really hard to make this lunch all nice.

No, you don't have to go.

Oh, can I go?

Maybe I should go too.

Would anyone buy that I had plans?

No one is going.

I'm just gonna pick up the broken crystal and we'll just continue to have the best luncheon ever.

Caroline! Let the help do that.

Get up off of that floor!

You are not one of them.

Actually, yes, I am.

Grammy, you may have been in a coma, but I feel like it's me that just woke up.

For the past five years, I have been really missing all of this, but it's not good crystal that makes a life.

It's good people. People like them.

And they are not "the help," but they did come here to help me.

'Cause you and I might be related, but these people are my family now.

And also, I should tell you, I don't work on Wall Street.

I work in Brooklyn, in a diner.

See? I'm a waitress.

That's debatable.

I don't understand.

You're a Channing. How could you be a waitress?

Because she lost all her money when you lost all your money.

[heart monitor beats faster]

Caroline, what is she saying?

Nothing, she's saying nothing.

I'm saying, you're poor.

[heart monitor beats increase]

[gasping]

[heart monitor flatlines]

Oh, I leave for two minutes and the party really goes downhill!

I'm sorry again about your grandma, darlin'.

Thanks, Earl.

Well, she did die doing what she loved: being rich and yelling at the help.

[crying]

I'm gonna miss her so much!

Sophie, you knew her for three courses.

I know; I didn't win that Polish daytime Emmy for nothing!

You know, Caroline, you did the right thing throwing that luncheon.

And I pulled a glute pushing your lovely r*cist grandmother around.

I really appreciate you guys helping me with the luncheon.

And, Oleg, I tried the food, and it wasn't gross.

You hear that, Han? Wasn't. Gross.

After being a servant for a few hours, I get how much you all have to put up with.

So, I'm giving you all a raise!

Thank you so much, Han!

Everyone?

They don't need drug money for a baby.

No, but we need drug money for a 27-year-old woman.