01x02 - Face Your Fears

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Angel from Hell"...

Geez, I'm so sorry.

No worries, accidents happen.

I'll bet you're a very sweet person, Dr. Allison.

How did you know my name?

It's me, Amy, from the farmers' market.

Who's this bit o' honey?

I'm Brad. I'm the brother.

Your mother d*ed 412 days ago. And since then you've buried yourself in work, buried yourself in a relationship.

How do you know all that stuff?

Honey, I'm your guardian angel.

He's working on boning your best friend.

Evan and I hooked up.

It's not that I believe you're an angel.

But?

I could use a weird friend.

Do they come any weirder? (chuckles)

Breakfast burritos are so good.

They should make dinner burritos.

That's a billion-dollar idea, Brad, it's called burritos.

I was realizing that as I said it.

Well, thanks for taking me out, guys.

Third day in a row. It's delicious.

Yeah, but you didn't finish it. Are you okay?

You're not still upset about Evan?

Honey, you got to eat.

Did you not get enough guac?

Do you need more guac?

My sister just had her heart broken and she's running low on guac.

Guys, I'm fine about the breakup.

Still bring that guac.

We're all hurtin'.

(phone buzzes)

Is that Evan again?

He's not still calling!

He keeps texting, trying to apologize.

All right, say the word and we will exact Fuller justice.

Yeah.

Remember, I'm from Brooklyn.

Dad, you left Brooklyn when you were one and moved to L.A.

Very formative year.

And I did wrestle in high school.

So you get me a referee and a mat and make sure we weigh the same, and Fuller justice will be served.

Guys, please don't do anything.

I just want to bury this chapter of my life.

Buried alive. Got it.

Stop it. Leave it alone.

All right, we'll take the high road.

Yeah.

View's better from up there anyway.

I got to get to work.

Me, too. Houses don't sell themselves, people.

Actually, lately they do. The market is super hot right now.

I'm just baking open house cookies and cashing checks.

Then why'd you make Dad pay?

Hmm? Oh.

I'm so sorry, guys... I should probably take this.

That's my phone.

I should take this.

Uh-huh. Uh, I think I'm gonna stay here and finish up my paperwork.

My first appointment canceled. Turns out it wasn't a mole... She slept on a chocolate chip.

Good news.

Yeah.

I'll see you at the office.

Okay.

I can't believe how little your family talks about sex.

I actually found myself reading the newspaper.

Oh, it's gonna be so much more fun being your guardian angel now that I can just walk up to you and say...

You're working too hard and you're not having enough fun.

Okay, um, hi. How are you?

I'm wonderful!

Wow. Um, okay, where to start?

Well, I did say we could be friends.

Yes, and that is a legally binding statement.

So, when am I gonna get to meet the old family, huh?

I'm gonna think of you like a tattoo.

Oh, good.

Yeah, you're cool, bigger than expected, and it's best if my family never finds out about you.

No, no, no. I got it. It's kind of complicated to introduce me to your family, especially when you can't reveal that I'm your guardian angel.

Yeah. Now, you know you can't reveal that, right?

I was kind of hoping you would stop revealing it.

Oh. Can we have this conversation someplace else?

I'm getting a little freaked out by all the crazy talk.

Crazy talk? Allison, that is not very PC.

And it's called Spanish.

I was talking about you,

Oh. and I would rather have this conversation when people are not around.

Oh.

Where would that be, where we could have this conversation with no people around?

Would you like to come by my house later?

Yeah, sure.

That could be totally awesome.

Mm.

Yeah.

Okay, then. So...

Ah, no, I hear you.

Until-until tonight at your house.

Oh, and, uh, don't worry...

I know exactly where you live.

Wait. What?

You've been to my house?

S01E02
Face Your Fears

Wow, I can't believe I'm in your house.

And you're awake.

Huh.

The line between stalker and angel seems very thin.

Mm. And I can tell there's a part of you that doesn't believe I'm your guardian angel.

Oh, it's... all of me that doesn't believe you're my guardian angel.

But I am curious just how many cars are on this crazy train, so... why don't you tell me a little bit about how you see the world.

(imitates buzzer) Worlds. There's nine worlds.

Ask me anything you like.

So, why do I need a guardian angel?

There are so many people that need a guardian angel more than I do.

Well, and they all have them.

You see, guardian angels are like herpes.

Everyone has a version of it that they don't know about.

And no matter how hard they try, they can't get rid of us.

Sweet ad campaign.

So if these angels are... everywhere, why is there zero evidence that they exist?

Oh, my goodness, there's evidence everywhere.

99% of all coincidences are angels pulling strings.

And the other one percent?

The one percent... They control everything.

Do you not get The Wall Street Journal?

So you've been protecting me my whole life?

Yep. Except the time you were kicked by the cow.

See, because I also wanted to see what would happen if you pulled its tail.

So if you're an angel, do you fly?

No. We are flightless...

Which technically makes us poultry.

Do you feel pain?

No. But that might be the codeine.

Do you talk to God?

Oh, Allison, do the people at the Apple Store talk to Tim Cook?

So, what would be the one thing that people would be surprised to learn about angels?

We can catch anything that's thrown to us.

What does that mean?

Throw me something.

Whoa. Not bad.

My job... is to protect you.

And if I miss something...

I've failed.

Impressive. (chuckles)

So, you're like an unpaid bodyguard.

No, we don't just guard. We teach lessons.

Lessons? Really? What kind of lessons do you teach?

Piano? Swim lessons?

Oh, we don't swim, Allison.

(chuckles): We're not water goblins.

No, we teach life lessons.

In fact, it's probably the biggest, most important part of my job.

So, what am I to learn from a woman whose fly is currently open?

The value of a gentle breeze.

And now that you've learned that, let's move on to the next lesson: confronting your biggest fear.

You know what that is?

I don't know. Uh, clowns? Spiders?

Well, those are fears and they should be confronted, but I'd put those more in the category of yikesies.

No, this is, like, the scary stuff.

The stuff that when you leave your house in the morning, you say: Oh, man, I hope I don't have to face this today.

Kelly.

Yes, Calleigh.

Kelly...

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Is my oldest friend...

Right.

And we had a fight...

Brutal falling out.

I remember it perfectly.

Because if I didn't remember it, I'd get in trouble with my supervisor for being drunk on the job. (chuckles)

It was a couple of months ago, Couple months ago.

And we were going out for her birthday...

Your birthday.

No, her birthday.

Her birthday, right.

Okay, please let me tell the story.

Okay, please, go ahead.

Thanks for taking me out on my birthday.

Well, I'm sorry it doesn't b*at your tenth birthday when we went to the New Kids on the Block concert.

Uh, yeah! I still can't believe I caught Joey Mclntyre's sock.

You found that sock on the ground.

I caught it.

It was his sock.

No.

It can't be a random sock, Allison...

I've kissed it too many times.

I'm sorry Hank forgot your birthday.

Yeah, it's par for the course.

Well, it shouldn't be.

Okay, Kelly, I just have to say this.

There is something off about Hank.

It always seems like he's hiding something.

He doesn't get your sense of humor, he's not as smart as you are, and you've said several times he suffers from premature ejacula...

Surprise!

You didn't let me finish.

Par for the course, by the way. (chuckles nervously)

No?

Nobody?

I'm so sorry.

Wow.

I tried to apologize to her, but...

I don't think she heard me over the sound of her own yelling.

Aw.

But it's okay, we'll reconnect.

You know, it's been a couple of months...

She's probably cooled off, and, you know, it's a funny thing about...

Yah!

How did you do that?

Oh, you think this is impressive...

You should see me catch soup.

Hey, Dad. Ready to watch the game?

Yup.

So to clarify... earlier, when we told Allison that we were not going to enact revenge...

Huge lie. Yeah, we're not letting Evan get away with what he did to Allison.

Damn straight.

Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

Don't get mad, get Evan.

To quote the ultimate daughter avenger, Liam Neeson...

Give it to me.

(like Neeson): I have a very special set of skills that makes me a nightmare for people like Evan.

Never saw those movies. But I feel like I get it.

So what's our plan? 'Cause we have to make sure it's just the right level of getting back at him.

That's true... We've had difficulty in the past with Allison's exes.

Sometimes we take it too far.

Sometimes I feel like we've left a little bit on the table.

(whispers): It's been an issue.

All right, it says on Facebook he's playing his ukulele at an open mic on Friday.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mm-hmm.

Burn down that building.

Heckle him.

With our heckling.

Sometimes you go too far, son.

I know.

(doorbell rings)

(horn blasts)

(goofy laughing)

(chuckles) Allison, it's me!

I'm just kidding.

Amy! Ta-da!

What are you doing here, and why are you dressed as a clown?

You told me last night you were afraid of clowns, and the only way to get over your fears is to face 'em head-on.

Okay, we need to have a conversation about boundaries.

(mock gasp) Can we have that conversation over brunch?

You know, where we each order different things, and then we eat off each other's plates.

I know the perfect café.

Not going to brunch with a clown.

Oh, you won't eat with clowns, huh?

Where was that rule when you were dating Evan?

(horn blasts)

So come on, admit it, you're less afraid of clowns, right?

(groans)

(chuckles) What is that, vodka?

Oh, my God, that's Kelly.

That's the friend I was telling you about last night.

Oh, my goodness.

Is it just a coinky-dink or is somebody pulling the strings?

(singing circus music)

Okay, now I'm afraid of puppets. Yeah.

Does your guardian angel take care of you, or what?

Look, you get to conquer your fear of running into Kelly.

How did you...?

I don't know.

Did I telepathically convince her to come to this very café this morning?

You checked her Instagram. She posted a photo of her French toast, like, 30 minutes ago.

And how can I do that?

When I've been banned from Instagram for creating the hashtag BodyPartOrDeliMeat?

Go talk to her.

Okay, just let me lay out the pros and cons of talking to her versus leaving her alone.

Good plan, good plan.

Or: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!

Allison?

Hi!

It's been... way too long. (chuckles)

How are you?

Good. Good.

A-Are you still with...

The guy who's hiding something? Yes.

Not the words I would have used.

Oh, exactly the words you did use.

Yeah, about that, um...

Look, I-I should get back to this.

My gallery has an opening on Friday, so I'm a little swamped.

Sure. Yeah. Well, good luck, Friday.

And, uh, give my best to Hank.

I will not.

Good one. Seriously.

Miss this.

Got to run.

Brad: Dad,

I'm assembling the ultimate heckle kit for tonight. Yeah. I-I...

All I need is an embarrassing photo of Evan that we can blow up.

I got the one of him in the tighty-whities.

Oh. Okay, I got to go.

Hey. What's going on?

Oh, just another bad run-in with Kelly.

She's still really ticked off at me.

Really?

Still? Sorry to hear that.

She's a good one.

Yup. How you holding up?

Um, I'm fine. Why are you dancing?

Mm...

What's in the shopping bag, Brad?

This old bag?

Nothing. I just, you know...

As a thank-you for letting me stay in the guesthouse, I thought I'd help out with the grocery shopping, picking up a little deodorant for the both of us, you know.

(loud honk) Ooh.

(loud honk)

Loud enough for a man, pH-balanced for a...

Okay, that's an air horn.

So, back on Kelly...

I think I need to go big to fix the situation.

What are you saying, Allison?

I'm calling in my chit.

Are you sure?

'Cause I can only make this call once.

Just because I sold him his house doesn't mean he'll say yes.

Make the call.

Thank you so much for meeting with me, Joey Mclntyre.

No worries. Brad told me you cashed in your chit.

I give everybody one.

I'm just glad you're not one of the crazies.

(laughs) Yeah, right? No, I was a...

I was a casual New Kids fan, not one of the crazy ones, you know, Joey Mclntyre.

Can you... not use my full name?

Oh, you got it, Joey. (mouths)

Uh, okay, so tell me about this girl, Kelly.

How old is she, what disease does she have?

She's 32, and she tested positive for being super mad at me, and the doctors prescribed a round of J-Mac Z-Pak.

Candy corn. Candy corn.

We have a candy corn situation in the conference room. I repeat... candy corn.

No, no, no, no, no. I am not candy corn. I am not. I am a perfectly balanced dermatologist who just needs help winning back a friend.

Are you really a dermatologist?

Yes. My father and I have a very successful practice.

Do you do tattoo removals?

Of course.

Circus peanuts. I repeat... circus peanuts. Stand down.

I too have a mistake that needs fixing.

I need the room.

It was the summer of 1990.

A magical time.

You remember.

I do.

I was on lunch boxes, T-shirts, bedsheets, trading cards, even had my own Saturday morning cartoon.

It was hilarious.

The only place my face wasn't appearing was on my body.

Until this.

♪ Yeah ♪

Oh, my God, it's happening.

Just be cool. Let it play out.

I haven't done anything about it because I didn't want word to get out.

You help me get rid of him, I'll do the appearance.

Done.

Woman (gasps): Oh, my God, a giant spider!

(gasps) Spider! Spider!

(grunts)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't... be so cute?

Congratulations. Boom...

You just conquered your fear of spiders. Oh!

Hey, and you helped, you little guy.

Yes, you did. Oh, you're a good fear.

Good fear.

So how was the meeting with Joey Mac?

How did you...?

You can't keep popping up in my life.

Well, as a professional pimple popper I thought you'd appreciate that. Oh, I'm sorry, you got some of my friendly fire. Lot of Ps.

You have to give me some space.

Wh... Space? Well, I'm barely in your life.

I haven't even met your family yet.

Yeah, and, again... Not gonna happen.

Oh, listen, I know you're not convinced that I'm an angel.

I am more convinced that that dog is a spider.

(whimpers)

Okay, I know I said we could be friends, but friends take breaks in between hangouts.

Oh. Okay, well, I've never heard of that, but that's fine, take your space.

There's my bus anyway. Okay?

Sorry, ma'am. No pets.

Uh, it's a service spider.

I can't wait to tear Evan a brand-new one and completely ignore the two-drink minimum.

Yeah, they're not getting our money.

Although the wait staff isn't to blame for Evan's infidelities.

Excellent point.

Okay. Two gin and Frescas.

Shaken, not laughed at.

(applause) Here he is.

Let's get our heckle on.

Thanks for, uh, coming out tonight.

This is a new song that I wrote.

It's about loss.

(chuckling): Oh.

♪ A unicorn and a starfish ♪
♪ Such dear friends of mine ♪

(coughing): You call that music?

♪ No chance to tell them I loved them ♪
♪ And now they are gone ♪

Gone and mine don't rhyme. Stop wasting our time.

That's how you do it.

♪ The unicorn was a doctor ♪
♪ But I knew him as Dad ♪

Wait, is this about us?

♪ The starfish sold houses ♪
♪ And his name was Brad ♪

I can't tell yet, but...

I think this little ditty's growing on me.

♪ I lost my family that day ♪
♪ 'Cause I lost my way ♪
♪ If I could undo it ♪
♪ In their hearts I would stay ♪

Audience: Boo!

What's wrong with these people?

Let the boy sing.

Just don't let him date your daughter.

Kelly. Congratulations on the show.

It's fantastic.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Hi. So I know I screwed up really bad and I really want to make it up to you.

So... I got you something.

Okay. Well, tonight's a really big night for me, so...

It is. But it's about to get bigger.

(tapping) Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention, please.

(exhales)

Kelly, I, uh, I know we're in the middle of your big night, but, uh, I felt like this just couldn't wait.

Oh. (giggles softly)

Kelly, we have been together for two amazing years.

(music starts playing)

Kelly. What up, girl?

I'm here because your friend once ruined what should have been a very special moment with your boyfriend. She wants you to know she's sorry and that it'll never happen again.

Oh, God, it's, uh, happening again right now.

Good night, Los Angeles.

You guys, I am so sorry...

Allison, just stop it.

You're like a guided m*ssile set to destroy every milestone in our relationship.

And for your information, I'm a much more attentive lover than I used to be.

Oh.

Anyway, where was I? Um, sweetheart... (giggles)

Look, I'm sorry, I really just didn't know...

Oh, my God, can I please finish my proposal?!

Just go, Allison.

Kelly...

Uh, just-just get up, Hank, it's over.

I'll marry you.

Thank you. I love you.

Hooray.

(scattered applause)

I heard about last night.

How?

I work in the art world as a part-time full-nude model.

I am such an idiot.

I don't know why I had to go so big with my apology.

I do. Your biggest fear isn't clowns, spiders or Kelly.

It's being alone.

Listen, kid, I know you probably feel like a lot of people have left you recently, what with your mom passing away and that fiasco with Evan and Jill, and maybe now you're thinking that it's happening again with Kelly.

Wow.

Aw.

Are you crying?

Because we get bonuses for epiphany tears.

I guess I have been feeling really alone.

And that's why you've been doing everything in your power to make it up to Kelly, when all you have to do is sit down with her, give her a straightforward, honest apology.

Even if that means she's not gonna be your friend anymore.

Maybe you're right.

You know who else would agree with me?

Your dead mother.

I am not going to cry for you.

Smart girl.

Save it for your friend.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!

Oh, my gosh, is that another coincidence?

You got to be kidding me.

You're the anonymous buyer?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's me.

I'm the buyer.

I guess we're, uh... we're going live.

Okay. I know I screwed up majorly.

Not just with the birthday and the proposal, but as your friend.

You were the first person I cared about outside of my family, and at the risk of you telling me off, I want to make it up to you in every way I can.

'Cause I really don't want to lose your friendship.

Well... buying a $5,000 photograph is a good way to start.

$5,000... (nervous chuckle)

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good way to start.

The clown photo?

The clown!

Hey, Amy.

So, how'd it go with Kelly?

She asked me to be a bridesmaid.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What? No, it's a good thing.

No, it's really not. I saw the dresses she picked out...

You're gonna look like a big ol' fuchsia berry up there.

Oh, well, thanks for the warning.

Mm.

And thank you for everything else.

You're welcome.

Are you starting to understand why you need a guardian angel?

No, but I am starting to see the upside of having a weird friend.

Oh. And this weird friend is learning how to give you your space. (clicks tongue)

Amy? Yeah?

Would you like to have lunch with me and my brother sometime next week?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think I could make that work.

Great. I'll see you then.

I'm gonna meet the fam.

Oh.

That doesn't count, I'm off the clock.