01x10 - The One With the b*mb

[bunniefuu]

[g*nshots]

Fire!

[expl*si*n]

Yeah!

[Groaning]

[Whines]

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm down and left on every sh*t.

Here, let me take a look.

Try bending your elbow a little bit.

Maybe slide your hand back a half inch or so.

[g*nsh*t]

♪ Whoa, my love ♪
♪ My darling ♪

[g*nsh*t]

♪ I've hungered for your touch ♪

[g*nsh*t, electricity fizzles]

[Man groans]

No, I can't do this.

You're great at this. Your tongue touched the hangy thing in the back of my throat.

No, Geils.

I mean, I can't get close to another partner.

Tribeca, after all we've been through, you can't tell me you don't have feelings for me.

[Sighs]

♪

[Chuckles]

I don't have feelings for you.

You're just never gonna let anyone in the rest of your life?

See you around, partner.

Adios, partner.

Later, Angie.

[Michael Jackson's "Thriller" plays]

[Zombies groaning]

[Whimpers]

♪ It's plain to see that you already ♪

Hey, why the long face?

I was a forceps baby.

Hey, where's the normal bartender, regular Pete?

Yeah, he had the night off.

I've never known him to take the night off.

That's why we called him Pete.

Wait, I remember. He d*ed.

Oh, wow, that's sad.

How about a drink?

In honor of regular Pete.

Pete, regular Pete.

Yeah, right, that's what I said.

Angie: Drowning your sorrows?

Yeah, I got feelings for my partner, but she doesn't want to recip...

Hey.

Look, you don't think I want to recip?

Of course, I want to recip, but you don't understand.

I've had 236 partners, and I've fallen in love with every single one of them.

That's so normal.

And something bad has happened to every single one of them.

So, the odds of something happening to me are zero.

If I ever lost you...

Nothing's gonna happen to me, kid.

I swear.

Okay.

Let's do this.

I feel like a princess in an old-fashioned fairy tale.

[Chuckles]

Wait, let me just go drain the lizard.

Here you go, Geils, on the house.

Thanks.

[Echoing] Hey, how did you know my name?

My name, my name.

My name.

My name, my name.

You better stop spinning. You're gonna make yourself sick.

Thanks. Hey, how did you know my...

It was the smoking drink.

All right, Geils, get ready for some...

[screaming]

♪

Something's happened to Geils. I know it.

Let's not jump to any conclusions.

Somebody order a body bag?

No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe Geils just went home to sleep off his hangover.

He would never just leave like that.

I'm gonna try his phone again.

[Phone rings]

Geils' phone.

Hey, it's Tribeca. Have you seen him?

No, no word since last time you called five minutes ago.

All right, I'm sorry. I'm just worried.

It's okay. [Phone rings]

Oh, my big phone's ringing.

Tribeca.

Man: Hello, Detective Tribeca.

I have a friend of yours that would very much like to see you again.

He's got Geils.

Trace this call. Trace this call.

Who is this?

I don't want to use my real name.

Just call me Wilson Phillips.

Wait, no, that is my real name.

Just call me Wilson P.

You listen to me, Wilson P.

If you touch a hair on my partner's head...

No, no, no, you listen to me, Detective!

If I do not get $1,000 in non-sequential coffee gift cards in 2 hours, the b*mb strapped to your partner will explode.

How we doing on this trace?

Keep talking?

So, uh, Wilson P., what do you like to do when you're not kidnapping people?

[Laughs]

Nice try.

I love sports, especially stuff in the water.

Snorkel, paddle board.

Do we have it?

Sometimes I just lay on the beach, let the birds eat the bread off my naked body.

That's really interesting.

Tell me more.

Time's up, Detective!

Is what I will say in two hours if you do not get me what I want.

Goodbye.

And god bless.

How did we do on the trace?

Huh?

Did we get the trace?

You wanted me to trace a call?

Oh! Girl, I was jamming.

Damn it!

♪ they're back stabbers ♪

There are over 15 Wilson Phillipses in the state of California.

We have cops tracking them, but we'll never get to all of them in two hours.

Well, luckily, every call that comes into the precinct is recorded.

Did you and Edelweiss get anything from the call?

Unfortunately, Dr. Edelweiss is at a forensics conference in Istanbul, but I was able to reach him on Skype.

Hello, Dr. Edelweiss.

Dr. Edelweiss?

There's a bit of a time delay.

Let's just get started.

Listen to the audio from the phone call.

If I do not get $1,000 in non-sequential coffee gift cards in two hours, the b*mb strapped to your partner will explode.

That's him.

That's what I thought, too, but there's more.

Watch what happens when we...

Ah, there you are, Tribeca. How are you?

It's been a tough day, but you know, just trying to stay optimistic.

Watch what happens when I strip out Wilson P.'s voice.

[Chatter]

Then I take out any other voices.

[Clanking] Which leads...

Yes, I was very concerned when I heard about Geils, but don't worry.

This technology is absolutely amazing.

I mean, here I am in the...

So, if we take out everything but the background noise...

[Static]

Wait a second.

The guy asked for coffee gift cards, which must mean he likes...

Overpriced coffee.

Shitty, last-minute gifts.

That's someone steaming milk. That's in a coffee shop.

There's thousands in the city.

We'll just never narrow it down in time.

Hang on, maybe I can pull up some of the background noises.

Woman: I have to say, Coffee Commune at 1287 Beverly Drive is my favorite coffee shop in town.

That's right around the corner.

We're there every day.

He knows us.

Istanbul, and it's as if I'm standing right next to you.

So, Scholls, what are we looking at?

♪

What can I get you? A Cuvanista?

Squat Wipe? Double Dark?

I'm Detective Tanner. This is Detective Hoffman.

We need to ask you a few questions.

Seriously, man? This is my busiest time.

At least order something. I got a whole line here.

Fine, just a coffee.

I don't know what that is.

Come on, an Italian Long?

A Perky Pony? A Kansas City Mudstorm?

[Barks]

Coming right up.

We're trying to track down one of your customers.

You recognize this voice?

Man: If I do not get $1,000 in non-sequential coffee gift cards in two hours...

Yeah, I remember him.

Nice guy, good tipper.

Hint, hint. Are we done here?

A cop's life is at stake here!

Now, before I tape your mouth to that milk steamer...

Go on.

What else you know about this guy?

I don't know.

He's 6'2", thin, light blond hair.

Think!

I've got this mug he used yesterday with his fingerprints on it!

I am losing patience.

I-I-i think he left his driver's license here.

You want me to go check the lost and found?

You are stepping on my last nerve.

I don't know. He... He... he rides a bike?

Lives within biking distance.

We're done here.

Well, he comes in every day at 11:00.

If you wait like six more minutes...

I'd quit while you're ahead.

All right, we found five Wilson Phillipses within biking distance of the coffee shop, and we're getting search warrants for each one, but we need to buy a little time.

So, maybe we hold a press conference, try and draw the guy out.

Good thinking.

Tribeca, I know you and Geils were tight.

We are gonna find him...

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

It's not just that. The way we left things was...

Was it?

Kind of.

I see. You know, sometimes...

I know, but it's hard because...

I get it. I've been there.

Thanks, Lieutenant, you always know what to...

I do.

God. Geils could be hanging on by a thread, or, worse, he could be in the early stages of Stockholm Syndrome.

Even worse than that, he could be developing a bond with his captor.

[Ding!]

Honey! Muffins are ready!

I made you some low-sodium muffins because I know your blood pressure's an issue right now.

Maybe later.

Okay, maybe later.

What'd you do that for?

I don't know. Maybe I'll tell you later.

Can we not do this right now?

I'm trying to run a kidnapping.

You always do this. You take on everything yourself.

[Sighs] I got to go out.

Oh, great, your answer to everything.

You know what? I hope this b*mb explodes.

Don't even joke about that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Hey, is that Tribeca on TV?

Angie: We are working very hard.

We are tracking every lead, and we are confident that we will find Detective Geils and bring this kidnapper to justice.

At this point, I'll take some questions.

[All shouting "question!"]

Yes?

Where should I take the in-laws to dinner?

Everyone likes Italian. Yes?

Who are you wearing?

"Lady Cop" by Valentino.

Former Cabinet Member Stephen Chu won a Nobel prize for capturing atoms with these light beams.

What are lasers?

And here's my message to the kidnapper.

You think you're pretty slick kidnapping my partner.

Thanks, I do.

I'm not finished.

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

You messed with the wrong cop.

And, Geils, if you're listening, just know that I will not rest.

I know, Angie.

Will somebody just let me finish?

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

Until I find you.

I guess I was pretty much done.

No further questions.

We got the address. Let's bounce.

All right, take him down!

Try not to let Geils explode.

What the hell?

Look at that rack.

Charlie, don't.

It's a booby trap!

[Beeping]

[expl*si*n]

He d*ed doing what he loved.

[Sighs]

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Man: Nice try, Detective.

How stupid do you think I am?

Do you really think I would be at my home address?

Why are you doing this?

Geils never hurt anybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I wasting your time?

Am I threatening to take away something you care about?

Well, now you know how it feels.

Two weeks ago, Coffee Commune.

[Sighs]

Hey, can I get a small...

Sir, we're gonna need you to step aside. Police business.

Sure, I... I... I'm kind of in a hurry, so...

Yeah, we'll be quick.

Okay. Kind of a large order here.

Let me get 37 cappuccinos, 20 whole milk, 11 nonfat, 2 with...

What is that, armin mist?

Armin mist? Almond milk.

Almond milk? That's a... oh, my god, your handwriting is terrible.

What's this abomination?

Crab cake.

Cr... I can't even read that.

Croissant, it's croissant.

[Laughs] It's croissant. Looks like cummerbund.

I'm really in a hurry, guys.

Swear to god, we're almost done.

The detective here would like two cummerbunds.

Would you like a top hat with that, maybe some cufflinks?

I get it, I get it. My handwriting is terrible.

Terrible?

It looks like you wrote it on a roller coaster.

Okay, all I want is a small...

Don't worry, sir.

We'll get you to your gym class on time, okay?

[Laughter]

Hey, while we're here, what's the origin of coffee?

I've always wanted to know...

You really hit the nail on the head with that one, Tribeca, except I wasn't a gym teacher yet.

I was on my way to a gym-teacher job interview.

Getting the picture?

[Sighs]

But I missed it because of you and your stupid coffees and your stupid handwriting.

My life is ruined.

My wife left me.

My kids ran away and married each other, so now, I'm taking away your boyfriend.

We're not together. We'll never be together, okay?

[Phone clatters]

He's just my partner, that's it.

Look, we'll make amends when we need to, but you need to let Geils go.

I will forget everything if you just give me a simple apology.

Never. You're insane.

I'm gonna find you...

You will never find me!

I'm a trained gym teacher.

Do you know how many sweatsuits there are in the world?

Every time you walk down the street, and you see someone in a sweatsuit, you'll wonder, "Hey, is that him?"

Is that him?"

Is that him?

Got to go.

Lieutenant, we found Geils.

Send in everybody!

[Sirens wailing]

Go, go!

Cover the back!

[Ice cream truck music playing]

[Loud salsa music playing]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Tractor engine revs]

[Radio chatter]

Man: Go, go, go, go, go!

Wilson Phillips!

We have you surrounded.

Come out of the house with your hands up, and do not blow up Detective Geils!

All right, everybody, look alive.

He's a gym teacher.

We have no idea what he's capable of.

Ohh. Damn it! I'm out.

Tribeca, take over.

Ohh! [Mutters]

Listen, Phillips, we know you're hurting, but that's no reason to take it out on poor Jay Geils.

Sure, he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, his apartment's a dump, and he's the worst driver of all time.

Have you ever seen a 9-point turn?

I have.

[Both laugh]

Come to think of it, I have no good reason to have feelings for him, but damn it...

I love him.

[Pounding]

Tribeca!

Geils!

Wilson, you got to turn yourself in.

I am not going to prison.

You know what prisons have? Gyms.

And every great gym teacher has spent time in prison.

I'm coming out!

Okay, remember, he's the only one who knows how to disarm the b*mb, so whatever you do, hold your fire.

Okay?

Hey.

Sorry, Mr. Wilson.

Oh, my god, the b*mb.

Geils, how much time left?

1 minute left!

Everybody get out of here. Save yourself.

No can do.

Tanner, send in the robot.

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Suspenseful music stops]

[Suspenseful music resumes]

[Powering down]

[Suspenseful music stops]

[Sighs]

Damn! Sorry. It ran out of juice.

Anybody got 12 "C" batteries on 'em?

Geils, I'm coming.

Tribeca, what the hell are you doing?!

[Suspenseful music plays]

Wait a minute, am I back in?

You shouldn't be in here. This b*mb's gonna go off.

Save yourself.

Save myself for what? Another partner?

I don't want a new partner.

It's you and me for the long haul, Geils.

I mean, sure, things could change.

Our jobs are dangerous, but I just want to let my guard down and be vulnerable and spend time with someone I really care about.

You know, I've been thinking a lot lately about life, and it's really short.

I just really want to...

Tribeca, 42 seconds.

Right, right, okay.

Here goes nothing.

[Exhales sharply]

All right, let's see what we got here.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Woman: Hello, you have reached tech support for the all-American b*mb company.

There are six bombs ahead of you.

Your b*mb is important to us. Please stay on the...

[phone beeps] [Sighs]

Okay, I'm just gonna shut my eyes and cut one.

Yeah, wait, what? Maybe we keep brainstorming.

Geils?

I do, too.

[b*mb beeping]

5 seconds.

[Romantic music plays]

4 seconds.

[Beeping continues]