05x08 - And the Basketball Jones

[bunniefuu]

So, to be clear, you want delivery from this diner?

Yes, I do know what delivery means.

Do you know what E. coli means?

Where do you live?

If he eats from here, in his bathroom in about an hour.

Will you be needing napkins? Utensils?

The number for Poison Control?

Well, good luck.

The delivery boy is on his way.

Oh, this is good.

I need the exercise.

I feel like I'm getting a little chubby!

Oh, I know.

I can see it through those shorts.

I was a delivery boy in Vietnam.

I mostly delivered bad news, like, "That hooker was a dude."

Here's that tuna salad... and hurry.

Like that astronaut who drove across the country in a diaper, it's not gonna travel well.

See you later, haters.

And remember, Earl's in charge when I'm gone.

Earl's in charge?

Okay. I have a business degree.

He had all three types of diabetes.

But I get it.

I'll be gone for... 20.

[clears throat]

Speaking of 4:20, Max, you wanna go smoke some weed?

The man in charge just sparked up a doobie.

But I get it.

And I'm about to get it.

[car horn honks]

[crash, glass shattering]

Oh, no. Am I in charge forever?

Who the hell parked a Rascal in a bike lane?

Uh... that's my bad.

It almost destroyed my helmet!

I know.

I can see it through those shorts.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

And this is the sprinkle station.

Last stop on the cupcake train.

And this is the cash register, where there'll be money someday.

And this is Max, the other half of Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Your little movie is about to be rated R for strong, brutal v*olence.

Stop filming me.

I'm not filming.

I'm Periscoping.

Isn't periscoping when you do mouth stuff on a guy while he keeps a lookout for the cops?

Not all sex has to involve the thr*at of an arrest, Max.

Periscope is a social media app that streams live videos to your followers.

Tell everyone in Brooklyn who loves food festivals that we'll be at the Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.

Or you can follow me into the bathroom while I change, and they can see some bushwick right now.

Max, this is great PR.

That's "public relations," not "Puerto Rican."

I know you were disappointed when I took you to that PR seminar and there were no cock fights.

I liked the Internet when the only thing you could do was look at cat pictures and find out how old John Stamos is.

He turned 53 in August!

You know what's sad?

I'm too old to date him.

If Periscope is such great PR, how many viewers did you just have?

One.

But maybe it was a really important one.

Really loving your Periscope presence, Caroline!

Okay. It's a small build.

I still maintain that Periscoping will be great for our business.

For the record, I was filming my business way before it was called "Periscoping."

Hi, everybody!

Oleg, I picked up your dry cleaning, and good news!

They were able to get the raspberry stains out of your banana hammock!

Oh, Lord.

Now who's gonna dry clean my mouth?

So you picked up my dry cleaning instead of my cousin from the airport?

Your cousin's in town? That's weird.

I didn't get an alert on my phone.

Sophie, how could you forget?

This is why we started doing sudoku.

I thought you started doing sudoku 'cause she was hot and willing.

I got a lot on my mind.

I'm trying to design our future baby.

See, girls, I read this article that says you can spin sperm to get rid of the bad stuff.

So Oleg's not gonna be the father?

It's true.

There's a new technology where you can select the baby's genes.

I miss selecting jeans.

Now I just reach into the $3 bin and hope for the best.

Well, I'm gonna spin that jazz till I get a girl baby with green eyes and Jennifer Aniston's second nose and... and my butt!

Why can't we get pregnant the natural way?

Up against a fence.

Hello.

I'm Gortak.

You look familiar.

Didn't you rib a dragon on "Game of Thrones"?

Gortak!

There's my little cousin.

Hi!

I think my iPhone case is made out of gortak.

Hi, I'm Oleg's wife, Sophie.

And you're one tall drink of yak's milk.

You know it, baby.

And he's taking that tall right to the bank.

Gortak just signed to play pro basketball.

[gasps]

No way!

Basketball is my favorite sport, next to bum wrestling!

I'm in town for a game against Brooklyn.

Brooklyn's my team.

They stink.

Yeah, well, I relate to anybody who's not doing that great.

Hey, I'm Max.

I used to sh**t around in juvi.

We played arsonists versus attempted murderers.

I did a lot of ribbon dancing.

Caroline's kind of the Screech of the group.

And here comes Mr. Belding.

Max, it's almost your shift.

Why haven't you changed into your uniform?

It's almost spring.

Why haven't you changed into a butterfly?

Han, this is my cousin Gortak.

Gortak, this is...

[speaking Russian]

Jackass boss.

[speaking Russian]

Virgin.

[speaking Russian]

"Little People, Big World."

I didn't catch all of that, but I didn't love what I caught.

Oleg, do you and your Sophie want to come to the game tomorrow night?

I have two tickets.

Oh, perfect timing.

As of yesterday, I'm allowed to be within 50 feet of cheerleaders.

Yeah, no. You know what?

I'm sorry. I'm out.

You know, tonight I have to genetically modify a person while I watch "The Good Wife."

Take me, Oleg!

Which is the only time you will ever hear me say that.

Good idea, Max.

Sophie would be pissed if I took a lady.

But, Max, what about our plans?

I don't want to taste Bushwick alone.

Then don't have more than three drinks...

And don't get in the back of anybody's Isuzu.

♪ ♪

You're pretty dressed up.

You know a food festival is just code for eating outside next to garbage cans.

Maybe I should come.

Well, I say, "Dress for the job you want."

I would, but I don't know what the people who test out all the new potato chip flavors wear.

[knock on door]

Cheeseburger Pringles?

Yes.

Hey, girls!

Look at my baby board!

Yeah.

I feel like we're finally getting close to something I can work with.

You know, it really started to flow once I threw away the Anne Hathaway forehead.

That is the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, well, good thing you didn't see it with the Hathaway forehead.

I love baby number two, but I don't know.

Oleg still wants to be surprised.

Why don't you give us all a nice surprise and brush his teeth while he's sleeping?

[laughing]

Right?

Yes.

Oh, right. Here.

Max, Oleg can't go to the game.

Our baby appointment got changed to tomorrow, and we got to get working on the baby body.

Oh, you know what?

That reminds me.

Max, do you have a picture of your boobs?

Oh, you know what?

I'll get it from Oleg.

I can't believe I have two tickets!

Ooh, I'm gonna call Earl.

It'd be fun to go with a friend.

Would it hurt you to ask me to go to the game?

You know I'm not gonna say yes.

Do you want to go to the game?

Yes!

Wow, that surprised me too.

These are VIP tickets from an actual player.

This could be better than Bushwick.

I mean, lots of celebrities go to those games.

[gasps]

Ooh! Where are the fliers?

I bet we could get a lot of business there.

No!

We are not doing business!

Tonight is supposed to be fun.

Well, I find business fun, but okay.

One day, you will appreciate my ambition.

And one day, I will try lettuce, but not tonight.

No fliers.

No fliers.

No fliers.

I just think this is a missed opportunity.

"Missed Opportunity" was my stripper name at the Salty Dog.

Look, I don't want to work tonight.

Which also happened to be my catchphrase.

[crowd roaring]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

These can't be VIP seats.

I haven't been this winded since I climbed the social ladder at theater camp.

These seats are great!

I usually sit in the parking lot around a trash fire, singing doo-wop.

It's just, I've never sat in the last row before.

My father made sure I was always in the front.

Broadway, fashion week, his criminal trial.

My father got me front-row seats to the "Inability to Love" awards.

I'll try and let this go, but I'm just saying, we could have gone to the Taste of Bushwick, and we'd still be closer to the court.

Oh, I love the taste of Bushwick.

I don't care for it much.

Hi, I'm June, and this is Dianne.

We're sort of the "mayors" of section Y.

Been to every game.

I'm Max. This is Caroline.

You guys want a finger?

Oh, we're just friends.

Do you want a finger?

Sure.

We'll take one if you got an extra.

And how 'bout that hot dog?

You still working on that?

Max, you don't know where that finger has been.

What do you mean?

It's been in a box in my car.

Yeah, Caroline.

This finger's been in her box out in the car.

What part of that don't you get?

Careful.

That beer cost more than I spent on underwear last year.

I don't like it up here.

I don't even like beer.

It's so bloaty.

Come on. It's not that bad.

Oh, really?

Then why is that guy shaving?

Well, obviously, he's got a very important job interview as conductor of the crazy train.

Max, our seats are in a shanty town.

I think somebody tried to sell me a hubcap on the way up the stairs.

Ooh! How much?

Can I borrow those binoculars, so I can look at something that's not this?

[buzzer blares]

Max! Oh, my God!

Look at all the VIPs down there.

Well, someone's "VI-peeing" right over there.

Max, I want to be down there.

Oh, I know what you need.

Wanna finger?

Look!

A rich couple fighting courtside!

Oh, he's storming off!

She's storming off!

You should do play-by-play on the "I Don't Care" network.

Come on! Let's go steal their seats.

What?

I like where I am.

My ears already popped.

We're settled here.

That's the difference between us, Max.

I don't settle... until I'm, like, 42, and then I might have to marry someone shorter than me.

I, on the other hand, love settling.

My first words were, "Eh, it's fine."

Look, all we have to do is make a few smart, strategic moves, and a better opportunity awaits.

Please?

All right. Sorry, ladies.

She wants me to go down with her.

Just tell her you got a headache.

♪ ♪

[shoes squeaking]

Okay, just act like we belong in the VIP section.

[loudly] I can't believe the limo driver took that wrong turn, and that's why we're late to the game, and thus, our seats.

You forgot to mention that we took thus bus here.

The point is, we made it.

I am back where I belong.

Can you just smell the money down here?

I think that's Gortak's ball sweat.

Hello, ladies who magically appeared in the second quarter.

Can I see your tickets?

Oh!

What?

These are my tickets to most places.

Our tickets? Of course.

Let me just find them in here.

[buzzer blares]

Here they are!

Oh, sorry about the popcorn.

I'm used to it.

You rich people are pigs.

Max, I haven't been called a rich pig in five years!

[buzzer blares]

This is pretty cool!

I told that Chinese lady up top with the backpack full of loose carrots I'd be back, but I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

I should totally Periscope this so people think we're big sh*ts.

We are so close, I could get my nose broken by a ball!

And I could meet the doctor who fixes your broken nose!

Everything is working out!

Oh, my God.

We are in the same row as Jay-Z and Beyoncé!

[gasps]

And they brought Blue Ivy!

I can't believe I'm seeing our royal family!

I can't believe I'm touching the court with my feet!

Maybe I should just drag my butt across it like a dog.

Is that too far?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Beyoncé just made eye contact with me!

She sees me every time she looks to the left, to the left.

I should get them one of our fliers.

Luckily, I always keep an emergency flier.

That and a key to my old house, in case this all turns out to be a dream.

That's my dream too.

Ooh! Here comes the nanny.

[gasps] Fran Drescher's here?

No, Blue Ivy's nanny.

I'll get her our flier.

Excuse me, miss, in the drop-crotch sweatpants!

(Max) Go, go, go! Ten seconds!

Wait! Miss, wait!

Can you take this?

Max, she took the...

Go, go, go!

Oh!

Ooh!

[whistle blasts]

[buzzer blares]

Max, what did you do?

I took you to a basketball game like an idiot!

And now I'm about to run.

What is our end game here, Max?

Are we hiding? Are we fleeing?

I just want to know what we're ugly-walking toward.

Do I look like a person with an end game?

Also, ya ended the game.

Angry mob aside, the good news is I did manage to get that flier to Blue Ivy's people.

The bad news is you created the biggest disaster in sports since Magic Johnson's talk show.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Someone's coming.

Well, you said you wanted more followers.

Now you have them in real life!

[Max gasps]

Oh, my God.

This is where the 17th best team in the league gets naked!

And also where it ends for ol' Max and Caroline.

What? It's not like the players come right into the locker room after the game.

Oh, my God.

The players come right into the locker room after the game!

Of course we'd be in here.

This is so us.

You know what else is so us?

Me stealing one of these jerseys.

Let's do the interview in the locker rooms.

Crap! They're coming in here.

We can't be the face of this, Max.

We'll be the most hated business in Brooklyn.

And I'm including the new breakfast restaurant with the valet stroller parking.

[Max gasps]

This is where the 17th best team in the league goes number one!

And from the looks of it, their aim isn't good in here, either.

Those girls were crazy, man.

They cost us the game.

We were almost the 16th best team in the league.

How did they get into the VIP section?

I was wondering the same thing about Tim Allen.

Yo, man, take a look at this thing on my back.

Does it look like cancer?

It just seemed like more than a mole, you know?

Actually, it looks like a precancerous basal cell.

We should get a better look in the light in the bathroom.

Here! Over here.

Get in the ice bathtub.

It's big enough for two.

"Big enough for two."

That's what Chili's said about their new coconut mozzarella sticks, but... swing and a miss.

You went to Chili's and didn't tell me?

I was afraid you'd try to get us a better table.

Oh, yeah.

I'd definitely get that thing checked out.

Yo, I got to ice this knee.

[both screaming]

[both panting]

Of course they'd pour the ice on us!

And of course this would happen here, 'cause it's the 17th worst thing that's ever happened to me!

♪ ♪

[both coughing]

Oh, you two sick?

Stay away from me. I can't get sick.

When you're 78, it takes about 2 days to go from sniffles to being eaten by your cat.

We'll be fine... if half a Tylenol can cure full-body hypothermia.

Max, I feel like you're still mad at me for wanting more for us than bad seats and a struggling business.

Of course I'm mad!

I haven't been this cold since that winter I was on "Deadliest Catch."

Well...

I've got a waste can of baby faces I'm not gonna use.

Yeah.

Turns out, we're not gonna design our baby anymore.

But what about wanting it to have a delicate chin?

And a thigh gap?

You know, girls, I realized I just want to have a healthy, happy baby.

You know, it's like my Aunt Ruffa said after she lost her tongue, you know...

"Dou det what dou det, and dou don't det updet."

You know, which roughly translates to, "You get what you get, and you don't get upset."

That's a really mature decision.

The doctor wanted 60 grand.

Yeah, that affected our decision too.

Well, maybe letting things happen naturally is the way to go.

Because sometimes when you force things, you put $130 million worth of basketball players on the disabled list.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪