01x10 - Thank You For Your Service

[bunniefuu]

Meanwhile, on "Con Man"...

Get down on your knees.

You have 5 seconds to comply.

Seriously?

Gotcha! I'm Faith.

Jack wants to make a movie of Spectrum.

I hate Spectrum.

Okay, calm down. You're being a little childish.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

When people say that you've been stuffed into a pigeon hole, it is not the hole that pigeons live in.

It's the butthole. - Yeah, no, I got that.

Yeah, I gotta go...

To a comic book store opening.

Because that's the kind of thing...

That I do.

Con Man - Episode 10 - "Thank You for Your Service"

Excuse me, I think I found it...

How you guys doing? - Oh, my god!

About time, I'm sorry.

I'm about to come a little late.

How you doing? How you doing?

I think that's me in a photo.

Listen... Hey, can I get...

Hey, does anyone know "My Sharona"?

Do you know "My Sharona"?

Oh, great, you're here!

Everybody give him some room! - "My Sharona"...

Hi, Casey Wingwall, I'm the owner of the store.

Thank you so much for coming.

Where were you?

I've been texting you for like an hour...

You did? I was... Oh, this is off. - Yeah...

I was in a bar two doors down...

Well, that's fine.

It's not like I'm irked or anything.

I don't want to imply that my hackles are up.

Because my hackles are actually way down.

I just want to get you into the back.

There's a long line of people. Everyone's paid.

I'm gonna get you signing in the back table.

-

Damn, Bobbie. - Casey.

Damn me?

Damn you, Wray!

You have been avoiding me.

What, look, I turned off my phone.

You need me.

No, look...

You didn't book this thing.

You still need me.

I'm only here for the cash.

You need to shut up.

Excuse me... Hi!

Hi... - Hi! I need to get Wray into the back.

We're gonna start signing.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will be signing...

In ten minutes!

Okay, alright. You know what?

That was wonderful, but I am the booker and I will be making that announcement.

Everyone, we will be signing...

In ten minutes!

Thank you. - That's the way it's done.

Really appreciate the help.

Absolutely, my pleasure. - Listen, we've got a long line of people here, so if we could just grab Wray...

And... We could... - What? Where...

Where did he go?

Comic book fight!

Everyone pick a comic book and start throwing them around.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, please don't touch those...

Wray! No, I got it. I know how to do this.

Michael Dorn is here.

Wray, Michael Dorn is here.

Yes, he's talking about his voiceover work in "Verger", and also Kevin Grevioux is here.

I also fixed the banner for you, in the back there.

See? You need me.

I'm so sorry, all we could find was the Spectrum art.

We couldn't find any of the art from...

"What's up, bitch?".

I hate this picture.

You know what, I do need you.

I need you to find that other art.

Okay, I will.

There wasn't anything available online.

She's not gonna be able to find anything.

You're not.

It was only released on VHS and even then, I think it was just an extras feature on the back of...

Truck and Tractor Pull bloopers.

Okay, okay...

Hi!

Who here is good with computers?

Of course, okay, whatever.

How about, really good...

With computers?

Oh, good. What's your name?

Landon. - Landon, follow me.

But, I wanted an autograph...

I'll get you one of mine.

Oh, do you hear that?

Mr. Dorn has been nice enough to read excerpts from Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" for his fans.

Maybe it should be "The Merchant of Venus".

Right?

Right? It's gotta be sci-fi!

Of course...

Trying to get my hackles up, aren't you?

I don't know...

You are.

Don't do that.

Listen, if you need anything, this gentleman over here will help you but keep your hands off his hackles...

He's a marine.

Have fun. Thanks, guys.

You're a soldier...

A marine.

Just got back from Kabul.

Thank you for your service.

How did it serve you?

Yeah, I was a soldier on my video game this morning, so thank you for your service...

And thank you for my service.

I gotta say... I loved you in Spectrum!

Are you ever gonna make a movie?

Never.

Never.

Thank you.

So, what's your name?

Marion, sir.

No, sh*t!

My character in the video game's name was Marion this morning.

You weren't sh*t in the rectum, were you?

I was... I'm sorry, it's an inside...

Video game joke...

w*r's not a game.

I know it's not a game.

I mean that there are similarities.

What similarities?

First person sh**t 'em ups.

I mean, I don't get PTSD, but you know...

Actually, if you play long enough, you will dream about it.

So...

I can see that I'm upsetting you.

I'm sorry.

I just want to say...

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, what service are you thanking me for?

Your service...

It's empty if you don't know what you're talking about.

You went to Kabul, right?

Yes, I did. - That service, then.

I thank you...

For that.

Iraq thanks you.

Kabul's not in Iraq.

sh*t.

The other one...

Longest w*r in American history?

Yeah, I know... Is it?

Talibanistan... Ghanistan.

Ghanistan? - Afghanistan.

Thirteen years of combat.

I'm sure it's a common mistake.

Hey...

Do you know what the longest w*r in American history is?

Afghanistan?

You overheard me. She overheard me.

Well, we're not technically still at w*r...

Major combat operations have ended...

And it was officially an operation.

Operation Enduring Freedom.

We still have like 2000 troops stationed over there, so...

Wolf Blitzer over here.

Just take your picture...

This is a picture of Milo Ventimiglia!

Celebrities, please, to the staging area.

If we can get all celebrities to the staged area, please.

Alright! Everybody, welcome to Jammer Comics.

I'm very privileged to be hosting this panel today, on overcoming the bigotry of r*cist stereotypes in hate art.

And here are our panelists, Mr. Michael Dorn, Mr. Kevin Grevioux, and someone who is very nearly Milo Ventimiglia...

Wray Nerely.

I love you, Milo!

Got it.

Mr. Dorn, you're no stranger to sci-fi, of course, and he can currently be seen in "The Merchant of Venice" at the Cerritos playhouse. Just tremendous, by the way. - Thank you, thank you.

Let's talk about the forest god, Tartanos, in "Verger".

Certainly.

Tartanos is a great role, and role model.

I am pretty sure that 50 years ago he wouldn't even exist in animation, or even popular entertainment.

Well if he did, he would no doubt be voiced by a white actor even though Tartanos is black.

That just...

That just rankles me. It's like vocal blackface.

Vocal blackface? - Oh, just...

Just talking about it my hackles are halfway up.

Uh, mine are straight up.

I mean, I get a violent urge every time I think about it.

Could we maybe hear a sample of Tartanos, the warrior king?

Sure.

The squares in that die, dilly dell choppity chair for the keggily king!

Kegel king?

Powerful.

And... And a hero too.

Not some cartoonish outsized punchline predicating on a stereotype.

Wray, let's talk about "What's up, bitch?".

Milo mentioned your character, Rigamarole.

Would you, do the voice for us?

Skip me.

Okay...

We're gonna... I'm gonna go last...

Skip me.

What's... What's up with you, Kevin?

We love you, Milo!

Okay... Uh... Kevin, you are voicing Sparkle, in "The Finicky Dragon".

I will drink your blood, from the husk of your rank and ruined soul.

She's an amazing character.

You know, she really speaks to the damage done by the stereotypical shuck and jive hijinks for cheap laughs.

What it is, is an extended metaphor that actually outlines the...

I guess you would call it the effects of institutional racism.

Oh, racism pisses me off.

It rankles my hackles.

Mine too.

I mean I see red.

Uh, sometimes I black out, and when I come to some place else hours later, I wake up with a blunt object covered in some poor guy's blood.

I do the same thing.

I mean I have to...

Watch the news to see who I've k*lled.

Yeah, I...

Follow the peaceful teachings of MLK.

J...

And lower case R...

Well, uh...

Wray, let's talk about

"What's up, bitch?".

What's up, b...

No, no... He's saying it wrong, it's super...

What? Super bitch?

Well the W's silent, so just "Super bitch".

"Sup... Suppa bitch". - "Super bitch".

It's about uh...

A super...

Female dog...

We miss you, Milo!

And I voice it, it's a lot of fun.

Well I'm sorry everybody, we actually don't have any art from the show, but...

Maybe you can tell us a little bit about it?

No.

No, no... - Yes, yes he can!

Yes he can! Hi, excuse me. Excuse me.

Thank you, thank you so much. - Sure.

Your booker.

I told you, you needed me.

No, I don't. I need you to stop.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I am proud...

To announce...

That we have four... - No.

- Character voices... - Zero characters.

Zero characters! - From this one right here.

Bobbie!

This one is...

Taj.

The su1c1de bomber with Tourette's.

He was tick, tick, tick... Boom!

Okay, what's next?

- Chong! - My cleaner clean any type of clothes!

In my restaurant we'll cook any type of animal.

Okay, and...

- Fey Fey. - Oh, my god! This is so hard!

Get your mind out of the gutter!

I'm talking about my penis.

And, of course...

- Rigamarole. - Bobbie!

Which I did not get a voice for, so...

Oh, thank god.

Let's hear it.

Yeah, I would but I don't know the words...

Get... up.

Okay, I'm up.

- Here. - Oh...

I'll just read this...

Rigamarole...

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?"

"If you tickle us, do we not laugh?"

"If you poison us, do we not die?"

"If you wrong us..."

"Shall we not..."

"Revenge?"

Uh, everyone, stay calm please.

Just a minor blackout.

Where did he go?

Where's...

Where's Wray?

Oh, god. Please, please, please.

I'm not a r*cist, I'm not.

I dated a black girl. She... She was half black.

I don't know what the other half was.

Will you shut up?

One of the Chinas...

But, please. You know what?

She was a r*cist and that's why I bucked off that screw! - Stop talking!

Shut up! This Kn*fe is sharp.

Sweet god! Don't k*ll me! Don't k*ll me!

f*ck! That was some dangerous sh*t, man.

Marion!

Was that a zip tie?

Oh, my god...

Thank you. You saved my life!

Yeah. - You...

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

Now see, you meant it that time.

f*ck...

Rigamarole was a white guy...

Wow.

You know "What's up, bitch?"?

Yeah.

Remember when the Taliban breached the Kabul airport?

Yeah...

It was like the mun... It was the municipal...

Ah, sh*t, stop.

You don't remember sh*t.

When we got back to base...

And after the att*ck, we were f*cked up.

Then I found a VHS tape of Truck and Tractor Pull bloopers on the Pakistan border, at a safehouse next to an Amish gas station.

It was "What's up, bitch?".

And we...

We laughed...

And laughed.

And we watched it every night til the end of our deployment.

Thank you for your service.

It was like I was in Kabul.

No, it wasn't like you were in Kabul.

No, but...

But you don't find... the voices r*cist?

Nah, it's funny.

I mean, if it was, I'd have to kick your ass.

It's a personal rule.

Doesn't matter how much I like you, I'd be obligated to kick your ass.

Roger that.

Can you break it down one more time?

Rigamarole was my favorite. - Yeah?

Oh, sh*t.

My name is Rigamarole.

Let me break it down for you...

Girl...

The human body is...

Sixty percent water...

And I'm about to use every drop of your ass.

Broke it down!

- Open the door! - Oh, Jesus, sh*t!

Hey man, you gotta go. Go! Just go!

We know you're out there!

My name Rigamarole, I got a four alarm fire in my pants, it's arson...

Girl, you the only suspect!

Broke it down!

Oh, girl, that mocha skin...

It has got me fighting a rigid limp.

It is your brown versus my board of erection.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

That was borderline.

It is? - Yeah.

You know what, I'm gonna ask Kevin.

See what he thinks.

I'm coming to get you!

No! But we were in Kabul together!

No, we weren't.

Get in! I told you, you would need me!

Did you hotwire my car?

No.

Maybe...

Yes.