02x08 - Do the D'Dew

[bunniefuu]

Look at me go, leading an army of half-dead zombie warriors on a quest to save a princess.

Now, that is solid hero stuff.

One of your most heroic scenarios, sir.

Legendary.

Totally.

Though you have to admit, when the flesh hits the road, it is feeling just a bit challenging, is it not?

[Growling]

[Groaning]

No, guys. Guys, go around the tree.

Go around.

[Moaning]

I don't know why I bother.

I mean, they're basically useless, aren't they?

Yeah, pretty much.

Although I have noticed they are quite drawn to you, sir.

Maybe it's because you were briefly dead. [Chuckles]

Oh, yes, and why was that, Sid?

Why was I briefly dead?

I told you how bad I feel about that.

You ever gonna let it go?

Oh, you mean like when you let go of the sword and it flew through the air, sticking into my chest, temporarily k*lling me?

So I'll take that as a "no," then.

Right. We're almost to Valencia.

I'm gonna scout ahead to that castle, see if it's truly empty.

Wow. Valencia.

Seems like just yesterday, I was the worst tyrant this land has ever seen.

That was weird.

Yeah, cuckoo bananas. You stay here with Roberta.

I think that's a great idea.

Don't you, Richard?

Hey, Galavant, quick story I want to tell you.

I need your advice.

I really want to kiss Roberta, and stuff, and I think the timing is right.

But did she say she likes me?

Get to the point.

Do... do I ask her?

Do I just grab her and kiss her?

Sneak up behind her in dark clothing, shout "boo," and kiss her when she's screaming?

What? Look, I would love to help you.

I've sort of got more important things to do, okay?

But, no, no, definitely don't do the "boo" version.

It's sort of frowned upon, okay?

I've got to go.

No "boo" version. Good to know.

[Groaning] Look, guys, guys, guys!

Stop! [Groaning stops]

You can't go with me! I'm sneaking.

[Groaning resumes]

No, seriously!

Just... I'm trying to do a secret castle scout.

[Groaning stops]

Just...

[Groaning resumes]

Oh, for the love of God.

[Groaning stops]

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Come on.

[Groaning resumes]

So...

Uh, Bobby, I meant to ask you...

Hey, what's your favorite tree?

Because kids these days are all into oaks, but I like a spruce, and...

Mmm!

Oh, my God.

That was wonderful.

[Roberta laughs]

So, we'll just stand here and listen to this happen, then, I guess.

[Giggling]

Galavant - S02E08
Do the D'Dew

Flag of Truce! Nothing to worry about!

Guaranteed safe passage!

Super poor form to k*ll us!

Will you stop it?

You're making us look like tools.

We are tools... Tools that will be used to make the Valencian swords dull... with m*rder!

Sorry. When I'm nervous, my jokes get kind of weird.

We'll be fine.

Sure, we can't b*at the Valencians with my cousin's toy army, but terms of surrender are always offered before a battle.

Easy-peasy, pudding and pie.

We're gonna pudding and die.

I'll try and pull it together.

This was such a good idea.

I think getting out of the castle was great for us, you know?

There's nothing like a good old w*r camp.

Fresh air, sounds of nature.

And the promise of getting to k*ll people.

It just really gives a man a lift, you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's nice.

What?

Hmm?

Flag of Truce?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What is she doing here?

She's probably come to discuss terms of surrender.

I don't want her to surrender. I want to k*ll her!

Gareth, Madalena.

Princess. And the fool?

Pbht!

Hmm?

Sorry. It's pretty tense in here.

I thought we might discuss terms, avoid unnecessary bloodshed.

Well, I kind of am here for the unnecessary bloodshed.

The rules of w*r dictate that...

God, you're going to be lame about this, aren't you?

Fine. Here are my terms.

Complete surrender.

Hand over your castle, your gold, your jewels, your livestock.

I think that's a bit extreme.

Not done.

All the men of fighting age will be conscripted into our army.

Oh, and I want all the children to put their toys in a pile.

Then I'm going to light it on fire.

[Laughing] Yay! I'm having fun after all.

If I could have a moment.

These terms are impossible!

What choice do we have?

[Sighs]

You're right.

Your terms are monstrous, but I think...

Oh, and one last thing.

I want you to be my new handmaiden.

Your main duty will be cleaning my crown.

That is not your crown.

That is the official crown of the Queen of Valencia, and my mother is its rightful owner.

Settle down, tiny tot.

You're the one who came here to surrender.

You're gonna regret calling me "tiny tot."

Yes! Catfight!

Finally.

I've been waiting two seasons for this.

♪ I don't like you ♪
♪ I really don't like you ♪
♪ I really ♪
♪ really ♪
♪ Really ♪
♪ Really ♪
♪ Want you gone ♪
♪ This won't surprise you ♪
♪ But I despise you ♪
♪ You want to see, step to me, 'cause it's on ♪
♪ I'm thinner, cooler, clearly much crueler ♪
♪ And check out the bling ♪
♪ I'm your kingdom's new ruler ♪

Boom!

♪ Got a jeweler to pimp out your crown ♪
♪ The serf may be up but I'm taking you down ♪

Ooh, yeah!

♪ Enough pleasantry, you're queen presently ♪
♪ But, hon, you're just one of the peasantry ♪
♪ Kosher as bacon and fakin' the funk ♪
♪ You'll just have to deal ♪
♪ Oh, I'll deal with you, punk ♪

[Bells jingling]

♪ I'm smarter, tougher ♪
♪ My biceps are buffer ♪
♪ You're clever, whatever ♪
♪ I'm clever enough-er ♪
♪ Except as a kisser, I've heard you're the worst ♪
♪ I still got the guy ♪
♪ But I had him first ♪
♪ That's not all you've had, now, is it? ♪
♪ The whole feudal system has paid you a visit ♪
♪ Yet it's you who's now royally screwed ♪
♪ You think so, ho? ♪
♪ I know so, prude ♪
♪ Let's see ♪
♪ I've got the sharper weapons ♪

Yeah, right.

♪ I've got the fiercer horde ♪

Right, but...

♪ I've got your Booty pinned against the wall ♪

I've got the...

You've got nothing.

I've got the... The Hero Sword!

♪ That's right, the one king to unite them all ♪

You don't have the bearer of the one true...

Oh, I most certainly do. Don't I, Jester?

[Bells jingling] Uh, yeah.

Word up?

♪ I don't like you ♪
♪ I really don't like you ♪
♪ You really, really, really, really crossed the line ♪
♪ And soon your castle and your ass'll be mine ♪
♪ I don't like you ♪

I will see you on the b*ttlefield.

You challenged this giant army to a fight, and you told them you have the bearer of the sword of the one true king, which, I might add, we don't.

No one knows who it is.

Don't get your bells in a bunch.

I lost my temper.

You heard Madalena's terms.

We have to fight. And we will win.

How, exactly? Our army has no weapons.

We'll improvise.

Tell the people to gather anything we can use as weapons.

And we will make our stand.

All right.

I just wish you hadn't riled up Madalena.

She seemed really pissed.

Queenie, relax. Everything's fine.

Relax?

If the one true king is really on her side, that's bad news.

The prophecy says he who pulls the sword from the stump will unite the kingdoms under his glorious rule.

The prophecy's never wrong. That's just science.

Look, I trained this army.

And they're more than capable of handling some stupid king with some fancy sword.

Don't worry.

Oh, you should worry.

But luckily, we have a secret w*apon on our side, and that secret w*apon is...

Moi.

What?

Prat.

Not only am I the most respected wedding planner in the land, I'm also a practitioner of the dark arts.

A master of the D'Dew.

What's that?

"Dark, dark evil way"... The D'Dew.

Shut up, Barry.

But what he said is right.

Why do you call it "the D'Dew"?

Wouldn't it be simpler just to say "The Dew"?

Good point.

No, no, no. The way isn't just dark.

It's dark dark.

D'Dew is the most powerful force to ever exist.

With it, you can control events, bend them to your will, and turn everything to your favor.

It's also helped me with my stubborn tummy fat.

So, all we have to do is eat this, and we have magic?

No, no. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I see where the confusion lies.

This is cherries jubilee.

Something I was thinking about for your potential wedding, hmm?

Imagine a darkened hall, hmm?

Hundreds of these coming in at once.

Oh, wow!

I'm in.

Yeah... oh, good. Barry, order the bowls.

I meant with D'Dew.

Hold on a minute.

I said I can handle this.

Come on, Gareth. Let's do D'Dew.

Can I have a word with you for a minute?

What? Why?

Look, we've got a good thing going.

Do you want to bring dark magic into this?

I don't know.

A little D'Dew might be exciting.

Spice things up.

This really bugs you, doesn't it?

Yes.

And you're sure you can win the battle without it?

Positive.

Okay.

For you.

Sorry, Mr. Wormwood. No D'Dew.

[Sighs]

I'll find you later.

Both: D'Dew!

[Groaning]

Are you sure they're gone?

Well, it looked empty from the top of the hill.

There's a note.

"Off to inv*de Hortensia. Back in a jiffy."

Looks like we definitely have the place to ourselves, huh, guys?

What's going on with them?

Don't ask.

What's that?

You want to hear how we spent our evening?

No, he really doesn't.

No, I don't.

♪ We went to the lake ♪
♪ Things got kind of snuggly ♪
♪ She led me behind a tree ♪

[All gasping]

♪ He began to shake ♪
♪ It was pretty ugly ♪
♪ I had given up, basically ♪
♪ Then ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ Things began to happen ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ Things involving tongue ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ And the night was still kind of young ♪
♪ Do you want to know more? ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ Can I tell you the rest? ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ You're not gonna believe it ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ But you've probably guessed ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Soon, we found our groove ♪
♪ Still, he kept on trying ♪
♪ Super hot ♪
♪ Well, sad but sweet ♪
♪ Then I made my move ♪
♪ When he finished crying ♪
♪ Swept her ♪
♪ Dropped me ♪
♪ Off her feet ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ We were getting jiggy ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ His word, not mine ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ It only took three bottles of wine ♪
♪ Think she knows how I feel? ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Should I keep my thoughts hid? ♪
♪ Uhhhh ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Should I tell her I love her? ♪
♪ Oops, I think I just did ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ Finally ♪
♪ Finally ♪

Aww.

Well, if you'll excuse us, my girlfriend and I are gonna go inside and, um...

Have brunch.

We're not having brunch.

[Groans] k*ll me.

Not you, Sid. It was just an expression.

Another good one, sir.

[Metal clashing]

I'm ready to do whatever I need to join the dark, dark evil w...

[gasps]

Excellent.

Oh, God, no, sorry.

That's beyond even me.

Oh, fine, give it here.

No, no. It's all right.

I'm just babysitting for one of the kitchen staff.

I was cutting up a peach for the little chap.

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant...

Kcch!

Ah, right, so, the D'Dew. You're interested?

Very. I'm in. Let's d'do it.

Oh, God, that's very funny.

[Laughs] Thank you.

I think with these powers, you'll definitely win the w*r.

And I think you'll find the D'Dew folks a fun group of people to be with.

So, is there like a ceremony or something?

No, you just sign a contract for your immortal soul.

Oh.

Ah, where did I put it?

Ahh.

Here.

If...

[whimpers]

No, no, no. You don't have to sign in blood.

Huh? I just gave you the Kn*fe to hold.

A quill is fine.

[Chuckles]

Yes, but points for enthusiasm, though.

If you could, let's just keep this as our little secret.

There's no reason Gareth needs to know.

No.

Now please step away from the baby.

You really freaked me out before.

Yes, sure, of course.

I want to thank everyone for pitching in and collecting things we can use as weapons.

But we may need to sort through and pick out the best bits.

Okay?

Right.

Pots and pans. Very good for bonking heads.

A couple of spatulas, a whisk.

Weren't there any knives in the kitchen?

No? Shame.

I've got a potato. It's very pointy.

I didn't find any weapons, but I'm really going to give those Valencians a piece of my mind.

Her words can be very cutting.

Well, we don't have much in the way as weapons.

But, uh, we got grit.

And determination.

Yah!

I mean, it's a bit desperate, isn't it?

Come on, guys. Show me something.

There must be more than this aimless amble.

You were soldiers once, weren't you?

Don't you remember any of that?

Huh?

All right, raise your weapons.

[Groaning]

Or not.

Maybe you'll respond to danger!

Aah!

[Thud] Oh, for the love of...

I'm gonna fail.

I'm gonna fail.

[Sighs]

And Isabella is gonna die thinking I don't love her, which isn't true.

I love her to the very fiber of my being.

And she'll never know.

Aww.

I love her.

Looooove.

I came back from the dead for love.

Does love speak to you?

All: Looooove.

Will you follow me for love?

Will you fight with me for love?

All: Love!

Now, who's with me? For love!

All: Love!

Love!

Love!

Love!

Love!

[Speaking gibbering]

Yes.

Well said, my friend. Well said.

Let's saddle up. It's time for battle.

I am ready for w*r.

And not just to sit in a comfy chair and watch up on a hill while eating cucumber sandwiches, although that was delightful.

No, I am actually ready to stand next to you and fight.

Sounds like you found your manhood, Richard.

Bobby found it... A bunch of times, if you know what I'm saying, huh?

Unfortunately, I do.

Ow. [Inhales sharply]

That's really thick armor.

Has anyone seen Sid?

There's this one strap on my armor I can never get.

Oh, sorry.

He asked me to give you this last night.

"I can't stand the shame of having briefly k*lled the greatest hero in the seven realms.

I've left to redeem myself. Sid."

He doesn't need to redeem himself.

I was just giving him a hard t... Damn it, Gal.

Mother always said she never knew when I was joking.

Oh, I hate it when mother is right.

I'm gonna go find him.

Strange being in this room again.

It seems like a lifetime ago I sat on that throne.

So much has changed.

Ah, if I ever got the chance to be a king again, I would do things so differently.

Richard, I have to tell you something.

Hmm?

[Clears throat]

Um...

It's hard to say, but, um...

I can't go into battle with you.

What are you talking about?

Richard, you're not a fighter, and I love you too much to watch you die.

And...You will die.

Horribly.

Mutilated.

Crying blood.

[Scoffs] Okay.

Having soiled yourself with people trying to cut off your head.

People pointing and laughing, gloating on the b*ttlefield.

It's gonna be hideous.

Okay.

It can be quite fun, but not for you.

Got it.

I can't be part of that.

It'll destroy me.

My darling, you worry too much. I'll be fine.

Yes, perhaps a bit less confident after your very charmingly graphic description, but believe me, I'll be fine.

Let's forget this whole battle and leave and go and build a life for ourselves.

My aunt has a farm across the lonely sea, in the shadow of mount spinster.

It's so beautiful. Lots of cats.

We can be happy there.

I can get us one-way tickets, and...

Bobby.

I have to do this.

I can't let Galavant down.

And I can't watch you die.

So, what are we saying?

I think we're saying goodbye.

Let's make this sacrifice worth it.

For love.

For love!

All: Looooove!

♪ It's a dark season ♪
♪ And it's been all along ♪
♪ A grim season ♪
♪ There's no point in pretending ♪
♪ For some reason ♪
♪ We're still singing this song ♪
♪ But this time with a d'doozy of an ending ♪

What just happened?

What?

I thought...

Oh, look, a squirrel!

♪ Now I must ride to... Somewhere ♪
♪ To do something to atone ♪
♪ I'll cross the lonely sea to spend my lonely life alone ♪
♪ Beyond the bitter desert ♪
♪ In the shadow of mount spinster ♪
♪ With a bunch of stupid cats ♪
♪ Now, this season needs a hero ♪
♪ And he's on his way ♪