01x04 - Woulda, Coulda, Almost, What?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Zoe Ever After". Aired January - February 2016.
"Zoe Ever After" follows a recently single mom stepping out of the shadow of her famous boxer ex-husband, while trying to balance dating, motherhood, a complicated relationship with her ex and fulfilling her dream of starting a cosmetics business.
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01x04 - Woulda, Coulda, Almost, What?

Post by bunniefuu »

Zoe: People say you should never go backwards, but those people haven't met Stephen.

After I read that you and Gemini were breaking up, I figured I'd "D.M." you.

Isn't that what the kids are calling it these days?

Zoe: Stephen and I went to college.

He graduated Magna Cum Laude and I dropped out to get my M-r-s.

You know, Stephen, I hope you don't mind, but I checked out your Facebook profile and your relationship status read, "It's complicated."

So either you're going through a breakup too, or you a low-down dirty cheater.

The former, and for the record, she was the low-down dirty cheater.

Oh, that's good.

I mean, that's bad.

Hey, beautiful.

Did you break those wings when you fell down from Heaven?

Hey, buddy, back off, okay?

The lady's not interested.

Maybe not in you.

Looks aren't everything.

I got a package that'll knock your socks off.

Hey, man, you looking for a b*at-down?

Man, please, my night terrors are scarier than you.

Uh, may I?

You better move your t*nk ass away from me or I'll use my Louis Vuitton to poke a new orifice in that ratchet thing you call a face.

Get out of here!

Zoe: I may not have graduated from college, but this girl still knows how to win a debate.

♪ Zoe ♪
♪ Ever After ♪
♪ Zoe ♪

(elevator bell dings)

(elevator bell dings)

(elevator bell dings)

(elevator bell dings)


Ooh, ooh...

This is getting dangerous.

We should take this inside.

Lead the way.

You know if you hadn't dropped out of school to marry Gemini this could've happened a lot sooner.

Well, between your flat top and my freshman 15, it probably wasn't meant to be.

Well, look at you now.

You got your own business, your son, and this place, it's...

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

And we both turned out good, Counselor.

Admit it.

I look fly in that flat top.

You keep telling yourself that.





Wait... and then what happened?

He went home.




No sex?

Why? Was he... wearing a little hoodie down there?


I mean, I... I don't know.

I mean, it didn't get that far.

And you know what, I shouldn't be sharing my sex life with you, Valente, it's unprofessional.

Why don't you check my emails to see if we've heard anything from Lupita's people?

Because, as your social media coordinator, if you decide to get your freak on one night, I should know about it, no offense.

Oh, I am offended.


And you're gonna be unemployed if you don't check them emails.


So, what was Stephen like after all these years?

Girl, exactly like he was in college.

I mean, he's smart, funny...


He was your sweetie in college.


Stephen was Zoe's "woulda, coulda, shoulda".



If she hadn't have been with Gemini, she woulda 'cause she coulda, and in retrospect, she shoulda.


So, when are you gonna?


If you ask me, all this talk is inappropriate in an office that's paid for by your husband.

My ex-husband, and what were you just doing underneath my desk?

Bad news is one of my guys "accidentally" cut the phone wires, but the good news is, now I know where you stash your p*rn.

Oh, my God... That's mine!


I was ordering these magazines for advertising mock-ups.

Yeah, they mine.

I hate to see what's under your desk, buddy.

Why don't you come some night after hours and I'll show ya?

Hello, I'm trying to run a business here... really?

Um, hello, I'm not done with this Stephen thing.

You know, here's a little pearl of wisdom for you.

If the hottest guy from college shows up ready, you need to be willing.

And if not, I'm able.

The timing just wasn't right.

I mean, for one thing, I hadn't properly waxed or trimmed down there.

Well, then get your hairy lady bits over to the Brazilian ladies on Third.

Ask for the Pearly Special.

All right.



I've never had sex with anybody but Gemini.

You know that.

Well, of course.

You were saying "I do" while the rest of us were saying "I don't.

Well, maybe... Okay."


Oh, my God.

You've only had sex with one man?

Suddenly everything I know about you is becoming clear.

You poor, angry, uptight thing.

Let me hold you, baby.

No, no, no, I don't need you to hold me, Valente.

I need you to stay out of my business and get back to work.

All right, well, all I'm saying is the only way to get over a man is to get under another one.

I don't know, y'all.

I need some time to think.

Oh, well, while you're thinking, consider this.

My wedding day is fast approaching.

You mean the one without a groom?

Um, yet.


And I can get a designer dress at a discounted price if you'll let me have a trunk show here, tonight, for the designer, please?

Okay, okay.

But there better not be any veils, chiffon or suicidal brides when I get here in the morning.

Ah, you hear that, Pearl?

You shouldn't come in tomorrow.

(laughing sarcastically)

So what are you going to do about Stephen?

Woulda, coulda, will you?

What you doing?

Calling him.

I'll stay for that.

Come on, somebody.

Do it.


It's Zoe, I was, uh, wondering if you wanted to finish what we started?

Zoe: It's on, y'all.

Time to call the Brazilians.

♪ Zoe ♪

(men grunting)

Hey, Dad!

What's up?

Ow! Hey!

Don't you see my son's talking to me?

Uh, wha... what you need, man?

You know anything about Harriet Tubman?

Uh, uh, yeah, sure.

She helped free a bunch of slaves.

And... ?

And, and I'm not the one writing this paper, you are.

So, you do it.


This isn't history class, we're training here.


Dad, what do you think about Mom having friends who are boys?

I think your mother's a grown woman, she can have any friends she wants.

Cool. She said she was having dinner with a friend from college.

I think his name was Stephen?


From college?

A woulda, coulda, shoulda?

How come you ain't tell me, man?

I just did.

What else don't I know?

Well, you don't know jack about Harriet Tubman.

I'm talking about your mom and Stephen, boy.

I don't know, ask her.

But it'll have to wait.

I heard her tell Pearl she was going to need some Brazilians.



Come on, man, grab my phone, let's go.

♪ Yeah, smack it hard... ♪

Oh, no, you think I should change this dress?

Oh, stop worrying about the dress.

Eye on the prize, girl, meaning if things go well, you won't be wearing it for long.

It's been a minute, Pearl.

I mean, what if I've forgotten how to... you know.

No, I promise, it will all come back to you.

It's just like riding a... man.

He should be here by now.

You think he changed his mind?

All visitors must show three forms of ID.

That's ridiculous.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Oh, I like your hair much better now.

Good news, you can go up... after I get the thumbprint for the background check.

(phone buzzing)


Zoe: Where are you?

In the lobby.

Your doorman won't let me up.

Please do something before he tries to do a cavity search.

Let me talk to him.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I cannot take personal calls during business hours.

Amir, take the damn phone!

Amir here.

You better let my guest up this minute!


Or I'm gonna come down there and kick your ass all the way back to Islamabad.

You can go up now.

Really, this picture, it does not do you justice.

So good looking.

You have got to come and see this.

I found the perfect dress.


It's an Amsale Aida waterfall back size eight.

Ooh, aren't you a ten?

It's my goal weight.


What the hell is she doing with my dress?


Excuse me, but that Aida is spoken for.

Yes, it's speaking to me.


But I had the dress first.

Well, I have it now.

I will take that veil and wrap it around your neck before I let you get that dress!

Pearl, Pearl, P-Pearl, Pearl.

Let me speak to this lovely child of Jesus for you.

Honey, which one of them ham hocks do you think is gonna fit into that size eight dress?

It's my goal weight.


All my life I had to fight, and I will fight you for this dress!

Look, look, I'm pretty sure there are other dresses you could squeeze all that jelly into.

Oh, I'll be squeezing my jelly into this one!

Ooh, I will cut you!

Look, free wedding cake samples!

Where? Where?

Not you! Grab the dress!

Oh, okay.


Oh, my God!


(door opens)

Oh, excuse me.

How did you get in here?

I'm a supermodel, I can get in anywhere.

Zoe: Note to self...

Get a lock for my f*re escape.

Do you always have supermodels climbing through your window?


I guess I'm asking if there's a vacancy in your building.

(elevator bell dings)

Knock knock!

How's it going, man?

Not very far.

What the hell are you doing here?

Your husband called and he said you have rats.


The only rodent problem I have is my ex-husband and you.

Well, this place still technically belongs to your husband, so he has a right to protect it.

My ex-husband.

Well, anyway, he seemed pretty concerned.

He used the words "emergency" and "life or death".

You rich people are so dramatic.

But I can't complain 'cause it's great for business.

Where's your crawlspace?

Maybe I should go.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're not the one who's leaving.



You better get your ass in that elevator, now, before I exterminate you.


I didn't... okay, you two are about to...

Well, you know what?

My apologies.

I'm gonna call your husband and reschedule.

My ex-husband, and I don't have rats.

It's your funeral.

But you'll have to be a closed casket, 'cause the rats are gonna gnaw your face off.

(elevator bell dings)

Now, where were we?

Add the right theme music and it'll look like the start of every p*rn movie I've ever seen.

Get out!


(vocalizing p*rn music)

Wait... you sure you didn't see any rats?

'Cause when I was there I saw a big old rat.

Now, okay, look, maybe if you get your crew down there and...

Hello? Hell...

Look, we gotta go.

Someone's trying to get freaky.

What are you talking about?


I thought this was you.

You know, maybe we should take this in the bedroom, see what kind of toys you got in there.

You know, bedroom would normally be an awesome idea.

But last night I went on a major goldfish binge, yeah, and then I didn't get a chance to change my sheets, and you know those crumbs, they get in places they don't belong and they sting!

Well, I'm not afraid of a few goldfish crumbs.

It might be fun to find them.

I don't know, Stephen.

I saw this thing on the "Today Show" about this guy in Guam that had a nasty infection from stepping on a goldfish.

Or was it a puffer fish?

I don't know, I don't remember.

The point is is that you can never be too careful when it comes to a fish.


Look, if you're not into this, we don't have to.

Look, listen, it's not that.

It's just... oh, gosh, I knew...

I was going to have to share this with you at some point, but...

You, you'd be my first... since my ex.


That's cool, I get it.

You know, it took me a while to get back in the game after my divorce.

No, no, it ain't about getting back in the game now.

It's about you being the only... person other than my ex... ever.

So the only person you have to compare me to is the reigning middleweight champion of the world.

Ha-ha, no pressure there.

Stephen, listen, Gemini's my past...

Hey, Mom!

Hey, Boo-boo!

What you doing here?

I live here, remember?

Oh, and I finished my report, so I'm going to my room to go play some video games.

See you in the morning. I love ya!

I love you.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Do, done, did.

The elevator's here, better hurry up and catch that before the door closes on that one too.

Excuse me.

If anybody is leaving it's gonna be you.

Stephen: It's cool, Zoe.

We'll pick up where we left off when I get back in town next month.

Or not.

Stephen, I'm, I'm...

What the hell is wrong with you?

Wrong with me?


Well, I'm not the one digging up old college boyfriends, and that dude, Z, really?

You could do a little better than that.

He's a bad look.

Where the hell's the apple juice?

I don't buy apple juice anymore because it's full of sugar, and you are full of shit.

Come on, Gemini, we have rules about when you have X and when I have X, and you can't keep breaking 'em just because you're trying to sabotage my damn dates!

Oh, word?


Word, okay, listen, hey, that's fair.

The next time your son says he wants to see his mom's, I'ma tell him, "I'm sorry, my man.

She's too busy boning some fake frat dude."

And you need to stop using X as an excuse for your jealousy.

Oh, jealousy?

Oh, yeah.


Jealous, very, very...

That big fake Ken doll looking dude?

You crazy, get outta here.

That's like implying there's some kind of way we're on the same level.

I don't breathe the same air as that punk.

Get over yourself.

How can I when you can't get over me?


I know you're not over me yet, Z.

Well, I'm trying to be but you keep poppin' up!

I ain't over you.

I can't get over the fact that I walk into my house and see some dude on my couch looking at my wife.

You're not over me.



Hey, what's up, baby?

Do you want some more, huh?


I can't believe I fell for the okey doke.

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, man.

There's my girl, always salty, damn.

You want something from the fridge?

Other than, you know, real food?


I want you to go home, Gemini.

You serious?


I mean, it's bad enough I let this happen.

I don't want X to see you and get confused.


You seriously about to throw all of this out in the middle of the night like some cheap trick?

Exactly, except I'm not paying you.


Come on, baby.

You know you enjoyed it.

I did, but I mean...

But what?

We're divorced, and we can't keep blurring the lines.

Just 'cause we signed some little papers, that don't erase 20 years of us doing what we do.

Me making you mad...

Because you've done something ignorant.

And then I h*t your spot and make it all better.

Then you fall asleep, and while you're in dreamland, I lay awake, resenting you, and fantasizing about the many way I could k*ll you and get away with it.

My favorite is when you get h*t by a falling piano.

But that's only because I like "Looney Tunes".

That's dark, baby.

Well, you sent me to some dark places, G.

You can't just come up in here anymore and wave your little Gemini around and expect me...

Ain't no little, ain't no little.

Well, we got divorced for a reason, a reason I'm sure I will remember once you put your shirt back on.

So you gotta go.

Wait, you seriously about to kick me out of my own damn house.

This isn't your house anymore, and I'm not your wife.


Oh, okay.

Come on, G, don't be mad... don't be mad at me.


Well, this isn't easy for me either.

Hey, it sure seems easy... (chuckling) ... from where I'm standing.

I mean, you got the best of both worlds, Z.

You're living in my house, driving my car, spending my money on dilapidated buildings and stupid ass businesses that don't even make no damn money.

My business is not stupid, you stupid.

You know what, you're right.

You're so right, I'm stupid.

I'm stupid for wasting my time thinking there was something to save here.

Nah, I get it now.

Now, you wanna move on.

You want me out of your life.

Careful what you wish for, love.

♪ I'd love to find, love to find, love to find ♪
♪ Love to find love ♪
♪ Love to find, love to find love ♪

Just drink a little bit.

Drink a little bit for Daddy.

Come here.


Oh, hey, Zoe.


What's wrong with Pearl?

There was a fight.

And the dress lost.

But I won.

With a little sewing, and a few strategically placed Swarovski crystals, I'm gonna be the most beautiful bride on the happiest day of my life.

It's all coming together.

It's going to work.




Ok, enough with the bride of Frankenstein, so, hum, how was your tête-à-tête last night?

Is it safe to say you were properly deflowered?

Let's just say, I definitely got screwed.

Yeah, people say you should never go backwards.

I should really start listening to those people.
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