01x11 - Swine Song

[bunniefuu]

So, how was your week off?

Oh, Jamaica was amazing.

[Laughs]

I totally got my groove back.

Ah-huh, okay.

But I think I left it on the plane.

Ahh.

How was your trip?

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Rizzo and I went on a boys' trip to the Amsterdams.

We ain't talking about it.

Yolanda: You guys.

Hey! Good morning, everybody!

Hey, good morning, Kermit.

Pepé: Oh, buenos dias, Kermit.

Oh, wow, somebody looks like they had a good vacation.

Aw, yeah. Yeah, it was great, you know?

Denise and I just stayed home, played board games.

Yolanda: Ah.

Um, actually, was talking to that super-tan, relaxed spirit next to you.

Love your puka shells.

Want to grab a coconut water?

Oh?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, listen, guys. I got to talk to Piggy. Has anybody seen her yet?

Yolanda: Nope.

No, not yet. No.

Yeah, my vacation was great. Thanks for asking.

Today, I'm gonna have a tough conversation with Piggy.

Over the break, I told Denise I was gonna draw some clear boundaries between work time and personal time and make more time for us.

Uh, I think it made her happy.

Oh, I'm so excited about boundaries!

[Screams]

Mm-hmm.

Uh, it was a long, somewhat boozy game of monopoly.

[Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

Piggy, did you leave any ponchos in Argentina? [Sniffs] Oh.

[Groans] That one reeks of goat.

Lavandería.

Deadly: Hm?

That means laundromat.

[Dog barks]

So, I spent my time off in Ar-hen-tina. [Giggles]

Cruising around Tierra del Fuego.

Oh, it was so transformative.

When I looked out at the vast sea and ice...

[inhales sharply]

I was overcome by just how insignificant...

Other people are.

Deadly, how could one trip change me so completely?

I am totally over Kermit.

Just... done!

Mm-hmm.

[Penguin squawks]

[Screams]

[Dog barks]

Oh God, woman.

What have you done?

I saved a penguino.

He was homeless, Deadly, living on that frozen beach.

He didn't have a coat.

He didn't have a hat.

But he does have a poncho, I see.

[Penguin squawks]

His name is Gloria Estefan.

Hmm?

It was the only Spanish name I could think of in the momento.

[Sighs]

[Penguin squawks]

Uh, no.

Ow. Don't.

Stop. Let go.

Cease. Desist.

No...

[Knock on door]

Miss Piggy, I need to have a word with you, please.

Kermit!

Buenos nachos, mi peque-a-rana.

What? Hm?

She thinks she can speak Spanish now.

It's a nightmare.

A nightmare.

[Clears throat] Uh, well... well, listen, Piggy.

I-I am going to be drawing some better boundaries between my work and personal life, so tonight, I will be leaving at 8:00 P.M. sharp because I am running a charity 5k with Denise in the morning.

That's wonderful, Kermit.

It is?

Sí!

If I learned anything from my travels, it's that work-life balance is so important.

Oh.

And good for you for running for charity.

My cause is saving the penguins.

Hmm?

Like this one I brought back in my cosmetics tote.

[Penguin squawks, dog growls]

Aah!

Well, gee, I'm really happy you went to Argentina, Piggy.

Th-this was a great talk. All good news.

Bad news, Kermit! The network president Huh? stopped by and walks to talk to all of us.

Uh-oh. [Sighs]

Hmm.

Well, that was perfectly timed.

Oh, thank you so much!

You know, I've been working on my comedic entrances in my improv class.

[Clears throat]

Haven't gotten to exits yet?

No.

No.

♪

[Ding]

♪ Ooh! ♪

Yeah!

♪ Unh! ♪

Oh, Kermie!

Oh.

It's time to get things started.

♪ Ha ha ha! ♪

So I just wanted to drop by to say how amazing the network thinks the show is.

Oh, did you hear that guys?!

That's so nice to hear!

That's wonderful!

Here's the thing, you guys.

Hmm?

We watched it, and it's kind of talky.

W-w-well, I-it's a talk show.

I know. Right?

Yeah.

There's so much talking.

So I brought Pache, our branding guru.

He has branded Katy Perry, Key and Peele, some w*rlord, and that dog on Instagram whose tongue keeps on sticking out.

So I know what a branding guru does, Mm-hm. but, um, maybe you should explain it to everyone else.

I'm not sure they know.

I make old things relevant.

What? What did he just say?

What did you just say?!

Yes. Fun!

So I'm gonna leave you guys to really get into it.

And think of Pache as a part of the family.

But the dad. Okay.

Animal: Uh-huh.

Bye.

Animal: Daddy?

[Groans]

So, uh...

So, yeah.

I'm Pache. Spelled exactly how it sounds... p-i-double-z-a.

Uh, wait a minute. That spells pizza.

Others: Yeah.

It's Pa-che!

Rizzo: That's not a name.

Branding 101... build your brand on an already established brand.

Uh, yeah, but pizza's not a brand.

Uh, Domino's... that's a brand.

Yep.

Dr. Teeth: Pizza Hut!

Animal: Chuck E. Cheese!

Or Little Caesars!

Look. I'm gonna update your show.

Your audience is old.

Scooter: What?!

(Disbelieving mutters)

Um, so, here's what I was thinking...

So we're gonna bring in some sexy outside elements.

For starters, we're gonna replace the sidekick bear with a YouTube kid who plays video games and makes noises with his mouth.

Kermit: Hold on a second.

Fozzie is the... is the backbone of our show!

I can make noises with my mouth! Watch this!

[Sighs] I am so fired.

Yes.

Next, I'm thinking we do every show live so that people can tweet at you in real time.

Y-yeah, well, the thing is that everyone here is not tech-savvy.

You know?

Yolanda: It's true.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Siri!

Siri?

Anyway, I got a ton more upgrades, but I got to go see Pharrell's hat guy.

He's my boy. I'll tweet you the rest.

[Groaning]

Relax, everybody. The show's not changing.

That guy doesn't know anything.

Kermit: Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be fine, everybody.

Uh, come on, Piggy. Let's go call my friends who worked with this guy.

Well, this bird will never tweet.

Tweets are to signal danger or request nourishment from mother bird.

Mm.

Call home!

Pache? Yeah. Yeah, he d... he did some work on the show.

Uh, why? What's up?

The, uh, network sent him to us today.

T-today?

Oh, he's here.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Yeah, no, yeah.

Uh, cool.

Cool.

Cool. Yeah. Cool.

Cool, cool, cool. No, no, totally cool.

Yeah, super cool. It's cool.

Um, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah. That's cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Kermit: Guys? What's going on?

Uh... Testing, testing.

No, there's nobody there.

Uh, what's wrong?

Yeah, that dude is crazy.

Jordan: One day we're just doing our show, and then some network lady shows up with Pache and muffins.

They were delicious, but then Pache just starts just going on about memes...

YouTube jackasses and... and... and he wants us to wear Bermuda shorts?

I mean, we're like... we're like, "no."

And then... sha-doink!...

The show was canceled.

Sha-doink... canceled?

Sha-doink... canceled.

Now he and I share a one-bedroom and sell oven mitts on Etsy.

Yeah, we sell 'em, but we seem to be having a lot of trouble shipping them!

Okay.

See, he takes one $35 sewing class at the learning annex and all of a sudden, I'm the shipping guy.

Yeah, that's right. Everyone in this room who can do a whip stitch, raise your hand.

Oh, no? Ker... no? No?

Just... it's just me?

Then that means everybody else goes to the post office.

Okay.

Kermit, new plan.

Yeah?

We need to do everything Pache says.

Aw, Piggy, no.

Kermie, yes.

My show can't go sha-doink!

I just discovered how fun the world can be for single famous people! [Scoffs]

Well... uh... Uh... uh... excuse me, guys.

Yeah.

Go get her.

[Cellphone buzzes]

We sold... we sold some mitts.

That's huge. That's huge!

We sold some mitts. Yes, yes.

Piggy!

Kermit, I am not going to lose this show.

We have to do everything Pache says.

We have to YouTube and Periscope and update everything!

[Stammering] Piggy, no, no, no...

Snapchat, tweetable moments, Oculus Rift, selfie stick!

Piggy! Piggy! Piggy!

Okay, now you're just saying stuff that your niece says.

Pache says that the show isn't relevant.

And I'm the show, which means...

I'm not relevant.

No, no, no. Don't worry.

I-I'm gonna gather the g*ng and we're gonna stay right here as long as it takes to update the show our way.

[Sighs]

Ohh.

Why is it so cold in here?

Mm. Gloria Estefan needs it cold or she gets lethargic.

[Penguin squawks]

Gloria Estefan is here?

[Scoffs] Ay! This is no good.

I've written her some pretty intense letters over the years.

[Sighs]

In you go. Ahh.

I am not happy about spending the night with you, Gloria Estefan.

[Penguin squawks]

And that's not the first time I've said that.

[Squawk]

[Chuckles]

Ooh.

Finally. Mmm.

[Sips]

[Thud]

Ahh. There's the old familiar burn.

[Sighs]

[Slurping]

What? No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no! [Groans]

[Squawks]

You've ruined my Martini!

That is it! [Groans] I've had enough!

[Squawks]

As my mother used to say, let's let the old boob tube do some of the heavy lifting.

[Squawking]

Ahh.

Mm.

Now Daddy gets his gossip mags.

[Squawk]

Ooh.

[All groaning]

Hey, remember, everybody.

There are no bad ideas.

Other than the ones we've been pitching here for the last three hours.

Okay. The network wants splashy, right?

Yeah.

So what if we flood the studio?

Huh? Huh? Like Cirque du Soleil!

Oh! Or how about cirque du fillet?

Yi!

[Grunts]

Guys, this is not the way around Pache.

Mwah!

W-we just need to make a few tweaks to our show that makes us happy.

Something classy. Nothing too drastic.

Piggy: Yoo-hoo!

Consider me updated!

Doesn't this make me look young?

No.

But... it's the full Miley.

[Humming]

Fozzie: Why is she...

Rizzo: Oh, no.

Kermit: Uh, uh, Piggy?

Twerk it, twerk it, twerk it, twerk it.

Piggy. Piggy!

Hmm? What, what?

Uh, yeah, I-I think you're spiraling here.

All right... Uh, let me go, uh, get What? you a robe, and, uh... Everybody else, Spiraling? What are you talking about?

Just think!

Hmm.

Hmm.

[Pen clicks rhythmically]

[Taps rhythmically]

[Bobo scatting a bass line]

Yolanda: Hey...

Fozzie: Huh?

[Scatting continues]

Yeah, I dig that!

Zoot: Yeah.

Gonzo: Yeah.

[Scatting] Bom-bom-bom-bom!

[All scatting "The Muppet Show" theme]

Piggy, we have everything we need right here.

We don't need any of Pache's slick outside elements.

We need more of this.

We'll just make our friends more a part of the show.

Wait. You want me to share my stage?

Well, you'll still be the heart of the show.

We're just adding a little more joy like this.

[Scatting continues]

Hey, we could even get Key and Peele to do the show tomorrow.

The show? We'd love to be in the show!

We were using the shower in your green room.

You forget how good hot water feels.

[Scatting continues]

[Laughter]

Kermit: All right, everybody. Let's get to work!

You want us... you want us in there?

Yep?

Want us in there? 'Cause we'd be more than happy to... contribute.

[All snoring]

Kermit!

Huh?

Oh!

Denise!

Uh... oh, no. I missed your 5k run!

No, no, yes, you did!

Uh, but...

Oh, Kermit.

Denise!

Okay.

Yesterday, you said that you were gonna draw boundaries and spend more time with me.

I-I know.

But instead, you blew me off and... and spent the night at work, curled up with your ex?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but I-I am so sorry, you know?

And... and all I can think of to say is...

You sure look pretty after a 5k run.

[Groans] Do you know how long a 'k' is?

Because I did not.

The only thing that kept me going was pretending that the ground was your face!

All: Whoa!

Piggy: Denise, can I offer you some advice?!

I just got back from a life-affirming trip... Don't...

Piggy! Not now!

Lo ciento!

That means "I'm sorry!"

I told her all about the boundaries... I really did.

And then we had This crisis at work, and... a-and I promise, it'll never happen again.

I-I-I'm so sorry.

I know all about Pache.

And I know all about you having to work late.

Oh.

I-I guess I forgive you.

[Sighs]

Oh.

Aww.

I just...

I want to feel like a priority, you know?

Hey, I hear ya!

I'm the youngest of nine!

Thanks a lot for that, Carl!

You asked.

[Theme music plays, applause]

So, it's the big show, and I have butterflies in my stomach.

A-ah, seriously, when I'm nervous, I stress-eat butterflies.

They have a lot of carbs.

And we are back!

So, we're trying out some new things here tonight and thought it might be fun if we sent out our writer Pepé to drive an Uber cab and pick up some unsuspecting customers.

♪ It's Pepé the Uber Driver ♪

Let's take a look, shall we?

So where are you headed?

It's his birthday, and so we're celebrating.

Uh-huh.

Oh! What, the big 6-0?

No.

[Laughs]

No, no, no. 4-0.

4-0.

No, come on.

No, seriously. 40.

Yeah.

What happened to your hair?

[Beep]

Oh, my God.

I can't believe... Edward James Olmos?!

I'm your biggest fan!

Oh, hey, look. I'm not Edward James Olmos.

Oh. Sí, sí, sí.

Where to, Mr. James Olmos?

[Beep]

You know, you can unbuckle. I don't mind.

[Beep]

What, are we going to visit our boyfriends?

Oh, she has a boyfriend, but I don't.

[Electronic dance music plays]

[Laughs]

I love the Ubers!

[Laughter] Thank you, Pepé.

♪ It's Pepé the Uber Driver ♪

[Laughter]

That was great, Pepé!

Oh, gracias.

Yeah!

These new remote bits are gonna be really fun.

Yeah.

Sí, sí, but, ah... what happened between me and the blue dress when the camera stopped rolling...

Yeah?

...that was dead serious.

[Laughter]

And now, our stage manager, Bobo, will do a dramatic reading from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

[Sighs]

Yeah, yeah, well, you know, I hope this works out, going against Pache.

I mean, the wife just had me put in a new pool, which makes sense.

She's the one home using it while I'm working my tail off paying for it.

So fingers cr... wish me luck.

Tonight, Nene Leakes' eloquent description of Kenya Moore's new rental home.

[Clears throat]

"I was shocked, honey."

[Light laughter]

"I was in tears, girlfriend, 'cause it had a white refrigerator."

[Light laughter]

"I was like, 'ooh, child, mnh-mnh.' not a white refrigerator. Girl, please go put your shoes on. Let's go find you a home, honey."

[Laughter]

Kermit: Oh, nice. Yeah.

Gonzo: Yeah.

[Laughs]

Oh, I got to give it to you, Kermit.

Your version of the show's a little quaint, but it's cute!

What's up next?

Uh, well, let's see here.

After this, we go to commercial, and then it's Key and Peele.

Yeah, no. They had to bail.

What?

I got them a meeting pitching their mitts on "Shark t*nk."

Cuban's godfather to my illegitimate daughter.

Wait a minute. You sabotaged the show, Pache. Just because we didn't try your ideas doesn't...

Guess what, Kermit.

The network president's here.

[Gasps]

Yeah.

Got to go, buddy.

[Sighs]

Oh. Oh, no.

[Applause]

Hey, Kermit.

I went to get Key and Peele and they're gone.

They also took all our Toblerone and toilet paper.

This is not good, Scooter.

I-I got to go talk to Piggy.

[Scooter Sighs]

[Kermit Sighs]

[Sighs]

Kermit, everyone seems to love the show!

I think we did it!

[Sighs] We almost did, but thanks to Pache, we lost Key and Peele.

You need to do something to fill the time.

What?! But I don't have anything prepared, and I can't dance in this dress. It's just for posing!

Okay. We got one minute till I know, Piggy, but... we're on, folks. Got to go.

Hm?

Oh, boy. [Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Sighs] W-what if we do one of the old songs?

You and me? We...

Mm-hmm. we haven't done that in years.

I know, but... well, there's some things you never forget.

Bobo?

Yes, ma'am.

Go get Kermit's banjo.

All right, I'll do it this time, but any further requests should go through my agent.

I'm talent now.

Right.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

So, I have a little bit of surprise for you all.

An old, yet relevant friend is going to make his first formal appearance on my show.

Forgive him if he's a little green.

[Banjo plays]

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Oh, she don't like her eggs all runny ♪
♪ She thinks that crossin' her legs is funny ♪
♪ She looks down her nose at money ♪
♪ She makes a face when my jokes are punny ♪
♪ She's my baby, I'm her honey ♪

[Laughs]

♪ Never gonna let her go ♪
♪ Oh, he can't dance, but he still gets funky ♪
♪ He's a whacked-out weirdo and a love-bug junkie ♪
♪ Clears out a room when he's broken out a tune ♪
♪ Eats soup with a fork and a spaghetti with a spoon ♪
♪ He takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin' ♪
♪ Never gonna let him go ♪
♪ In spite of ourselves ♪

[Rhythmic clapping]

♪ We'll end up sitting on a rainbow ♪
♪ Against all odds ♪
♪ Honey, we're the big door prize ♪
♪ We're gonna spite our noses right ♪

Hey, hey. Look, you see what I'm seeing?

♪ Off of our faces ♪

Sí, sí.

Sparks are flying with the old pig...

Yep.

...and the new pig is not having it.

Nope.

♪ There won't be nothin' but big old hearts ♪
♪ Dancin' in our eyes ♪

[cheers and applause]

Mm.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Nice work, Pache.

I know.

[Sniffling]

That's just adorable! [Laughs] Huh?

What? I'm just crying because I'm thinking about the w*r.

Oh.

[Cries]

[Indistinct talking]

Uh, excuse me. Uh, everybody?

Uh, listen. I just got off the phone with the network, and they loved our new take on the show!

[Cheering]

Floyd: Hey, what do you know about that?!

Cheers, mon capitán!

I think we'd all like to see more of you on the show.

Aw.

And the rest of you, too.

If I knew your names, I'd praise you all individually.

But since I don't, cheers!

All: Cheers! All right.

Cheers, everybody! Ah, thanks, guys.

Oh! Oh! Denise, there you are.

I-I looked all over for you.

Yeah. I, um...

I had to get some air.

Oh.

That was, um, some song you sang with Piggy.

Well, it-it was just an old corny number. [Chuckles]

Yeah, I'm not really talking about the song.

Hmm?

I'm talking about the way you looked at her when you sang it.

W-what do you mean? Uh...?

Oh, Kermit. You might not see it, but everybody else does.

Oh, uh... Denise, it-it... it's really just a-a-a happy little song that we used to do back in the day, and...

Yeah.

I think you should take some time to think about things, and...

So should I.

[Sighs]

Uh... But... Denise?

[Sighs]

[Laughing]

Oh, come on. Pablo's not a name!

Did I feel anything for Kermit during that song?

I mean, I don't know.

But chemistry's never been our problem.

Uh, let me put it this way... when you're alone at the bottom of the world, looking out over the glaciers of Antarctica, and you think about all the people who live there, without their own shows, well...

[inhales sharply]

It makes you glad... you've got your own show.

And that's sorted.

[Whimpers]

Gloria Estefan, what's the matter?

Oh, I think he misses his amigos back in ol' Ar-hen-tina.

Oh. Well, Gloria.

If there's one thing that I can understand about you, it's loneliness.

[Sighs]

There, there.

Uh, two Martinis, please.

Oh, I'm way ahead of you, pal.

Ooh.

[Gasps]

There you go. I'm not sharing again.

Hey, you know, I remember how I felt when I was plucked out of my litter and sold to one of those puppy party companies.

Hmm.

Those bachelorettes get real grabby.

[Vomits]

Oh, Gloria Estefan, you've gotten sick on my suede boots.

A... and that is not the first time I have said that.

[Sighs]