01x13 - Grinder V Grinder

[bunniefuu]

It's over, Sebastian. You're going to death row.

Put me on the stand.

I told you, that is su1c1de.

Sebastian: Put me on the stand!

I begged you to take that deal!

The Grinder I used to know didn't take deals.

He made deals and won cases.

In law school, they teach you one very important thing: always keep one in the chamber.

Well, I've got bad news.

Click, click.

Sebastian: Wow.

I never thought I'd live to see the day.

What did you just say?

Never thought I'd live to see the day.

And the victim never thought he would live to see this day.

Guard!

Guard: Open the gate!

Get Judge Jimenez!

We've got one last witness to call.

Right there. See that?

No, I-I wasn't watching, uh, since this is apparently what we do every night now.

So you missed the "What did you just say?" moment.

I don't know what that means.

What's the "What did you just say?" moment.

Well, the m*rder had to have happened at night, which means my client is innocent.

But there was no way for me to put it all together until Sebastian Cole uttered that phrase.

Woven together so nicely.

So smart. I mean, wow.

So you needed to hear the word "day" to...

To trigger the entire solution.

I mean, I honestly thought you were gonna lose.

I thought you were gonna win like you do every time.

You thought I was gonna win, but you didn't know.

Yeah, you couldn't have possibly seen that coming.

Uh, well, buddy, I-I actually think you can see it coming 'cause The Grinder never loses.

But he can.

But he doesn't.

But he could.

But he won't?

Not on my watch.

So, our client is owed several weeks' back pay.

All right. So let's subpoena the payroll records and move on.

Or...

Oh, that's perfect timing.

We don't play by their rules.

Well, that sounds intriguing.

Uh, no, Dad, it's not intriguing.

And, Dean, it's not their rules. It's the law.

Yeah, look, we could subpoena their financial records.

We could get some information.

But it would make us look desperate.

Or does it make it look like they have something to hide?

Oh, my God, what's happening?

Timothy Olyphant.

Oh. You're here, at my job.

You're not welcome here, son.

No, Dad. You know what? It's okay.

I got this. Let me guess.

You're on a hiatus week from the show, and you've come back again to see your girl.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

That's what we all thought.

Yeah, maybe you should wait for me outside.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be talking in your meeting.

Yeah, that's right, because we're talking about real legal stuff, not fake TV legal stuff.

You do know there's a difference, right?

But do you? Because you're both...

Yeah, Claire, we get it.

We're both just TV lawyers to you.

To everybody.

To everybody!

Well, unlike my counterpart, I've never lost a case.

He's already blown a huge one in episode three!

Uh, I had a professor in law school that said, "You're not really a lawyer until you've lost your first case."

Sorry, I don't... I don't know why I weighed in on that one.

Oh, I didn't mean to step on anyone's toes, buddy.

If we hadn't just done an episode about it, I wouldn't even be chiming in.

Hang on, everybody.

Timothy's just done an episode about it.

Please enlighten us.

Well, what I was just saying is, the way we did it was first we called their bluff.

Uh-huh.

And then we filed for what's called... if I remember correctly... a tecum injunction?

No.

Stewart: Yes, actually.

Uh, close, Tim.

It's a duces tecum subpoena.

That's it.

That's weird.

That could actually help us here.

Yeah. Good job, babe.

Stewart: Thank you, Tim.

If it helps, yeah, use it.

My gift to you, huh?

Dean: It's-it's crazy.

The guy has done four episodes. Now he thinks he's a lawyer.

Really outrageous.

It's embarrassing.

I mean, he must be a crazy person.

I love that you think this is insane.

Stew, you're telling me that an actor who's played a part for four weeks has the same amount of experience as a guy who's played the part for eight years?

I think someone without a law degree is just as qualified as someone else who also doesn't have a law degree.

Okay, say you're choking to death in a movie theater.

Two rows behind you sits Anthony Edwards.

Please, Dean. I do not want to have this conversation with you.

It's a totally different argument this time.

The row in front of you sits Goran Visnjic.

Dean.

A man who also played a doctor on that same show, but only at the end, when they weren't even telling medically-driven stories anymore.

Yeah, and that's when they lost me.

So I ask you.

In whose hands would you put your life?

Lizzie: I'll take Edwards.

All day long.

Yeah, I mean, given the very specific parameters...

I would have to choose Edwards.

I agree with the family. Edwards, of course.

So in the Grinder universe, is it not true (voice distorting, fading) that I would be the uber-qualified Anthony Edwards to Tim Olyphant's vastly inexperienced Goran Visnjic?

In whose hands would you...?

Really? You want him to come by the office more?

If he wants. You know, just to maybe learn some stuff about the show.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

What am I doing?

No, I like it.

You do?

It's good.

Good, 'cause this was gonna be exhausting.

Yeah.

Trying to be the back-and-forth thing.

Yeah, my only hesitation is that Tim's been kind of clingy lately, so I don't know that spending more time with him would be...

No, I totally get it, but this is...

No, a great opportunity, you're right.

And we don't need him a lot.

You know, maybe he does a couple pop-ins, you know, two, three chime-ins, that's it.

Okay. I'll call him.

You know?

Okay, good. Thank you.

Stew, you mind if I cut out early?

I got the election coming up, and I got to set up the room.

The room?

Yeah, the Matterhorn Room at the Boise Garden Suites.

And we do what now?

Claire, this is the president of the Boise Valley Senior Fishing Society. Come on.

Stan Grady's gunning for my chair.

Dad, we will be there, because if something is important to one of us, it's important to every damn one of us.

And we don't question that.

Mornin'.

Oh, come on!

Please, continue. I am a fly on the wall.

Wait. He's sitting now?

Yeah, he-he just came to observe.

Remember that you said that you wanted to, uh...?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, I thought it would be good for the...

For the role?

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, and, plus, you know, I'm gonna be in town now every week hanging with Claire, so...

Wait. What? Every week?

Well, since we're getting more serious, I worked it out with the show.

They're gonna film all my scenes Monday through Wednesday, so I can be here the rest.

Oh. That's great.

This is absurd.

I should probably go talk to him.

No.

(sighs)

This one's on me, guys.

Dean, wait.

Tim, what do you want?

I just want to learn.

Don't overthink it.

The shows a hit, people love it, critics love it.

Not my biggest critic.

Yourself.

I'm just acting.

I'm not inhabiting the damn role.

I'm on that set, I'm saying my lines, but I don't believe myself.

Does the audience? Sure. Every time.

But not me.

If acting were easy, we wouldn't be doing it.

We're junkies for the challenge.

Look, I've only caught a couple of episodes of NOLA...

Mm-hmm.

But what I have noticed is, when you're playing anger, you're doing a lot (shouts) of yelling!

On the jury box like this!

That sells outrage, yes.

Yeah.

But what if you brought it all down here (whispering): and let the words play the emotion?

Down here?

Yes.

Yeah, this feels dangerous.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

I could explode any moment.

Not at any moment. The expl*si*n has to...

(shouts): cut against the b*at!

(shouting continues)

This is gonna be fun.

It's already fun.

It's on.

Showtime.

Then you take it off in one fell swoop.

You have to show it to me again, 'cause I didn't even see it 'cause it hardly happened.

Let me give it a sh*t. I mean, I'm gonna make it my own.

But you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Hey, uh, Dean, Tim. Uh, what are you guys doing?

I'm just teaching Tim some tricks of the trade.

Hello, Counselor.

Oh, yes! Exactly like that.

You guys are f... are friends then now? You're not...

I thought you were fighting.

You guys were so mad at each other.

Nah. Tim and I had a little chat, and I realized something very important.

I'm The Grinder, Mm-hmm.

But he's The Grinder's brother.

Which means I should be teaching him everything I know about life, love and the law.

Yeah, that's nice of you to do for your brother.

The better I am, the better the show is.

Right? I mean, it's better for everyone.

Ooh, T.O., what do you say we go into the courtroom, I show you how to hop on the jury box.

Olyphant: Take it easy, Stew.

Yeah, you're gonna see me in, like, two seconds, Tim.

I'm following you.

Your Honor, we would like to dismiss juror number four.

Ooh.

Oh, uh, Your Honor, um, a motion to hang on a sec.

Guys, what are you doing?

One second.

(whispering)

No, we like her. We think she's got an honest face.

What? It's normal.

It's a regular face.

Plus, she's wearing a cross around her neck.

The non-fanatical religious are always less likely to...

Both: Send someone to the chair.

Adams: Uh, Mr. Sanderson, as much as I like watching the process here, I could use an answer on juror number four.

Uh, yes. Apologies, Your Honor.

We would still like to excuse her.

Can't lead a horse to water.

Mm-mm.

(sighs)

Stewart: Now there's two of 'em.

Yeah, no, I was counting.

And they're, like, in love with each other, honey.

I mean, how-how does that happen?

Well, pretty sure you brought that on yourself.

Yeah, I know. I was just trying to give him a little taste of what it was like.

Right.

And now I would k*ll to go back to having just one actor at the firm.

Why don't you turn them against each other?

I'm listening.

Well, I mean, they're both used to being the star, right?

So why don't you just remind them of that and... let them destroy each other?

Oh, hon, that's dark.

Yeah?

But awesome.

Right?

Yes.

What could he possibly be showing him?

I hate him so much.

We got to get him out of here.

Okay. I know. Uh, follow my lead here.

(clears throat) All right, let's talk some law.

Both: Love to.

Excellent.

So, uh, who do we call to the stand first?

Dean, you must have some thoughts on this.

Uh, the daughter. She's cute, um, not threatening.

People, uh, like her. People aren't gonna want to see her suffer.

Tim, you got something.

I don't know. You sure?

'Cause it feels like maybe you were leaning in a different direction than Dean.

I was just thinking maybe we should go after the boss.

It's like prison.

You take down the toughest guy first.

Claire: Huh.

Dean, what-what's your reaction to that?

Yeah, do you think Tim is wrong?

Uh, well, um, on TV, uh, y-you would do that.

But real law... and I think this is maybe where Tim is a little inexperienced... um, much different.

Yeah, I get that.

Mm.

I don't know. Is it that different?

Because on my show... and maybe this is where Dean lost his way a little bit towards the end... it's about hooking the audience so that they don't tune out.

All right, I don't like this arrangement anymore.

Well, hey, bro, maybe you should talk to your bro about that, since he's the one who invited me to shadow him.

Is what Tim Olyphant says true?

Uh, it... uh, it is. It is.

But I feel like...

Stop.

I don't need to hear any more. And I don't know why I'm teaching you; you are so far away from being ready for real law.

We're both actors who have played lawyers.

We're, like, you know, the same.

What are you even saying? You have zero real-world experience.

I hate to break it to you, Dean, but you're not a real lawyer.

You're still just a guy pretending to be one.

I'm not gonna lie, Tim, that cut deep.

Probably because what you're saying is true.

I'm not a real lawyer.

But I'm a hell of a lot closer to one than you'll ever know.

I'd disagree with that, but what's the point?

There's no way to settle this.

Uh, what if we, uh, put it to a vote?

Yeah, yeah. Whoever's voted less close to, uh, being a lawyer...

Doesn't come in anymore.

Hmm. I like the stakes.

They feel right.

But a vote won't cut it.

Mm-mm.

Let's settle it in court. Right, guys?

What?

Remember back in law school, we used to have all those mock trials?

Two students would disagree. Mock trial.

I've got the Matterhorn Room at the BG Suites.

I'll just tell the guys to put the election off for an hour.

But what about your presidency, Dad?

This is more important.

And if something is important to one of us...

It's important to every damn one of us. Thank you, Dad.

And we don't question that.

I'm in.

I'm in further.

Todd: Ooh!

Ooh, this is exciting!

Getting away from us again, right?

Yeah, it might be.

You're gonna help me win this, right, babe?

'Cause you don't want me to leave?

Yeah. Sure.

You.

Dean, this doesn't have to be a whole thing.

I can just ask him to leave.

We don't have to have a fake trial about it.

Well, I wish that were on the table, but, sadly, now we do have to have a fake trial about it.

And only one man can win. Yes.

Can win. Yeah.

I'm glad you understand that. One can win.

Yeah. Just one man. Mm-hmm.

What are we doing here?

This has gotten so out of hand.

Three and a half hours last night Tim prepped me for cross-examination.

And then we have to stay afterward for some election we need your dad to win?

I have no idea what's going on.

I'm Claire, by the way.

Oh. Debbie. It's so weird that we haven't met.

I know, right?

You're stalling, Senior.

And you expect us to be the jurors in this nonsense?!

You guys want to vote me out, vote me out.

Just don't take out your frustrations with me on my kid.

Gonna have a hard time being unbiased here, Sanderson.

Okay, so I guess we're having a mock trial between Dean Sanderson and Timothy Olyphant to determine who's closer to being a lawyer in real life.

Is that right, guys?

Yes, Your Honor.

Cool.

Thanks for helping out, Wes.

You're a lifesaver, sir.

No, thanks for including me in this.

This is gonna be fun.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am not a real lawyer.

For me to posit that I am one would be a violation of my ethical responsibilities as an attorney.

I am here to prove that just because a person is not something does not mean that he is not closer to being the thing he is not than... another person.

It's easy for some handsome Hollywood actor to stand here and say, "I'm closer to being a lawyer than he is."

I should know.

Because I am one.

They say an actor lies for a living.

If that's the case, who's lied to you less?

(jurors murmuring)

Ms. Lacoste, how many cases has Timothy Olyphant won for Sanderson & Yao?

None.

And over the past few months, how many cases have I personally won for S&Y?

Also technically none.

I mean, maybe you helped a little.

Maybe I... helped... a little.

(chuckles)

Ms. Lacoste, did you or did you not tell me while we were alone together in your bedroom that my show was more realistic when it came to law than The Grinder: Los Angeles?

Objection, Your Honor. It's The Grinder.

There's no city attached to it because it's not a derivative knock-off looking to cloak itself in the legacy of a television institution.

Sustained?

I'll rephrase.

Did you or did you not say Grinder: NOLA was more realistic, from a legal standpoint, than the West Coast Grinder?

Claire: Yes, I did.

And did you mean it?

No.

Then why did you say it?

I don't know. I guess I just wanted to, uh...

To get in my pants?

Objection, Your Honor.

No one wants to hear that.

Actually, I do.

Shh!

Yes, but is it that bad? I mean, I thought you were saying whatever you had to say to get in my pants.

Objection! Your Honor, this isn't couples therapy!

No, it is not.

But it is an expert cross.

Please let the record show that I got exactly what I wanted from this witness.

Now, that's some good lawyering.

(jurors murmuring)

He's losing.

So help him.

How?

Oh, I wasn't prepared for a follow-up question.

Adams: All right.

Let's take a short recess. Back in 15.

If you've come up here to give a pep talk, you should save it for somebody else.

Okay.

I'll just... I'll sit on it, then.

Maybe save it for another day.

Where's your protégé?

Dean, he's not my protégé.

Sure seems like it.

He's better than I am.

At what?

All of it.

He's got the show, he's got the girl, he's got the jury eating out of the palm of his hand.

Dean, it's not over yet.

Okay, you tell me. Put yourself in that box.

You're in that deliberation room.

Do you really think I have any chance?

Yeah, what do you care anyway?

You probably want me to lose.

So you and Tim Olyphant can run the firm together.

Is that what you think I want?

To run the firm with Timothy Olyphant?

A complete stranger with even less TV legal experience than you?

Then what do you want, Stewart?

Maybe you should figure that out before you come up here and try to give a pep talk that isn't working.

Trust me.

There's only one TV lawyer I want to run this firm with.

If... it has to be that way.

And it's you.

Well, that's a sweet sentiment... but it's a pipe dream.

Dean, The Grinder's never lost.

There's no reason he has to start today.

Thank you for accepting me into your firm.

You didn't have to do that, but you did.

And I will always cherish that.

He's gonna put me on the stand, Dean.

I know.

He's gonna rip you apart.

Humiliate you in front of your family and coworkers.

Just tell the truth.

You'll be fine.

Okay.

(door opens, closes)

Boise Garden Suites has a helipad? Huh.

Mr. Sanderson...

Something you said yesterday really stuck with me.

Quote from an old law professor.

Do you remember that?

No. No, I'm not sure I do.

A lawyer isn't really a lawyer until he loses his first case.

Isn't that right?

Uh, yeah.

And in all the cases your brother's been involved in... both as The Grinder and here, in, uh, Boise... how many has he lost?

Um... (shouts) Answer... the question, Mr. Sanderson!

Stewart: Um... none.

None?

Huh.

That's curious.

I only mention it because in episode three of The Grinder: New Orleans, Rake Grinder, played by me... loses... his first... case.

Oh, crap.

(jurors murmuring)

No further questions, Your Honor.

Yours to lose.

What did you just say?

Yours to lose.

Mine to lose.

But not today.

He's got it.

What? How do you know?

Because he just did the stupid thing from the show, the repeat.

Mr. Olyphant is right.

I am vastly more experienced.

And that kind of experience pales with the experience a lawyer gets the very first time he tastes the bitter pill of defeat.

And so I say to you now, and maybe for the last time...

...The Grinder rests.

And you have no choice but to find for my opponent.

(jurors murmuring)

You, uh... okay with that, guys?

Eh, yep.

Sure.

Fine with me.

Then I rule in favor of Mr. Timothy Olyphant.

And, in so doing, give me my first taste... of defeat.

(all murmuring)

Oh, crap.

Coupled with my edge in experience, Your Honor, I would like to move to reopen this case and ask the jury if they would like to reconsider their verdict.

Okay. Guys?

Yeah.

Why not?

Adams: Now I rule in favor of Mr. Dean Sanderson.

(applause)

Is this the stupidest thing I've ever been a part of?

I think it might be.

It's up there.

I would say.

Congratulations, Counselor.

I did not see that coming.

Oh.

Hey, it means a lot coming from you.

You know...

I'll never be you.

And maybe that's okay.

Guys, thanks for keeping an open mind.

We'll have the election in a bit here.

No need.

We know where our vote's going.

What about Stan Grady?

Grady's out.

What do you say? One more term?

I think I can handle that.

(laughter)

You saved me.

When you said "The Grinder doesn't have to lose today," and then Olyphant says,

"Yours to lose..."

And then you processed that, and then you said, "What did you just say?"

And you did both of those things...

No, but...

And then, right there, it was like you were talking about the case, but you were also talking about the rift between you two.

When you said, "It did, didn't it?"

Right. We get it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

W-We got that.

Okay, good, good.

Just pointing it out.