05x01 - Love and Carriage

[bunniefuu]

Danny: So what do you say, Riley?

Will you marry me?

(all yelling at once)

We need water! Somebody get water!

Here, here, here.

Oh.

Thank . I was so thirsty.

Riley, can you hear me? Are you all right?

Oh, my god.

What happened?

Oh, gosh. It was amazing. Let me fill you in.

You ruined my wedding! That's what happened!

You hit the deck! I haven't seen a girl go down like that since...

It's probably not for right now.

Do you remember anything?

Yeah, um, Ben was marrying your mom and Brad.

And how that story ends.

What else?

You kissed me.

Oh, you took me in your arms and you kissed me.

And then?

I kissed you back.

What? Was there more? Did I miss something?

Uh, no, that was it.

(mouths) Oh, my god.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

(all shouting)

Oh, my gosh. Oh.

Okay, Brad, Brad, Brad, sweetie, are you okay?

I think so. Oh, god, what happened?

Oh, gosh, it was amazing. Let me fill you in.

These two idiot ruined my wedding!

I'm sorry. It's a *** thing.

When I get excited, I head-butt people.

Six times.

Six times I have worn this dress, and six times come back single!

We said we were sorry.

Yeah, well, even Danny got to marry Brad once.

I wanna marry Brad.

(crying) When do I get to marry Brad?

Seriously, Bon-Bon, it's fine. Look, I'm fine.

So not about you right now, honey.

Should I at least cancel the brunch?

No, cancel my family.

I am having brunch.

Oh, I am having everyone's brunch!

And I might as well go to work.

Hey, do you guys have a sling that I could borrow?

I told work that I was in a train wreck, which is actually pretty true.

Hey, need any help getting out of that dress?

Oh, no. These are just buttons. I do it all the... Ah.

Got it. Right. Buttons can be tricky, so...

Dude, I can't believe that you're so cool with that.

I wasn't at first, but a little soul searching, ton of anonymous hook-ups, and a fair amount of liquor later, I think I'm finally okay with my brother dating the girl of my dreams.

So you're dead inside.

Yeah, pretty much.

Maybe I should just give up on love.

Dude, you just need to meet your Riley.

I did. Her name was Riley.

Sorry, I'm going up.

Oh, that's cool.

Because so am I, I'll just...

Normally a guy has to buy me dinner before I let him get this close.

(chuckles) Sorry.

So, you, uh, you moving in, or...

I am.

Seems a little small now that I see it in the daylight.

You know, if you put up some posters, maybe a little paint, I think it'll look great.

I'm Zoey.

Hi, I'm Zoey. No. (scoffs)

I'm... I'm Ben. You're Zoey. I'm Ben.

Hi, Zoey. It's me, Ben.

Okay, I think we're clear on who I am.

(elevator dings)

Nice to meet you, Ben.

Send it back up when you're done?

No, no. Let me help you. Here.

(glass breaking)

Oh, I'm so sorry!

I am so...

I hope it's not expensive.

Hey, Tuck.

Do you think it's bad that I'm starting off my relationship with Riley by hiding things from her?

Oh.

Well, nothing is being hidden right now. Hello.

I just can't believe that I've been lying to her about this whole proposal thing.

But when she said that she didn't remember, thought, maybe she doesn't need to, 'cause the truth is, it was just too much too soon.

But now it's been a month, and I'm gonna do exactly what I should have done in the first place.

Knock, knock. Hey... hey.

What lucky half naked man wants to walk me to work?

(Danny chuckles)

I just need another second.

I've got a big surprise planned for you after work tonight.

You're never gonna guess where I'm gonna take you.

You gotta meet me on top of the Empire State Building.

Oh, god. Oh, no. This isn't happening.

He's gonna ask me to marry him again, isn't he?

Yeah, probab...

Wait a minute. Did you just say, "again"?

He's going to ask you to marry him "again"?

What?

No.

No, I most certainly did not say that.

I knew it. I knew it. You do remember him proposing.

You didn't know what to say, so you pretended to faint to get out of it.

Oh my go... Tucker, I would never...

Danny...

Be quiet. Be quiet.

(muffled) Olay. Okay.

All right, all right. Fine, fine.

I faked it, okay?

That is what women do when they don't know what to say.

Or they get bored.

Yeah, well, get ready, because I think he's ready to ask you again.

(Sighs)

God, it's too soon.

I mean, I love him I love him, but it is too soon.

Okay, I'll just...

I'm gonna avoid all romantic situations and then let him know how happy I am with the way things are right now, like, in a subtle way, and... he'll get that, right?

Oh, my god. Tucker.

Tucker, Tucker, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. I just got bored.

Mm. Tucker, you were right.

I just needed to meet my Riley, and I did, right here in the building.

Isn't that crazy?

Are you sure it wasn't the real Riley?

You know, she lives in this building too.

Her name's Zoey, and she's perfect.

You know, maybe I'll just hang around the lobby until I accidentally bump into her again.

Oh, hello Zoey. Remember me?

Why, yes, I would like to make out with you.

(chuckles) Or you could try something different like manning up and just telling her how you feel.

Huh, the truth.

Little unorthodox.

But I've heard girls go crazy for it.

You know what? I'm just gonna lay it all out there.

Baggage, baby, everything.

So, any of you boys wanna go in drag this Halloween as a cursed bride?

Brad and I have officially called off the wedding.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

If you wanna talk about it, Tucker's here for you.

All right, I need you.

I need you. All right, listen to me.

Loo this website right here and get your license to marry me and Brad.

But I thought you just said you were calling off the wedding.

Have you seen Brad? I'm not insane.

I just need without Tweedle-Dork and Tweedle-Dumbass being there.

So, ll you help me? Please?

Sure.

Okay.

(phone vibrates)

Oh, perfect. Another 9-1-1 from Riley.

Man, white chicks.

Thank God. Look at this. Look at it. It's horrible.

I mean, it's a little uneven, but is the thought that counts?

No. Don't you know where this heart leads?

It is just another step deeper into the vortex that is my romantic nightmare. Please, you have to help me.

How can I help you?

(footsteps approach)

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Towel?

Okay, just flash her your pearly whites, and just let Daddy do the talking, okay?

I love you.

Oh, hey there. It's me, Zoey again. No!

God, it's Ben again.

Um, this is my daughter, Emma.

Uh, yeah, I just needed you to know that she's part of the package.

What package are we talking about?

Look...

Zoey...

I haven't stopped thinking about you since we met, and I think you should know that I'm a single dad with a complicated life, who recently had this hard ***.You get the point...

Would you maybe like to go out with me, Us, sometime?

Wow, uh...

To be honest, I've been thinking about you all day too.

But, obviously, this is not a great time.

My life is a bit of a mess.

I just ended this relationship...

An know, as I say it, we kind of sound perfect for each other.

Are you sure?

I am so sure.

Then, yes, I'd like to go out with you.

Okay, perfect. Tomorrow night at 7:00.

All right. Come here. Come on.

Oh, man I am bringing you along every time I ask a girl out.

Maybe we won't have to do this alone after all, baby.

Hey. Just making sure I have everything.

Keys, phone, doctor's number.

Doctor's number?

Well, obviously I could go at any minute.

You're dying?

Damn it, I really liked you.

I'm not dying.

Although, I am counting the minutes until I can get this baby out of me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When did that happen?

Pretty sure it the last time I had sex.

Y... y... y... you're pregnant?

Are you k... k... k... kidding me?

How did you not notice?

I'm a dude!

We have focus issues.

We tend to concentrate on the areas directly above and below the baby zone.

And now that you know, you want to cancel.

Yeah, maybe. Okay.

Yeah, that might be best if that's what you think.

I think you should get out.

That's probably a good idea.

(muttering)

Tucker, hurry up.

We've got to get out of here before Ben or Danny or any of those guys...

(both scream)

What the hell is going on?

Uh...

Um...

We're going dancing.

Yeah.

Because it's Thursday.

It's...

This is what we do on Thursdays.

Yeah.

Tah-tah!

It's just a thing... that we like to do.

You know...

Both: On Thursdays.

No, I meant what the hell is going on with the universe?

My date is pregnant.

Again?!

Oh, my god, Ben!

Okay, that's it!

Somebody get me a sewing kit.

Can't be that hard to perform a vasectomy.

This one's not mine!

So, I turned and ran faster than the kid's real dad.

But I thought you said there was a connection.

Yeah, well obviously she connected with someone else about nine months ago.

Okay, wait, wait.

So this poor girl, who you asked out and is probably at her most vulnerable, was just told to her face that because she's in the middle of creating a life, she's not worthy of your attention?

Not in so many words.

What was I supposed to do?

Well, for starters, you should go to your room and have a nice long conversation with yourself about it.

Wait, so you guys are really gonna go dancing?

Yeah. It's Thursday. We've gotta dance.

Yep. Don't follow us. Nope.

Oh! Hi.

I didn't expect you back yet.

Hey. What are you doing in my room?

Just playing with Emma until her sitter gets here.

Hey, Danny isn't back from Central Park yet, is he?

If he is, could you, like, not tell him that I'm in here?

Oh, my god. He knows.

Are you okay?

Yeah, of course I'm okay.

I mean, why wouldn't I be okay?

You know, it's not like I, you know, pretended to faint at the altar and said that I didn't hear his proposal because it was just, like, too much too soon and now keeps planning all these super sweet moments but I feel ike he's just gonna keep asking me forever and it feels like I'm stuck in some kind of romantic Groundhog Day.

Well, as long as you're okay.

Ben, I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.

About my brother who you're in love with and who you left me for?

I knew you were going to bring that up.

Well, I think I know what you should do.

You should talk to him.

You can't just run and hide when something gets uncomfortable.

You have to... stay and work through it.

He won't be pregnant for ever.

You had me right up until the end there, but, you're right.

I have to go find Danny and hope that he forgives me.

I've got to go talk to Zoey.

Wait. Emma. Not it!

Not it. Damn it!

Riley: Danny?

Danny, I'm here!

Danny?

(groans)

I'm too late.

I guess it's true what they say about craving things when you're pregnant.

Yeah.

Who knew I was also craving a date with a cute boy who apologized for being an insensitive jerk?

Thank you for letting us start over.

I don't really deserve it.

Well, if you knew how long it took me to zip up this dress, there was no way I was staying in.

(chuckles)

And I should probably be getting back.

Okay.

Both: Oh, it's this way.

No, it's this way.

Are you sure?

Sorry I'm late!

Oh!

Both: Muah!

I got distracted by this really good looking man on 72nd.

We waved to each other for about ten minutes before I realizes just looking at my own reflection in a window.

Oh, my god.

(growling, chuckling)

So, why am I here?

We're gonna do it. Right now.

Here?

In front of Tucker?

Yes. He's got the license.

Oh. I didn't know you could get a license to do that in the park.

Oh, my... No! Married, Brad!

We're getting married.

Right.

That's later, okay?

All right. Hit it, Tucker.

Hey, Danny. It's me again.

If you could give me a call...

(Neighing)

Whoa.

Danny?

What are you doing?

I'm just taking m'lady for a little romantic ride.

Get in.

This is so sweet, but...

Please.

I'm not horsin' around.

Don't saddle me with excuses.

You know what? I think I remember that tree.

Yeah, yeah, we definitely passed that one.

Or was it this one?

Hey didn't *** these things?

(groans)

Oh, my god, I'm having a baby!

Yeah, I think we've established that.

No, now!

I'm having a baby right now!

N... n... now? Are you sure?

Okay, well, okay, don't panic. No need to panic.

I'm not panicking!

Well, I am! Help!

Help us!

Pregnant lady lost in a park!

Help!

So, there's something I need to say, and I don't want you to interrupt me until I'm done saying it.

Riley...

I'm sorry that I've been acting so weird.

I wasn't done.

Riley...

I lied.

I li and I've been lying.

The whole last month has been a lie.

The fainting, the pretending not to remember the proposal...

What? It's not because I don't love you.

It was all just... it was too much.

I'm so happy that we're a couple now.

I'm so happy, but...

I'm not ready to be married.

Okay.

Not where I th this was going.

At least not right now.

Some... someday maybe.

But I just...

It doesn't matter.

Now it's my turn.

Oh, my god.

Riley, I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember.

Ben: Someone help us we're having a baby!

Oh, thank god.

Ben?

Danny?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Panicking! My date's having a baby!

Oh... oh, hi!

You must be Zoey!

(groans)

Okay. You know, we can talk later.

Danny, help her up. Riley, call 9-1-1. Come on.

Yeah..

Don't worry, it's okay. We'll get you out of here in no time.

(grunts)

Oh, wow, you're heavy.

Never mind. All good. Shutting up.

Let's move, We're having a baby!

Yah!

Ah! Danny!

Oh, my... (screams)

Riley!

So by the power vested in me, I pronounce you...

Help!

Son of a...

Is anybody... We need some help!

Mom?

What are you doing here?

Trying to get married.

What are you doing here?

Well, Ben's in the back of a runaway carriage trying to deliver a baby and Riley's at the reins.

Well, there's that.

I hate all of you.

Okay, okay, let's breathe.

All big deep breaths.

Yeah, big deep breaths.

Are we breathing?

Who can breath at a time like this I was talking to Zoey!

It's coming!

What? Now?

No, no, no! That's not a good idea.

Just... just suck it back in there.

It doesn't work like that!

(phone rings)

Hold on. Maybe I should take this.

Oh, thank god! It's my mom.

Hey! Mom. Hi!

Zoey's having her baby! What do I do?

Find a new mom because after this, I am done with you!

Don't bite, Bon-Bon.

The miracle of life is happening.

God, I feel so insignificant.

Okay, fine.

All right, how close is she?

She's right next to me.

Bonnie: To giving birth!

Oh. You look.

(Groans)

Oh, my... -Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, back that up a few feet.

(screams)

Riley: Okay!

9-1-1 says she needs to breath!

Zoey: Way past that!

Focus on that baby.

It is about to be born whether you like it or not, so just use everything that your father taught you in little league and catch it like a fly ball!

Mom, Ben got kicked out of little league.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did!

This seems like something we can talk about later!

Uh-oh. Is that a head?

Ah. Yeah, I think that's a head.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

Riley, hold the phone please.

Okay. All right. Okay.

I told you, I don't know our exact...

Oh! Oh, Tavern on the Green!

I always wanted to eat there.

I hear their salad is to die.

The baby!

What's going on with the baby?

I got its shoulders!

Oh, man, it's gotta hurt!

Riley, Riley, to stop it, you gotta grease the rails on an uphill slop and then hit the fuel cut off.

Oh, wait. No, that's how to stop a runaway train.

You know what? Never mind.

Shut up, shut up.

All right. Riley, talk to me!

Whoa!

(Neighing)

Whoa...

(baby crying)

Yes!

I did it! I am amazing!

Oh! Zoey, are you okay?

I'm perfect.

We're all Hey, little guy. You want to meet your mom?

So, on a scale of one to ten, how do you think this date's going so far?

Hey.

Hey.

So...

I guess we still need to talk.

No.

I need to talk and you need to be quiet for a change.

Ght. But listen, Danny, I just...

Sorry.

Like I said, I've been in love with you my whole life and I'm gonna be in love with you for the rest of it.

We might not always be on the same page at the same time, but this time, I think we are.

Riley, will you marry me... someday?

Is that finally a yes?

Yes. Yes!

Tucker: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you...

Husband and wife, you may swallow each other's faces.

***