01x14 - Dave's Valentine

[bunniefuu]

Damona, you know Irene from Human Resources.

Yeah. What's going on?

Well, in accordance with Welltopia policy governing interoffice canoodling...

You and I have to report to H.R. the recent change in our relationship.

Do we have to do this here?

[Chuckles]

Damona, there's nothing between us that I don't feel comfortable sharing with Irene.

Irene, let's just say that things are getting pretty hot and steamy between us.

The phrase "sexual intercourse"...

[Chuckling] doesn't begin to cover it.

So, you two are dating?

Ohh. Well...

Ohh. Ohh.

Uh... no. You know what?

Put us down for "it's complicated."

Mm-hmm.

Which we watched last night.

Who knew the films of Nancy Meyers were such an aphrodisiac?

That's a free tip for you, Irene.

Please make this end.

Damona, it's important for two professionals to follow protocol and decorum in the workplace.

Let's get some lunch. Come on, sugar.

I told you... stop calling me "sugar."

I told you to stop tasting like it.

Morning, gorgeous.

Morning.

Guess what... I just made us a reservation for a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day.

Ah, it wasn't easy to get a table at the last minute, but, for my princess, I makes it happen.

That's so sweet.

So, two choices... do you want to eat at 4:45 or 11:15?

Sadly, we can't do either.

Before I knew you had gone to such short lengths, I volunteered us to chaperone the Sweetheart Dance at Dave's school.

The Sweetheart Dance?

It was either that or library duty.

Ohh, good call on the dance.

Books are for losers. [Chuckles]

How do you spell "infatuated"?

What you writing there, champ?

A valentine for a girl at school.

Ooh!

Who is she?

Emma. I really like her.

She's the prettiest girl in the whole wide class.

So, are you gonna ask her to the dance?

I want to, but I'm kind of scared.

Oho, buddy!

You came to the right place, 'cause Dr. Love is in the house.

Now, when it comes to girls, just have to remember the three C's...

Confidence, coolness, and always be closing!

Closing what?

Okay, that seems like a natural stopping point.

Dave, honey, just be yourself.

Yes, listen to your mother.

She knows.

What's going on?

Dad's teaching me how to ask out a girl.

Did he tell you about the three C's...

Caution, conservative, and chastity?

If you listen to anyone, listen to Mom.

Thank you, Mol.

Then again, look who she ended up with.

Damona.

Huh?

Could I tempt you to join me for a libation this weekend?

Just say "drink."

Ah.

Wait.

Now, you know this weekend is Valentine's Day.

Oh, oh. No, well, I wasn't... suggesting that we... you know.

No, not me.No, I...

I know you weren't. Yeah.

Good thinking. Yes.

'Cause, you know, what with the ambiguous nature of our relationship, the last thing we need to deal with is V.D.

[Chuckles]

Just say "Valentine's Day"!

So, I've made a little tweak to the theme of my Valentine's Day party this weekend.

It's now a Presidents' Day party.

Oh, Jules, did Topher stand you up?

Well, yeah, he canceled at the last minute.

But this is way more about me realizing that Valentine's Day is a silly holiday.

Why are we honoring Cupid?

He's just a fat flying baby. Am I right?

Really?

Because yesterday, you said it was your favorite holiday, and you described Cupid as both adorable and within an appropriate weight range.

Oh, really? Is that what I said yesterday?

Well, I'm glad we have the memory sheriff in town.

So... a Presidents' Day party.

That doesn't sound... too romantic.

No, it doesn't. We could do that.

Yes, I think... I think one president we could honor is James K. Polk.

Millard Fillmore?

Uh, you can "ba-rock" my world.

Damona, a sitting president?

That's just disrespectful.

There he is.

Come on, Dave. Let's get to going.

Hang on.

Wait. Is that Emma Bo-Bemma?

[Chuckles] Noice!

[Laughs] Did you ask her to the dance?

I got too nervous. I don't know how to do it.

All right. Lesson one... strut like a baller.

Check it.

All right, let's see it.

Okay, let's not roll that one out just yet.

Um... let's focus on the talk.

Why don't you hit her with, "are you a parking ticket?

'Cause you got fine written all over you."

But, Dad, I don't know how to...

Go.

Excuse me, little boy.

Oh! You are a grown man.

It was hard to tell. Still is.

[Sighs] Ross Kirkland, the Valley's sleaziest ambulance chaser.

Ken Park, the Valley's tiniest doctor.

Nice khakis.

Did you take those from an abandoned blockbuster video?

Oh, yeah? Nice suit.

Where'd you get it? The haber-douchery downtown?

Handmade in Milan... Clooney's guy.

I guess being a scuzzy personal-injury lawyer who destroys hardworking doctors with frivolous lawsuits pays well.

Well, what you call frivolous, I call being able to afford my own island.

Please. You have an island?

Kitchen island, and it's huge.

You could probably live on it if you had to.

I'm doing really well!

[ Cash register dings]

Oh, hmm. It's my island guy.

Amir!

Hey, quick question before you install that thing... how many people could sleep on it?

Really? Comfortably?

Ha!

Four.

What if they were under 5 feet tall?

Eight people? Wow!

[Chuckles]

Good luck suing everyone in town, Ross, except me, because we both know what happened when you tried to put your hand in this cookie jar.

You got burnt, son!

Everybody knows that was a bunk ruling.

What I know is that a guy who went to an online law school couldn't take me down.

That law school is difficult to get into!

Only if you forget your password!

How dare you.

Dad, she said yes!

Yes! You did it! My boy!

Come on. Oh, wait. Baller strut. Do it.

Guess who's got a date for the big dance.

[Gasps] Oh, my God, that's great, honey!

Yeah, Dad told me some really cool stuff to say.

Was it, "I got to kick you off school property because you are smokin'"?

No, I went parking ticket.

Oh, that's a good one.

[Cellphone chimes]

What's wrong, sweetie?

Emma texted me.

Mr. Kirkland says she's not allowed to go to the dance with me.

Emma's dad is Ross Kirkland?

Yeah, and he hates you.

To be fair, a lot of people hate me.

And I'm starting to understand why!

Allison, I think that was directed at me.

So, because you had to gloat to Ross Kirkland, Dave lost his very first date?

[Sighs] We just don't like each other.

We're like cats and dogs, Hatfields and McCoys, my stomach and your lasagna.

I thought you loved my lasagna.

Wake up, Allison.

This isn't about you and your garbage lasagna.

It's about Dave.

Why don't you call the guy and try to make nice with him?

[Chuckles] Believe me, I'd do anything to take away Dave's pain, except that.

The guy tried to sue me, Allison.

He could've taken away my livelihood, my reputation, my clippers tickets... even though we hardly ever go.

We should go more.

I think they're playing the pelicans this weekend.

What are we doing Sunday?

Chaperoning a dance that you ruined for Dave!

Oh, yeah. Come on. Come on. He's 11. He'll be fine.

Dave said to tell you he's not coming down for dinner.

He doesn't want to eat? Oh, my God.

This is worse than I thought.

No, he wants it brought up to his room.

And he wants extra barbecue sauce...

Doesn't matter what we're having.

Oh, and he does not need silverware.

Okay, you guys know Barry, the hot guy from hot yoga?

Well, he asked me out this weekend!

Yeah. We're going to a cowboy-themed party.

Ooh. Are you gonna dress up?

Damona, I dressed up as Princess Leia to watch "Star Wars"... alone... on my couch.

Yeah, I think I'll throw something together.

Okay.

Anyway, this does mean that I won't be able to go to your Presidents' Day party.

Oh, that's okay.

And guess what... it might turn out to be a Valentine's Day party, after all.

Topher said there's a slight chance he might make an appearance!

Oh!

I know! Yay!

I mean, he told me not to get my hopes up, but too late... they're all the way up here!

Boy, I am fragile!

You know what?

This guy Topher has jerked her around long enough.

I'm gonna go tell her he's a chump.

She needs to end this.

No. No! No, no, no.

You can never tell a friend that you don't like the person they're dating.

I don't know if I can keep biting my tongue about this guy.

Okay, quick story... my friend Tony was dating this guy Tony, who was always hitting on guys behind Tony's back.

So, this one time, Tony and I were hanging out, watching the Tonys, and I told Tony that I did not like Tony.

[Chuckling] Well, now Tony and Tony are married, and since that day I have not seen the Tonys.

The guys, not the awards.

[Chuckling] I would never miss those.

There was nothing quick about that damn story.

You sure about this?

Trust me... you have to talk to Emma face-to-face.

But Dad said I...

Forget about Dad.

What has he ever done for us?

Ring it.

[Doorbell rings]

Look at this place.

I know. It's like their house ate our house.

Hey, what's up?

Hi.

This is Dave. Is Emma home?

Hi.

Emma!

You guys are the Parks, right?

Our dad hates your dad.

[Laughs]

Well, our dad hates your dad.

You're tall.

Emma, I know your dad doesn't want us to go to the dance together, but I needed to hear it from you.

Oh, okay.

My dad doesn't want us to go to the dance together.

Okay, thank you very much.

Come on, Mol. To the barbecue sauce store.

Here are the keys. Drive yourself.

Uh, he's like 10.

Oh! [Laughs] Right.

Good call.

[Car door closes, engine starts]

Oh, Irene. Happy Presidents' Day.

On a work-related subject, last night, Damona and I simply cuddled.

But you should probably also know how I woke her up this morning.

Okay, da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da.

I wa...

She doesn't need every detail.

I really don't.

Oof baboof! Look at this place.

I thought this was a Valentine's Day party.

No, it's a Presidents' Day party now.

Oh, right.

That's why I got such a sweet deal on my new mattress.

Well, as I understand it, it's because of some guy named Topher, who apparently has never been told there's a less douchey way to shorten the name "Christopher."

[Laughs]

So, who are you, friend?

Topher!

That could have been awkward.

Hey, did you know there's a less douchey way to shorten "Christopher"?

I didn't think you were coming.

Baby... all I have is my word.

And when that word is "maybe," you got to know there's a chance I come.

Aww!

And you know I wouldn't leave you alone on Valentine's Day for more than most of it.

It's Presidents' Day.

No. It's Valentine's Day.

Come on. I'll get you some cake.

Also, I'm pretty sure I left my night guard here.

Oh, I'll get you that, too.

Thank you, babe.

My jaw's been clicking something fierce.

[Clicks tongue]

Are you kidding me?

I know.

He waltzes in and gets cake and a night guard?

What about the rest of us?

One second. Hey, girl.

Uh, we got a 911 situation.

Topher showed up to Julie's party.

The... nerve!

Oh, my God, though. Is he cute?

It doesn't matter. I don't like him.

And I know you told me don't say anything, but I've had two gin and tonics, and everybody knows that's my talking juice.

That is your talking juice.

Listen to me... you got to stay strong.

I don't know if I can. You got to come help me, Clark.

I can't leave now.

They're just about to start the hayride.

Or as everyone here calls it, the "haaay-ride."

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Sighs] Dave is so bummed.

I can't get him to stop drinking.

I wish there was some way to help him.

You can fix things by talking to Ross.

Yeah, stay on the line so I don't have to talk to anyone.

b*at it.

No.

I'd rather eat a whole tray of that disaster you call lasagna.

Okay, enough. That's my grandmother's recipe.

Who's she mad at?

The point is, you need to do the right thing.

Fine.

Stupid right thing.

Oh, hang on. A kid wants some punch.

Hi!

Mmm.

No, thank you.

Look, I know you and I don't exactly see eye to eye...

No, 'cause you're fun-size.

Okay.

Here's the thing. You don't like me.

Mnh-mnh.

Nobody likes you.

Mm...

But our kids like each other.

So let's not let this thing between us wreck it for them.

Fine.

They can hang out with each other.

Great. Appreciate it.

No problem. I don't mind being the bigger man.

Okay, um, actually, I came over here.

So, technically, I'm pretty sure that makes me the bigger man.

You'd think, but that's not how the bigger man works.

A bigger man would know that.

Mm.

Emma, I know it's forbidden, but so is ketchup on sushi, and I do that.

Will you dance with me?

No, the bigger man suggests letting it go.

I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for your words to finally travel up here... you are so short.

Hey, idiots. Look.

Oh, he did it... all by himself.

Mm.

Hey, uh, my phone d*ed.

Would you mind e-mailing me that video when you're done?

Yes, I would.

I will see you in small-claims court...

'cause you are so small.

I had your Lamborghini towed, Ross.

What?

Y-you did?!

Out of my way!

So, why'd you leave my girl Julie hanging so long about coming to the party?

I'm not much of a planner.

You know the saying, "when we make plans, God laughs"?

But since I don't believe in God or plans, I guess I'm the one laughing.

[Laughs]

Know what I mean, Deronda?

[Chuckles]

No, I don't know what you mean.

You've been on me all night. Do we have a problem?

Yeah, we have a problem. Julie is my friend, and I don't like the way you treat her.

Whoa! Whoa. We have a different thing.

Hang on. Your name's Deronda?

What's going on?

Nothing, babe. Everything's cool.

No, you know what? No, no. It's not cool.

Julie, you may hate me for saying this, but you are too good to be on this chump's back burner.

There is a quality man out there that will recognize how wonderful you really are.

So, you know what? Until then, why don't you go on and get out of here?

My girl doesn't need a skinny-ass punk like you!

Yeah, I said it!

Is that how you feel?

You know what?

I think it is.

Come on, Jules.

These people don't look at life through our lens.

We don't have to see each other all the time or date "exclusively" to know that we have something special.

Actually, we do.

Damona is right.

I would rather spend Valentine's Day alone than pretend I have something special with you.

Well, if that's how you feel.

Oh, no.

Don't give me the look.

I don't know what you're talking about, honey bear.

Is he okay? He looks like a wizard.

[Panting] I got here as fast as I could.

I jumped off a moving stagecoach.

It was super dramatic. You should have seen it.

You would have d*ed.

Who's he?

He's... he's the reason you're on my back burner, Topher.

He's my front burner.

His name is Clark, and he's a cowboy!

That's right, pardner. I am.

So why don't you... skedaddle out of here, so Miss Julie and I can get down to it?

Wow.

Yeah.

That is what she is going to be saying a lot!

Oh, that was too much. I felt that.

Hi!

Hi.

Oh!

Thank you, guys.

Who needs that loser when I've got friends like you?

Well, Irene, this has been quite a night.

If it ends the way I'm hoping, well, let's just say... check your e-mail in the morning.

I'm not gonna.

Good call, Irene.

You were amazing! So proud of you.

Oh, don't eat that.

We're going to dinner.

Still?

Surprise!

I kept our 11:15 reservation.

You're gonna love it... unless you're in the mood for one of the specials, 'cause they're out of those.

There's no beef or salad.

You can forget about dessert.

This'll be nice!

And this guy, huh?

You just made it happen tonight.

How'd you do it, Baller?

Well, you told me to be confident.

Ah, thank you.

But then Mom told me to just be myself.

Ah, thank you.

But then Molly told me not to listen to either one of you.

So, I was standing there, confused, when I saw another boy about to dance with Emma.

Then I was consumed with rage.

Then I blacked out.

Next thing I know, I'm dancing with Emma.

This guy's an animal! [Chuckles]

What are you guys doing home so early?

Who's this?

Uh, hi, sir. I'm Ben.

Uh, Ben...

Ben Voyage.

Ben Voyage?

Why do you and Emma have different last names?

You're Ross Kirkland's son?

Uh, no, he's...

Go, Ben. Run!

[Sighs]