01x12 - A Tail Of Two Piggies

[bunniefuu]

(Crowd cheering)

(Yawns)

These Showbiz events are exhausting!

Yeah.

I'm gonna need a vacation just to sort through my swag bags.

Hold still, Piggy.

This is my design's red-carpet debut, and I'm not happy with the drape of the neckline!

Hmm?

Oh, wait. That's not my neckline.

That's your neck.

Uh, h... hey, Deadly.

Uh, listen, the collar on my tux is rubbing a little bit.

Don't even!

My entire body's in pain, okay?

My prep began weeks ago with head-to-toe chemical peels...

Weeks, yes.

... eyebrow freezing, and waterboarding.

Waterboarding?

Yes, Goop recommended it.

I tell my waterboardist everything.

Piggy's here to represent the show, and her job is to rub elbows and be classy.

Uh, and my job, well, it's, uh, to smile and nod.

Uh, I'm really good at nodding.

(chuckles)

(alarm beeping)

Okay, Piggy, time to walk the carpet.

But, uh...

When asked who you're wearing, it's Uncle by Deadly.

All right.

And do not forget to show off the back with a turn, a peek, and a pop!

(breathing deeply)

Uh, Piggy, uh, what are you doing?

Oxygen loading.

I have to hold my breath for the next two hours.

(inhales deeply)

All set.

Okay, let's go.

Uh, yes, yeah, do not forget, Piggy, turn, peek, pop!

And pop. Yeah, we got it.

Turn, peek, pop!

Turn, peek, pop!

(crowd cheering)

(chuckling)

Uncle by Deadly.

(indistinct shouting)

(chuckles nervously)

Miss Piggy, who are you wearing?

Uncle by Deadly.

Ah.

Even a skinny Kimmel couldn't pull off that dress.

True.

Turn. Peek. Pop!

She's popped out.

Aah! Too much pop!

Aah! The tail's out!

Uh, Piggy. Piggy!

That's disgusting.

This just in... The pig's tail is out!

Aah! Nobody saw that, right?!

(screaming)

Piggy!

Oh, no.

(Stammering, chuckles nervously)

She's wearing Vera Wang!

(ding)

Ooh!

Yeah!

Unh!

Kermie!

It's time to get things started.

Did you guys see this?!

Yeah.

It looks like they printed a computer on some weird paper.

No, no, Piggy's tail is front-page news!

Oh, wait... let's see.

I don't see what the big deal is. I was born with a tail.

The doctors removed it, but I keep it close so when I'm reincarnated, I'll be whole. See?

Put that away!

Aah!

Hey, guys, I... listen.

Now, Miss Piggy just had a simple wardrobe malfunction, okay?

So "The View" is talking about it, Howard Stern is talking about it.

We don't need to talk about it, So just get rid of the newspaper, all right?

You got it! (screaming)

Hey, Kermit.

Sam Eagle's in your office, and he's got some steam comin' out of his ears.

Oh, boy.

Mm.

Mm!

We at the network are very unhappy, Kermit.

Hmm?

There have been numerous complaints from the sponsors and viewers.

Really? I just can't believe people are so upset over a pig tail.

Oh, oh, it makes everyone very uncomfortable.

Have you seen it?

Well, I believe you know the answer to that question.

You are not taking this seriously enough!

The one million angry parents association are outside protesting right now!

A million? I only see three of 'em, Sam.

They like to round up.

And, look, I told you they're uncomfortable.

(sighs)

I'm drafting an apology for Piggy to read on the air.

What? Oh, come on, Sam. There's no law against showing a pig tail.

It was just an accident.

A fourth angry parent just showed up!

Wha... Sam, that's not a parent. that's just some guy delivering a pizza.

He's coming, he's coming. He's coming.

(breathes deeply)

Happy Groundhog Day! Whoo-hoo!

Happy Groundhog Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

We keep saying it because we are like the Bill Murrays.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you guys for the cake.

Yeah, Groundhog Day is an emotional time for Gonzo.

It's the day that his girlfriend walked out on him.

Yeah, he and Camilla were livin' together, and he pressed her for a bigger commitment, but she was chicken.

Ooh, also, she was a chicken.

(both laugh)

That's true.

Yeah.

Come on, Gonzo. It's been so long.

You have to let this go. That chicken has crossed the road.

Mm. And you got to stop wondering why.

Yeah.

It would've been fine if she just went to the other side.

Yeah.

But she kept on going.

Last night, I found a box that Camilla left behind.

What was in it?

Yeah.

A few of her egg cozies and then some...

Okay, it was all egg cozies.

Oh.

Mm.

That place is just filled with too many memories.

Look, you got to get out of that apartment, okay?

That's exactly what you need. You got to move!

Wow. Maybe a fresh start is a good idea.

You know what? Big mean Carl's sister is a real-estate agent.

Yeah, she got my brother a great place!

Hey, there was a bidding w*r, and she just ate the other buyer alive.

Oh, she founds like a great negotiator.

No. No, I'm saying she ate him... while he was still alive.

And then my brother got the place.

Think I'm going to need readers.

Oh, Deadly.

I am humiliated!

It's chaos out there.

My house is surrounded with their cameras...

And their questions and their tiny acorns.

Ugh. (grunting)

Tiny acorns?

There were a lot of squirrels in my yard this morning, too.

Piggy. I am so sorry that my dress was a part of this.

The plunging back-line was my undoing.

I should've used a high-tensile fabric that was sure to hold everything in place... like the steel mesh that keeps boulders from rolling onto the highway!

But you shouldn't be humiliated.

What the world saw was perfectly natural.

And disgusting, according to that one reporter.

There's so much prejudice against a curly tail.

Just to survive in show business, I continually have to downplay the fact that I'm... a pig.

You are aware your name is Miss Piggy?

So? Letterman doesn't work at the post office.

Miss Piggy! Could we get a quick comment, Miss Piggy?

What?! What are you doing here?! Go away! (snorts)

Uh, was that snort on the record?

She snorted!

Leave her alone, you animals!

Ohh.

Ohh.

I just snorted. Why did I do that?! I'm a lady, not a pig!

Mm. Well, uh, let's look at the positive, shall we?

Uh, at least it wasn't an oink, hmm?

I like this. There's three bedrooms, a pool, and, by law, I have to disclose that there's a tree in the living room.

Whoa!

Wow!

Oh, my god, big mean Carla, There's a tree in the living room!

Yeah.

You know what this means?

Yeah, it means you can enjoy the great outdoors without having to go outdoors.

(laughter)

Ooh! Cookies!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Cookies are for closers!

Okay, okay. Hey, Carla, listen, I notice there's a hole in the carpet over there.

Yeah, that's where Ian Ziering kept his pole.

He was a chippendales dancer.

This is Ian Ziering's place?!

Wow!

Ooh! It's the house "90210" built and "Sharknado" did not redecorate.

(laughter)

So, you want it, or not?!

Well, uh... it is amazing.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's a little out of my price range.

I kind of hadn't budgeted for, uh, house trees.

(groans)

Hey, uh, Gonzo, Gonzo, come on.

It's a little expensive, but, uh...

(gasps)

How about if I take one of those bedrooms?!

Ohhh.

Yeah?

Maybe with the two of us, we could swing the rent.

Well, I'll tell you this. With the three of us, we could definitely do it.

(gasps)

Pepe, would you consider living here, too?

Well, I don't know.

My life is pretty fantastic as is, okay?

So I'm going to have to say...

I call dibs on the jacuzzi!

(laughs)

Ho, ho!

We'll take it!

Whoo-hoo!

Congratulations!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Cookies?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(chomping)

Hi.

"As the host of up late, I take the dignity of my position and the trust that the viewers and the network place in me very seriously. "

Yes, fine. I'll read the apology on air.

Just please stop talking about this.

Oh, uh, also, if you could somehow muster a tear, that would be helpful.

Maybe pound the desk. I don't know. You're the artist.

Ugh!

Just wish I could put this tail thing behind me.

Oh. (laughs)

Sorry.

Uh, hey, Chef, could you, uh, pass me one of those pigs... (clears throat) ... small sausages in a comforter?

Do you mean pigs in a blanket, Scooter?

I don't know what that is.

Because that's what they're called.

They're called pigs in a blanket!

Really? That's not what we call them in my family.

What?! Coming!

Miss Piggy, um, I know you're busy, but somebody wanted to meet you.

Her dad's a teamster, so you have to say yes, hmm?

Hi, Miss Piggy. I... I'm Alynda.

Hi, Alynda. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Stay in school. Someone get her a picture!

Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I just wanted to say that, last month in gym class, my tail popped out, and all the kids laughed, and... and they said, "Pig tails are gross."

But then the same thing happened to you, and you're a star, and you're so glamorous, and I wasn't ashamed anymore because I'm just like you and you're the queen!

(voice breaking) Oh, Alynda!

You're right. You know what you just did?

Huh?

You just made me inspire me as much as I inspire you.

Everyone, this little piggy and I are the same!

Sure, I may be three, four years older than her, but why do we need to hide her tails?

Fozzie's tail is out, so is Bobo's and Yolanda's, but I guess hers is okay because it's long and thin.

Hey, thanks. I do tail lifts at my desk.

Just because pig tails are curly doesn't mean they're not beautiful.

Well, I'm done hiding! I grunt and snort and have a curly tail!

It's time I take a stand!

I'm a lady and a pig!

That's awesome! Can I have a tour of the set?

Tours are Wednesdays. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change the world!

(inhales deeply, snorts)

World's this way.

Okay, carpet choices, boys.

This right here is shaggy.

And this here? Shaggier?

Yep.

But I like the shaggiest.

Whoo-hoo! Me too.

Okay, so, we got the house, we got the carpet. Now what?

Well, maybe we should look into getting some renter's insurance, maybe start a chart for household chores...

Or... pool party.

Yes!

(laughs) Okay, okay, this weekend, We get the chicas, bathing suits.

Yes. Bathing suits.

Later in the night, chicas...

Yes.

And no bathing suits.

Whoo-hoo!

Great idea.

You know, this is exactly what I need...

Yeah.

To make a future with you guys, not live in the past alone.

I mean, did Ian Ziering live in the past?

Well... kind of. Uh, he played a teenager when he was in his 30s.

Okay, okay, so.. so let's talk about the womens, For the party.

Yeah.

Uh, what do we got? Give me names.

Uh, Yolanda.

Okay, good.

Yeah, um, uh...

Janice.

Yeah!

Very good.

Yeah. uh...

Yeah, yeah, uh...

Oh, that's, uh... that's kind of...

That's all we got.

... all, I think.

Okay, this is bad. Mm.

(dramatic piano music plays)

Why do we need to hide it?

What are we afraid of?

It's time...

It's time...

It's time...

... to unveil the tail.

Unveil...

The... tail!

If you care... and you should... watch "Up Late" with Miss Piggy tonight.

All will be unveiled because... it's time.

Hey, Kermit.

Hmm? Yeah?

Did you see what Piggy tweeted?

Mnh-mnh.

"For the first time on network television, all will be revealed. #unveilthetail. "

She's gonna show her tail on tonight's show?

I guess so.

Oh.

Oh, and the network president wants to see you.

Oh, no, no, not right now. I just don't have ti...

Hi, Kermit. I brought muffins.

Yeah, yeah.

How was your vacation?

Well, I actually didn't go on vacation. We were working.

Oh, weird. I was in Hawaii. It was great.

Anyway, big mess with Piggy, right?

Right. I told him that.

Yeah, well, Lucy, I know some of the sponsors are pulling out, but Piggy's PSA is generating a lot of press.

I know. It's amazing. And as a friend, I'm so supportive.

Mm.

But as a network president, I have to slap that pig down.

What?

Told him that, too.

Well...

Look, a pig tail is short and curly and ick.

Well, I d...

Plus, if she shows it, it will open the floodgates.

I mean, for years, George Stephanopoulos has lobbied to wear a crop top.

Do you want to see Greek belly?

Well, if George feels more comf...

No, you do not!

And nobody wants to see Piggy's tail.

It's beneath the dignity of a TV host.

And what's TV about if not dignity?

Bottom line, Kermit, tell your star to tuck in her tail.

But, Lucy, I can't tell Piggy what to do with her body.

Oh, sure you can.

And if you don't and sponsors pull out, that money's coming out of your budget.

Which will cost you production dollars, jobs, and, most importantly... it will cost you muffins.

(sighs)

No, no, no, curlier.

Curlier, with a little swoop at the top.

Oh. uh, what's going on back here?

That's it.

Thank you, Sweetums. That's perfect.

Welcome! Ooh. ooh!

Ohh. Ohh!

Ooh. Ow!

Oh!

Geez, it looks like a Japanese monster movie.

Oh, Kermit, it's all happening... The backdrop.

The mugs on my desk, they're gonna have little, curly pig-tail handles.

And I had four... four orders of curly fries today.

(chuckles)

As a political statement.

Well, uh, Piggy, I'm sorry, but we have a little problem with unveiling the tail.

Huh?

The network is losing sponsors, and they'll take it from our budget. uh... they're gonna make us fire people.

Fire people?!

(gasps)

What do you mean fire people?!

What?

Where else am I gonna find a job where I can take an hour-long nap every day and they don't mind?

You take an hour-long nap every day?

Yeah, and you don't mind.

Kermit, I don't want to get anyone fired, but others are counting on me to show them it's okay to be themselves. The piglet Alynda, George Stephanopoulos. All the little people.

Well, so we don't want to fire people, and we don't want to compromise your message.

What are we gonna do?

Hmm.

Got it! Since we can't do the one thing and we can't do the other thing, then all we have to do is think of a third thing that makes everyone happy. You're welcome!

Yeah, thanks, Fozzie, that's very helpful, but it would be even more helpful if you could think of what that third thing could actually...

Wait a minute. I just thought of the third thing.

Like I said, you're welcome.

I'm gonna go submit myself for "CNN Heroes"!

You know what?

I'm nappin' right now.

(snoring)

(theme music plays, cheers and applause)

The game is "Who tweeted it? Piggy or Kardashian?"

Ready, animal?

Ready.

Here's the tweet.

"Despite demands from literally everyone, I am not working on an album. "

Kardashian!

Nope. Piggy.

Aww.

That's an old tweet. I am working on an album now.

It's called "Piggy 25. " you know, give or take.

(laughter)

Okay, you haven't gotten one right yet, animal.

This is your last chance.

"I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color.

It might be the worst thing on the planet. "

Kardashian?

That's right!

(bell dings)

Ah! Ah! Ah!

(theme music plays)

Yeah, yeah! All right!

(cheers and applause)

Oh! Oh! More confetti! More! Oh!

(laughs) Great game, guys.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

I'm warning you, Kermit.

Hmm?

The sponsors are here. If anything undignified occurs, we can say goodbye to our friends big oil, big pharma, and big diapers.

What?

Adult diapers. Sorry, Rick.

Listen, I understand, Sam, and I'm going to go make sure Piggy does not show her tail.

Oh, look, here comes our fearless producer, Kermit the frog.

Oh. Uh, oh. (cheers and applause)

Uh, thank you, everybody. hi-ho! Uh, well, Piggy, you know, you've really been making quite a splash in the news lately.

I can't seem to help it. Everything I do is newsworthy.

Kardashian!

I literally just said it, animal.

Piggy, I know you were planning on unveiling your tail tonight...

Unveil the tail, Piggy!

(cheers and applause)

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you.

And that would be awesome, you know, because, well, you shouldn't have to feel ashamed of who you are.

No one should, and... I think all of us have parts of ourselves that, deep down, we wish were different.

In a way, we all have a curly pig tail, right?

Mm.

(applause)

Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

But, um, we have been told that you absolutely cannot show your tail on TV.

(crowd booing)

But they didn't say anything about me! Unveil the tail!

Wa-haaa! (cheers and applause)

Or me. Unveil the tail!

Unveil the tail!

Unveil the tail!

Unveil the tail!

Tail! Tail!

(laughs)

And now please welcome Rock-n-Roll hall of famer Joan Jett!

(cheers and applause)

Unveil the tail!

("Bad Reputation" plays)

Piggy, this is for you.

♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪
♪ you're livin' in the past, it's a new generation ♪
♪ and a girl can do what she wants to do ♪
♪ and that's what I'm gonna do ♪
♪ and I don't give a damn about my bad reputation ♪

Whoo!

You seein' what I'm seein'?

Si, si. The ladies love the tails. And our party needs some ladies.

Yeah, I think we just became activists.

Occupy our jacuzzi!

(both laugh)

♪
♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation ♪
♪ I never been afraid of any deviation ♪

This is amazing!

I'm dying.

What?

She's dying? My money was on you.

(both laugh)

(coughing)

Oh. Oh, wow.

I thought that was it right there.

♪ Not me ♪
♪ no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me! ♪

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

Oh! Look at all these gorgeous tails!

Love who you are, love how you look, and, most importantly, love me!

(indistinct talking)

(laughs)

Uh, well, you did it, Piggy.

You changed the world.

Oh, please.

Maybe North America and Guam, but the world?

(chuckles)

And, really, we did it, Kermie.

And I have to say, you look pretty cute in a tail.

Guess it kind of made me feel like I was a tadpole again.

Oh. (laughs)

But, uh, seriously, Piggy, you know, It was nice that you could see the bigger picture and not get stuck in your own little world.

Oh, my gosh. I'm trending!

I'm b*ating Malala! Ah!

Okay. Talk to you later.

Wonder how I'm doing on Instagram.

Oh, but you will make a marvelous fourth wife.

One half of my third of all of this will be one day be yours.

Mm. Oh. Hey, Ian Ziering.

Hey, man.

Uh, are your parents okay with you being out this late on a school night, hmm?

Parents.

I'm 51. I've got two kids.

Whoa. Babies having babies, man.

(chuckles) Quack.

So, turns out the key to attracting more ladies is to show respect and embrace things they care about.

Yeah.

Who knew? (laughs)

You know, but the best part about tonight... cheering up Gonzo cheered us up, too.

Mm-hmm.

Look at him. He's on top of the world.

Yeah, well, uh, on top of the house.

What?

Here's to the future! (laughs)

(all cheering)

Freedom is mine! Yahhh!

Oof!

Bull's-eye!

(all cheering)

Thanks, guys.

Yeah.

Hey, this has been the best night ever.

You know, as long as the three of us are together, the party's never gonna end.

Yeah.

Eh, Gonzo.

Hmm? What?

(gasps)

Camilla?

Bawk-Bawk.

Okay, next on "Who tweeted it?"...

Kardashian.

No, animal, I haven't read the tweet yet.

Here it is. "I never thought I would ever say this, but I'm wearing flats today."

Piggy!

(buzzer)

Wrong again. Kardashian.

"Black amex at Panda Express, lol."

Piggy, Piggy, Piggy!

No, Kardashian. (buzzer)

But great guess.

"What is the use of living if it be not to strive for noble causes?"

Churchill!

No, Churchill said it... (buzzer) ... but Piggy tweeted it.