05x02 - Reinventing the Wheeler

[bunniefuu]

Well, I didn't use breast milk for obvious reasons.

But if you just hold the bottle like this, it won't upset his stomach.

It's all in the wrist.

You are a lifesaver.

I thank you, Hunter thanks you, and the guy across the hall thanks you.

This kid's got some lungs.

Hi, Zoey. Bye, Zoey.

So... (clears throat) how's your new girlfriend?

Uh, Zoey is not my girlfriend.

She is a friend who just happens to be a girl.

Much like you, only with a lot less baggage.

Uh, you delivered her child on your first date, so I'd say our baggage is a carry-on compared to hers.

I thought you really liked her.

I did, you know, until I saw a human being crawl out of her.

But we talked about it, we're cool. We're just friends.

It's all good.

I don't know, I think Emma might really like a little brother.

Emma and I discussed it. She's fine.

(elevator bell dings)

Hey, sorry. One more question.

Mommy.

(whispers) Emma lied to you.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

Ben: Just go to yoga already.

Zoey and I...

I'm up!

Oh, my god! I'm late for practice.

You haven't seen me.

What was that?

He's been having trouble sleeping.

I need pants, shoes, my gym bag. So late!

One of the coaches is giving him a bad time.

Maybe the coach just likes his players to wear pants.

No, he thinks that Danny's not playing up to his potential, which is a nice way of saying that he sucks, which means Danny stays up all night worrying, which means he doesn't sleep.

Which means the next day at practice he does suck, which means, his coach has a point. It's a vicious cycle.

Whoo! If anybody calls, I left a half an hour ago.

No! Wait, tell them an hour. That way I'll be early.

You know, when we were dating, I never left for work without kissing you goodbye. I'm just saying.

Like I said, I was just saying.

Okay, say "buh-bye," it's time for your nap. Let's go.

Mama.

See? It sounds to me like Emma is really feeling the need for more of a female role model in her life.

Emma has plenty of female role models.

First of all, there's you. And my mom.

Hey, who's got some pot?

'Cause Bonnie Wheeler needs a dealer.

Well, one female role model is good enough.

I threw my back out at Pilates.

It's k*lling me.

I was trying to get extra bendy for my honeymoon with Brad, if you know what I mean. Huh?

Well, you got a guy 15 years younger than you, so I think Bendy Bonnie knows what she's doing.

Yeah, she does.

Give it up. Pssh!

Come on, Ben.

You're my bad son.

I know you're holdin'.

Actually, I haven't been holding any of that since I started holding this.

Ri... Oh, never mind.

It's like asking a nun if you can borrow a condom.

You know what, I'm just gonna call my high school hook-up.

I hope he still has the same beeper number.

Hey, Mom. Could you not plan a drug deal in front of my kid?

It's a question I shouldn't have to ask.

Hey, so maybe you were right after all.

Emma hasn't stopped saying "Mama" since this morning.

She even said it to the lady at the deli.

Oh, well, to be fair, her name is Mama.

Well, the point is, I think it's time I found a baby mama for her and a hot mama for me.

Ideally, it should be the same person but that's not set in stone. That's where you come in.

You want me to help you find the perfect woman?

Pfft. Well, as fun and awkward as that sounds, I think I'm gonna pass.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

You broke it, you fix it.

Come on!

Riley, I need you to pick someone smart and sophisticated, nurturing.

Really? That's what you're looking for now?

Well, if she has all those things, plus a few curves...

Ahh, there it is. I knew the real Ben was still in there somewhere.

Riley, I'm placing my future in your hands. Don't let me down.

Okay, um...

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Penny Paulsen! She would be perfect.

I work with her. She's an amazing lawyer, went to Yale, volunteers at an animal shelter, and I don't totally hate her.

Great! But does she have...

Yeah, she has two of them, and that better be enough.

Yup, two is good.

I mean, three would be overkill.

Wait, would it?

Oh, you know what, just set me up.

♪ I got the best weed, yeah, my green is the finest ♪
♪ I'm the queen of smoking pot so call me your highness ♪

Ha-ha! Snap, y'all.

Hey, Ma.

Oh, god, no!

Oh, damn it!

Ugh!

You're welcome!

Mom, what do you do when someone hates you?

Well, in my case, I apparently have their children.

I just had the worst practice of my life.

Coach keeps saying if I don't get it together, I'm gonna be traded.

But I can't get it together without a good night's sleep.

I just need to find a way to relax.

Well, I might have a friend who can help you.

Let me call her.

Boop, beep, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop.

Hello, Mary Jane?

Yes, I'd like you to meet my son, Danny.

Ahh!

Oh, my god. Is that what I think it is?

Well, I don't know. Do you think it's dope?

You don't have to call me stupid. I just thought it was marijuana.

Oh, god. Okay, listen.

Honey, yes, it is.

And I think you should smoke it.

Mom, you know I've never done dr*gs.

I'm a professional athlete. My body is a temple.

Yeah, well my body is a temple too.

But if you see smoke coming out of my steeple, it doesn't mean a new pope's been elected.

I'll be here all week.

Mom, you're not being very motherly.

Honey, I'm just trying to help you.

This is your career we're talking about.

You have to take this seriously.

Now take this.

Seriously.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm just gonna find another way to relax.

Hey.

And that way may have just walked in the front door.

Hey! What you doing with my stuff?

Look, Danny, I feel so bad that you've been awake all night pacing and worrying, and I really want to be there for you.

But while I'm being there for you, I need you to be sleeping here for me.

Ma!

Will you call your friend Mary Jane?

Danny: I got it, I got it. Okay.

Okay, okay, listen. Ready? I'm you. Okay.

If it wasn't for you kids, I could be a supermodel. Now get me some wine.

(both laughing)

This is good, right? Okay, okay, do me. You do me. Do me.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, yeah!

All right, all right.

(sniffling)

I've been in love with Riley my whole life, even when she was fat.

Oh, my god, it's like listening to a mirror.

Wait, wait, but Mom, wait, how do we know if we're high?

Mm-hmm.

Because I don't feel high.

I'm just relaxed, you know?

I feel like scales on a cosmic lizard gliding through the universe.

Shh!

Oh.

Perfect. I didn't think either of you were going to be here.

Now I don't have to drop Emma off at the babysitter.

(muffled laughter)

Why would you want somebody to sit on your baby?

Is he always like that?

What are you, Peter Pan?

(stammering)

He's like... like...

He's like a robot, like a Benbot.

(babbles)

I'm Ben Wheeler.

Say something else.

I'm so mad, I'm gonna put my hands on my hips.

Rawr!

Okay, looks like someone's back is feeling better.

Danny, you can watch Emma, right?

And sit on your baby!

I just got that!

Emma, pack your bag! We're getting the hell out of here!

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I went to go pick up Penny some flowers, but they were ten bucks, so I ditched that idea.

Well, Penny's not coming, Ben.

What? Why not?

Because you're not ready for Penny.

Well, then why am I here?

Okay, I did an analysis, and I found that there's one thing every failed relationship you've ever had has in common.

What's that?

You.

You have to face the facts.

I mean, when it comes to meeting women, you're all look and no listen.

Thank you.

It's... not a compliment.

This just proves that we need to build a better Ben.

All right, so, let's do a little test.

Hi. I'm Brie.

I'm from Alaska, and I love skiing and archeology.

Okay, now ask me a question about something I just said.

Whoa.

"Seven days of sexy bras." Riley, go to page 92 real quick.

It's like trying to train a dog to use a typewriter.

Only harder.

Oh, my god, no!

Grab it, and...

(groans)

Do not take being young for granted.

Some mornings, my boobs touch my toes before I do.

Good morning, ladies.

Now, who is ready for a beautiful day?

Answer: me.

Because I slept like a guy who...

Smoked two joints, ate four pizzas, and told the guy in 2C that culottes are making a comeback?

I should not have bought ten pairs of those online last night.

But I feel great.

I can't wait to get to practice. Thanks a lot, Mom.

Bye, honey.

Bye.

(door closes)

Now remember, Emma, dr*gs are never the answer.

Unless the question is, "How come Grandma went to Mexico on her honeymoon and didn't get a tan?"

It's a thinker, it's okay.

Hey, Mom, how do I look?

I'm about to go meet the future Mrs. Ben Wheeler for lunch.

Riley stayed up all night building a better me.

And I know what you're thinking, "How do you improve upon this?"

Hm. Not what I was thinking.

But she did, and now I'm ready to meet her.

Okay?

All right, Emma. I'll see you later. Wish me luck.

Oh, one more thing.

I know you're the one who wrote "Bonnie Rules" in spray cheese in the hallway. Clean it up.

Well, Bonnie does rule.

All right, come on. (groans)

Oh, god. Emma.

Oh, my god, my back.

All right, I'm going down. I'm going down.

I'm going down. Emma, clear.

I'm going down, I'm going down.

(grunts)

Oh, Emma.

Emma, do you know how to open the refrigerator?

The Chardonnay's on the top shelf, run.

Run!

Which is why owning a bar is great.

I mean, of course it's nowhere near as impressive as being a lawyer.

What's your specialty?

Oh, my god, did you hear that?

He brought the conversation back to her.

My heart is so full right now.

Is it me or is it really hot in here?

So, um... you were saying something about... the law?

Yeah.

I loved law school.

- I went to the University of Rhode Island...

(Thinking) Don't look down.

(continues talking)

Don't look down.

Dude, come on. family program for their law school.

Oh, no, what did she say?

Something about Rhode Island? Say something about Rhode Island!

I love Rhode Island!

(thinking) Nailed it.

I wonder if those are real.

He's out, Riley.

I lost him.

What? No, no, no. Penny, come on!

No! I was just momentarily distracted.

God!

I can't believe I blew it.

It's okay.

You know, I knew you would.

So, that was a practice Penny.

What? You expected me to fail?

Oh, come on. Even you expected you to fail.

Okay, well if you think you know me so well, what am I thinking right now?

You're wondering if they're real or not.

Okay, well what am I thinking right now?

Same thing.

Damn it.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, honey.

Mom, I just had my best practice of the season.

Even the coach noticed.

Yeah, really? What'd he say?

Nothing. But he usually says I suck, so "nothing" is a huge improvement.

Oh, and get this, I found out that we're gonna have a drug test before the game tonight, so how lucky is it that we smoked last night, not this morning?

What? Danny!

Marijuana stays in your system for like two weeks.

If it didn't, I would be an air traffic controller right now.

What?

No, no, no. This isn't happening!

The first time I do the pot, I totally ruin my career?

This is all your fault.

Okay, all right, Danny, just relax.

Okay, you hardly smoked any, all right?

Hey, although a puff or two right now might calm you right down.

Mom! Drug test!

All right, you're right, you're right.

You know what, people outsmart these tests all the time.

We just have to find out how they do it.

Okay.

"How to pass a drug test."

No, not rug test.

Oh, my gosh, these are some nice rugs.

I should probably just totally rearrange my living room.

$400, are you...

Mom! Come on, focus!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, honey. I'm sorry, I might have had one too many of those cookies earlier.

Wait, these cookies?

Danny! No! Oh, god!

What is wrong with you?

Those cookies are full of pot.

What?

Who would bake pot into perfectly innocent cookies?

It was probably that awful Mary Jane.

I am gonna go find her, and when I do, I am gonna give her a piece of my mind.

Pulled a lot of strings with my boss to get us into the firm's skybox, so do not let me down, Wheeler.

Otherwise, the next box that I get you into will have handles on the side.

Oh, she of little faith, I got this.

And if I don't, I got the popcorn girl's number just in case.

(chuckles) I'm just... totally kidding.

Penny!

Find a Penny, pick her up.

Don't say that.

Penny, hi. Uh, this is Ben.

Hi, pleasure to meet you.

Hi, Ben. Riley's told me a lot about you.

Oh, well you know, she's a notorious liar, so...

Don't worry, it was all good.

Like I said, she's a notorious liar.

(chuckles) I can't wait to hear about you.

(thinking) Wow.

She has beautiful eyes.

There's something you don't see everyday.

Quick, do something nice.

Let me hang that up for you.

Oh, you know what, hey, why don't I do it?

I mean, I seem to be standing in the way anyway.

And now I'm just standing here talking to myself.

So, might as well go drink by myself.

Up high, down low, real slow.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

Danny.

What?

Danny.

Huh? What?

I G-O-T the pee.

You got goat pee?

Oh, god!

No! Just regular pee, you big stoner.

Okay. All right, this is Emma's.

And unless she's sparking up behind our backs, it's clean.

So, um... just sneak this into your drug test, okay?

Oh, my god, Mom, thank you so much!

I couldn't have done it without you.

Oh, wait, wait.

Someone else is hugging you.

Oh.

Oh, never mind, it was just my other hand.

Ah, you're the best Mom ever.

Well, actually, the best Mom would be the one who didn't tell you to smoke a bunch of weed.

Wait.

Where's the bottle?

What bottle?

The bottle! The bottle that is gonna save your career.

Stop that!

All right.

Oh, my god, Danny, do you know how hard it is to get a baby to pee into a funnel?

Okay, don't worry, I will find it. Just stay here and...

(whispers) try not to act high. Okay?

I'm not high.

Quit looking at me.

You know what, I'm really glad we met.

You're a great listener and might I add, definitely one of the good guys.

Mm, thanks. It's not easy for us nice guys to get the recognition we deserve.

Oh, no.

Is everything okay?

Ben, I am so glad I found you.

Uh, Mom, this is Penny. Penny, Mom.

Also, Mom, that's the door.

Door, Mom. Mom, door!

Your brother is high as a kite right now and he needs your help.

(snorts)

Could you excuse us for just two seconds?

Mom, I did not spend the last 48 hours de-Ben-ing myself so you could Wheeler me back in.

Just whiz into this bottle so your brother will pass his drug test and he can stay on the team.

All right, and then I'll be on my way.

I just went, I'm all tapped out.

(scoffs)

What am I supposed to do?

Just walk up to some random stranger and ask if I can borrow a cup of pee?

I already tried that.

Is everything okay?

What about her?

No.

(grunts) Fine.

(chuckles)

Hey, um, Penny, this is actually pretty funny.

Uh, but I was wondering if I could ask you just a quick teensy, weensy favor that isn't weird at all.

Will you mind, uh, filling this bottle with your urine so my brother doesn't fail his drug test?

I'll hold your wine.

Hey. Hey.

Have you seen Danny Wheeler?

Yeah. He's passed out in the training room.

If he doesn't turn his cup in in five minutes, he'll get suspended.

Oh, my god. What am I gonna do?

Game on.

(deep voice) Wheeler.

All right, time to go.

Let's hit the ice!

(all cheering)

Bonnie: Wait a second, I forgot to put on my cup!

I'm sorry. I screwed up.

Any way that was also a fake Penny?

Nope.

You asked the actual girl to pee in a water bottle.

But you know what, you aren't the only one that screwed this up.

I can't believe I forgot to factor in the whole Wheeler family.

I can change you as much as I want, but it takes a pretty special person to love all the Wheelers.

You should know. You kind of have loved all the Wheelers.

Shut it.

Look, Riley, I may be all look and no listen, but I'm also all love and no judgment.

And that is the kind of person I need to find for Emma and for me.

The bottom line is if you don't find a guy asking you to pee in a bottle on the first date funny, then I'm not the guy for you.

I need a girl who likes me for me.

I'm sure she's out there somewhere and when the time's right, we'll find each other.

Wow.

That was really deep.

Honey, um, hi.

What... What are you doing? What are you doing up here?

Aren't you supposed to be down there?

Wait, isn't that you?

Wow.

I'm playing great.

(crashing)

(Crowd groans)

Get up, Danny! Get up!

(Zoey laughs)

I can't believe you asked your date to pee in a cup. That's hilarious.

Right? Thank you.

Oh, I, um... I almost forgot. Um...

Here's that bottle you wanted to borrow.

Thanks. I'm completely out, I don't know where they keep disappearing to.

Just be glad you don't have roommates that steal them for beer.

(both chuckle)

Anything else I can do for you?

Uh, no. That was it.

I'll see you around.

Okay.

So much for that idea.

Mommy!

Yeah, I'm sorry, baby. That's not Mama.

That's just a friend.

I don't think she sees me that way.

Hey, where you going, huh?

Oh, there you are.

I've been meaning to thank you for helping me out last night.

But I am done.

I've learned my lesson.

I am not using mind-altering substances anymore.

Well, that's nice, honey.

But you know what would really help you learn your lesson?

Being suspended for three games.

What?

Yeah, it turns out that Penny Paulsen was a bit of a pothead, so...

Oh, god, my back. It's still k*lling me.

(sighs deeply) Ow.

Take two of these and call me in the morning.

And the student becomes the master.