11x06 - Being Frank

[bunniefuu]

(snoring, phone ringing)

(soft groaning, sighs)

(phone chimes)

(mutters)

Frank: Oh, where am I? Oh.

(phone chimes)

Oh.

Where am I?

Oy, I made it home.

(phone chimes)

Oh, God.

Oh. Oh.

(beep)

Ah.

I don't know. Where am I supposed to be?

(phone chimes)

Oh, sh*t, look.

f*ck. Okay.

(grunts)

Get up.

Oh, I drank too much.

Ooh, got to piss. Got to piss. Got to pee.

Where's the toilet? Where's the toilet?

Ah, there it is.

Oh!

(grunting)

(flatulence squeaks)

Ah, Frank.

Pull yourself together, get to the bar.

(muttering)

Eh, eh. Eh.

Mm, mm. Mm.

Still got it.

All righty, here we go. See what we're getting into today.

It's only a backup. You're gonna be fine.

If everybody sticks to the tasks that I've carefully tailored for each of you, then you're gonna be great.

Everything's gonna work out.

Frank: Oh, sh*t!

Frank, do you know what's happening?

Frank: Mm, play it cool, play it cool.

Ah, Dennis, I know what's happening.

Ah!

My God. -So what?

Well, if we were just asking if everybody knows what's going on, I just want to say that I do.

I wasn't asking.

We're not. He didn't. That's not what's going on.

He didn't ask that. That's not the thing.

I wasn't. All right, you know what?

Let's just... let's go over the blueprint, okay?

Yeah, the blueprint. I want everybody to map out their positions. Specifically...

Frank: All right, here's your chance to catch up. Look at the blueprint. Listen to the vain one. He knows the deal. What's his name again? Is it Damon? No. Delroy. No. DeMarcus. Why can't I think of his name today? sh**t! I think he just explained the plan!

So I think we're good.

Yeah. Frank, you ready to run us all through it again?

Frank: sh*t. Deflect! Deflect!

Shut up, bird!

(laughter)

Don't ask him to run us back through it.

He knows the plan.

All right, good.

So we're good. Let's-let's do it.

Yeah. Frank. Let's do it.

Frank: Nice save, Frankie.

Like, your timing is...

(mocking): You're so funny every time.

Frank, what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you going, man?

You got to stay back here on the walkie in case of an emergency.

Right, yeah, emergency.

Right, okay, and you have your walkie, right?

Frank: No.

Yes. Great.

All right.

All right, let's do it.

We'll be in touch.

Ah, sh*t!

Got to get home. Got to get that walkie.

Starving.

(whistle sounds)

Oh, what's that?

Pondy. Aha!

"Let's party."

Ha! Sorry, Pondy. Can't.

(phone whistles, buzzes)

Old tits. He's saying I'm old.

g*dd*mn it, Pondy's the coolest.

L... O... M?

Yeah, "M." Stupid phone!

L... O... L.

(horn honking)

(horn honking, tires squealing, loud thudding)

Ah, sh*t! Probably Asians.

Oh, walkie, walkie, walkie, walkie. Where?

Where the hell did I put that thing?

Where the hell is it? Ah, sh*t.

I'll get... There it is. Okay, got it. I'm here.

Dennis: Keep the line clear, you idiot. Over.

Roger that.

Stop talking! Over.

Well, well, well.

g*dd*mn it!

(laughing)

Frank: I hate this slimy bastard.

Where's the rent, Frank?

In my pocket where it's gonna stay until you fix the plumbing.

You're playing games with me, Frank.

I don't like games.

You know what I like?

This sandwich.

It's snake meat.

(laughing) Snake meat?

Huh. Is that what you people eat?

Yeah, snake meat.

(laughing) I hope you choke on that, and you die, you piece of sh*t.

You slime ball bastard!

(choking)

Frank: Oh. Oh, sh*t! He is choking.

(laughs) You son of a bitch!

Frank? (choking) (laughing)

You're dying, you bastard.

Look at me. You're dying.

Give me that g*dd*mn thing!

Snake meat, huh? Hmm.

Mmm, mmm. Mmm!

(choking)

(choking)

Oh, went down the wrong pipe.

(coughing) Now I'm choking.

(groans, guttural gurgles) (mutters)

Light's going out.

(expl*sive pops, glass breaking)

(choking)

(thudding)

I don't want to die looking at you, you sack of sh*t!

Yet! Ooh, sh*t.

I'm checking out.

(breathes heavily) Somebody throw me in the trash.

(high-pitched droning tone)

Frank: Where am I? Where am I?! Oh! Am I dead? Huh? Am I in hell?!

(rhythmic beeping)

No. I d*ed and went to heaven. Oh, come to Papa. Let me have 'em.

Rest up now. You're in the hospital.

Everything's okay.

Mr. Reynolds, you're a very lucky man.

If it weren't for that choking fit, we would have never been able to run tests, and...

We found something. You have a very serious disease, but fortunately, we caught it just in time...

There's a malignant tumor on your front lobe...

Frank: Oh, look at those Winnebagos. Shaboya roll call! I would like to take a ride down the Grand Canyon in those honeys.

(Frank whoops)

Which sadly means, we might have to remove it.

Huh?

Dennis (over walkie-talkie): Frank!

Frank, come in. Over.

sh*t, I got to go.

Sir, sir. You shouldn't be running anywhere.

Your condition may be terminal.

Out of my way!

Wait, please, sir, whatever you do, don't...

(sputtering)

(gasps)

(slap)

(grunts)

Frank, Frank, come in. Over.

I'm on my way.

Aw, sh*t. I need a ride.

I'll bet Pondy will pick me up.

(tires screech)

Party mobile's here!

Thanks for the ride, Pondy!

Hop in, Frank.

Aw, g*dd*mn it, Pondy's the coolest.

It's official, Frank. I divorced that cheatin' bitch.

Yeah. I mean, I cheated on her, too.

But who's keeping score, right? (chuckles)

Anywho, I got a nest egg to blow so that whore can't touch it.

Let's rage!

Hey. Here. Take an aspirin.

That ain't aspirin.

It ain't aspirin. (chuckles)

Does Frankenstein want to come out and play?

I'm sorry, Pondy. No dr*gs for me today. I need to keep my wits about me.

Lame!

More for me.

Charlie (over walkie): Yo, Frank!

We're outside the bakery on 6th Street. Where the hell are you?

Pondy, I need the car. Solo.

Roger dodger.

I'll just drop myself off at the roller rink, you know?

Get some strange. Hop in, baby.

Pondy is the coolest.

(tires screech)

♪ Rock you like a hurricane... ♪

Frank: Oh, look. Dumb bird got a boot on her car.

You're right! You're right, I'm wrong, okay?! (horn honks)

Get in the car.

God. Where the hell have you been?

Don't blame him. He's not the one who got a g*dd*mn boot on his car.

Whose car is this, anyway?

Ponderosa's.

Pondero... Aw, we're all over the place, man!

What?

What are we doing in this car? No, no, no, no, no. We're good, we're good, okay?

Except why aren't we moving yet, Frank?

Frank: All right.

(tires screeching)

Okay. All right. We're good. Let's huddle up, you guys.

Let's review the plan. Okay, listen. Pay attention. So, Frank, you're on guard dog duty. Dee, Charlie, and I are gonna distract the guard. Mac is tossing the rug over the barbed wire and sneaking in.

Yeah?

I'm still lost.

Uh, one problem. We're gonna need a new rug because I threw it clean over.

Dee: What?

Oh. g*dd*mn it!

Charlie: Oh, Jesus, dude!

Dee: How'd this happen? All you had to do was drape it on the barbed wire and-and climb over the fence.

I'm too strong.

I'm sorry, Dennis. (sighs)

"Too strong." Okay, well, you know what, don't apologize to me. Apologize to everybody else that you let down. All right, we don't have time for apologies.

What's Plan B here? Does anyone know?

There is no g*dd*mn Plan B. I don't know.

All right, Mac, you got to find some other way over that fence.

We'll go... we'll go distract the guard.

I-I... Yeah, yeah. Let's get a look at the schedule, maybe? Just got to figure out Let's go. Come on. what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Hey, Frank?

Do you think that Dennis hates me?

What? I just want him to think that I'm cool, you know?

And I just feel like...

Is this a little bit lame?

I just feel like I can talk to you about this kind of stuff.

Yeah? Oh, yeah, you can tell me anything.

Really? Oh, well, honestly, I just feel like...

Oh, God, this one creeps me out. I hate being alone with him. If he touches me, I swear to God I'm gonna freak out.

...you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. Totally, totally.

Yeah, okay. Well, look, if you could just casually, off the cuff, mention that I can bench-press...

What is that, fudge? ...I think that he'll respect me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, what are you doing? Mmm.

Those are dog treats laced with sleeping pills.

Those are for the guard dog.

Tasty. I'm gonna keep eating it.

Maybe I could just hop the fence, you know? I mean...

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. I know where there's another rug.

I know where I can get a rug real quick. What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, wait, we'll go...

Are you sure you can drive, dude?

Out of my way, creep.

Aah!

Franklin, thank you for coming.

Yeah, I got no time for swapping loads. I'm in a jam.

Whoa, Jews!

What is this?

We're sitting shiva, for my Aunt Joyce.

Come, meet my family.

That dog stuff is kicking in.

Lisa.

Ooh, hoo. Shabooya roll call. Aw, sh*t. There's the rug. Under the buffet table.

(distorted): Mom, Dad, this is my part-time lover, Frank Reynolds.

I am starting to feel woozy. Say something smart.

Uh, uh, excuse me, I'm full of dog poison.

(gasping)

(grunting, panting)

That's not good. That's not good, Frankie.

What's happening? What's happening?

What's happening?

(inflating sounds)

Come on. Come on. Frankie.

(sputtering)

Hello, Frank.

Artie.

Better go get that rug out from under that table, Frank.

Got to get the-the rug. I'm getting a rug.

(hooting) What? There are dr*gs in the medicine cabinet.

There's dr*gs in the medicine cabinet!

Uppers, uppers, uppers, uppers.

(grunting, muttering)

Jackpot!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ooh. Crush it.

Crush it, Frankie.

What are you gonna do?

(distorted): Oh, slowin' down.

Need uppers.

(groans)

(sniffing)

(music fast-forwarding)

(laughs)

It's Frankenstein! Ha!

♪ ♪

Frank? Are you okay?

Rug, rug, rug, rug.

Get out of the way, Jew. Out of my way.

What's happening?

(chuckles) Back off. Frank!

What's going on?

Rug! Frank!

(growling, snarling)

(horns honking)

Car. Come on. Come on.

Don't get k*lled, don't get k*lled.

Watch the car, watch the car.

(tires screech, horn honks)

Get in the car.

(muttering breathily)

(dog barking)

Get out of here!

(whimpers)

Heya, kid. Balloon.

Food! Got to get a hot dog.

Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog.

Ow, hot! Hot!

Need booze.

Now flush it out. Now flush it out.

Booze, booze, booze!

(loud drinking)

Got to flush them out.

(muttering)

I'm coming.

Oh, sick. Oh, sick.

Get out of here!

(retching)

Ah, that's better.

Got to modulate, Frankie.

(phone whistles)

(phone chirps)

I'm coming, Pondy. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Don't worry about it, Pondy!

(thudding)

(tires squealing)

I'm coming! Where is he?

Pondy? Where is he?! Where is he?!

Oh. Keep that engine running, Frankie!

(thudding, Bill groans)

Screwed up, Frank.

What did you do?

I got handsy with some pretty young thing.

She looked 18 to me. I don't know.

I'm out of control!

Oh, sh*t.

Pop the glove compartment, Frank.

(panting)

(Bill chuckles)

Someone's dying today, baby.

No, Pondy!

(g*nsh*t)

Give me that g*n! You got too much to live for!

You're right, Frank. You're right.

Everything's gonna be okay. Everything's going to be okay.

Come here!

(grunts)

(indistinct chatter)

Frank: I'm coming, Pondy!

Eat sh*t! Daddy!

Frank: Ah.

Oh, he's getting his ass kicked!

Get out of my face, old man, before I kick your ass and throw you in that trunk.

Frank: Now think of something tough to say.

Nice nips, cupcake.

(high-pitched tone)

Frank: What's happening? Oh, sh*t, that bald bitch knocked me out. I'm in the trunk, aren't I? How long have I been in here? Ah! Still got the g*n!

(g*nshots)

(squeaking)

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Where am I? Oh, sh*t. I'm at an impound. Pondy's car must have got towed here. Oh, my head, is... Oh. Oh. Oh, is that the g*ng? Why are they dressed like cops?

Hey! What the hell are you guys doing?

Frank? Frank!

He's in there.

Frank! What?!

(overlapping chatter)

Awesome! He did it! You did it, man!

Okay, okay, now go get Dennis' car!

Yeah, come on.

That... Get Dennis' car?

(Frank gasps)

Hey, your name is Dennis!

What the hell are you talking about?

Dude, get my car before the guard comes back!

Go! Go!

Go!

Okay, I'm on it. I'm on it.

(thudding)

On it.

g*dd*mn!

All (sighing): Oh!

Dee: Big spill.

Oh, are you okay, man? Are you all right?

You all right, Frank?! You all right?

Charlie, you there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. Your glasses are right in front of you. Just-just... Where?

Hurry! Yeah, go, go, go, go!

Faster, Frank! Faster!

Where?

They're right there!

Right there!

(barks, growling)

Aw, sh*t!

(barking)

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run!

Run, run, run, run, Frank! Run, Frank!

(loud thudding)

Eat glass, you mangy mutt.

(barking, engine starting)

(tires squealing)

(engine revving)

(tires squeak)

Frank: Come on, think of something cool to say.

Anybody need a ride?

(laughter)

Come on!

That's right. Frankie, number one.

Nice, Frankie! You came through! Aw, crap. This one's gonna sit in the front. I hope he doesn't try to touch me.

Don't touch me!

Oh, sh*t, dude, I'm sorry.

Frank: Think of something. Think of something good.

Dee's a bird! (laughs)

(laughter)

(high-pitched sigh)

She is a bird! She is a bird!

That's nice!

(tires screech)

(moaning) It's only a bird.

(grunts)

You getting in there deep, Frank?

Oh, yeah. (sighs)

(whoops)

What a day, man.

Oh, what a day.

Yeah, it sure was, Charlie. I'll tell you, though.

Great work, bud. You k*lled it, really.

Ah, thanks, Charlie.

When you got a good plan, you stick to it.

Piece of cake.

(laughing): Yeah.

All right, well... I guess we should go to sleep.

We've got a big day tomorrow.

We do?

Yeah! With...

(both laughing)

You're just messing with me, aren't you?

Oh, you know exactly what we're doing tomorrow, don't you?

Of course I do. (chuckles)

We got the thing with the thing. Uh, the thing.

We... yeah, we probably should go to sleep.

Yeah. All right, well.

Hmm.

Could go to sleep, or, uh... we could play one quick game of night crawlers.

Oh. Aah! You down for that?

(laughs) I knew you would be.

All right, let me get the blanket, let me get the blanket.

Okay.

Darkness falls.

(in old lady voice): And magic stirs.

As we become... the creatures of the night... (howling)