01x05 - Fumigation

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

♪

If you're watching this VHS--yes, VHS.

I bought thousands of 'em. I've got to use 'em somehow.

Anyway, if you're watching this, it means-- well, it means I'm dead.

Oh, my God.

[laughing]

I'm joshing you, Billie. I'm not dead.

However, the same cannot be said of the wood in this house.

It is--it is infested with termites, so Tanzy and I, we're headed off to Mexico for the weekend to, you know, avoid the fumes.

I'm sure you can handle everything.

I've already called the exterminator.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Uh, well, that's it. End communication.

[clears throat]

Hi.

[gasps]

I'm Fran, the exterminator.

I let myself in, like the bugs.

[chuckles]

[slurping]

Ahh.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

So this is our most ecofriendly option, kind of gets rid of the termites without getting rid of the bees, which apparently we need.

It takes a week, and it works approximately 20% of the time.

Don't love those odds.

We also have this option here.

It's our most popular.

It does leave a residual smell, kind of like a really old coffee.

I enjoy it personally, and that one works, eh, a solid 35% of the time.

Do you have anything that works all the time?

Or...

I mean...

Oh.

Can I trust you?

Can you trust--yes.

I can trust you.

Yes.

Okay.

I mean, you can't tell anybody this, okay?

I've been working on a solution, a mixture...

Uh-huh.

In a little shed outside in the back--

What is it?

It's--it's actually my ticket out of this uniform.

Okay.

I named it after my sick kid.

Did I tell you I have a sick kid?

No, I just met you.

Yeah.

His name's Rico.

Okay.

That's a nice name.

Anyway, the formula?

It's just, you can't tell anybody about it, okay?

I mean, I swear.

Okay.

I swear on my sick kid.

Oh, okay.

You don't have to do that.

So that main-- what do you call that little guest house out there?

That's clear.

Guest house.

Yeah, this main house, you're gonna have to tent the whole thing.

You know what that means, don't you?

Oh, my God, have you been there the whole time?

Slumber party! Right?

I'm in. I mean, I don't know about Rico, but...

[chuckles] I'm in.

I think she just means us.

Oh, no, he can come.

I didn't do it.

100% termites.

We'll do the weird top-secret formula. Not weird.

We'll do the--we'll do Rico.

♪

[phone ringing]

It's ringing.

[laughs] Shh.

Hello?

[whispers] You do it.

[whispers] No, you.

[with accent] Joy?

This is the policia.

Your parents, they--they d*ed.

Yeah, they d*ed two years ago.

Hang up before she knows who it is.

Okay. Sorry, Joy. It's Gene and Billie.

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't know.

This is fun, though, right?

Slumber party was a good call, huh?

Thank you. I've actually never been to one.

[loudly] Moms used to always say that I was, like, too loud or something.

Yeah.

I never knew what they were talking about.

I can see that.

You can see what?

The too loud thing.

Like personality or just vocally?

Vocally.

Yeah.

Well, you--obviously, you know my whole history with slumber parties.

No.

I don't want to talk about it.

Cool.

I mean, I was invited to one once.

W--

I--

But I choose not to discuss it.

All right, yeah, I mean, if it's a bummer, I don't care about hearing it.

I said I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah.

All right.

The elephant's already in the room, you know?

Might as well give it a peanut.

The elephant?

The--give the elephant--

Give the elephant a peanut?

Tell my story, my tale of woe.

Is your story about an elephant getting a peanut?

No, it's about a slumber party.

Oh, I don't want to hear that then.

[upbeat music]

Oh.

That's her.

Deborah Denise.

Ooh, two first names. What a bitch.

Which one are you?

Oh, Jesus, you look like a western ghost.

Yeah, I started high school two years early, so I hadn't developed yet.

Plus, I dressed like Temple Grandin.

Oh, well, at least you got invited to a slumber party.

That's cool.

Yeah, but that's it.

It was a joke.

When I got there, they all threw flour at me.

They antiqued you?

Yeah, and they used to call me "Grandma Billie" because they thought...

[laughs] Sorry.

I was, like, buttoned-up and boring, which is, like, totes cray, right?

Don't say that.

Plus, it didn't help that I had foot surgery freshman year, so I had to walk with a cane.

Well, I wouldn't go to Deborah Denise's stupid slumber party if she paid me to.

I would.

Really?

I mean only if she paid me.

I don't have a lot of money right now.

Hey!

Knock it off, girl.

Stop!

Stop saying stupid stuff, and I will, girl.

Stop saying "girl."

[chuckles]

That was a good one.

Get it, Grandma.

You got it, Grandma.

I'm not a grandma, Deborah Denise!

I hope you never have children and they don't have children, so you will never be a grandma!

You [bleep] bitch!

Should we just do something else?

Sorry.

Smokin'!

[both chuckling]

[French accent] I will reveal my croissant.

From "The Mask," the movie.

Oh, God. I love Cher.

What?

Never have I ever made out with your dad.

Something you think I have done.

Oh. Okay, sorry about that.

I dare you to eat a tube of toothpaste.

I'd eat a little bite.

Burn your closet. Cut yourself. Cut yourself.

Truth. Truth.

Sweet bong.

That's not a bong. That's my sleep apnea mask.

Where's your weed?

I don't want to talk about it.

Then we're not going to.

Name a movie star you'd like to have as your big brother.

That is tough one. Ira Glass.

No, that's too sexy.

[imitates expl*si*n]

Never have I ever made out with my dad.

[choking]

Oh, my God.

You made out with my dad?

No, I was just choking.

How was he?

Gross.

Not a good kisser?

When your first kiss was.

22.

22 years or 22 months?

Ed Begley, Jr.

Ed Begley, Jr.

Oops. I guess we're done.

What are we gonna do next?

Play hide-and-seek?

58, 59, 60.

Ready or not, here I come!

I'm actually pretty good at this, Gene.

I was hide-and-seek champion in my middle school.

They had to close down the school and bring in scent dogs to..

Find me.

Oh, no.

Gene!

Gene?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Gene!

Gene?

Gene?

Gene?

[coughs]

[retches]

Oh, yeah.

[dramatic music]

♪

Gene!

This isn't funny.

The toxicity levels are high.

Gene.

[both screaming]

Elephant in the room! Elephant in the room!

Elephant in the room!

J.C. Christ, what were you doing?

You scared me. I thought you were Bane.

It's my sleep apnea mask, and it's not even working, so can we go, like, now?

No!

What?

No!

Gene, you cannot be in here, okay?

It is dangerous.

You know what my response is to that?

[coughs] Fine. Stay in here.

Great slumber party, by the way.

It worked out really well.

You'll probably die, but enjoy.

Well, it would've turned out well-er if you weren't such a killjoy.

It's like you m*rder*d the maid.

You get it? 'Cause Joy's--

Yeah.

Both: The maid.

Killjoy.

God, do you ever have any fun?

Getting out of here.

Go ahead.

Walk away, Grandma.

What did you just call me?

Grand... ma.

Or is your hearing going?

And that's your name, isn't it?

You know my name is just Billie.

"Oh, hi, I'm Billie. I like to do my Asian newspaper puzzles and complain about how good music used to be."

Stop it. That's not me.

"Oh, hi, I'm Billie. Ooh, I get the shivers every time someone takes my blanket off of my wheelchaired legs. Oh, hi, I'm Billie!"

Stop introducing me!

"Hi, I'm Billie, or you could just call me Drew Barrymore, 'cause I ain't never been kissed."

[chuckles]

That was so good and so mean.

[classic rock music]

That was my mid back, which is one of my most sensitive spots, and you know that.

What are you gonna do with that?

Take this, you piece of S.

Stay there.

Why?

You've been coned.

Grandma!

What are you doing?

[laughing]

[both screaming]

Get off of me!

[muttering]

I don't have a key for the lock!

[shouts]

[beeping]

What was that?

What? My ankle monitor's off.

O.M. gosh, you know what that means, right? We're going out.

We have to call your caseworker.

What?

We're not going out.

Billie, please.

I've been stuck in the house for 20 days now.

Way longer than that.

20 days!

We're going out.

I'll tell.

What?

If you leave, I'll tell.

Aren't you tired of k*lling the fun, Billie?

You're tired of it.

It's Friday night.

Sunday.

It's Sunday night, Billie.

[Southern accent] And I may not be a religious person, but I believe it was God who turned my ankle monitor off.

You're not from the South.

There's a reason.

"The reason is you," to quote Hoobastank.

This is your chance.

Your chance, Billie, to prove to everyone that you're not that lame little grandma that Deborah Denise said that you were.

And to quote someone in class yesterday, "She who commands the future conquers the past."

I-I didn't say that.

Didn't you?

I don't think so.

Didn't you say that?

Mm, nope.

Nope. You know what?

I ordered Chinese food. It was on a fortune cookie.

Cookie makes sense though, right?

Mm-mm.

♪ We're going out ♪
♪ Yeah, we're going out to a nightclub ♪
♪ You've got the invite ticket ♪
♪ The one that says RSVP for the discotheque ♪
♪ That's the one, that's the very one ♪
♪ With boys and booze and dance floor styles ♪
♪ Boys get boners due to your moves ♪

Let's go to the nightclub.

Okay. Okay.

[magical music]

You look like Moira Kelly from "The Cutting Edge."

You sure this isn't too, like, "I'm an ice skater"?

It is but in the best way.

[coughs] Are you crying?

No, it's the fumes.

They're, like, really getting to my eyes.

I think we should get out of here.

Yeah.

[Weekend Money's "p*ssy Gold" playing]

♪ Pretty face, full figure ♪
♪ She stay but go get it, she ain't a gold-digger ♪
♪ But yet she think her p*ssy gold ♪
♪ Gold ♪
♪ Her p*ssy gold, gold ♪

Where's the car?

I ordered an Uber, like, five minutes ago.

I don't know where this thing is.

It's, like, a stretch.

Blaine is driving.

So where are you from?

You know where I'm from.

I know. I'm just bored.

Yeah, me too.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Club girls coming through.

Hello, four sh*ts of literally whatever... alcoholic.

Is that all for you?

Yeah.

What are you having, Billie?

Brandy Alexander.

Billie.

I thought we were leaving... your AARP discount card... at home tonight.

That's a lot of alcohol.

Order a real drink, Billie.

Okay.

I'll have a vodka cosmopolitan with an orange slice.

Come on.

Okay.

Hold the orange slice.

Okay, fine. I'll just have what she's having.

Yes!

sh*ts of alcohol. Cheers.

You have a d*ck, right? Let's party.

[dance music]

This music is super fresh.

Yeah, it's DJ Doghead. He's my favorite.

Why do they call him that?

'Cause his head is a dog head.

And he's a DJ, so the DJ and then the dog head.

I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Time for a club pic!

Oh, picture of us at a nightclub!

Whoo-hoo!

Let's do it.

I'll take it.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Ready?

[camera clicks]

Oh, God. Is that really--

Oh, my gosh, is that what we look like?

We are two fat b*tches.

It's not great.

Jesus.

I'll get someone to take it.

Hey, pretty boy with the tail, dovetails.

Can you take this picture?

Go--can you go a little further back, so we look good?

Yeah.

What the--

Oh, my God, he-he just took my phone! Hey!

Okay, you know what?

It's okay. Look, let me--drink this.

Who does that?

I know.

But drink it, and you'll feel better.

Yeah?

You're right. I feel better.

Yeah?

Did I always have gum in my mouth?

♪

DJ Doghead, I love you.

He pointed at me. Totally pointed at me.

[murmurs]

Yeah.

What's he doing?

I think he wants us to go with him.

Oh, [bleep], son!

We just got invited to the dog pound!

Randy Jackson style.

Yeah.

It's cool if we have these?

That's awesome.

I'm Gene, and this is Billie.

Why don't you take your head off?

No, Billie, he doesn't take his head off.

He's DJ Doghead, okay?

He never takes his head off.

Ah.

It's a thing.

I take it off.

I take it off all the time.

It gets hot in there.

Both: Chris Klein?

You're DJ Doghead?

Yeah, I've been DJing for, like, deuce years now.

There's just something about loud music and tight spaces, you know.

I just love it when the b*at drops and everybody's face is like, "Whoa, the b*at just dropped."

That is what it's like.

Yeah, that's what I do.

I'm like, "Whoa!"

Right? Right?

That must be so fresh.

Oh, on a fresh level, it is the froshest.

You should be New Chet.

Gene.

What?

What's that?

Oh, Chet's my dead best friend.

You don't look like him or anything, but he was cool, and you're cool too.

So you're New Chet.

Don't die.

What you said made zero sense, but I love a nickname.

I'll totally be New Chet!

Yes!

Yeah!

DJ Dog Chet.

Both: DJ Dog Chet.

Whoo!

It's the same syllables.

♪ We rock and rollers

all: Whoo!

♪ Them Lamborghini doors up ♪
♪ We be at the party with them Lamborghini doors up ♪
♪ Hopping up and down, what you know about that? ♪
♪ Ha ha ♪

Yeah!

Ghost p*ssy.

That's what God looks like when he eats clouds.

[imitates chomping]

Hey, God, what you doing in a nightclub?

He's having a good time.

God, you in the nightclub.

Just having a good time, Billie.

Whoo!

Take that. We got to go.

What? No!

Chris Klein is getting us drinks.

I said we have to go, Gene.

No.

This is, like, the best night of my life!

I was even thinking about chanting that later.

Deborah Denise is here.

What? I can't hear you.

It's too loud.

I said...

[music stops]

Deborah Denise is here!

I think she heard you.

We can still get out of here.

No, Billie, you have to face this.

I can't feel my feet!

That's 'cause you have really high shoes on.

You just want to stay here because you're having fun!

No, that is not it.

It is so it.

Okay, it's, like, 80% of it, okay, but the other 30% is that I want you to deal with this. I think she just walked up.

She's right here. She's looking at me.

I think she's just right there.

Walk up to her, and just say something cool and bitchy.

Okay.

Yeah.

She can hear everything we're saying.

Get it.

Got it.

Hey, there.

Nope.

Grandma Billie, is that you?

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't a nurse be lowering you into an Epsom salt bath?

Yeah. Yes, if by "a nurse," you mean a hot dude, and by "Epsom salt bath," you mean a really big Epsom salt bath.

Oh!

Nice comeback, Betty White.

Oh, more like Betty What?

'Cause you're not even cool to me anymore.

Pfft. Got her.

Got her in the club.

Nailed her. Not in the good way.

Excuse me?

She's--what she's saying is you look like old Barbie doll doo-doo, okay?

[chuckles]

Okay, bay-bay?

Okay, well, you look like ice-capade puke.

Ladies, brought us some Klein coolers.

Well, they're just wine coolers, but I bought 'em, so technically, that's right.

No, this is not the time, New Chet, okay?

We're in the middle of a catfight.

Well, then let the dog handle it.

Dance off!

In this corner...

Oh.

Yeah!

[all cheering]

Oh, my God, Billie.

That was so fresh, it was unreal.

She fell like John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever."

To John Travolta!

Travolta!

[dance music]

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

♪

Ahh...

Klein, you look like Maleficent.

Who?

You do.

From the movie "Maleficent."

Ohh!

♪

Ooh!

That's my phone.

♪

Not even looking.

Oh!

Ah!

Got it.

Up, up!

Ahh!

♪

Best night of my life! Best night of my life!

Oh! Oh!

[laughs] Yeah.

♪

[babbling]

Shoe.

[grunts]

Yeah, I'm up by the Russell house.

Ahh!

Yeah, you're gonna want to send an ambulance this time.

They look really bath-salty.

Ta-ta-gow-tow-tow.

[dog barking]

Hush, Muffins.

Hush.

[speaking gibberish]

Dr. Kravitz, a visitor in the main lobby.

[murmurs]

Well, we're sharing a room.

It's kind of like a slumber party.

This isn't funny, Gene.

We could've d*ed.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

Dare you to... burn your closet.

Or cut yourself. Cut yourself.

Or eat a tube of toothpaste.

I'd eat a little bite.

Nurse, can we get a toothpaste?

Yeah, that actually sounds good.

What flavor?

Original mint.

Original mint!