[guitar lick]
That's beautiful.
Hi, I'm Katya Gordon.
I'm Gordon Katz.
And we're the founding members of the BWOW band.
You've never heard of us, but you've definitely heard us.
We invented a whole new kind of music.
It's twangy, stripped-down, and sensual.
It's called Premium Cable Title Sequence Music.
Listen.
♪ bwow ♪
We invented this music.
Here's our first big hit.
♪ I don't know who you think you are ♪
♪ but before the night is through ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I want to do bad things with you ♪
I felt like I just got g*ng-banged by a vampire.
I want to watch the rest of the show to see what falls apart.
These TV shows need a type of music to go along with the grittiness.
Discovering a body on the bed and going like...
[scoffs]
"Another day."
♪ on this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪
♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪
♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪
We pretty much use the same instruments for every show.
[trills]
A little-- just a couple sound effect-y things to evoke images of, uh, a skull or something, but it's pretty much slide guitar and a little bit of stand up bass.
Yeah, it all happens in Pro Tools.
Cut and paste, this one goes here, and if we put the chorus from the other song over here, then we have another song for another show.
♪ whoo! ♪
♪ ♪
[howls]
♪ the crow flies straight ♪
♪ a perfect line ♪
♪ ♪
They asked us for a song that was 17 seconds long.
We said, "Absolutely."
[twangy guitar riff, gentle drums]
♪ ♪
There are some theme songs we wrote that don't even have a show yet.
[slide guitar plays]
♪ take off that dress ♪
♪ let it fall on a wooden floor ♪
♪ whiskey ♪
♪ I'm bad, bad, bad ♪
♪ I might be a cop, but I'm bad ♪
♪ take off that dress again ♪
She took her dress off twice.
♪ from the dusty May sun ♪
♪ her looming shadow grows ♪
Order now, and you'll have all your favorites in one place.
Including this one.
♪ three, four ♪
♪ ♪
♪ someone d*ed for our sins ♪
♪ and rich people get the blues ♪
♪ it's like the fight in every child ♪
♪ forming naturally ♪
[dissonant organ chords]
[door creaking open]
Meow.
You know what we should do today?
We should go to that new graveyard in Gresham.
Nah.
How about going to that pile of rocks in the middle of the road downtown?
Black candle shop?
I don't really feel like it.
The coroner's office?
We did that last week.
What's wrong?
Hmm.
I noticed at the séance, you weren't having any reaction.
You know, when that little chandelier was like...
[humming]
[glass breaks]
Everyone was freaking out, and you just sort of looked away.
I mean, summer's almost over, and I've barely been out in the sun.
You know, it's like, we're always indoors.
I know it seems weird, but...
I kind of want to go to the beach.
[ominous music]
Yeah, I want to see the waves lapping onto the shore...
[waves crashing]
And puppies running, fetching sticks...
[dog barks]
Umbrellas, taffy, boogie boards...
[children laughing]
Beach blankets, beach balls...
No!
Ski-Doos...
Mostly I just want to get some vitamin D and maybe feel the sand between my toes.
I don't understand you.
It just doesn't seem like us.
That's not, like, our thing at all.
It's not against what we are.
It's just part of who I am.
Just that sun.
[foreboding music]
[roaring]
[growling]
[snarling]
[grunting, snarling]
I would just rather be there at night, if anything.
Vince, when's the last time somebody looked at us and pointed or their jaw dropped?
Remember, we used to walk on the streets, and people's eyes would, like, pop out of their heads.
Now we walk around, and people smile at us.
Maybe at the beach at least, we can be like...
[heavy metal bass]
And then everyone would be like... [whimpers]
I mean, I haven't seen your body in three years, but I remember it being pretty buff.
Oh, yeah.
I think we could have fun.
What are you reading?
Oh, I got a "Coroner Magazine."
You know, embalming fluid is free in Honduras?
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
How's everybody doing? Hi.
All right, we're going to go ahead and get started.
The way we listen to music has changed so fast in the last few years.
We all put our music on iPods and iPhones and Androids.
And then Spotify, Pandora.
We went from digital files to digital streaming.
We all put our music where?
The Cloud.
I just bought that, and that's over-- but-- oh, I'm supposed to have this, and it's the new year and suddenly, where is my music living?
It's like being at a restaurant with a huge menu-- too many options.
Too many options.
Almost makes you want to give up listening to music, right?
Right.
We're here to introduce to you the new evolution in music.
Thank you, Irene.
Introducing the one CD that's been in your car for the last ten years.
[applause]
We are talking about the most reliable form of music on Planet Earth today.
You turn on the car, and it's already playing at the volume you want.
It's ready to go. And you can't b*at the quality.
This is top quality digital sound on a compact disc.
You remember some of the CDs you got in your car?
We're talking B-52's, "Cosmic Thing."
R.E.M., "a*t*matic for the People."
Smashing Pumpkins, "Gish."
Love that one.
Limp Bizkit.
Love that one.
Indigo Girls.
Love that one.
The one CD...
That's been in your car...
For the last...
Ten...
Years.
The Best of The Police.
"The Best of Journey."
Best of Billy Joel.
Best of Foreigner.
Best of Elton John.
Love that one.
The first Cars album, with the girl like...
The other Cars album with the girl like...
And the other Cars album with the girl like...
Or then the later Cars album when the girl's like...
Fishbone.
Right?
Fishbone.
Remember your Fishbone CDs?
And of course, The Cranberries.
[applause]
The one CD...
That's been in your car...
For the last...
Ten...
Years.
What about a demo?
Feel like hearing a little music?
I do.
[applause]
Huh.
[CD clacking]
I feel like it should go there, but that doesn't fit.
What's going on?
There's no slot for the CD.
[CD clattering]
I guess the car just has a USB jack and probably some kind of Bluetooth sh*t.
Well...
That's what it looks like.
One CD that's been in your car for the last ten years.
Not in this car, though.
You know what? Record player.
The record player.
[gasping]
[applause]
You don't need Wi-Fi access.
You don't need an iTunes password.
[BWOW song plays, audio skips]
Oh, it's skipping.
I don't know where I put it.
You know what? f*ck music.
[music skips]
It's skipping like crazy.
♪ the young man goes out looking ♪
♪ for the diamond in the sea ♪
You know all the hits, but here's a bonus CD of shows that haven't ever gone to air.
"Snakeskin Dentures."
"Treecutter."
"The Crooked Cop Who Loved to Drink."
"Dirty Mountain."
"Mexican Hat With Regular Cowboy Hat."
"Drunk Cop."
"Memphis Darkness."
"Nashville Darkness."
Uh, there's "Alabama Dirty Grit" that's coming your way.
Premium Cable Title Sequence Music.
We're offering it right now for the next 30 minutes on our own private audio streaming service.
Bwow.
Right now, here we are way out in the forest, and we can listen to our music right now just on...
[device clicks]
Darn it.
Well, you get the idea.
Order bwow.
Excuse me. Sir?
I'm a TSA PreCheck person.
How do I avoid this line?
This is PreCheck.
What?
You want to get in the regular line?
No, but I'm-- I'm gonna miss my flight.
Ah.
Well, you look nice enough.
This is what you need.
"Want to skip the line entirely?
"Sign up for TSA Red Carpet, the most special, exclusive line at the airport."
[triumphant music]
I've got to sign up for this.
Right this way.
Please.
Thank you. Thank you.
We want to tell you about TSA Red Carpet.
Thank you. Thank you for the appointment.
It's above and beyond.
Okay.
This is the TS A-list.
What you do is you flash this.
Okay.
People applaud right away.
Okay.
You can bring anything you want onto a plane.
You could bring seven bowling balls.
You could bring thumbtacks, a nail g*n.
You can bring out a nail g*n and point it at people.
You could bring a nail g*n or, like, weapons on a plane?
Did you say weapons?
Are you making a joke?
I'm so sorry.
It's okay; you're allowed to make jokes.
With TSA Red Carpet, you can stand up there with a microphone and do stand-up for an hour straight.
[lip pops and slap bass music]
And the punch line to every joke could be, "That's because there is a b*mb on this plane."
I don't see why I would do that.
You're-- you're not interested.
No, no, no, I'm interested. I'm totally interested.
Do you want a new life or not?
I do.
Okay, let's do the background check.
Okay.
[exhales deeply]
Did you get a pepperoni sandwich in Chicago?
How do you know that? Yeah, I did.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Would you ever consider having hair and makeup done before getting on a plane?
Oh, sure, I guess. Yeah.
You know what's a look people don't do enough is, like, really frizzy, like, yanked-out hair.
Would you like to be made love to as you go through security?
One thrust in, and the next thrust, you're on the other side of the gate.
That sounds, um...
Is that a no? You don't want to do that?
I don't.
Dina, have you ever considered changing your name?
I mean, do I have to change my name?
Like, is that part of a--
What about Danza?
Danza Ms. Banana.
Danza Ms. Banana.
Danza Ms. Banana.
♪ Danza Ms. Banana ♪
Danza, sure.
That's a weird one.
Is that a family name?
Is Banana Spanish?
You know it's the Spanish word for banana.
Okay, well, um, you are approved for TSA Red Carpet.
[exciting orchestral music]
Thank you.
[camera shutter clicks]
Whoo.
Thank you so much.
You've got to wait.
It's a waiting list of five years.
So we'll see you back here in five years.
How is 3:00?
[all yelling at once]
Where are you headed?
Houston.
♪ ♪
[camera shutters clicking]
[all yelling at once]
Hi.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
[reflective piano music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
The hearse is dying.
It's not dying. It's dead.
[car chimes]
How are we supposed to get to the beach, then?
Let's bow our heads.
[solemn organ music]
Hearse, the car, the conveyor of death, you will live forever in darkness...
[thunder crashes]
In the deep pit that is my heart and in the black stone that is Vincent's soul.
Say hi to all the little coffins up there in Hearse Heaven.
both: No!
Can I help you?
Um, we're looking to rent a car.
Do you have a reservation?
We don't.
We do not have a reservation.
So we have something available-- this family cruiser.
A family of what?
Uh...
Ravens?
Mourners?
No, just people.
Do you have anything in black?
Well, we used to have this one.
Isn't that nice?
Did it die?
Uh, no, it's in repairs right now.
Is it smashed up?
A little bit.
They didn't find the bodies?
Uh, there were no bodies.
Just a simple fender bender.
Do you have anything that kind of resembles a hearse?
You know what?
The closest thing would be sort of like this.
It's like a big truck.
Would a coffin sort of just--
Yes, I mean, it would be swaying from side to side.
We would have to strap it down.
Do you have coffin straps?
We don't.
You don't have any?
I'm so sorry.
All right.
I don't think we're going to be able to go to the beach.
This is just impossible.
You're going to the beach? Oh! You want a convertible?
No, we do not want a convertible.
Oh.
My hat would fly off within seconds of leaving the parking lot.
Got it.
This is, you know, $24 of my own money.
Okay.
You know what, we do have one that came in really late last night around midnight.
Midnight?
At the stroke of midnight?
[bell tolls]
Oh, let me see.
Oh, yes, it did come in at 12-0-0, the stroke of midnight.
[both roaring]
What's happening?
We're just celebrating that it was midnight.
It's a sign.
[both roaring]
Oh. [chuckles]
Well, congratulations.
You just got this car.
Okay, let me just print up your agreement.
And when is it due back?
Whenever you'd like.
I mean, how long do you need it for?
How long is your beach trip?
Several days?
One day.
Okay, so that's 99 bucks.
That's a deal.
Wait, who's paying-- who's paying for this?
You are. You have the wallet.
I have to put my card down?
It's under this whole--
[sighs]
You know, the problem with having to get the card all the time is that no one thinks that--
Do you need some extra help?
God damn it.
[keys jingling]
This is why we do stuff online, so that I don't have to--
Oh, you're actually gonna get points with this.
Great.
Nice.
If you guys have any questions or anything, you can always call me.
I'm around.
[engine turns over]
[demonic laughter, organ and Theremin music]
Have fun at the beach.
Couple of sweethearts.
[foreboding music]
♪ ♪
[foreboding music]
♪ ♪
[foreboding music] _
[dramatic music swells]
♪ ♪
[banging on window]
[ominous music]
[sighs]
[loud thumping]
♪ ♪
Oh, people are-- people are really staring.
Oh, yeah.
[both roar]
[hisses]
It's just so effective.
You know what? Let's sit over there.
That looks good.
Okay.
[can hisses open]
[both roaring]
[slurping]
Well, I'm gonna get in the water.
Try to have fun.
[cape flaps]
Ah.
Is your watch broken?
Ah, it's junk.
Hey, where are you from?
I am from Romania.
Oh, Romania. Wow.
You look hot.
Yeah, I'm really baking.
My abdomen area is, like, really, really sweating.
There's heat coming out of my neck.
Come.
Come.
[quirky music]
My name is Vince, by the way.
I am Radu.
Radu, it's great to meet you.
My friend, you need a beach outfit.
I just don't know what someone of my look wears here.
But the beach, it has its own expression, its own style.
I have been collecting all these years.
Let me share with you what I have found.
[chest opens]
Are you familiar... with Billabong?
Ah.
[upbeat pop music]
Billabong.
Kind of frat-y, but they pop.
But doesn't this kind of look too colorful, and like...
Vince, Vince.
Sometimes to have a good time, you have to dress a little lame.
Shorts from PacSun.
Hmm, maybe some Hurley.
Hmm?
Some more Hurley.
You can never have too much Hurley.
Maybe some Quiksilver.
Quiksilver.
Do I just put this on over my outfit?
You can ditch that. You're at the beach.
Oh, okay.
Hey, um, where in Romania are you from anyway?
Transylvania.
[hip-hop music]
♪ here I go again, back on the scene ♪
♪ about to have everybody looking at me ♪
[woman vocalizing]
Did you guys lose a football?
Hey, that's such a great outfit.
Where'd you get it?
I met this guy from Romania, and he had it in his trunk.
He's from Transylvania.
It's so summery. I love it.
Thanks.
Thanks for coming to the beach with me.
Thanks for getting me to go to the beach.
Play some more football?
Always.
[clapping]
Okay. Black 666! Hut-hut-hike!
♪ lost inside the perfect daydream ♪
Whoo!
♪ thinking of a time when ♪
♪ everything was so much ♪
♪ happy ending ♪
♪ this one's for all the underdogs ♪
♪ all the people say ♪
all: ♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪
[both slurping]
That was fun.
Quite.
[thunder crashes]
[both roaring]
I would go back next summer.
Me too.
♪ not about to see your light ♪
♪ but if you want to find hell with me ♪
♪ I can show you what it's like ♪
♪ ♪
♪ oh! ♪