01x16 - Gerald Fierce

[bunniefuu]

(cheering)

Man: All right, proud of you, son!

Okay, I tried to spy on one of the dads who looks like he knows what he's talking about.

He mentioned the word graphite.

Do you know what that means?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm sorry you don't have a dad who's been through this before to help you.

It's okay.

Maybe this can be another one of those things that we both agree is dumb.

Like baseball and yogurt?

Those are dumb.

Attention. Attention, everyone.

Edie, do you want to help Daddy tap his glass, make a little toast?

No.

Vanessa: Edie!

Yeah, well, kid got everyone's attention.

(whistles) Good job, kiddo.

Our news is... we closed our deal with our investor, our App is now a real company.

Oh, great. Congratulations.

Yeah!

I love that App.

You don't know what their App is, do you?

Isn't it an App called CoParentPro that helps parents in nontraditional relationships help schedule their kids' lives by syncing and tracking their meals and their school assignments?

I'm super-touched.

I did not see that coming.

Remember to remember this moment.

We just got our first check.

Let's just say there were some zeros.

Don't ask how many.

Well, this...

Five freaking zeros!

Oh!

Holy cow! Why are we eating in this dump?

Hey.

She's not counting the decimal point.

It's three zeros.

Ah.

Mmm.

All right, well, I'd like to make a toast.

A year ago, I didn't even know you existed.

In the last few months, I got to watch you grow up right in front of my eyes.

Look at this, kid's even got his own tech company.

Maybe someday you'll own a restaurant.

Hey.

Cheers.

Son, I'm very proud of you.

(cheering)

Man: Congratulations, son!

Gerald: Hey!

In 15 years, I sell an App, and my dad hugs me for it.

Suck it, scouts.

I'm from the future.

Son, I really am very proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Now do me, do me.

Um... (chuckles) I'm proud of you, too, 'cause...

Ah, no, this is your moment, I don't want to step all over it.

Okay.

Well, since you asked, SoCal Cuisine, a very prestigious restaurant magazine, has asked me to be on its cover.

May, the longest of all months.

Yeah, it's a seven-way tie, but... awesome.

Thank you. The photo sh**t and the interview are tomorrow, so I have to really put all my energy into looking good and talking good.

Start with "talking good."

Sara, this isn't a joke, all right?

The cover of SoCal Cuisine magazine could be very big for the restaurant.

So I have to be my physical best, and I have to come up with some compelling answers to these hard-hitting questions, such as...

"What is your favorite pasta?"

Look out... gotcha journalism.

I-I'm sorry.

I just got to say it one more time.

Uh, I feel awesome, you know?

Uh, I sold an App, I made my daddy proud.

Baller.

Would have been a little bit more baller if you'd said "dad" instead of "daddy," but I hear you.

You know, I was just looking at the group of hot girls over there, I was like, "Man, I wish I could talk to them."

Then I was like, "Oh, wait, I can.

I'm a freaking man."

Yeah.

It's a cool feeling.

I'm gonna play Minecraft.

Oh, wait, no, I'm not.

I'm gonna go talk to those girls.

Yeah, I like this side of you, this sexy, confident side.

You're like... you're like Beyoncé's alter ego.

You're Gerald Fierce. (purrs)

(purrs, chuckles)

Oh, you should definitely do that in the magazine interview.

(blows raspberry)

I'm going in.

Ah.

Hey, hey, hey.

You hitting the lady buffet, too?

What are you thinking?

Maybe you lead it off, get things warmed up, then I get in there and I close the deal.

Yeah, or, you know, we could just talk to completely different groups of people.

Divide and conquer. Genius.

Are you not supposed to be in the kitchen right now?

Yeah, I mean, I made 'em dinner, now I'm gonna serve 'em dessert.

♪

Ugh.

Excuse me, no goddesses allowed here.

Hey, I'm Gerald...

Okay, you, my friend, look like sex.

There is not a guy in here who's not eye-slamming you.

Really?

(giggles)

What do you want, Vanessa?

Can you help me paint Edie's nursery tomorrow?

I'd do it myself, but you're the artist in the family.

Plus you got those long supermodel arms.

The timing is just not good.

I've got back-to-back patients.

I have to return these pants.

Look, I saved the tag.

And there's a Pinot stain on the couch I've been eyeing for over a year.

Okay, no problem. (chuckles)

Did you hear that, Edie?

Grandma can't help paint your room, 'cause she's got to spend tomorrow at the mall No, no, no. lying to people about her pants. I know.

No, no, no.

Don't worry, she's okay.

I will find a way to be there.

(gasps) You are dope.

It's true, I am dope.

Tss-tss.

What?

You ever wonder what it looks like when our son gets to first base?

A lot like that.

Sara: Oh, this must be huge for you.

This is the equivalent to other dads seeing their kids graduate Harvard.

Let's capture the moment.

Oh!

Got it.

"Hashtag Martino Brothers.

"Hashtag sexy happens at Jimmy's.

Hashtag check out SoCal Cuisine."

You're not supposed to write out the whole word "hashtag."

It's the button, not the star one, the-the pound one.

The tic-tac-toe... Oh, dear God, we're old.

♪

Gerald: So she said,

"You look like a young Baldwin brother."

And I was like, "Which Baldwin?"

And she goes, "Anyone but Alec, Danny or Billy."

(laughing)

Tell 'em the good part. Tell 'em the good part.

Oh, uh, my dad said he was proud of me.

All: Aw...

No, tell 'em about the part about the girl.

Oh, we made out.

(chuckling)

I did not see that coming.

I'm not surprised.

That's not all.

I was vibing a nice little piece of tail, too.

I'm spitting game, this girl goes, get this, "You look like a hot Gandhi."

What?!

That sounds kind of r*cist.

What? No, you're not following the story.

Anyway, it's getting pretty hot and heavy between me and homegirl.

We've been texting, probably used every emoji at least once.

Yeah, I put up a Craigslist missed connection, so I'll be in touch with my girl soon, too.

Here, look, I posted a picture of Gerald and Kelly right there.

Aren't they cute?

Ooh.

Ooh.

All right, enough of this. I got a lot to do.

In less than 24 hours, I'm gonna be a magazine cover model.

I've got to get on with my beauty regime.

Annelise, is this the, uh, pore-reducing, non-GMO yogurt face mask I ordered?

Yes.

'Cause you wouldn't let me put regular yogurt on my face, would you?

No.

Right.

And you're sure this is yogurt?

Yes.

Okay.

Who's @WesDiesel23?

I don't know all my 88 fans. Why?

Because he said he was gonna b*at up Gerald.

Gerald: "You kiss my girl.

"Better get on your knees and beg for forgiveness, or I'm-a kick your ass, bitch"?

How's this guy have 92 followers?

That's not fair.

It looks like he's screaming at someone in every single picture.

Did she tell you she had a boyfriend?

Yeah, she said she had an obsessive ex and it was complicated, but then her tongue was in my mouth, and I stopped asking questions.

What are we gonna do?

"We"?

Yeah, I mean, he's mad at you for kissing his girl, but I'm flouncing around like I'm Hot Gandhi.

No doubt word has spread, and he's not peachy keen about that.

Yeah, "Hot Gandhi."

Guy will probably go away, right?

It's 2016. Nobody fights anymore.

Everyone's too obese or depressed to fight.

They work out their issues on video games.

Maybe nobody fights in your world, but people still fight.

You don't ever open a bottle of wine on a Friday and watch the latest street fights on YouTube?

Kimbo Slice versus the bandana guy at the marina?

Nobody?

Show of hands.

Do people in this modern civilized society of ours still get into fist fights?

(all clamor in agreement)

Do any of you?

Recently?

You know what? I can take this guy, all right?

I'm, I'm not still that little lonely boy on the playground anymore.

No, no, you're not.

What are you doing?

I am saving your ass peacefully before it gets handed to you on a platter.

(chuckles)

You've seriously never seen Kimbo Slice?

No.

Loser.

♪

Okay, I have two hours, and then I have to get back to my paperwork.

Oh, and that stain.

I got to start drinking white wine.

(Edie fussing)

Oh, great. Dozens of boxes.

I was hoping there'd be a hidden cardio challenge to this test.

I was gonna move them, but I ran out of time.

'Cause I got a new job making sales calls for the L.A. Philharmonic.

Huh.

It's pretty easy.

It's mostly just getting hung up on.

Abuela: Vanessa, the arrow from the computer screen disappears again.

I told you it didn't disappear.

You just got to move the mouse around.

It only come backs for you.

Ah, let me go fix Abuela's computer, so, uh, she can illegally watch a Cuban baseball game.

Uh, don't wait for me.

Okay.

(grunts)

(gasps)

Kev, Sully, how's the skirt steak?

Oh, it's good, Jimbo. Always good.

"Jimbo." Cops love me.

We're cut from the same cloth.

You know, old country, blue collar.

So, tell me again what happened?

I sold an App and my dad told me he was proud of me.

To give you some context, I grew up without a real father figure, so you can imagine what that meant to me.

He's not like us. He was born in an ivory tower.

That's not true.

I grew up in a studio apartment with a single parent.

He kissed a girl and her ex-boyfriend's making threats online now.

You know we love you, Jimbo.

"Jimbo."

There's nothing to this.

You know, nine times out of ten you never hear from the guy again.

Kev: Well, we got to roll.

Thanks for the steak, Jimbo.

All right, say hi to your mothers for me.

You know, sometimes I think they just come in here for the free food.

Guess I know what I have to do.

(huffing)

Why does no one punch with both fists at the same time?

Did I just change boxing?

No, you didn't.

Hey, I tried to reschedule your straight razor shave for the magazine photo sh**t... no dice.

Damn it! I look like a friggin' werewolf.

Is it ready?

Martino special? Good to go.

One or two?

Number three.

Mm-hmm.

Smart.

What's number three?

There's nothing a Jimmy Martino gift basket can't smooth over.

Breakups, forgotten birthdays, tax fraud.

Once he tries one of these summer sausages, all is forgiven.

It's fine. It's wrapped.

Yeah, I'm not sure this is the kind of guy who aerates his wine.

Well, then he's a bigger idiot than I thought.

You know, this is ridiculous, all right?

I'm just gonna confront this guy... I mean, Dad?

What do you say, huh? You want to turn this into a little, uh, making up for lost time thing?

Father teaches his son how to fight.

No, that's not what a father does.

Sure it is. It's exactly what a father does.

Enough, Gerald.

Come on, it'll be great!

Enough!

That's not what a father does.

♪ Sometimes I think it's a shame ♪
♪ When I get feelin' better...

Hi, Pop.

Hey, kid.

What's with your face?

Chris Sanzovere took a swing at me today.

Did you hit him back?

Then you deserve a black eye.

♪

(door closes)

(engine starts)

Dad, wait!

Dad?

Summer sausage?

No.

Oh, that was the last box.

Convenient timing.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Our Wi-Fi is the worst.

Evan next door keeps changing his password.

Uh, let's get to painting.

Vanessa, it's a white man at the door with a box.

That's the mailman.

Do not turn on the hose!

(sighs)

Wait, is something very bad in here.

(gasps)

You moved my Santa Barbara statue!

I know, Abuela, but I had to pack up so I could paint.

You're upsetting the spirits!

Oh, no, don't worry, Abuela.

There are no spirits. That's totally...

Not something you're gonna convince a Cuban woman after 60 years of practicing Santeria.

(gasps)

I...

Oh, I feel them, too, Abuela!

I told you...

Oh, I can feel the spirits! You know what?

I'm gonna get the supplies and-and we're gonna ward them off.

"Supplies"? What supplies?

Oh, it's no big deal.

It's just garlic skins, brown sugar, a little sage, water and rum... actually, that is a lot.

Come help me carry.

Okay.

Oh, see, the thing about a wine stain is, after a year it sets, you'll never get it out!

Mr. Diesel23? Mr. Diesel23?

Mr., Mr. Diesel?

Hey, I'm Ravi.

Boy, are you in for a treat.

I hope you're not kosher.

He didn't like the sausage.

Yeah, you're gonna get your ass b*at.

Yeah, I am, right?

He knows where we are right now. Yeah, literally.

Right now?

Yeah, he got our business card.

It was in the basket. It was the only thing he kept.

That and the wine aerator.

Wait...

Okay, okay, look.

I know your dad left you, G-man, twice.

Good news is, Hot Gandhi is a practitioner of the Venusian and martial arts.

It's all a balance between the highs and the lows.

Got your eyes, nads, eyes, nads, eyes, nads, pits!

Everyone forgets the pits.

Ignore him. As a woman who watches dozens of street fight videos every weekend, let me help you.

Great, yeah. What do you got?

Okay, so you don't have skills, strength or speed, but what you do have is heart.

Great.

Which is not enough.

You need those other things I mentioned.

So my advice... learn how to lose this fight as painlessly as possible.

Okay.

Do you know the tortoise shell technique?

Nope.

Watch and learn.

The tortoise is the safest animal.

Just don't forget the pits.

Even a tortoise has pits, bro.

(toilet flushes)

Great choice of tile in the upstairs bathroom.

Very mid-century.

Thank you, Victor, can we just, uh, do the questions?

Let's get the practice interview started.

Feet off the couch, hey?

(grunting)

(sighs)

What is the biggest challenge of owning a restaurant in L.A.?

Pass.

What kind of food do you eat in your downtime?

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Jimmy? Jimmy, come on, eat up.

Stop.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

You're looking at something.

Who's that kid?

It's Chris Sanzovere.

The kid who gave you the black eye?

Come on.

Hey, pal, your kid hit my kid after school, so they're gonna step outside and finish this like men.

What the hell are you talking about?

I think you heard me.

I'm eating dinner with my family...

Victor: Describe your best dining experience.

Jimmy, are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm okay.

(phone chimes)

Your place looks a lot like mine.

Who's your interior decorator?

Mine was Ayushi.

Okay, Abuela, we're warding off the evil.

There it goes.

The smoke from the pan gets rid of the spirits.

It also makes Sara's shirt smell like a Dumpster fire.

Don't be cute. Why she's not waving the sage?

Come on, wave the sage.

The spirits said I was waving it fine.

And why is nobody spitting the rum?

Oh. Quick, Sara, uh, take a swig of the rum and spit it in the corners of the room.

I could've been drinking this whole time?

Oh, she's trying to be cute again. Shake.

Uh, come on. Spit and wave, Sara.

It's not rocket science.

No! Up, up!

(spits twice) Not... (spits)

Corners, corners. East, west.

East, west. Spit wide.

That way.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm done.

(gasps)

Vanessa, I feel tricked. I'm extremely busy and you've wasted my entire day.

And, Abuela, there's no such thing as spirits.

Loca!

Crazy...

Great job.

(speaking Spanish)

Cheers.

Okay, I think you're ready to lose this fight.

Alternate idea: you could move up to Maine.

Stephen King lives up there.

(car approaching)

Seems very nice.

I think that's him pulling up.

Oh.

At least we don't have to get into a back and forth about location.

Let me just get some pictures of your face so the doctors can reconstruct it.

There you go.

b*at it!

Oh, this is gonna get ugly. You gonna take a video of this?

Definitely. I deleted a bunch of pictures of my nephew to make room for it.

Well, well, well.

Glad you decided to step outside.

Makes it easier to clean up the mess I'm about to make.

Unless you're ready to apologize.

No, I'm not going to apologize to a misogynist bully.

That's you.

Hey, you're gonna have to get past Hot Gandhi, you want to get to my boy.

Oh, you're good.

I-I can't help you, I'm sorry.

Kelly's a good kisser, isn't she?

Yeah. Best I ever had.

And I've had five.

(grunts)

Remember what I told you: stay loose and lose consciousness as fast as possible.

Yah!

What are you doing?

I'm doing pretty good... Ah!

Don't touch my girl.

Don't touch my son.

Dad, what are you doing?

Just one second.

What?

Gerald, having a father to egg you on to get in a fight is not something you missed out on.

Trust me, I know.

Guys...

I asked for a second.

Okay.

I'm not just proud of you because you developed an App or you fought a guy.

I'm proud of you because you're good.

And you're kind.

And I like to think that if I was around earlier that I would've raised you to be that kind of man.

Hey, guys! I'm on my lunch break. Seriously?

Bup-bup-bup!

Bup-bup-bup! Listen, Dad, I know that's how you would've raised me.

I just wish you'd been at my little race car derby thing.

You would've been proud. I came in fifth.

Yeah?

Eighth.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...

What? You guys are so into each other, go ahead and do it.

You ready?

Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

(grunting)

I'm going in!

Come on, Dad!

(grunting)

Ah, you jerk!

You're a jerk!

Ow!

Eh.

Nobody's gonna watch this.

Delete.

(grunting)

Ow, my car keys!

♪

Hey, I'm taking off, but I didn't want to leave things weird between us.

Is Abuela okay?

Yeah, yeah. She calmed down.

Like, we just had to light a couple candles and split open a coconut and ask it a question.

(laughs)

Oh, you're not kidding.

Listen, I'm sorry I snapped before.

Oh, no, I totally understand.

And I know how busy you are and, obviously, Abuela's a handful.

(phone buzzing)

Oh! Oh, man.

I got to make seven more sales calls before 5:00.

Just one sec.

Hey, Mrs. Reeser. The LA Phil is making a special package deal for season tickets.

Oh, you should go.

Live. Go live your life. I'm gonna finish painting.

Oh, so you're not sold yet, huh?

What if I told you that Beethoven himself is making an appearance?

Oh. Okay...

She hung up.

Vanessa... the arrow from the computer disappears again.

And my Santeria beads are tangled.

Vanessa: Okay, it's okay, I got it.

(sniffs) What is that smell?

Oh, we need to change your diaper.

(doorbell rings)

Oh! The doorbell.

Don't use the hose!

We're gonna change your diaper.

What?

My life's not that busy.

I've got a couple of annoying clients, a pair of pants I know I'm gonna keep and a wine stain... which, by now, face it, is probably permanent.

But you are incredible.

Go deal with the 8,000 things you have to do.

I will stay and paint Edie's nursery.

Oh... Really, Sara?

Yes.

Thank you. You are a lifesaver.

Oh! No pressure. I got Edie a new bed.

Could you put a bowl of water under it for the spirits?

Sure.

The bed's in a box, so you're gonna have to assemble it first.

Thanks. You really are dope.

I am dope.

Ah...

Sara: How do you still look good with a black eye?

It's not fair.

Ah, you know what they say.

A dented Porsche is still a Porsche. Right?

Right.

Yeah.

Hey, I didn't know your dad was such a beast.

Must be where I get my uppercut from.

That was a jab. Sort of.

Well, he's a complicated guy. You'll meet him.

Oh, he loves me.

Especially after a glass of wine.

Oh, yeah.

All right. Let's get into this interview.

"What is your favorite pasta?"

"Tagliatelle."

Boom.

Classy.

"What do you like to do for fun on a Saturday night?"

"If I told you, I'd have to k*ll you. (raises eyebrow)"?

Right? I-I riffed that right on the spot.

Let's just look at the cover again, shall we?

What do we think?

Looks sexy.

Not bad.

Let me show my granddaughter.

Look at this.

Is that handsome?