01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

(Device beeping)

Big day, Mom.

Harley, how'd you find me?

Mom-tracker.

Same way I found you yesterday behind the dryer.

Your inventions are k*lling me, kid.

(Dripping)

Oh, come on. Who left the jelly open?

It's in my hair.

Yep, that's my mom.

Squatting on a can of corn in the closet.

When you have seven kids and want some peace, this is what happens.

I need two more minutes to slug down my coffee.

Close the door before the other kids see and start buggin' me.

Love it, respect it, can't do it.

The whole family has to be at the park by 11:00 for something great.

Where's your travel mug?

Not sure. You got a mug tracker?

Better.

I'm the middle kid, so it's hand-me-down city.

I've gotten good at working with what I've got.

I'm not bragging.

Being creative isn't a choice.

It's survival.

Enjoy your new travel thumb.

Hazelnut and dish soap. Weirdly, it works.

Good, 'cause we gots to get this party started.

Doughnuts! (Voice echoing)

Doughnuts!

(All yelling)

It's either an earthquake or my family.

(Yelling continues)

That's my family.

Doughnuts, woman. Where?

(All talking at once)

Calm down, people.

Everyone's gonna get doughnuts... when we get to the park at 11:00.

Oh!

What?!

You are lucky we're family, or I'd hurt you.

Hurt me at the park.

The park at 11:00?

Let's see what the big board says.

Cooking class, Beast and Lewie.

Basketball game, Georgie.

Rachel, volunteer at the soup kitchen.

Harley, honey, your magnet's not even on here.

It was there yesterday.

Seriously?

I was under the fridge and no one even noticed.

Hate to say it, but unless you found a dozen doughnuts, you're not gonna get a lot of sympathy from this crowd.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but we just can't squeeze in the park today.

This is what happens when there's seven kids, and you're stuck in the middle.

If my family was a week, I'd be Wednesday.

Not the beginning of the week where everyone's full of energy and hope.

That'd be Rachel... Ethan... and Georgie.

Yes, officer, she yelled, "Doughnuts," but there are no doughnuts.

Can you at least pretend to arrest her?

Hello.

I'm not the end of the week, where they're relieved and happy.

That's Lewie, Beast, and Daphne.

I'm the day people muddle through as best they can.

Hump day.

I'm Hump Day Harley.

No name changes. I can barely remember the ones we gave you.

(Glass shattering)

Kids: Wasn't me!

Welcome to the Diaz family.

Hide your breakables.

(Crashing noise)

Actually, just hide.

♪ ♪
♪ I wanna be stuck with you ♪

Ah, Harls, I'm really sorry we can't make it to the park today.

It's hard to take you seriously when you're sucking on a thumb.

Sorry.

So what was going on? Was it important?

Well... "The Young Inventors Club is pleased to invite you to McKay Park to award you first place in..."

(Gasps) No way!

No way, no way, no...

No way!

Okay, yeah, it's huge.

Then we are gonna make this work.

Sorry, Lewie and Beast, no cooking class today.

What's the point?

Yesterday I saw them steal pizza crust from a pigeon.

All right, we can make it.

If we hit every green light, we can get from basketball to the soup kitchen to the park with three minutes to spare. Now comes the hard part.

Both: Getting nine people out of the house.

I'll go round everybody up.

Permission to knock some heads?

Denied.

I wish I could find someone to do the ninja challenge.

Sadly, you're not old enough.

Hello. We're twins.

Hello. I was born 90 seconds before you.

So you'll always be 90 seconds behind, which means you're not ready for the ninja challenge.

Ninja challenge? I'll k*ll it.

I'll bite its head off, step on it, and eat it. I just ate it.

What's the ninja challenge?

You have to go around the whole day without letting your feet touch the ground.

It's impossible.

Says you.

It's on.

Ninja!!

Your foot's in a tub of margarine.

Not a strong start, ninja.

Guys, wait until breakfast to put your feet in the food.

Let's push the tables together so we can eat.

Cereal assembly line!

Harley: This is how my family eats.

Divide, conquer, score.

And this is where my family eats.

A real table, a card table, and something I'm pretty sure used to be a nightstand.

Mom bought the real table when they had two kids.

But then they had five more, and no time for furniture shopping, so welcome to the bacon-free zone.

Beast put that up his nose.

Thanks for mentioning it after I had my teeth on it.

Hey, guys, gotta go.

(Silence)

Get up now and I'll do your chores for a week.

(Clamoring)

Rachel. Three-minute limit.

You've been in there for 20.

In a big family, you need rules.

We all get three minutes.

You have to do number one and number two in less than three.

That's bad math.

I'm literally the only one in this family who consistently looks hot, so maybe don't hassle the one who's bringing it on the regular.

You're going to feed the homeless.

The only hot thing they want is lunch.

I'm not scared of you, or Dad's old flip phone that you blinged out.

It doesn't even work.

The clock does, and so does the camera.

Two seconds before I'm all up in there updating your profile photo.

This is a violation.

Kendall and Kylie would never do this to Kim.

Really? The list of what the Kardashians won't do is pretty short.

(Frustrated grunt)

I'm behind schedule.

I'm gonna need an assist from my BFTF.

Best friend in the family, which is even better than a BFF, because he's stuck with me no matter what, until the end of time.

That came out evil, but it's actually really cool.

Ethan, I need you to...

What's with the walking lint ball?

It's Jermaine.

My friend's on vacation, so I'm watching his hamster.

I'm training Jermaine to be my wingman.

Girls come for the pet, and stay for the song.

♪ I need your love to keep me sane ♪
♪ Cruise into town with my wingman Jermaine ♪

Yeah, no pet's making anyone stay for that song.

And are you concerned your wingman just ate his own poop?

It's a concern, yes.

I need you to help me get everyone out the door Look, I get it. I'm the middle kid.

I didn't mind that I had to toilet train myself in a potted fern.

The only watering that plant ever got.

But I invented something really cool.

Maybe the coolest thing I've ever done.

And I'm getting an award for it at the park at 11:00.

Congrats, sis. What is it?

Can't say.

It's a surprise for the whole family, and I want everybody to see it together.

Ethan.

I've never asked before, and I know it will never happen again.

But it's super important that today is the one day where the whole family shows up for me.

Look, you know you're my BFTF, and I'd do anything for you.

But this family in one place, on time?

Oof.

(Beeping)

Two-minute warning.

It's about to go down.

B-ball, soup kitchen, park by 11:00.

Hold onto your furball.

Gonna be a people stampede.

Everybody ready to go?

All: No!!

Doughnuts!

All: Yeah, right!

If it makes you feel any better, I think Jermaine bought it.

Hey, guys, got your shoes locked and loaded.

We're gonna totally get to the park on time. Yeah!

Wow, that sounded way more confident than I feel.

Good hustle, Georgie.

We got one minute to be out the door to your game, so step in, let's go.

Yeah, gonna win this thing today.

Success isn't given, it's earned.

Earn it, Georgie, earn it.

Whoever you're talking to, we don't have time.

Self-talk is a key strategy for enhanced physical performance.

Say it with me, Harley. Self-talk is a key...

I am not...

Say it!

Both: Self-talk is a key strategy...

Like you mean it.

Both: ...for enhanced physical performance.

You know, Georgie, you do this before every game, and I'm not sure it's working.

Georgie: Does that count?

Your team never wins.

Negativity is loser fuel, my friend.

I need to sweat out the negativity you just brought into my zone.

Jump with me, Harley.

I am not...

Jump!

All right, jump it on out to the car.

Comin' through.

Ninja!

No.

The soup kitchen will not be serving butt cheeks today.

When you have a sister like Rachel, you can count on at least one outfit your parents will veto every time you try to leave the house, which is why I came prepared.

Leggings.

Ugh!

I literally just glitter-lotioned my legs for my boo.

Cuff loves sparkles.

Cuff's gonna be there? No, I don't trust that kid.

And not just because he said "Trust me," and winked.

Sorry, Dad, no time for the Papa Bear routine today.

But I love that you think Cuff's the problem.

(Clamoring)

Harley: Middle kid means middle seat, which is awesome if you like to ride with fingers, elbows and pets in your mouth.

What is the point of beeping inside the van if it's a safety warning for people outside?

It doesn't make sense. Is it just me?

(Gasps) Hang on.

I just remembered.

I'm supposed to bring the team snack.

I got it.

I saw this coming, Mom. No offense.

Please. I'm touched you know me so well.

Bethany. I didn't see you there.

With all the ruckus, I thought your family was chasing away a pack of wild bears.

I wish I had a big family.

Or a brother.

Or a sister. Or even a fish.

You have fish every night for dinner. Broiled.

Here. I found this in our yard.

It's one of the few not already stuck in your rain gutter.

Been meaning to clean that out, five kids ago.

I know you don't have time to read parenting books... or parent... but a recent study showed children raised in chaos end up in jail.

Not a problem. All our kids look great in orange.

Good chat. Hit the gas.

If we leave now, we'll still be at the park by 11:00, right after Georgie loses in a quick blowout.

So much for the blowout strategy.

It's almost time. We don't have time for overtime.

It's B-ball, soup kitchen, park by 11:00.

They've been a different team since snack break.

Uh...

Harls, what were those granola bars you gave them?

Just these.

You Go Girl bars?!

I got those the week you all had strep, and I was exhausted.

One bar, and I was up all night making that activity board, which, frankly, does not work.

I threw those bars away.

Hate to tell you, but it's not the first time one of your kids ate out of the trash.

Well, if the other parents ask, I'm gonna have to be honest.

Hide 'em, hide 'em, hide 'em.

What are you doing?

He's trying to get snacks from the concession stand without touching the ground.

I'm trying to swing him into a wall and knock him off.

Wall, wall.

Dang, he missed.

Want anything?

I'll take a giant pretzel.

Hold this.

Wall, wall.

Come on, that should've put his ninja butt in the ER.

No, Rachel. This is not the plan.

You need to go back to the homeless shelter where you belong.

It's her sister.

She's not homeless.

She's clueless, but not homeless.

The homeless were super nice, and they literally loved my outfit.

But we served chili, which made my hair smell like chili.

I almost threw up in a bag of gently used clothing donations.

Cuff took me home. We're getting a snack.

Hot, hot!

Oh, man!

Couch ate my pizza.

We gotta re-snack.

No, sir. No snacks.

That is a slippery slope, and I know the snack slope.

Rachel, I want him out.

We'll circle back for you on the way to the park.

Home is out of our way.

I can't believe Rachel's so selfish.

New to this family, are ya?

Come on, Georgie.

Let's go, Terriers!

My day's falling apart quicker than that edible jungle gym I invented.

You're not kidding.

This game's tied and the clock's running out.

If it goes to overtime, you'll never get to the park.

You're right.

I give up.

It's the most important day of my life, and no one even cares.

I just have to accept that I don't matter in this family, Ethan.

I'm Wednesday.

Of course you're Wednesday.

Middle of the week. Everyone knows that.

Was that supposed to be a pep talk?

Yes.

Mom needs snacks, you're on it.

Rachel needs tights.

You're on it.

A broken doll headed for the trash.

You make it into something cool.

Anyone can make a rag doll into a spray cheese squirt g*n.

No, they can't.

Cheddar Shirley was genius.

Snacks, tights, toys.

You're the glue of this family, just like Wednesday's the glue of the week.

Wednesday holds the week together.

Thanks, bro.

We are getting to the park on time.

Georgie's team just needs to make a basket to break the tie and we're out of here.

Oh, not Georgie. She's not breaking any tie.

She never even scored.

Jermaine, you're not the only one about to eat poop.

The only chance to win the game is for Georgie to have a clear sh*t.

Clear sh*t? How's that gonna happen?

Georgie needs a wingman.

Spit out that poop, Jermaine. You're goin' in.

♪ We got to shake the roof off ♪
♪ We got to scream it loud ♪
♪ We'll make it roll, make it rock ♪

Rat!!

(All shrieking)

Both: sh**t it!

sh**t it, Georgie!

♪ So if you want it ♪
♪ And if you won't back down ♪
♪ Yeah, you gotta shout ♪
♪ Scream it loud ♪
♪ Tell 'em what it's all about ♪

Ninja!

Keep it classy, Georgie.

Somebody catch me. I'm divin'!

(All groaning)

My bad. Should've given more warning.

(Car beeping)

Get in. We have eight minutes to get to the park.

I've got Cheddar Shirley, and I'm not afraid to use her.

Say cheese, Shirley.

Oh, forget it. I already ate the cookie stash under there.

I'm de-beeping the beeper.

Of all the things shouting at me in the van, this is the one that I can stop.

(No beeping)

Silence. Yes!

Beep you, beeper.

Gah!

Bethany, seriously, do you teleport here?

Exciting game, huh?

Oh, yes, I really enjoy seeing my daughter's head used as a backboard.

That reverse beeper is an important safety feature.

I'm not disabling the feature that warns people outside.

I know that I'm in reverse.

How? Because I just put it there.

I don't know how you can hear anything over that population expl*si*n happening in your car.

You probably don't recognize it, but this is the sound of fun.

We'd love to stay and defend our life choices, but we all have somewhere to be, somewhat on time.

Heads up!

(Smirking)

Well, well, well.

Who saw that coming? Me actually.

I made it the "A" topic at our neighborhood meeting.

Topics "B" through "Z" were also about your family.

(Groaning sound)

Both: No!!

(Growling)

Welcome to the moment where my hope for getting to the park officially d*ed.

Hey, guys, gotta go.

All I wanted was one day to show I mattered, but I had it twisted. Doughnuts!

I'm the one that keeps this family from being a bunch of snackless... I got it.

Naked... Leggings.

Dolls with no heads.

You're the glue of this family, just like Wednesday's the glue of the week.

Turns out I didn't need one day.

I matter every day.

Bethany: No. Back!

You've done enough.

No, no, no. Stop it.

Stop it. We will not sit here and laugh at Miss Peters.

We will laugh at the park.

Because we promised Harley.

It's okay, Dad. You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

Because there's only one time that I am not happy to have seven kids, and that is when I let one of them down.

So look out, park. Here we come.

I'd like to thank the Young Inventors Club for giving me first place in the design challenge.

(Feedback whines)

It's so cool you guys built this for my idea.

I would also like to thank my family.

Without you, I wouldn't have the inspiration to create the solution for big families.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry we missed the awards, sweetie, but Dad and I couldn't be prouder.

What an amazing idea you thought of.

Yeah, it's all right.

Wait.

She jerked us around all day for a table?

A table?!

This isn't just a table.

I designed it for big families like ours.

I love you guys, but I also love bacon.

With this table, everyone gets some.

Dad: Wow, look at it spin around!

Tired of fighting over condiments?

Built-in syrup and ketchup dispensers.

(All exclaiming)

Want milk in your glass and not your pants?

Retractable cup holders.

Oh, that's awesome!

Plus, chairs for everyone.

Dad: Whoa, great idea, huh?

Okay, folks, bring it in.

Let's see what this family looks like sitting at one table.

Hey, look.

Apparently it wouldn't be the first time our kids ate something out of the trash.

Doughnuts!

We may be eating garbage doughnuts, but I love our big family.

Yeah, sometimes they're not so bad.

Beast!

I'm good.

Landed on my back, not my feet.

Ninja!

♪ ♪