07x05 - The Show You Watch

[bunniefuu]

(up-tempo music plays)

Ladies and gentlemen, Rex Hilliard!

(applause)

Oh!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, wow. You're hurting my ears.

(chuckles)

I can't tell you how spooked I get by loud noises.

(horn honking)

Why, just the other day --

Oh, hey, you!

It's Flake the clown, everyone.

Ha ha ha.

(applause)

(horn honking)

Okay, okay.

Put a sock in it, will you?

(whistle!)

(groaning)

(clears throat) Phoo!

I meant "can it."

(whistle!)

(laughter)

Now, that's not what I meant either!

Say, is this Chandler's tomato soup?

Why, I just love Chandler's tomato soup.

Whether served piping hot or rolled into a ladylike cigarillo, Chandler's tomato soup goes with every meal.

(horn honking)

Why, you --

Hey, fetch, boy!

(whistle!)

(panting)

Flake the clown, everyone!

(applause)

Well, we've got a heck of a show for you this evening.

A lot of laughs, some music, dance, and, of course, another installment of our groundbreaking medical drama "The Childrens Hospital."

(applause)

So sink back into your chairs...

Wait a minute.

Speaking of sinking...

(up-tempo music plays, foghorn blows)

(bell clanging)

Everyone off the ship.

The Titanic is sinking.

Oh, and they said it was unsinkable.

Just like a man, to lie to a woman.

Maybe the ship's trying to get away from your cooking, Edith.

Women and children first.

He said "women," Edith, not rusty old anchors.

Hm. Well, he also said "children."

So perhaps you should come, John.

Everybody in.

Come on now, John.

I'll be just fine right here.

You would choose a sinking ship over your wife?

If you had a wife like mine, you'd be thanking the iceberg.

Oh, leave him, captain.

I have a list of complaints I'd like to go over with you.

First, the porthole sills in our room were too round.

All I saw outside was water.

The sun set on the wrong side of the boat. they used the --

Say, where are you off to?

Mind if I join you?

Be my guest.

Of all the...

Let's go, everyone. We have some sinking to do.

Maybe the band's still playing.

Hm!

(applause)

Ho ho ho ho. Very funny.

Very funny.

But a large number of people did, in fact, die on that boat.

What's that?

"Dear Rex, stop talking so much and get to the dance number."

(laughing) Why, yes.

Seems I found myself in a little pickle...

Just like this fellow on the Lower East Side.

♪

(up-tempo piano music plays)

(wolf-whistles)

Pickles! Get your fresh pickles here!

Sour as a clam, Sweet as ice!

Bite 'em, suck 'em, roll 'em into a cigarillo.

No? hmm.

♪ Pickles, pickles ♪
♪ The fruit of the sea ♪
♪ So why won't anyone buy 'em from me? ♪
♪ They're fresh, and they're hot ♪
♪ They're smooth as a pearl ♪
♪ If only I could sell 'em to a girl ♪

Hey! a girl! A real girl.

I wonder if she's a pickle-lover.

Pickle, ma'am?

Someday, I'll find her -- a real pickle-lover.

♪ When I find my pickle gal ♪
♪ I'll set her on my knee ♪
♪ I'll slip a pickle on her finger ♪
♪ And say ♪
♪ "Please marry me" ♪

Half-eaten pickle half off!

Oh.

(British accent) ♪ I'm just a lonely pickle-lover ♪
♪ Looking for my guy ♪
♪ I don't think it's just pickle fumes ♪
♪ That's making me cry ♪
♪ I want a man with gherkins ♪
♪ whose strength I can't rebuke ♪
♪ With eyes as green as pickles ♪
♪ And whose burps smell like a cuke ♪

(gasps) Are you?

Yes! And you?

Yes!

(both) We're both... pickle-lovers!

♪ We found a pickle family ♪
♪ Our wedding will be fine ♪
♪ I'll be forever yours ♪
♪ If you'll be forever "brine" ♪

(music ends, applause)

Ooh! Now, that's a sour pickle.

(laughter)

(chuckles)

But not quite as sour as my wife's face when she found an empty milk bottle in the icebox.

(laughter)

I was so blammo'ed, I don't remember finishing it.

I threw up into our daughter's dollhouse.

Blah! (chuckles)

I'm what you call a real alcoholic.

(laughter)

(clears throat)

It's time to put aside the laughter for a moment, if we could.

Three weeks ago, we introduced a segment on this show.

We couldn't have imagined the response that we got.

You see, our stock-in-trade is comedy, so to be able to perform something so intensely dramatic for you, well, it means the world to us.

Ladies... Get those handkerchiefs ready for another installment of... "The Childrens Hospital."

(mid-tempo music plays)

Well, another successful surgery.

Hey, how many lives did we save today, Doc?

10? 11?

12?

13? 14?

15? 16?

Hey, penny for your thoughts, Doc.

Sorry, Glenn.

I don't know where my mind was just now.

(chuckles) My guess -- wherever nurse Spratt is.

Say, Glenn, how do you know when you're in love?

Well, for me, it feels like I'm swimming on the moon.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Moon-swimming. That's exactly how I feel.

Hey, Glenn, you know what I just decided?

I'm gonna make an honest woman out of her.

How about that?

(applause)

You son of a so-and-so.

(both laugh)

I tell you, Glenn, I'm so happy right now, I could just burst.

My guts would spill out all over the place, and they'd be heart-shaped -- even my heart, which, technically, isn't even shaped like a heart at all.

No. If anything, it's fist-shaped.

(chuckles) Love is ironic that way.

You know, you're a real friend, Glenn Rosensweig.

Say, you ever think of changing your last name So it doesn't sound so Jew-y?

Doctors, we've got an emergency!

She started complaining about a stomachache.

She's in good hands now, Mom.

Best hands in all of Brazil.

That's where we are.

Sally, can you tell me where it hurts?

My appendix.

Oh.

If I were a doctor, I'd say she's suffering from acute appendicitis.

It's a shame women can't be doctors, because you sound like you'd make a good one.

Okay, we need to operate immediately.

Or even sooner. Nurse, scalpels.

A little more gauze, please.

All right.

More gauze.

Uh-huh.

More gauze for me now.
I'll take a little more gauze.

All right.

And that's it. I've landed it.

Ha ha!

Hot dog.

You did it, Owen.

I've always believed in you.

And I've always loved you, nurse Lola Spratt.

Oh! I love you, Dr. Owen Maestro.

Get me a snorkel and fins, because I'm moon-swimming.

I mean, I feel like some sort of moon fish.

Oh!

Say, Lola...

Hmm?

...I've got something for you.

(gasps)

(monitor beeping rapidly)

What's that noise?

Her blood pressure's dropping!

Quick, Owen, try that new suturing technique you were telling me about when we were fly-fishing at your brother's Swiss chalet in Alsace.

I don't have a brother in the Swiss village of Alsace.

(gasps) But Glenn does.

(audience gasps)

Oh.

Owen, I -- We -- we...

Look, pal, you have to believe us.

It was just one weekend.

Albeit, it was the Fourth of July weekend, so it was three days.

And the Fourth of July did fall on a Tuesday.

It did fall on a Tuesday, so make it four days.

And then we were there. We said, "Let's stay for Wednesday."

And then it just didn't make any sense to fly home for two days.

So we stayed the extra weekend.

But you have to believe us --

It was just one nine-day weekend.

Would somebody save our daughter?!

Right.

Scalpel.

Put this over here and this over here.

And don't move that. Why would I?

And there we go. And I landed it.

Oh!

She'll be fine.

Am I in Heaven?

(chuckles) We're doctors, Sally.

We don't believe in Heaven.

We believe in science.

So you're in science Heaven.

(chuckles)

You're a real hero, Dr. Rosensweig.

(gasps) Oh!

A real hero.

Then why do I feel like a horse's heel?

Owen...

Please say something.

A moment ago, I was gonna give you this, Lola --

A shiny diamond engagement ring...

A ring that could cut glass.

And do you know what "glass" rhymes with?

No, Owen. Please. You know I hate rhymes.

Alsace!

No.

And this -- "snake in the grass"!

Oh!

Fists, Glenn.

Fists also are fist-shaped... like my heart used to be.

But not anymore.

Now it's like two half-a-fists, because it's broken.

(sobs)

Oh!

(crying)

I have no right to call myself a doctor.

I violated the most important oath --

First...

Do no harm.

(sobbing)

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, The Show You Watch players!

(cheers and applause)

Ha ha ha.

Music, dance, singing, and rib-splitting, gut-busting laughs.

Oh!

(laughter)

Oh, Flake, I didn't mean real ribs and guts.

(applause)

Well, that's our show, folks.

We hope you had as much fun as we did.

Tune in next week for another episode of "The Childrens Hospital," with baseball legend Ugly Joe Boyd.

(laughs)

♪

Hey, well done, sir. Well done. Ha ha ha.

Thank you for watching The Show You Watch, with Rex Hilliard and The Show You Watch players.

Tune in next week for more Show You Watch fun and another special episode of "The Childrens Hospital."

Special thanks to Chandler's tomato soup for tonight's sponsorship.

If you'd like to hear Bob Ruggers and his all-Cuban band on your own phonograph player, send $1.00 to this address for the record.

♪