01x12 - Josh and I Work on a Case!

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Just wanted to be a little less lonely, make some friends.

Well, you made one.

(smooches)

Later, bro.

Someone broke into your apartment?

Throw the rock through the window!

(Scott screams)

Why don't we go back to your place, and I'll make sure it's all okay.

This is your rock?

There's got to be another explanation...

Wait, wait, wait, please-please don't explain.

Uh, I got to go.

Moments ago he held me in his arms, and then just now he could barely look me in the eye.

All of my dreams may have just been shattered.

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ And so I decided to move ♪
♪ To West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

Rebecca: He hasn't called. He hasn't texted.

He hasn't Snapchatted. He hasn't Vibered.

He hasn't Facebook messaged me.

He hasn't liked any of my Instagram posts, including... the other day, I posted a picture of a baby... penguin... surfing.

Look, I know it's been tough...

No, no, no, Paula.

With all due respect, you did not see his face when he left my apartment that day.

I was dead to him, like, he didn't want to spend any more time with me, and, oh, we were getting so close.

You know? And you will again.

I promise you, I'm gonna fix this.

By the end of day tomorrow, Josh will have asked you out to dinner.

What?

What, tomorrow?

Dinner?

What are you... that's impossible.

Impossible?

Rebecca, we put a man on the moon.

“We”? Did you have something to do with that?

No, not at all, but I have been watching Apollo 13 a lot.

I got the Blu-ray at a garage sale, and oh, my...

(sighs) Ed Harris.

Ed Ha... do you-do you remember, with the glasses?

I mean, come on, he... he brought those Americans home, just like I'm gonna bring that buff Filipino bro home to... you.

Like Ed says, “Failure is not an option.”

I have no idea what you're talking about right now, but you seem really confident, and you're talking about space, so...

I'm gonna go with your plan.

What's the first step?

Smog check.

(pneumatic tools whirring)

Paula: Go to the auto body shop on East Cameron at exactly 2:00 p.m. tomorrow. Do precisely what I tell you to do, and most of all... stay relaxed.

I am relaxed.

I have soupy bones.

Hey.

Oh.

Hey, dude, good to see you.

Rebecca, uh, what are you...

Uh, just getting an old smog check.

Don't you have a brand-new car?

You're always talking about it, listing all the features of your Hyundai as if you were in a commercial or something.

(laughs) Uh, what happened to your car?

Uh, it got dinged.

Paula: Step two, apologize quickly.

Rebecca: Hey, Josh...

I'm super sorry for, like, misunderstanding a couple weeks ago.

Paula: And step three... move on to the someone you're seeing.

Yeah, the whole thing's so embarrassing.

I was telling Trent about it recently...

Who's Trent?

Oh.

I'm sorry, you don't know Trent. Trent's the new guy I'm seeing.

Oh, you're, uh, seeing someone?

Yeah, yeah, I knew him back in college.

He went to Harvard?

Yes, indeed, Ye olde Harvard.

Paula: Fake boyfriend from Harvard.

All we need is some random guy who went to Harvard at the same time you did, and lives in Los Angeles.

Ooh, what about this guy? Trent.

Oh, that's a perfect name for a fake boyfriend.

Huh. That's awesome you met someone.

Yeah, we're really happy.

Miss Bunch, you are all set.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, here you go.

There you are.

Paula: And then you close with a coupon.

Uh, ma'am, we don't take coupons.

Oh, I'm sorry, I have that in my wallet.

I've been meaning to use it.

It's a coupon for free drinks at Jalapeno Jack's.

Hold up, free drinks?

And appetizers.

That's a pricey place.

How can they afford that?

I don't know.

I don't make the coupons.

Oh, man, it expires tonight.

Oh, I kept meaning to use it.

I wanted to take Trent, but he's working late tonight.

Here, you want to take it?

Uh, take Valencia.

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

That'd be great.

(gasps) Thursday night.

She has back-to-back classes.

Oh, no, she's also working tonight.

Okay, well, this'll go unused, no harm, no foul.

Good-bye, coupon.

Wait, hold up.

If your date is busy and my date is busy, and the coupon expires tonight...

... should we just go together?

Oh. Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Um, yeah, that sounds good. Yeah.

Rebecca: Houston, this is Apollo.

Jalapeno Jack's is a go.

Repeat, Jalapeno Jack's is a go.

(sighs)

And that's how you land a plane.

Rebecca: We did it, we did it!

(cheering)

(squealing)

We did it.

Oh, we did, and it was pretty easy.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Yay, we did it.

You have a dinner plan.

Now you and Josh can get back on track.

Get back to where you were a couple weeks ago, when you were practically about to bone.

Oh, it's gonna be so romantic, just the two of you, in a cozy corner booth snuggling over a pitcher of margaritas.

(popping)

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Nice.

This looks like fun.

What are we fêting?

And speaking of fêting, and, uh, feeling good and other words that start with the letter “F”" um, like fitness...

Rebecca, how well do you know White Josh?

Uh, I barely know him.

I was just wondering, um, do you think he would be open to new...

... clients?

At the gym, I mean?

'Cause, uh, I need a trainer.

Darryl, I literally know nothing about White Josh.

Why don't you just ask him yourself?

Okay, okay, I just thought I'd ask around before I got in bed with a new person.

(Darryl chuckles)

Gym, that is.

(laughs)

A gym bed, is what I meant.

You know, there are no beds in gyms.

Yeah, I think there should be.

Okay, well, I got to take off.

(Banda music plays)

(bell jingles, door closes)

Uh, hi, two.

Oh, sorry.

Woman: We'll have it ready in about 15 minutes.

Rebecca: Water conspiracy?

Water Truthers?

You're nuts, Bert.

Thank you. (hangs up phone)

Hello, so I have a couple questions about the menu, um... Mm-hmm.

The El Potato Soupo, is that, like, a mashed potato dish?

It's soup.

Cheesy soup, has a lot of, like, cheese in it.

Okay, good to know, that's maybe a little heavy.

Now, what about the Quesadilla Saladita.

What happens there?

Um, it's a salad with, like, stuff on it.

Okay. Okay, good to know. That's on the list.

Uh, now, eventually at the end of the meal, we're gonna want the passion fruit soufflé, but I have a query.

Could I get mango instead of passion fruit? Because my friend who's joining me, he really loves mango.

Um...

Also, hold that answer for one second, I think we're probably gonna want to start out with the Margarita Mas Grande, with salt on the rim, but only half of the rim, because too much salt makes my friend bloat.

I'm gonna give you a few more minutes.

Okay, great.

(banda music plays)

(chuckling)

I can't believe this is free.

Yeah, I know, right?

Oh.

So, as you were saying about your apartment...

Oh, yeah, I haven't had hot water in, like, weeks.

I'm showering with freezing cold water.

No hot water, that's terrible.

You should complain.

Yeah, I don't like to complain about stuff.

Valencia is better at complaining...

... and since she's not on the lease, she can't give the landlord a hard time.

Wait, Valencia's not on the lease?

She has bad credit.

She took a loan out to sell diet supplements, and it turned out they were rat droppings.

(laughs)

Yeah, gross.

(laughs)

Man, it's really good to catch up.

I've, um, I've been kind of lonely lately.

Oh, but you're seeing someone...

Right. Right, right, right, right, right, Trent.

Trent. Yes.

I've been lonely, save for Trent.

No, Trent's amazing.

Trent and Rebecca, we have the greatest couple name, actually.

Trebecca. Oh. Yeah.

I want to get it monogrammed on a towel.

Yeah, that sounds romantic.

Uh, yeah, it's-it's pretty romantic.

Oh, no, Hector's here.

Huh?

Yo.

I mean, aw, nah, it's Hector.

What's up?

What's up, dude?

It's so weird that you guys are here.

(door opens, bell jingles)

(grunts in confusion)

Yeah. Huh.

What? Oh, my God, more people here.

Oh, oh, oh.

White Josh, and some other guys I don't know.

Hello.

Such a coinky, yo. Can we join you guys?

Uh, you know, I just think this table won't fit...

Of course! Come on, man.

(men laughing)

Oh, look at that. The tables move.

You guys just knew that.

Oh, um, um, the coupon doesn't limit the amount of people, right?

Nope, whoever made it did not think that through.

Cool.

Oh, sorry, I'm so rude.

Um, Becks, you haven't met Ken and Beans yet, have you?

Nope.

Um, Ken, Becks, Beans, Becks.

Becks, Ken, Becks, Beans.

Hi. Okay.

Oh, wait, Rebecca, you went to Beans' party, right?

You know what, yeah, I did, first week I was in town.

Oh, I don't go by Bernard.

I prefer Beans. It sounds r*cist, but I didn't get the name 'cause I'm Mexican, it's 'cause I organize meet-and-trades for Beanie Babies.

Hector: Whoa, I'm so excited about this coupon.

Let's get the margaritas that come in a sombrero.

(men whooping)

I'm gonna drink until I die.

Men (laughing): Yeah!

Time to get drunk!

(whispering): Um, hey, hey, Josh...

(overlapping chatter)

(whispering): So, I just-I just thought this was gonna be you and me, hanging out.

(shouting): What?

(shouting): I just thought this was gonna be you and me hanging out...

(men continue chattering loudly)

I-it's fine.

It's fine.

Continue. This is fun.

This is fun. It's fine.

Dude, can you believe this?

♪ ♪
♪ The night was going perfectly, mi amor ♪
♪ We were having a romantic Mexican meal ♪
♪ Or Cali-Mex ♪
♪ Cali-Mex-Italian ♪
♪ I don't really know what this food is ♪
♪ But our time together was cut short by the enemy of romance ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ It was a group hang ♪
♪ Group hang you're so far away ♪
♪ In a group hang ♪
♪ A group hang, group hang ♪
♪ Do we really need all these nachos? ♪
♪ It was an intimate date, just you and me ♪
♪ At a magical place where refills are free ♪
♪ Then your buddies showed up ♪
♪ And tore us apart, they're forces of evil ♪
♪ A Kn*fe through my heart ♪
♪ Salsa, burritos, taquitos ♪
♪ Guacamole pizza ♪
♪ A group hang, group hang ♪
♪ You're just out of reach in a group hang ♪
♪ A group hang ♪
♪ Group hang ♪
♪ I'm so afraid of horses ♪
♪ Now you're telling a story about some dude named Jeffwad ♪
♪ And the time he “sprooshed” ♪
♪ Whatever that means ♪
♪ Feeling left out, so I jump in and say ♪

I had a friend named Jeff once.

He took bad mushrooms and jumped off the roof of our dorm.

♪ It was a group hang, group hang ♪
♪ It just got weird in this group hang ♪
♪ Group hang, group hang ♪
♪ It makes me so sexy sad ♪

Oh, the guac is so spicy.

Hey, want to grab a drink at the bar?

Oh, uh, okay.

Great.

♪ Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, español ♪

♪ Arriba, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, español ♪
♪ Arriba Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish ♪
♪ Español, arriba, Guadalajara, Sicily ♪

That's not in Mexico.

♪ Corned beef enchilada, pickle taco ♪
♪ Salsa Verde cheesecake, bacon tamale ♪
♪ Root beer margarita, taco stew ♪

Does the chef know what Mexico is?

♪ A group hang, group hang ♪
♪ What's this smoky tortilla soup thang ♪

I mean, really, am I-am I crazy?

There are... I know there are people of Hispanic descent working at this restaurant.

♪ A group hang, group hang ♪

How are they not offended with the bastardization of their culture?

Is it just me? Maybe it's just me.

♪ You're so far away in a group hang ♪

If... I just... I feel-I feel like I'm being gaslighted by this restaurant.

♪ A group hang, group hang... ♪

There you go.

♪ ♪

I forgot my wallet.

Beans: I only had the nachos.

Ken: I only had, like, one stuffed mushroom.

White Josh: Uh, Hector's paying for me actually, 'cause he uses my Netflix account.

I'll... Guys, guys, I got it, I got it.

Don't worry.

Oh, come on.

What, no...

Give me that...

You ain't got to do all of that.

No, Ken, Ken, it's really fine.

I-I-I got it.

Ken: good thing the drinks are free.

Hmm, you really saved a ton with that coupon, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, man, that was good. Yup.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. (inhales)

Congratulations.

What are you... doing?

Anyone who spends over $600 gets their picture taken for the wall.

No... (sighs)

Josh: Hey, thanks for coming, man.

Hector: Are you kidding?

I had dieciséis margaritas.

(Josh laughs)

Hector: It was awesome, right?

Yeah, I just still feel kind of weird after what happened at Rebecca's apartment the other day.

So, after I mentioned dinner, I kind of freaked, and that's why I called you guys for backup.

Hector: Yeah, dude, don't worry about it.

Say queso.

Queso.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry the rocket exploded on re-entry.

Yeah, so, I think we're done with the Apollo 13 references.

Okay.

I just want to spend time with him.

(sighs)

I want so badly to go back to the way things were.

♪ Romantic moments you had ♪
♪ That he didn't know were romantic ♪

(Josh grunting)

♪ Or maybe he did a little ♪
♪ We're not really sure ♪
♪ ♪
♪ But most likely not ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

But now I freaked him out.

God, I am so afraid that it's over, that things will never be normal between us ever again.

Josh just doesn't want to spend time with me anymore.

Oh, I was so close, and now he won't even be alone with me.

God, I am never alone.

This client requires so much hand-holding, it's like we're married.

Last week we go to Fresno for a hearing.

The hotel's overbooked, so we get a room with one bed, and then I'm between the sheets with his body pressed against mine.

Oh, last week I saw more of him than I did my own wife.

And I mean literally, because I saw him naked, like, eight times.

That's genius.

We make him a client.

Client.

All we need is a case.

I love it.

Wait, also...

I love that we all had the same idea at the same time.

It's like we're on each other's mental cycle.

Totally.

So, what do we do?

Uh, what case can you help Josh with?

Or do we just get him arrested and then go from there?

No, come on.

I'm a member of the bar, I swore an oath.

Also, I lied to Josh once...

Once?

... okay, I got caught once and it was the worst feeling, and I'm never doing it again.

So, no made-up cases.

Fine, okay, we don't make up anything, we find something. Something legit.

Something you can actually help him with.

Exactly.

How... do... we... do... that?

Okay, you don't want to lie to him.

Can we hurt him?

Just a little bit.

Like, scalding coffee from a takeout place.

Or...

Ooh! He works at that radiology lab.

Oh, come on, that place looks like a cancer factory, surely he has a tumor somewhere.

What do tumors cause?

Water on the brain...

Water. Wait, I know a real thing.

White Josh: Okay, focus, focus.

Stay focused, you got three more.

Keep your eyes on me.

Oh, I am.

All right. Two.

Are you breathing?

I feel like you're not breathing at all.

I'm not breathing?

You're not breathing.

You know what, let's, uh, let's take a break.

Doing great.

Okay.

I'm gonna-I'm gonna put these down.

Okay.

Take 60 seconds.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So, when was the last time we saw each other?

At your house, the fight.

Yeah, yeah, well, that-that was the general event, but the specific event was...

When I kissed you on the cheek?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was, uh, funny.

(laughs) I mean, was that, like, a European thing, or was that something Hector put you up to?

No, dude, I'm gay.

You were being cute, so...

You're gay?

No one's ever mentioned that.

Uh, well, everybody knows.

It's not a big deal.

Oh.

Okay, it's just... maybe your nickname should be Gay Josh instead of White Josh, because then people would know what's up.

Why?

We don't call Greg, Straight Greg.

We don't call you, Old Gay Darryl.

Whoa, what?

I am not old gay.

I am not... or gay.

I'm... divorced.

I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that, you just...

No, no... gave me the vibe.

No. What-what vibe?

The gay vibe.

But I don't understand why there would be a vibe.

I like women. I like sleeping with women.

I like the way they smell, and I like the way that they... the-the feel of their skin, I like their bird-like voices.

I mean, does that sound gay?

Nope.

Sounds like a serial k*ller, but a straight one, for sure.

Yeah, a straight ser... What? No.

You know what, I think this is enough right now.

Okay.

Because you know what, I actually have to return a call Yup.

To my ex-wife, Sure.

Who's a girl.

Uh-huh.

You know?

No problem.

We actually reproduced together.

Okay.

Cool.

That's-that's not something you can do solo.

That's... a good point.

That's teamwork.

(door closes)

Valencia: So, what is this stupid meeting about?

Well, I'm here to dis...

Oh, this is the boyfriend, huh?

Josh: Uh, Trent. His name is Trent, and he went to Harvard.

Rebecca: Yes.

Great picture.

Where was it taken?

Palm Springs.

Ah, hm, we just had to spa.

Okay, let's start this meeting, shall we?

Great.

Valencia, tell me something.

Does your ass feel weird right now?

Joshy, what is she talking about?

Because you, my friends, are sitting on a gold mine.

You remember the other night, at that really fun group hang, you were telling me about the lack of hot water in your apartment.

Yeah.

Well, did you know that's not only an annoyance, but it's also a also a violation of your contractual tenant rights?

Get to the point, Harvard.

My point is, we can sue your landlord for all of the back rent that you've paid since you moved in, plus damages.

Whoa, that would be, like, thousands of dollars.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

What's in it for you?

It's purely a business decision.

I wouldn't charge you a fee, I would take a percentage.

You make money, I make money.

That's... really nice of you.

We could use the cash, babe.

Well, great.

Let's set you up here.

All I need is both your signatures where it says tenant.

Um, there's a problem.

Oh right, I'm-I'm sorry, my mistake, Josh mentioned that you, uh, weren't on the lease.

Josh, you told her?

You know how sensitive I am about the lease.

It's-it's okay.

We can just make Josh the sole plaintiff, no biggie.

A-And then we can make thousands of dollars.

R-right, Rebecca?

Yes, at least.

No.

No, no.

We're not doing this.

I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, which is not far, because you eat bagels after 8:00 p.m.

Come on, Josh.

I'm sorry, that was rude.

Okay, fine.

Enjoy your cold showers!

Yeah, and don't underestimate the joy of a midnight bagel.

Thank you.

Okay, we did it your way.

Can we now scald him with gas station coffee?

Man, a settlement could mean a lot for me and Valencia.

She has all this stuff she wants to buy, and I want a hoverboard, obviously, but I also want to invest in our future.

Buy a stock.

Or two stocks.

How many stocks do people have?

I don't know, I'm just a kid.

All I know is, tech is overvalued right now.

All right, shh.

It's Serrano. Okay, don't tell him any of this.

He's got lots of opinions and he's very judgmental.

Oh, I already told him.

What? How?

I've been texting under the table the whole time we were talking.

I'm a digital addict.

I diagnosed myself online.

Greg: What are you doing?

Hey, Greg. You're doing some lawsuit with Rebecca about water or something?

All right, I haven't decided, but I can make the decision myself.

I'm not dumb.

Dude, this time that's not what I'm saying.

I haven't said anything because I know you like Rebecca, but I've had some serious doubts for a while now, and I just don't want you to get mixed up in anything...

Dude, she went to Harvard and she thinks Valencia and I could get a lot of money.

That's what Satan told Faust.

Oh, you guys didn't know?

My school went charter.

Chan, you're a nice guy.

You always see things in the best light, but Valencia is right.

Rebecca is into you.

She always has been.

She just wants to spend time with you.

Why can't anyone see that?

The whole case is just a pretext.

A pretext.

Is that like when a little text comes out before the real text?

I learned about that in health class.

A-alright, I got to go. I have to think.

I want you to protect yourself, Josh.

Rebecca is not what she seems to be.

That thing with the broken glass?

She was up to something.

She's too smart.

She will outsmart you.

Dude, I can take care of myself.

I've got a lot of black belts.

She's not trying to fight you.

I said I have to think about it.

I haven't decided what I'm gonna do, and I know she has issues, and maybe she's a little into me, but, you know, most girls in town are.

Word. Thanks.

And why are you lecturing me, Serrano?

You're the one that kept trying to go out with her.

I know, I did, but I know better now, and I'm with Heather, and it's so great not thinking about Rebecca's insanity.

Okay, nope, you're wrong.

I just hung with her and I got to say, she seems like she's in a good place.

She's keeping her car in great shape, and she's even got a boyfriend who went to Harvard,.

And has a name that sounds like a newscaster.

Connie Chung?

Wait.

She has a boyfriend?

Well... someone she's seeing. Trent.

Their couple name is Trebecca.

Since when?

Trent?

That's the perfect name for a fake boyfriend.

Stop it.

Look, even if you think Rebecca is, whatever you think she is, you know she's an excellent lawyer, really on top of her game.

Paula: Oh, I just love mixed race babies.

I don't know.

I still think Jewish and Filipino is the best mix.

All right, Paula, come on, we got to get back to work.

I mean, Nigerian and Greek is a close second.

Oh, God, that's a beautiful baby.

Baby.

(in baby voice): Oh, look at the baby.

Aw, they're so nice.

With that little face.

Oh, my God, I want that, like, in my womb.

Paula: You know, there are places that will do that.

Paula!

What!

Whoa.

Oh, you okay?

You're fine.

Yeah, nope, good, good, good.

Okay, I found...

What?

I found something. Call Darryl right now.

This will get Josh back on board the case then we can spend more time together.

(pounding on door)

Josh.

Oh.

W-w-w-w-w-wait, I-I-I have news.

Where is Josh?

Josh isn't here, and it doesn't matter anyway.

I'm on to you now.

I know you're full of it, and now I have proof.

Huh, what are you talking about?

Hey, Greg. What do you mean, proof?

Tell her, Greg.

I, um, I looked it up, and I read some stuff online about local tenant laws capping settlements.

Okay, I don't really understand all of it.

Dude, are we not friends anymore?

Like, are you mad at me?

Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems like you're scheming behind my back with Valencia.

Wow.

I'm sorry, don't you have a life?

Don't you have a girlfriend?

I just think there's something... not right.

There's a wrongness here.

(Josh panting)

Josh: Whoa.

What's everyone dog here?

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

Oh, we just went on a run, dude.

Will someone tell me what's going on here?

(all talking at once)

Joshy. Joshy. Josh, Josh. Don't listen to her.

(all talking at once)

What?

(shouting): Everyone, listen to Cookie!

She-she calls me Cookie.

Okay, so...

I figured out if I can switch the case to a county court, I can take advantage of a tax loophole in the assessment tax codes.

Let me sum it up.

If you get your whole building to sign up, I can get you a crap ton of dough.

Paula: She's right.

In a suit like this, the payout can be huge.

In Arizona, the tenants got $10 million in an asbestos liability dispute.

Or we can call one plumber and no one has to go to court.

Shut up, Greg.

Josh, listen, I need your help to get everyone in this building on board.

We can do this.

This is your moment.

This is your decision.

What do you say?

Please, at least just discuss it.

There is nothing to discuss.

Okay, we don't even know our neighbors, and they clearly are not interested in making any money.

Don't you get it?

We're just not interested.

(sighs)

Josh, if I get everyone else in the building to sign up, will you join?

Don't do it.

Josh, I...

Bye.

Wow, that is a big bummer.

No.

Not a bummer at all.

Come on, guys.

Yeah, but she said the neighbors won't...

You are Darryl Whitefeather.

And your people have been through a lot worse than some emaciated yoga teacher, am I right?

What do you mean, my people?

Chippewa, Darryl.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Those people. Right, right, right.

Follow my lead.

(baby jabbers)

Hello, ma'am, my name is Rebecca Bunch, Esquire, and these are my legal associates.

Hello.

Tell me, is your hot water out?

Yeah, but they said they're going to fix it...

May I speak to you for a moment about an important issue?

A serious problem threatening your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Um...

She's right. It's a big-ass problem.

Okay, sure.

Wonderful.

♪ ♪
♪ There's nothing I love more in life ♪
♪ Than a scalding hot shower ♪
♪ It's the symbol of human dignity ♪
♪ That separates us from the chimps ♪
♪ Helps you scrub off the sleep ♪
♪ And scrub on the day ♪
♪ Or scrub off the day, and scrub on the sleep ♪
♪ Don't know if you're morning or night shower people ♪
♪ Whatever floats your boat ♪
♪ But where are your toddlers gonna float their boats ♪
♪ If all you have is cold H2O? ♪
♪ That's two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen ♪
♪ And zero parts justice ♪
♪ Now I know you're thinking ♪
♪ “What are you talking about? ♪
♪ Go away, this is private property” ♪
♪ Well, before we leave, ladies and gents ♪
♪ Allow me to set the scene: ima... ♪

Yeah, I don't live here.

Oh.

♪ Imagine your kids ♪
♪ Taking a shower before they go to school ♪
♪ They douse their skin with ice cold water ♪
♪ A huge shock to their little systems ♪
♪ At first it's downright unpleasant, but then ♪
♪ It gets them wired in a way they've never felt ♪
♪ And they think to themselves, “That shower felt great” ♪
♪ “Maybe I'll try cocaine” ♪
♪ So your son's on coke, your daughter's pregnant ♪
♪ And your husband's probably ♪
♪ Having an affair, apocalypse ♪

♪ Just like the movie I Am Legend ♪

♪ But not like that at all ♪
♪ No hot water ♪
♪ Which means cold showers ♪
♪ Next thing you know, your kids will be on cr*ck ♪
♪ No hot water ♪
♪ Which means cold showers ♪
♪ Which everyone knows ♪
♪ Is the gateway drug to cr*ck ♪
♪ cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck ♪

♪ cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck ♪

Now, it's not just about the hot water, folks...

♪ cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck ♪

If this landlord isn't taking one measly hour out of his day to fix your showers, then what's this scumbag doing with all your hard earned cash?

He's taking it and blowing it...

♪ cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck ♪

In a hand of Pai Gow at the Indian casino.

(all gasp) ♪ cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck ♪

He's fat-catting it at fancy restaurants like The Olive Garden.

(all gasp) ♪ cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck, cr*ck ♪

And Red Lobster.

(all gasp)

Gasp is right.

♪ That's gasp with an uppercase “G” ♪
♪ That ends with “P” the first letter in pool ♪

♪ No hot water ♪

♪ No hot water ♪

♪ Which means cold showers ♪

♪ Next thing you know ♪
♪ Your kids will be on cr*ck ♪

♪ This makes sense ♪
♪ No hot water ♪
♪ Means cold, cold showers ♪
♪ And cold showers are ♪
♪ The gateway drug ♪
♪ To cr*ck ♪
♪ Cold water is dr*gs ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

Let's make ourselves a case, folks!

(cheering)

Can I get one of these?

Darryl: Absolutely, here you go.

(people chattering)

(sighs)

Josh, I got everyone on board.

What do you say?

Don't let her manipulate you.

Yeah, you're too smart for this.

Is he?

(singsong): Josh and I are gonna spend a lot of time together today.

(Rebecca humming)

Josh is here.

Oh. Josh is here.

Okay. Here, no, let the girls out.

There we go.

Okay, fluff them up.

Oh, okay. Get-get them up there. Oh, God...

See, people think they're fake, but when you get up close, you realize no human could design these.

Oh, thank you.

People think they're fake?

Gym business.

Ah. White Joshua, I just wanted to inform you that I am not going to be training with you anymore.

In the future, my fitness will be coming here, courtesy of the cardio mambo class.

Here, we leave our sneakers and our assumptions by the door.

Well, near the door.

In the little cubbies.

Cool, cool, cool.

No better way to prove to yourself you're straight than a barefoot, cardio mambo class.

Nothing to prove.

Tanya, want to stretch?

Last time, guys.

♪ ♪

Right.

Getting sweaty, guys.

And squeeze.

♪ ♪

Squeeze, and squeeze, and hop.

And... squeeze.

And squeeze, again.

Big finish.

Now, pose.

Oh, my God, could I be...

Woman: Bye. Woman 2: Bye.

Man: Bye. Man 2: Bye.

Bye. Bye.

You're bi, Darryl.

What?

I said, yerba maté tea.

Mmm, I want one.

(laughs softly)

Oh, my gosh, you can draw that upside down?

Isn't that weird?

That's like really good. I'm like-I'm like amazing.

Oh, thank you very much Oh.

Josh, would you like flat or bubbles?

Oh, uh, no bubbles.

Uh, they give me dem burps.

(Rebecca laughs)

(both laugh)

Oh...

Anyway, we should get, um, back to the zoning ordinances.

So, uh, the next thing to do is file this paperwork with the city.

But more importantly, we have to decide what we're eating for dinner tonight. I'm starving.

All right, let's see...

So, yesterday we had Middle Eastern, this morning we had Boba delivered...

I liked that a lot...

And then we had Ethiopian...

Yeah, this case is gonna make us very... well-rounded.

(laughs)

(both laughing)

Well-rounded, I love that.

You like that?

I'm having the best time.

(laughing): Yeah.

Sorry, um, Rebecca, you have a call on line five.

Hey, Paula, where's a good Italian place around here, something, like, Northern.

It's the landlord from Josh's building.

Oh. Oh, he must be running scared.

Okay, watch this, Josh.

I'm gonna put on my lawyer voice.

Well, well, well, the day of reckoning has arrived.

Your reign of terror will soon be over, Mr. Edward B. Greyson, and...

What?

(whispering): What's wrong?

(whispering): Shh.

(whispering): Did we lose the case?

(whispering): We haven't been to court yet, Pun'kin.

(quietly): Oh.

Well, I'm gonna have to get back to you.

He, um, he wants to settle.

Darryl: Take it.

Take it, take it, take it.

Wha... how did you hear me?

Oh, well, I had the little glass against the wall.

How much? How much? How much?

I mean, the amount doesn't really matter.

Uh, yeah, it does. (laughs)

Fine, he-he was willing to settle for a million.

A million dollars?

We each get $1 million?

No, Pun'kin, it's got to be spread out amongst all the litigants, but still, it's-it comes to comes to, like, 10,000 bucks each, right?

Huzzah!

This case is over.

Yeah, I'm gonna turn it down.

What?

What?

What?

George.

Oh. We talked about this.

Sorry.

I know.

Guys, don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing.

Just let me think about this for a second.

Paula, come into my office.

Paula, this case can't be over, because Josh and I are having the best time.

Like, today we put popcorn in the microwave, and then he showed me how to put Parmesan and garlic flakes on it, and we made, like, an Italian popcorn thing, and it was, like, the best thing I've ever had, so I'm gonna figure something out, I'm gonna figure something out.

Okay, babe, babe, babe, you're spiraling.

(inhales and exhales loudly)

(whispering): Let me think, let me think.

That landlord would not have ponied up such a big settlement offer if there wasn't something under this.

Something's going on.

Something with the water in this city.

And I'm going to figure out what it is.

How are you going to do that?

(echoing): Water conspiracy, water conspiracy, water conspiracy.

Where in town can I buy fly-fishing equipment?

What?

Just answer me.

Purely Sports on East Cameron.

Great.

I really have to talk to you. We're not gonna settle?

What are we going to do?

Rebecca, we really need that money.

I'm going to make you more money. What?

Darryl, how does your ass feel?

What?

Come with me.

I don't know why we had to meet in a garage.

I need your help.

You're the only one who sees through Rebecca like I do.

What do you want me to do?

I can't prove she's lying.

That's okay.

I have evidence that she's lying.

Look at this.

I'm telling you.

That bitch cray.

Tell him, Bert.

The Los Angeles county water system is a complex creature.

Now, we're surrounded by water, of course, but until those Israelis learn out how to desalinate, we're up crap's creek, scrabbling around buying water from Colorado.

You look confused, let me explain.

So, Bert is a... disgruntled... ex-utility employee, Very much. who's the leader of a group of water conspiracy theorists known as the Water Truthers.

I dismissed him at first, as I do most conspiracy theories, but I looked into it, and, well... his theories hold water.

Damn straight they do!

We're here.

Where?

This manhole here is a secret, central entrance which leads down into the entire system.

Watch your toes.

Ooh.

(Bert grunting)

So, this is like... the vag*na of the system.

It's a manhole.

So, this manhole is a vag*na.

You're saying a lot of crazy stuff.

Now come on, let's see how the corporate Illuminati control liquid.

This here is the central switching station for West Covina.

Now, as you can see, some of these pipes, like this one here, is being siphoned off.

That means that there's a lack of water pressure, which causes water heaters to under-perform, since they're only triggered at a certain pound-per-square-inch number.

It's the age-old trick.

You steal a little bit from everybody, nobody notices... except ol' Bert here.

These pipes were designed to supply water throughout the county, so they go both ways.

Both ways. Interesting.

Yeah, but as you can see from this gauge right here, the water's being forced to go only one way.

Well, that's not fair.

Exactly.

The water in these pipes want to go every which way.

Yes, yes, it does, and it has every right to.

You're really into this water, Darryl.

Well, I'm fascinated. Okay.

The water is being diverted away from the San Gabriel Valley and towards Los Angeles.

Wait, but who would do that?

They're called Greater City Water, a conglomerate of utility companies, reservoirs and aqueduct owners working in cahoots with local landlords.

S-so, you're saying...

I'm saying that it's not just about one landlord, it's about the entire San Gabriel Valley being exploited by a corporation worth billions.

And if they're worth billions, then they can be sued for billions.

Yes.

(chuckles)

And if they can be sued for billions, then that means Josh and I are gonna eat Peruvian, and Sicilian pizza at the Poutine Place.

Ooh, at the Greek place, at the mac and cheese place.

There's a rib place, there's also a good poke place.

Anyway, oh, I should go.

Me, too.

Cool, I'm just gonna go back in my hole and eat some rats.

Uh, here we go.

Hi. Whoa, what are you wearing?

Fly-fishing gear.

What are you wearing, dude?

Oh, uh, fly-fishing gear.

Okay, so, I found sod thing out.

I found something out.

So did I.

Trent?

Now, it's true, I'm not gay.

I, Darryl Whitefeather...

I like both sexes.

I'm a both sexual.

Oh, God, it feels so good to just say that out loud.

The term is, uh, bisex...

Mm.

Bisexual.

That was fun.

Oh, Rebecca, perfect timing.

Trent just got here five seconds ago.

Trent, baby.

It's so good to see you.

(squealing): Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

(Rebecca laughs awkwardly)

(laughter)

Okay, let's hear it for window washer...

All: Gossip Fridays.

Oh, wait, who has got the biggest scoop from their work this week?

Mm. Oh, there's a prost*tute breaking up marriages all over town.

Okay, well I've got more news about Rebecca and Josh.

Oh, my God, you mean the crazy chick?

Excuse me, where do you get off calling her crazy?

When Jerome broke up with you, it wasn't exactly Sane City.

You left streaks on every skyscraper in Burbank.

(laughs)

You said you'd never mention that again.

Guess not.