07x15 - Hecks at a Movie

[bunniefuu]

[crow caws]

Frankie: Out here in the middle, we spend a lot of time at the movies. We go to escape the heat, the cold, and just the monotony of our lives. Yep, everybody loves going to the movies.

I've never been to the movies.

What are you talking about?

Of course you've been to the movies.

No, I haven't.

I've seen them on TV and from the car once, but I've never been in an actual theater.

[sighs] Oh, yeah, I remember.

We wanted to take you when you were little, but you had all that sensory weirdness.

Yes, and I'm sure that's how the doctors suggested you refer to it.

Very healthy, very supportive.

I'm a teenager and I've never been to the movies.

It's pretty sad.

When I was a teenager, my mom d*ed.

Yeah, but she took you to the movies before she did, right?

We're taking you now.

Here, put these Milk Dudes up your sleeve.

What are Milk Dudes?

The Frugal Hoosier version of Milk Duds.

What are Milk Duds?

You know what Milk Duds are.

It's a classic movie sna... Oh.

I got potatoes for everybody.

Are potatoes a classic movie snack, too?

He says we've never taken him to the movies.

Oh, well, "Flatlands" is a great first movie to see.

It was partially filmed right here in Orson.

A Hollywood movie partially filmed in Orson.

They used Tally's Diner as what they call an establishing sh*t.

I read that in the "Orson Patch."

It's not actually the inside of the diner.

The third unit just came and sh*t the exterior.

What? I drove by.

So, what goes on at the theater?

Are there chairs?

Is there a conveyor belt that brings you in?

As I mentioned, I've never been to the movies.

Have you been to Earth?

Not if I have to rely on you to take me there.

Snap! Slap it high!

Shove those down your pants.

Roger that.

This is so cool.

I know. I didn't sleep last night.

I am running on pure adrenaline.

Oh, you know, they sent in what they call a third unit to sh**t the exterior.

Mike drove by.

Hey, Mom! They have popcorn here!

We didn't have to bring our own!

[chuckles]

You'd think he'd never been to the movies.

He has.

[laughter]

I was so bummed that the actors didn't come to Orson to film.

I've never seen a celebrity.

Bill's met one at a pool.

Tell them, Bill.

Oh, Okay.

Yeah, I mean, it was somebody big, but let me just get you there.

I'm in college, a busboy, and they say there's gonna be a group of 12 coming.

So, you got your sections.

Oh, when I was a waitress, I could never get the section I wanted.

I don't know why. Oh, no, no. I do know why.

There was this one waiter, and he knew the owner.

No, no. It was his nephew, Brian.

Ugh, hated that guy.

[chuckles]

So... So, I didn't know who it was, right, but I knew it was a biggie because they had to have exactly five sliced lemons in their water.

I mean, you don't get that unless you're somebody.

What is with the lemons in the water?

I do not get why that is fancy.

You get the seeds in your throat.

It's not quenching.

[chuckles]

So, anyway, you're bringing the guy lemons...

Yeah, only I didn't say it was a guy.

[all "ooh"]

Oh!

So, I'm there with the lemons, door opens...

Was it Heather Locklear?

I only say that 'cause I read once that she visited Missouri.

[sighs]

I like her. She seems real.

Frankie, let the man finish his story.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

Yeah, it was Heather Locklear.

She loves lemons.

Hey, Judi! Exciting, huh?

Who's that?

None of your business.

Want some pop, honey?

I'll take a pop.

It's right down there by your gigantic feet.

Hey, Fredelle! Oh!

What's this?

You told us to save you seats.

Yeah, not with you. Ugh, fine.

Where are my Milk Dudes?

Oh, here, Sean. I got you a potato, too.

Thanks. There's no meat on here, right?

It's just a phase.

Uh, where are the forks?

Oh, well, I forgot them, and they didn't have any at the concession stand, so I just took these.

Hold them down low.

I didn't buy anything when I took them, so they're essentially stolen.

You can take straws. They figure that in.

In what?

In their thing.

What thing?

I cannot eat a potato with a straw!

It's got a tiny spoon at the end of it.

It's a spoon-straw. It's a spraw.

[sucking loudly]

Well, so far, movie food is not impressing me.

Oh, my God.

Can this family never just buy something from a concession stand?!

It's all good, man.

We're all just trying our best to make our way through this life.

Nobody wants to hear your liberal jibber-jabber.

Frankie: Okay, you know what?

These are just dry, that's all.

Sue, go back to the concession stand and get some butter.

No, I already stole once today.

They figure that in.

I don't know what that means!

Sue, just go.

I don't want to miss Tally's Diner.

You'll be fine. We still have to sit through all the previews.

[action music playing]

Man: Coming, Summer 2016. Based on the best-selling series that swept the nation...

[music stops]

Man #2: Silligans. David S. Rosenthal's... "Planet Nowhere."

They're doing a movie about "Planet Nowhere!"

Hugh Jackman as Professor Faxon. Ray Liotta is Gackos the Batossian. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is Soran. And introducing Montana Steinberg as Princess Kalakare.

[lasers blasting]

Kalakare: The Vernegos will prevail.

Princess Kalakare's 132 years old!

That kid's not a day over 11!

They can't do this! You can't do this!

Brick, it's not like the couch. You got to sit down.

[action music continues]

Stop the movie! Stop the movie!

[indistinct conversations]

[register beeping]

Oh, this is for the popcorn my mom bought before the movie.

Uh, uh, she's very generic-looking, so you definitely saw someone who looks like her buying popcorn.

And she did. With a credit card.

Not a credit card.

Y-You'd have a record of that.

She used cash. She carries a lot of it.

Please don't rob us. [laughs nervously]

I don't think you're a robber.

Ah!

Ugh.

Sue?

♪♪

Logan!

Hi!

Hey. How's... Oh!

I mean, what we just saw isn't "Planet Nowhere."

Man: Based on an incredible true story.

The sets are cheap. The Kalakarians look like Silligans.

And Hugh Jackman? He can't pull off this material.

He's a song-and-dance man.

I'm sick. I'm just sick over this.

That could be the potatoes.

Who are these Warner brothers?

Is there one who's like the leader, so if I get to him, the others will fall in line?

'Cause I need them to not release this movie.

Brick, once the previews come out, it's done. It's too late.

Did Professor Faxon give up when he was negotiating with the Zorgonauts for the Malakian Canal?

He didn't.

But I can understand your confusion, 'cause Hugh Jackman would fold like a Klugarg.

That's Malakian for card table.

I have to stop this.

Coming soon in digital 3D.

Maybe keeping him away from the movies wasn't the worst idea.

[scoffs]

Hey, you've been acting weird. What's with you?

Why don't you guess?

Oh, no. I don't like this game.

All right, then, I'll tell you.

You embarrassed me in front of our friends.

"Let the man finish his story."

Opening Labor Day weekend...

Oh, Frankie, come on.

I was trying to help you.

What?

You kept interrupting Bill, and it was getting uncomfortable.

So, I'm working at this resort, and they say there's this big group coming in, right?

You've got your sections...

Ohh!

When I was a waitress, I never got the section I wanted!

I have no idea why!

Well, anyway...

Oh, no. I know why!

There was this one waiter, the owner's nephew.

Brian! Ugh, I hated that guy!

So, I didn't know who it...

Who it is.

But I knew it was somebody...

Big. Yeah, for sure.

Because they wanted five sliced lemons in their water because you never...

Okay, what is it...

[groans]

...with people and lemons in the water?

Why do people like that?

You get the seeds in your throat.

Am I right? Who's with me?

Yeah, so, anyway, you were getting lemons...

So, I'm, uh, getting the lemons, and in comes...

Was it Heather Locklear?

I bet it was Heather Locklear 'cause I read that she visited Missouri one time.

I like her. She's so real.

I think we would be friends. I really do.

Honey, let the man finish his story, okay?

Okay, first of all, you've never called me "honey" in your life.

And I wasn't interrupting him.

What I was doing is something called making conversation.

You wouldn't recognize it because you never say anything to anyone.

You just stand there like a plaid Abe Lincoln statue.

I'm telling you, it was uncomfortable.

The only time it got uncomfortable was when you snapped my head off.

What are you talking about?

They were horrified.

You couldn't see their faces 'cause you're so freakishly tall, but I saw their faces.

So, I'm working at this resort, and they say there's this big group coming in, right?

You got your sections.

When I was a waitress, I never got the section I wanted.

Exactly!

We had this one waiter, the owner's nephew.

Brian! I hated that guy.

Oh, man, we had a Brian!

No!

[laughter]

So, I don't know who's coming in, okay, but I knew it was somebody special because they had to have exactly five sliced lemons in their water.

What is it with the lemons in the water?

I do not get why that's fancy.

You get seeds in your throat. It's not quenching.

[laughter]

So, you're bringing the guy lemons.

[clears throat] Yeah.

Yeah, only... only I didn't say it was a guy.

[all "ooh"]

Ohh.

So I got the lemons, the door opens, and guess who it was.

Mm... Was it Heather Locklear?

'Cause I think I read an article where she...

Pbht! Let the man finish his story!

[sighs]

I didn't go like this.

I went like this.

Oh, [scoffs] it doesn't matter.

Either way, it was disrespectful to me.

When we go out in the world, we present a picture of a loving, happy marriage.

We do?

Yeah, and you took that picture and you just smashed it between your long, Crypt Keeper fingers.

Give me a break.

Every couple gets annoyed with each other.

In private.

You did it in public. You let everyone in.

There's now six people in our marriage.

Good, can I pick another one to hang out with?

[sighs]

[cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Oh, I feel like I have to pee, but it's just excitement!

[chuckles]

I don't want to argue here, all right?

I want to enjoy the third-unit establishing sh*t of Tally's Diner.

We'll talk about this at home.

We're not done?

Woman: And you say that's in my tap water?

Check it out.

Hmm?

That kid's going in for a kiss.

Ooh, gutsy move right at the beginning.

If she sh**t him down, that's a long movie.

Yeah, but if she doesn't, that's two hours of kissing.

High risk, high reward.

[gasps]

Yeah!

And he scores. Nice.

Man, I remember my first kiss.

Oh, yeah. Totally memorable.

I mean, all of mine are memorable for the girl.

But that first one... Susie Baker's basement.

Me too.

Yeah?

[both chuckle]

Helped it was super dark.

Yeah.

Wouldn't have had the nerve otherwise.

Yeah, I did it in that closet behind Susie's furnace, where it's super dark.

Me too.

[chuckles nervously]

And so, we kissed for a f-few seconds, and then Susie's dad came downstairs, and yelled, "Everybody out!

I want to watch 'Deal Or No Deal!'"

Yes.

So we ran like crazy, and she... she hit her head.

And I hit my head.

So then I found Brick, but when I got back to the library, you were gone.

Oh, when I couldn't find you, I thought maybe you were blowing me off.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I don't blow off.

That's not my sty... uhl.

Style.

I tried to shorten "style" and it came out "sty."

Uh-huh.

You were there for that.

Uh-huh. [laughs]

So, uh... So I guess that means we actually want to spend time together.

I guess it does.

I'm sorry. Uh, you're missing the movie.

What's a movie?

Oh! Oh, right.

Oh, no. I don't care about that.

I'm only here because my parents made me.

Let me just get them this butter.

Just stay... right here.

Yes, yes.

Actually, you know, maybe we should just exchange info this time, just to be safe.

Smart.

[phone squeaks, clatters]

Butter. [chuckles]

Hey.

Hey.

Pretty boring, huh?

Who'd have thought a movie about unsafe drinking water in the Midwest wouldn't be a thrill ride?

[chuckling] Yeah.

Hey, Ron, let me ask you something...

Do you think I was too hard on Frankie earlier?

What do you mean?

In the lobby.

When she kept interrupting Bill, and I told her to let him finish.

Oh, I didn't notice anything.

Thank you.

'Cause she's saying it's a big deal, and now we're supposed to talk about it at home.

Uh-oh.

If I were you, I'd just apologize and end it here.

Never take a fight to a second location.

Huh.

All right, I'm heading back in.

I don't want to miss the big lab scene where they test the dirt.

Yeah.

Ketchup or no ketchup?

Ketchup, unless it's a hot dog.

Me too.

Yeah!

Um, which Jimmy... Fallon or Kimmel?

Kimmel.

Mm, 100%.

Ice skating or sledding?

Sledding.

Me too.

Yeah.

Weak ankles.

[chuckles]

Jacket or no jacket?

What?

It's kind of cold out.

Do you want my jacket?

Oh.

Ohhh.

[chuckles]

Jacket.

Yeah?

There we go.

[both chuckle]

Woman: I'm meeting my lawyer for lunch.

Oh, she just said she's gonna meet the lawyer for lunch.

This could be the diner!

Oh!

They aren't telling us what is really...

I've gotten a lot better at it.

What? [clears throat]

The kissing.

Me too.

Way better.

Just so you know, I've kissed 38 women and I've never had any complaints.

Me neither... no complaints.

I'm still in single digits, but then my grades are better.

♪♪

We use a charcoal filter. We change it every month.

I'm sorry.

[indistinct conversation]

And you say that's in my tap water?

[sighs]

They told us it was safe. Just as good as bottled water.

[indistinct conversation continues]

[sighs]

Man: Hey, it's the diner!

[applause]

Oh, I've had pancakes there!

[sighs]

At home.

[sighs]

We can't stop everyone from seeing "Planet Nowhere," but even if this one theater didn't show it, it would make a difference.

I hear you.

I got to sit through that preview five times a day.

Nine galaxies, and the only black guy is Dwayne Johnson.

So we agree.

All you have to do is lock the door.

If you don't turn it on, no one will see it.

I got to show it. It's my job.

Don't sweat it, man.

Think about all the other movies that are different from the book.

I wouldn't know.

[indistinct conversations]

Oh, this looks good.

Totally gonna see it opening day.

Frankie: Brick realized he needed to take a stand. So he took the stand.

Thanksgiving or Christmas?

Christmas, definitely.

Kiss or no kiss?

Kiss.

[chuckles]

♪♪

Wow or no wow?

Wow.

Me too. [chuckles]

Sue, I really like you.

I really like you, too.

I just...

I need to tell you something.

[inhales sharply]

I'm thinking about changing my major.

Oh.

Well, I don't really think that's gonna affect our relationship.

Unless, I mean, if it's psychology, because I think I'm gonna do psychology.

And if we have two psychologists in the family, then that could really mess up our kids.

Uh...

Not that we're having kids yet.

It's not like I've already named one of them Emmaline.

Look, Sue, I was thinking about changing my major to religious studies.

Mm-hmm.

I'm thinking of becoming a priest.

Oh.

God.

♪♪

So, uh, listen, about that thing we were talking about in there...

What thing?

Only thing I did was watch a delightful movie about tainted drinking water.

Last thing I remember saying is, "Isn't this a delightful movie about tainted drinking water?"

Yeah. That's all I remember, too.

[indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[muffled groan]

Are you kidding me?

Really?!

You give me an Abercrombie model with washboard abs, and then you take him away from me?

I will never forgive you for this!

Dear God, please forgive me for saying I will never forgive you for this.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm not myself.

You know, I'm confused.

It's like I want to fight for Logan, but that would mean competing with you.

And I don't want to steal Logan from you.

Not that I could steal Logan from you.

And I would never steal.

Except for the spraws and the butter.

Is this punishment for that?

This is so frustrating.

It's like you are the only one who could help me, but you're also my nemesis. [gasps]

Dear God, please forgive me for calling you my nemesis.

[exhales] I'm gonna stop talking now.

Please just tell me what to do.

[sighs]

♪♪♪♪

[door opens]

Hey.

Hi.

Uh, sorry, I accidentally took your jacket home.

That's not true.

I did it on purpose so I could see you again.

[chuckles]

Father, I cannot tell a lie.

Wait. That's not right.

That's George Washington.

[chuckles]

Sue.

I'm sorry.

No. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I didn't know what to say when you told me.

The whole thing just kind of took me by surprise.

I mean, you walk around outside the Abercrombie store shirtless.

That doesn't really scream priest.

Yeah.

No, I, um... I didn't handle it right.

I mean, I was all like... [imitates smooching]

"Hey, I'm a priest."

[laughs]

But I really do like you.

And I don't even know if I'm gonna do it anyway.

I just... I thought it wasn't fair not to tell you.

No. No, no, no, no.

You got to figure this out.

And I've got my stuff, too.

I've got no-cut a cappella, no-cut tap.

And, besides, we're not even at the same school.

So, really, what were we thinking?

I don't think we were thinking.

I think we were feeling.

Sometimes you got to listen to your heart as much as to your head.

Crap.

You are gonna be such a good priest.

[chuckles]

Bye, Nancy! Bye, Ron! Fun night!

Hey, you guys want to come in for a beer?

What is the matter with you?!

There is a social contract between us!

And that social contract says that you have to love, honor, and not do this in front of our friends!

I want you to take this hand gesture out of your repertoire of hand gestures!

You know what? I talked to Ron about it in the men's room, and he didn't think it was a big deal.

You talked to Ron?

About our marriage?

In the men's room?!

That's right. I talk to people.

Not when they're in the middle of a story, but I talk to people.

This is a fiasco!

Now Ron's gonna tell Nancy and it's gonna be all over the place!

What are you doing?

I got to casually e-mail Nancy about how great our marriage is, and then I'm gonna rip your guts out!

[computer beeps]

[keyboard keys clacking]

Oh, my God! They're back!

What?

The pictures!

All our pictures that we lost at Christmas!

They're all back!

Oh, my God!

Every picture from the last seven years!

They're all here!

Oh! [laughs]

Oh!

Print them out.

I will tomorrow.

[door opens]

Sue! Sue! All the pictures popped back up.

What?

Oh!

Oh, my God!

This is my present from God for giving Logan back!

Yeah!

Oh, I can't believe it!

Oh, look, look!

Ohh, look at that one!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes!

That's the one... that's the one...

Sometimes fights just end that way. You think you're mad, then you realize other stuff's more important.

♪♪

What the hell is this?

That is my first blow against the brothers Warner.

Luckily, Sue's car is huge.

You can't just take that, Brick. It's stealing.

It's not stealing. They figure this stuff in.

They don't.

I'm a conscientious objector.

You've always told me my whole life I should stand up for what I believe in.

Like when you guys didn't take us to the pool for the whole summer because we were protesting low pay for lifeguards.

Yeah, your mom just didn't want to take you to the pool.

I had to do something.

How can people spend all this time on a movie and get it so wrong?

[sighs] Look, Brick, you see it one way, someone else sees it another way.

They're probably not right... you are... but it's just the way it is.

Don't tell your mom I said that.

♪♪