01x02 - Moving Day

[bunniefuu]

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Why?

It's time for Sunday brunch!

Oh, come back when it's time for Sunday dinner.

But Mom made her famous blueberry pancakes.

And she used duck eggs for more nutrition and a deeper flavor profile.

What? I like my cooking shows.

Come on!

No, no, no.

Come on!

No.

Come on!

Here, Tommy.

Enjoy your breakfast bottle, the most important bottle of the day.

Morning, Mom.

There he is!

My beautiful firstborn baby boy.

Have a seat right at the head of the table and while you wait for your favorite pancakes, enjoy a pre-breakfast milkshake.

You're being weird.

I'm not being weird.

Can't a mom make her beautiful firstborn son a pre-breakfast milkshake?

Okay, that was kind of weird.

Can I have some hot fudge on my pancakes?

Sure, honey.

Okay, you're up to something.

I got her up. Aunt Stephanie is not a morning person.

No. No, Aunt Stephanie is a night person.

You know, when the clubs are going off, bottles are popping, people are hooking up... [clears throat loudly] ...their Xboxes.

Aunt Steph, let's go get some juice.

I don't want any juice.

Then help me pick out my juice.

She's such a good juice picker-outer.

[whispers] I still haven't told the boys Kimmy and Ramona are moving in today.

Chicken.

Okay, I'm a little chicken.

No, I'm talking about the fried chicken.

The boys have been through so many changes and now here comes another one, and I just don't know how they're going to react.

So don't say a word until I find the right moment to break the news.

Sorry, I spilled the beans.

You told them?

No, I spilled the beans when I was reaching for the chicken.

Mom, please don't make me do this.

Moving in with D.J. and those boys is a terrible idea.

D.J. really needs us and you love her. She's your godmother.

Really? I have a godmother?

So, like, three wishes?

That's a fairy godmother.

Do you really want me to change schools and be the outcast loner kid, all to move in with the whitest family in America?

The Fullers are like albino polar bears drinking milk in a snowstorm, watching Frozen.

That's pretty white.

[speaks Spanish]

[speaks Spanish]

I am not going in there.

There is nothing you can do to make me walk inside that house.

[stammers]

Ramona?

That was so evil.

But extremely effective.

Mom, just tell me what's going on.

Um... Okay.

You might think this is bad news, but it really is good news, just hiding in not-so-great news.

It's like cauliflower filled with jellybeans.

Come on, Mom. How bad can it be?

I've waited my whole life to say this... home, sweet home.

No.

Yes.

Come here, sister-wife.

So, now you all know the good news.

Kimmy and Ramona are here to help us out.

And we really appreciate it, don't we, boys?

Works for me. The more people to drive me around, the merrier.

Jellybean-filled cauliflower my butt!

[door slamming]

Ooh, the mouth on that kid!

Oh, I feel at home already.

Oh, that's sweet. You kept Ramona's turkey art?

No, that's mine.

This is so cool. I'm living in Jesse and Becky's old room.

I was never allowed up here before.

I think Becky was always a little jealous of me.

Yeah, that was definitely the reason.

This will be the new international headquarters for Gibbler Style party planning.

My Fathead will look great right here.

Gotta love it!

So where's my room?

Oh, right through this door. This is where Nicky and Alex used to live.

What do you think? Pretty cozy.

Were Nicky and Alex hobbits?

Maybe I should go live with Papa.

You know your papa is always on the road, so you're stuck with your mama.

Or you can give me a nice apartment and I can raise myself.

Ramona, do your homework. Ramona, clean your room.

Ramona, listen to Ramona.

Wow, this mom thing is so easy.

I got an idea from when I was a kid.

This might work out great for Jackson and Max, and for you.

What if I have the boys share a room, and you could have your own bedroom downstairs?

Private, big closet...

I'm listening.

That was it.

Or stay up here with me.

It will be so much fun.

We'll have mother-daughter slumber parties every night.

Let's go check out that other bedroom.

Jackson, perfect timing.

I baked your favorite... chocolate cake.

Mom, Mom, Mom, if this is another bribe about Kimmy and Ramona moving in, I'm cool.

I can just go hide in my room.

My boy cave.

About your boy cave, there's something else I need to tell you.

Well, it's really not bad news.

I wouldn't say it's great news.

I wouldn't say terrible.

I wouldn't say wonderful.

Jackson! Your room is under att*ck! This is not a drill!

Really got to work on getting to the point.

My stuff!

Excuse me. I found some blue and white paint.

I want my room the same colors as the flag of my people.

[speaks Spanish]

[sighs] You gave away my room?

To give you a much bigger one.

In fact, it's so big, there's enough room for you and Max.

Now I'm living with Max?

I'm living with Jackson?

This is the best day of my life!

Okay, here's the game plan...

Ramona is moving into Jackson's room, the baby is going into Max's old room, and the two of you are moving across the hall into the... good room.

Awesome! Give me a hug, roomie!

Come on, Jackson.

This will be a really good thing for you and Max.

It will bring you closer together.

How much closer can we be?

Let's find out in the good room.

Hey, that cake was for the boys.

Hm? Oh.

We know. We saved them each a slice.

Ooh.

[sighs] I've got some bad news.

Great, another cake!

As if today weren't crazy enough, my boss just called.

There's an emergency down at the pet clinic.

I wish I didn't have to go...

Fear not.

This is exactly why Kimmy and I are here... to make your life easier.

We are Team D.J.

And Team D.J.'s got your back.

Oh, thank you, guys, so much. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here.

Team D.J. on three.

One, two...

Well, hold on.

Is it one, two, and then we say "Team D.J." on three?

Or is it one, two, three, and then we say it?

That would be going on four. Nobody goes on four.

What am I, Canadian?

I'm going to let Team D.J. work this out.

I've been putting up with you for 25 years.

You have put up with me?

Why can't you do simple math?

It's moving day!

I'm moving in with Jackson! It's moving day!

I'm moving in with Jackson!

Ah, there's my favorite little brother.

Oh, no offense, baldy.

You're a smart kid, right?

I've been told I'm very bright for my age.

Well, then you understand that you and me in the same room, it's never going to work.

But Mom said living together would bring us closer.

Moms lie.

Consider this... in my room, I'm in charge of you, but in this room, you are in charge of Tommy.

Don't you want to be The Man?

Of course I do.

I've wanted to be The Man ever since I was The Baby.

Well, then it's settled. You're staying here. Knuckles.

What is that nastiness?

Um, uh, I don't smell a thing.

It's Tommy's diaper!

No way am I living in this stinkatorium!

Thanks a lot, kid. I was this close. This close.

[coughing]

[upbeat music playing]

I want my room back.

Jaxito, moving here was my mom's idea, not mine. So we're both victims.

I'm just the victim with the private bedroom.

And have you seen the city view?

Uh, yeah. I used to live here.

Oh, hey, Jackson.

Oh, hey, Aunt Steph.

Here's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Imagine the thrill of sharing a room with your adorable nephew, Max.

I'm imagining it, okay?

Now you imagine me saying, "No, thank you."

Hey, now.

Hey. Aren't you driving down to LA with your stuff?

Isn't Becky waiting for you down there?

Yeah, she is but I forgot my lucky guitar, Priscilla.

I left it here so I wouldn't forget it, but forgot.

I'm starting to think this guitar is not so lucky.

Uncle Jesse, you've got to help me.

They want me to share a room with a seven-year-old.

I've got the fix. You and Max, go hug it out.

We already did that. I just got him off of me.

Well, you know, we used to hug it out every day in the '80s.

Sometimes it was so sweet, you could hear violin music.

Uncle Jesse? I got this.

You got chicken?

We got chicken.

You got this.

Jackson, when I was five, my dad forced me to move in with D.J., and then he gave my bedroom to Uncle Jesse.

But when I lived there it was wall-to-wall with girly pink bunnies.

You know, that could explain my love for the theatre.

Proceed.

Thank you.

Anyway, D.J. was furious so she moved down to the garage. Of course, she got caught.

If she wanted her own room, she should have run away, rented an apartment.

Would that have worked?

I doubt it.

At age ten, her credit score was really low.

[both laughing]

But it all turned out fine because D.J. realized how lucky she was to live with me.

Do you get the lesson here?

You know what? I do. I'm going to go upstairs right now and bond with Max.

Thanks, guys.

Steph, you know, for your first aunt talk, I think you crushed it.

I did, didn't I?

You'd better.

I gave you, like, 1,000 uncle talks, except you forgot two important words.

"Have mercy."

No. "How rude."

All right, Jesse has left the building.

But first, Jesse has to pee.

Diaper changing is simple. Just remove, refresh and replace.

Then wait for Tommy to reload.

My friends are skiing in St. Moritz right now, and I'm here changing diapers.

Selfie.

They're going to be so jealous.

Okay, let's do this.

Wait. I'm not ready.

Unleash the Kraken!

All right. Here we go.

You know, I haven't done this since Michelle was a baby.

I changed so many of Michelle's diapers, I feel like there were two of her.

Here comes the tricky part. Watch out for the fire hose!

Steph: Yes.

Huh... Boom! Drop the mic.

[phone ringing]

Not me.

[phone ringing]

Uh-oh...

[phone ringing]

[phone beeping]

Hello?

D.J. over phone: Stephanie?

Um, Deej...

Hey. What's up?

D.J.: I'm just checking in.

How is it going with Tommy?

We've never been closer.

[Tommy farting]

What was that?

Oh, you know, I'm playing Angry Birds and I just sh*t a duck.

There's a duck in Angry Birds?

It might have been a goose.

Oh, look, I'm getting a really important phone call.

From who?

Not sure. It might be a butt dial.

Okay, bye, Deej.

Quick thinking.

Well, gotta go.

Me, too.

Have fun getting that phone back.

♪ I said, a hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm just a hunk A hunk of burning love ♪
♪ Wow, I'm just a hunk A hunk of burning love ♪

That song is so good, I could listen to it a thousand times, and I think I will.

♪ Lordy, lordy Feel my temperature rising ♪

Siri, call Becky.

automated voice: Please leave your message after the tone.

Hey, Babe, I just want to tell you...

♪ Girl, girl, girl You're going to set me on fire! ♪

Stop!

[yells]

What are you doing here?

I'm moving to LA with my favorite uncle.

Know what you're not doing? Moving to LA with your favorite uncle.

But if I'm in the truck, you can use the carpool lane.

Oh, that would save some time... No, get up here.

[sighs]

All right.

Is this about losing your bedroom?

No, it's not just that. I mean, it's everything.

I used to live in a house full of guys.

Now, there's women everywhere. I'm outnumbered.

Living with women, you'll learn valuable lessons, like how to talk to them.

Take Becky and her terrible cooking, for instance.

She makes this lasagna that tastes like... What's the word...? Sweatpants.

And I just keep feeding it to the dog because I don't know how to tell her how disgusting it is.

Now our dog weighs about 300 pounds.

[phone beeping]

It was still recording.

She heard my whole... She's going to k*ll me.

Not if we hide out in Mexico. We could fight bulls together.

No, it can't work because I don't look good in matador culottes.

Text your mom, tell her you're with me and we're on our way home.

Oh, come on, kid. We can have some fun.

Watch this.

♪ ...hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I said, a hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I said, a hunk, a hunk of... ♪

Get into it.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I said, a hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

Here you go, guys.

Thank you.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Mom.

Look, it's Team D.J., the most reliable co-parents on the planet.

I had a text from Jackson earlier that had me a little concerned, but it sounds like everything went perfectly fine today.

Fabulous.

And flawless.

So where is Jackson?

Oh, he's upstairs somewhere.

You know, he has been quiet as a mouse ever since I solved your whole bedroom fiasco.

Boy, I wish I had your amazing parenting skills.

Don't feel bad. I know you do your best.

Hey, Jackson, get in here!

Here I am.

Jackson, tell Team D.J. where you've been.

Um, I was in Uncle Jesse's truck.

I made it all the way to Fresno.

This kid's got the bladder of a champ.

All while Team D.J. was being fabulous and flawless.

Deej, I am so sorry.

Frothy cocktail?

On the bright side, three out of four of the kids were right here all day.

Okay, I think we need a family meeting.

I know that look. I feel sorry for Team D.J.

I can go home. I'm not in trouble, right?

No, I am.

It's my first day and I blew it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember my first day?

I changed Michelle on a meat rack, and you and D.J. were go-go dancing on top of amplifiers, eating sundaes and pizza all night.

You were so clueless.

It was awesome.

Well, I learned and so will you. I love you, Steph.

You, too.

Goodbye, everybody!

all: Bye!

[phone beeping]

Uh-oh. Text from Becky...

"Dear Jesse, me and the fat dog are enjoying my lasagna. Your dinner is in the doghouse where you'll be sleeping."

Actually, it's worth it not to have to eat that lasagna.

Okay, first things first...

I don't want to be a person who wags her finger while saying "first things first", so I'll put this thing away.

Jackson, what were you thinking?

Mom, you should know. You ran away when Stephanie moved into your room.

How would you even know that?

Okay, in my defense, that was a small part of a much larger inspirational aunt-nephew teaching moment gone horribly wrong.

To your point, I ran away to the garage. You left the county.

Hey, let's not quibble over whose runaway was better, okay?

I know I shouldn't have left like that.

I just got mad.

I mean, first dad dies, then we all have to move in here.

Now there's more people moving in here, and to top it all off, I lose my room.

[sighs]

Jax.

I know this is just tough... but you have a house full of people who love you.

And as far as your room goes, I get it.

I thought moving in with this squirt was going to ruin my life.

But we got really close sharing that room.

And now you're here for me.

You may not see it now, but living with your brother is a blessing.

Are you sure?

I'm here for you, Bro.

Like the little bird that eats the parasites off the rhino's back.

Can anyone explain what this kid's talking about?

It's a classic symbiotic relationship.

Ramona, I know this is hard on you, too, with your dad and I separated, but as much as I'm helping D.J., D.J.'s helping me.

I'm new at this single-parent thing.

We're all figuring this out.

So everybody has to do their part to make this new family work.

That means respect, compromise, and honesty, okay?

I'm in. But I was never out.

Jackson?

Yeah, okay.

Ramona?

[sighs] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but if you're so desperate to have your room back, I'll go live in the hobbit hole.

Yes!

That is so sweet of you, but I think Jackson and Max are going to love living together.

Oh, thank God!

Hey, Deej, in the spirit of honesty, um...

I lost my phone in your baby's diaper and I butt-answered your call.

What?

Oh, like you've never lost a phone in a diaper before.

No.

Once, I lost a watch in some egg salad.

You know what we need? A group hug! Come on!

Sorry, I forgot my lucky sunglasses.

I knew there would be a hug.

Is it just me or do you hear violins?