01x12 - Save the Dates

[bunniefuu]

Tommy, I wrote a new song, trying to see if it appeals to the youth demographic.

And you're about as youth as they get.

Right? Let's see.

What do you think?

Alright, you are ready for the club, kid!

And here comes the bottle service.

Take your time, Max.

One wrong move and it's all over.

Jengaaa...

I know you're trying to mess with my head.

And it's working.

Easy, easy...

Nobody move but you...

No!

Yes!

J-Money, Jenga Master, wins again!

I can't b*at you at anything.

Oh, that's not true.

You always b*at me at losing.

Hey! That's right.

Hey! That's mean.

That was kinda mean.

You know, I was in the same boat as Max.

I was the little sister and your mom b*at me at everything.

I know. She's always bragging about kicking your butt at Twister.

She only won because she was twice my size.

I couldn't quite get my left foot on green while my right hand was on red.

Now every time I see a stoplight change, I can smell that cheap vinyl mat.

Okay. I'm back.

Look, just let Max win sometime.

You mean lose on purpose?

I'm not sure if I could do that if I tried.

Honestly, I'm that good.

Oh, that's just what your mother used to say.

I've got my big date with Steve today.

It's been 20 years since we went out.

I've got butterflies.

You're watching the kids, right?

Oh, sure.

In fact, I just had a nice chat with Jackson about how the older sister, I mean brother, shouldn't take advantage of the younger sister, I mean brother.

Oh, I get it. This is about Twister.

For the last time, I b*at you because I out-played you, I out-witted you, I out-Twistered you.

Honestly, I'm that good.

Alright. You. Me. Twister board. High noon.

I've got a date.

High afternoon.

You're on.

Prepare to get twisted, sister.

Kimmy, what are you doing?

I saw the kids playing Jenga so I thought I'd try it with lunch meats.

Easy now, easy...

[groans]

Why didn't I pull the pastrami?

Oh, speaking of food, today's D.J.'s big date with Steve.

You know I'm Team Steve.

And I'm Team Matt.

Why? Don't you like Steve?

Oh, no, Steve's great, I just like rooting against Kimmy.

This thing is just like The Bachelorette.

What? My life is not a reality show.

Are you sure?

You're seeing two guys, going on a one-on-one date with each of them and then picking a winner.

Oh, no! I am The Bachelorette.

The way I see it, Matt is the future and Steve is the past.

Steve's not the past.

Yo, yo, yo. Steve Hale in the house.

Hey, Deej.

[Steve chuckles]

Steve, you look...

Younger? Sexier?

No, no, I was gonna say "squirrel-nestier."

I'm taking D.J. back to when we were the hottest couple at Bayview High.

Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

Oh, I should go get a scrunchie and some shoulder pads.

And a pager in case anyone needs to reach me in the nineties.

She's gone. You guys, talk to me.

What's happening? Did she have a good date with Matt?

Nothing to worry about.

Yes!

I've gotta patent this Meat Jenga.

Get it in the stores before Christmas.

Kimmy, it's already in the stores. It's called the deli section.

Guys. Please. Back to my date.

I know I look super cool but I'm a nervous wreck.

You can win D.J.'s heart.

You're sweet, you're charming, you're adorable.

You're Steve Hale, damn it.

I'm Steve Hale, damn it.

I was Bay Area "Podiatrist of the Year" in 2012.

Hey.

We're on like Donkey Kong.

Look, I found my old slap bracelet.

Nice.

Couldn't find my shoulder pads, though, so I'm using Huggies instead.

You look totally rad. Okay, Deej, we're outie 5,000.

I've got Alanis Morissette bumping in the car.

Do you know who that song is really about?

Steve's so in love with D.J. he didn't even notice this sandwich.

Three, two, one...

Hey! Is anybody using that sandwich?

Wow!

Yes, ma'am. Gibbler Style is offering half off if you book your baby shower within six months of your bridal shower.

It's our "Don't Do the Math" special.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I have surprises for you.

A surprising number of surprises.

Whoa!

OMG!

You guys were kissing.

We were not kissing.

Your mother had a piece of popcorn wedged behind her molar and I was trying to dislodge it with my tongue.

Just tell me the truth.

The truth is... your father's lung collapsed and I was trying to reinflate it.

We're not going to cute story our way out of this, are we?

Okay, your papa and I have been doing a little bit of... canoodling...

With a sprinkling of hanky spanky.

So you guys are really back together?

My birthday wish came true!

I'm gonna tweet all my friends about it. Fernimmy is back.

Fernimmy?

Fernando plus Kimmy equals Fernimmy.

Sounds better than Fergibbler.

Look at us. We even have a couple name.

We are just like Brangelina.

Only we are much better-looking.

Didn't you have a surprise for me?

Ah.

I have a very special day planned that could change all of our lives.

You are going on a, how do you say... [speaks in American accent] ...scavenger hunt?

Wow. That's exactly how you say it.

[speaks in his normal Spanish accent] In my head, it sounded like gibberish.

Here's your first clue.

"This magical journey begins in the room that housed the Katsopolis twins."

[gasps] It's beautiful!

Oh, Fernando!

You should have.

Come on, Max, you can do this.

See the tower?

Be the tower.

Tower, stay.

Good tower!

Wow, Max. You really put me in a tough spot here.

Jengaaa, Jackson. Jackson, Jengaaa.

Oh, no!

[shrieks] I did it! I b*at Jackson!

Alright! Way to go, Max.

And that's how you Jenga, punk.

I'm the greatest of all time!

Ali, bomaye.

Ali, bomaye.

[Max chuckles]

Ask me where I'm going.

Where are you going?

[shrieks] I'm going to Disneyland!

Last time I ever let him win.

I heard that.

You lost on purpose?

No, no, no, no, no, you b*at me fair and square.

I should've known when you knocked over the tower on your first move.

I'm sorry, Max. It was my idea.

You didn't think I could b*at him?

Well, you are on a seven-year losing streak.

Can I rephrase that?

No, I get it. I am a loser.

Max, where are you going?

Not to Disneyland.

[sighs] I'm going to Loserland.

Max? Where are you?

You guys are back early.

Well, it didn't go exactly as planned but it was still fun.

Yeah, Steve took me to the school gym to recarve our initials in the bleachers.

But apparently, security frowns on a grown man in a wig wandering the halls with a pocket Kn*fe.

After we got kicked out of our old high school, we went to our secret beach.

Which is now a nude beach for senior citizens.

That was the most disturbing volleyball game I've ever seen.

But it's all good because you know what we're gonna do?

We'll move the picnic to the backyard. I'll make my famous burgers.

Oh, those are great. I love those. Make mine medium rare.

I'm sorry, it's kind of a date.

Oh, but we'll save you one if there's extra.

There won't be.

Oh, okay, alright, fine. I gotta go find Max.

He's not lost.

We were just playing a little game called "Max, where the heck are you?"

Max, where the heck are you?

She's so good with the kids.

Right?

Oh, yeah!

"Your paws and claws are in for good news.

Go to where Ramona keeps her shoes."

[gasps] Mrs. Pham!

It's mani-pedi time!

"If your muscles are sore, open the other door."

Ah! Magic Fingers Boris!

Ta-da!

Mani-pedi, massage... You thought of everything.

I sure did.

"I know that you can find this taxing but grit your teeth, it's time for a waxing."

Doris!

Before you start ripping out hairs, I'd like to apologize for the names I'm about to call you.

[laughs nervously]

Max!

Are you in the dog house?

Max: No!

I mean, woof.

Hey! Come on out, buddy.

I'm even a bad hider.

That's how big of a loser I am.

You're not a loser.

You're just not a winner.

I'm really not good at this.

Why can't I ever b*at Jackson at anything?

Because you're the little brother and he's the big brother.

It's a classic Wahlberg scenario.

What's a Wahlberg?

Donnie Wahlberg was the star of New Kids on the Block.

He dominated his little brother Marky Mark.

Then one day, Marky Mark put on a pair of Calvin Klein underwear and next thing you know, bam, he's the Wahlberg superstar.

So what you're saying is I need some magic Wahlberg underwear?

Uh, no, no.

What I'm saying is that someday, you'll catch up to Jackson.

In the meantime, you have a little brother of your own.

So enjoy kicking Tommy's butt.

Got it. Good talk.

Much better than when you called me a loser.

More wine, D.J.?

That's good.

I'm just gonna top you up there.

Just a splash.

We're gonna get started on the burgers. First, a little fresh-ground pepper.

[D.J. whoops]

You've still got your Tom Cruise Cocktail moves.

Yeah.

I've still got my Swayze moves, too.

Our favorite movie was Ghost.

How could I forget that pottery scene?

That was our make-out movie.

You know, I rented that in 1991 and never returned it.

It's a good thing Blockbuster went out of business because my late fees would be like 200,000 dollars.

Now, sweetheart, you come over here and help me with these burgers.

Instead of making pottery, we're making patties.

Egg me.

[sighs happily] I love being here with you.

Ditto!

♪ Oh, my love ♪

♪ My darling ♪
♪ I've hungered for your garlic-salt ♪
♪ A long ♪
♪ Lonely time ♪

D.J., there were two Righteous Brothers.

♪ And time goes by ♪
♪ So slowly ♪

♪ And time can do so much ♪

both screech: ♪ Are you still mine? ♪
♪ I need ♪
♪ Some singing lessons ♪

We can do this. Ready?

both screech: ♪ I need... ♪

[both laugh]

Ugh.

I'm sorry.

This was way sexier last night when I was practicing with my dog.

This whole competition thing is throwing me off.

I think I'm trying too hard.

Yeah, well, you did show up in a wig.

I'm just trying to recapture the old magic.

We have great memories together.

But... let's make some new magic.

I like the sound of that.

Mom!

I know Aunt Stephanie's in charge, but...

Can I get something to eat?

She didn't feed you?

She gave me a talk. But no food.

Okay, you know what? Plan C.

I'll order some pizzas, we'll have a family picnic.

With my plan C, I'd like extra pepperoni.

And extra mushrooms?

And extra onions.

I like the way you order.

♪ I need ♪
♪ Some pizza ♪

98... 99...

100...

Whoa.

[mumbles] I'm all discombobulated.

No, I'm not.

What? No, no!

Get him, get him.

You can't take me.

Hit him, man.

Jackson: One, two, three...

Max and Mom win.

Nice going!

Yes!

You were really the captain of the wrestling team?

I didn't say we were any good.

Come on!

Nice!

D.J. Fuller, I'm calling you out.

Trust me, little girl. You do not want a piece of this.

Oh, no, we're doing this.

I'll spin. I used to love watching D.J. out-Twister you.

Honestly, she's that good.

Positions, ladies.

Right hand red.

Left foot blue.

Right foot green.

[D.J.'s pants tearing]

Steve: Okay.

Time out for a wardrobe malfunction.

Okay...

Wow, seeing butt...

♪ Oh, my love ♪

Alright...

Resume play.

You wanna give up?

You know how you hate stinky breath?

[breathes loudly] Well, I had extra onion and extra garlic on my onion garlic pizza.

[Stephanie gasps]

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Yes, I win again!

Oh, I lose again!

Don't worry, fellow middle kid.

Someday, we'll find Marky Mark's magic underwear.

As long as he's still in them.

Come on. Let's clean up.

"We end at the site of Ramona's epic party where your Latin lover will sing like Pavarotti."

Kimberlina, mi amor,

I'm going to sing a song called "Kimberlina, Mi Amor."

I wrote the lyrics and Stephanie wrote the music.

And you still owe me the twenty bucks.

[romantic music playing]

♪ Kimberlina, mi amor ♪
♪ You're the one that I adore ♪
♪Your perfect body is beyond compare ♪
♪ I'm in ecstasy when I stroke your hair ♪

[sobs]

♪ Kimberlina, Kimberlina, Kimberlina... ♪

I'm too emotional to finish the song.

Stephanie, you must finish the song for me.

No, I must not.

You must.

This is the most romantic day of my life.

Please, Stephanie. You sing so beautifully.

That's true.

[sings half-heartedly]

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

♪ And touch your sweet face... ♪

Stephanie, please!

You must perform my lyrics.

They express my deepest feelings.

Come on, Steph. Sell it.

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪
♪ And touch your sweet face ♪
♪ Makes me want to nibble you All over the place ♪

Keep nibbling. Nibble north.

Nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble.

Good!

Are you too choked up to do this?

Look at me. I'm a case of baskets.

♪ There is no greater joy Than holding you near ♪
♪ Gently blowing Mi Amor Into your perfect ear-shaped ear ♪

Whoo!

You're really good at this!

Keep singing, sugar.

♪ When I dream of you at night ♪

♪ My heart does flips ♪
♪ I must plant my kiss of fire On your red and plumpy lips ♪

No, no, I'm not... I'm not doing that.

No way you're stopping now.

That's enough.

I can take it from here.

♪ Kimberlina, Kimberlina, Kimberlina ♪
♪ Mi amor ♪

Kimberly Louise Gibbler...

Will you make me the happiest man on earth and divorce me?

Divorce?

You signed the papers?

You went through all this just to end our marriage?

Wow. This took a turn.

It's what you've been asking for for the last two years.

I know.

I made mistakes.

And I was not the man you deserve.

But now... our love can begin anew...

Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes.

[whistles]

[bird cawing]

[bird hooting]

Or a falcon, rising from Burt's Falcon Shop.

Thank you, Carlito.

Am I crazy or did a bird just fly in here with a ring?

Both.

Kimberlina... my life has been so empty since we got divorced twenty seconds ago.

Will you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?

I'm going to need some time to get over this divorce.

Okay, I'll marry you.

[shouts] Ramona! Boys! Come out!

Good news!

Your mother and I got divorced.

What?

But now we're getting married.

You guys are both nuts.

That's why you're perfect for each other. Congratulations!

[shouts] Mrs. Pham, Boris, Doris! She said yes!

Say what you will about our date but it wasn't this weird.

Okay, Tommy...

This is your first Jenga match.

So don't be nervous.

You b*at me, Tommy. Now, you'll have a sh*t at a happy childhood.

And with any luck, you won't end up in therapy like I will.

Awesome day today, Max. I'll see you later, okay?

When's our next play date?

I'll have my mommy call your mommy.

You know, this turned out to be such a great date, once we stopped being on a date.

I loved every minute.

You never know when the kids are going to pop up so I'm just gonna say goodbye with a sweet little kiss.

Team Steve is back in the running.

Yeah. I'd say he and Matt are neck and neck.

Who will get the final rose?

Find out next week, on the most dramatic episode of The Bachelorette yet.

You know we can hear you?

Oh, yeah, we know.