05x05 - The Dating Game

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Sam.

How's it going?

Fine. You?

All good.

Hey, what was that?

Sexual tension, my friend. Sexual tension.

Subtle flirting and double entendres.

None of those things just happened.

What show are you watching?

Hey, bro, you've got to get over this fixation.

Sam's an amazing manager, we need her.

Hey, Ben, don't forget to pay the beer distributor.

I'm on it.

Oh, my god. You could cut it with a Kn*fe.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Hey, Ben.

Just wondering if you wanted to grab some coffee?

Because I'm lame.

Heya, Ben, remember how after you helped the little guy here crawl out of my hoo-ha...

Don't try and be funny.

He's just a cute guy, just say hi.

Zoey?

Tucker. Hi.

You weren't supposed to hear that.

You're probably wondering why...

Why you're standing in front of our apartment talking to yourself?

I'm sensing you might have a little crush on somebody.

Oh, my god. I am so embarrassed.

Can we please just forget that this ever happened?

Yeah, we could, but... what if the feeling was mutual?

Oh, my god, really?

Oh! That's so great!

But what do I do now?

Because I don't want things to be awkward after everything Ben and I have been through.

Why don't you just let me talk to him first?

Okay.

Yeah. But just... try to be cool about it.

Please don't make a big deal.

Trust me, if there is one thing that I know how to do... it's be cool, girl.

Ben, you are not gonna believe what just happened!

Zoey totally hit on me.

My Zoey?

No, the Zoey formerly known as your Zoey.

Dude, she's into me now. But only if you're cool with it.

Yeah. I mean, I guess.

Thank you, man, you're the best.

Oh, I've got to go lay myself out some outfits.

Well, there's another girl I won't be getting.

You'll never leave me, right?

Emma?

Where...

Hey, seriously, I was talking to you. Where are you going?

Come on. There you are.

Oh, good morning, babe. What's going on?

(scoffs) One of the stupid partner's stupid sisters is getting a stupid divorce and they're making me handle the stupid case.

That sounds stupid.

It is. It is.

And, because it's my boss's sister, every little thing that I do is gonna get reported back to him.

Oh, and get this, Joan... her stupid name is Joan... wants to be my friend.

Like, hang out, have cocktails.

I honestly can't think of anything worse than spending my free time with a drunk, middle-aged, divorcee.

Hey, guys.

Your morning just got better.

I know exactly what you're gonna ask.

Why you're here?

Why you didn't knock?

Why you're using my purse?

All valid.

But the real question is, "When is Bonnie Wheeler gonna start dating again?"

Answer: now.

Uh, any chance you've run that question past Brad, your husband?

(scoffs)

I can't date him.

He's off climbing overseas when he should be climbing over these D's.

Give it. Give it.

I don't want to.

All right, but calm down. Okay?

You know, it's not like I'm gonna be sleeping with anyone.

I'm just feeling the need for a little male companionship.

And this is where you come in.

You are gonna be my wing girl.

Um, Mom... she, like you, already has a man: me, your son, who's sitting right here.

She's not gonna meet anyone.

It's just that women are more approachable in twos.

I'll peel off the hot one and Riley can have one of her boring conversations to distract his less-attractive friend.

Start with your job or your love of plaid or something.

I Don't...

So, what do you say to going out and having a few cocktails?

I say I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Not with me, with someone else.

Here you go, you stud.

How's the date going so far?

Great. Amazing. Perfect.

Dude, she is so into me, man.

I mean, she's already trying to make me jealous.

She keeps talking about you.

Classic chick.

I like you, Perrin.

You remind me of me when I was your age, but with cheaper shoes and less confidence.

I just can't believe you are pawning me off on some stranger like I'm a kid with an overbite and a helmet nobody wants to be buddies with.

No, no, not a stranger.

Bonnie is a close, dear person that I know.

And, I just, I think you two would have a lot in common.

Plus, this will give me more time to work on your divorce.

And I am all about work.

Feel free to mention that to your brother.

(cellphone rings)

Oh, speaking of my parents' failed attempt to save their marriage, that's him.

Joan: Hello, Michael.

No, no. The matchstick you forced on me is doing a fine job.

Actually, the matchstick looks like she's a matchmaker.

And she is about to set me up with a tall drink of blonde ale.

And Mama's thirsty.

Dude, why can't I just ask Sam out?

Don't say it's because I'm her boss.

Then I won't say it with my mouth. I'll just say it with my eyes.

(groans)

It's so unfair.

I've wanted to go out with Sam since I was 14 years old.

I just wish I knew how she felt.

Hey, I know. You could find out...

Not happening.

Please?

Forget it.

Don't make me...

You wouldn't.

I gave up Riley for you.

Oh-ho.

Fine.

Just see if she's into me.

But be subtle.

Though, not like that, 'cause that isn't subtle at all.

Hey, you.

What's new?

Just looking over these inventory reports.

I really need some one-on-one time to go over them with your brother.

Oh, yeah, my brother.

Pfft, great guy.

Love him. Speaking of having a drink...

We weren't talking about having a drink.

Well, we are now.

It's called guiding the conversation.

Would you ever consider going out with someone you work with?

It's kind of unprofessional, so... depends who's asking.

Look, we both know what's going on here.

The sexual tension, the subtle flirting, the double entrées.

I'm catching on.

One drink.

Just talk about old times and if you're not into it, no harm, no foul.

What about Riley?

Oh, that's ancient history.

So what do you say?

I say sure. Why not? To old times.

I'll look at my calendar and can you just let Ben know about all this?

Oh, I'll let Ben know about everything.

(both laughing)

So, they totally dropped the charges.

Canadians.

This day is looking up.

I started off with a matchstick and ended up with a bonfire.

You are funsie.

Oh, my god, you're strong.

So do you want another drink?

My sons own this place so everything's on the house, which is payback for the way they lived in my house.

You have kids?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm sensing a story.

Well, I was married, but you know how it goes when one of you turns out to be gay.

Oh, but do I.

Oh.

What are you smiling about?

Is there a slow gas leak in the office again?

I did it. You're having drinks with Sam.

The rest of it's up to you, bro.

What? I said feel her out, not ask her out.

I told you to be subtle, Danny.

Hey, Danny, I checked my calendar and I'm wide open.

Any night you want to go out for that drink is good with me.

May have been a little too subtle.

I can't believe that Sam thinks you asked her out for you.

Now I need to undo what you did and redo what you didn't do and do what I should have done in the first place. You understand?

Do you?

Hey, Sam, two seconds.

So, about that little conversation you just had with Danny, he was wrong to ask you out.

He's with Riley.

He is?

What a jerk.

Yeah, he sure can be.

I'm annoyed with him, too.

Did he at least tell you that I wanted to have some one-on-one time with you?

No, he did not.

Even more annoyed.

Well, I'm kinda swamped right now but maybe we can sit down over a drink after work?

Yeah, yeah, sounds great.

It's almost too easy.

Well, I'm guessing your mom and Joan hit it off last night because I haven't heard from either of them.

Win-win.

(cellphone rings)

Ugh, it's Joan. Lose-lose.

Joan, hi.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

So, how was your night with Bonnie?

Joan: Fantastic.

Best date I have been on in a long time.

I'm sorry. (giggles)

Did you say date?

Joan: Mm-hmm.

It was such a great change from my ex-wife.

She used to hate when I dated other women.

Your ex-wife.

Right.

I know all about her.

Hey, um, can I call you back? I have to go to a meeting.

(stammers) (girly voice) Excuse me, Miss Perrin, you're needed in the conference room.

I am so sorry. Great talk. All right, bye.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"Joan Carpenter vs Linda Moyer."

Oh, my god!

Wow, you probably should have noticed that.

Noticed that I love you.

"And when the prince gave the sleepy maiden a kiss, the fairy godmother whispered in his ear... "

She's a lesbian!

Actually, she's a frog.

And congratulations, now you've outed her to the entire kingdom.

No! Joan.

She thought that you two were on a date last night and she wants to go out with you again.

I know.

What? What? What do you mean you know?

Oh, sweetie, I know when a woman is hitting on me.

I had an after-school job at the hardware store.

And you didn't say anything?

Uh, to somebody who is telling me how beautiful I am and paying for my lobster?

No.

I mean, I figured there's nothing wrong with dipping my toe in the lady pond as long as I don't go swimming.

Well, what happens when Joan finds out that you're straight?

I'll tell you, I'll tell you what happens.

She tells her brother, my boss, that I obviously didn't read her file.

Oh, my god!

Okay. All right.

This is fine. Don't panic.

We can totally figure this out.

I just need to stay calm.

Hey, is Ben around?

No, Ben is not around!

Can you not see that we are in the middle of a crisis here?

Okay.

Deep breaths.

Just gonna take a quick pause.

Oh, my god. I know, I know. I know, I know, I know.

Okay, I need you to go out with her again and tell her that is all just too soon and let her down easy. Please? That would be perfect.

Please?

Okay, I'll do it.

But under one condition.

What?

I don't know.

But I will think of something horrible for you later.

Wait, did I hear Zoey?

Zoey!

Hey, I sort of got the impression that this is a bad time.

I'll just see you later.

Hey, girl. No, no, no. It's never a bad time.

What's wrong?

(sighs)

To be honest, I'm starting to get frustrated.

We haven't had any time to connect.

We haven't even been alone together.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could definitely make that happen.

Yeah.

Well, what about tonight?

Dinner for two?

Uh, that would be amazing.

What time does Ben get home from work?

Damn, I'm not sure.

Um, how about eight o'clock? We should be safe.

Oh, wait, I don't have a babysitter.

What if I came to your place?

(elevator dings)

Really?

Thank you. You are just the sweetest.

Muah!

Oh, my god. A real date.

Is it wrong that I'm this excited?

No, not at all. I am too.

You just can't tell, it's a thick robe.

Ask me how my first date with Sam was last night.

Go ahead, ask me.

How was...

Amazing! (laughs)

Perfect. Best first date ever.

You know, once I finally got her to shut up about work.

We had a drink, which turned into dinner which turned into a walk in the park.

I was a total gentleman.

The boob graze appeared accidental.

Morning, boys.

Good morning, Sam.

I should get used to saying that.

Okay, so, back to work for me.

So... sounds like you and Ben had a nice date last night.

Date? That was not a date.

Are you sure?

Yeah, we went over the inventory, then grabbed a hot dog and a soda while he walked me to the subway.

So, totally not a date.

And it sounds like you're being jealous, which is odd since you have a girlfriend.

Yeah. Sorry, a little miscommunication.

Apparently.

But, you know, I have always liked you, Danny.

So if you ever do break up with her, just give me a sign.

Wait. Wait, wait. Are you saying that you want me to let you know when I'm single because you want to go out with me?

Yeah, is there a gas leak in here or something?

Okay, can you just excuse me for a quick second?

Ben!

Hey, little bro.

You got a quick two seconds to hear a really funny story?

It's about Sam. She, uh...

It really is funny.

She didn't think your date was a date, and she kind of hinted pretty heavily that if I was free, she would want to date me.

How big is your ego?

Can't you believe for one second that given a choice, someone might actually like me better?

Yeah, I guess that'd be possible.

Possible?

I'm sorry. I just didn't want your feelings to get hurt.

If you don't believe me, you can ask her.

Oh. Oh, I will. Hey, uh, Sam?

What do you say we finish what we started?

My place, eight o'clock.

Sure, that'd be great. I'll be there.

Looks like it's Ben: one, Danny: zero.

What about Riley?

What about Riley? She's not even playing.

♪ I eat pie alone at the sink ♪
♪ But I'm not a loser ♪
♪ 'Cause I have a professional hockey player boyfriend ♪

Hey, Riles.

I'll miss you.

What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be breaking up with Joan right now?

She'll be here in a minute.

Wait, wait, why is she coming here?

Well, I can't do it at my place.

Whenever I break up with someone, I like to have a really dramatic exit.

And goodbye!

(knocking on door)

Hey, Chiquita Bonita.

I brought the essentials: wine, cheese, and pajamas I'm not going to wear.

Ah! (forced giggle)

Oh, listen, um, Joanie, uh, we need to talk.

Oh, you remembered my favorite wine.

Well, that'll make things go down a lot easier.

Don't supposed you bought a bottle for you, huh?

Oh, my gosh, you're so pretty.

Oh, okay.

Hello.

Thank you so much for coming over.

Make yourself comfortable.

There's a bottle in the fridge, he'll probably sleep the whole time.

I just fed him.

Hold on, where are you going?

Dinner.

Oh, takeout.

Oh, perfect.

Yeah, I hope she gets Chinese.

Zoey: Hello?

Out here, on the fire escape.

(cars honking)

I thought maybe we could start off with a little...

Zoey, hi.

This is so lovely.

Oh, I usually don't, but since tonight's a special occasion...

Um, isn't Tucker a part of that special occasion?

Yeah, he's upstairs watching Hunter.

He wanted to make sure you and I finally had some alone time together.

I think you lost me somewhere, can you start again?

Oh, Sam?

Danny, what's going on?

Oh, uh, just a lovely romantic dinner.

For me?

Yeah, it was all Ben's idea.

Wow, thank you, Ben.

Well, you can thank him in person, I'll go get him.

I don't really need Ben, but I guess this is the sign.

(chuckles) It's funny, I feel like I've been dating Tucker the last few days.

That is funny.

So funny. Hey, can you excuse me for just two seconds?

I got to make a quick phone call.

Sam!

Ben! Oh!

Thank you so much for putting all this together, you are beyond sweet.

That sounds like a hug moment.

If you could just excuse me for one second. I'm just...

Hey, Ben, can I borrow some condoms?

Zoey's baby reminded me that I do not want a baby.

Yeah, they're actually in my bedroom. If we could talk back there...

Tucker? Is something wrong with Hunter?

No. No, something is wrong with me. What are you doing down here?

Oh, good. There you are.

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I'm having dinner with Ben.

Not entirely true, I'm actually having dinner with Sam.

I thought this was for me and Danny.

Why would you think that?

Maybe 'cause you keep hitting on her!

So you don't want to go out with me?

And you don't want to go out with me?

Hold up.

Does anybody want to go out with me?

I just want to thank you for understanding that...

I'm just not ready yet.

I'm getting over a really bad breakup.

It's really a shame, Bonnie.

I've never met a woman who's so direct and honest.

That's me.

Honest as the day is long.

Ah, this day is long.

Oh, my god!

Riley! Wait, what is she doing in your closet?

Well, uh, obviously spying on me.

I told you, we're through!

Riley is your ex?

Joan, I, uh... I can explain.

Riley: Oh, Joan, wait!

Bonnie: Joan, wait!

Sam: You told me you'd broken up with Riley.

Uh, quick detour. Go, go!

Okay.

I can't believe you stole my date.

Get in line, Danny stole mine first.

Excuse me, who's date did Danny steal?

I'm not dating anyone.

Yeah, not anymore you're not.

He asked me out.

For Ben, I did it for Ben.

You know what, I always knew that you liked him and you just couldn't wait to swoop in, could ya?

Well, I'm sorry. I always thought you were a lesbian anyway.

I am not a lesbian.

You play field hockey.

I can't be the only one, right?

(guys chattering)

Super sorry to interrupt, but what the hell did you think was going on?

Tucker said you hit on him.

She did. She was lurking around our door looking for something.

I mean, what else is a young, confident man to assume?

Ben! I was talking about Ben.

I thought we had a connection.

We did! But I thought you just wanted to be friends.

So you thought you'd go after me instead?

If you wanted to go out with me, why didn't you just ask me?

Will you go out with me?

No!

I'm not dating you, you, or you!

Hey, I didn't even ask.

She's right I was about to, though.

Zoey, I am so sorry about all this.

But it turns out I am free for dinner now.

And you'll likely stay that way for a very long time.

Hey, babe.

What about us? We still on for dinner?

She's probably just getting her jacket.

You guys want a beer?

Dude, isn't it obvious?

Eat your food and watch the hot girls on the Spanish channel.

Oh.

(music on TV)

Shove over, losers.

I just lost the hottest thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, you miss Brad, don't you?

Oh, god, no.

I miss Joan.

Your father might have the right idea.

Ooh, look. Hot Spanish chicks.