01x17 - Ken at the Concert

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Dave got invited to a birthday party.

Legit or entire class?

Does it matter?

No, it does not. Hmm.

Let's savor the victory.

Okay, I need to be picked up at 3:00 sharp today.

And bring a snack, 'cause you'll be driving me to yoga and waiting in the car, and I know you get grumpy when you don't eat, and that'll harsh my zen.

Thanks, Mom. Bye.

Yoga, huh?

Maybe I should try that. I've been so stressed out.

Okay, Molly! Have a great day!

What's that, sweet pea?

Okay! I'll have a great day, too.

[Chuckles]

Oh, a hug? You got it! Get over here!

Man, it's like she doesn't even acknowledge that I exist.

She used to be all about me.

Remember when she was a baby?

We used to hear her on the monitor saying, "Dada. Dada."

Yeah.

And then you would wake me up and make me go in?

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.

I guess I should have breastfed her.

I just miss how close we used to be.

It's just a phase. She's a teenager.

Her brain's telling her to only think about herself.

So, she gets to pretend I don't exist, and I just have to deal with it?

That doesn't sound very me.

Well, why don't you try and do more things with her?

It's hard.

When she was, like, 13, I used to take her shopping at Forever 21, but now she never wants to go with me.

I don't blame her.

Nobody wants to spend four hours watching you try on overalls.

Look, if it really bugs you, you could make more of an effort.

Or I could just double down on Dave.

Can boys wear wedges?

I thought it'd be cool if I showed up to the party taller.

Yeah, I'll figure something out with Molly.

Yo!

'Sup?

Holla.

What it do.

So, my friend Joanne is trying to unload some tickets to a boy-band concert tomorrow 'cause her daughter called her a bitch.

So, you guys heard of a group called Emblem3?

[Gasps] E3?!

Molly loves them!

I remember when they were first on "The X Factor."

It was like, [High-pitched] "Oh, my God! You got to get in here and see this now!"

[Normal voice] And Molly was like, "What is it, Dad?"

E3 is the best.

Wesley and Keaton and Drew are amazing.

And, fun fan fact, Drew's favorite color is glitter.

What?

I'm lonely. You know this.

Who wants the tickets?

Ooh! Ooh! Me! [Laughs]

Ha! Seniority! In your face!

[Laughs]

I'm gonna take Molly and her friends.

I've been looking to do more stuff with her, and this is stuff! [Laughs]

So, how much?

$50 each.

Damn, Gina!

[Laughs]

Kidding. It's fine. I'm a doctor.

Damona. I got you a chai latte.

Ah. This says, "Carlos."

Don't worry about it.

So, I know it's not going great for Carlos, but how are things with you and Pat?

[Sighs] I don't know.

At first, it was exciting, but now it feels like the wind has kind of d*ed and the anchor is dragging and I think I've been spending too much time on his damn boat.

[Sighs] I got to end this.

Okay. Here's what you do.

Give him a reason to break up with you.

Like fake your grandmother's death and then subtly hint that you are the police's number-one suspect.

Or... you could just rip the band-aid off and end it for good.

That's what Topher and I do every time we break up.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Okay.

Three reasons why my is better...

Joe, Nando, and Nando T.

They all believe I k*lled my grandmother, and they all dumped me because of it.

So... who is the relationship expert now?

Girls, boom.

Well, the race for Father of the Year is heating up, and I'm the early favorite to bring home a daddy.

[Chuckles]

You know, that's what they would call it if they had an award show.

Anyone mind if I take another run at this?

Thank you. Okay. Great.

Hey, Mol. Guess what?

Tomorrow afternoon, you're gonna see Emblem3!

What?! [Screams]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh!

That's right.

I'm taking you and your besties to see what Tiger b*at and I call "California's most kissable band."

Wait. You're taking me?

Yeah, totally.

It's gonna be stupid. [Chuckles]

Me, you, and our entire squad.

Our squad?

Mom, can't you take us?

I'm taking Dave to a birthday party.

Legit or entire class?

Does it matter? Let's just savor the victory.

Okay. I guess Dad'll take us.

Beggars can't be choosers.

No, they cannot.

Tammy. Guess what.

We're gonna go see Emblem3!

[Screams]

[Screams]

Dad, please!

I'm trying to have a conversation.

[Screams]

Keaton just Insta'd himself with his shirt off.

I am dead.

No way. Screen sh*t and text it to me.

Did you see his girlfriend?

Basic.

Lol!

He means L-O-L.

Um, so, have you seen Emblem's new video?

Yes. Oh, my God. It's so great.

Um, like 100 times.

Am I wrong or does Wesley have, like, a Gosling quality?

Dad, seriously stop.

Just put on Emblem3.

What?

Why would you want to listen to a band we're about to see?

It's gonna ruin the magic.

If you order steak for your entrée, would you also order steak for your appetizer?

I wouldn't know. I'm a pescatarian.

Oh, so fish are just garbage animals you can slaughter at will?

Come on, Tammy. Let's be honest with ourselves.

Okay, who's ready to cr*ck open those pressed juices I got at the juicery where all the cool, healthy teens hang out?

'Cause that place is my jam.

Ohmga!

He means O-M-G.

Oh, no! What happened?

Dave was chasing a butterfly at a birthday party, and he stepped on a rusty nail.

It wouldn't have gone through my shoe if you'd let me wear the wedges.

Ken's at a concert and the emergency room is always packed, so I brought him here.

Good thinking.

Around these parts, you will always be a V.I.P.

That's a very important Park.

Ken would have loved that, not because it's funny but because it's all about him.

Come on, sir. Let's get you cleaned up.

So, hey, does your dad ever talk about me at home?

Nope.

Okay.

Okay. Here's the deal.

I know Dave needs a tetanus booster, but he's deathly afraid of needles.

Oh, don't worry. I'm great with kids.

I was one.

[Laughs]

That's what I tell them. They love it.

Okay, just one more thing. Have you had your tetanus sh*t?

Yeah. Why?

He will bite if he feels cornered.

If you don't believe me, ask our neighbor's dog.

He knows.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna get us some snacks, so stay in your seats.

I don't want you getting into trouble.

I mean, of course, YOLO and everything, but stay aware of your surroundings because, again, YOLO.

I'll go with you.

Yeah, you will. My dawg. YOLO!

Dad, if your behavior doesn't change, you are no longer my father.

Wow. Cold as ice.

But hanging with our squad is my jam.

Stop saying everything is your jam.

Geez. Anything else?

Yeah.

Here's a list of other things you need to never do again.

"No using terms like 'YOLO.' no asking questions about boyfriends.

No interacting?"

Why don't I just go wait in the car?

Scroll down.

"Go wait in the car." Oh, okay.

I'll text you during the encore so you can put the seat warmers on.

Make sure you turn Tammy's on high.

Her butt runs cold.

First concert with your daughter?

How could you tell?

We overheard her giving you the list.

We've all gotten the list.

My daughter laminated mine.

My daughter made mine the wallpaper on my iPhone.

[Chuckles] Yeah. I don't know how to change it.

But you don't have to stand here and take it.

Where else am I gonna go?

A parents' lounge?!

Hells, yeah!

Who needs my self-absorbed she-devil of a daughter when I could be absorbing some of that sauvy-b?

[Chuckles] That's my jam!

"My jam." What a fresh expression.

[Knock on door]

Ah, Damona. My professional co-worker.

Hang on.

[Humming]

M'lady.

Pat, listen.

I've been having a lot of fun with you...

Okay. I think I know where you're headed with this.

Oh, that is such a relief.

We need to take a break...

Exactly. from this place, and maybe head up north to wine country for a romantic weekend...

A B&B, air or regular.

It's up to you.

[Sighs]

Pat [Sighs] here's the thing... my grandmother just d*ed, and I'm the police's number-one suspect.

Not a big deal.

I can provide you with an airtight alibi.

So...

Dave, I get being scared of sh*ts.

I know a lot about kids. I was one.

Okay.

Look, this will just feel like a minor bee sting.

Oh, I got stung once.

See? Not so bad, right?

I was allergic, and my throat closed up.

It was the most painful and terrifying experience of my young life.

Okay.

Ex-nay on the eesting-bay.

I speak pig Latin.

A meeting of the minds.

This'll be quick. I promise.

Fine.

Can I get a glass of water first?

Sure, kiddo.

[Door opens]

We are a go for the sh*t, thanks to Dr. Julie Dobbs, child whisperer.

[Door slams]

Dave?

What are you doing?

No one's jamming a needle in me!

See you on the flip side, fools!

He's not supposed to use that type of language.

[Laughter]

This isn't Gouda. This is great-a.

[Laughter]

See? Isn't this so much more fun than being shunned by your daughter?

Ugh.

Oh, completely.

It's like one day she woke up in a bad mood and it never went away.

And that was three years ago.

[Laughter]

That's nothing.

Amy stopped calling me "Mom" and started calling me "Sheryl."

My name is Lynda.

Well, on the bright side, they'll be off to college soon, and we can turn their rooms into home gyms.

We're turning Kara's into an extra bedroom.

Because she wrecked our marriage.

All I know is it's gotten a lot easier with Amy since I've given up.

Okay, wait. You've given up?

Oh, God. Yeah. We all have.

More wine?

No, wait. It's just temporary, right?

Come on. They're teenagers.

[Laughter]

Okay, no. I know I'm hilarious, but I'm being serious.

She's going through a phase.

A phase? Adorable!

[Laughter]

Oh, face it, Ken.

In their eyes, we're just chauffeurs, maids, and ATMs.

Amen.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, you know what?

You guys may have given up, but that's not gonna be me.

Because I love my daughter, and I'm gonna go be with her.

And there is nothing that's gonna stand in the way of us always having a lifetime bond.

[Door closes]

Little Gouda for the road.

Dave, come out.

There's... pizza.

Dave: Please, Mother.

Pizza is the last thing you should lie about.

I have the nose of an Italian bloodhound.

He does.

Okay. I've got this.

I know kids. I was one.

[Laughs]

Sorry, it must have been the way he said it.

[Chuckling] He was a kid.

Dave, this is Clark.

I will pay you...

$51 to open this door.

Dave: No, thanks. Mo' money, mo' problems.

♪ Caught up in those pretty city lights ♪
♪ Wishing on a star for your direction ♪
♪ Thinking of a new and different life ♪
♪ 'Cause, babe, I know this world... ♪

Molly! Listen to me!

I definitely don't want to turn your room into a gym.

I don't even work out.

I'm naturally toned. It's crazy.

You're not making any sense.

You didn't eat any food from a stranger, did you?

Just some cheese.

What I'm trying to say is I'm not gonna...

♪ All I ask is you don't throw us away ♪
♪ Throw us away ♪

That's it, Molly!

Don't throw us away!

♪ Look at the sky when you're alone every night ♪
♪ I'll leave my light so you can see your way home ♪

Dad!

I am trying to watch a concert with my friends!

Just leave me alone!

♪ Wishing on a star for your direction ♪
♪ Thinking of a new and different life ♪
♪ 'Cause, babe, I know this world... ♪

Dave still in there? Where's his mama?

She went to get Juan-Julio.

He has the master key.

So you can't hide in there much longer!

I wish I had a hiding place of my own.

Still avoiding Pat?

No.

I tried to break up with him, but before I could get it out, he asked me away for the weekend.

I don't know what's more annoying... that he can't take a hint or that he thinks that I'd like a bed and breakfast.

I don't want some creepy-ass old people watching me sign a guest book.

Okay. Have no fear. Juan-Julio is aquí.

Dave, honey.

I know you're scared, but everything's gonna be okay.

Breach the door. We go in hard and fast.

I'll take him down. You give him the sh*t.

There's gonna be tears, but nobody goes soft.

So, this red key goes to Mr. Pat's office, 'cause it's the color of El Diablo.

And this green key goes to Mr. Dr. Ken's office, because he's jealous that Mr. Pat got the red key.

And this key goes to a locker at the airport that my cousin Ron-Julio gave to me before the men in suits took him sailing.

Which one opens the exam room?

Oh, this room? You don't need a key for that.

You just pull, twist, and push.

Oh, my God. He's in the vents.

We're gonna have to smoke him out.

You're Ken's kid, right?

Yeah. I'm Dave.

Your father's a nuisance.

Have a seat.

So... what are you doing in my office?

I'm hiding.

I stepped on a nail, and now those sadistic monsters are trying to give me a sh*t.

Yeah, well, sometimes a sh*t can be important.

When I got back from Bangkok, I got a sh*t that saved me from going blind.

But I'm afraid of sh*ts.

Please don't turn me in.

Sorry. No can do, kid.

Wait. What if we made a trade?

What could you possibly have that I would want?

Except for maybe that smart cardigan or... a kidney.

I think I have something.

All right.

You got my attention, Park.

Oh. But you lost it. Pigeon.

Okay. You got it back, but be quick.

That pigeon's up to something.

♪ In the stars, yeah ♪
♪ And they're never coming down ♪
♪ Oh, whoa, oh ♪
♪ No one can stop us now ♪

Where's your dad?

[Gasps]

Molly! I'm never gonna give up.

I'm not one of those quitter moms.

I'm your father, and no matter what, you may not always be my little girl, but you'll always be my daughter.

And I love you so much.

[All] Aww!

That's so sweet.

[Chuckles]

[Audience gasping]

[Laughs]

Damona, do you have a second?

Well, I'm waiting for the D.A. to call me about my grandmother, but I guess I have a minute.

[Sighs] Look.

I think you're terrific.

And I've really enjoyed all the time we've been spending together, you know, outside the office.

Oh, and that one time on Ken's desk.

But I don't think we should do this anymore.

Really?

Yeah.

Our fling has flung.

[Sighs]

I think we both know that on some level, and a trip to a B&B would just be a band-aid...

A very expensive band-aid, even if we'd split it, which I would have insisted on.

[Chuckles] I guess you're right.

[Sighs]

You're a really good guy, Pat.

It was fun while it lasted.

Well, we'll always have Ken's desk.

And Ken's chair.

[Chuckles] Right.

I forgot about that.

Thanks, pal.

You really helped me to save some face.

And you're gonna get me out of here without a sh*t, right?

No, I lied.

Yeah, you still got to take it.

Sometimes we all have to take our medicine, Dave, be it a booster sh*t to help ward off tetanus or a gallon of Kahlúa to help you get over a torrid yet emotionally unrequited romance.

The one thing I do know is I've got a giant bag of candy here that's sure to soften the blow.

Really? Thanks.

No, this is for me.

Oh, okay.

Damn it.

Yeah, I got all day.

So, how'd it go last night?

I was asleep when you got home.

No, you weren't.

You were hopped up on sleep meds.

Your feet were muddy, and you were buying a kayak online.

Huh.

I got to check that prescription.

So, how was it?

Not good.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, at one point, we did have a moment when I was onstage and Molly and I did the heart thing to each other.

Wait. You were onstage?

For a bit.

Until I got pancaked by a giant security guard.

Also tased me.

Anyway, on the ride home, the only thing she said to me was that I was embarrassing.

Embarrassing is not terrible.

It's not like she said she never wants to see you again.

Or she put post-its on your sweaters saying, "Don't wear me."

Oh, yeah. Those post-its were totally from Molly.

Hey, Dave. Spoke to Clark.

I heard you created quite a stir at the ha-mo yesterday.

H-M-O.

Yes. I don't know how you work with that Julie.

She sucks you in with the cartoony voice, but she is quick to the needle.

Mom, I'm taking the car to meet Tammy at Yogurtland then Drybar.

We're doing a fro-yo and blow.

Have a great day, Dad.

Cool. You, too, Mol.

[Door closes]

[Squeals]

Kiss on the cheek!

[Laughs]

That is my jam!

Daddy's gonna have a good day.

♪ Kiss on the cheek ♪