07x07 - Show Me a Hero

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital.

Glenn, think about all the times you've lied to us about being in famous bands.

(sighs)

I've been playing drums for Spyro Gyra since 1972!

You guys know I'm in Coldplay, right?

Did you know that I was in Arcade Fire?

Soundgarden! Cranberries.

Kings of Leon. The Runaways!

Sebadoh. Why won't you listen to me?

I'm in The Goo Goo Dolls!

(laughing) See?

Okay, but I'm telling you the truth this time!

7x07 - "Show Me a Hero"

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

I could really use a hand in here --

Sorry, buddy, it's hoagie time.

Oh, yeah, say no more!

Hey, just curious, why do you eat your hoagie from the top down?

Because, um, that is the only way to eat a hoagie.

(chuckles) Duh.

(both laugh)

Of course. I'm so stupid.

You know what I've been doing, I start at one end and I always just work my way across.

(chuckles)

I guess there's more than one way to eat a hoagie.

(imitates expl*si*n)

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

DJ Bonebrake: One, two, three, four.

♪ World's a mess ♪
♪ It's in my kiss ♪
♪ The world's a mess, It's in my kiss ♪

What's going on here? Hold it!

Stop! Hey, stop it!

Why is X playing in the nurse's station?

And, Glenn, why are you bothering X?

Sy, I'm in X! I'm in X!

Right. Like you were in Blues Traveler.

Exene Cervenka: Glenn is in X.

He's been second bass since 1982.

Yeah, we usually rehearse in his parents' garage, But they're having a big garage sale this weekend, so...

Yeah, I can't believe they're finally selling that garage.

All right, from the top.

One, two, three, four.

♪

Hi, I'm feeling overwhelmed about the infinite nature of the universe, and, well, I'm just looking for some guidance --

Shalom, Cat.

As-salamu alaykum.

Catholic hello.

I'm really not sure why I'm here.

I mean, I never went to church as a kid or anything, except of course on Halloween, but --

You know what, why don't you just come with me to my office, I'll make you some sanka, and we'll have a good old-fashioned bull sess.

♪

(plays note)

Hey, Glenn?

What?

On that part, could you please play, like, less?

Exene, let me ask you something.

Why do I have to be second bass?

Because you are the second bass, that's why.

Yeah, Glenn, you've been second bass for 33 years.

Yeah, well, maybe I've been unhappy for the last 33 years, John!

How come none of my songs ever make the album.

You know, my friends don't even believe me!

I mean, I'm starting to wonder, why am I even in this band?

Camaraderie?

Ah, Billy, cut the crap. Really?

Give me a break on that one.

I mean, when was the last time we all got together for a drink?

Last night we had drinks, right?

Shh.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

I had all day off. That was my day off.

We didn't ask you.

We didn't go.

I mean, we didn't go.

We didn't go.

No sh*t you didn't ask me.

Well, Cat, just call me President Barack Obama,

'cause I'm all ears.

Can we shape our own destiny?

I mean, does it even really matter how I eat my hoagie?

You know, you're asking the really tough questions, and that's a very Jewish thing to do.

What I want to know, though, is why didn't you come directly to me?

I mean, catholicism and Islam, I mean, those are, uh, not really set up for the kind of existential inquiry that you're obviously interested in.

You know, it's not that I am just interested in that, but --

Can I ask you a question? Do you like caramels?

Do you like caramels?

Because I'll tell you something --

You didn't hear this from me --

But when you're Jewish, okay, you get to eat caramels just like this all the time.

Here you go, Cat. Go ahead and take one.

That's it.

No, no, you gotta -- you've had caramels before.

You just, yeah, unwrap it.

This is not a religious...

Eat the g*dd*mn candy.

X really is rehearsing in the hospital!

It sounded like a preposterous notion, but there they are!

♪

Glenn, get away from X!

I'm in X! I'm part of the band!

No, no, get out of there!

All right, stop! (whistles)

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I want to do one of my songs.

I think we got to do our tour songs.

Please, come on. My coworkers are watching.

Oh...

Okay, thank you.

Three, four.

♪
♪ The sun goes down ♪
♪ But I'm still up ♪
♪ Drunk on your love ♪
♪ Refill my cup, yeah ♪
♪ The clock strikes 2:00 ♪
♪ And I'm feelin' free ♪
♪ Got wonder in mind ♪
♪ But it's you ♪
♪ It's you I see ♪
♪ It's a late-night daydream ♪
♪ Daydream ♪
♪ Strawberries, cold cream, yeah ♪
♪ Your love could knock me over ♪
♪ But I stay on the balance beam ♪
♪ It's a late-night ♪
♪ A late-night ♪
♪ Late-night daydream ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

Glenn, you are ruining X!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

I hate you!

Catholicism is about serving others, Cat.

It puts your own problems into perspective.

Did Jewy offer you caramels?

Yes. Yes, he did. How did you know?

Old dog, old tricks.

Here's an offer --

Imagine yourself leaving here today as a Catholic and the proud owner of a $50 Amazon gift card.

Well, look!

My friend beloved character actor Tom Arnold!

Hello, Father.

Hello, Cat.

How do you know my name?

I'll tell ya, the people you meet when you're a Catholic, hmm?

I don't know guys, the tempos was sluggish, okay?

The solos was sloppy.

We did our best, man.

Hey, guys, they've asked us to perform on The New d*ck Cavett Show.

Yeah!

Wow.

I want to do "Late Night Daydream."

No, no, wait.

Don't you think they want us to do one of our hits?

I don't give a rat's ass what they want.

This is what they need, John!

(pager beeps)

Ah, damn it. (sighs)

All right, I gotta take out this kid's spleen, maybe some other stuff.

All right, listen.

Get this Cavett stuff situated, all right?

Otherwise, I'm seriously gonna reconsider my role in this band.

Cat: Red velvet?

Lemon coconut?

Ooh, raspberry crumble.

This is hard.

Sometimes the best decision is the one someone makes for you.

Take that one.

Chocolate. (chuckles)

You know, freedom from choice really is comforting.

Islam is a comforting religion.

And I can throw in a three-day Hilton Head getaway if we close this today.

Scalpel. Press there.

All right, get -- throw the spleen out or whatever.

Hey. How can you be down, man?

You just stood near X!

I don't know, man.

I mean, sometimes I just feel like I don't belong to that band, you know?

(scoffs) Hey, listen.

You belong right here, saving this kid's life -- Maybe.

Because you're Glenn Ritchie, the biggest, baddest, hotshot Jew doctor at Childrens.

Yeah.

All right.

All right!

(laughs) Let's do this!

He's back!

First thing we do, all this ferkakta nonsense has gotta go!

Get it out!

The most Catholic of all actors, Tom Arnold!

I'm a real person.

Do you want to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Now let's just put the Qur'an away for a second,

'cause I've got a sweet, sweet caramel.

Huh, huh? Do you want it?

♪

You have pain.

Sit.

I just feel so lost in this world.

No answer can take away your pain.

Your pain is the answer.

(gasps) I finally get it.

I'm a Buddhist.

Guys, we need to talk.

Glenn, we need to talk.

You go first.

Okay, uh, we're kicking you out of the band.

Wow, I should have went first.

We had a good run.

And we realized that the main reason you're in the band is so that we can practice in your parents' garage.

Also, we bought the garage.

Look, X will always be a part of me, but...

I'm a -- I'm a doctor.

First and foremost, that's who I am.

But I'll miss you guys.

Billy Zoom, John Doe, DJ Bonebrake, and Exene Cervenka.

Who met John Doe at a poetry workshop in Venice, California.

Come on, bring it in.

(chuckles)

33 years, for crying out loud.

Yeah.

Hey, one thing, one thing -- I would love to keep the rights to the songs I wrote.

Yeah Oh, yeah, sure.

No, but I don't want to fight, I don't want to fight about it.

Don't make me beg! I just want my songs.

No, no, we don't want them.

You know you really changed my life today.

May you realize Buddhahood in this life.

(sighs)

Oh.

I guess I won't be needing this anymore.

Yeah! Put me on the board!

Put me on the g*dd*mn board! I'm back, baby!

What?

You got her to sign?

On the line that is dotted!

Well, I got her to sign, too.

So did I.

Me, too.

What?

Mittleman!

Mittleman!

Yes?

Cat Black? We can't sell this crap.

We need the good leads.

Oh, the leads are the leads.

"The leads are the leads." What kind of --

He comes in here, talks to us like we're some sort of-- sort of--

Exactly.

Sy, you, what is it exactly that you do here?

I'm trying to run a chapel!

Who told you you could work with men?

Oh, I work with men and women.

I'm gonna have your job, shithead.

♪

Hey, you going religious on us, Cat?

I don't know. Maybe. Probably not.

Anyway, that's my story.

Hey, I heard you were in the band X?

Oh.

You know, that is the first time that anyone has ever said to me,

"Hey, I heard you were in the band X." Thanks, Cat.

Cavett: I'm happy to say that we have with us right now a real musical legend. Let's have a big "Cavett show" welcome for X!

Oh! (laughs)

♪
♪ No one is united ♪
♪ And all things are untied ♪
♪ Perhaps we're boiling over inside ♪
♪ They've been telling lies ♪
♪ Who's been telling lies? ♪
♪ There are no angels ♪
♪ There are devils in many ways ♪
♪ Take it like a man ♪
♪ The world's a mess ♪
♪ It's in my kiss ♪