♪ ♪
(whistles)
Think that's healthy?
It is healthy.
It's not healthy.
Brown rice, carrots, soy sauce, and broccoli.
What's in the sauce?
Liquid sugar.
Okay... Your diet...
Yeah. Sugar's a k*ller.
Okay.
It's a silent k*ller...
Oh... I don't know what I'm gonna do.
It's fine man, it's not...
It's not fine, dude.
That big of a problem.
It's a huge problem!
Okay, walk me through what happens.
Okay.
I have a huge crush on Sharon.
Yes, we all know this. Uh-huh.
You know Sharon?
But every time I talk to her, I get super nervous around her, and, lo and behold, out of my control, by some act of a sick, twisted God, I get a nervous boner.
You get a nervous boner?
Just comes out of nowhere, and it's embarrassing.
And this only happens with Sharon?
Yes!
It's because I like her so much.
She's the only girl who's nice to me, and I can't talk to her.
I have to run away in the middle of all of our conversations, man.
Um, have you thought about just covering up your bottom half or something when you're around her?
What do you mean, covering up?
Well...
Like, with books?
No.
Here, um...
Let me just look around here, uh...
Okay.
Let me just grab some of this stuff and...
What are you doing?
Easy. Whoa. Hey.
Hold on. Here, turn around.
Get off me.
And this should hold.
Um...
Look. What about that?
This looks dumb.
I think there's something there.
(theme music playing)
(school bell rings)
That's not my baby.
It's not even her baby, right?
It's my step-dad's baby.
Oh, that doesn't count.
It doesn't count at all.
And that thing is, like, so disgusting.
I hate babies too.
I just... I can't.
Like, whenever I see 'em, it's like, so gross.
Hey, Sharon, how's it going, man?
Hey, Phil, yeah.
Yeah. It's nice to see you.
What's up, Phil?
Good to hang out and chat and stuff.
So, it's nice to...
What... Oh my God, what are those?
Eww, what are those? Are you wearing garbage?
Uh, it's dumb. I don't...
Those are... kind of amazing.
Oh my God, they are kind of amazing.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just something I whipped up.
You know, just kind of...
Wait, you made those?
Yeah. Of course I did.
So cool.
That's rad.
You like them, too.
Those are rad, yeah.
Really cool.
Thanks guys, this feels really good to have people looking at me.
It's like a collage on your body.
Wow, I didn't even know this about you, Phil.
You're like, a real artist.
You know, a lot of people don't look at it as an art.
It's bullshit, because...
Can I get a pair?
Could you make me a pair?
A pair...
Oh, 'cause it's two things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, I could give you a pair.
Really?!
Yeah, of course I can.
'Cause I made them.
Sure.
Cool. I would love one, too.
So, you want a pair, too?
I would love one.
It's sort of a Sharon thing, but maybe...
I'll take a pair!
Okay, so...
I'll take a pair!
You want one...
Can I have a pair of the pants?!
Okay, so lot of people.
I'll take one for my cousin.
Six, seven... I just need a pen.
I guess I should just give you my number, so you can let me know when the pants are ready so we can pick them up?
Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, of course.
Give me your number.
Yeah, so...
There you go.
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
(oohing and awing)
Oh, these, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, what is that?
I don't know. It's just a thing I figured I could do.
Whoa!
That's so cool.
Pretty rad.
Pretty cool. I won't lose it, ever.
He just like, stores it in there.
Guess what?
Two more back here, you guys.
I cannot wait to get my own pair.
Okay, great. Sick.
So sick.
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, you are a f*cking genius, Mike.
Oh my God, it worked?
These worked so good! It was incredible, man.
Yes! Oh, sick.
I mean, I guess I have always been good at making stuff.
You know?
You are good at making stuff.
And I need you to make 15 new pairs of pants tomorrow, okay?
Uh... Okay, I'm sorry. What are pants?
Pants. These. Hey. Those.
These are pants, Mike.
Come on, buddy, I need you to keep up here.
15 pairs of pants?
Listen, me and Sharon really hit it off, and I've been a f*cking loser my whole life, and these pants are my ticket into the cool zone...
Okay, all right.
All right, okay, okay!
I'll make your pants, all right?
But just this one time, all right?
Thank you so much.
15 pairs of pants by tomorrow.
All right.
And come to think of it, why don't you make one more extra pair.
Huh?
Oh, for me? No.
I... No thanks. I don't need one.
What?
No, no, no, no.
They're not for you.
They're for Jared.
He wants a tapered cut.
Okay, um, okay, so that's an order of 16?
16.
Okay. I'm sorry, what is tapered?
That's like, wider at the bottom?
That's a boot cut, Mike.
Tapered goes in. Come on! Keep up!
(rock music playing)
(men cheering)
(grunts, cheers)
(inhales, gasps)
(groans)
(laughs)
Hmm?
(growls)
(snaps fingers)
(grunting)
♪ ♪
This is my favorite part.
Right when the light starts hitting.
I know.
Oh, God, it's really good.
Mmm...
This moment is all there is, and then you see the light.
Yeah...
Sorry, I don't want to interrupt, but I'm just really high.
I don't know what I'm doing right now.
Whoo! Haha.
Haha. Oh, light.
Sorry about that. Keep going. Sorry.
You know, the more that you surrender to the light, the light will accept you, the light will transform you.
(chuckling) Everything's just so funny.
I just feel so giggly.
Yeah.
You feel that?
It's working, I feel it. I'm... Hahaha!
(laughing)
Patrick, it's okay if you're not high.
Pfft.
You don't have to pretend.
I am high. Look at my eyes.
I'm riding in the canoe of highness down the river of dr*gs.
Population me.
All right, I'm not.
I'm not high. I just...
I wanna be cool like you guys.
I mean, you're Dave and Kashmere, and it was a big deal you invited me here tonight.
And I don't wanna, you know, be left out.
That's sweet.
It starts with honesty, man.
See, just now when you were doing that, I really felt like you were going somewhere.
Right? So, I think you just need to speak more from your own... hearth, you know?
My hearth?
Yeah.
You don't know where your hearth is?
Turn on your hearth light.
I have a hearth.
Patrick, just stand right here.
Okay.
Just... open your wings, take a deep breath, and let the light teach you.
(sighs) Okay, Patrick, you can do this.
Just listen to him. Just relax.
Relax. Relax.
That's a weird word.
Re-lax.
Like I've laxed before.
(gasps)
(screaming)
(giggling)
What the f*ck is happening?!
Patrick, calm down.
Don't resist this.
Dave! Kashmere!
It's okay.
Let it happen.
(babbling) Little people?
You're moth people!
Ah-ha-ha!
(grunting, shrieking)
(panting) What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful...
I did it!
(laughing)
♪ ♪
(murmuring)
I think now it hit him.
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you think the study of the apocalypse is what's causing the apocalypse?
Or is it...
Hmm. (vomits)
That was involuntary.
♪ ♪
(electronic music playing)
(camera shutters clicking)
Excuse me, coming through. Watch it.
And you know, when I was making that second pair, I came to a conundrum where it was like, a little bit thinner than the first pair, so I was like, okay, what do I do here?
You know? It's...
Sure, I'm using garbage, (yawning) that I find...
Are you okay?
Yeah. Sorry.
Did you miss what I said at the front of it?
I feel like I'm losing you.
Did I show you the pockets thing?
Remember that?
Oh, my God!
Did you see "Rat Bachelor" last night?
Uh, of course, I did.
It was the best episode!
I actually wasn't...
I did not see that coming!
I actually didn't see the episode, so it's fine if we just don't...
The guy doesn't have an arm!
No!
Okay, this...
This is not good. (chuckles)
Phil, what's up, man?
Oh, hey, dude, check this out.
Yeah.
I was actually thinking about how you were saying I was always good at making stuff, Right.
So, what I did is, this is actually a renewable energy conduit.
Uh-huh. Okay.
And what it does is it actually takes...
Yeah, Mike, I need you to forget about that.
I need something new, dude.
I need something bigger, because right now pants are just not doing it anymore.
Okay. Bigger, like, what?
You can't put pants over your entire body.
That's it, dude! A whole suit of pants!
Pantsuit by Phil.
I mean, by Mike.
It's made by Mike. By Phil?
No, no. It's made by Mike... (whispers) by Phil.
What was that last thing? I didn't say anything.
You're the... the dude, the genius.
You're a genius, Mike.
Okay.
And I've never been cool and smart.
Okay.
My whole life, I'm a f*cking loser.
All right, I got it.
Okay, I'll make it. Okay, I'll make the pantsuit.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
This is the last time, though, dude. All right?
Dude, I honestly...
I owe you my life.
All right.
It's fine, thank you.
(sighs)
What are you doing?
Get... Get to it! Make it!
Well, I have to clean all this up.
You should probably start working on the pantsuit first.
Don't worry about this stuff.
Don't... Come on.
What? It's broken already, it's junk.
It means nothing now.
♪ ♪
(crowd murmuring)
♪ I was born already nailed to the cross ♪
Hey, Sharon.
Whoa.
Phil...
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah. Cool... outfit.
Oh my God, that is a great outfit.
Yeah, you look amazing.
Outfit. I like that.
Out and fitted.
Yeah, thanks.
It's a fun word, right?
Outfit.
It just makes sense.
You're so smart.
That's one hell of an outfit.
Hi, Max Fontaine, school newspaper.
Oh, an interview.
You're getting famous.
This is happening so fast.
What do you want to know, dude?
I wanna know about you. I wanna know what makes you tick?
What inspired this new fashion line that everybody on campus is talking about these days?
Oh, pshh, uh...
God, life, you know, my girlfriend Sharon.
Got it. Great.
What'd you say?
Eww.
I said Go... I didn't say anything.
What are you "ewwing" about?
You said, "my girlfriend Sharon."
Eww.
No, I didn't say that.
I wouldn't... I didn't say anything.
I got the quote here. "God, life, my girlfriend Sharon."
No, I didn't say that.
That's slander or it's libel.
I hope you did, 'cause it's a good...
No, you said I'm your...
It's a good pull quote.
Me, Sharon, I am your girlfriend.
I did not say those words.
"Uh, God, life, you know, my girlfriend, Sharon."
Now, that's not me.
That's not... That wasn't me on the tape.
I think I got enough.
♪ ♪
(excited chattering)
Oww!
All right, so, you're the...
You're the guy that invented pants.
Yup.
The one and only. Phil's pants.
Phil's rat pants.
Yeah, that's right.
First pants and then outfits, and, uh...
Mm-hmm.
Seems like you're trying to cover up something.
Seems like you're hiding something.
What are you talking about, Marc? I'm not...
I'm not hiding anything.
You see, listen to your tone.
You're defensive.
No, it's...
This is where my voice always is!
I hit a nerve, I'm right!
I'm always... Listen, I'm... Where is this coming from?
You're wearing your own cage.
Oh, f*ck you, Marc Maron, you prick!
All right, okay, real nice.
You know what?
What?
I don't need it. Thank you. That's all my time.
Uh, wait. That's...
Thanks.
Uh, you...
No, I'm good.
Don't you wish you could leave quicker?
You could if you didn't have pants on, freak.
(elevator dings)
(with British accent) Sharon, love, how you doing, babe?
Come here, get over here. Muah!
Hey.
It's so nice to see you.
Yeah, you too.
Thanks for swinging by the pad, baby, yeah.
Wow, this is insane.
It's pretty nuts, right?
Oh, my God.
It's pretty nuts.
Over here I have a baby piano that I had flown in.
Whoa.
Cost a lot of money. Mostly on the shipping though.
I bet.
You know, that can be a lot.
I guess, yeah.
This I just recently got commissioned.
Wow.
It's a four-panel piece, all of them of me, and it's like the artist tried to f*ck me on his rates.
He said it was going a bit over time, I said, Oh, my God.
I said, "Listen to me, you f*ck, "I asked you to do one f*cking thing, right?"
Yeah.
This m*therf*cker came up to me, I said, "You don't know what you're doing."
I said to him, "I don't know...
I'm sorry, I just can't...
Why are you using a fake accent?
It's not fake, love.
It's just who I am now.
People change, you know? Get with the times.
This is me now.
Your voice just changed naturally?
Yeah, voice changes a lot in a boy's life, it happens.
You know?
Right.
This is just all so amazing, Phil.
It's pretty cool.
I mean... you built a pants empire.
And you did it by yourself.
Well, that's... That's completely true.
I did do it by myself.
I'm proud of you. I really am.
(normal voice) Thank... Thanks, Sharon.
I mean, if I'm being honest, I did it all... I did it all for you.
(laughing)
So dumb.
Uh... (British accent) Would you like some hibiscus tea, love?
I had it shipped over here from the Isle of Queens, from the motherland.
Whoa.
It's actually pretty expensive stuff.
Yeah.
So, I'll just pour us two glasses, Sure. and then we can just sit down and relax and chat it up for a bit.
Would you like me to light you a f*g...
(expl*si*n)
What was that?
Oh, just ignore that.
What is that?
It's nothing much.
That's probably... Uh... You know what that is?
What? Oh.
That's the washer, dryer.
It's so loud.
I just put in a load.
Yeah, it's super loud 'cause I got a lot of clothes.
You stay here, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail, love.
(à la Schwarzenegger) I'll be back.
Like, that was a thing. Okay.
Sharon: Yeah, I still can't understand...
f*ck you, Mr. Phil!
What the hell's going on down here, Mike?!
Why is sector 10 at a complete standstill!?
I'm not sure, Phil, but I think a child fell in the machine.
(child coughs)
Well, then get him out of the machine, Mike.
We've got a big fashion show tomorrow, and I can't have you cutting corners!
Dude, you're running a sweatshop.
Look around. This is horrible.
(distant crying) Mike, this is not a sweatshop.
This is a sweet-shop.
Look, everybody's having fun.
Look at this little happy camper.
Hey, buddy.
My fingers hurt.
Oh, do your fingers hurt, little guy?
Well, now your back's gonna hurt 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty.
Boom! "Happy Gilmore."
"Happy Gilmore."
Haha! Nailed it!
I love that movie.
Back to work!
Uh, what is this place?
Oh, Sharon, what are you doing here?
(British accent) Or, uh, Sharon, love, how you doing, babe?
Just my basement.
Oh, hey, Sharon.
Yeah, sorry, Phil, one sec. Hey, Sharon!
How's it going?
Good.
Welcome to hell.
Mike, chill.
I'm in the middle of it.
Phil's clothing brand runs on child laborers and my ideas.
What?
Come on, man.
Yeah.
Your ideas?
But Phil's the one who makes the clothes, right?
Sharon, that's good stuff.
Actually, Sharon, Sharon, that's funny stuff. we should just go chat upstairs.
That's hilarious.
You didn't tell me how funny Sharon is!
We should...
Sharon, Phil wouldn't know the first thing about designing clothes, okay?
I've been doing it this whole time.
You know what? I've had enough of this bullshit.
Phil, you're on your own, dude.
I'm out of here.
Just...
You can't just quit.
Uh, okay, he's quitting. He's walking out. Okay, peace.
Is that true?
What he said, Phil?
What Mike said?
Yeah.
Uh...
For the most part, yeah, I think he was pretty on point with what exactly has conspired.
That's really f*cked up.
Wait, Sharon...
No, it's cool. I gotta go.
Sharon, come...
Fine. Fine! I don't need you, Sharon!
And I don't need you, Mike!
I'm gonna make the clothes on my own, okay?
(British accent) Sweetheart!
You'll f*cking... You'll all see!
You'll all f*cking see!
Child: It's dark in here.
Oh, stop making that face.
Stop it.
You have got to... I can't even make a face and I'm in trouble.
Stop it.
You know, when I was with the school of bass, and I hate to bring this up, Oh, God.
Here we go.
Oh, God... When I swam with the school of bass, nobody judged each other.
Oh, please.
There was none of this passive-aggressive bullshit.
You were a bunch of loser misfits.
Oh! Just say it, you regret marrying me!
I could have run off if I had wanted to.
Oh, to the Pacific. Tell me again how you could have gone off to the Pacific with Ellie.
I could have!
Oh, I want to see that so bad.
Ellie and I could have I would love... Have fun!
Gone off together Go off to the Pacific and have fun and had a fantastic life!
Blowing a clown fish on the barrier reef!
We could have had a great life together!
Well, guess what?! I don't know how to love you anymore!
You're f*cking dead to me!
Um... do you want us to leave?
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Honey, no, no.
Please, no, no. This is...
We can go.
Yeah, we can go.
No, no, no, no...
Oh, gosh, no.
We haven't even gotten our meals.
Stay, stay, you're our guests.
Please, please, you're our guests.
Oh. I feel terrible.
Yeah.
We were having a little fight, I'm sorry. Did you notice?
Well, we have our problems as a couple, too, you know, it...
Hahaha!
Please.
Scott and Jen, Yeah.
The perfect couple.
Right. Uh-huh.
Please, regale us with your marital woes.
♪ Nuh-na-na-nah ♪
We had a miscarriage... last week.
It was our 332nd try.
(clears throat) It's... It's my fault.
Doctors say that I have a low sperm count.
I grew up in a hot spring, so, the warm water just... cooked them from birth.
But we'll keep trying.
Yeah, keep trying.
I love Jen, and we want a family, Yeah.
And we'll keep trying.
That's a great attitude.
That, see that, Kevin?
That's... That's a partnership.
Wow.
I am...
I'm blown away. I'm blown away.
Well...
This is really...
Kevin never wanted kids.
Haha. He never wanted kids.
But we did it anyway.
Because a borderline personality always has to have a villain, and she's making me the villain right now!
Jesus Christ, here we go.
Ask her about what a great mom she's been.
From what I can tell, you're both good parents.
(laughing)
You know what?
With all due respect, Wow. you don't have a f*cking clue.
What? Yeah.
I appreciate it, but keep it to your f*cking self.
You guys...
You f*cking guys, you come in here hoity-toity.
"Oh, we're trying to have a baby."
You know what, f*ck you guys.
You know what, f*ck your baby!
We're just fish.
f*ck you, Leslie.
f*ck you!
f*ck me?
Well... Well, f*ck you!
I wasn't talking to you, Jen.
f*ck both of you.
f*ck all of you.
f*ck you.
Wait, guys...
Just 'cause we're not slobs like you guys does not mean you can talk to us like that.
Yeah, just because...
Excuse me?!
Just because we're not Kevin always looks his best. a bunch of f*cking low-class idiots.
Doesn't mean we deserve to be...
He may be an assh*le...
His best is not good enough. His best is sloppy.
Low-class idiots, Kevin!
Guess what? Wanna hear a news f*cking flash, lady?!
We're your f*cking future!
Welcome to reality, you sick f*ck!
This is so good, thank you.
No, it's not. It's dry.
It is a little bit dry, but I wasn't gonna...
No, it's...
It is dry, I'm sorry.
God, it's dry.
♪ ♪
Here we are.
The fall line.
Phil's fall line. I have been waiting.
This is a Phil.
Oh, I know.
Well, how would you?
This is something he showed me.
I can automatically recognize a Phil.
See, right there, sorry to interrupt, Yeah?
That's kind of showing your misinterpretation of his intention.
What do you mean?
Phil's spring line is practical.
But then his practicality is such an aesthetic.
Whereas you, when I look at you wearing Phil's clothes, Sure. it's as though I'm looking at a bricklayer dabbling in fashion.
Right, right, right.
I'll just spin it right around and say when I see you in Phil's clothes, I see someone who can't have kids...
Oh, it's starting.
Ooh!
Shh, shh.
Love you. Excited.
Love you, bitch.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The next generation of rat fashion is upon us.
The Phil fall line!
Great for barbecues, attending birthdays of sons and daughters, and falling asleep while watching TV.
I prefer to tuck it in, but you don't have to, frankly.
You don't have to.
And you can just spill on these, too.
It's spill-resistant, actually.
That's the fall line?
That's the fall line?
f*cking... Did you guys see the...
I call 'em "loafers."
I'm not getting much of a reaction.
Female: Boo.
(crowd booing)
f*ck you, Mr. Phil!
No! No!
What are you doing?
Phil who?
Phil who?
But you all loved me?
Remember me? The genius that you all loved?!
Get off the stage!
f*ck you, Phil!
No!
You made me like this!
Boo! Boo!
Sharon!
(sobbing)
All right, okay. Come on, man.
Let's get you out of here.
No! It's bad.
No, I know.
It's the worst thing that could have happened.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty bad.
Excuse me, sir?
Sir, right here. Hi.
Right here. Two of us.
What is that? What are you wearing?
Uh... Nothing?
(crowd gasps)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
(crowd cheering) Yeah!
You're a genius.
Sir, you are a genius.
(applause)
Oh, thank you.
Haha. Oh, wow. Oh.
You know what? I get this, actually.
This feels really nice.
It's good to be in the spotlight.
Mike! Mike! Mike!
Bravo!
Oh, thank you.
(sobbing)
I suppose I deserve this.
♪ ♪
Crazy times, huh?
Yeah. No, that was wild.
It was kind of a fun ride though, for a little bit.
Honestly, I had to do a lot of work at times, Yeah.
So that part wasn't fun, but like...
Yeah, yeah.
I talked to Marc Maron.
I know! Dude!
I know.
He was really mean to me.
I know!
I think that's, like, his thing.
It's like, his shtick, or whatever.
Right.
Anyway...
It's so nuts how it's like, you're hot, you're not.
My pantsuit was sick.
That was the peak of it, I think.
My pantsuit, just so it's clear Yeah.
Exactly, yeah.
That, you know.
Of course. Of course.
Just for the record books.
Oh my God, she's here.
Dude, I think enough time's gone by.
I think maybe it's worth going over and starting fresh.
Maybe I should just talk to her.
We went through so much together.
Just go over and talk to her.
Might as well just...
Yeah, I think that's a good move.
I'm going over.
All right, cool.
Good luck, dude.
What'd you say?
I said good luck.
Sorry.
Oh, thanks.
Did you see my tail piercing?
Yeah.
Did it hurt?
It hurt so bad.
Really?
I, like, bit my tongue.
Hey, Sharon.
Oh, hi, Phil.
Listen, about before, and about everything.
I just wanted to apologize.
That was really shitty of me to lie to you and be dishonest.
I just did it because I really do like you, and I think you're super cool, and no one else is nice to me, and I think it stems from...
I didn't have many friends when I was a kid...
Oh, my God, Phil's getting a boner!
What? Oh, my God!
That's a boner!
Oh, sh*t. It's not...
What the f*ck?!
No, no, no, no, Sharon.
Oh my God!
Sharon, relax, it's 'cause I like you so much.
Ugh!
I'm nervous. I'm just really nervous when I'm around you.
Someone call campus security!
No, no, you don't have to...
Campus security!
Guys, drop it!
Call campus security!
Sharon, I'm sorry!
Campus security.
We're fine.
What's the problem here?
This man has a boner!
And you need to remove it from the premises.
No...
Get rid of that boner.
Sir, it's called a nervous erection, actually.
You're getting Tasered.
Sir, you don't have to Tase me.
It's not gonna help.
The Taser's gotta warm up.
I don't feel safe.
Are you really gonna tase me right now?
Ooh, it's warming up.
Put it back!
I can't put it back, Dana, that's not how they work!
Oh, Taser's warmed up.
Here we go.
No, don't... No, no, no, no!
(electricity buzzes)
Oh, God!
Relax.
Sharon!
Aah!
One more time.
Argh, f*ck it!
Sorry... Sharon...
No! Oh, God!
♪ ♪
I think it started with, you know, I was one of 36, so it was...
Small family.
Yeah. But, you know, even with such a small family, they never looked at me, you know?
I was just sort of the runt of the litter.
Right.
So, no one really paid attention to you.
Yeah.
All right, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
We good?
Yeah, we're good, Marc.
I feel good.
Pow! I just sh*t my pants.
And if I wasn't wearing them, it'd be on the ground.
All right, I get it.
All right. I guess Phil's got a point.
01x05 - Rats.
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.