01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

So we all know Aliens crash landed here nearly 40 years ago.

Which is a long, long time.

OK. So here to tell us all about the important work of Border Control is Lewis, who works here as a border guard.

Don't you, Lewis?

Certainly do. Hello, 2G.

So who here thinks it's OK to take things that don't belong to them without asking?

Anyone? Hands up, come on?

Nobody. Well done.

Because it's breaking the law, isn't it?

Do you know what, though?

Some people do.

"People".

They know we're talking about Morks, right?

Aliens.

Yeah...

Let's go have a look at the border, come on.

Tannoy: All Aliens must return to Troy immediately...

( Beep )

( Shouting )

The wall was built in 1990 around the Alien zone and this is the checkpoint. Busy, busy, busy.

That there is where we ID them, and over there is where we tag and spray them.

These Aliens may look like us but there are some big differences.

Question.

Who here thinks it's OK to sell the hair off your body for people to smoke as a life-destroying drug?

Anybody?

It's not, is it?

And that's why we spray them, to make their hair unsmokeable.

Your mates, your brothers your sisters - they get hooked on that, they can wave bye-bye to full neurological function.

Five years down the line they're in a wheelchair, not a clue who you are. Not a clue!

All right, I can see some of them are getting a bit upset.

Some of them are fine. If they want to come over here to this side and work and behave, great.

But me and people like me are going to make sure they're tagged and sprayed, and by eight o'clock, every one of them is back the right side of that wall.

So you lot sleep easy, cos I'm not going to let anything bad happen.

That's a promise.

No to fur.

Cheer up, little one, you're on the good side. It's good here.

I'm here to protect you all.

( He bangs on door )

Too short. Come back when you've got something to sell.

It's full body. Both of us.

Look, look at it, it's premium.

It ain't been sprayed.

( Razors hum )

Take 'em off then.

And the rest.

( Gasp )

Don't. Too slow!

Fell for my trick, didn't you?

I made you look amateur besides me. Yeah, I am so slick.

No-one can compete with my slickness.

You know this is Fabian's fur house?

You're making a giant-sized mistake here.

Wrong!

I don't make mistakes. I make on-purposes. Now, come on.

You know once you go through that door, you've got a life expectancy of about 15 minutes?

Stick your door up your arse, yeah? Come here.

You tell Fabian that you got a visit from The Silence Crew.

Who?

The Silence Crew.

Because we're a crew. If you go against us, then you get silenced, yeah?

Sounds like silent screw.

Yep.

You shut up. I told you, we're not doing a name change.

Ready?

Yeah.

What? What?

Stupid bastard.

What's that? Eh?

Come here, put your hand on there.

Piss off. Why?

You'll find out when I show you, mate.

( Kn*fe swipes, blood spills )

Argh!

Silence!

Hurry up!

What, what?

Silence Crew!

Come on, go, go, go, go!

( Wheels screech )

Dad, where's the pasta?

Remember I said get pasta?

Do we need it?

For spag bol?

Yeah, otherwise it's just bol, isn't it?

All right, Hol?

All right, Ivan?

All right.

Ivan's doing the stair thing, yeah...

All right if we leave Ely here for a bit?

'Course it is.

Got some business meetings to attend to.

He'll be no trouble, though. He's had his tea.

No, he hasn't.

What, has he not?

Well, give him his tea then.

What's this?

Excuse me, hello?

Urgh.

What?

Oh, he's all right. He thinks they're e-cigarettes.

Here you are, have some of this, loosen up.

No, thanks. It does nothing to me. You know that.

Where are you going anyway? I've got things to do?

( She laughs )

Like what, hot date?

( She laughs )

No, I didn't think so.

We'll be back before 11, see you then.

Well, just be careful.

Yeah, I always am. See you later.

See ya.

( Laughter on tv )

Hello, Lilyhot.

How're things in Montpellier?

THICK FRENCH ACCENT: Things are very good. Very sunny today.

You?

Yeah, good.

It's my birthday tomorrow, as a matter of fact.

Oh, special day. Tomorrow you celebrate.

Having a quiet one, actually. Just family.

That is nice celebration.

Well, you haven't met my family.

I say family - it's more a collection of horrible people.

You have a luminous beauty to you, Lilyhot.

It brightens my world.

Would you mind... um... turning around and quite slowly taking your knickers off?

Happy birthday.

( Zip )

I memorised the date.

That's nice. Mm, what's that?

Dove for men.

Dove for men, nice. Yeah.

( He sniffs )

That's a lot of sniffing there, mate.

Sorry, sorry, It's an alien thing. We sniff! We consider it normal.

Right. Well, we consider it very unnerving.

Yeah. So are you going to have a mad one tonight?

Do you know what I wish? Imagine if you could come to Troy.

I know what you're thinking. "They'd never let me in."

No, that's not what I was thinking.

There's ways.

Secret tunnel.

You'd like it there.

It's honestly not as bad as they say.

You want to go home, do you?

Go on, on your way.

Do you want to lodge a complaint? Yeah, yeah?

What? Huh?

Go on, get on your way. What's wrong with you?

Tannoy: Curfew is in one hour.

Morks, always the same at curfew.

What were you doing on the human side today?

Work.

And what kind of work is that?

Both: Contract cleaning.

What?

Pull over to the left, turn off your engine and get out of the car.

Pull over to the left, turn off your engine and get out of the car.

Oi!

( Alarm beeps )

Get back!

Suits on!

What, are we going after them?

Yeah, do you need a minute to fit your panty liners?

Those f*cking Morks are loose on our side.

Get the money, get the fur!

Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.

( Siren )

First time, Garvey?

Yeah.

You'd never guess.

Kent, Butler, team up.

Truss, stick with Garvey.

Seriously, chief, anyone else but him.

Going to need the dog whistles.

The what?

Alien sound grenades, Garvey. Only Morks affected.

Dead end! Ditch it!

Go, go, go!

Entrance that way!

Entrance.

What you doing?

Sh, sh, sh. Shut your f*cking mouth, right?

ON RADIO: Anything, anyone? Garvey?

They're here.

Use the dog whistle. We're coming to you.

( High-pitched beep )

Argh!

( Beep continues )

( Beep stops )

Garvey, what are you doing?

Argh!

sh*t, Truss!

Sorry, sorry!

Moron.

Nice bit of kit, those sound grenades.

Not much use when the Morks know it's coming.

Do you reckon they've done much research into them affecting humans?

Just thinking.

No effect. It can't happen. Right.

So maybe, like, one in 100,000, something like that?

One in nothing. It's anatomically impossible.

Hey, Dad, look, look.

Come here, look at Lewis's face, when he realises. Look.

Laughing: Look!

"Sor-ry".

Could happen to anybody, that.

In all seriousness, though, I do feel safer knowing you're out there, and not in here... with access to the toaster.

( They laugh )

( He makes b*mb sound )

Hey, pay no attention to Holly. She's jealous.

OK, bucket, yeah?

It's because you're the favourite.

I know, you're not supposed to say that, but you are.

Right, but why?

Why do you think your mum would never let you play out, made sure you never got into any trouble, hm?

She said to me, "This one is special. So we keep him close."

Why do you think that was?

I'm asking you that question, aren't I? Why?

Because of how you came into our lives.

Couples have rough patches.

We had a fight.

I don't know about what.

She left.

She was gone for two weeks.

She came back, that's the point.

And nine months later... you came along.

f*ck.

f*ck. f*ck.

If you turn this the other way, they lose control of their sphincters.

Watch, watch.

( Device hums )

Oh...

Ah...

( They laugh )

You all right, mate? You OK?

Yes.

How's the "cleaning up after people" business going?

Not t-too bad.

What, you off?

( They laugh )

What you laughing at?

I've got to go and do something.

Oh.

FROM CUBICLE: Hello? Hello? Excuse me.

Could you wet this for me and give it back, please?

Thanks.

I meant to say with tap water!

Yeah, it is.

Is that Lewis? All right, Lewis, it's Dominic.

Yeah.

I've sh*t myself quite badly. You haven't got a plastic bag on you...

Thank you... have you?

No.

( Toilet flushes )

( Next cubicle door opens )

Are you going to leave?

I'm not very comfortable with you there.

Are you still there?

What do you think of that guy Truss?

(Jesus Christ!)

I know.

Oh, my God, he's such...

No, we're not friends.

Yet.

No, listen, no. You're a Mork, that's a fundamental fact you're not seeming to be grasping.

You're like a lost dog that won't take "piss off" for an answer.

So, final warning, keep your distance, know your place and stay the f*ck away from me.

sh*t!

( Phone rings )

Will you come round the pet shop?

What for?

I need to talk to you. Face-to-face.

What do you need to talk about?

Summat I can't talk to you about on the phone. Come round.

Ivan got mugged.

All right. What did the police say?

Did you tell the police, Ivan?

No, you didn't.

Look, Lewis, I don't want you to over-react. Do NOT over-react.

Ivan and me... have been selling some fur on the side.

Right, there's things I can't be hearing because of the nature of my job.

Well, the thing is...

...the muggers got away with three grand that we kind of owe the Morks for the fur that they supplied.

Course you do! Yeah.

Will you put the frighteners on them for us?

What?

They're on their way round!

When?

Now!

Now?!

It's all planned out. You just come in when you hear the code word.

Milk.

They'll see the uniform and...

How's that going to work?

I'll steer the conversation round to milk.

No, Ivan, it doesn't matter where you steer the conversation! It's not going to look real.

No, but I'll ask them if they want milk!

It doesn't matter, Border Control wouldn't do a raid with one bloke!

I told you he'd be like this!

Look it's a three-point plan. They see you, they leg it back to Troy, we never see them again.

Oh, come on, Lewis! I need your help.

It's what families are for.

OK.

Yeah?

Yes.

Ha-ha! Yes, Lewis!

You are right back in my good books. Right, come on.

Here you are.

You'll be fine.

Holly! This is a g*n!

( Mice squeak )

Hiya, Christophe. All right, Jerome?

Hiya! J-just go to the back.

Did you get over all right?

Hello.

I really appreciate you taking the time.

Aww, cute rabbit!

What's your name?

Oi!

Na... No, just asking.

Don't worry about her what her name is.

Oi, stand over here at the back, what's wrong with you?

What you need to be worry about, where's my?3,000?

I can give you a good price on that, if you want!

We're not here for rabbits!

I'd clean the cage.

Listen, we are NOT getting a rabbit!

Yeah, but I'd clean the...

We're not getting a rabbit, all right?!

All right.

Where's my money?

Funny story, Christophe...

Where. Is. My. Money?!

Milk!

Are we going to keep this nice and affable, yeah, Christophe?

Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!

Milk?

Right then...

Everyone down on the ground, this is a raid! Customs and Excise!

You're under arrest on suspicion of trafficking a controlled substance.

I can't believe you f*ckers set us up!

It's not a real raid.

Yes, it is! It is.

Since when did Border Control do raids with one guy?

Give me that!

Ahh-ahh-ahh...

Don't... you dare... point that g*n...

( g*n fires )

Guy had the safety off!

Hey, look, someone would have heard the sh*t.

Police are going to be on their way.

What shall we do?

Take her.

You what?

Are you just going to let them take me, are you?

f*cking coward, Ivan!

I'm coming back for the rabbit.

Get out!

Twat!

Listen, you want to see her alive again...

...bring me my money.

All right.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Good. Come on.

Silence!

This has gone way too hardcore now.

We've got to do something, they're taken Holly! What am I going to do without my Holly, Those people k*ll people, they do, it's like their calling card!

I know, I know, I know, I know! I'll think of something.

OK, you can stop that.

Stop all that right now.

First of all, you are not from Montpellier.

Anything that may have passed between us I take back. It doesn't count.

Now, I don't know what kind of pressures you were under or how you got into this, but you are potentially in a lot of trouble.

The good news is, there is a way out of this for you.

I am prepared to see past your mistakes if, if I get my sister back unharmed.

sh*t. Turn the music off.

Is this what you're looking for, yeah?

Turn the music off!

Now, are you ready to watch this one bleed to death?

( She groans )

Christophe, there is no need to...

No, don't, please, don't, don't, don't!

The money's in your house.

What the f*ck?

I'm the mugger, OK? Me.

Me.

You're the mugger?!

It was a good plan!

You mugged your own boyfriend!

You and Ivan might want to consider some relationship counselling after all this.

Shut up, will you?! Just go to the bathroom.

It's under the sink.

At the back. Have you got it? Is it there?

It's the full amount.

Hurry up or she's going to get it.

I've got it, I've got it.

Doesn't matter. He can't get into Troy.

Yes, I can. I can, actually.

I can get it to you by midnight.

I'm uniquely positioned.

Hi.

I know you.

I am f*cking talking to you.

What's that?

You're off the checkpoint.

Definitely not, some mistake there.

Yeah, it is.

He works at the checkpoint. I seen him there earlier.

Some sort of cop-spy.

A cop-spy? No-one even knows what that is.

Are you taking the piss out of me?

Nah, I'm not...

Joking, were you?

What were you doing? Eh?

Hold that there, Bill.

Let's see who you are.

Go on, get out.

( Laughter )

( He whines )

( Manic laughter )

Thank you for the directions and that.

Listen, about what happened in the toilets, I'm sorry.

How am I going to stay angry with that face?

Get in.

We are going to have the best time. I knew we were going to be friends.

I'm not here to make friends. It's in and out.

Yeah.

I'm getting my sister back and then she, this place and everyone else can f*ck right off.

From here on in it's solid existentialism.

Sure, but, you know, if you happen to have fun along the way then...

Do you want to come back to mine first for a quick shower or...?

Right, I'm just coming out and saying it.

I'm getting a really strong h*m* vibe from you.

From me? From this side?

Yeah.

Because I am strictly a T&A man.

Women's A.

Oh, yeah, that's nice, nice Ts.

There's a club. I need to get there and find this girl.

I thought you needed to find your sister.

Yeah, we do need to find my sister.

She's the one I have to give the money to. She's part of the g*ng who kidnapped her.

Are they all wearing underwear, or is it just her?

What time did you say we'd meet her?

Now.

OK.

This place can be a bit full on, all right? So just stick to me.

Getting drunk and getting high is doing your oppressors' work...

Are you ready to join the struggle for alien autonomy, brother?

Go home and educate yourselves!

( Rave music plays )

We'll have a look around, see if she's here yet, all right?

Keep up and don't talk to anyone and stop staring.

Will you stop freaking me out?

( Rave music plays )

One more, one more. Who wants it?

You? You? Who wants it? Come on!

Come on!

One more! One more! Who wants it? You? You?

Dominic! Dominic!

Here! Over here! Here!

You! Come on.

There he is.

( Cheering )

DJ, let's go!

There you are. I thought I told you to keep up.

Right, Dominic, is it me or is it quite finger-tingly in here?

Have you done a powerball?

Yeah, it tasted like dishwasher powder. What is it?

It's dishwasher powder.

It is.

Yeah, it's a short but intense high.

It shouldn't affect you. It's alien-specific.

Right.

It's actually quite bad for you.

Who the important man, Dominic?

That's Fabian.

He's in charge - of like everything.

Everything?

Oh, don't tell me you signed up for a pill punch?

What's a pill punch?

It's barbaric.

Yeah, but what is it?

It's not even a sport.

I think I need to splash some water on my face or something.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Whoo!

In the toilet.

In the toilet?

Dominic, I'm not feeling very well.

Come on. You're up. Let's go.

( Crowd cheers )

What's your name, pal?

What?

Walt versus Marc.

Do you even know the rules to Pill Punch?

No, what are the rules, Dominic?

OK, so we both know the rules.

What?

Let's pill punch!

All right, fella? Thursday night, do you know what I mean?

I don't know what this is.

I'm supposed to meet a girl, I'm supposed to give her some money.

Don't mention the money!

f*cking hell, man.

Be discreet, all right?

This is not the place you want people to know you're carrying around?3,000.

Three grand?

What do I do?

Why would you do something you don't know the rules to? It's su1c1de.

And the window of response is closed.

Window of response? I don't really want to play any more.

Stop! We've got your money.

Where'd she go?

What are you doing?

I thought there were some people following us and, you know, that's what you do, you pretend to be two gay men kissing.

It throws people off the trail, and this is a dodgy part of town so you've got to be careful.

Right, there's a new rule, no kissing me.

All right?

Yes, the guys, did you want to give us that money?

Three grand, wasn't it? Eh?

I said about being discreet, didn't I? In the club, I said.

You sure you want it that bad?

Sorry.

"Sure you want it that bad"?

That was impressive, really, wasn't it?

Yeah...

Yeah, well, you made it to Troy. Equally impressive.

It's all there.

I'm going to go get your sister now.

OK.

Don't move.

There's something about her.

I think she could answer a lot of questions for me, like she's somehow my destiny or my destiny's tied up with her in some way, you know?

Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a slag.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I thought I recognised her. I've seen her around town.

She'd shag anything apparently.

Pretty low criteria then, which is good.

What's a normal amount of time to wait for a hostage after you've given over ransom money?

Something must have happened to her.

You sure this is the best time for that?

Maybe she's stuck somewhere. Maybe she left us a message.

Ah, sh*t!

Small cr*ck in the screen there, it doesn't matter.

You know, I think she's taken that money for herself.

We have been sucked in to something where we are way out of our depth.

Would you stop talking to me like we're on a date?

15 minutes from now someone is going to m*rder my sister by dismembering her.

It's not a date situation, is it?

I know it's not a date situation.

Actually that clock's 15 minutes slow.

How am I going to go home and tell Dad this happened? I can't, how can I?

I'm going to be stuck in this place for the rest of my life.

Wouldn't be such a bad thing. You know, you could sleep in my bed.

Honestly, we'd have such a laugh!

Not in bed, obviously, necessarily.

There's spare keys here somewhere.

No! None of this has been leading up to me moving in with you.

You wouldn't be out of place.

You would not be out of place. Would you, you know?

I've been watching you.

I know.

What do you know?

What you are. It's OK.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You'll feel better if you just said it. You know, just say the words. Just say...

"I'm gay."

I'm half alien. I'm not gay.

Neither am I. I thought I saw you semi-erect once in the shower and maybe I'm reading too much into it. But, oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

But I thought that was impossible.

So did I. Turns out not.

You're a genetic leap!

I don't want to be a genetic leap.

Sure, but still, I bet it feels better now that you've got it said.

It feels disgusting.

Right.

The sh*t that mums get away with.

She sat me down and she told me I was special.

I'm not special, am I? I'm a f*cking mork!

The worst part is I can feel this attraction.

Is it a boy attraction or a girl attraction?

How did that even come into it?

No, it wouldn't.

If someone comes in the room and I'm getting a blow job off a goat, their first reaction's not going to be, "Is that a nanny goat "or a billy goat you got there, Lew?"

I bet, "Why have you got your penis in a goat's mouth?" is going to come up first.

Penis in a goat's mouth, yeah.

Yeah.

Alien attraction, OK?

I know that sunset.

You know a sunset?

It's from the cam girl site, Holly's in there.

All this time they're your neighbours.

Oh, yeah!

What? It's not like they invite me to their barbecues.

sh*t, they're going to k*ll her! What do we do?! What do we do?!

We get her back.

We should be OK.

The girl's gone, she's run off with the money.

Two of them, two of us.

I'll never forget you.

What?

Nothing, look, just keep them outside.

But how?

Look at me. You're spectacular, OK?

You've so many resources.

Something will come to you.

Can you come outside, please?

What for?

Because you've won a competition and if you come outside now, you can claim your prize.

What is it?

It's a car.

Chris! Bloke says we've won a car.

We've won a car.

Yeah.

It's a Ford, Ford Focus and if you come...

The thing is, I have to show you.

So it will only take a second, so...

Yep, diesel.

Come on. No, no, no, this way.

Faces forward.

Agghrrh!

(I'm saving you!)

Er, OK, er...

Congratulations!

Where's the keys?

Keys... Nah, cos this isn't actually the...

This isn't the prize car, the prize car is round the corner.

It's a... It's a lovely baby...

It's a blue colour, it is.

I'm going to fetch my baseball bat.

Oh, don't do that, mate. Don't do that, mate.

One minute! Just hang on.

Chris, Chris, have I won the car?

( Screaming )

( He groans )

Guess who I am?

I'm the last thing you see before you die.

I'm Final Destination, pal.

I'm death.

Hello.

Hello.

God, I'm sick of hearing your voice. Get on with it.

k*ll us!

I don't feel that way at all!

Me neither.

What are you waiting for, you Mork twat?

Look, we brought the money! Holly, shut the f*ck up.

Come on, then.

We gave it to her. I promise you, we gave it to her.

We really did.

No, listen.

We had it, yeah? I promise you.

We tried to give it to her, but she ran away and then these guys came with weapons, they were pool cues, and they got it off us.

But then she, she got it off them and she said she'd come back, but she never did.

She's got the money. She's holding out on you.

Why would I hold out on you?

You're Christophe.

Argh!

You just got caught out in your lie, pal.

How is that getting caught out? How is that caught out?!

You heard.

You heard. I'm Christophe.

Christophe, yeah, Christophe.

That's his name.

Right, we're going to do this slow and abominably painful, yeah?

Something so nasty that it puts Silence Crew on the map, for being f*ckers that you don't want to mess with.

Nice negotiating skills, pal!

Christophe, slowest and most painful death - razor blades up the arse.

What? No way!

I vote nay on that.

Absolutely not.

Literally anything else, please.

They're going to find us with blood coming out of our arses.

You know what people are going to think when they see that, don't you?

Yeah, I'm not sure that's the kind of message we want to send.

No, it's not. Cut their heads off?

Not again.

"Again"?!

These are my best trainers.

Right, you want to send a message?

Bury them alive.

What's the plan here?

You're not really going to go through with this?

I was thinking, what if you let one of us go, any of us, and then we'll tell everyone how hardcore you are.

You have been a consistently sh*t sister.

Oh, f*ck you. Right, I was never nurtured.

I was always second best, because, "Lewis was so special, Lewis was..."

( He grunts )

Holly, no!

Lewis!

Whoa, whoa, can I just say one thing, one thing?

Because I think you are going to feel very differently when I'm finished.

I have run up massive credit card debts watching you take your clothes off on that cam site.

Yeah, part of me was saying, "turn around," so I could see your bum in the air, but there was something else, you know.

Otherwise, why you, out of all the girls on that site, some of who do way ruder stuff?

See, what I think it was was, part of me was yearning for the person I saw behind your eyes.

And when I found out you were an alien, there was nausea, massive self-disgust, you know? But I still wanted to look.

I'm more like you than I thought. I'm half-alien.

You see, I thought I was a pervert.

It turns out I'm in love.

Argh!

You're not like I thought you were at all.

Hold it steady, yeah? I want it to look professional.

Yes, I know how to hold a phone.

Right, don't backchat me. Don't.

Yes. Sending a message!

Don't cross Silence Crew, cos this is how you end up!

Argh!

What are you doing?

Wide sh*t.

Silence Crew! Come on, come on. Silence Crew!

Silence Crew!

No remorse!

No remorse!

No remorse.

( Car wheels screech )

( g*nshots )

She was working for another g*ng all the time.

She had it all planned out.

She got her boyfriend sh*t.

She put us in the pit, so we wouldn't get k*lled.

She saved our lives. What a woman.

Hi.

Hello.

Thanks for what you did.

I knew you weren't like them. I could see it.

Hmm. You've got it wrong.

I saved you so that I could use you.

Now, if you want to keep that half-alien thing secret, you should listen up.

From now on, you work for me.

I know who your real father is, Lewis.

Oh, alleged alien hit man and notorious drug lord.

Antoine Berry. I need you to help me break him out of prison.

Live life to the max.

What did you say your name was, darling?

k*ll Antoine Berry for us. Get out there, find him, have him!