05x06 - Never Ben Jealous

[bunniefuu]

Morning, Tuck.

Hey, did you hear that weird high-pitched shriek last night?

Kind of like a... a cat dying?

Where's my cuddle bear?

Oh, there you are!

That's the one.

Oh. Ben, hi.

I don't suppose you'd believe I was just down here borrowing a cup of sugar?

Even though I kind of was.

Just so you know, I'm not normally the kind of girl that does this sort of thing, but ever since my divorce, I've just been trying to get out there more.

But ironically, out there is really just the fourth floor.

I'm so lucky to have my Tuckle-bear.

I would be totally lost without him.

Dude, how do you put up with her voice?

Oh.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

(chortles)

Asked and answered.

So, are you and Sondra dating again?

Dating? Please.

She knocks on the pipes whenever her ex has the kid and comes down to be Tucked into bed.

Okay. Good to know.

Is it? No. No, not at all.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Yeah, this is Ben.

What?

Uh, yeah.

Let me see if I can find her. Thanks.

Dude, something's wrong with Riley.

She didn't show up to work today. Here.

Apparently, I'm still her emergency contact.

Hey, well, if she's not dead, we need milk.

(door closes)

But actually, we need it either way!

Riley? Are you here?

Whoa! Oh!

(Yelps)

Oh, good, you're okay.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

I just don't understand why you're her emergency contact.

And I just don't understand why you don't understand how an alarm clock works!

Oh, my God, I am so late.

Dude, it's just an emergency contact.

Calm down. It's not like my name is tattooed on her ass.

Although it could have been.

We were in a relationship.

Relationship?

That's kind of a stretch, isn't it?

Uh, no. We dated.

So?

She dated a lot of people.

This, this is a relationship.

Oh, so what you're saying is that what I had with Riley doesn't count?

Yeah, kinda.

Oh, I see what this is.

Yeah, you're just jealous of what we had.

Oh, so I'm jealous of nothing? Got it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to say goodbye to my girlfriend.

(door slams shut)

She's probably just in a rush to change her emergency contact.

Bonnie: "All I can say is Realtor Bonnie Wheeler found me my dream home."

There you go, Emma.

Your very first online review.

If this doesn't drum up more listings, Grandma's gonna need you to tap dance in a bear suit while I hand out fliers in Times Square.

Hey, Danny, oh, my gosh.

I have some amazing news.

Okay, get this.

Out of all of the associates, I was asked to give the retirement speech for Bernard Bender, one of the firm's founding partners!

That's cool!

Bigger.

That's amazing!

Bigger.

I am so proud of you!

Are you talking about the legendary real estate attorney, Bernard Bender?

The King of Condos?

The Crown of Downtown?

The Lord of Slumlords?

Where are you going with this?

Oh, my God, if I could get him as a client...

And we're there. No.

No, no, no, no.

Mrs. Wheeler, please.

He is a sweet, darling, old man who occasionally mistakes me for his daughter... Put those away!

Okay, fine!

All right?

No.

You have to promise me that you will stay away from him.

(scoffs) What?

I just want to meet him... shake his wallet... hand!

I mean hand! Totally his hand.

(groans)

Okay, fine.

I promise to stay away from him.

Good. Thank you.

Yeah.

All right, I am gonna go work on my speech.

I will... I'll see you later, Danny?

Bye!

(door closes)

What?

I'm just trying to figure out the loophole.

See, you promised to stay away from him, but you didn't promise that he'd stay away from you!

Oh, my God, you are my son.

Come here. I'm sorry.

Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben!

We've got a problem.

Is it that my best friend likes to walk around town carrying a stuffed bear?

Because I accept you anyway.

Though I'd rather you get rid of the bear.

(Scoffs)

No. And this was a gift... from Sondra.

(Click)

Sondra's voice: Happy one month anniversary, Tuckle-bear!

Dude, she thinks we're dating!

Why would she want to ruin a good thing with actual feelings?

What am I supposed to do now?

Here's a thought.

Next time she bangs on the pipes, don't bang back.

Well, what about my pipes?

Hey, Tuck... you think Riley and I had something, right?

Really?

We can't have one conversation about me?

It's like Danny wants to pretend that what I had with Riley didn't even exist.

Well, I guess I understand that.

It's kind of like when I gave my cousin my bike, and he wouldn't even let me ride it once in a while.

I just know that if the roles were reversed, I would have the decency to be jealous of him.

They are, and you are.

No, I am not! But he will be!

Hey, guys! How's it goin'?

Riles, I just got a text from Abbey and Steve.

Oh!

Yeah, they were just saying how much they miss us at Couples-Only Game Night, which you only get to go to if you're a couple.

Well, we should have them over!

I love games!

Oh, my God, how much fun would that be?

Ben you have their number, right?

It's in my phone.

(laughter)

(laughing)

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And that's why I have dual citizenship in Guam!

So...

Mrs. Wheeler.

Mr. Bender, hi.

What an odd, why-am-I-not-surprised surprise.

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's a funny story.

Do you wanna tell it?

Eh.

Okay, yeah, I'll tell it.

So I came by to meet you for lunch...

We weren't having lunch.

I know. I forgot to invite you.

And on my way out, Bendy here practically ran me over, and somehow, I ended up in his lap.

Well, you know, one thing led to another, and he insisted on taking me out to lunch, so, well, here we are.

So you kidnapped him.

Isn't she hilarious?

(louder) She's hilarious!

Ha!

(wheezes, coughs)

Oh, my God, I love your laugh.

It's done.

Sondra will not be bothering us anymore.

If you need help burying the body, count me out.

I hurt my back yesterday.

No, man. I told her the truth.

That I wasn't interested in anything more than a physical relationship.

Tucker, women don't want to hear the truth.

Well, I mean, I guess they probably do, but it's just safer not to.

Dude, but she just kept going on and on about how we're so right for each other and how she feels so betrayed.

I mean, at least that's what I think she said.

I had my earplugs in.

God, some people just don't know how to move on.

Oh!

That's what I should do!

And we're back to you.

I'm gonna show Danny that Riley hasn't completely moved on!

But she has.

Well, you don't know that.

But I do.

You know what?

I'm gonna find some old photos of us together, leave them in her apartment where Danny will see them, and then he'll think she's still pining over me.

But she's not!

You don't know that!

(knocking)

Sondra, hi.

Look, I know this must be hard on y...

Shh.

It's my turn, Tuckle-bear.

I was doing a lot of thinking while I was cutting up pictures of you.

Um, I'm sorry, what's up with your voice?

If you must know, I've also been drinking and alcohol makes my voice kind of low and annoying.

You know what?

I think you might have misunderstood what I was saying earlier.

Let's talk about this over some wine.

Yeah. In my room.

Go ahead, girl! I'mma get you! Go!

(chuckles)

No, that's too obvious.

Oh! Nightstand.

What the hell are you doing?

Riley! Hi! Uh...

I was just looking for something I dropped earlier.

Hey, what is that? Is that a picture of us?

No.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. Let me see it.

No, it's not, Riley.

Just let go. No.

Ben, let me see the picture!

(both grunt)

What the hell is going on?

Dude, calm down.

This is not what it looks like... but I completely understand if you're jealous.

I mean, are you actively trying to make Danny jealous?

(sputters) No, that's ridiculous.

You think it worked?

No, because he's not, all right?

But if you keep this up, I mean, you can kiss our friendship goodbye.

You want to kiss me goodbye?

That would definitely make Danny jealous.

Ben, oh, my God. I am begging you.

Please! You cannot...

Okay! Fine, fine, fine, fine!

I'm sorry, okay? Calm down.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It's just that...

Oh, my... oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no! -My... my... my... my hand! It... it's okay. It's fine.

No, don't pull it! It's gonna snag!

It's caught on your shirt!

This is an expensive shirt!

Hey, Riley, I was just wondering if you wanted to...

Hey, what's up, Danny?

Bonnie: What?

You're a real estate attorney?

I'm a real estate agent.

With your money and my sales associates... we would be unstoppable!

You have kind eyes, Margaret.

(chuckles)

Again, it's Bonnie.

But thank you.

So do you... in a bloodshot, cataracty sort of way.

I'm being honored at a banquet.

Will you come as my date?

What do you say, Beatrice?

Well, I say let's party like it's 1899!

Yeah!

Or whatever year you're from. So...

All right, you know, I'm gonna go get us some more drinks, okay?

Here you go.

Yeah.

Tucker, I just got the craziest idea.

(whispering)

Damn, girl!

I'm gonna need different shoes for that!

Uh-oh, I can see the bottom of my wine glass.

(chuckles)

I'm on it.

Mrs. Wheeler.

How's it going with Father Time?

Oh, can you ask him what happened to the dinosaurs?

Oh. (scoffs)

Yeah, like you're any better.

Trying to muzzle that pterodactyl with chardonnay.

Hey, hey, she is getting herself drunk, all right?

What am I supposed to do?

Not sleep with someone whose sober voice makes me want to go cordless bungee jumping?

And what am I supposed to do?

Not seduce one of the most powerful men in real estate to further my career?

We're horrible people.

Yes.

Yes, we are.

Well, you in particular.

What?

Well, what do you think we should do?

Say a few "Hail Marys," do a couple of sh*ts, and pretend we're cool with it?

In the meantime, Bendy just invited me to a hot party.

Do you want to come?

Open bar?

You know it.

We'll be there.

Oh, hey, Tuck.

About to head out.

Oh. Away game?

Yeah, just for us.

The other team's playing at home.

But you're gonna miss Riley's speech.

That's okay.

She practiced on me this morning.

You're probably gonna wish you had an away game too.

I'm gonna go grab a quick shower before I take off.

All right.

(pipes banging)

Aah. The pipes.

I'll take this one...

Should probably take these too.

(door opens)

Knock, knock. Oh, hey, Tuck.

Is Danny here?

Yeah. He's in the shower.

(shower running)

Ben: What the...

(Riley screams)

(Ratting, thump)

Seriously?

Danny! Hey...

Riley: Oh, Dan... Wait!

Ugh.

(Door slams shut)

Been working out?

Get off of me.

Uh, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I just came to show my support and thought I'd send Danny a few snaps from your big event.

You want to get in one?

Oh, my God. Stop.

Ben, this has to stop.

Riley, this isn't even about you.

Oh, my God! I know.

You know what? It's never about me.

It is always about you.

You know what? For once, it would be great... no, grand, no, spectacular... if it could be about me!

Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me?

Riley, it's not...

Hard, Ben!

The answer is hard.

Do you know how many age-appropriate single men there are in Manhattan?

130,000!

Yep, I looked it up!

Could I have fallen for, like, one or two of those guys?

Oh, no. I got to fall in love with brothers!

And instead of being mature and realizing how crazy this situation is, you are trying to destroy me!

Why, Ben? Why?

Why can't you just let me be happy?

Oh, my God, that felt so good to get that all out at once.

Now that you spell it all out, I can kinda see how this could be a little stressful for ya.

Oh, could you?

Ben, please.

I am begging you... to be the amazing guy that I know you can be and just... let me move on.

You're right.

And I promise I won't be a problem anymore.

(exhales) Thank you.

Well, that's good.

So, um, can you help me find your mom and Mr. Bender?

He's the one with her claws in him.

I'll have another beer.

And for you, m'lady?

Oh, nothing for me, Tuckle-bear.

My drinking days are over!

What?

No. No, no, no.

Come on, girl. Nobody likes a quitter.

Well, I've just been drinking way too much lately.

Hello, wagon. Meet this girl.

This girl is off the hooch.

"Hooch" is a funny word, right?

I had a cousin named Hooch. He was a riot.

Think I'll have a double.

He was this giant man with a tiny chihuahua with the worst gas ever.

Oh, my God, I really want to get a dog, but I don't know if I want a big dog or a small dog.

You know, we can name it Stinky.

You know, he named his dog Stinky because his gas was really stinky made this funny sound, so it'd be, like, he'd be funny and be laughing but he'd also be smelling it and be like, "Ooh, that's Stinky," so he'd be laughing and gagging and laughing and gagging.

There's, like, this whole new word called "gagging."

I don't think... No, it's "gaughing."

Is "gaughing" a word? I don't think gaugh...

Did you know that you can make a new word in the dictionary if you just tell them a word and then tell them the meaning of the word?

If they think it's a good enough word, they'll just add it to the dictionary.

Don't they make motorized wheelchairs?

Last time I pushed this long, I went home with a kid.

Bonnie, wait.

I... I need your help.

Oh, you want me to help you with your new Wall Street project by giving me the exclusive listing?

Oh, Bendy!

I can't...

I can't believe it either!

My... my heart.

Well, my heart is as full as yours!

I know!

I'm... I'm dying.

I'm dying to start working with you too!

Oh, Bendy!

My girls and I are forever grateful!

Oh, my God!

Oh, gosh!

Bendy?

Mr. Bender?

Are you... are you okay?

Are you? Huh?

Oh, God! No! God!

Oh, my God. Okay, listen, all right?

Um, you just stay here and I'm gonna go get some help.

God, why didn't you say anything?

Don't go into the light!

Mr. Bender! There you are.

Everyone has been looking for you, so let's get you in there.

What are you doing?

I brought these!

What are you doing here? What happened to your game?

I left right after the final buzzer so I could be here for my girlfriend.

What are you doing here?

It's called friendship, Danny.

You know what? Look, I'm sorry.

I'll take my salt and pepper shakers and my sugar caddy and I'll be on my way.

Good idea.

No, no, no. Bad idea. Ben, sit down.

Danny, take my seat, okay?

No one is leaving until after my moment.

I... I mean...

(louder) after Mr. Bender's moment!

Okay.

Oh, my God, there you are.

You had me freaking out.

For a second there, I actually thought you were...

Yeah, that.

I am gonna knock you dead, sir.

(laughs) Not gonna be that hard.

Um, don't you think you've had enough to drink, Tucky?

No, because I can still hear you.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means the more I drink, the better you sound.

Ahem. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone.

If I could please have your attention.

We are here to celebrate a man so full of life.

His very presence lights up a room.

Bernard Nathaniel Bender.

(applause)

Well, you don't have to hear this voice again because you know who I'm done with?

You!

Oh!

I'm sorry, sir. Did she get you too?

Oh, excuse me.

Sir?

Holy crap! This guy's dead!

(all gasp)

Oh, my Lord!

He's just d*ed at this very moment right now in front of everyone!

Stand back! I know CPR!

Yeah, so do I!

What's your problem?

This isn't a competition!

Oh, really?

'Cause I'm pretty sure you make everything a competition!

You guys really think it's a good time for this?

Excuse me, excuse me.

We have a dead guy at table three!

I already said I was sorry!

Sorry for what?

Grabbing my girlfriend's boob or me catching you in the shower?

Wasn't the first time for either!

Oh, you're a dead man.

No, no, no, no. This, this is a dead man!

Oh, he's going down! He's going down, people!

Can't you just for one second admit that you're jealous?

Jealous?

I'm only jealous of people who don't have you as a brother!

Oh, it's on!

It's not...

(screams)

Riley!

Riley: Oh, yep, he's definitely dead.

Oh, my God.

Riley k*lled Mr. Bender.

Who wants to split a cab?

I do.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

(sighs)

We need to talk.

I really am sorry about this whole mess.

I was being childish and immature, and...

I just wanted you to admit that I had meant something to Riley.

I wanted just for once for you to be jealous of me.

Oh, my God.

Don't you get it?

I was lying.

Ben, I've watched the girl of my dreams be in love with you for two years.

Every time she held your hand, every time she kissed you and not me, it k*lled me.

I'm tired of feeling jealous.

I just want to get past this.

But I won't let you.

Maybe it's because I never thanked you.

For what?

For what you did at mom's wedding.

If it wasn't for you, there would be no Riley and me.

And I know that that was probably the hardest thing that you've ever done.

So, thanks, bro.

Oh.

So, I'm kind of the hero in this story?

I'm good with that.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

Look, Danny... please trust me when I say I am truly happy that you're with Riley now.

How's she doing?

Eh, she'll be fine.

Has she been working out?

Yeah, man. She has.

Don't tell her we did that.

Got a fresh stack of fliers and the world's cutest assistant.

Okay, Emma. Can you show me that dance we practiced?

Come on, show it.

Yes! All right!

All right.

Let's go drum up some business for grandma!

Come on, sweetie.

Hey. What's going on?

Nothing.

Just getting Emma ready for Halloween.

Oh, cute.

Mm-hmm.

Let's hit Times Square, sweetie.

Wait a minute.

(door closes)

Halloween's not for six months.

Mom? Mom!