03x06 - Young & Rachael Ray

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Josh.

Hey! Hi! You're here.

So, uh, you know, after we broke up in therapy, I wasn't quite sure how things were gonna be between us.

Was it gonna be awkward? Were you gonna poison my... breakfast? You didn't, did you?

Josh, I'm fine.

Sofia gave me a pep talk and a tiny little pill, and things are good.

Well, things are gonna get even better.

Gabi, I've decided to continue therapy on my own.

I already had a phone session with Dr. Rounds this morning.

That's great.

First thing she recommended I do to tackle my commitment issues, is contact all the women I've hurt from my past and make amends with them.

That's insane!

Excuse me?

Well, speaking as your most recent hurtee, uh, here's a little something I've learned. Nobody wants to relive it.

I get it, and I hear ya.

Your sarcasm and your judgment, they're coming from a place of hurt and and rejection.

No!

It's coming from a place of how could you not kiss me and then take me to therapy and break up with me?

You broke up with you!

You agreed!

Oh my... I knew our friendly little exchange was too good to be true.

Will you tell me something? Is it gonna be like this every day?

Just every day I'm here.

Well, then, maybe you shouldn't be.

(Gasp)

Are you f*ring me?

No, I'm not f*ring you. I'm just saying maybe a little space.

I would never fire you. I know how hard it would be for you to find another job.

Oh, trust me, I could find another job if I wanted to, okay?

You know what you can't do? Live without me.

What? You?

(Laughs) What?

Let me tell you something, Josh.

If you hadn't been into me for the last year, you would have been with thousands of girls, probably divorced four times by now.

Our unstable relationship has kept you stable.

(Laughs) Oh, has it?

'Cause, uh...

I was doing pretty good before you came along.

Oh, really? Well, then, uh, maybe we should take some time apart.

How does two weeks sound?

Lovely.

Beautiful.

Have fun with your amends, or should I say, "a mess."

'Cause that's what you'll be with me not here. Goodbye.

Good luck!

I won't need it!

But I will need you to pay me for those two weeks.

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

And then he says to me, "Of course I wouldn't fire you.

"You can't get another job."

Gabi, I would sympathize, but we're out of butter, and I'm kind of panicking.

I know! I think we used it frying all those grilled cheeses.

Ugh, Gabi, these breakups are gonna put 300 pounds on us.

(Sigh) God, I hate those Kaminskis.

Oh, I hate those Kaminskis more.

(Gasp) S'mores.

How good do those sound?

Oh... not as good as cookie dough ice cream.

Do you have that on the food truck?

No. We don't sell that kind of stuff.

Well, you should. You should keep an emergency stash for people who just got dumped.

Screw that. There should be a whole truck for people who just got dumped.

(Both gasp)

(Both) Oh my God.

A truck that caters to girls who just got dumped.

The Dump Truck.

That's genius!

Jake gave me his half of the truck, so I can do what I want with it.

We should rename it The Dump Truck and run it together and split the profit.

I'm in!

(Both squeal)

Okay, what's the first step?

We put on pants.

Josh, that girl you're making amends to is on her way up.

Oh, okay, uh, everyone look busy, and... and stay close to me in case she gets mad and tries to att*ck me.

I was horrible to this girl in high school.

What did you do?

Tell her the auditions for Cats were at the pep rally and have her show up as Mr. Mistoffelees?

Ella was my girlfriend senior year, and we were supposed to go to prom together... but at the last minute, I ditched her and went with somebody I barely knew.

I couldn't ditch my prom date.

He'd of failed me in math.

(Knocking)

Josh!

I'm Josh.

Josh!

Hey!

Ella, wow, you look amazing!

Thanks! Sorry, I didn't recognize you. It's just been so long.

I couldn't put a face to a name.

(Josh laughs)

You're kidding right? (Chuckles) We dated.

We met in chemistry lab. We became partners.

We kissed, and your hair was all, whoof, caught on fire. How do you forget that?

Maybe 'cause it never happened. (Chuckles)

Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella.

It's obvious that you're blocking out a very difficult time.

That's what she's doing. She's blocking out a difficult time.

Which is why I invited you over here in person. So I could make amends.

Look, I know I hurt you.

Hurt me? What are you talking about?

You know... prom.

(Gasp) I just remembered.

She just remembered.

Didn't you have a hot younger brother named Jake?

Yes, he does.

Maybe that's who hurt her.

That makes a lot more sense.

I hurt her! It was me!

Now, you two, go away.

Fine. We don't have to be here.

(Chuckles)

We can hear everything from the bathroom.

So, anyway, Ella, I just want to say that I'm really sorry for what happened.

It had absolutely nothing to do with you. I was young and an idiot.

Okay, well... apology accepted.

Wh... uh...

Wait, I mean, let's, uh, let's at least have a drink.

You know, I really wanna make this up to you.

Sure, if that makes you feel better.

It does. It really does.

To new friends!

Old friends. We're old friends.

We've known each other since high school!

Oh my God.

Sofia, dumped girls.

Dumped girls everywhere!

We are about to turn so much pain into profit!

Yes!

Um, hi, can I help you?

Uh, our special today is "He Can Quiche My Ass."

I'll take that, and a "Good Thing I Only Let Him Put In The Tri-tip Sandwich."

My ex slept with my roommate, and I miss him so much!

You know what I'm throwing in on the house?

A cup of "Miso Angry Soup."

Thank you.

Oh, no, thank you, and stay strong, sister.

(Sobbing)

Wow. You know, if business keeps up like this, not only will I not have to go back to Josh's in two weeks...

Gabi may not have to come to work ever again.

Look at what I've done.

Walked two blocks without collapsing?

Do you think that Gabi's measly 67 Twitter followers would get her this kind of attention? Please.

I'm a publicist.

I have a network of people at my fingertips.

I am a social media god.

You helping Gabi? I never thought I'd see the day.

Think about it. If Gabi's truck is a huge success, she won't have time to work for Josh.

I'm turning two weeks into forever!

(Phone beeps)

Oh my God. It's happening.

I contacted every media outlet and now they want her on Rachael Ray!

Really? Cake? Do you want to be alone forever?

Gabi! Great news!

As you know, I have your best interest at heart...

Trap. It's a trap.

Who's your favorite chef ever?

Julia Child?

One that's not dead.

Rachael Ray?

Guess who's going on Rachael Ray to talk about her food truck?

(Gasp)

If it's not me, you're really mean!

It is you!

(Screams)

Oh my God!

(Both) Rachael Ray! Rachael Ray! Rachael Ray!

Morning, sweetie.

You're in my bed. Why are you in my bed?

'Cause you were amazing last night.

Amazing at what? What was I amazing at?

Honey, you changed my life! Well, our lives.

Aah! Wh... wh...

What is this?

A ring.

I know.

But what's it doing on my married finger?

Well, we got married, silly willy.

Married. Wait, wait, wait. We can't be married.

We didn't go to Vegas. Wait, did we go to Vegas?

We didn't have to. You're rich. I mean, we're rich, and we paid a lot of money and made it happen! Yay!

No clapping!

This is not a clapping matter.

We can't be married. We don't know each other.

I mean, you said last night, you didn't remember me.

I didn't until we spent the whole night looking at our old yearbooks and started reminiscing.

All the feelings came flooding back.

Oh, really? How about the bad feelings from when you hated me for what I did to you?

Did those come back? Where are the bad feelings? Where are the bad feelings?

They're gone because you made the greatest amends of all.

You vowed to never hurt me again.

I did?

Yes, you did.

Now, I am going to take a soak in... our tub, and when I'm done, we'll call our parents and tell them the good news.

(Chuckling) All right, see ya!

Oh, [Bleep].

(Gasp) Elliot, my greatest supporter, my favorite publicist in the entire universe, my dearest friend...

Hug me, and I'll cut you.

Hey, Yolanda. I just came to pick up my knives (loudly) for Rachael Ray.

I came early so I wouldn't run into Josh.

You know, the last thing I wanna do is upset him by telling him I'm gonna be on (loudly) Rachael Ray.

So, um, where is he?

Uh, I think he's still in bed.

Oh, well, I guess it's for the best, then. I'll just...

(loudly) grab my knives and be on my way!

Okay, I got 'em!

Time... to... go...

(Josh) Yolanda! Elliot!

Aw, rats.

Guys...

Hey. Gabi.

Gabi's here. I didn't think you were gonna be here.

Why are you here? You know, I didn't think you were gonna be here, 'cause you said, "I'm not gonna be here."

Oh, well, I just came to get my knives, 'cause I'm... going to New York in a couple... (gasp)

Oh, well, I might as well just come out and say it. Um...

My food truck is doing so well that Rachael Ray found out about it, and she wants me to be on her TV show.

Rachael Ray? Wow-wee! Good for you! Have fun!

Um...

So, uh, how's your week going?

Is it, uh, (sing-songy) as good as mine?

Oh it has been. You know, just, amending my ass off. Hashtag: no regrets.

But hey, you, you know what?

You go and break a leg out there.

Good luck. Bye!

Guys, last night, I... got married.

What now?

Oh, yeah. I'm married to Ella.

What the hella?

I got so caught up in making amends, I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

I mean, Yolanda, I don't know how you do it.

What? I don't...

Everyone, shut up!

I got nothing.

All right... I-I got something.

Get me 50 grand in small bills.

I know someone who can make things happen.

Wait, you mean like a divorce?

Sure.

Let's call it that.

Rachael Ray. Rachael Ray. Rachael Ray.

Rachael Ray. Rachael Ray...

Okay, you gotta stop bouncing.

Sofia, she is my idol.

It's like if you were about to meet... the guy who invented... the filing cabinet.

Edwin G. Seibels? I wish.

You know what? How about we get you some ice cream to calm you down.

Nope. I wanna look good on camera.

You know, all the food in here is free.

I will take five.

(Crowd cheering)

Okay, I am really excited about my next guest, but I wanna start with a show of hands. How many people here love food trucks?

Okay, so please welcome first-timers to our show, Gabi Diamond and Sofia Rodriguez.

(Crowd cheering)

(Rachael) Hey, girls. Welcome.

Ladies, come on down.

Hello.

Hi, how are you?

Nice to... oh, we're gonna do a group hug. Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's nice. Okay.

Gabi, why don't you sit here.

Sofia, why don't you take the end there?

Ladies, honestly, this is brilliant, but which one of you got dumped?

(Both) I did.

(Laughing)

Uh, actually, we both did. We were dating brothers and they both dumped us on the same day.

Okay, so how do you go from being, like, double dumped to selling food off a truck? And did it start with just, like, okay, let's sell food off our truck and serve everything with a side of "He Is Toast"?

(Laughing)

You're so funny, Rachael Ray.

But tell me, guys, what is... what is actually your best seller so far?

Oh, well that... that would be the burger.

Um, it's made with arugula and a honey truffle sauce, and it's named after my ex-boyfriend, Josh Kaminski.

It's called the "I Can't Kaminski Burger."

Ah, I can't Kaminski.

That's very funny.

Thank you.

It's made with a blend of three meats because, you know, who can commit to just one?

I love that!

You know, you guys are just so grounded, Gabi, especially you, I just think you're taking this, this whole thing, like, so well.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, that Josh Kaminski got married.

(Laughing)

What are you talking about, Rachael Ray?

What do you mean, what am I talking about?

I mean, it's literally all over social media, all over the Internet.

No. (Chuckles) No. What?

Wait, you... you seriously did... did not know this?

I... I... I...

She did not.

Okay, now I think would be a really great time for a short break, and we'll come back with the ladies, like, right after this.

(Cheering)

Oh, my goodness. Welcome back, guys.

So, I'm back with Gabi and Sofia, and so, Gabi, what are you going to be cooking up for us today?

This is... not... happening.

Uh, you know what? Sofia, why don't you get us started?

Okay. Today, we'll be demonstrating how to make our best-selling dessert, "Kick Him in the Bourbon Balls."

(Laughs)

Um, uh, ah, the best part is... Gabi?

I can't believe it. He's, he's really... married.

We let the customers crush the nuts themselves.

(Laughs)

Rachael, would you like to do the honors?

Oh, I would...

No, I will do it.

Gabi, I don't think that's a good idea.

All you do is... gently tap the nuts... over and over until...

(Shrieks)

I don't understand, you know?

He... he couldn't commit.

And I leave for... five minutes, and now he's married... to someone else?

So he can commit, just not to me!

(Yelps)

(Crying)

I'm such a loser!

Gabi...

(Chuckles nervously)

You know, you are not a loser.

You had the idea for The Dump Truck, and it's, it's brilliant.

No, it's a truck for loser girls who got dumped because they're losers!

She doesn't mean that. She doesn't mean that.

Yes, I do.

You know, listen, you do not need a man to be successful.

(Crying) Yes, I do.

Josh bought me the truck, and then his publicist got me on your show, and the only reason he kept me on as his chef is because we slept together on the first date and he thought that I would sue. (Sobbing)

Can we go to commercial, Rachael Ray?

Oh God, I wish we already had.

Okay, so we'll be back right after this.

(Cheering)

How could he get married?

Oh, Gabi, it's gonna be okay.

I thought up a whole plan for you on the plane, but I didn't get to tell you, because, unfortunately, we didn't get to sit together.

(Mouths) Thank you, God.

Okay. (Clears throat)

Tomorrow, you're gonna go to Josh's, and you are going to quit.

Because you cannot work for him and his new wife.

(Sobbing)

No no no. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

And then, we're going to sell the truck, and you're gonna use that money to live off of until you figure things out.

Won't we make more money renting the truck than selling it?

Well, we would have until you called every dumped girl a loser on national TV.

All I wanted to do was show him how great my life would be without him for two weeks, and now I have to be without him forever.

(Sighs)

This is the worst two-week paid vacation of my entire life!

How the hell am I going to get out of this?

My offer still stands.

Spoke to Spike, he's down.

I'm not just talking about the marriage, Yolanda.

I mean, the whole point of me calling her was to make amends, not to hurt the girl worse, and let's be real here, she's obviously an unstable person.

I mean, who instantly marries someone they haven't seen in 12 years?

You.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

I had a key made.

She had a key made.

Is my sexy new husband gonna give his wifey a kiss?

Mmmm. Why ask if you're just gonna?

I have a surprise for you, hubby.

Another surprise? I don't think I could handle another surprise!

Who's this?

You remember my noni. She lives with me, but now that we're married, she's gonna live with us.

(Chuckles) No, no, no, noni.

(Chuckles)

Okay, Ella, look, I need to tell you something.

Ugh, this is hard. This is so hard.

Tell, me. What? What's going on with you, honey?

You look pale. You look like you're about to faint.

Okay, the thing is...

Does your chest feel tight?

Does your heart hurt?

Do you feel a lump in the pit of your stomach?

Do you feel like every hope and dream you ever had is dead?

Yes, that's totally it.

So it's kind of like how I felt when I was crying under the bleachers at prom.

Hmm?

Ha! I've been playing you!

We're not married! Suck it, Kaminski!

(Josh) Wait. What are you saying?

I am saying we're not really married.

I slipped something in your drink and then I slipped a ring on your finger.

You what?

Let me tell you something. I will never forget the night you ruined my life!

I have been waiting 12 years for my revenge, and now, I have it.

Come on, Zelda. Fatburger's on me.

(Sighs)

(Sighs again)

Phew!

Gabi, you're, uh...

You're here! I mean, uh...

How much of that did you hear?

Oh, just enough to know that you're totally a mess without me.

(Sigh)

I am. I really am.

Which is why I think we should cut the two-week thing short, and you come back to work tomorrow.

Aw, Josh, I don't know. I... Okay.

Please!

I need you to stop me from making amends with all of my exes... except for one.

Really? Have you learned nothing?

It's to you.

Oh, okay.

I never apologized for what happened.

And I feel horrible that we got so close, and then I screwed it up.

Gabi, I'm really sorry.

Apology accepted.

Grilled cheese?

You know me so well.

So, how was your week?

Any chance you, uh, saw me on Rachael Ray?

Uh, no. I mean, with everything that was happening, I missed it.

How did it go?

Crushed it.

Ugh! I can't believe you sold my truck and I didn't get a penny.

Gabi, we both agreed.

Josh bought the truck. He should get his money back.

Ugh, damn us and our moral fiber.

Oh, hey, did you tell the new owner about the broken parking brake?

Shh.

Hi! (Laughs nervously)

Gabi, this is the girl I sold the food truck to.

Gabi Diamond, meet Gabi Moskowitz.

Hey, Gabi.

Hi, Gabi.

I really like what you've done with the truck.

Thanks.

Yeah, how'd you come up with the name?

Well, I have a blog called Broke Ass Gourmet where I teach people how to cook yummy food on the cheap, and now I'm taking it to the streets.

I'm hoping it'll lead to big things, like, maybe even inspire a TV show.

For sure.

You go, girl.