01x06 - Pigeons.

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(grunting)

(grunting)

(splash)

(gasps)

(sighs)

(belt rattles)

(grunts)

Okay, this is, uh...

It's a big step.

This is a... Oh, no. Optical illusion.

That was a regular step.

(bell rings)

But here we go.

Phil, Phil, Phil.

What you do to a hole.

(groans)

Da... Dad?

Philly boy!

It's your pop, Larry!

Long time, no see!

Hey, can I use your bathroom?

(groans)

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

Listen, I know it's a shock to see me, but what did we used to say when you were little?

"I wish I never had you and this was a mistake"?

I can't believe you remember that.

I know. It's pretty...

God, that brings me back.

What is this? Can I have this?

Where did you go, Dad?

Oh, I just went over here because I thought this was a quarter.

No, no, no.

When I was a kid, where did you go?

Why did you leave me and Mom?

(sighs) You know, I'm a homing pigeon.

Right?

And that means I just have a whole ming of things I wanna do with my life.

What about a home?

What about making a home?

I don't think that's what it means.

You know, with, like, a mom and a little boy?

No. It's not in my nature.

I mean, here's the thing. When I left you, when you were just out of the egg...

I was so young.

I remember looking at you and thinking, "God, look at the wonder in his eyes!"

I know, and I still have it. Check it out.

You know?

He wants to see the world!

Yeah!

And I gotta tell ya, it was contagious.

You know, like, I wanna see the world.

Ah. It's so crazy 'cause this is just hurting me more.

I mean, I'm sure it hurts to get it in, but it feels so good to get it out.

What is that other thing that hurts going in but feels good going out?

I'm not sure.

A light bulb.

Where do you put your light bulbs?

Well, you're a young man.

You have yet to discover the wonders of your cloaca.

But I'm not here to teach you about sex.

You got a girlfriend or...

Not right now actually. I was actually married to a guy for a bit and then we...

That's great. Listen.

I've got a business opportunity that I think in many ways you'd be perfect for.

I always say I'm perfect for business opportunities and nobody believes me.

Fantastic!

How much money do you have?

Uh...

Mike: Okay, look at that Jacob, huh?

He's growing up before our little eyes.

I know.

Oh, honey, you're so big now.

Oh, my God, you're so big.

You know what?

Your handkerchief just needs a little...

(groans) I look like a dork in this outfit.

Well, the good news is only four more badges and you, my friend, are a Scout leader.

I don't even know if I want to be a Scout leader, Dad.

Hey!

Why not?

The only reason I joined is 'cause everyone said you got to play with a Kn*fe.

You don't need a pocketknife when you've got "The Seagull Scout Knot Manual."

You don't need to cut anything.

You just untie.

(groans) I am gonna side with Jacob on this.

Everybody else in his troop has a Kn*fe.

He needs a Kn*fe.

I... Uh... No.

Give me the Kn*fe.

I'm holding... I'm holding firm on this.

Honey, when I was in the Shegulls, I was the highest ranked Kn*fe master in my...

Okay. (laughs) I'm sorry.

Meghan, I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?

This is not the Shegulls.

Let's leave this one to the Seagulls.

Hey, Jacob, did you hear that?

Can I get my laptop out of the cabinet?

Sit down.

(door opens)

We're beatin' this guy. He owed me money.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.

And it turns out it's his mother we're b*ating.

That's... Mike, hey, buddy! How's it going?

Hi!

You remember my dad, right?

Uh, hey, Mr. Matarese.

How's it going?

Wait a minute.

This is not the butter boy.

Okay. Um...

This is the little fatty.

The one and only!

What? No! This is hilar...

When he and Phil were squabs, he'd come over to our house.

He'd eat butter as a snack!

Yeah!

And you'd always wear those dorky little Seagull Scout neckerchiefs.

So dumb looking!

He actually made the news.

He was the youngest bird ever to have a heart att*ck and we used to call him Butter Fat.

Little fat f*ck.

We used to call him Butter f*ck.

You were a fat f*ck?

I mean, it was hilarious.

Yeah.

If it wasn't so hilarious, it would have been tragic.

Honey, why did you never tell me this?

Well, uh, I don't think it pertains to who I am or...

Okay, why are you both in my house?

Oh. Dad and I are actually going in 50/50 on a cool little business opportunity.

It's not 50/50, but we're trying something out.

It's an opportunity.

You know, it's like a business thing.

We're still sort of work-shopping titles.

I was thinking maybe, like, Father and Son Co.

Or Daddy and Boy Inc.

Maybe, like, Papa and Baby LLC?

Feel like I've heard it. How about Larry...

Well, why overthink it?

I mean, why don't we...

Larry and Phil?

LarriCo.

LarriCo.

LarriCo and Son...

Days we're closed.

Ouch.

What do you think of that?

I thought it was going somewhere else, but that's fine.

Well, that way we have the day.

No.

Well, you go in on Sunday.

I'm not going in.

f*ck it. I'm not gonna k*ll myself for this thing.

That's all we do at LarriCo. That's not why I started it.

Anyway, Mike, why we're here is we need a briefcase 'cause I'm gonna empty out my bank account and I need somewhere to put all the money when we start the business.

Phil, can I see you in the other room for a second?

Sure. Whatever you want, weirdo.

Hey, Phil?

Yeah?

Ask him about the briefcase.

Okay, where is it?

Jesus, you have so many pairs of socks.

Phil!

What?

Your dad suddenly appears out of the blue and convinces you to hand over your life savings?

Okay?

Have you forgotten this assh*le abandoned you and your mom?

Mike, I was a very needy child.

Water, food, love, attention. I mean, I get it.

Anyway, he's forgiven me and I've forgiven him, and now we're business partners and also a dad and a son who love each other.

Okay, what is this business anyway?

Well, it's, uh, pretty complicated, but try to follow along here.

Check it out.

Okay.

So there's a cage fight coming up, right?

Where my daddy, Mr. Matarese to you, Got it. Yeah.

Knows for a fact that this dude is taking a dive.

So, we're gonna bet on this guy to win.

(squeals) I'm so excited.

I could just squeal!

It's like the beginning a Facebook or something.

Phil, do you not see that he's taking advantage of you?

Don't raise your wings at me, buddy.

You've only been with him for five minutes, okay?

I've been with him for, like, 30 minutes.

He's different now and he loves me, and I'm sorry you can't see that because this house is filled with hatred and resentment.

Okay.

I'm getting the f*ck outta here.

So let me get this straight.

That kid came out of that body?

That just doesn't add up to me! You look too good.

Yes. And he can hear you.

Boy, you're lucky kid, I'll tell ya.

You've been in places I can only dream.

Oh, you heard about computer camp?

It was amazing.

I mean, I feel really fortunate.

Come on, Dad. We're leaving.

Okay. Meghan, sext me.

(door closes)

♪ ♪

(mumbles)

(mumbles)

(honking)

(screams) No! No!

(whimpers)

(g*nsh*t)

♪ That's when I reached for my revolver ♪
♪ That's when it all gets blown away ♪

Come on, Kaitlin. I'm not talking to you.

Kaitlin...

I'm not talking to you right now.

Come on.

Don't look at me.

What did I do this time?

I swam away for two seconds to get a couple pellets, and when I came back, somebody had sh*t on my lily pad.

Who do you think that was?

I didn't know it was your lily pad.

There are two lily pads in this terrarium.

I thought we shared them together No, we...

'cause sometimes I like to be closer to the wall.

I'm just not interested in talking about it anymore.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

He's coming, he's coming.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, Jeremy!

Hey!

Hey, looking good.

What are you...

Yeah, J-Dog.

What are you up to? Just swimming around on your frog legs?

Just doing your laps?

Hey, bye, Jeremy!

(in gruff voice) Goodbye!

What is that voice you're using?

What are you talking about?

I didn't even notice I did anything different.

You just went, "Goodbye."

That's a terrible voice.

It sounded like it came from deep inside your vag*na.

Nobody wants that.

I mean, I already have a low and beautiful...

I understand that.

Song-a-ress.

Just maybe next time he swims by Tenor.

We could act more like a female kind of energy?

Well, now you're putting me in my head. Like...

I don't mean to put you in your head.

I'm just saying, we haven't gotten a response from him yet and I think we need to mix it up and so maybe...

Shh! Shut up!

Be a woman. Be a woman.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Jeremy!

(high-pitched) Hey, Jeremy!

(giggles)

What is that?

What is what?

Why are you acting like a Chinese person?

I like-a the way you swim.

That is not...

Oh, my God. That is so offensive.

I just said, "I like the way you swim."

Don't do that.

You said, "I like-a the way you swim."

That is not right.

No. I would never say that in a thousand years.

That's exactly what you said and look, he's swimming away.

Bye, Jeremy! Bye, Jeremy!

Well, that's what he always does.

Ugh! You drive me crazy!

I just can't do this anymore, okay?

What?

I just can't live with you in this small t*nk anymore!

Take it back.

No. You know what? You go over to your side and I'll go over to mine, and we'll just live separate lives.

Separate turtles living separate lives on separate lily pads, okay?

Wait... What... what's happening?

What is that?

Oh, my God! I'm being lifted!

W... w... where are you going?

My time has come! My time has come!

Ashley! Oh, my God! Ashley!

It was me who sat on your lily pad.

I ate your crickets and I just want to apologize.

It's okay. You...

You can sit on my lily pad any day.

I'm sorry we ever let Jeremy come between us.

I miss you, Ashley!

I love you so much!

Ashley, I love you so much!

(sobs)

(gasps)

Oh! Whoa!

Oh. My. God!

Wait. Shut up!

No! Shut your face!

Shut up!

Get over here! Let me hug that shell!

Oh, my God! How are you?

So far, so good.

Oh, my God. I'm so excited!

I know!

We're living together!

We're living together!

(gasps)

Oh, but I'm gonna miss Jeremy.

Aw, yeah.

But you know what?

I always got kind of a gay vibe from him.

Yeah, me too. When we slept together, he was not into it.

What?!

Yeah. I thought you knew that.

You had sex with the frog of my dreams?

Why did you think I acted so weird, did all those weird voices when he came around?

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

I didn't know how to act after a while.

I can't believe this.

So where did you f*ck him? Huh?

On your lily pad.

(gasps)

You bitch!

(screams)

♪ ♪

Good, good, good, good.

Get as much money as you can.

Just pack that thing full.

Okay, so Dad, um, we're positive I needed to empty my whole bank account?

Because I was kind of saving up for school and I also need to get a tattoo removed.

Kind of a regret...

Philly. Baby. Come on.

What did I tell ya? I'm the brains.

No, you're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have doubted you.

Okay, let's go in.

Actually, I'm gonna stay here and you're gonna go 'cause, uh... well, you're the face of the operation.

Right.

And why are you the face of the operation?

'Cause I'm a cutie.

'Cause you're a cutie patootie!

It feels so good every time you say that.

You know what? I'm actually thinking now, we probably shouldn't even refer to it as a LarriCo operation.

Right.

Or better yet, don't even mention me.

Actually, definitely don't mention me.

Got it.

You're some random guy who would like to place a bet on Hugo Ramirez to win.

You got that?

Ramirez to win.

Uh-huh.

So let me hear you say it.

S...

Well, you're making an 'S' sound, I wasn't... which is throwing me.

Uh...

Go in there. Tell 'em you want Ramirez to win.

Okay. Just real quick, I wanted to tell you I love you.

Shh!

I thought I saw a rainbow. Sorry. Okay, go in!

Okay. Sorry!

(groans) Dad... these are all freakin' impossible.

Just let me go on the computer.

I'll whip up some badges that look even better than the real ones.

No. No.

Okay, Jacob, being a Seagull Scout is about solving problems on your own.

Okay? You need to learn how to fend for yourself.

Especially out here in the wilderness.

(cars honking)

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

You're not gonna let me get out of this, are you?

Mm, not a chance.

Here we go!

♪ Julio, Julio, Julio ♪

(grunts)

f*ck.

Hey.

How do you even do this?

Come on. Help me, Jacob.

g*dd*mn it!

Dad!

Sorry.

(buzzer)

♪ Gimme a whistle ♪

Okay. Paddle.

Paddle, Jacob.

Jacob, starboard side!

Muscle on the starboard side! Muscle on the starboard side!

(screams)

Jacob: Oh, my God!

Help me, God!

(buzzer)

♪ Scat, scat Ski-da-bop-a-doo ♪

There you go, buddy.

Look, Dad! I'm doing it!

(chuckles)

Whoa. Whoa.

You sure are, huh?

Look at you. Look at you.

Whoa.

Oh, f*ck! Jacob?

Jacob, come back! No! No!

(buzzer)

♪ Julio ♪

Okay, Phil. You got this.

Don't worry. It's fine.

Who's your pick kid?

(yelps)

Sorry. That was weird.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

My name is Phil.

Wanna place your bet?

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

So... Oh, sh*t.

Uh... uh... uh... um...

Okay. Ramirez to win.

All right, one wager for Ramirez.

No! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What?

Stupid me.

Can I... I want to put it on McKinley.

100% on McKinley. Wake up, Phil.

Want it on McKinley or on Ramirez?

McKinley. 'Cause I like the way that boy looks.

How much you want to bet here?

I want to bet all of this.

Oh, whoa. Wait a minute.

You look familiar.

What do you mean? (laughs) Handsome?

Sorry. Go ahead.

Yeah, I know someone who has a beak just like that.

Like this beak?

Are you related to Shady Larry?

Shady Larry?

Shady Larry is my dad.

He's outside right now, dude!

Hell nah. He's outside?

My dad, Shady Larry Matarese, is outside right now.

Oy, Bubbles, he's a la puerta.

This is...

Shady Larry te fuera. Can I just say something?

I'm having fun.

(g*n cocks)

(door clanks shut)

It's unbelievable. I mean, it's unbelievable.

That's the one thing I said. I said, "Don't say my name."

I'm sorry, okay?

I didn't anticipate this happening either, Dad.

Then you bet on McKinley!

I got confused.

I saw the poster, they had both their names on it.

McKinley's a handsome hunk, and what I supposed to do?

Julio: Enough.

I'm sorry you got dragged into this, kid, but this thing with me and Shady Larry goes way back.

Look, he's young. He's never left the home.

I've never...

I've seen the world.

Uh-huh.

You know, k*ll him.

No? What are you talking about, Dad?

Let me go. I've got history.

He doesn't know what he's missing.

That is insane logic!

Don't worry. It's...

I'm trying to outwit him. You've weaseled too much money out of me and this sh*t ends tonight.

Now, I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna line you up together so I can sh**t you both in the heart with one b*llet.

Aw, f*ck it.

I'm sorry, kid.

I didn't mean to drag you into this.

I've been a horrible father.

You're...

All I've ever wanted to do was love you and...

I just... I feel like I've blown it.

I feel like I've ruined everything for both of us.

That's the most beautiful thing...

Shut up. He's buying it.

(bell dings)

All right, all right.

I gotta watch the fight, but once that's done, I'll be back to finish this once and for all.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Just getting... Just hold on a second.

Wait a minute. Is that a phone?

Quiet. Be quiet. Here.

You got unlimited data on that?

Yeah. Why?

I got some friends overseas I need to call.

Okay.

Hold that so, and if we just turn it...

f*ck!

Daddy!

God... I'm sorry.

Sorry, Jacob.

Can we just go home? This is the worst thing I've ever done.

Let's focus on the good, okay?

Being out here...

(phone rings)

Phil.

Mike, hey, buddy. How's it going?

Uh, it's Phil.

Uh-huh.

Um, remember about the little business plan I told you about earlier?

Uh-huh.

Things ended up going south.

I blew it. I'm a big, dumb idiot, and me and my dad are now tied up in a t*rture room by this mean bookie, Julio, and he's gonna, mm, basically k*ll both of us.

So, I need you to come get me out of here, dude.

Please.

Ugh, God.

See? I told you.

Your dad is nothing but a two-bit crook.

Wait.

You said your hands are tied behind your back?

Yes. Why?

With rope?

Yes, pervert, but that's not really the issue at hand, Mike.

I'm stuck here and I'm gonna die.

On our way.

Jacob, we're gonna get you that f*cking badge.

(spy music playing)

Okay. Be very careful, okay?

Follow me.

Where are we going?

Oh, look at that.

Whoa.

Those are what's known as the figure eight double knot.

That's easy peasy.

If we can get in there, we can get them both out in, like, minutes, I'm telling you.

Let's do it.

Huh, your dad's pretty cool now, huh?

Yeah, he kinda is.

Yeah.

What the f*ck?

(both yelp)

Hi...

(grunts)

You know when you have something that's, like, caught in your throat?

It's, like, stuck at the bottom and you can't really get it...

All: Shut up.

f*ck you, Jacob.

Suck my dumb.

You suck my dumb, Jacob.

You don't even know what that means.

I made it up.

Dad, what's "suck my dumb" mean?

Everybody just shut up. And I agree.

f*ck you, Jacob.

♪ ♪

(siren wailing)

♪ I miss the feeling of the landslide ♪
♪ Shaking the dust off of my skin ♪

(phone rings)

Hm?

♪ What chokes the breath that makes my heart sigh ♪
♪ And now I feel at home again ♪

(grunts)

(laughter)

(speaking gibberish)

I don't know French. I made that all up.

(laughs)

I don't know!

Oh, God. I'm gonna say it. You look so good.

(giggles) Antonio, stop.

I'm gonna take you home tonight. (chuckles)

I just have to tell you something.

I'm gonna tell you something first.

Okay, you go first.

I need it. I want it. Ya got to give me right now.

(laughs)

Now you go. Go.

Okay.

(laughs)

Um, I'm a registered sex offender.

And I'm a registered I'm gonna have sex with you.

(giggles)

(chuckles)

So you're okay with that?

I'm sorry? That's real?

Mm-hmm.

Nah, um, what does it mean?

Well, back when I was teaching, I slept with one of my students.

Oh.

Big misconception.

I thought he was 18, but it turns out he was only...

17?

15.

Wow.

So, can you just acknowledge that I relayed you this information?

Um...

A verbal "yes" or written consent is necessary.

What is it... What is it for?

My lawyer gets it and then I have to go door to door and... and show everyone in the community that I'm dating an adult who's okay with it.

(laughs)

Uh...

Well, it's just one time, right?

We all make mistakes. I'm gonna say yes right now.

Yeah!

Yes, as in pass me that letter.

Okay, here you go.

Thank you.

Actually, it wasn't just one time.

I'm gonna pass that letter right back. I can't sign it.

Mama made it all the way through the New York City public school system faster than a fart in a fan factory.

(giggles)

Ew.

Listen, I must admit your boyish charm is really doing a number on me.

Nope. I'm a grown-ass man, so we don't have to...

Do you need me to cut up for food, sweetie?

Sir, can we get the check if you don't mind?

We don't need the check.

We're having a great time.

We're gonna need the check.

I'm sorry, I'm really not interested.

It's making me feel weird, okay?

So I gotta head out.

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

What do you have to offer me?

Candy.

You're an insane person!

No! Get away, get away, get away!

Get away!

(clattering)

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. Excuse me. She is a child molester.

I like children.

Get away, get away, get away. Stop it!

♪ ♪

So you brought your son to a dangerous hostage situation in the hopes of teaching him how to untie a knot?

Look, I was just trying to show my son real-life applications of Seagull Scouting in the world.

Oh, snap! That is a Seagull Scout uniform!

I was a Seagull Scout.

You were a Seagull Scout?

I sure was.

That's so cool.

I never thought somebody cool and tough could have been a Seagull Scout.

I was pretty...

That's right.

We don't all start like dipshits.

Well...

But I had to give it up and turn to a life of crime after my dad skipped town.

My dad skipped town too, Julio.

I never had a chance to go to Seagull Scouts with my son.

You know, little guy, I know you probably think this is corny now, but you're lucky to have a dad that cares enough about you to show you the ropes.

Shady Larry?

Yes, sir?

You could learn a thing or two about fatherhood from Mike.

He's got a big heart.

Thank you, Julio.

All that butter intake, I mean, of course.

I mean, okay, well...

Julio, you remember Butter Boy?

From the news?

Yeah, I don't think he'd remember probably.

Oh, whoa! Yeah!

You're Butter Boy?

He's Butter Boy all grown up in the flesh.

Wow! You were fat!

Yeah, no.

Okay, enough of the Butter Boy stuff.

You know what?

I'mma let you guys go.

Oh, good.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Julio.

Just do me a favor and remember that family is the most important...

There's always a catch.

And love is the key to...

(all scream)

f*ck!

Mommy!

Hi, honey.

What? Meghan!

Mike, I told you, you need a Kn*fe.

Julio's dead.

Great, now we'll never know what love is the key to.

How did you even find us?

It's Shegull Scouting 101, Mike.

Help me, Jacob.

g*dd*mn it!

Dad.

Sorry.

(both screaming)

Help me, God! Help me...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

Oh, f*ck!

Wow, Mom.

That was so cool.

What can I say? Your mom's a badass.

It makes me wanna be a Shegull Scout.

Really?

Yeah.

My son, a... a Shegull Scout.

Oh, Mike?

There is no age cutoff for Shegulls.

You feel like joining?

If there's an extra spot, I'll take it.

(all laugh)

Mike: Sign me up!

City's so beautiful at night.

It is.

It really is.

So, I guess you'll be going then?

Yep.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

You know what's funny?

I actually feel bad for the guy.

He's got no friends, no family, and he's always on the run.

I mean, that's no life to live.

I just hope he knows that he's got a son who will always love him and a bond that'll make us forever connected, a father and his only son.

Mike: Hell yeah, man.

♪ ♪

(knocking)

D... Dad?

Billy boy! My only son!

It's your pop, Larry!

Long time, no see.

Hey, can I use your bathroom?

♪ Chill light on my sight as my ego becomes ♪
♪ A funky child with some words on my tongue ♪
♪ Be like intake of breath and my mouth gets loose ♪
♪ While I scatter my spit I dream of juice ♪
♪ Have you ever made out in dark hallways? ♪
♪ Displayed a kiss that made your day or say? ♪
♪ Played a track from your record collection? ♪
♪ It's your mix, congratulations ♪
♪ We've changed a lot and then some-some ♪
♪ You know that we have always been down-down ♪
♪ And if I ever didn't thank you-you ♪
♪ Then just let me do it now ♪
♪ Keep my feet on the ground ♪
♪ Keep my head in the clouds ♪
♪ Electrified by the sound ♪
♪ Comes from the down ♪
♪ And we've changed a lot and then some-some ♪
♪ You know that we have always been down-down ♪
♪ And if I ever didn't thank you-you ♪
♪ Then just let me do it now ♪