02x05 - Present Tense

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on Faking It...

From now on, I'll stay out of your life.

Maybe that's for the best.

I think you picked that fight because you were jealous.

Of Theo? Don't be ridiculous!

Do I smell a show-mance?

This morning, we had one secret between us.

Now we have two.

I know this will probably make everybody hate me, but I'm not really a lesbian.

Have a great rest of your day, Hesterians.

And remember to take the high road and give your best wishes to Karma Ashcroft, 'cause even someone that fakes lesbianism and offends an entire persecuted minority deserves a happy 16th birthday.

♪ Am I the only one that feels emotion ♪

(Cell phone vibrates)

(Coughs)

Hey there, my B-Day BFF.

How sweet has 16 been? Toothache inducing?

Less sweet, more bitter, especially with you home sick.

Maybe it's karma.

Not... me, Karma. I mean "karma" karma.

I'm not following.

(Sighs)

I admitted to being a fake lesbian, and now I'm a pariah.

Maybe the fates have also placed a pox on your house.

Okay, cliff-notes, it's not a pox.

It's strep.

And the only karma I believe in is the one who can eat her weight in cake frosting.

♪ I couldn't see anything ♪
♪ But I still feel the same ♪

It just sucks not to be celebrating with the people I care about most.

People?

Person. Singular.

(Laughs) As in you, my strep-stricken soul sister.

Well, I promise I won't miss any more milestone birthdays.

For your 18th, we'll buy p*rn.

And there's 21... that one's obvious.

And for your 50th, Alaskan cruise.

I'm thinking we'll be pretty into whale watching by then.

Where'd you go? Karma?

I'm here. I just got to my locker.

♪ So go your own way ♪
♪ I believe too ♪
♪ Just think of me ♪
♪ Ba-by right here tonight ♪

Surprise!

Amy! What are you doing here?

I faked sick to set up your greatest birthday scavenger hunt to date.

What's up with the longing Liam looks?

I thought you two were through.

Oh, we are. Completely dunzo.

Trust me.

(Laughs nervously)

Are you sure?

Totally.

And you didn't have to go through all this trouble.

I mean, after the week that I've been having, I don't really feel like celebrating.

You're a social leper, so what?

Soon we'll go back to being ignored like the good old days.

All we need is each other.

And to prove that point, I have recreated key moments in our friendship.

That's right... this hunt is the best of Karmy retrospective.

Has anyone ever told you you're the best friend ever?

Yeah.

Let's do this.

Uh...

Today is your day.

I'm not gonna let you carry your book-bag like some sort of commoner.

Now here, open your first clue.

Yay, I... can't wait to read it.

(Upbeat electronic music)

Liam.

Quit taking it out on these innocent art supplies...

Shane, really, I don't want to talk about it.

That's just your straight guy resistance to talking about your feelings.

Push through it.

What are y'all on about?

(Sighs)

It's Karma's birthday, and Liam can't be with her for reasons too complicated and (bleep) up to specify.

Wanna go hit stuff? Always makes me feel better.

I'm taking this mixed martial arts class downtown.

Nice try, Theo, but what Liam needs is to talk it all out over some grilled cheeses at Millie's Diner.

What is this, The View?

(Both laughing)

Shane, I'm sorry, but that class is just what the doctor ordered.

You're not the doctor. You're the patient.

You can't prescribe your own medicine.

Wow, you really think you know what's best for everybody, don't you?

It's a gift.

(Scoffs)

We'll talk it out later, I promise.

But right now, I just want to punch someone in the face without getting arrested.

You want to come?

I'll pass.

It all sounds a bit too aggressively heterosexual for me.

Ahh!

Hey, watch it!

Lurk much, Lauren? What are you doing here?

You're opposed to arts education.

We should not waste tax dollars on people who don't want real jobs.

And I needed a... sponge for... sponging.

Uh-huh.

Or you know Theo meets us after school here most days, and you are full-on stalking him.

That is ridiculous.

Is it?

Is it, really?

Fine, maybe I was thinking we might bump...

Uglies?

Into each other.

I like him, okay?

So you better not screw it up.

Trust me, I won't. I am all for you two mating.

You are?

A high-maintenance, time-consuming girlfriend is exactly what Theo needs.

Right? Okay.

So how can we make this happen?

Amy, this is amazing!

It's just like that ball pit where we met in kindergarten.

And you know what?

I don't even care that my room's gonna reek of toddler feet for the next month.

You better get to searching.

We don't have all day.

Right.

Wait... what?

Your next clue's written on one of these balls, so start digging!

Really?

Uh-huh.

Uh...Fun! Ha.

Here goes.

I may have underestimated how long this would take.

I'll help.

Hey!

What's that?

Uh, just a... birthday note from Irma.

Irma the lunch lady?

What can I say?

She is a fan.

On my birthday, she just gave me an extra scoop of mashed potatoes.

But you know the rules....

We open gifts and cards after cake time.

Of course!

Now, come on.

This clue ball ain't gonna find itself.

(Guys grunting)

So when does the punching of things commence?

Patience, young Padawan. First there's warm-ups.

Great! We're so ready to bust some skulls and whatnot.

Well, well, well. Look who it is.

You two came together? Are you...

Friends now?

What?

Eew! No.

Don't be gross.

I just ran into Lauren here, and it just so happens she's in the mood to whack on someone herself or was it whack off, Lauren?

Whack on, whack off, whack on...

I'm looking to...

Ow!

Mix up my workout regime.

Yoga-lates is getting old.

I'm gonna go... stretch.

(Gasps) I saw that!

You've got a thing for the ice queen!

You two would be so cute together.

Plus, if he melts her heart, you'll save all the villagers!

There you go thinking you're right again.

Seriously, butt out.

And butt joke in three, two, and one.

Please!

Butt jokes are beneath me.

But speaking of butts...

(Guys grunting)

I was so wrong about one thing.

This class isn't too straight.

This is the gayest thing I have ever seen!

What? No it isn't!

Uh... Come on!

Half-naked, sweaty men, colorful short-shorts, positions straight out of a Sean Cody film.

You're crazy! Back me up, Liam.

You are talking to the undisputed expert of finding h*m* subtext in anything.

Do not get him started on Batman.

He and Alfred live in a cave and design outfits.

Okay, I'll give you that one. But MMA is not gay... in any way.

Ooh!

Take it!

All right, huddle up, class.

I'm your instructor, Duke Lewis Junior.

My father owns this gym.

Kinda like how I'm about to own...

All your asses.

Who's ready?

(Claps)

Wow, you really went all out.

I mean, painting ceramic figurines from our unicorn period and then sneaking into that PG-13 movie?

That was so us when we were ten.

But did we really have to stay for the whole thing?

We're not cutting corners on your birthday!

Surprise.

Surprise!

Mom...

And Aunt Sarah.

You know my sister prefers her chosen name: Your psychic Aunt Sage has come all the way from Sedona to read your tea leaves.

Wow. Just like when we were 13.

Mm-hmm. Gather forth, spirit sisters.

A divination is just what you need.

That, and one of my ♪ magic brownies! ♪

(Gasps) Ooh!

Oh, wait. (Sniffs)

Just making sure they're not your father's magic brownies.

Mm!

So after tea drinkin' and fortune tellin', is it time for cake eatin' and card openin'?

Hey, no spoilers.

Just relax and live in the now.

(Mouthing words)

Right.

Oh, that's hot!

Interesting.

It appears the universe has a very important message for you about your one true love.

Well, tell the universe I can't wait to find out what it says.

(Gasps) Not so fast.

A force is trying to keep the message from you, standing between you and your love.

Well, what could it be? They're sitting right next to each other.

Whatever it is, act now before it's too late.

Wow! Well, that tea really sh*t right through me.

I have to visit the little birthday girl's room.

Excuse me.

Mind if I borrow this? It's a little drafty in there.

Okay.

(Bleep)!

Honey, whatcha looking for?

I can't find that note.

Oh, who's it from?

Irma.

Irma the lunch lady?

Apparently, she's a fan.

Aw!

It must have slipped out!

Where could it be?

(Sighs) No telling.

But I doubt Irma wrote much more than "happy birthday."

She has a poet's soul.

Come on, we have to retrace our steps until we find it.

Bye.

This isn't making me feel any better.

That's because I'm right.

Those grilled cheeses are calling us.

Or we need to skip this lame warm up and get to the part where we get to whale on something.

Remember, keep those abs tight.

Those abs!

I knew it!

Knew what?

Switch!

Still think this is gay?

Oh, this gay-ole-time just got even gayer.

Our instructor is queerer than Neil Patrick Harris at the Tonys.

Duke Lewis is the best junior division MMA fighter in the state... He could go pro any minute.

And he couldn't also be gay?

He also has a rep as a total hound dog. One that chases the p*ssy-cat, not the rooster.

Care to make things interesting?

50 bucks interesting enough?

Done. Oh, and P.S., I've seen Duke's abs all over Stubble.

The gay hook-up app!

And I've got a photographic memory for torsos!

Switch!

All right. Nice toss.

There's more to you than meets the eye.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're so dainty and fragile and feminine.

But really, you... ooh!

I'm what?

Okay! Warm-ups are over.

Now I need a brave volunteer to help demonstrate some basic fighting holds with me.

Any takers?

See what you got, pretty boy.

We're never gonna find it, Karma.

Let's get back to the hunt.

We only got three stops left until cake time.

Five more minutes!

Had to be in the ball pit, of all places.

I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.

Why don't we just call Irma and ask her what it said?

Wait. You have Irma's number?

Of course. Up until a few months ago, she was our only friend, remember?

Maybe she'll finally give me that oatmeal cookie recipe.

Wait, wait...

It's not from Irma.

It's from Liam.

Finally.

The truth comes out.

You knew?

I've known this whole time.

I saw you two having eye sex in the courtyard.

I've barely seen him. I don't even know what it says.

Here. Now you can find out.

You've had it? I can't believe you would keep this from me.

Well, now you know how it feels.

Today was supposed to be about us, but here he is, Liam Booker, just when I thought we moved past all that.

Are you serious?

We just spent four hours reliving our past.

You two are banging behind my back again, aren't you?

What? No, we're not.

You're probably telling Irma all about it.

I swear, there's nothing going on between us.

I chose you.

Chose me?

What the hell are you talking about?

I knew I couldn't be with Liam and keep our friendship, so I chose you!

Well, it doesn't feel that way.

What more do I have to do to prove it to you, Amy?

There. Are you happy?

Oh! I didn't expect you to be back so soon.

You and Karma don't usually finish her birthday scavenger hunt until midnight.

We had a really bad fight.

Was this a...

Friend fight or a...

More than friends fight? I'm still not really clear on the whole...

Mom, Karma loves guys.

And you?

I love Karma. That's the whole problem.

Oh, honey...

I once fell for a guy who, shall we say, didn't catch me.

It hurt like a bitch.

How'd you get over it?

I bought new boobs, which helped, but...

Mainly it just took time.

I had to give up my fantasy of us being together.

Want me to set up a consultation with my plastic surgeon?

Absolutely not.

Yeah!

Come on, dude.

Take him, dude.

Ugh!

Now, the sprawl is your most basic defense position in your arsenal.

Ooh, I can feel your stubble.

Speaking of, how you doing, "str8shootr95"?

What are you talking about, dude?

All right, now we're gonna move on to some more advanced positions.

Booker, I need a word. Several, actually.

Oh. Yeah, sure. What's up?

Did you tell Theo about my... you know, My secret thing?

What? No!

No! I have nothing against you, Lauren.

Well, aside from that time when you rallied all my former hookups to publically humiliate me.

Oh.

Okay. Then I'm gonna need you to flirt with me to make Theo jealous. Come on.

Make it raunchy. I want you to really commit.

(Laughs) Yeah... I'm not gonna do that.

Take it from me... lies and schemes, they just mess up everything.

You're lucky that the only thing standing in the way of you and what you want... is you.

Take him, dude.

Come on, dude.

Now, when you find yourself on all fours and a guy comes at you from behind...

Hey, you weren't kidding when you said you were versatile.

What?

Come on, I know it's you.

I know from the tat on your hip... right here!

What the (bleep), dude? Not cool!

Uhh!

Oh!

I don't know what'll hurt worse...

That body slam or you forking over that 50.

I'll take cash, check, or Paypal.

I got your text.

Ta-Da!

This is the last station.

It's supposed to represent our future as best friends...

Two houses next to each other.

But I'm starting to realize that other people will probably live in them with us.

Amy, I promise there's nothing going on...

Please stop. I'm trying to apologize.

I should have never kept that note from you.

I'll be honest.

Part of me wants to keep you all for myself.

But another part of me wants to see you happy.

It's... it's a real struggle in here.

The good side won out.

(Sniffles) This is your last clue.

I did my best.

Uh, Amy, just got your text.

What's going on?

You're right on time.

This is my gift.

Your what?

Look, you two are clearly crazy about each other for whatever reason.

And you can't stop your feelings any more than I can stop mine.

The only thing keeping you apart...

Is me.

So I'm getting out of the way.

♪ Well, I know what to get, and I know ♪

Amy, are you sure?

You know what they say.

If you love something, set it free.

Happy birthday, Karma.

Well, I'm guessing I should start by reading your note.

(Both laugh)

(Chuckles) Or you could just tell me what it says.

It says...

Happy birthday.

Seriously?

I rewrote it a million times and then I figured...

Keep it simple.

So are we really gonna give this a sh*t?

Is that what you want?

♪ Well, I know what to get, and I know... ♪

That...

And to kiss you.

♪ Ah oh ♪
♪ Ah oh ♪
♪ Ah oh ♪

Hey!

I mean... Hi.

So, uh, what's going on with us?

I mean, do you like me or not?

Because I might sort of possibly might be considering liking you. On a trial basis.

Well, yeah.

I mean, of course, I...

But I just... I... I mean, it...

Oh, (bleep) it!

(Laughs)

I gotta go.

You're gonna kiss me like that and then just leave?

Uh...We'll...

We'll talk.

Hey.

Hey.

I thought you were with Liam.

We have a date planned for this weekend.

But there are 15 minutes left to my birthday, and I want to spend them with you.

Besides, where is my real present?

(Laughs)

You know in sixth grade the clown machine at the Downtown Arcade?

We emptied our piggy banks to try to win those...

You didn't.

(Giggles)

You did!

(Laughs)

It must have taken you forever to get these.

Oh, just 13 hours and... 26 minutes.

I promise to always wear mine as long as you do too.

Or at least until the cheap fake gold turns your skin green.

Or that.

(Laughs)

♪ 'Cause, baby, you show me the love or light ♪
♪ Show me love or light ♪

Hey, don't worry.

I'm not gonna try to pull down your pants... again.

I just wanted to apologize, you know?

What I did was uncalled for.

You know, even if I was gay, what you did was completely out of line.

You're right. You're so totally right.

So were you.

Huh?

My bathroom mirror flipped the image.

(Laughs)

Uh... Of course.

Rookie mistake.

I'm not out yet, so... I have to keep things discreet.

Right.

Wait, I'm sorry. I can't date someone who's still in the closet.

Who said anything about dating?

Oh, look, your shoelace is untied.

Let me help you out with that.

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪