05x07 - The Return of the Mommy

[bunniefuu]

Ben: Okay, Emma... we were officially late 20 minutes ago, so if we could skip today's game of socks on, socks off, that would be great.

Oh, and remember, we have yet another exciting preschool interview after daycare.

If they ask you what you consider to be your greatest weakness, smile and look confident.

It's not an answer, but it confuses people.

I'm not gonna lie, kind of looking forward to you being someone else's problem for the next five hours.

Momma.

(chuckles) Thankfully, she's not our problem anymore.

Momma.

No, sweetheart. Not your...

(music plays from TV)

Hey, that really is your Momma.

Freeze, dirtbag!

Your worst nightmare is here.

She got the "nightmare" part right.

I'm so late. Okay.

All right, let's go.

Hey, let's do that thing that we did last week with the cops and get an escort again. Yeah.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Okay, people!

Get your asses in gear!

Your new manager is here!

Bar on B is officially my bitch!

Hey, Mom? Remember when I said, "Don't get carried away. I just need you to fill in for Sam while she's out of town for a few days"?

What's your point?

This is carried away.

Ugh, well I don't even know why you hired her in the first place.

If you're gonna hire just any old, unqualified floozy, you should have hired me.

Sam's doing just fine.

Oh. Oh, really?

Because this place looks pretty dead to me.

We're not open yet.

Look, honey, I know that you think business is fine, but I'm here to tell you, it could be even better.

Look, let me help you. Please?

You won't recognize this place when I'm done with it.

Oh, my God. Mom, no.

Nice try.

You put that away right now.

You put it away.

I don't want to see that again.

(beep)

And blog posted.

Take that, Mary Hart.

You fire the Tucker, you're gonna get Tuckinated!

How courageous of you to finally confront Mary Hart Behind a laptop.

Using a fake name.

I don't know, Tuck.

I think you're playing with fire.

I mean, really, Mary Hart might set you on fire.

Or sue you.

Man, she can't sue me.

I didn't even use her real name.

Hey, is that Angela?

Hey, Ben.

(clattering)

Angela! Hi.

What are you... what are you doing here?

Did someone forget to lock the gates of hell?

Ben, please.

I know I've made some mistakes, but can I please just see Emma?

Sure.

Really?

Yeah.

Here she is.

(sighs)

Walking, talking.

It's amazing how much they grow when you're busy abandoning them.

Well, can I at least help with expenses?

I'm making really good money now.

I have a hit TV show.

I've seen it. Let's not get carried away.

We don't need your help.

I own a bar.

It looks pretty dead in here to me.

We're not open yet!

Mary Hart's out to get me.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm sure, okay?

Last night, my bathrobe went missing and now the mail's been torn in half.

So?

The mailman hates you and you never wash your bathrobe, so it probably k*lled itself.

Um, I'm clean when I put it on, so it don't need to be washed.

Dude, Mary's trying to send me a message.

(knocking)

Oh, my God! She's gonna k*ll me!

Dude, calm down.

If Mary really were here to k*ll you, she probably wouldn't knock.

Um...

What is it, man?

Hey, is it a head?

Come on! It's a head, right?

I know it's a head! It's always a head!

Nope, not a head.

And I don't know if she's out to k*ll you, but she definitely had it in for your robe.

We had such good times together.

God, I don't know why I'm so nervous.

It's not like they're deciding if they like me.

Wait, are they deciding if they like me?

Relax, all right? It's just preschool.

I mean, it doesn't define Emma's future or anything.

Did you go to preschool?

Oh, my God. Yes.

Best in the state. I mean, why do you think I'm a lawyer?

I am so sorry.

Just relax, okay?

Well, hello there.

Ben and Riley: Hi.

Hi, I'm Riley, this little angel's Godmother.

Just another member of Team Emma.

We have T-shirts.

(chuckles) So where do we sign and when do we start?

Well, aren't you both darling?

But I'm so, so, so sorry to tell you, Emma didn't pass the entrance exam.

Entrance exam?

She can't even say "entrance exam."

She's two.

Regardless, she failed.

Emma's exceptionally headstrong and not a real fan of authority.

She also doesn't like to share, and while I can't prove it, I'm quite certain she threw a ball at the back of my head when I turned around.

So, it was lovely to meet you, but I'm late for another meeting.

Oh, God. No!

No! Riley just let me...

Ben: What am I gonna do?

We're out of preschools and you know why?

She's exactly like me.

I'm not ready to raise a me.

It was hard enough to grow up a me.

Okay, stop, all right?

We will figure something out.

You're not a total failure. Look.

You own a lovely business.

Oh!

Bonnie: Hey, hey!

Now that we know what she's got, we can turn her down a bit.

What the hell is going on?

Well...

I was gonna surprise you!

It's part of our new Country Western Night!

You like chicken? We got chicken.

You like beer? We got beer!

You like corn bread? We got corn bread!

Man, now I want corn bread.

Cut the bull, okay?

Someone's gonna get k*lled.

Ooh, k*lling someone.

I like that part.

m*rder Mystery Night!

I can hang a body in the bathroom stall.

Not a real body.

Unless...

Hey, Hank.

I'm sorry about that.

I thought the knob went the other way.

Anyway...

Perfect.

No! Come on!

Hey, Tuck.

Probably not the best place to leave all this.

I'm trying to keep out the devil!

Don't worry, Mom's pretty busy at the bar right now.

No. Mary.

She's out for blood.

Type O Tuckative.

(phone rings)

Oh, my God.

Is that the phone?

(Ringing continues)

The phone never rings!

Yeah, man, well, it does now.

That's her!

And every time I answer it, a voice says, "I'm watching you, Tucker."

And the scariest part is this thing wasn't even working!

So... so she went through the trouble of signing us up, and choosing a carrier, and getting it turned on.

I mean, who has got that kind of time?!

(Ringing continues)

Hey, you know what you need?

Someone to protect you.

Someone who won't back down when trouble rears its ugly head.

This is my moment, Tucker.

Let me help you.

You know you're not a real superhero.

I know.

You're gonna go get your cape, aren't you?

No, man. I'm just...

Just go get it, man.

Yes!

(elevator dings)

Angela, hey! Um...

Ben's not home and he hates you, so even if he was home...

Well, you get it.

Riley, I know I'm not the most popular person around here, but don't you think every little girl should know her mom?

I don't know.

I have two, and one's weird, and one's awful, and I turned out just fine... ish.

Sort of.

I'm not sad at all.

Besides, the only thing Emma needs right now is a decent preschool.

Oh, my God, I can totally help with that.

I went to the best one in the city.

They love me at Belcrest.

I'll put in a good word for Ben if you convince him to let me spend one afternoon with Emma.

I don't know.

Come on, Riley.

He listens to you.

You're smart, you're successful.

Obviously, he'll always be in love with you.

Well, that's all true, but...

(sighs) Oh, God.

I guess I will help you.

Oh!

For Emma, okay?

Oh. Oh, we're friends now.

I'll talk to Ben.

(door closes)

Good news.

Emma and I are all set for tomorrow.

Ben: Ugh, for the last time, no!

Angela's not gonna see Emma.

I don't wanna talk about it anymore, okay?

Okay!

But she is Emma's biological mother, and if she wanted to... Whoa. Sorry.

It wouldn't make you any less of a father if you just... Sorry.

I just wish I got to know my real mom before... Okay.

You really think it's good for Emma?

I do.

I do. People make mistakes.

And... and plus... she said she could get Emma into Belcrest.

Really?

Belcrest?

I hear they leave a chocolate on each pillow for nap time.

And if it makes you feel any better, okay, I will make sure absolutely nothing goes wrong.

I will be the consummate professional Emma-Momma-Watcher.

Okay.

Wait. Where'd you leave Emma?

I'll be right back.

Emma?

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Ben.

Ben! Benji, hey.

Hey, sweetie.

What are you doing here in the middle of the day?

Shouldn't you be at work?

I am.

Plus, Riley convinced me to let Angela see Emma for an hour and I want to be gone when it happens.

Angela?

You left your child with the woman who left your child?

Wait. Why are there so many women in here?

(scoffs)

I packed this place to the gills with women and you're questioning me?!

All right, that is it.

You are out of here!

Okay, when did we hire new bartenders?

(ringing)

Ladies, Happy Hour has just begun.

Let's get ripped!

(dance music playing)

(Women cheer)

Hi.

Mom!

What?

No!

Oh, Ben, come on! Please?

Can I keep him?

Look, I promise they won't eat a lot.

I'll walk them twice a day, and they can sleep in my bed!

Then the princess says, "Freeze or I'll drop you like a knockoff handbag!"

That's something I pitched.

I basically write all my own lines.

Wow.

What a charming, uplifting story for a child of two.

You're just gonna stand there and watch me play with Emma the whole time?

Well, I did promise Ben, so...

And I promise you nothing will go wrong.

(groans) Okay, fine.

I will be across the hall in my apartment where I can be reached if you need anything.

Okay? Anything at all.

(door opens, closes)

Finally.

Wanna make some new friends?

Yeah, you do.

Okay, you ladies ready for this?

We sure are. Right, baby girl?

So, this is Jess Cagle of People Magazine here with Angela Davidson, the star of TV's Cop Girl.

Uh, TV's newest hit, Cop Girl.

Yeah, I've seen the show.

Let's not go crazy.

So Angela, what People readers really want to know is what is it like juggling a successful acting career and raising this little girl all on your own?

Oh, well, starring in a show is great, but being a mom is the greatest role I've ever had.

(chuckles)

Angela: I can't believe I'm gonna be in People Magazine.

Thank you again for sharing your incredible story.

You are an inspiration to women everywhere who are raising a baby on their own and starring in a TV show.

(Elevator dings)

Jess: It's a small demographic, I know.

But who says you can't have it all?

Oh, and I hope you get even with that deadbeat dad.

"Deadbeat dad"?

Emma, cover your ears, sweetie, 'cause Aunt Riley is about to kick your mom's ass.

I cannot believe that you lied to me!

All you wanted Emma for was some stupid interview?!

I honestly didn't know what to do.

I told my agent about Emma and she told the show's publicist, and before I could stop it, here we are.

Oh, where?

On the corner of You're a Bitch and You're a Liar?

Oh, my God. "Deadbeat dad"? "Single mother"?

I'll try to straighten it out, I swear.

Okay, the only swearing will be from Ben when he hears what you have done.

Do you really think you should tell him?

I... I mean, I know how important this whole preschool thing is.

Plus, this was kind of your idea.

Oh, whoa.

Okay.

(Door opens)

So, you're saying that Ben is gonna blame me for this?

Blame you for what?

Nothing.

We... we were just talking about Emma.

Everything go okay?

It went great.

I'll call the school and put in a good word.

Hey, thank you for convincing me to let Angela see Emma.

At least now, I don't have to worry about her getting into a good school.

Angela owes me that.

(Laughs nervously)

Oh... you're welcome.

Just, you know, looking out for the family.

Hey, unrelated, you don't read People Magazine, right?

Okay, little buddy.

I think we're safe.

Coast is clear. No Mary. I repeat. No Mary.

Okay.

(gasping)

Man, you need to wash that thing.

And it would have been nice if you took your skates out first.

(Tucker screams)

What is it? Is it a spider?

'Cause I don't do spiders.

No!

Look, man. It's me!

This is where she's gonna k*ll me!

See? It fits me perfectly!

It's over.

She wins. I am done writing about her.

Never again.

What?

No!

You can't let her k*ll your dreams!

Wait. What are your dreams?

To be the world's greatest entertainment reporter.

Yeah, that!

You can't let her k*ll that.

Don't you understand, Tucker?

Dreams are all we have.

Dreams are what we're made of.

They course through every vein in our body.

The minute you give up, evil wins.

You know what?

Dude, you're right.

I'm done letting her walk all over me.

This time, I'm fighting back.

This time, I'm using her real name.

(elevator dings)

Oh, my God. Mrs. Wheeler, I need you.

And I need wine. Is Ben home?

That's what I need your help with.

Good luck. He is zero fun.

So not my kid.

God, he's going to be so mad.

Well, he won't be mad if I can just show him that I know what I'm doing.

If I could just show him how awful she is without getting blamed.

I mean, who knew that she was such a good actress?

An actress! Yes!

A celebrity would get us some publicity!

Oh, my God, yes! Someone to publicly expose her!

That is a great idea!

Ugh, I wish Tucker still worked for Mary Hart.

Mary Hart!

Mm! If she came to the bar, that would make everything perfect!

You think?

Of course!

But she hates me.

Well, I could get her there.

Oh, my God, this is gonna be so great.

She is so going down!

I'm not sure what you have against Mary, but okay!

We'll be ready to roll in two minutes, Mary.

Great work getting Mary here.

Wait, wait. Is that Angela?

Oh, I'd like to give her a piece of my mind and her ass a piece of my foot.

I'm gonna go over there. I'm just gonna give her...

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! If you could please wait until after the interview?

Right. Good thinking.

Two celebs having lunch together.

(Shutter clicks)

I guess I can hate her later.

Mary: So, Angela... what is it like juggling a career with motherhood?

I tried it once for about a month, but so not me.

Luckily, my cousin always wanted a baby, so she...

Oh, I... I thought we were just gonna talk about my show, Cop Girl.

We will.

But I really want to hear about your life with Emma, who you are raising all by yourself.

Yes, exactly.

Uh, but on the show, I...

Well, funny thing.

According to these papers, you relinquished all rights to your daughter when she was only three months old.

Oh. Well, I can explain. Um...

I doubt it, but I'm dying to hear you try.

What's all that about?

Ben! Hi! Hi!

Uh, what... what are you doing here?

Again, I own the bar.

What's going on?

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Please don't be mad at me, but, um, Angela tricked me and did an interview with a magazine and lied about being a single mom, and it's totally all my fault.

But... but I fixed it because I convinced Mary to come down here and expose her so the whole world will know the truth.

But... but she can't trace it back to me, so Emma can still get into that preschool and everybody wins!

Well, everybody except for Angela.

Oh, my God, Riley! What have you done?

Really?

Do you want me to say the whole thing over again?

Please, Mary. You can't air any of this.

This will ruin my career.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody calm down.

Mary, I think you've been given some terrible information.

Why do you look familiar?

Are you somebody?

It's so hard to tell these days.

I am. I'm Emma's father.

But all you need to know is that Angela is her wonderful, supportive mother who's been there since the very beginning.

Well, that's a non-story.

When I find out who crank called my Gotcha Tip-line, there will be hell to pay.

Mary, I just want you to know that your days of trying to rule this city are over.

How did you know I was running for mayor?

Is that Tucker?

Mary.

I read your little blog post this morning.

Oh? Well, there's nothing you can do about it now.

Oh, really?

Watch me!

Whoa!

(gasps)

Oh!

(gasps)

(Shutter clicks)

(grunts)

Angela: Thank you for doing that.

I know I don't deserve it.

I just got so caught up in the moment, but I would never to anything to hurt Emma.

I promise I'll make sure she gets into that school.

Thanks, but I'd rather homeschool Emma in a bar than send her anywhere that produced you.

We'll be fine on our own. We always have been.

Why are you letting her get away with this?

You need to expose her, Ben.

Look, Angela may have been the biggest mistake of my life, but she also gave me the greatest gift of my life: Emma.

And if she's gonna find out just how much her mother sucks, then I'd rather her do it on her own terms.

When she grows up and she can ask her own questions and make her own judgments.

She shouldn't have to read about it.

You're an amazing dad.

And honestly, if she turns out anything like you, she'll be the best girl in the world.

She's lucky to be a Wheeler.

Okay, people!

Let's clear these tables!

The pudding pool is here!

Mom!

All right, fellas!

Let's load her in!

Gary, if that's butterscotch, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Mom!

Mom!

(laughter)

These pictures are gonna bring in so much business to the bar.

You know, maybe you should write about Mary for a change in that dumb blog of yours and stop spending all your time writing about me.

What are you talking about?

Big Blonde Babbler, wine-aholic, cheats on her taxes.

Why would you say that stuff about me?

Uh, Mom, Tucker's blog is about Mary Hart.

It's Aunt Shirley's blog that's about you.

I knew that.

Hold up.

Hold up, so you did all those things to me?

No...

No.

But I would not wear those pants for too much longer.

No! What did you... What did you do?!

Danny, door!

What did you do?!

Danny, door! Door, Danny! Danny, Danny, door!

Danny, door!

Are you serious?!

She's my mom!