01x19 - Ken's An Expert Witness

[bunniefuu]

What's going on, Juan-Julio?

I wanted to give you invitations to my lip-sync show tonight.

Oh!

Tonight's gonna be a good one.

We're doing celebrities pretending to sing the songs of The Beach Boys.

But in the style of the celebrities, as opposed to in the style of The Beach Boys.

So you can make it?

Yep! We'll be there.

Oh, good. See you at midnight.

What... what do you think this means?

That we're down to go.

Hey, hey, hey. Check it out, y'all.

[Chuckles]

Ms. Aslanian over here thought she had the flu, but I brilliantly deduced she actually has familial Mediterranean fever.

Sometimes God plays doctor.

[Chuckles]

Say, Ken.

An attorney friend of mine is looking for an expert medical witness for his trial tomorrow.

So you're saying I'm an expert?

Oh, Lord, I feared this day.

Yes, we all have.

Trust me, none of this would be happening if the first eight doctors I asked hadn't said no.

All right, stop begging.

I'm in. [Chuckles]

So what's the case?

Homicide? Celebrity overdose?

Ooh, should I hire a publicist?

Ah, some guy got sick after eating some dodgy ribs at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

So put a pin in the publicist.

Yeah, you know what? Just forget about it.

My friend said if I couldn't find anyone, he'd just look it up on WebMD.

Oh, no, no, no.

Tell your friend he can rely on Ken MD.

Yeah, I'm not gonna tell him that.

Y'all catch that?

Expert up in here!

Hey, Al.

Guess who can call herself the wife of an expert?

Ooh, Barb Rutledge? Did Andy get on "Jeopardy"?

No, it's you.

I was asked to be an expert witness in a trial tomorrow.

Oh, good for you.

My little expert.

[Giggles]

Hey, legal guardians.

I just found a way to save our family a bunch of money.

Molly, we've been through this.

We're keeping Dave.

No.

It's this dress.

I know it's expensive, but I'll wear it to the spring formal, to my wedding, I'll even wear it to both your funerals.

Should we get you the matching jacket in case we die in the winter?

That would be great.

Yeah, we're not buying you that.

[Scoffs]

Then what am I gonna wear to the spring formal?

Um, how about the peach high-low hem strapless?

Or the green draped bandeau?

Or, I don't know, the Tadashi Shoji lace overlay?

Hey, what about that red A-line?

[Scoffs] You guys just don't get it.

Red A-line?

It's a spring formal, Allison.

I feel like I'm parenting all by myself.

[Groans]

What's wrong?

Grown-up stuff.

When I have a "Yo Gabba Gabba!" related problem, I'll come to you.

"A"... rude.

"B"... I haven't watched that show in months.

Fine.

Mom and Dad won't get me this dress I want.

I could make that for you.

Yeah, right.

In what universe could you make a dress?

I'm good at making models, solving puzzles...

I turned the Roomba into a robot that brings me fudge.

You know what? Whatever.

Knock yourself out.

I will.

All I ask is that you pay for materials.

Oh, and I need some batteries.

For what?

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

[Sighs]

[Applause]

Is it over? Did he go yet?

No, but you missed a guy dressed as Madonna doing "Good Vibrations".

It was... not good.

Ooh, I think he's Prince.

Yay.

["Kokomo" plays]

♪ Aruba, Jamaica ♪
♪ Ooh, I wanna take you ♪
♪ Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama ♪
♪ Key Largo, Montego ♪
♪ Baby, why don't we go, Jamaica ♪
♪ Off the Florida Keys ♪
♪ There's a place called Kokomo ♪
♪ That's where you want to go to get away from it all ♪
♪ Bodies in the sand ♪
♪ Tropical drink melting in your hand ♪
♪ We'll be falling in love ♪
♪ To the rhythm of a steel-drum band ♪
♪ Down in Kokomo ♪

This is crazy.

I know.

He doesn't look anything like Prince.

I call Dr. Ken Park to the stand.

Ahh! That's me!

Hold on. Wait, wait.

Okay.

Okay, can you call him to the stand again?

No!

Okay.

[Chuckles]

Oh.

Please state your name and occupation.

Kendrick Park, world's greatest physician.

Was that last part really necessary?

I am under oath.

Dr. Park, in your opinion, when Dr. Gregory prescribed Azithromycin to treat the patient's salmonella, are you confident that was the correct diagnosis?

I'm confident that it was.

I'm also confident, you know, in general.

Thank you. No further questions.

Your witness, counselor.

Dr. Park, are you aware that after the patient was given the antibiotic, he experienced a diffused rash all over his body and severe abdominal pain?

Well, yes, but, uh...

And Dr. Park... how many cases of salmonella have you treated?

I don't know. About 10.

Ahh. [Chuckles]

I... don't know.

[Chuckles]

About 10. [Chuckles]

So, give or take 10, you're saying you've treated zero cases.

No. I said "about 10".

Oh. Oh, okay.

I get that.

By that logic, I've won about 10 Wimbledons.

[Chuckles]

I've won about 10 Nobel Peace Prizes.

Okay, that doesn't seem pertinent or acc...

Eh, just answer "yes" or "no".

To what, the Wimbledons?

Nobel Peace...

Wow. [Chuckles]

I'm trying, guys.

[Chuckles]

All right, Dr. Park.

Let me ask you this... have you always treated salmonella with Azithromycin?

Yes, I have.

And, in general, what is the efficacy of that treatment?

I think it's 94% cure rate.

Oh. So you're saying in 6% of those cases, it fails.

Is that correct?

Um... okey?

Wow, so if you were treating 100 people, 6 of them would die?

Wow. Wow.

That's... Dr. Park.

That's half the jury.

Wow.

Bad news over here.

You're dead. You're dead.

You're dead. You're dead.

You're dead.

Oh, uh, you initially recover, but then out of nowhere... boom. Dead.

And you hope to get a second opinion, but you couldn't...

'cause your doctor k*lled you.

Uh...

Ooh, you know what? I missed that last part. Could you do that again?

Oh, my pleasure.

He had hoped to get a second opinion.

Okay, just turn off the camera, Clark.

No, this is so good!

Do you stand by that last answer?

Could the court please read it back?

"Um... um... I feel that maybe, um..." and there are 32 more "um" s.

Then you said, "Lawyers be trifling."

Then you ask for a mistrial.

Then you said, "Hey, look over there," and tried to leave the stand.

Wow.

Someone's obsessed with me.

So, Dr. Park... and I'm starting to use that term loosely... based on your rambling, incoherent testimony, I hope it's clear to the six surviving members of our jury that you don't know what you're talking about.

Wait, no. [Scoffs]

I'm supposed to be an expert up in here.

Um, um, um, um...

See? That's 32.

There's no way I did that many.

Look, lawyers are paid to twist your words around.

Yeah! 'Cause they be trifling.

Well, don't take it to heart.

You'll be fine.

I hope so.

I k*lled six members of the jury, Allison.

When I close my eyes, I can still see their faces.

Hey, Dad.

Wow, seems like a shell of his former self.

Not that he didn't need to be taken down a peg or two.

He had a tricky day.

What's up?

Can you take me to the mall to get a dress?

Okay.

First of all, I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me with that, and you know what?

If this is something you want to explore...

Oh, it's not for me.

It's for Molly, but you handled that really well.

So, why do you want to buy Molly a dress?

She doesn't respect me, and I thought if I could make her the dress she wants, then she would.

So you tried to make her one?

Yeah, and it stunk.

Oh, sweetie.

You know what? Forget the mall.

Mama's gonna make that dress for you.

It always comforts me when you call yourself "mama."

Huh.

I think there's something wrong with this machine.

Could be, but we won't know until you put thread in it.

You know what, Dave?

Why don't you go work on your robot.

See if theres a way to get less hair in the fudge.

That has been an issue.

Oh, my God.

I just had a close call.

I almost ran into Juan-Julio.

So?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

You don't have to.

I could just keep doing my work.

You saw the chemistry between us at his show.

It was undeniable.

Okay.

Okay, so why are you avoiding him?

Because we can't have a thing!

We work in the same place.

It's unprofessional.

No offense.

I know you and Pat boned a bunch of times, but still.

Oh, God. Here he comes.

This is gonna be so awkward.

Good morning Miss Damona, Miss Dr. Julie, just wanted to say thank you for coming to my show.

Hasta you later.

Wow.

You could cut that sexual tension with a Kn*fe!

[Chuckles]

Or some safety scissors.

Hey, how'd the trial go?

Oh, unh-unh. Pat, we're not mentioning that.

Apparently, it was not pretty.

Yeah, so when you see Ken, please do not mention trials, lawyers, the legal system, or salmonella.

Ugh, of course. I understand.

Hey, Ken!

How'd the trial go with the lawyers and the whole legal system and, uh, uh... salmonella?

Salmonella.

Clark.

Thanks for the heads up.

Oh, it's delicious.

So, Mr. Quan, you just have a cold.

It's... it's... or maybe bronchitis.

Um, could be shingles?

Rickets? Is that still a thing?

What do you have?!

Tell me!

Okay, okay!

All right! Okay, okay!

You know what? We'll get back to you.

Okay, uh... little man.

[Scoffs]

I've never seen you like this!

It's that stupid attorney.

He's completely rattled me.

I'm over-thinking everything!

Or is it second-guessing?

I don't know!

Okay, Dr. Ken, on a scale of 1 to 10, what is your confidence level right now?

I'd say 8?

Oh, this is serious. I've never seen him below a 9.

Then turn away, 'cause 7's creeping up on me real fast.

Dr. Park, as the resident you half-assedly mentor, I know what a great doctor you are.

Really?

Right! Yeah! I mean, we all know it.

You tell us on a daily basis.

You know what?

You don't have to prove anything to that snake-tongued but sexy lawyer.

Right.

I do have to prove it to him!

Okay, so that is literally the opposite of what I just said.

Okay, guys, this might take all night, but we're going with Clark's plan.

Clark, get the case file.

Julie, I want you to research every treatment ever used for salmonella.

Damona, print out the menu from China Moon.

And, Clark, get me some Nutter Butters.

Wha... no, no, no.

I already have a job, because remember, I have to go get the case file.

But you have to pass by the kitchenette to get to my office.

Come on, Clark! You just said it!

Everyone's got to go above and beyond today!

God, we've been over every aspect of this case.

What are we missing?

Well, we were missing the Szechuan vegetables from the dinner order.

Clark, that was six hours ago, and I said you could pick the water chestnuts out my Mongolian beef, but you said no, so shut your face!

Dr. Park, I'm still scouring Up to Date, but there have been no new treatments for salmonella in the past 10 years.

Is that information current?

The website is literally called "Up to Date."

I'm out. It's the middle of the night, and I need at least four hours of rest.

And my wig needs at least six.

I should get some sleep also, if I can.

I've had about a gallon of coffee, and my heart is pounding through my chest.

Wait, that's it.

Julie, get me the patient's cardiology records.

That's a really irregular b*at.

Guys, I'm kind of scared.

Hey, stop being selfish!

I'm trying to prove I'm a good doctor!

You gonna help me or not?

Clark, first thing tomorrow, we're gonna meet at the courthouse and blow this thing wide open.

Whoa, I am really starting to get dizzy.

Oh, my God.

Julie, for once, can it just be about me?

Right?

Is it done?

I was up all night and it almost k*lled me, but you're gonna give this dress to Molly and she's gonna be blown away.

Hey, Mol, dress is done.

Oh, my God, you actually did it?

Allison: What's this, now?

You made a dress for your sister?

Respect.

Wow. That's beautiful.

Dave, maybe you could make me one.

Huh.

Huh? What's huh?

Well, it's just... uh... sorry, Dave.

It's kind of lopsided.

Where? Show me where.

Here and here, and the bow is twice as big as the one in the picture.

Maybe Dave took a little creative license because he knows how much you liked bows when you were a little girl, okay?

Thanks for trying, Dave, and you know what?

For an 11-year-old who has never sewn anything before, this is...

It's okay, Mom.

The important thing is you pinned the blame on me.

All rise.

JK, LOL.

What are you doing here?

Oh, no!

Dr. m*rder has come back to finish the job.

Surviving six, run! Run for your lives!

No, I've come to set the record straight.

Okay, Your Honor, this witness already gave his testimony.

Please, I have new information pertinent to the case.

Clark: Your Honor, it'll just be a couple of minutes, and then we'll be out of your fantastic hair.

[Chuckles]

I'll allow it.

Fine.

I'd like to call Dr. Ken Park to the stand.

Just say it from there.

Fine, we'll do it "Matlock" style.

Yesterday, this gentleman cast doubt upon my testimony, but were you aware that the plaintiff had a history of valvular heart disease?

Well, I...

You can't handle the truth!

The fact is that in a case of aortic stenosis, the risk of side effects caused by Azithromycin is far outweighed by the risk of potentially fatal complications of bacterial endocarditis due to salmonella infection.

In your face!

Well, that does cast things in a new light.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Permission to hug it out with the bench?

Denied.

Sustained. Expert out.

Yeah!

Dave, I found something under your bed.

Those Toblerones aren't mine.

I'm holding them for a friend.

Is this the dress you tried to make for Molly?

Yeah.

I told you, I made a complete mess of it.

No, you didn't!

Dave, you have a real talent.

This is stunning.

Really? Huh.

Maybe I'm just too close to it.

Hey, guys.

[Gasps] What's that?

I took another sh*t at the dress.

You made this?

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

I mean, it's like a complete 180 from the first disaster you made.

I actually kind of like that one.

Seriously, Mom.

I thought something might be wrong with him.

I was gonna say something to you privately.

Okay, Molly.

No, it's true.

When I saw that dress, I thought something might be wrong with me, too.

[Both laugh]

But if you can make this, it doesn't matter that your first dress was total garbage.

I mean, I was so embarrassed for you.

Okay, you know what?

Give him a break.

He was just trying to do the best he could do to help you.

That's all he ever does!

It'd be nice if someone appreciated him once in a while!

What's up with her?

I don't know.

Hey, do you know where I can unload a case of Toblerones?

Well, I was right.

Mr. Quan has bronchitis.

Here's his chart.

Please file it under "Ken's back."

Will do, little man.

Um, Miss Dr. Julie?

Oh.

You left your umbrella on top of your car.

Oh, [Scoffs] I'm such a dodo.

Thanks for bringing it up, Juan-Julio.

Um, Miss Dr. Julie, we are in a major drought.

There's no rain in the forecast for the next several weeks.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Okay.

I don't know if anyone has ever uttered these words before, but that night we shared in Northridge was magical.

I mean... wasn't it?

Oh, Miss Dr. Julie, I'm sorry if I misled you.

Truth is, it would not work between us.

Why?

Because I park your car, and...

Oh, so you're a valet and I'm a doctor.

We come from different worlds, but that doesn't mean anything.

No, you didn't let me finish.

A valet parker can learn a lot from a person from their car.

What'd you learn from mine?

Very messy.

Food wrappers, empty coffee cups... they are everywhere.

So many loose CDs, but no CD player.

What's up with that?

So my car's a little messy.

I mean... [Scoffs]

No, your life is a little messy.

You work all the time.

Your check engine light's always on, but you never check engine.

I'm not sure if you're ready for a relationship.

You're right.

Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship.

Thank you, Juan-Julio.

I got to get it together. [Chuckles]

And when you do, who knows?