01x15 - Accidents Will Happen

[bunniefuu]

Quill, I'm happy you found your father, even happier you turned out to be a prince of Spartax.

But these uniforms are a deal breaker.

Seriously, Gamora? 'Cause I don't have a problem with mine.

Designed it myself.

I will only wear the pants, although I do not like them.

(GRUNTS)

Drax is right. This ain't us.

Deep down we're outlaws, even when we're doing good stuff.

True, Rocket, but as members of the Imperial Guard, you can access the Spartax intelligence network.

With such knowledge, we could locate Ronan, and exact my revenge!

Peter, you're running late.

My son must make a strong first impression with the Galactic Council.

Uh, this is like, you know, a royal thing.

Super boring. You guys just hang loose here.

So, it's not just me, right?

This whole prince thing is going to his head?

J'Son of Spartax, the son of Odin does not like to be kept waiting.

My apologies, Thor.

Let me begin by introducing to the Council my son, Peter, the new Prince of Spartax.

Love the look, bro. Totally metal.

Yes. Peter, this is Thor of Asgard.

You already know Nova Prime of Xandar.

This is the Grand Commissioner of Rigel.

Hmm.

And finally, the Kree Supreme Intelligence.

Whoa, dude! You're like a giant floating booger.

Seriously.

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Excuse me for just one moment.

Do not say a word until I get back.

Groot: (MUFFLED) I am Groot!

What is going on out here?

Hello! Spartax Imperial Guard coming through.

We need to see Peter immediately.

Impossible. We're in the middle of...

Supreme Intelligence: Stand back, Rigellian dog!

Hey, Dad. (WEAPONS f*ring) Don't get mad, but I think I might have started a teensy little w*r.

Supreme Intelligence: This means w*r!

Grand Commissioner: So be it, Kree tyrant.

Thor: Thor of Asgard forbids v*olence in this chamber.

(GRUNTS)

You dare?

Yes, I do.

(SIGHS)

What did you do this time?

Nothing!

(GRUNTS) Ow!

You call giving away a vast parcel of the Kree Empire nothing?

Look, when I said you could "have" the Borlon sector, it was just a figure of speech.

I mean, seriously, the place is a pit!

How was I supposed to know it was a Kree colony?

(SCOFFS)

Spartax dog. Does your word mean nothing?

Ow! What...

(GRUNTING) Cut that...

Ah! That hurts!

(GRUNTING)

What treachery is this?

Although Quill punching himself is hilarious, I'm gonna have to ask you to cut it out, or my friend here will squeeze.

(GRUNTING)

Very well.

Well, one more couldn't hurt.

Ow!

(GROANS)

(ROCKET LAUGHS)

Surely you can see the logic of preserving peace.

I assure you, reparations will be made.

Very well, J'Son of Spartax.

We will await your reparations.

Thank you. Thank you all.

Guards, if you would escort the Guardian guards out of the chamber, please.

Yeah, thanks, guys. I think Dad and I can take it from here.

I want you out of here most of all.

Do you have any idea what I'm going to have to do to smooth this over?

But, Dad...

Just go!

Before you give away the Kree home world to the Chitauri.

What the heck, guys? You couldn't wait, like, five minutes?

Hey, you were the one who said we should go dig up info.

Tell him what you found on the Spartax spy network, Drax.

Ronan is performing a Kree purification ritual in an ancient temple.

Ronan only does it once every celestial cycle.

We may never get this chance again.

But I can't leave now, not after what happened with the Council.

Dad wants me to go on some big diplomatic mission.

You want to be a prince, or you want to be a Guardian?

That's not fair, man.

Can't you guys hold off till I get back? Like a day and a half, max.

Sounds like you've made your decision. See you in a few days.

Hey, Dad. Sorry I'm late.

I was talking to my friends, and... Wow.

Hi. I'm Peter, Prince of Spartax.

Some people call me Star-Lord. Some call me the gangster of love.

And I will call you neither of those things.

I am Captain Victoria, Commander of the Spartax Royal Guard and daughter of the Emperor J'Son.

She's your sister, Peter.

Oh, sister?

Wait, I have a sister?

Yes, Peter, and by Spartax law, either of you could be named the next king.

I will keep that in mind, sir.

Oh! Wait till I tell the guys about my baby sister, Vicky!

Victoria.

Oh, this is so awesome! You know, oh...

Man, I always wanted a little sis.

Someone who'd look up to me and I'd look out for her.

Sir, is this really necessary?

I can handle this mission solo.

You will escort a refinery asteroid to the Kree Supreme Intelligence.

A gift to settle a certain border dispute.

The asteroid will be delivered as promised, Emperor.

Yeah, well, there's nothing me and my baby sis can't handle.

Oh! (LAUGHS) Okay, you got me.

No, seriously, you can let go now. Ow, ow!

Gamora: Remember, this temple is supposed to be a place of peace.

There are safeguards against anyone bringing in weapons of any kind.

Any kind.

Rocket: Yeah. Oh, forgot about that one.

(SIGHS)

I feel so naked.

Well, that's all of 'em.

Gamora: (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

(GROANS)

Rocket: Do you ever get tired of sucking the joy out of life?

Ronan: You would interrupt my meditation?

You're going to pay for your crimes against the galaxy, Ronan.

And how do you intend to exact that payment?

You have no weapons.

Neither do you, smart guy.

This temple is a w*apon.

Isn't that right, Nebula?

(w*apon POWERING UP)

Guardians of the Galaxy, prepare to be cleansed!

I do not fear the light.

Rocket: Oh, yeah? Ever get hit by a laser beam?

More like dozens of laser beams.

I am Groot!

(ROCKET SHOUTING)

(GAMORA GRUNTING)

We've got to take out those beams.

(GRUNTS)

That was not helpful.

(YIPPING)

(SHOUTS)

Ya think?

Drax the Destroyer does not think, he acts.

Ronan: I only regret that Star-Lord is not here to share in your cleansing.

Nebula: Ronan, we just received confirmation.

Quill is delivering a refinery asteroid to Kree space.

A refinery? Really.

Then I may yet have use for these "Guardians of the Galaxy."

Greetments, Captain Victoria. Welcome be to asteroid.

I am foreman, L'Rik.

Prince Peter of Spartax, also known as Star...

(GRUNTS)

Hey!

No flirting with my baby sis.

One, I thought I made it clear that I don't need your protection.

Two, that is how commoners greet Spartax royalty.

Which you would know if you were Spartax, Earth man.

L'Rik: This the smelting unit be.

Mined ore separated here.

We have an old saying about smelting on my planet.

It goes, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

What?

L'Rik: This the foundry be.

Metals here we cast for shipping.

Man, the heat in here is brutal.

You guys must be paid well, huh?

They are servants of the Spartax Empire, Peter.

They do not get paid.

So they're forced to work like this? Wow. That is not cool.

Maybe we should do something about...

This is the heir to the throne of Spartax?

A childish buffoon?

You have no right to show up out of nowhere and thr*aten my rightful inheritance.

You are not worthy of the title of Star-Lord.

Miner: Star-Lord? What means Star-Lord?

Oh, there was this prophecy that a Star-Lord would come and free the oppressed, but it turned out to be totally fake.

To free the oppressed will be?

Who to free the oppressed will be?

Star-Lord. Star-Lord to free us will be.

All: (CHANTING) Star-Lord! Star-Lord!

Female voice: This is Kree Flagship Cerebelia.

We have arrived at rendezvous point.

L'Rik: Kree flagship acknowledged be.

Refinery asteroid in 47 minutes arrive.

(CHANTING CONTINUING)

Uh...

Don't get mad, but I think I might have started a teensy little rebellion.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

No work until miner's life better to be.

All: (CHANTING) On strike! On strike!

Seal that door!

We do not want that mob getting in here.

Isn't that a little overkill?

I mean, they kind of have a point.

I have seen this happen before, and it always turns violent.

Ship approaching be.

Outlaw ship.

As I suspected, they have already called in reinforcements.

(ALARM BEEPING)

Oh, I know that ship. That's my ship.

Hey! You guys came back for me.

Yeah, the, uh, Ronan thing turned out to be a bust, so, uh...

(LAUGHS)

Here we are. You gonna let us land, or...

Oh, yeah, open the hangar doors and let my buddies in.

But asteroid locked down be.

I, Prince Peter of Spartax officially, royally, order you to let my friends in.

Well done, vermin.

Now land us safely inside the hangar, and I may dispatch you last.

(DEVICE HUMMING)

Rocket: Okay, just ease her down nice and quiet and casual so no one notices anything until now!

(GASPS)

(RONAN SHOUTS)

(RONAN SHOUTING)

(BOTH COUGHING)

Ronan: Leave them. They've served their purpose.

Quill, Ronan is on the asteroid.

Peter: Ronan? What's he doing here?

Besides trying to k*ll us? Couldn't say, but I'm sure it ain't good!

L'Rik: Bad man's here coming to control room.

But woman headed for smelting unit be.

Forget her, he's the dangerous one.

No, no!

If woman tricks safety protocols, reactors unstable be!

Catalyst melt, fuel ignite.

And everything goes boom. Got it.

(BEEPS) Guys, don't worry about Ronan.

The important thing is to get to the smelting unit and stop Nebula from doing anything. Just stop her!

All: (CHANTING) On strike! On str...

(SCREAMING)

Get ready. Ronan is right outside.

Worry not, this cross-alloyed ferronite be.

Take power of battle cruis...

(GROANS)

As Captain of the Spartax Royal Guard, I order you to leave this facility.

Trust me, Vicky. This guy's tougher than he looks.

For the last time, I do not need your protection.

And do not call me Vicky!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Whoa. You go, baby sis!

(GROANS)

Hey, that's my sister!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Ronan: Now, if you royal Spartax brats are finished, I, Ronan the Accuser, pronounce sentence.

This refinery will be delivered to the Supreme Intelligence after Nebula has rigged it to explode.

Why would a Kree accuser destroy his own leader?

The Supreme Intelligence has proven unworthy to lead my people.

In one glorious expl*si*n, I will free my people from the so-called Supreme Intelligence and free myself from the constant interference of the Guardians of the Galaxy!

Unless we stop you, again.

Ronan: Not possible.

Without the navigation and communication systems, you can neither change course, nor warn the Kree fleet, nor escape.

The Kree will think that the refinery crew evacuated before the expl*si*n and take it as proof that the Spartax intentionally sabotaged the refinery.

Kree will declare w*r on Spartax, and I shall lead my people to glorious victory.

(ALARM BLARING)

(GASPS)

Nebula!

Too late, sister.

This asteroid is now a flying b*mb on a one-way collision course.

But don't worry.

There's still plenty of time to settle old scores.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, flarg! Ronan still has our weapons locked down on the Milano.

You and Groot take care of the b*mb.

Drax, get those miners out of here.

I'll handle Nebula.

(MINERS GASPING)

You must leave this place, now!

(MINERS SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Ronan: Ah, my ship has arrived.

I was going to let you burn with your friends, Star-Lord, but I've decided not to take any chances.

Huh?

(SCREAMS)

I admit, maybe I did need your help this one time.

But why did you save me?

With me out of the way, you would be the next king, guaranteed.

You're my baby sis.

Man, you know, people in space have some messed up families.

(SHOUTS) Ow!

(GRUNTING)

Ronan: Time to go, Nebula.

There's nowhere to run, sister.

No!

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Goodbye, Gamora.

I find her irritating.

Mmm-hmm.

Guys, Ronan's gonna use the asteroid to blow up the Supreme Intelligence.

Oh, and I've got a baby sister.

(PANTING)

You have my condolences.

Ronan will not succeed.

Rocket is defusing the b*mb as we speak.

Update. Ain't no b*mb to defuse.

Neb started a chain reaction.

In about 10 minutes the smelter goes boom, sets off those fuel tanks, and this whole rock goes kablooey!

We can't evacuate the miners. Ronan's launched all the escape pods!

Hmm. I can't stop the expl*si*n, but if we work together maybe I can point it where it won't hurt nobody.

You can do that?

Lady, blowin' stuff up is an art, and you are lookin' at a master.

Spartax refinery, we have visual contact. Please acknowledge.

Feeble Spartaxians cannot even operate a comm link.

There's a wonder they managed to build an empire.

Peter: (OVER PA) All miners report to the smelting unit immediately, by order of the Star-Lord.

What is he up to now?

Take the Dark Aster.

I will remain to ensure all goes as planned.

Okay, here's what we need to do.

Each of you takes a team of miners to the blast doors I've tagged.

They're programed to close in an emergency, but you gotta fix 'em so they stay open.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna speed things along so this baby blows before it gets too close to the Kree fleet.

Quickly, the last door is just ahead.

Whatever you are planning, you will fail.

Continue with your task. I will deal with Ronan.

(DRAX YELLING)

(RONAN GRUNTING)

You still seek revenge, Destroyer.

The futility of your quest must be obvious, even to one as thick-headed as you.

I do not need to defeat you. I must merely withstand your att*cks.

Then withstand this.

(GRUNTING)

(MINERS SCREAMING)

Huh?

(MINERS GASPING)

(GRUNTS)

Peter: When I say Spartax, you say Star-Lord!

Spartax!

All: Star-Lord!

Spartax!

All: Star-Lord!

(GRUNTING)

Huh!

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

I may be a childish buffoon, but I'm an awesome distraction.

(ALARM BLARING)

Speaking of which we need to go. Now!

Rocket: And three, two, one.

Is this gift some Spartax joke?

If so, my combined Kree intellect fails to see the humor.

(SHOUTS)

(GROWLS)

No. No!

Ahhh!

(GROANS)

(MINERS CHEERING)

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I did not think it was possible.

And it wouldn't have been without all these miners' help.

Yes, I think I may have been wrong...

Miners: (CHANTING) Star-Lord!

...about a lot of things.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Peter: Okay, so we go in, explain to the blobby dude that we blew up his gift to save his life, and leave as heroes.

I am also going to ask Father to grant the miners full Spartax citizenship.

I figure he cannot say no in front of the Council.

You sure you don't want us with you for moral support or backup?

I think me and Vicky... I mean, Captain Victoria can handle this.

I can protect my big bro.

Beings of the Galactic Council, my brother, the prince, has something to say.

(g*ns f*ring)

Supreme Intelligence: You dare to make an attempt on my life?

Both: Okay, don't get mad.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)