07x18 - A Very Donahue Vacation

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Spring break, when everyone flees the cold winter weather for the surf, the sand, or, in our case, the couch.

I think they're gonna love it.

No way. They're gonna list it.

He was very clear he wanted a finished basement.

Yeah, but after they did that mold remediation, there's no way they're gonna list it.

But she's not gonna love it without that mud room.

I wonder what we would do if our house was ever on this show.

All: List it.

Okay, TV off. I have an announcement.

Oh!

Relax. This is something good.

It turns out Hoosier Baby placed a fairly big order with Li'l Rivals.

So, since we have a little extra money, I thought we should all go on a trip.

You know, someplace nice.

Oh, my God.

We're going to Hawaii!

Ahh!

♪ Aloha 'Oe, Aloha 'Oe ♪

No, no. It's... It's... It's not Hawaii.

It's Mammoth Cave, Kentucky!

Ohh.

No, come on, trust me, you're gonna love it.

We used to go when I was a kid, and we always had a blast.

They got these really great cave tours, and we'd stay at the Pine Cedar Lodge with an indoor pool, and then we'd drive up and spend a day at Old Fort Harrod.

Well, I guess if they have a fort.

No! Spring break is supposed to be about hooking up with girls, not hanging around some stupid cave.

Hey, if your dad says it's gonna be fun, it'll probably maybe be fun.

And, hey, if the Donahues aren't busy, maybe they'll join us.

I always told Nancy I would let her know if we ever decided to go anywhere.

Why do we got to bring the Donahues?

Because if you're gonna drag me to caves and forts, I'm gonna need someone to talk to.

That's true. I'm not gonna talk to you.

♪ ♪

Why are we loading everything into the Donahues' cars?

They offered to drive. Isn't that nice?

No, it's not. We'll take our own car.

[Sighs] Why?

Would you rather make it to Kentucky, or spend all week in a ditch waiting for AAA?

Oh, I don't think AAA will come for us anymore.

Frankie, this is supposed to be our vacation.

Yeah, so just relax and let the Donahue vacation karma work for you.

I did, and I feel great 'cause Nancy is on top of everything.

Well, I'm not letting Ron do all the driving.

It's a matter of pride.

Well, your pride is leaking transmission fluid all over the driveway.

So just go limp, Mike. It's happening.

Sean, aren't you bringing anything?

Your MCAT study guide, shampoo... a razor?

Mom, I'm not into possessions.

You just become a sl*ve to them.

You don't own them, they own you.

Okay, girls in one car, boys in the other!

Let me tell you... breaking the cars up into girls and guys was a great idea.

Girls can talk about girl stuff...

[Laughter]

And guys can talk about guy stuff.

Mmm!

Nancy, these caramel corn balls are delicious.

Glad you like 'em. I made one for everybody.

[Chuckles]

Oh, those are Sean's favorite.

At least, I think they are.

I just don't know him anymore.

Listen, it's just a phase.

Yeah?

But did your kids ever go through the phase of not wanting to take the MCATs?

They were born in that phase.

[Both chuckle] But it's not just that.

Sean picked Notre Dame because he thought it would be his best sh*t to get into a good med school.

But if he doesn't take his MCATs in April, he's not gonna get into any med school.

I don't know what to do, Frankie.

Well...

I held him in contempt at family court, and he just stopped showing up.

Well, I hear ya.

My kids don't want to listen to me, either.

Oh, but if somebody else tells 'em something, they're all ears.

[Laughs] Yeah, I know.

It... It's almost like they're waiting for someone else to say it and then they'll hear it.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

We should talk to each other's kids.

What? What do you mean?

Well, maybe you could talk to Sean.

Y-You know, find out where his head's at, see if you can reach his brain under all of that hair of his.

Well, yeah, sure. I could... I could talk to him.

Oh, great.

And I can talk to Brick for you about his thing.

Oh, the whispering and whooping?

We've decided to just live with that.

No, the other thing.

That's got to have you worried.

Well, yeah, that would be great if you talk to him about... that.

Yeah, we definitely don't approve of... that.

[Chuckles]

So, we finally arrived at Pine Cedar Lodge, and I could see why Mike liked it.

There was a lot of plaid.

Sue, I told you not to order the six-pound omelet.

Yeah, but if you finish it in under an hour, they give you a pin.

Sorry Ron's not here. He had an early tee time.

He always says he could live on a golf course, and I say, "You might have to if you don't spend more time with your family."

So, I did a lap around the property, scoped out the talent.

Good news... It's not a total wasteland.

There's at least two total hotties who also seem to be stuck here with their families.

So, what do you say, hmm?

Dust off a little "Jerk/Not A Jerk"?

I don't know, man.

Oh, come on. It'll be like the old days.

And we're in Kentucky... we've never tried it on foreign soil.

What is "Jerk/Not A Jerk"?

Uh, pbht, it's kind of like good cop/bad cop but for meeting women.

You see, Sean here goes up to a lady, acts like a jerk, then I swoop in, tell him to leave her alone.

He leaves, the girl is grateful, I look like a hero, and... boom... Ice broken.

[Clicks tongue] Hmm.

Sorry, Axl.

I'm just not into the whole deception thing.

I'm gonna go do some hot yoga and meditate.

They say when you sweat, a lot of real truths come out.

Wow, I just want to punch you so bad.

I understand, man.

All right, I'm going on a tour of the cave.

Who's going with me?

Anybody?

No?

Okay, you're gonna miss it.

Tour guide: You're now in the deepest recess of the longest cave system in the world.

When I turn off this lamp, you'll experience a complete absence of natural light.

[Switch clicks]

Mike: Cool.

Frankie, drinking before noon?

Mm! It's got pineapple, so it's basically breakfast.

[Laughs]

Well, I talked to Brick for you.

Oh, we're actually doing that?

Yeah.

Turns out poor Brick is just worried about high school.

That's how it manifested itself.

Ah. So, is he still doing... it?

He is making a serious effort to stop.

I think you'll notice the difference.

So, have you talked to Sean yet?

Oh, well, you know how it is with Sean.

I mean, you have to pick just the right moment.

But I will get right on that.

Thanks.

You're such an amazing friend to me.

Oh.

I remember the day that you moved in.

When I saw your stuff coming off that moving van, I thought, "Ugh!"

But then you just wormed your way into my heart, you little heartworm.

[Both Laugh]

Hey, beautiful.

You're a real hot lady.

You make me feel... stuff.

Are you hungry?

Perhaps my parents can buy you a sandwich.

And if we wait a half an hour, we can go swimming.

But we'll have to stay in the shallow end.

If I can't feel the bottom, I'll panic.

No, thanks. I'm good.

Oh, don't sell yourself short, toots.

You're way better than good.

Uh, hey, is this guy bothering you?

Actually, yeah, he is.

Okay, buddy, hit the bricks.

Let the lady read her book.

Ugh, fine. I read that book anyway.

The banker's the k*ller.

Ohh. [Sighs]

Sorry about that.

Jerks like him give us all a bad name.

Well, thank you.

I'm Sarah.

Axl.

So, uh, you like books, huh?

Yeah. Oh, I did until he ruined the ending.

Hey, Brick.

Hmm?

It looks like you're gonna have to be my jerk again today.

What? No way. What happened to Sarah?

She's got a boyfriend in the m*llitary.

Just can't do that to our troops.

No, I'm not gonna do it, Axl.

Okay, Brick, I didn't want to do this, but if you don't help me, I might have to tell Cindy about your sudden penchant for older ladies.

She'd never believe you.

Besides, after she kissed that other boy, she gave me what they call a "hall pass," which, despite the name, does not give me free access to the library.

Oh, come on, Brick.

I can't go back to school and tell everyone I just hung out with my family for spring break, not at least without hooking up with somebody.

[Sighs] Fine, but I don't know why you can't just be your own jerk.

You're a lot better at it.

Hey, don't try to flatter me now.

Okay, I'm off to Old Fort Harrod.

They're demonstrating a genuine Civil w*r cannon today.

Who's coming with?

Nobody?

All right, more fort for me.

[Bugle playing]

[Cannon fires]

Cool.

Hey, Sean.

Look at you, lookin' all peaceful.

Whatcha doing out here all by yourself?

I guess I just felt like getting away from my family for a while.

Well, yeah, well, I guess I get that.

So, school's good?

Actually, it's great.

I really feel like I'm changing, you know.

Like really evolving.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Evolving's good.

But my... my parents don't seem to get that.

They still want me to be this thing I decided to be when I was 6, whether I still want that or not.

That's what's so great about you, Mrs. Heck.

You're just, you know, chill.

Oh, yeah?

I guess I never thought about it.

But the truth is, I am pretty chill.

You listen to your kids, let 'em find their own path.

Like, Axl's never been that great at school.

You're still proud of him anyway.

That's awesome.

Well, the thing is, Mike and I...

Really, me mostly... Decided a long time ago we weren't gonna micromanage our kids.

It might look like we're being lazy, but it's a choice.

For instance, I have no idea where my kids are right now.

Brick could be lost in the woods.

But it's up to him to find his own way home.

See, that's such a great idea.

It is, isn't?

Makes them more self-sufficient.

See, I don't see the need to go to every school event, or make my kids' lunches, or remember their birthdays.

In our house, if you want something, you speak up.

You don't just get dinner.

Man, I wish my mom thought more like you.

Oh, well, listen. Parenting's tough.

Just 'cause some of us have it down better than others, you can't judge.

But your mom loves you and she knows how much you wanted to be a doctor once, so, you know, why close the door on that?

Who knows?

You might decide you want to be one later, and then you'll regret not having taken the MCATs.

Yeah, that totally makes sense.

This was such a great talk. You're so cool, Mrs. Heck.

I am.

I think that's why Sean responds so well to me... 'cause I'm relaxed and Nancy kind of smothers him.

Yeah, she's a smotherer.

I mean, I'm just very "chill"...

Sean's word, not mine.

Are you even listening to me?

Sorry, I was right next to the cannon, and I can't really hear you.

You should've seen this thing, Frankie.

Mike, I'm not done telling you how I'm a better parent than Nancy.

See, I've always said that she's very relentless, and Sean feels choked 'cause she's a choker.

See, some people have an innate sense of what a kid needs, and others have this agenda.

I mean, I'm not saying I'm right and she's wrong, but whose kid's a hippie and whose kid has an internship at Little Betty?

Oh, yeah, sure, Nancy's garage is organized, but she's destroying her children.

♪ ♪

No way! No way!

Oh, no way!

Oh! Brad, okay, I'll call you back.

Dad, mm!

I have the most incredible news!

No way!

[Chuckles]

Okay, I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to jinx it, but Brad and I got summer jobs at Dollywood!

Ahh!

What? How?

The entertainment committee from the park came to East Indy, so Brad drove up and we auditioned together.

[Up-tempo country music plays]

[Both panting]

We're gonna be performers!

Ah-ha! Okay, well, Brad is.

He's dancing at the Country Crossroads stage show.

I will be a hostess at Aunt Granny's All-You-Care-To-Eat Buffet.

But I'll get to play a character.

Hang on.

You're talking about living in Tennessee for the summer?

Mm-hmm. But don't worry, Dad.

They have condos for all their employees right there in Pigeon Forge.

They're really just cabins, but they call 'em condos 'cause it sounds fancier.

Does your mom know about this?

No, no, no. I didn't tell anybody.

Do you not understand how jinxing works?

I don't know, Sue. I don't like this.

It's in a different state with strange people in condos.

You won't be home all summer.

I'm not paying for it.

Yeah, I know, Dad.

I-I-I got all that figured out.

I will be making double what I made at Spudsy's, so it won't cost you anything.

Oh, plus, the best part...

I won't be smelling like potatoes anymore.

I'll smell like fried chicken.

It's not about the money.

What do we even know about this Dolly Parton?

I'm sorry, Sue, but I'm gonna have to say no.

Oh. I-I'm sorry, Dad.

But I wasn't really asking your permission.

I was just kind of letting you know.

Huh.

If I wanted to protect my friendship with Nancy, I knew I had to get to Shelly before she ratted me out.

Hi, Shelly. Having fun?

You know, sometimes adults say silly things that kids don't understand, like when they talk about mortgages or other people's parenting skills.

You might think you get it, but your brain hasn't actually developed the capacity for irony yet.

In fact, your head's probably still soft.

If I touched it right now, my finger would probably go right through it.

[Chuckling] Not that I will.

The important thing is just not to say anything to your mom about anything you may or may not have heard.

Okay? We cool?

I don't have anyone to play "Marco Polo" with.

[Sighs]

Marco...

So, given the choice between an atomic wedgie and another round of "Jerk/Not a Jerk,"

Brick chose the latter.

Hey, sorry.

Is this guy bugging you?

No, he's actually being really sweet.

I mean, I thought I was the biggest "Planet Nowhere" nerd, but Brick here can name every Silligan officer in the Pernovian Fleet.

Hm.

Wow.

Marco? Marco?

After three hours of playing "Marco Polo" and never finding Shelly, but inappropriately touching a couple of old guys and making their day, I was done.

Look, Shelly. This was really fun.

So fun.

So, I guess the only thing your mom is gonna hear about today is how much fun we had, right?

You know, your room has a really nice view.

[Sighs]

She was telling me about Dollywood.

Not asking, telling.

Is that what it is now?

I'm the guy that gets told things?

Mike, she's going to Dollywood to sing and dance with Brad.

Other than becoming a nun, that's as safe as it gets.

Grab your toothbrush.

Why we switching rooms again?

Because I'm being blackmailed by an 11-year-old.

She said we'd be square if we traded rooms, and I need to be square.

Nancy is our neighbor, our friend.

And, by the way, have you tasted her caramel popcorn balls?

We never should've let Sue go to East Indy State.

We should've sent her to a school where they teach kids to listen to their parents.

Oh, yeah, the University of Listening to Your Parents has a really long waiting list.

I mean, Mike, she's 19. She's covering the costs.

What is the problem?

I can't believe you're okay with this.

Well, of course I'm gonna miss her, but for Sue, I think this is a good thing.

I mean, she's always been a little more clingy, which of course I love, but I've been worried that she's never gonna leave on her own, so the fact that she wants to do this, I think we should encourage her.

Yeah, well, maybe you're all free-wheeling and chill, but I'm not.

So what're you gonna do? Punish her for getting a job?

Make her sit in the corner and write "I will not work for Dolly Parton" a thousand times?

I don't know, but I'm gonna do something.

I'm not gonna stop being her dad just 'cause she's 18.

19.

Whatever. She's still a kid.

And I'll tell you something else.

She's coming with me to see that rock that looks like a buffalo.

So is everybody else in this family 'cause I said so.

[Knock on door]

Oh, my God, it's her.

Hey, Nance.

Hey, what are you wearing to the dance tonight, the black thing or the blue thing?

The blue.

Oh, okay.

Hey, have you talked to Sean?

'Cause I got it done... He's taking the MCATs.

Yay.

Yes, and I want to thank you, Frankie.

I just don't want to smother you with my gratitude.

Uh...

That's right.

Shelly told me you called me a smotherer.

What? No, no, no, no.

Smother? She must've misheard me.

I think I said, "Wow, that Nancy is some mother."

So-mother. [Chuckles] See?

It sounds kind of like "smother."

Kids are really bad with diphthongs.

Uh-huh.

Oh, it's so hot in here.

What, are they raising iguanas?

[Laughs] What were we talking about?

Oh, how kids lie. How old is Shelly? 11?

Can you really trust them at that age?

And what was she doing in a bar?

That's a little bit weird.

I'm not blaming you.

It's just what kids do to get attention.

They... They lie, start fires.

Frankie, it... it's okay.

I'm not mad.

Really?

Look, people talk about each other.

It's what we do.

But the thing is, deep in your heart, I know you love me, and I love you, too.

I mean, hello!

You're like a sister to me.

I am?

Of course.

And no matter what, I could never stay mad at my sister.

Get over here. Ohh.

Come on, let's go get a couple of those pineapple drinks.

Let's do that, and I'm buying.

Ooh, you know what else they had?

Watermelon Daiquiris. Doesn't that sound good?

I think I'm gonna try that one.

[Gasps]

Oh, my... Oh, my goodness, Frankie!

What happened?

Did you push me?

No. I think you slipped.

See this spot right here? Very slippery.

Oh, my goodness. Let's get you out of there.

Did I really slip, or did Nancy push me?

I kind of hope she pushed me.

Because that would mean maybe, just maybe, there's a little sliver of Nancy that's down in the gutter with the rest of us.

Sue: It's open.

Listen, Sue, I'm sorry, but...

You ready to go?

Uh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, my God, Dad, you were so right.

This place is awesome, especially the rock that looked like a buffalo.

Mike had so much he was going to say, but in that moment, he couldn't say anything 'cause he knew he might be able to stop a girl from going to Dollywood, but he couldn't stop a woman.

[Up-tempo music playing]

May I cut in?

Aww.

Oh. [Laughs]

Okay, Brick, no more tricks.

You see that blonde in the corner?

I'm gonna need you to go over there and bring your d-bag "A" game.

[Clicks tongue] Axl, I don't get this.

You're always great with women.

You have so many moves. Why do you even need me?

[Sighs] I don't know.

I'm just kind of in a slump or something.

Okay, here's the thing.

A couple weeks ago, I saw Devin with some skater guy, and she was all, like, laughing and throwing her hair back.

You know how girls do that?

No. Cindy never laughs.

But I thought you and Devin broke up.

Well, I kind of thought we did, but I-I wasn't sure.

The whole conversation was very confusing.

I guess in the back of my mind, I always figured we'd work it out.

But now it seems like she's moved on.

So when I go back to East Indy, it's just gonna be weird.

Mm.

I'm sorry. Did you say you go to East Indy?

My cousin goes there.

Oh? Okay.

Do you know Zachary Paul?

I'm sorry. That's dumb.

Of course you don't. That's a huge campus.

Yeah, that is kind of dumb.

I mean, no, no, no. You're not dumb.

I don't... It's huge. I mean, the campus.

The campus is huge!

And you're not dumb. You're smart, probably.

I mean, I don't really know you, but, uh...

Hey, sweetcakes.

What's a guy got to do to get a stinkin' refill of Sprite?

Uh, oh, hey.

Sorry, hey, is this guy being a jerk?

b*at it, kid I don't know. Scram! Skedaddle! Scoot!

I'm sorry, you said Zachary Paul, right?

Oh, yeah, sure, I know that guy.

Kind of short, stocky, reddish hair, always wears a Pacers cap?

Not even close.

On any of it?

Well, you got the "guy" part right.

[Chuckles] Okay. Let me see. I'm gonna get this.

Um, oh!

Tall, shaved head, gold earring.

[Chuckles]

No, wait, that's Mr. Clean.

[Laughs]

That was our last family vacation with the Donahues, 'cause the next year they went to Hawaii. And while they were gone, I may or may not have backed over Shelly's bike.