05x08 - Room Mating

[bunniefuu]

All right, Emma, let's see what kind of adventure today brings.

(blender whirs)

Whoo, ha ha!

Looks like we won't have to go very far.

What are you doing?

Oh.

Just making some signature cocktails for the bar. Yeah.

The Tucktini.

The Tuckarita.

And the Long Island Iced Tuck.

You know, which also happens to be my rap name.

Thank god I still have my job bartending for you.

Yeah, about that.

It pains me to see you give up on your dream job.

Yeah, well, I think I need to get a new dream.

'Cause it's not like they're just handing out terrific jobs.

Guess who just got a terrific job!

I just got poached by the best real estate firm in the city.

Wow, great news!

Bad timing.

But I haven't even told you the best part.

I get to hire an assistant.

Right now, I'm deciding between a struggling underwear model, and that hot Jesus impersonator who roams Times Square.

Oh my god, what about Tucker?

Tucker would be an amazing assistant.

Mmm, I don't know.

It'd be weird to sexually harass Tucker.

But you'd get to yell at him, so you'd be getting paid to do something you love.

Well, as they say in the real estate biz: I guess so.

So, what do you say, Tuck? You wanna be my assistant?

No thank you, all right?

And plus, I already have a job at the bar where I'm appreciated and respected.

Tucker, you're fired.

Great. When do I start?

(theme music plays)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Hey, man, thanks again for coming in this morning.

This is the third time Sam's been late.

I swear, if she wasn't so hot, I'd be really pissed.

No worries.

Sorry I'm moving kinda slow this morning.

Slept over at Riley's last night, my neck's k*lling me.

Slept wrong?

Sure. Let's go with that.

You know, I've been spending so much time over there lately, I'm thinking maybe we should move in together, but I'm worried it might be too soon. What do you think?

I think you're not thinking.

You asked her to marry you before you had your first date, and you saw how quickly you regretted that.

Yeah, that was a bad day.

Thanks for the advice, man.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, I know I am super late.

Oh, no, it's cool.

Oh, and one of your buttons is... it was perfect.

I've been commuting from my parents' house in Jersey.

I could not spend one more night with my roommate.

When the cat to person ratio passes five-to-one, I'm out.

But, if I don't find a new place soon, I'm gonna have to quit and find a job closer to home.

Quit?

No, no, no, you can't quit! There's so much we haven't...

There's just so much we haven't.

Unless you know of an amazing place for close to no money, I'm afraid I'm out of here.

I'm out of here!

This is so crazy.

Danny was just telling me he's moving in with Riley, and he needs someone to take his room.

Looks like today is my I... your lucky day!

(phone ringing)

Bonnie Wheeler's office, Tucker Dobbs speaking.

How may I help you?

Mrs. Wheeler, knock it off!

Ha! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just love hearing you say it. "Bonnie Wheeler's office."

Oh, it's time the world finally hears about this woman.

Strong, smart, fearless.

(door opening)

Oh, god, it's my boss, quick, look busy!

Move my 4:00 to 3:00, Bonnie Wheeler's office, can you hold for a little bit?

My 3:00 to 1:00, my 1:00 to 2:00, and my 2:00 to 3:00.

Can you hold?

I don't want any free time. I just want to get out there and sell, sell, sell!

Mmm, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Jumping right in like the pro I knew you were.

Oh, Luis, I just want to thank you so much for this opportunity.

No, thank you.

If you trust me, I guarantee this will be the wildest ride of your life.

Well, that's funny, I'm usually the one that says that.

Walk with me, Bonnie.

Okay.

And we're here.

This is it. My baby.

We have the exclusive rights to all 347 units.

Studios starting at one million dollars.

For a studio?

Mm-hmm.

That's insane... if buyers aren't lining up.

That is why I have you.

All those contacts and famous names you mentioned during your interview?

You should have no problem.

So many accomplishments, and still just 32 years old.

Fantastico!

Wow. Ay, caramba!

You don't have any contacts, do you?

Of course I do.

Hey, Dolores, did you hear?

They're giving away free doughnuts in the break room.

Run, run, run, run, run.

Quick. Copy all the contacts off this, and then wipe it for fingerprints.

Hold the elevator.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey. Sorry, Riles.

It's hard for me to move fast when I've got Emma.

Hey, speaking of moving, when are you and Danny planning on moving in together?

Actually, never mind.

He's probably not ready to give up his room yet.

It's important to have an escape plan.

I'm sorry, an escape what?

Hey, I don't want to get in the middle of anything, but you can't really blame him since you turned down his proposal.

You're obviously not super committed.

Uh, I'm committed, I'm so committed. How am I not committed?

Oh, okay, so you do want to move in together?

What? No.

I mean, I haven't even thought about it.

But if I did think about it, I'd think...

I'd think it was okay.

I think.

Okay, if you don't want to lock it down with him, that's so your business.

(elevator dings)

I'm staying out of it.

Oh, here we are.

See you later, Riles.

I mean, I feel like I'm pretty committed to this rela...

Oh, god!

And now for my second trick, I'll be making Danny disappear.

Hey, bro, so I've been thinking about our conversation, and you gotta stop worrying about it.

I'm sure Riley's not having any second thoughts.

Second thoughts. Who said anything about second thoughts?

Well, you just did, for one.

But hey, it's none of my business.

Though, is it just me, or is it wrong that she always demands you stay at her place, but she's not willing to let you officially move in?

Nah, I'm sure it's just me.

(elevator dings)

Oh, I think I just heard the elevator.

I wonder if that's her?

I'll be right back.

And to think, just five seconds ago, I thought everything was fine.

Pay attention, Emma.

In a couple years you'll be able to manipulate Danny, too.

Danny: What do you mean you're having second thoughts?

Riley: I didn't say that!

Now what could that be?

Why don't you want to live with me?

I don't know, maybe we should try it.

I'd love that!

So would I!

So we're gonna live together?

I guess we are!

Great!

Fantastic!

Should we kiss?

I think so.

Okay, so here's how it goes, Sam moves into Danny's room, Sam falls in love with me, Sam moves into my room, you move into Danny's room.

You got it?

Yeah.

Yeah, high five. Pound it. Woogity woogity.

I am exhausted.

600 attempts, and 600 rejections.

It's like my junior high years before I got these babies.

You know, this is a lot harder than I thought.

I've only manged to get like, 10 offers.

I'm sorry.

Did you say...

10 units!

♪ 10 units in only one day! ♪

Bonnie Wheeler has just sold 10 units!

That's unbelievable!

The rest of you are all fired.

No, you're not. I love you.

But you could be!

How did you do it?

W... Well, I... I...

Yeah, I'll tell you how she did it, she hired an amazing assistant... who pumped her full of coffee, so she could sell, sell, sell.

(laughing)

Exactly what he said.

Brilliant. Keep up the good work.

You. You actually are fired.

Oh my god, thank you, Tucker, for selling and not selling me out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go into my office, and figure out how to sell some condos.

Sorry, Dolores.

Doughnuts are for closers.

Sam: I love it. It's perfect.

Are you sure this isn't gonna be weird?

No, not weird at all.

In fact, it allows me to prove that I'm past the crazy idea that there was something between us.

There was never anything between us.

Perfect. Then we're on the same page.

Now, I don't know about you, but this is the time of night when I like to unwind with a glass of wine, (Knocking) and then maybe I'll...

Hey, babe!

Hey, babe.

Hi.

Babe?

Blake, this is my roomie, Ben. Ben, Blake.

Hey, bro.

You guys are gonna be seeing a lot of each other.

You have to see my room.

(screaming)

Blake. Bye bye, Sam.

Danny's moving back home.

Hey.

Oh, hey, you're home.

Yeah. Yeah, you wanna know how you find that out?

If you knocked or called or rang the doorbell.

Really, there are so many choices.

Sorry. Is Danny home?

He left this at our place.

Oh, he's at the gym. He'll be home any minute.

And you can keep that. It won't fit here.

It's too, um... It won't fit here.

Oh, okay.

Okay, so that's what Danny was talking about.

Uh, I'm sorry, what was Danny talking about?

Oh, nothing, nothing. No big deal.

Something about walking on egg shells.

The word "intense" may or may not have been thrown around.

I really can't remember.

But it would be weird not to have second thoughts after jumping into something so huge without really thinking it through.

Ah! I wouldn't worry about it.

Hey, man, early morning workout.

Great idea. Perfect way to relieve some of that stress.

What stress? There's no stress.

Whoa, calm down, man!

It's okay, I'm your brother.

So what if this move is too much, too soon.

Too much, too soon? Who said that?

Well, you just did, for one.

Oh, never mind.

I'm sure you won't regret it for the rest of your life.

Oh, here's your snowboard.

(murmuring frantically)

Oh, hey, Tucker, there you are.

Hey, do I seem jittery to you?

I think I invented something this morning called "super coffee."

It's a combination of regular coffee and some pills I found in Dolores's desk.

What is wrong with you?

Wait, have you been here all night?

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

Hey, did you know that people don't like to be cold-called at 3:00 a.m.?

Yeah, definitely b*rned some bridges.

But I started calling Japan, where it's 10:00 a.m. Konichiwa.

And it worked.

And I sold two units.

I mean, I know it's not your 10, but it's a start.

It's a start. It's a start.

Actually it's 11.

I sold another one on the way in.

(phone beeps)

Ooh, make that 12.

Oh, my god.

Of course you did.

Because you are perfect and talented, and I am just a total nothing with nowhere to go but down!

Oh my god, don't even look at me!

Oh, god.

(sobbing)

Well, you know...

Mrs. Wheeler, maybe real estate just isn't your thing?

Shut up!

Oh, my god!

Ah, I see what's going on now, huh.

What?

This is all a big plan.

Play the mild-mannered assistant. You know, "Bonnie Wheeler's office, how may I steal your business and destroy your career?"

Get out!

I am so gone!

Oh my god, you can't leave me!

I am nothing without you!

Okay, okay!

Okay, okay, we have really got to work on getting these mood swings under control.

I know. I know. I know, I know, I know, you're right.

You know, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just, last night I just kept having these visions of you marching into Luis's office and telling him that you sold all those listings and I'm a complete fraud.

I would never tell him that.

But you just did.

Walk with me, Bonnie.

Come on.

I don't wanna.

It's okay.

Well, this just got a little harder.

Hey, roomie.

Um, Sam, I have some bad news.

Things aren't going so well with Danny and Riley, and Danny needs his room back.

Really?

Oh, that sucks.

Just got the bathroom clean enough to use it.

Well, hey, maybe you can stay at your boyfriend Blake's place?

Though, you are still welcome to do your yoga here.

Blake's not my boyfriend, but he would probably love to be your boyfriend.

I'm not...

Oh, my god.

Gay best friend.

Totally got it. Can you excuse me for just two seconds?

Oh, hey, Ben.

That way, that way, that way!

Hey, what's Sam doing in our place?

Things I've only dreamed of.

What are you doing with all your stuff?

Oh, Riley helped me realize that we shouldn't move in together yet.

Thank god I still have an old room.

Oh, my god, dude, do you know anything about women?

She was just testing you to see if you're really committed.

But I'm totally committed.

Says the guy walking out the door.

Now you get back in there, and you show her how committed you can be, all right?

Get back in there, tiger.

Okay.

Okay. False alarm.

I think those two crazy lovebirds are gonna be just fine.

Am I the only one who sees the wet, naked man in the living room?

This is Ludo.

Now, he is my boyfriend.

'Sup, little guy?

Excuse me for two seconds.

Danny: Well, maybe if you weren't always testing me like I'm some kind of lab rat, we could work this out!

We're done!

Oh, oh, we are not done until I say we're done!

We're done.

You're done?

What have I done?

Danny, wait!

Well that's the fastest I've ever been fired.

And that includes the job I got and forgot to go to.

You know what the worst part is?

You don't even care about real estate, and you're good at it.

I care and I fail.

But this isn't even what I want to do with my life.

Okay? You know, I still want to become an entertainment reporter.

Yeah, well, a good time to mention that might have been when Luis gave you my job.

Yeah, I might have got caught up in the moment.

I just wish there was some way I could get a second chance.

(elevator dings)

Oh, so you're saying you're sorry you wasted all these months dating me?

No, I'm saying I wasted the last 20 years being in love with you!

Okay, guys, I don't know who put these crazy thoughts in your head, but this has to stop.

Danny, come on!

Yeah, just walk away, Wheeler!

I mean, that's what you do best!

Oh, hey, guys, what's up?

Oh, my god, Riley, what happened?

Did you and Danny break up?

Because I have got a lot on my plate today, and I cannot be here to pick up the pieces.

No, we're fine.

Okay, Ben tricked Danny and me into moving in together so he could move Sam into your place.

So, we're just teaching him a little lesson.

Wait, Ben got Sam to move in?

Oh, god, he makes me so proud sometimes.

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

Oh. You're dead to me, Danny Wheeler!

Wait, I think I know how to get my job back.

Luis overheard us telling the truth.

What if he overheard us again, only this time, the truth is a lie?

That's dishonest, disrespectful, and despicable.

So you're in?

I thought that was clear.

See, the lights are on.

I told you he works late.

You ready?

What are you doing here, Bonnie Wheeler?

I'm trying to get my job back, remember?

Oh, we're doing it now.

I know what you did, Tucker Dobbs!

You lied about all those sales just to get my job!

Yes, but Luis will never find out!

I'll destroy him like I destroyed you!

I don't hear anything.

These walls must be really thick.

Maybe we should make more of a commotion?

Oh. Oh, I can make a commotion.

(grunting)

Allow me.

What are you doing here, Tucker?

I just found out that you were the one who... Oh, dammit!

He's not even here.

I should have known this would never work.

Thank you for trying to help me.

But you know, I think I want to get my job back the right way.

I just need to tell Luis the truth.

Bonnie, Tucker?

What are you doing here?

Tucker lied about everything! I tried to stop him!

That works too.

Is this true?

Yup. Yeah, I'm a horrible person.

Tucker, you're fired.

Bonnie, how can I make it up to you?

Walk with me, Luis.

First of all, you really should fire that Dolores.

She's a bit of a pill-popper.

So, do you think we should let him off the hook?

I think he's suffered enough.

Oh, that's so sweet that you want to go easy on him.

Okay, but I want blood.

Just follow my lead.

Lead? What lead?

There you are. Thank you guys so much for coming.

Why did you call us here?

If he's here, I don't want to be here.

Yeah, if he's here... wait, if she's here, I don't want to be here.

Okay, okay, okay, everyone just needs to take a deep breath, all right?

You guys cannot break up over something so silly.

I mean, who even remember who started it?

I know I don't.

You know, it doesn't matter how it started.

The point is that it's ended.

Yeah, it's ended.

Or has it?

(guitar music plays)

Danny and Riley, this is your love.

You met on a crisp fall morning at the kindergarten bus stop.

You were inseparable during your young years, your teen years, and even your awkward years.

Coincidentally, those were all the same.

And plus, if you guys don't stay together, these angels will never be born.

Oh, they're so cute.

Kids? Why would I want to have kids with him?

He is the laziest man that has ever lived.

Just yesterday, I asked him to paint the apartment.

But did he?

I'll do it! I'll do it! I love painting!

Yeah. Yeah, well, what... what about the fact that he never stops your family from just barging in any time?

I mean, does anybody not have a key to my apartment?

Here's mine! Here's mine.

And I'll get everyone else's, I promise.

Well... what am I supposed to do about the issue of his bar schedule?

When he's not playing hockey, he's working.

I'll cover all of his shifts.

Anything else, please, guys, just don't break up.

And you're sure you're cool with living with Sam and her boyfriend?

Oh, my god, the coolest.

Sort of.

So, what do you guys say?

I mean, sure, that sounds great.

Okay.

Ready to go home, babe?

Sounds good to me.

Okay.

(sighs)

Yes.

Hey, how'd you guys know about Sam?

Damn it!

Who else was in on this?

Hey, wanna join me?

Ah, no, I'm good.

Wouldn't want to get in the way of you and Ludo.

Actually, Ludo and I just broke up.

I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened?

He was jealous that I was living with a cute guy.

But it's okay. He wasn't the one.

So, the one is still out there somewhere?

We'll see.

(knocking)

That must be my date.

See ya.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(screaming)