01x10 - Family Portrait

[bunniefuu]

♪

Code blue CCUD! I need a crash cart!

Mom?

Page Dr. Barnes for me. Okay, call in the code.

Chip: Mom!

Okay, Jeepers.

I mean, it's takin' forever in there. Mama's probably dead.

And the doctors are probably gettin' their story straight to avoid a malpractice lawsuit.

Dale, it's only been 45 minutes.

The doctor said it could take a few hours.

[Sighs] Lord, please just...

Get us through this so I can get on with my life.

Well, I think you're both being really brave.

I'm gonna go take a walk, go clear my head, get out of here.

Who walks in California?

I love Chip, but he can be a dingleberry, can't he?

I think he has a lot of good qualities.

Well, he's got a nice head of hair.

So do I.

He's got nice eyes. And so do I.

He's got a nice tush.

So do I.

You know we're twins.

Yeah.

Identical.

I did know that.

Yeah, we share DNA. That's about it.

[Heavy sigh]

It's stressful, isn't it, all this.

This is the first time you and I have been alone together.

I could use a drink.

[Phone line ringing]

Hello?

Penelope, hi, it's Chip.

Chips. What do you want?

I'm calling to let you know that, uh, Mom's not gonna meddle you know, business anymore. So...

What do you mean? You k*lled her?

No! I mean k*ll her? No, I haven't.

So, I was wondering, you know should I come to... to France, do you want to come back to Bakersfield?

You know, let's get this goin' again.

I think we should get back together.

Do... you should listen to your mother.

I'm... I'm no good for people.

I'm a messed up person, you know?

I... I was a fantasy for you.

And-and you were a fantasy for me, and an escape plan.

You understand?

It's... it's not real.

Chips?

Are you crying?

Yes.

Chips.

Don't be sad, okay?

You're not that kind of "cloon."

♪ In the morning when I wake up ♪
♪ there's a picture in my head ♪

I like your selection of grooves, Martha.

Thanks, Dale.

♪ I'll be waiting at the same place ♪

Mm, mm, I haven't heard this one in a long time.

Oh, yeah.

[Humming]

Dale, you're really different from Chip.

I'm a live wire, ain't I?

You are, kind of.

Mm, mm. Oh, gosh, I love a mimosa.

Here, have a sip of that.

Okay.

Let me take these.

You look so much better with your glasses off.

Um, Dale are you, um, putting out a sex vibe?

[Chuckles] Maybe a little bit.

Sure.

Really?

I thought you were married.

Oh, Nicole.

She's a pain in my butt.

She doesn't understand me.

[Whispers] She doesn't like me.

Really?

Yes.

You know I sleep in the car?

In the driveway.

I didn't know you slept in the car.

It's true.

Well...

I just want to take my mind off all this family business, you know.

Mm-hm.

And I think I know what will take my mind off of it.

Dale, um, what... [Laughs]

Martha, please.

Dale, what...

Let me just get inside your car, please.

No Dale, stop! Stop!

Look, if we are gonna do this, let's do this right.

Okay, let's take it slow...

Martha: Yeah, that's it, Dale.

Dale: Yep.

Martha: Right there.

Dale: Yep!

Martha: Don't stop.

Dale: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

[Moaning]

Ahh!

Oh.

Ah, I'm so dry.

[Monitor beeping]

All: Surprise!

Hi.

Oh, surprise.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Thanks for the warning.

Go say hi to her.

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, here you go, dear.

Don't break those.

Speech! Speech!

Uh, well, comas are no fun.

Cut. Hold on one second. We gotta take that again.

So sorry.

Okay, and action.

Uh, comas are no fun.

And when you wake up, you want to get a bucket list, even though I don't like the word bucket.

[Laughs]

So I want to do some things.

I'm gonna look through a telescope.

I'm gonna go down to Pixar and watch 'em make one of those movies.

And I'm gonna have some shark fin soup before all the sharks are gone.

And, more importantly, I want us to take a brand new family photo.

Well, I could do that right now.

I got a camera right in front of my face, mama.

Dale, we'll get it done professionally, okay?

Come on in. Come in, please, I'm starving.

Oh, hi, Mother.

[Balloon popping]

Oh! [Exhales]

[Camera shutter clicking]

Dale?

Hey, Martha.

Turn around, that's really nice!

Put those idiots down!

Hey Dale!

Everything is a fog, even today, I was very foggy.

This morning, couldn't figure out the word for doughnuts.

And you know I love doughnuts.

That should be right at the front of my brain.

Cake.

Oh.

And it's sugar free.

Oh. Looks like cork.

I think it's nuts.

Yeah. Oh.

[Beeping]

[Camera shutter clicking]

Oh, is that my, uh...

It's her diabetes alarm goin' off.

Yes.

Oh, is it in your purse?

Can you get the purse, please?

I have to prick my finger.

Here, Grandma.

Oh, girls, you're a lifesaver.

Chip, help me with this.

Is she having a stroke?

No, she's not having a stroke.

Christine: You should have a stroke.

Thank you very much.

Is this it?

Grandma.

Oh, here it is.

W... watch that.

You might get a diabete.

Now, how does it work?

Martha, can you look at Google what we're supposed to do with this pricker thing?

Hey, guys, I'm gonna have to close Skype for a minute so that I can Google something for your mom.

Can you repeat that again?

Is there a... is there a note from a doctor or anything, or instructions? Is there instructions?

I know, I'm gonna get up and get... ohh!

Ohh!

Hey, Mom.

Dale: What's goin' on here?

Mom, you want some, uh, mango drink?

[Groans]

What's goin' on here?

Yes.

What's the matter with you?

I went up... I got up, I'm lightheaded.

We are not going back to the hospital.

I got it. I got it, got it.

Just a little bit of... Here, Mom.

Oh, thank you.

[Slurping]

Mm.

Big sips.

More. More, more, more.

Take big, big sips.

Good, good, good.

Good. Okay.

[Groaning]

Here. Is that better?

Prick my finger, dear.

I don't...

Nicole: I don't know if she knows how to do that.

I'm sorry I got diabetes, everyone.

None of you know what you're doing.

Oww!

Oh, god.

Sarah, what did you do?

Ohh!

God almighty, Sarah!

Grandma.

I'm not sure I can go through that daily.

Ohh!

Mom?

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm sorry for everything, you guys.

But I'm a diabetic.

Just stick with me on this until I get the hang of it.

Roy green, home care professional. Mm-hmm. Okay.

I was raised by my grandmother, so I've been working with the elderly my whole life.

Oh, my goodness. Got your CNA from Baskets career college.

Yes, sir.

Do I look familiar to you?

Mumum...

No only am I the bean, I'm a student.

"And I'm also the janitor." You're the guy from the commercial, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that part, man.

Yeah.

Well, you're hired. You're... you're hired.

I mean, this is fantastic.

You're gonna love Mom. She's a... she's a sweet lady.

So we just need you for three months, just so she can get back on her feet.

How much is this gonna cost?

Okay, well, it's 30 an hour.

Or for live-in, it's a thousand a week.

Jesus Christ! I'm in the wrong business, I guess.

[Stammering] Oh, that's a little...

I guess we could split it.

I barely make any money.

Yeah, he has no money. He's a...

How much you get paid at the rodeo?

That's like 80 dollars a week.

80 dollars a week.

Look, mama is a diabetic.

She's not a "betic."

There is "die" in there. She could die.

And we can't handle this kind of thing.

Roy here can help us, okay?

We don't know what we're doing.

I mean, she's gotta be taken to the toilet.

She's gotta be fed. You take people to the toilet?

Yes. Sure.

One and two? For numbers one and two?

Yeah.

See? You can't do that.

You can barely wipe your own butt.

Look, this is a serious matter, Chip.

'Cause we need to employ Roy, okay?

Because if she relies on us, she's gonna die, and she's gonna take us with her.

And I don't feel like going to heaven right now.

You're hired, and we'll see you on Monday.

Okay?

It's time to grow up, okay?

You need a real j-o-b, and that spells "job."

You understand?

Hi, I'm Joseph Dunn, vice president of human resources here at Arby's.

You've chosen a great career path.

Welcome to the family.

Man: Yo, Chip?

All we had was an XL. That'll fit you, though, right?

Yeah. Thank you.

All right, man.

Suit up. We'll catch you out there.

Thanks, Arby.

It's Jody.

Man: Christine, just remember that if I'm not here, blue is in the morning, and purple is at night.

Mama: I got it.

Man: You got it.

Oh, hey, are you Chip?

Or Dale?

Where's Roy?

This is Sebastian. He used to be the nurse to the Chemical Brothers' mother.

Guilty as charged. Nice to meet you.

Now he's my nurse, and you don't have to worry about a thing, because Logan and Cody are paying for it out of their joint savings account.

But I thought Dale and I were taking care of the nursing situation.

Well, that's very nice of you, but you keep that money.

You put that in a savings or a checking account.

You could have your own personalized checks.

I am so proud of you for getting that job.

And you look happier, too.

Sebastian: Hey, Chip, buddy.

I'm gonna move your mom to the downstairs bedroom.

It's gonna give her more freedom. Maybe you can help me out with that Chip.

Can I put this here?

[Ununderstandable dialogue]

Mama: You know, I was their coach. We went 25 and 0.

Sebastian: Really? What a major record.

Mama: They wanted us to quit one day and forfeit the game, 'cause we had so many runs, but I said no.

[Sebastian chuckles]

[Engine starts]

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, fellas! Hey, guys?

Hey, boys!

Be careful! My dad fell off that bridge!

Yeah, he fell off!

He jumped off of it, but...

[Sighs, slurps]

[Machine whirs]

Martha, hi.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

No. How did you get back here?

Just got in. Just walked right through the door.

Why are you wearing that uniform?

Oh, I had to get a day job to pay a gentleman to help my mom take a dump.

Hmm.

So, uh, that's what that's about.

And, um, you know, I was just driving around, and I wanted to know if you needed a ride or anything.

Um, well...

I have my mom's car, if you want to just, I don't know, take a nice drive or...

Um, well, I have my car here.

It's not a competition.

Just do it, Martha. Just come on.

Yeah, okay. All right.

Yeah?

Yeah, let's go.

Okay, let's go.

I don't know, I think I'll like it.

Get all the free lemonade I want.

I can, you know, switch shifts with any of the fellas, which is convenient.

Well, you know, the pay is...

Nothing to really sneeze at.

How was your day?

Are you acting weird because I had sex with Dale?

[Tires screech]

Martha: I'm sorry, Chip. I thought you knew.

Martha told me that you found out about our little sex romp in the van.

Can I take your order?

And you know, you're my brother, and I wanted to come to you and let you know that I love Martha, okay?

No, you don't.

I do. I love her.

I do. She makes me feel alive.

No, she doesn't.

She does.

And I don't care who knows it.

I don't care who knows it, Arby's!

She makes me feel alive!

Is there a problem here?

Oh, just a ornery customer, sir.

I'm trying to figure it out here.

I found a dead sea turtle in my curly fries.

That's not true, sir. That's not true.

But it's okay.

This young gentleman helped me out. Very helpful.

I don't know if you give bonuses, but he deserves one.

Jody: Unfortunately, we don't actually give bonuses, but we do have a very competitive wage increase for employees who stick around.

Oh, that's good to know.

I'm crazy about her, okay?

Because she excites me.

She gets my loins craving for her loins.

Do you understand what that's like?

Look, Martha is my friend, okay?

She was my friend first. You stay away from her.

I'm an artist too inside, you know that?

I may be a little jealous watching and you laugh.

Running around with all kinds of womans.

Going off to Europe, painting your face up like a clown.

That looks like fun.

Do I look like I'm having fun here?

You think I'm having fun sitting at home being world's greatest Dad?

That's not any fun. So guess what.

I'm moving in with you and mama.

I'm afr... I'm afraid you cannot do that.

Dale, you cannot do that.

I can. I'm going to.

You know what? Joke's on you because Nicole and the kids already kicked me out.

It's my turn to be a twerp.

Man: I'll have the number 3 combo.

Hello. You hear me? Number 3 combo.

Penelope: I was a fantasy for you.

[Sigh]

Dale: Mama is a diabetic. She could die.

No!

Martha: Are you acting weird because I had sex with Dale?

Christine: I am so proud of you for getting that job.

Okay. With tax, that's going to be 6.35.

What's... what's this?

Combo number 3.

That's bullshit!

No, it's combo number 3: Max roast beef.

Yeah, that's what you asked for, right?

You call this sandwich?

What's going on, Chip?

[Sigh]

Look, I got a lot of family issues going on right now.

Okay? You probably want to fire me.

No, man. You'll get used to it.

Go ahead. Take the rest of the day off, okay?

You're Arby's family now, my man, and Arby takes care of his own.

What about me?

We'll go ahead and get that taken care of in just a second, man.

Just go home, get cleaned up and get this all straightened out, all right?

Okay.

Thanks, Arby.

It's Jody.

Yeah.

This crap. This no combo 3.

I'm really sorry about this, sir.

This isn't a normal representation of Arby's food.

We'll go ahead and get this taken care of.

Uh, hold on. We're waiting for one more.

I'm so sorry to hear about Nicole,you know, it was never gonna work though.

She is practically from another planet!

Where is Chip?

He ain't gonna be here, like I asked.

Flaked again.

Well, you can't blame him.

He's just like his father.

Always flaking on the family.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'll never flake on the family. That's for sure.

It'll be good to have you home, Dale.

Thank you. Mr. Photographer, will you go ahead and take the picture?

Okay. And, uh, Mr. Photographer.

I want to do something real quick.

Just, uh, take a picture of me here.

Okay, do that, Photoshop that image and my image right there, and I'll see you later. Okay?

Hey, take a couple of singles, will you?

[Beeping]

Oh.

Don't worry about it.

Get me an apple, though.

[Beeping continues]

[Clicking tongue]

Throwing away a lot of good cowboy hats there.

Damn shame, isn't it?

Got ourselves a cease and desist order from the humane society.

And I have to close up shop, shut the rodeo down.

Reckon I'll ride out west, hold me up a train, get my ass all sh*t up, die in a creek somewhere.

Eddie, I'm a clown. I need this place.

What am I going to do?

Oh, hell, you'll be a clown whether this place is here or not.

[Horse whinnies]

Yeah, that's part of the problem.

Well, don't cry to me. I ain't your daddy.

[Splash]

[Whistle blows]

[Whistle blows]

[Whistle blows]

[Whistle blows]