03x09 - Young & Lottery

[bunniefuu]

(sing-songy) Good morning.

No, great morning.

Ooh! Look at you all cheery!

Did you have whiskey in your coffee too?

Uh, so do you remember when Josh told me that I should start dating again and I was really sad?

Well, I'm not anymore. You wanna know why?

One moment.

Ah. Okay, lay it on me.

Well, because I'm back on the market, Yolanda.

I signed up for this new dating app called "What's Cookin'?" for single foodies like me, and 48 guys already sent me a hot pepper.

Ooh!

Show me the biggest one.

No. Yolanda, a hot pepper is like a wink, and I got tons of 'em.

Oh, I get it. That's how you know they wanna get jalapeño business.

Exactly, and that's when I realized enough about Josh.

There are a million Joshes in the sea!

See?

Ooh, he's cute.

His name's Conrad. He's six-one, he has a successful clothing business, and he's taking me to a new tapas bar tonight.

(gasps) A topless bar on the first date?!

No. Tapas.

Conrad is looking for commitment, unlike other people who live in this penthouse.

(knocking, door opening)

Ladies, by midnight tonight, we are all gonna be filthy rich!

Uh-oh. What'd you do?

Everyone at Soul Spin was talking about the Mega Ball Jackpot, and the drawing's tonight, so I thought should all go in on a ticket.

Oh, I'm sorry, but according to my gamblers anonymous rules, I'm not allowed to participate.

Well, it's up to $500 million.

Well, good thing it's anonymous!

Are you doing the Mega Ball? I'm in.

I'll take number three.

That's how many months before Alan and I go broke.

They raised the rent on the karaoke bar and he lost the lease.

Oh, my God! What is he gonna do?

That's what I asked.

Does he have any other skills?

That's what I asked.

Poor Alan. Is he okay?

That's what I didn't ask.

No wonder he's mad at me!

Oh, my God, I am so loving today.

I am so over Josh, I have a really hot date tonight, and we're gonna win the lottery.

It's blue skies and sunshine from here on out.

(thunder crashing)

Oh. You hear that, people? That's the winds of change a'blowin'.

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

What are you doing?

I am de-Kaminski-ing our apartment.

Anything Josh has given me, I am throwing away.

Oh, like this electric fork that automatically twirls your spaghetti up.

(whirring)

I love that fork.

Well, get over it! It's gone!

(clank)

So do I look cute for my date? Like hot pepper cute?

You look amazing, but, uh... didn't Josh buy you that jacket?

Oh, good catch!

And, uh, what about the car he bought ya?

Let's not go crazy.

Hey, what's all that for?

Well, Elliot and Yolanda are coming over tonight to watch the Mega Ball Lottery numbers being drawn, and I just bought our winning ticket.

Oh, that's right! Hey, what time are we becoming millionaires?

I, uh, might invite Conrad back with me to watch.

Uh, no, no. What if you win?

Then you'll never know if he likes you for you of your money.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, it's him.

All right, have fun. I'm gonna go put on a sports bra so when we win and I jump up and down, my boobs don't go flyin'!

Hi.

Hi, I'm Conrad.

And wow, do you look better than your picture.

Oh, thank you.

I'm really excited to go to that tapas bar you were talking about.

Oh, it just started to rain. You better put on a jacket.

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Trust me... it's the only time I'll be asking you to put on clothes.

So, Josh, in our last appointment, we talked about you letting Gabi start dating.

How'd that go?

I guess it went fine. I don't feel great about it.

I mean, I want her to be happy, but I want her to be happy with me.

Is it hot in here?

That's your follow-up question at 300 bucks an hour?

Josh?

Hm?

Are you staring at me?

No.

Mm-mm.

It's not a crime to look at my body.

Is it a crime to touch it? (chuckles) I'm kidding! I am so kidding.

Which part would you like to touch?

Can I pick two?

What's happening?

What is happening?

This is so happening.

Oh, God.

Josh!

(both scream)

Oh... Oh, my God.

Oh, it was a dream.

Well, speaking of dreams, you made mine come true.

Thank you so much for letting me redo your office.

What?

Wait, you mean Elliot didn't tell you about how they raised the rent on my karaoke bar, "Me Sing? I Could Never. Okay."

And now I'm pursuing my passion for interior design, which my first project is to redo your office for a reasonable, yet generous fee?

Uh... no.

Oy, I can't believe that man.

This is so embarrassing. I'm horrified... like you must be every time you walk into this hellhole of an office.

You okay?

Alan... have you ever been in therapy?

Please. I'm Jewish, gay, and I witnessed a m*rder.

Better question is have I ever been out of therapy.

Okay. I want to talk to you about something, but you have to promise not to say anything to anyone.

Nothing leaves this room... other than those hideous leather football helmets, God willing.

Okay, so...

The dream I was having, was a sex dream... about my therapist.

Seriously? That's nothing to worry about.

I've had sex dreams about my mother, my rabbi, you, and that was all in one dream.

Yeah, but the whole point of me going to therapy was to fix my commitment issues with Gabi.

Gabi's the one I want. I don't want to start falling for Dr. Rounds.

Oh, bubala please.

You're not falling for her. It's called transference.

Your feelings for Gabi are being projected onto your doctor.

It's all part of the process.

It is?

Yes.

It's totally natural.

Unlike this laminate flooring, which, hello, you're a millionaire.

So what do I do about it?

This is the whole reason you're paying a therapist.

You have to tell her about your dream.

Oh, it's so embarrassing.

Joshua.

Fine, I'll tell her.

And anything you want to tell me?

You're hired.

What? Me design? I could never. Okay.

Gabi, tonight was amazing.

You're amazing. I'm amazing.

Yes, so many things are amazing.

Well, good night.

(chuckles)

I know what that's code for.

"Break me off a piece of that Conrad."

No. No codes here. Good night.

Hey, hey, hey!

What are you doin'?

Coming in for a "drink."

And just so you know, I'm not one of those guys who ditches right after.

I'm a primo cuddler.

You'll find that out soon, Little Spoon.

Ew. Enough, okay?

I've been trying to be nice, but you're gross. You need to leave.

Wait, you're rejecting me?

You used the wrong spelling of "your" twice in your profile, but I still thought, "Hey, let's give the cute, dumb girl a chance."

Me dumb? You dumb!

That soup you sent back for being too cold was gazpacho!

You're not a foodie at all!

I bet you just go on every dating website there is.

Uh, yeah. It's called a numbers game, dummy.

See you never!

See you never-er!

Oh, my God, I could scream!

(all scream)

What? What? What? What?!

We just won!

Oh, my God, we won $500 million?

No! We only got five of the numbers!

So why are we jumping?!

Because we still won $500,000!

Oh, my God! I should have worn a sports bra too.

So where's the ticket? Get the freaking ticket!

Relax, okay? It's right... here.

All: Oh, my God, oh, my God...

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

What, what, what?

I put the ticket in the jean jacket and now the jacket's not here!

The jacket's not here!

(chuckles)

The look on your faces right now is so great because what happened was I was going on my date with Conrad and I borrowed Sofia's jean jacket instead, and that's why I'm wearing it... a-right... a-now.

I'm not wearing it, am I?

Okay, Conrad's still not picking up and his voice mail's full.

And he's not answering because he hates you.

I hate you. Everybody hates you. This is all your fault.

Okay, yes, I left the jacket in his car.

But in my defense, who hides a lottery ticket in a jacket?

Who wears a jean jacket on a first date, Reba?

Hey! It was raining!

I just found the u-ugliest jacket I could find!

Oh, "ugly"? "Ugly"? Let me tell you something about ugly, you jacket thief!

No, let me tell you something about...

Stop it, you cackling b*tches!

Listen, this is not my fault, okay?

You know whose fault it is? Josh's. If he didn't have his commitment issues, which forced me to start dating, I never would have met Conrad and I never would have had to wear Sofia's ugly jacket. Boom! Josh's fault!

It's not my fault! It's called transference!

Did Alan say some... thing? What you guys talking about?

Somebody lost a lottery ticket. What are you talking about?

Breakfast.

I want to have breakfast in my office.

Can you please transference those scones into my office?

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Drop the scone and pick up your phone.

Okay, fine. But I don't know why you think after I called him a thousand times he's just suddenly gonna pick up.

Conrad: Hello?

Conrad!

Hey, I got your 40 messages. What's up, Desperate?

I can't do this. I hate him. I hate him. Okay, fine.

Hey, Conrad.

It turns out I... I'm down for that... primo cuddle.

So, why don't you drive here in your car and do that now?

Sorry, Little Spoon, I'm still in my PJs.

But I would be willing to let you make me dinner tonight.

And since we're both foodies, I'll bring you Conrad's famous cannoli.

Oh, okay. You make cannoli?

Nope.

(beep)

(thunder crashes)

Wow.

That is some storm out there, huh?

Josh, that's the third time you've said that.

In your message, you said you really needed to talk and asked me to squeeze you in.

(chuckles) I never said anything about squeezing anything.

Josh.

Fine.

I had... a dream... that was... sexual in nature, involving sex.

Huh. Was anyone else in it?

There was, there was, there was a woman.

And the woman who it was was...

(phone rings)

I'm sorry. It only rings through if it's an emergency.

Just a moment.

(ringing continues)

Hello?

What?

Oh, my God! I am on my way.

A car skidded in the rain and hit my dog.

I am sorry. I have to get to the animal hospital.

(keys plop)

Damn it.

Um, hey, you... you can't drive (groans) like this. Okay? I'll take you. It's raining cats and dogs out there.

I am so sorry.

Sexy! Perfect diversion! He won't be able to keep his eyes off of you.

(groans) Well, as long as he can keep his hands off of me.

Yeah, well, just keep picturing $500,000.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, he's here.

Just put on that big, giant smile.

Okay, you have exactly four minutes to get his keys and get into his car to get the jacket before I k*ll...

Conrad!

Hey, doll. I knew you'd come crawling back.

Oh, yeah, well, you know me so well. (chuckles) I'm a little creepy crawler.

Yes, you are.

Ha ha, that tickles.

Hello, Conrad. I'm Sofia, the roommate. Can I take your jacket?

And the clothes are coming off already.

(laughs)

(both laugh)

Okay, well, you two have fun.

All right, we will. You have fun doing whatever you're doing as fast as you possibly can!

(door closes)

It's not up here! You guys find anything?

No. There's nothing back here.

Yolanda? Aah!

(muffled screams)

Ew, licorice.

What the hell?!

I get low blood sugar.

You ever hear of a purse, bitch?

So, Conrad... can I get you anything? Um, beer, wine, or... we could just do sh*ts till you pass out.

Trying to get me drunk.

I know that game.

You wanna kiss me, don't you?

I don't... wanna rush it.

No, I'm the kind of girl that likes to get to know a guy first.

I'm 28, I run an online clothing store, and I love Billy Joel.

Let's do this.

(phone chimes)

Oh, damn it.

Problem, babe?

Uh, no. No problem.

It's just that I borrowed my roommate's jacket for our date last night and now she can't find it.

Oh, you left it in my car.

But it's not in your car. Probably.

That's right. I brought it up to my place.

But here's a plan.

You can get it on our third date... so you don't get cold the next morning.

(chuckles) Can't wait for that.

So where do you live exactly?

Okay, this is Conrad's place.

Yolanda, you guard the door, Elliot, you watch out for neighbors.

I'll get the jacket.

Oh, screw that.

We're coming in to help you look.

Yolanda, it's a jean jacket. How hard can it be to find?

Oh, my damn.

Oh, my denim.

So, you wanna do it "Lady and the Tramp" style?

Oh, you mean, like, each taking the ends of the spaghetti in our mouths?

Nope.

(slurps)

(phone rings)

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this.

It's my... chael Bolton.

Hey, Michael.

Gabi, I'm looking at literally a thousand denim jackets.

It's like the clothing store from Brokeback Mountain.

Elliot: Oh, my God! Look at this!

Hold on. I think Elliot might have found it.

Subtly studded with breakaway sleeves.

Viola! It's a vest!

I can't quit it.

Oh, let me see those. Thank you.

Find! The! Jacket! Fool!

Okay, well, hurry. Please hurry.

Is there a problem?

Oh, no. My friend is just having a little trouble.

Finding this?

(gasps)

(thunder crashes)

I can't believe Sigmund's still in surgery.

Look, I know it's hard, but you should really try to relax.

Hey! Usually it's you saying that to me.

I know it's cliché, but he's my best friend.

You know what would help me get my mind off things?

If we continued with your session.

Right here, right now?

It would help me focus on something other than Sigmund.

Please?

Okay.

(exhales loudly)

So... (sighs) like I was saying, I've been having this... sexual dream about...

I'm sorry!

(sobs)

Thank you.

Oh, my God, you had that ticket the whole time?!

Why didn't you just go cash it?! Why would you make me sit through this whole night with you with your gross come-ons and your sleazy innuendos and your fog of Euro-trash body spray?!

Gabi, Gabi, Gabi. I did it for this.

For what?!

To watch you squirm.

I liked you, Gabi. I liked you a lot and you threw it all away.

Let this be a $500,000 lesson.

Hasta la bye-bye.

No, no, no. Hey, hey! No! You're not leaving with that ticket.

Oh, you're gonna stop me? You and what army?

Where is it?

Give us our ticket.

Let me ask you something, buddy.

Does this come in white?

Everybody back off!

There's no way any of you are getting this ticket.

And there is no way I'd ever choke you out, wrap you in a shower curtain, and dump you in the East Bay.

Fine. You want it?

Come and get it.

I'm out.

I'm in. Ladies.

(screams)

Run, Elliot! Work those stubby...

You're never getting this ticket from my hands!

Never! (chuckles) Oh!

Oh, no?

(chuckles) It's mine!

You'll never see this ticket again!

I'm rich!

(thunder crashes)

All: Nooooo!

So this ticket is gone forever, and yet Conrad came out relatively unscathed.

That seems fair.

(phone chimes)

Well, looks like Conrad is doing better.

He just sent me a picture of him high-fouring the nurse.

Okay, can we just, like, take a moment to reflect on what happened tonight?

I mean, the chances of winning the lottery are, like, one in a gazillion, and then the chances of lightning striking that ticket are, like, one in a kajillion, but both of those things happening at the same time, that will never happen again.

Exactly.

Do you know what that means?

That I'm not getting a boat.

No, that lighting doesn't strike twice, and there aren't a million Joshes in the sea.

Sofia, I'm not dating anymore.

Okay? I'm waiting for Josh.

I don't care how long it takes.

He's my one in a million.

(phone rings)

(footsteps)

Jessica Rounds?

That's me.

How is he?

He's out of surgery.

A couple of broken bones, but he's gonna be just fine.

Oh, thank God!

(squeals)

(both chuckle)

Thank you so much for being there for me.

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder rumbling)

I'm really sorry you didn't get that lottery ticket.

(sighs) We just could have really used the money.

Thank God you found your calling in interior design.

Uh, my little calling... huh, I should've hung up.

It's a disaster.

What do you think about me becoming a therapist?

Stop it. I bet it's gorgeous. Let me be the judge.

You're gonna make an amazing therapist!