05x09 - Stupid Cupid

[bunniefuu]

Ben: This is such a sweet ride.

I haven't ridden one of these babies in years.

Hey, there you are.

Yeah, it looks safe to me, Emma.

So, guess which adorable neighbor, who you should totally date, I just had lunch with?

Zoey.

Oh, my god, it's like talking to you in a dress.

You two are practically the same person.

I'm not going out with her.

You guys are perfect for each other.

She's mature.

She has her head screwed on right.

She's a grown-up.

You honestly have no idea what men find attractive about women, do you?

How about I show you?

Do you remember Sam?

The girl of my dreams...

Yeah, we're sleeping together.

Yeah, in separate rooms, which is what we call a roommate.

Ben, move on.

Or move on up... to the sixth floor, where Zoey lives.

Again, it's not gonna happen.

Other than both being single parents, we pretty much have nothing in common.

Oh. You hang out up here, too. Perfect.

Well, at least I don't steal t-shirts from the laundry room.

That's my Frontier Surgeons shirt.

Uh, no. It's mine.

I love them.

First concert that I ever went to.

No way! That was my first concert. Madison Square Garden.

Wait, Christmas 2006?

Yeah.

Oh, my god, how amazing is this?

I mean, what are the chances that you two would have so much in common?

A lot. Because you're perfect for each other.

Ow! Ow!

Emma... Oh! That was my foot.

Nice work, Emma.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

(Riley scoffs)

Riley, stop.

I have no interest in going out with Zoey whatsoever.

Well, obviously.

I mean, if you did, I wouldn't have to keep bothering you about it.

Ben, I love you. And I might feel just a titch guilty about, like, one or two things that happened between us.

Really, just a titch?

My point is I want you to be happy, and sometimes the person we think we want isn't the person who's right for us.

Is that how you sold it to yourself when you dumped me?

Oh, my god. Okay. Look.

The only reason you think you don't want Zoey is because she's available.

Right? If she had guys chasing after her, you'd be all like, (deep voice) "See ya, Sam. Oh, hey, Zoey."

Or even better... bye, Riley.

Oh! And what's-his-name misses the sh*t!

The puck's over there. No, it's over there!

Now it's over there!

What are you doing?

Oh, hey, bro.

Just practicing a little play-by-play.

Think I'm a natural.

Don't get offended if I practice ignoring you.

I'm a natural at that.

It's Ben and Emma around the couch. Will they stop for milk?

Nope, it's straight to the bedroom.

It's naptime here in apartment 4D.

What up, chicken butt?

Oh. It's Mom, out of nowhere!

She's across the room in a flash.

Who's her target?

Yes, the Chardonnay takes the hit!

What do you think?

I think a lot of things, but I'm not crazy, so I don't say them all out loud.

No, I'm thinking about getting into sports commentating when my hockey career is over.

It's a great idea, right?

Mmm.

Yeah, I'm not sure "great" is the word we're looking for, but it is definitely an idea.

Nailed it.

Oh, so you don't believe in me either?

That's exactly what my manager said.

What?

No one tells my baby what he can or can't do.

That's my job.

Screw your new manager.

You need your old mom-ager.

If there's one thing I know how to do, it's help make your dreams come true.

Except the one time the Make-A-Wish Foundation called my bluff and they made us return that pony.

(knocking on window)

You know, I had a dream just like this, except Tucker was standing on an airplane wing.

What? Oh, okay.

Thank you, Mrs. Wheeler.

Yeah.

Danny, this window's sticking again.

I've called Julio six times and he still has not fixed it.

Maybe it's because the super's name is Warren.

Really?

Because I gave our apartment key to a guy named Julio.

Really?

What were you doing out there, anyway?

Oh. So, I was rehearsing for an audition, to be WNY-8's new weather man.

Cloudy with a chance of Tucker.

Wait, wait. I thought you wanted to be an entertainment reporter?

I do! This is a stepping stone.

Today the sun, tomorrow the stars.

God, I'm good!

Oh, my god! This is perfect!

If WNY-8's gonna let this nobody do the weather, it would let this somebody do the sports!

New York Ranger Danny Wheeler. I'm a genius!

How did my good news become about you?

It's a gift.

(elevator dings)

Riley: This is us.

I still can't believe Riley Perrin is setting me up.

To be honest, I was pretty sure you didn't even know who I was.

Of course I know.

You're the guy who's desk I pass everyday.

Hey, Ben. Hey, is Zoey here?

Um, no, but that's only because she doesn't live here.

Oh. Oh, this is Rick. He's a lawyer.

Yeah, he and Zoey are kind of becoming an item.

Actually, it's Roger.

I'm a paralegal, and I haven't even met her yet.

But you will. You will.

And then I'll be all like, "Get a room, you two." Am I right?

I haven't even seen a picture.

Hope it works out for you, Rog.

Hey, maybe we can all go on a double date sometime with me and my girlfriend, Sam.

Roommate, she's your roommate.

Not for long, okay?

Tonight, I'm going to be grilling some steaks when she gets home, we'll watch the sunset, have a drink.

Then by the time the sun rises, this cock-a-doodle will do.

No. No, no, no.

Aw, I'm so sorry.

I really thought Zoey was going to be here. Okay, bye, Randy!

Honey, hi.

Where are you going?

I've got a meeting about doing sports for WNY-8.

Oh, my god.

You talking on camera, that's so...

Great?

Great, yes. Oh!

Oh, crap. I forgot to tell Ben that Sam called.

I'm sorry, Sam called you? Why did Sam call you?

Because she works for me.

She's not gonna be home tonight because she's going camping with friends.

And she asked if I would cover for her.

Okay, wait. Danny, hello.

I mean, your career needs to come first.

You don't want to be late for your big meeting.

So I'll tell Ben that Sam won't be home tonight. All right? Good luck.

Aw, thanks, babe. You're the best.

Yes, I am the best.

(Elevator dings)

I think I pressed the wrong button.

So tonight, expect low temperatures and increasing clouds.

I'm Tucker Dobbs, making predictions with convictions.

(laughs)

Let's go to Agnes in the traffic chopper.

What's up, Agnes? Besides you.

This is the chance of a lifetime.

"WNY-8 news, with Dallas Goldberg, Pamela Bishop, and New York Ranger Danny Wheeler on sports."

Look, Bonnie, if I was the kind of guy who took chances, I'd be married to my college roommate's mom and we'd be living in Boca right now.

But the only opening we have right now is in weather.

So don't listen to those other snobs, get your weather from Tucker Dobbs.

Oh, man! Dude!

That was an awesome audition.

I totally believed it was going to rain today.

It is.

There he is. Looks like we've found our new weather man.

Oh, my god, really?

Congratulations, Danny.

Welcome aboard.

Me? Why?

Him? Why?

Okay, you know what? Don't ask questions we don't have answers to.

Let's go, Danny.

But I don't want to do the weather.

Yes, you do. You love weather!

What did you do, Mom?

I kept my shirt on the whole time!

Steaks grilling.

Sun setting.

Bottle opener forgetting.

(groans)

Anybody there?

Hey, Zoey.

Ben, hi. What are you doing?

I'm locked out of my apartment and I have a date.

Riley: Zoey!

On the fire escape.

Hey, okay. Great news.

Ben doesn't know that Sam's not coming so he's home alone right now.

No, he's not.

Ow!

Ben, hi.

And why isn't Sam coming?

(scoffs)

Did I forget to mention that?

Doesn't matter. Uh, it looks like you two were in the middle of something.

So, I'm just gonna...

Really? Tricking me to come up here.

God, I can't believe you two.

(scoffs) Two? I had nothing to do with this.

Yeah, right. You're practically throwing yourself at me with that steak.

Oh, my god, you are so full of yourself.

And you're just mad 'cause your plan didn't work.

Okay, you know, if I could just interject...

Or better yet, mind your own business.

I do not want to date Ben.

Hey, you're not the first girl to say that.

Oh, my god. Just go already.

Gladly. I'll get in through the roof.

Oh, Ben, come on. Are you... Look at the sunset!

(sighs)

First dates are always a little awkward.

Bonnie: Emma! Emma, sweetie.

Hi!

Hey, honey, listen. We need to get out of here in a hurry because I do not want to run into...

Hello, Mrs. Wheeler.

Oh, Tucker. Hi.

Oh! Listen, wasn't it crazy how Tim picked Danny all on his own without any suggestion from me whatsoever?

Yeah. Crazy is a good word.

Yeah.

But you know what? I'm fine, and I am genuinely happy for Danny.

You are?

Yeah, it's not his fault, right?

And you know Danny, he felt horrible.

Mm-hmm.

We had a heart-to-heart and he even offered to walk away.

So...

I just want to tell you no hard feelings.

Thank you, Tucker.

Do you think we should trust him?

Yes.

(scoffs) You always see the best in people.

(groans)

Hey, Riley, just letting you know this elevator's going down, no matter how much you try to manipulate it.

Ben, I'm sorry, okay.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Sam. It just slipped my mind.

And you hate her.

Yeah, there's that.

You honestly have no feelings for Zoey?

Okay, I guess when I saw her on the fire escape the other night...

Yes, I knew it! You do, I was right.

But calm down.

You're forgetting something very important.

She's not into me.

(elevator dings)

You don't know that.

Well, I do now.

Riley, hey!

Hey.

Look who I ran into in the lobby yesterday.

Your Zoey who's now my Zoey.

We just went to lunch.

So, I'll see you later, and I'll see you at work.

Can I tell people we're friends?

Ugh. I'd say yes, but that kind of goes against what I've been telling people.

Wait, so do you actually like Rick more than Ben?

His name is Roger...

Right.

And you supposedly set me up with him.

But I don't know what I think about him yet.

It's probably nothing.

Yeah. That was really the vibe I was getting too.

And we'll be bringing you more on that story later.

Developing at this hour...

Hey there, Tim-bo.

You ready for a little weather man magic?

Aw, he'll be great. As long as he doesn't do what our last weather man did.

What's that?

He d*ed.

Oh, god.

Yeah.

Massive heart att*ck.

Oh, my...

Live on the six o'clock news.

(Gasps)

Then again, it was the best ratings we ever had.

Oh.

So, I think our boy is ready to go.

Oh, yeah?

He's a little nervous, but I walked him through it.

I also jazzed up his weather report a little bit.

What do you mean you "jazzed" it up a little bit?

And now a special treat, weekend weather with New York Ranger Danny Wheeler. Danny?

Hey, I'm Danny Wheeler, bringing you weather in a whole new light.

Today's forecast calls for rain but hey, look on the bright side, I always do.

You better hope he has a heart att*ck.

And I predict the sun ain't gonna be coming out tomorrow.

Okay, new development, Zoey hates Roger.

I might be paraphrasing, but that's... Oh, where are you going?

Going camping.

I called Sam with a work problem, and she mentioned they got rained out, and she's coming home early, so I'm surprising her by taking her camping on the roof to make her feel better.

Pretty romantic, right?

Oh, my god, that is so just...

Yeah, that is pretty romantic.

No, but...

Dammit, Riley!

No matter what you say, I'm pitching a tent for Sam.

(quietly) Hey, Ben, you forgot your phone.

(clears throat) Okay.

(clears throat)

(deep voice) Hey, Sam.

Sorry your trip got canceled, bummer.

But Riley has an uncle with a place on the Jersey Shore.

Wanna use it? Yeah, she said it was cool.

(normal voice) P.S. In the future, you should always come to me with any work questions.

Not Danny.

He has a girlfriend.

A super cute, funny, sweet girlfriend.

So...

Hey, what's...

You have got to stop.

I just got off the phone with Sam, and I know what you did.

I don't know...

No. No, no, no, Riley. Riley, we're done. Okay?

I have been in love with Sam since I was 14.

That sound familiar?

And I just want to see if maybe there's something there.

Please?

If I can get used to the idea of you being with my brother, then you can get used to the idea of me being with Sam.

You're right.

You're right, I'm sorry.

And here. You're taking Emma tonight.

Since I spent all day setting up a campsite, I'm actually gonna go use it.

Sometimes a man just needs to go out in nature and be alone.

(elevator dings)

Riley! Just who I was looking for.

Hey.

I have this date with Roger tonight and my babysitter just canceled.

So I was kind of wondering...

Sure.

Awesome.

You are a lifesaver.

Hunter's had this little cough, but he should be fine.

Thank you.

No problem.

Not like I had anything better to do.

I didn't have anything better to do.

Tucker, what the hell is wrong with you?

I can't believe that you would do that to Danny.

Wh... Tucker! You're the one that made me get this stupid job in the first place.

I wanted to be a sportscaster, not a weather man.

And I told you that I'd give up the job. Why didn't you let me do that?

I don't know. I was all hopped up on anger and revenge.

I worked on my audition for days.

Do you know how hard it is to find a word that rhymes with precipitation?

Um, inspiration, imagination, innovation. Ooh, three things you don't have.

I am so burning hot right now!

It might just be the outfit.

Danny, we are blowing up on social media right now.

Number one comment: What is that idiot doing in a sun suit?

So yeah, we're not gonna do that again.

Second most popular comment: Why isn't Danny Wheeler doing sports?

Really? So what does that mean?

It means I fired our sports guy.

Two weeks away from his retirement.

Sucks for him.

And I want you to start guest hosting right away.

Oh, my god! Thank you!

This totally eclipses the way I was feeling before.

Yeah, man, don't do that.

Hey, I guess your buddy Tucker can do the weather.

He was far and away the best candidate.

I'll let him know he's got the job.

No. Wait. Let me do it.

I'd really like to return the favor.

Ow.

I should have known I'd find you up here, ruining my night.

Which is ironic, because here you are, ruining my night.

Is this Riley creating another reason for us to "run" into each other?

No, I'm trying to have a date, but it keeps being interrupted by plaster falling from the ceiling from all of your hammering.

Well, don't worry. That hammering's about to stop, because this hammering's about to start.

And what are you doing with my tent, anyway?

It's not your tent, it's my tent.

Uh, no.

There's a Camp Winnetonka sticker right here!

Yeah, where I went to summer camp for three years.

So did I!

Stop doing that!

Oh, my god, Riley says something's wrong with Hunter.

Yeah, I got the same thing.

Do you think this is her still trying to get us together?

Obviously.

We should probably go.

(Hunter coughing)

What's wrong?

He keeps coughing. I think he's having trouble breathing.

Okay, sweetie. Mommy's here.

Oh, my god, what do I do?

He's gonna be okay, I went through this with Emma.

What's wrong with him?

Don't worry, I got this.

Zoey, take Hunter into the bathroom and turn on the shower as hot as it will go.

Riley, go to my room, grab some towels.

I'll make sure the window and door are sealed. Let's go!

I'm just saying if getting the weather job was that important to you, you probably should have said something.

Oh! Oh, you mean like when I told you how important getting the weather job was to me!

Guys, you're not gonna believe it!

I got the sports gig, which kinda means that there's an opening in weather.

And I told Tim that there's only one person for the job.

Me? Is it me?

It is.

Yes!

And he thinks you need a sexy sidekick.

Me? Is it me?

It is, but there's kind of a catch.

♪ I'm thunder ♪
♪ I'm lightning ♪
♪ And this weather's exciting ♪
♪ Clear skies for tonight ♪
♪ But tomorrow's sun is nice and bright ♪
♪ No chance of snow or sleet or rain ♪
♪ But now you'll see a hurricane ♪

Boo!

Tucker insisted.

Fine.

The cloud can stay but the lightning better bolt.

Oh, my god, now I'm doing it.

♪ We're chilling like it's 10 below ♪
♪ We're breaking down this weather show ♪
♪ It's "D" for Dobbs, the name to trust ♪
♪ Tonight you'll feel a slight wind gust ♪
♪ This weather's great this time of year ♪
♪ But we will make it rain in here ♪

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

What?

(water running)

See, he just needed some steam to open up his lungs.

He's gonna be fine, aren't you, buddy?

Oh, my god, he's smiling.

(chuckles) Yeah.

He smiles like you.

Thank you, Ben.

You were amazing.

No, it was nothing.

I'm just glad I could help.

Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without you.

Yes! I was right!

New York keeps their playoff hopes alive.

Tune in next week for more scores and highlights, right here on WNY-8 news.

Thanks, Danny. Next up, traffic with Agnes.

Mom!

Yeah, Agnes had a little accident... which is actually our top story.

But first, I'd like to start with a brand new segment called...

Bonnie's Corner.

Now, I know what you're thinking... nobody puts Bonnie in the corner!