01x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Okay, so you worked at, I’m sorry, what is it?

Black & Tan.

Yeah.

Okay.

In the East Village. Mostly NYU students.

And how was that, working there?

I hated it.

Underage drinkers.

Lots of puking, passing out.

You didn't card the students?

Well, the owner told us not to.

The place was packed every night.

So, uh, why'd you leave there?

I didn't leave.

They got shut down after some girl d*ed in the place.

Uh, okay, so where'd you bartend before that?

In Catskill, the Horseshoe Bar.

That upstate?

Yeah.

It's the only place for miles that isn't a gay bar, so pretty much every night, it was jammed to the rafters.

That was hard.

I was there two years.

Do you mind if I ask why you smile like that?

Just trying to be easy.

Just trying to be easy?

Trying to be easy.

Okay.

Okay, uh... The Horseshoe Bar.

Okay, before that?

Prison.

Oh.

Yikes, okay.

Well, I'm not gonna pretend that's--

Um, what were you in prison for?

Manslaughter.

Okay, yikes.

Wow. That's...

That's not my favorite thing about you.

I was 16, I was on dr*gs.

I did it.

I served the time.

I'm clean and sober.

Clean record for 20 years.

There you have it, ma'am.

Make your choice.

Either way, I get it.

I think maybe that smile is 'cause you're nervous, maybe?

Yeah.

I get nervous for every job interview, 'cause I know at some point I have to drop that news.

Takes me like 50 interviews to get a job.

It's what I live with. It's my fault.

But I would like to know, you know, your inclination, so I can move on if I have to.

Well, look, Jerold, thank you for your honesty.

But the truth is, we're interviewing here now because of a little drama of our own, and I'm not sure I want to invite more drama into the place, you know?

Okay, but I would argue that I’m--

I’m sort of pre-drama'd.

And I’m on lifelong parole.

I mean, most human beings have potential to bring trouble and trauma, but I’m a rare case where I can't make another mistake.

I literally have my own personal law professional.

Make sure that I’m cool and I stay in between the lines.

Most people you get in here, you don't know what they might do.

That... doing anything for you?

Yeah, I’m sorry, Jerold.

I can't-- You know, I can't get past it.

But, um, I wish you luck.

It's okay.

Okay.

You want to leave your number, in case I hear of something or?

Yeah?

Sure, yeah.

Here.

I don't even like it anymore.

Yeah, well, it's work.

Yeah, but, like, I--

I was so psyched when I got hired.

I always wanted to work there.

I-- I screamed when I got the job, like-- like it was "American Idol" or something.

Yeah, but...

It's work.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because it's work!

My dad dreamed of walking on the moon and then he walked on the moon and he got sick of it.

It's work.

Yeah, but, like, I--

I knew that I wanted to work there since I was 18.

I, uh, I was like, I'm gonna get into an Ivy League school and I’m gonna write for the school paper and build my portfolio.

Then I'll intern at any magazine and then I'll get the first real job that opens up there.

And then I will take my résumé over to the "New Yorker" and get hired, and I did every step.

And, boom, dream realized, and two years later, I am totally... sick of it.

Yeah, that's-- That's like my dad.

He knew he wanted to go to the moon since he was, like, five, and it was his total focus--

So disappointing, because, like, if this isn't satisfying, what is?

I mean, why does anybody want to do anything?

What am I supposed to do, you know?

Try for my second-favorite thing and hope that's better?

Yeah.

That's what I’m saying.

My dad said that getting to the moon was, like, the most depressing thing that ever happened to him, because now what?

You know?

Do you even know what I’m saying, though?

Like, achieving your goals, and you achieve them, and then it turns out that they're just more sh*t.

Are you even listening to me?

Am I even here?

What?

Do you give a sh*t what anyone says to you?

Wh-- What is your problem?

I'm telling you this thing about my father, and it's totally pertaining to your whole thing, but you don't even register it.

Wow, you're like-- You're being hostile.

And by the way, my father walked on the f*cking moon.

Uh, oh--

I told you that, like, ten times, and zero reaction!

Well, what do you want me to say? Whoop-dee-doo?

No, but at least acknowledge it.

At least, like...

If someone tells you that their dad walked on the moon, you don't just say the next thing about you.

Oh, God...

Just, like, "Oh, wow, really?"

Something!

Oh, my God.

But you're so f*cking self-absorbed.

Jesus, okay.

God. What is your problem?

My problem is, you're not a very nice person.

Oh. Well, you're not a very nice person.

You're not nice!

You're not nice!

You're not nice!

You're not nice!

You're not nice!

You're not nice!

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

f*ck you, dude!

You okay?

Yeah.

Was that, like, an online date?

Yes.

Yeah.

See, that-- that sh*t doesn't work.

That guy was a jerk.

Well, how do you know that?

I mean, they just might not be compatible, you know?

You don't talk to a lady like that.

Oh, why? 'Cause some antiquated bullshit?

It's called equality, okay?

I heard them both yelling at each other.

It doesn't matter.

So she can yell at him, but he can't yell at her?

That's correct.

How do you figure?

I don't have to figure.

It's just what's right.

You don't talk to a lady like that, ever.

Why?

Because ladies are pretty.

They're like angels, all of them.

Hey, he's right, though.

Online dating does not work.

What'd you go on, like, Match.com?

Yeah. That's the worst.

Yeah, well, the problem is they match you up based on, like, shared background and common interests, you know, so you're like, oh, it's great, we have so many common interests, and it turns out, people don't really connect based on common interest.

Exactly.

And what does?

Chemistry.

Yep.

Yeah, the problem, these sites all do the same thing.

It's, like, superficial bullshit they match you up on, okay?

And then it creates, like, an illusion of compatibility, right?

Then you just rush into a relationship and then, duh!

Turns out we don't like each other.

Like, when the people finally meet each other, they hate each other.

'Cause opposites attract.

Yes.

'Cause, like, how many couples do you know, right, and they're--

They're doing so great and one of them is like, "Well, I never thought I would be with somebody like this."

Or, like, "I never thought I would date a Republican."

Whatever.

So what do I-- What do I do?

Just find somebody with opposite interests?

No, that doesn’t work either.

Well, what do you do, then?

I mean, how do you-- How do you find love?

You know, you'll be in the store, maybe you're, like, checking the price of onions or something, and you just look up and there he is, and then your eyes meet and it just works, 'cause it's just how it works.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay, well, how am I supposed to make that happen?

man: You can't.

Not by looking for it.

That's why they call it falling in love.

You can't fall on purpose.

See, I used to be an actor and I took a class in falling, trying to make it look like I fell.

Well, I was still trying and I--

I must have fallen over about a thousand times trying to-- trying to make it look like it was an accident and I couldn't do it.

So, um...

I-- I quit being an actor.

Well, that's not any help.

I mean, what--

What is a person supposed to do?

Well, you just accept...

Just accept the fact that love is rare and it probably won't happen to you, ever.

Is that what-- Is that what you do? You just accept it?

No. No, I--

I walk around brokenhearted.

And I get-- I get drunk and--

I mean, I hate being alone.

And...

And someday it'll k*ll me.

Hey, Horace.

Yeah?

Where's Pete?

What?

Where is Pete?

I don't know, Leo.

You don't know?

No, he's--

I don't know, he's been missing for, like, a week.

Oh.

Why is he missing?

Because I haven't seen him.

Wait, you haven't seen him or he's missing?

He's missing, okay?

So why aren't you out looking for him?

Because I don't know where to look for him because I don't know where he is.

Of course you don't know where he is if he's missing.

So find out, that's what I mean by go looking for him.

Find out where he is.

It's complicated, okay?

No, it isn't. He's your family.

Uncle Pete is dead and now he's Pete, and you're Horace.

Isn't that how it works?

Look, Pete is out there somewhere, and he's...

He's going through something, I don't know what it is, and I--

Thank you.

Horace, what is--

What is in that bottle, that special bottle of Leon's, what is in there?

Apple juice.

What? Why?

He likes to sit at a bar and have a drink, and now he's sober, so we give him that.

How did that get started?

I don't remember.

All right.

Horace, we-- We have to find a bartender.

We gotta find Pete.

Is that what you're going to do now?

No, I’m gonna take a nap.

Oh, that's terrific.

Well, Sylvia--

Well, you want me here or you don't want me here?

We gotta find a bartender. I can't stay back here all day.

(phone ringing)

Okay, okay.

Horace & Pete's.

Yes, it is.

Excuse me?

(machine beeping)

Hi.

Horace.

Tricia.

Hi.

You okay? I mean, sorry.

Pete.

Oh, Horace.

Cock and... f*cking balls in my mouth.

Okay.

Tricia, tell me what happened, because the police don't know what happened, they just found you, and I don't...

He was so upset, I wanted to help him.

He didn't know what to do about his medication running out, and I think he thought we would just spend the time we had together until the pills ran out, and that would be it.

"It"?

Yeah.

I didn't think he was going to k*ll himself.

Oh, God.

Well, Horace.

n*gg*r balls and ham on Sunday.

It's Saturday, hon'.

I am so sorry.

It's okay.

My husband yells worse things in his sleep.

So what happened?

Did he do this to you?

We rented a car and went upstate.

It was real nice.

Just the two of us.

But...

One night I woke up and he was upset.

He was sitting up in bed.

He was--

I think it all came crashing down on him, because we were so happy.

And he was thinking about when the pills are gone.

And I had this stupid idea.

I said, "What if you stop taking them, now, while there are still some left?

And we'll be together and I'll help you"

And we can just..."

I don't know, eat organic... and meditate and try to manage it.

I thought it was possible.

You know? (chokes back tears) I don't think anyone ever loved Pete before.

He was like a little boy.

He was all new.

And... It felt like enough.

So I said, "Let's try," and he said, "Okay."

And we went home.

He stayed at my place and...

Kind of locked ourselves in with the groceries and... he went off the Probitol.

And after a few days, well...

You know what it's like.

He started getting the shakes.

He started seeing things, getting scared.

Getting mad.

But I thought, we can do this.

There's a way.

We love each other.

And it got worse.

He flushed the rest of the Probitol down the toilet.

I got a little scared and then...

Last night, I got him to sleep... somehow, and I slept beside him, holding him.

And I woke up in the middle of the night and he was screaming and throwing everything in the apartment.

He did this to you?

He did it to everything, Horace, he didn't see me.

I wasn't there anymore, he wasn't there anymore, he just... went wild and he tore at everything and he only hurt me because I was trying to stop him.

(crying) I was trying to hug him--

c**t potato!

I was trying to hold him.

That's what I had said we'd do, I'd help him through it.

Dirty Jews in Fucktown, Alaska!

But he tore at everything and he pushes me away.

He was so strong, and I--

I fought him.

I thought if we could just get through this one night of--

Piss-drinking jalopy! that we could make it.

And then...

You know, he knocked me out and at that point, I wasn't even that hurt.

(Horace sighs)

I woke up all like this.

And he was gone.

Jesus, fill my mouth with buttery cum.

(crying)

I’m really sorry, Tricia.

He never hurt anybody before.

Never.

Can't say that anymore.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, Hulk Hogan got awarded $121 million for that sex tape thing.

Mm-hmm.

That'd buy a lot of prison vitamins, huh?

Yeah, but they're gonna appeal it.

Who, Nick Denton?

Yeah, for sure.

They're not just gonna give him $121 million.

Kurt: Oh, I f*cking hate that guy so much, that square-head bitch.

That smug face he has.

So delighted to inv*de people's privacy.

Can't wait to moralize when that sh*t happens to a woman, but the second it's a powerful man, then it's okay to just drag his name through the mud.

What a scumbag.

So what's he getting charged, uh, if you break it down, for that tape?

Like a million dollars a second?

Oh, it's beautiful. I love justice.

It's not justice. It's a disgusting man.

Nick Denton?

No, f*ck it-- Hulk Hogan!

What a vile human being.

Why?

That's the guy whose rights we gotta protect?

Really? $120 million?

Yeah.

That's enough to educate every f*cking kid in Africa.

Well, they gotta work for it. You just can't throw money at them.

120-f*cking-million dollars to a wrestler, right?

Yes.

So he can f*ck his friend's wife and her husband can film it and they gotta be able to do that in privacy, really?

Yes.

For f*ck's sake.

Of course.

That's the--

The world has to give $120 million, that kind of resource to that f*cking pig?

Really?

Oh, yeah, no, no, it's not a woman's thing, okay?

It's about privacy.

This is not about privacy!

It's about giving $120 million to a man in yellow panties so he can f*ck his friend's wife!

That's what's happening!

Well, and what about the woman who was in the tape?

What about her?

Shouldn't she at least get $100 million, too?

No, that's true. This is true. This is true.

I mean, this is, like, the highest payout in sex tape history, right?

And she's the one who actually got f*cked, so...

She got to get f*cked by the Hulkster, which was her lifelong dream!

Wow, that sucks.

Really.

The world has to award that kind of money to that f*cking guy, really?

That guy?

It's not--

Come on.

I can't even.

It's not just his rights, it's your rights, too.

This affects everyone.

It's a good thing.

This is the end of these scumbag blogs destroying people's lives.

How could you be against this?

You know, I feel bad for black people, because...

This is not about them, but somehow, they got dragged into this sh*t, too.

Well, 'cause he was mad his daughter's dating a black guy.

Right.

I feel bad for that, too, because he was really a hero to everyone, you know?

Black kids--

As much as I loved him, so did black kids, and then you get to be an adult and you have that shattered, that dream that, you know, that your hero likes you and lets you f*ck his daughter?

That's just shitty.

But that still doesn't excuse Nick Denton, okay?

And by the way, where else are you supposed to say the N-word if not at home after banging your friend's wife?

I don't know where he is!

Leon.

I don't know where he is.

Okay?

Pete's my brother.

He's my brother, Sylvie.

He's not my cousin, he's my brother!

And he's missing.

And I don't know what's wrong with him and I don't know where he is!

Hey, Horace, uh, where's Pete?

Oh! f*ck! Oh, f*ck!

Horace!

All right, whoa!

Jesus Christ, whoa!

Hey, man! Take it down a notch!

Shut your f*cking mouth!

I'm just trying to break the tension, dude!

God damn, this family's aggressive.

f*ck.

(siren whoops outside)

Boy, that was f*cking quick.

What the hell's that?

Hey, what's going on in here?

Hey, hi, Ricky.

Hi, Sylvia.

Where's Pete?

Oh, don't ask that, they punch you in the face here.

Shut up, Kurt!

f*ck you, man.

Hey, what the-- Hey, hey, what is going on in here?

It's lively in here.

So what happened? Did-- What--

Did somebody call you guys?

No.

We just...

Oh.

Hi, there.

Oh, sh*t, you're the mayor!

I-- Excuse me-- You're the f*cking mayor!

That's how my constituents know me, yeah.

The f*cking mayor.

What's your name?

Kurt.

Good to meet you, Kurt.

How's it going?

Yeah, you're big as sh*t.

Yeah, hey, Horace, um, Pete asked me to bring the mayor in to see the place.

We were in the neighborhood.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Is it true that the NYPD is as large as the standing army of France?

No, that's not true.

Mr. Mayor--

That's good, because, I was gonna say, how do you justify that?

Maintaining a national army against your own citizens?

Your premise is wrong.

We don't have an army, we have a--

Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor.

How you doing?

May I ask you a question?

Sure, man.

What time is it?

What time is it?

It's, like, 3:00. Something like that.

May I quote you on that?

Wait, so you're saying if France invaded tomorrow, okay?

Your NYPD--

Wait, wait. It's your NYPD.

It's all our NYPD.

Yeah, whatever, man.

You're telling me France would kick the NYPD--

Hey, f*ck that!

Hey, hey, pull your ears in, Dom.

Calm down, calm down.

We don't have a problem with France, it's okay.

Where's Pete?

Pete is-- Pete is missing.

Missing? For how long?

About a week. He went off his meds.

Oh, man.

Just disappeared.

Why didn't you guys tell me?

We didn't know you guys were close.

All right, uh, let me help you try and find him.

I'll get some guys working on it.

All right.

So Ricky, what the hell's going on here?

Okay, well...

Pete apparently was applying for landmark status for this place.

He was? He never said anything about that.

It's 'cause he thinks you're trying to close the place down.

Yeah, so he asked me to bring the mayor in.

So this is the famous Horace & Pete's.

What a great place, a real Brooklyn landmark.

Mr. Mayor, meet Horace.

Horace, good to meet you, man.

Hey, Mr. Mayor.

Good to meet you.

So, where's Pete?

Can I at least get a beer?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

All right.

(sighs heavily)

(crying)

Hey.

Where the f*ck are you?

What do you mean?

I mean what the hell is this?

What, I’m here.

No, you're not.

You're not here.

Hey.

Leave me alone.

I’m not gonna leave you alone.

You tell me what the hell you think you're doing here.

Hey, you're the one who's not here.

You f*cking d*ed, so get lost.

f*cking ghost.

I may be a ghost, but what are you?

A ghost can haunt people.

You can' t haunt people while you're alive, stupid.

Please, leave me alone.

Where are you this time, huh?

Where are you now? Right now?

What, are you on a park bench someplace, rocking back and forth?

You're--

You under an overpass on the BQE?

What is it this time, Pete?

'Cause you sure as hell ain't here.

I’m here! I’m right here!

Oh, yeah?

(laughs) What?

You think you can yell at me and make me leave?

You can't bully me.

You never could.

f*cking loser.

Please, leave me alone.

(whispering)

f*cking guy.

What a g*dd*mn shame, the way you've turned out.

You had a real chance at life, before you went into the basket.

You came out of the gate of life like... (imitates cannon f*ring)

Good looking kid.

You could talk to anyone.

Everybody liked you, everybody listened to you.

You were handsome.

You could dance.

And what you had, that thing you had?

Courage.

You had it in f*cking spades.

You were such a good ballplayer, but you wanted to try hockey.

You couldn't skate for sh*t.

So we all said, "Hey, Pete, stick with the baseball."

"Hockey's not your thing."

But you said, "f*ck that, I want to try it."

And the coach of the baseball team, you know, he was afraid you were gonna injure yourself.

He said, "You go out for hockey, you're f*cking off the team,"

'cause he thought you'd back down, you know?

But not you.

You went out, and you go out on the ice, and you fall down and you fall down.

You never made the team, but you--

You never regretted it.

You remember that, Pete?

Remember--

Remember when you-- when you went out for hockey?

Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

No, you don't. 'Cause it never happened.

What? No. I remember it.

No, you just crazied that up.

That never happened any more than you were chased by that f*cking snake in the Port Authority, that first time when they put you in the hospital.

What?

Or any more than any of this is real here.

All right, get out!

Will you just... get out of here and leave me alone!

Then make me.

Make me.

You're the one who put me here in the first place, you dumb idiot.

You can't do that.

You can't make me...

I may be crazy and, yeah, maybe I see things.

But...

There are things in my life that are real.

They really happened.

And they're in my head.

They're in my memory and they're in my heart and you can't take that away from me, Pete.

You can't, Pete!

I played hockey.

I sucked at it, but I loved it.

The guys in hockey were cooler than the guys in baseball.

The baseball guys, they were just always uptight.

And baseball is too clean. Hockey was messy.

And yeah, we were all a bunch of losers, but the tryouts were so much fun and when I got cut, I didn't care.

And I told you that, and you said, "Yeah, okay.

f*ck 'em, do what you want."

That happened!

Did it?

I don't know.

Who knows with you?

Horace.

Horace, you remember, just tell him.

Horace!

Look at you, yelling at him like some f*g.

You're a f*g.

You're a f*g!

I’m not a f*g.

Would you please leave?

I'm asking you nice.

You can make me leave anytime you want, you know?

This is all you.

You conjured me up.

You put yourself here.

Why can't you just...

Just fix your messed-up mind and get back to your normal life?

I mean, this is just you fighting you.

What's-- What is it?

What's so f*cking complicated about this?

Just fix it.

Why can't you do that?

'Cause I-- I just can't, 'cause I’m sick.

And there ain't no cure.

Can't you see? There's no figuring it out.

There's no going back to what I was.

Not even the guy that I was here.

Well, what are you gonna do? You gonna just give up?

I wish you'd let me.

Why do you think you're here?

I mean, you know you're not here, right?

I know.

I know. I’m--

I’m probably freezing to death somewhere or I'm waving a tire iron in a deli somewhere.

That's why I’m in here, I’m--

At least in here, it's...

Look, Pete, I got no options, all right?

There's no good story for me down the road.

I’m just unlucky.

That's all.

I got a bad straw.

But that's why I like being here.

I know it's not gonna last, I--

Either some cop is gonna knock me out or I'm gonna get sh*t full of some sh*t in the hospital.

Or I'll die.

But can you just let me have this right now?

Would you please?

Just let me have it.

Just a little piece.

Okay, son.

You go ahead and have it.

And you sure did play hockey.

I was just f*cking with you.

Huh?

(door closes)

Dad?

♪ ♪

Paul Simon:

♪ Hell no ♪
♪ I can't complain about my problems ♪
♪ I’m okay the way things are ♪
♪ I pull my stool up to the bar ♪
♪ At Horace and Pete's ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder ♪
♪ Why do we tear ourselves to pieces? ♪
♪ I just need some time to think ♪
♪ Or maybe I just need a drink ♪
♪ At Horace and Pete's ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Horace and Pete ♪
♪